#i'm just *fans self* and i needed a gifset of it

[beevean]

I remembered a post I stumbled upon a while ago. It was a gifset of that moment in NFCV where Carmilla strokes Hector's hair and says "You are mine now, Forgemaster. You have nothing else but me."

But what really made my neurons go into overdrive was the way the person tagged the post.

"I am not yours. I am not anyone's. - Hector & Carmilla"

Would you believe that this one singular line made my brain fire up like fireworks? This is a brilliant way to convey the parallels between the two characters! Well. The potential parallels, since Carmilla is hardly relevant after S2 :^)

It made me think of how the story would have gone if they kept Carmilla as Hector's antagonist and Lenore and the other two were never introduced. (when you think about it, Lenore's main purpose in S3 was effectively hijacking Carmilla's place: while I prefer her concept, narratively speaking she shouldn't exist. I'm not even being mean when I say it. In a hypothetical rewrite, I'd fuse the two characters)

I found some Hectilla fics, mostly written pre-S3 when fans still believed she'd have a bigger role. Needless to say, they're mostly BDSM porn built on a generic dommy mommy/subby puppy dynamic: while Hector's attraction to Carmilla can be explained with anything from "she's hot and charming" to "she's the only one who makes sense in the court and the only one who cares about my work", no such depth is given to Carmilla. She likes Hector because... he's pathetic and breedable.

So, I propose another angle.

If the ideal Lenector that only exists in my head is built on lies, treachery, and shared misery with a hint of growing mutual empathy that nevertheless never allows them to overcome their resentment... the ideal Hectilla is built on fear. They are both afraid of each other, but need each other for their needs. They are also both afraid of the world, it's just that they react to that fear in different ways: Carmilla by attacking first, Hector by hiding and fawning.

And making Carmilla a creature of fear would make her so, so much more interesting, and allow her to be a real visceral victim of trauma and not just a flat radfem stereotype. A lot of what I say here is inspired by this brilliant post by @chumpovodir!

Carmilla sees every man as a potential threat. An old man turned her and kept her as a pet, showed her that "vampiric love" that she has internalized but despises when it comes from men, and other men attacked her kingdom to destroy everything she built, and other men wanted her to die because, well, the nerve of that woman, thinking she could be in charge. She finds Dracula disgusting for being, in her eyes, like that old man who ruined her life, an insane destructive leech good for nothing. She loathes power-hungry men, violent men, men who think they're in charge and can toy her as they please.

Hector is the opposite of that. He doesn't crave any power: he wants to be left in peace. He craves, as it becomes immediately clear to her, acceptance. He's easily swayed with a few nice words, and even when Dracula dies, he holds no malice in his heart.

He's young. He's cute. He's a useful idiot.

The broken little girl in her still sees him a threat, because one day, he might grow up and become a real man, with their fangs and claws and thirst for power.

But - and this is the important part - the threat is now curbable. Hector placed himself in her hands, and she has the power to do with him as she pleases.

Carmilla has put herself in the position of that old man enslaving a cute girl for his sick desires. However, she thinks she's justified. It's not cruelty: it's preemptive self-defense. She can make this dirty almost-man into a docile puppy who will never hurt her, and work for her, and give her pleasure, never pain.

He can be a prized possession, because he is smart and knowledgeable and has blasphemous powers and shares the same goal of turning humans into livestock. This man deserves to live, for now. As long as he never thinks of harming her. As long as he remains a puppy forever. As long as he's hers, because only she deserves to have stuff and other people.

Carmilla takes pride in not belonging to anyone, let alone a man, but she doesn't see the irony in forcing Hector to the same fate that traumatized her. She doesn't see herself in him, because she did nothing to deserve pain, but he does, for the sin of being born the same gender as all the people who hurt her.

Perhaps she refuses to see herself in him, because the thought disgusts her too much.

But what about Hector?

Well, at first he'd cling onto Carmilla, because what else is he supposed to do? Sure, she tricked him and beat him to a pulp to assert dominance, but she still needs him, and her plans still make sense to him, and part of him still wants to hope that when she praised his skills, she meant it, even if in a selfish way. For a while, she becomes his world - a cruel world, but a stable one.

But then... it will become his turn to claim that he's not hers, he's not anyone's.

