#i'm just afraid that if i start posting my own shit i'll like overshare way way too much and instantly doxx myself lmfao

[wormwizerd]

what if i made poasts on my own damn blog.. haha just kidding....... unless?

[lindwurmkai]

Oh I forgot to mention this here but recently I actually figured out the reason why I sometimes have that seemingly bizarre reaction to other people's benign descriptions of their experiences where I get disproportionately annoyed just because my own experiences are different. (Idk if my post about that still exists; I suspect I may have deleted it)

It's just the tail end of a long chain reaction that started with regularly having my emotions and perceptions dismissed as a child. Later I would frequently describe my internal experiences to all kinds of people from friends to therapists, only to find no one understood what the hell I was talking about. That's why a large part of my time on social media has been spent desperately posting about these things over and over, hoping to find anyone who could relate - because I needed someone to confirm that it was possible for a human to have these experiences. Or I secretly wanted to be challenged so I could at least defend myself. I was already being attacked by my own subconscious after all, and an external opponent would have been easier to defeat.

Unfortunately, during many years of regular oversharing, the most common response I got was total silence though. Sometimes a friend would express sympathy or someone would say they could relate, only to immediately reveal they misinterpreted my words and meant a slightly different experience. It was extremely rare that I found someone who actually experienced the same thing.

This silence started to feel more and more hostile over time. "No one ever answers me when I ask for advice on here!" "I bet they all think I'm talking nonsense and they're just too polite to say it!" "Come at me already! Tell me why you think my experiences are fake or morally wrong!" "Stop ignoring me when I nonconfrontationally point out that my experiences don't match a common narrative; it's tempting me to do it again but in a confrontational tone this time!"

The only thing attacking me was my deeply ingrained mistrust of my own perceptions though. I didn't even consciously feel like I was doubting myself half the time, I was just preparing for battle with some theoretical person who would surely emerge from the woodworks any moment now, or if they didn't, well, then they were clearly a coward. 😐

Once this had happened a few times in relation to a specific subject, any mention of that subject that even alluded to a different experience than mine would remind me of the frustration of never getting a response. I would skip straight ahead to the anger I had eventually ended up feeling the previous times. "This shit again. I bet if I said something, I'd be ignored as usual."

(I'm sure it doesn't help that I used to have friends who would literally ignore me, in direct conversation, because they didn't feel like explaining why they were mad at me or thought a question I'd asked was stupid. My mother did that, too.)

Unfortunately this makes me sound like the villain in that "hi! Most annoying person you've ever met here" meme, but that's not how I usually address these things. I'll either make my own post or reblog with an addition along the lines of, "This is fascinating because I experience the exact opposite. Does it work that way for anyone else here??"

But because I don't get any responses, sometimes the silliest things turn into huge pet peeves very fast. Next thing I know I'm in the notes of every post about the subject that crosses my dash, searching for that one person who is expressing disagreement or confusion for the same reasons as mine. But I'm afraid even when I find one, and see that they're being ignored, it's still not much of a comfort. The need to have my perceptions confirmed as Real, Possible Human Experiences by just one person has suddenly morphed into the need to be acknowledged by those who feel differently.

Perhaps at that point it's about wanting permission to continue having that experience. Permission to exist. But I cannot stress enough how often the subject matter is something completely silly where morals shouldn't even enter the equation! And I'm thirty-six. I can't help but feel like I should be much more mature and well-adjusted by now. The way people my age sometimes talk about younger people can ironically set off this phenomenon as well because it makes me think I can't be a real person who exists if I relate more to the teenager being criticized than the person my age who's doing the criticising and making it about being young like that explains it.

Is it any wonder the form of dissociation I experience most often is depersonalisation? On reflection, no.