Perhaps he'll use his parents as reference. He used to be afraid of them, and resentful for making him believe he should have never been born, and eventually he killed them in retailation. Carmilla, too, terrifies him, but because she swings from saccharine praise to violent rage. So there's hope to get the former, if he plays nice. And if he gets the latters, that means he deserved it, right? And besides, she finds him useful, right? Isn't that, too, appreciation? That is why, at first, he accepts his position.

When she put that collar on him, wasn't that her way of showing love? He understands that. He is still, at his core, that abused kid who looks up to authority figures who see him as dirt.

But she also hates him for something he had no control over, just like his parents. She fears him for no rational reason, and that fear clouds all judgment. She could turn on him at any moment. She's no better than Dracula in this regard. Carmilla is far less rational than she pretends to be, and eventually, as he's forced to be with her, he'll see that behind the mask of a confident predator, hides the heart of a frightful bird with a broken wing.

He'd see himself in her, and he wouldn't like it. He doesn't want to be feared at all, let alone for something he can't do anything about, and he doesn't want to belong to such a volatile person. That could set him to the thought path that'll lead him to desire freedom: most importantly, freedom from his traumatic past.

Perhaps, at some point, Hector would even hate Carmilla for what she does to him, fantasize about killing her and all. Then he'll realize that hatred, too, poisoned Carmilla to the point that she almost became pitiable. And hatred also poisoned Dracula to the point of making him irrational. He must avoid falling into the same trap.

Ideally, if Carmilla is doomed to become prey of her fear and hatred, Hector should find the strength to break free of his own, and learn to face the world.

i hate doing the showrunners' work for free :(

[chickenstrangers]

2023 in Review: Meta Edition

tag game: link your top and/or favorite posts/metas/gifs for each month of 2023

Since I already did this post just for my gifs (here) this feels even more self-indulgent but I was tagged by the lovely @ranchthoughts @troubled-mind and @lurkingshan so I will indulge myself and reflect on my writing in 2023.

I properly got started a bit later in the year, and it is interesting to look at my busiest months because I tended to either be in a gif mood or a meta mood, and often didn't overlap the two (in the fall, I made a lot of gifs, so wrote a lot less meta).

I often feel like they go hand in hand though, and gifs (like all types of fan creations) are a form of analysis/comparison/meta commentary. Either I have a meta idea that I can only convey visually, or the process of making a gif takes so much time I start to have meta thoughts about it, and sometimes I write those down.

May

May was my first meta month and my busiest.

top: Bad Buddy, Tragedy, and Queer Futures which is basically my Bad Buddy thesis statement and I loved making a scholarly bibliography for a meta

favorite: Wen as Observer in Moonlight Chicken which had ideas I returned to throughout the year in gif form (here and here)

honorable mentions because I wrote a lot this month: Pat's Shirts: An Extended Analysis (inspired by shirt analysis scholars like @dribs-and-drabbles, because I love taking silly things seriously and I made myself genuinely sad thinking about Pat's Hawaiian shirts); Conflict and Empathy in My School President and Kieta Hatsukoi (two shows very close to my heart for very similar reasons, and I love a comparative essay)

June

top: Metatextuality in Our Skyy 2 BBxATOTS (linking my other OS2 metas here and here because they were all part of the same conversation)

favorite: Ghosts and Hauntings in Moonlight Chicken which was a more experimental writing attempt for me, and I loved the tags from @firstkhaolesbian @ranchthoughts @pondphuwin and @akkpipitphattana. Followed it with this gifset later in the year.

July

top: Photography in Aof's Series again I love to compare shows

favorite: Time and Grief in Eternal Yesterday, my ode to one of the most impactful and beautiful and heartbreaking shows I watched this year

August

top: a comment on the set design for Sand and Ray's houses in Only Friends

favorite: Intertwined Discoveries in He's Coming to Me and the supernatural and queer story lines in parallel

September

top: a comment on ephemerality and wardrobe in Only Friends

favorite: parallels between Beam/Jim and Alan/Wen and why I think the relationships need to be considered in tandem (thoughts I had while making these gifs). I'm also fond of this He's Coming to Me post that was the thought process behind these gifsets)

October and November

no writing of the meta variety because I decided to write 50k words for NaNoWriMo and ended up with (half) a book instead

December

top & favorite: another silly meta! Not Me is About Earrings with an excellent addition by @ranchthoughts

Some no pressure tags if you feel like talking about your writing/any other types of creative work you did this year (does not have to be monthly): anyone I tagged throughout this post already, @twig-tea @slayerkitty @emotionallychargedtowel @dudeyuri @shannankle @visualtaehyun @airenyah @telomeke @waitmyturtles @kattahj or anyone who sees this, consider yourself tagged!

[zelda-of-hyrule-tloz]

˖⁺‧₊ | TLoZ Appreciation Blog | ₊‧⁺˖

Spoiler Warning: This blog is going to be 90% about Zelda herself, I'm sorry (not) I'm unleashing the brainrot inside me

Tag Navigation

#the beauty of hyrule

GIFsets and screenshots of Hyrule

#gallery of hyrule

Fanart

#album of hyrule

Screenshots of characters

#archive of hyrule

Official Art

#the lore of hyrule

Lore & History of Hyrule

#the people of hyrule

Discussing characters (central and NPC)

#hyrule's gossip stones

Discussion of TLoZ/Headcanons

#the symphonies of hyrule

Soundtrack discussion

#korokseedposting

Shitposting

#i am error

Gameplay errors/glitches/breaks.

#mini(sh) details

Cute details/easter eggs.

#missing lore

I try to solve certain lore bits that have kept me questioning!

#in another timeline

I discuss how I would have altered specific details across games as well as what-if scenarios.

#nocturne's headcanons

My headcanons.

#nocturne's fan game ideas

My ideas for Zelda fangames I want desperately and will probably turn into fanfics because I have no self control

#nocturne's rambling

i don't shut up

#realm of asks and answers

I answer asks or whatever :)

#nocturne self-promos sometimes

I self promo sometimes, maybe. Usually I chicken out because I get embarrassed

#unspoken legacies

OCs!! Both mine and others'.

Legacy Character Tags

#courageous spirit of the hero

Link

#wise heart of hylia

Zelda/Hylia (and various alter-egos)

#powerful malice of demise

Ganon/Demise (and various forms)

#shadow guide

Impa

#the myths of hyrule

Spirits/deities in the franchise.

AU Blogging

#tale of the imprisoning war

I talk about if TotK Zelda was playable.

#call of the forgotten concepts

I info-dump about my totk rewrite. Spoilers, duh!

Content you'll see

I will be reblogging a lot of fanart here! I already have a lot in my drafts to reblog soon.

I'd like to maybe post my own headcanons here every so often, since sometimes it's easier to just talk about them instead of writing a big fic.

This will focus primarily on canon, fan-story aus, and headcanons; but I will NOT be reblogging Linked Universe art or other chain AUs. (I love them and have one myself (@meet-again-in-another-life), but at the same time I'm also sick of them and the mischaracterization in a handful of them I'm sorry I'm a coward with a big case of "they would not freaking say that")

princess zelda and hylia haters please leave before you get upset because I will not shut up about her

No NSFW (implied or visible) will be reblogged here.

Content Warning Tags

Workshopping these since I'm not sure what to expect yet! They'll be added as they come up.

Just made this blog because I want to organize stuff a little more! I'd really like to reblog a lot more art that isn't ships, but my side blog is too cluttered!! So I just... made another one. This will focus more on individual characters and familial relationships than any ships, but some might still leak their way through (apologies in advance). If you like Zelink content, though, I try to reblog a lot of great artists and writers that need more recognition at @realm-of-zelink! I encourage going through all the blogs and engaging with their wonderful work. :)

Lore Posts (EoW Spoilers)

Why the Prime Energy?

(This is a big WIP I just have a special interest okay)

[indelibleevidence]

Broken Wings, chapter 1 (Reller, M-rated)

Author's Note: Also on FanFiction.Net and AO3! Updating on Saturdays, because I made sure to actually finish the fic before I started posting it, to ensure I didn't consign it to WIP hell like my other WIPs. XD

Wow, this is going to be a lot of explaining, but here we go! First off, if you haven't read Strikethrough, Crossroads, and the Damaged Goods summaries for the rest of the fics that I haven't written in between Crossroads and this one, go do that first. There's also a one-shot called Stalling that's set a month or two before this fic, but it's not necessary reading to get what's going on here.

This fic contains suicidal ideation, suicidal distress, and a depiction of Remi at rock bottom. If you're in a bad place, it might be better if you don't read this right now. (And I hope you feel less terrible soon.)

Remi is a lot different from the Remi in Crossroads. She's got pretty much all of her memories from her Jane years back now, and is a little bit softer and less sweary, until she's provoked, and then she reverts to 'fuck you' mode. Much like Jane's 4x15/4x16 self in canon, she's overwhelmed by the weight of her past mistakes, as Remi and as Jane. She's definitely not on the 'yay, law enforcement' train, and is still mostly ACAB in nature, but she knows that at least Kurt and his team are well-intentioned, and their eyes are open to the corruption within the system (mainly because of the first set of tattoos). By this point in my timeline, she also has accepted the fact that she's in love with Kurt, but she'd die before she'd ever admit it to him.

Jane is referred to as a third person throughout this fic, because neither Remi nor Kurt are at the 'Jane and Remi are just two time periods sans memories for one person' stage of acceptance. Also because it's easier for me, as a writer, to differentiate between those different time periods and mindsets by just using the names she was going by at the time. I do think that in another year down the Damaged Goods timeline, both Remi and Kurt will stop referring to Jane as a separate entity, but Remi kind of needs it right now, and though Kurt is further down the line as seeing Jane as a part of Remi, he's still getting there too. So things might seem a little bit disassociative identity disordery, and I apologise to anyone who might stumble upon this who actually lives with DID and hates what I did with this. But Remi is compartmentalising a LOT, though interestingly enough, now she's seeing Jane as the better person, whereas before, she loathed Jane with the fire of a thousand suns. The difference a few memories can make...

This fic is complete, so I'll post updates on Saturdays, I guess. This is my first time actually finishing a multi-chaptered fic before starting to post, but I really didn't want to start posting another WIP that was going to hang around in limbo (I'm sorry, Remember to Forgive and Taken for Granted fans! I will get there, I hope!).

Lastly, I really have to thank nachosandcheeze for her enthusiasm for this AU, and her encouragement for me to keep writing for it. She's not the only one who's been lovely about it (and thank you to everyone who cares about my weird little enemies to lovers universe where Jane never quite made it back to her brain - really, you guys are fantastic!), but she's been pretty consistently poking me with metaphorical sticks, and making Remi gifsets, and squeeing over Reller, etc. - to the point where I showed her the half-scene I had written from a fic several fics away from where I'd left off with Crossroads, just to get it out of my brain. And she loved it so much that I wrote a bit more, and a bit more, until over 16k later, I ended up with this. So thank you again, nachos. You're proof that nagging a fic author for more story does actually work, sometimes! :D

*

Absently tracing the carving on the stone with her finger, Remi glanced over to the small vial of clear liquid on her nightstand. It sat on top of a small, leatherbound booklet—El Libro de la Eternidad—which she’d smuggled out of Peru, along with the stone brick from Machu Picchu. Maybe she should feel guilty that she’d stolen a couple of pieces of Peruvian history from its citizens, even if one of them was a loose brick, but after all the things she’d done in her short fuck-up of a life, her conscience was way past that. And the brick contained a carved message for her: RB 4 RB, Roman Briggs for Remi Briggs, along with binary code that pointed to Roman’s data caches, and a message that had made tears sting her eyes.

Hey, sis.

I got you something. I never solved this one.

 I hope you can. I did my best.

May you outlive this… for both of us.

Your brother, always,

Roman

Even during his bitter feud with Jane—Remi still flinched to think of him ZIPped and claustrophobic in his FBI cell, even though she now remembered Jane’s reasons, and her anguish at her brother’s state—Roman had still been looking for a cure for her. He’d had his own, the one she’d stolen from Dr. Roga and used to cure herself—after all, Roman had died before he’d had the chance to benefit from it. But still, he’d hunted down more Stanton cells, which meant that now, Remi had a cure for ZIP poisoning all lined up.

She had everything she needed. If Roman’s cache intel was right, New York billionaire hypochondriac Ken Lee would trade El Libro de la Eternidad for the Stanton cells. Dr. Roga could synthesise a new cure, if Kurt approached her. And Remi would need that cure, because the ZIP on the nightstand would be going into her body, as soon as she laid the plan out for Kurt.

There was just one more thing left to do.

Setting aside Roman’s carving, she accessed the video recording setting on her phone, and held it up so that her face was visible. She’d made a video for her future self once before, to further Phase One of her grand plan by introducing Jane to Oscar, and verifying his trustworthiness.

And you know how that turned out, her internal critic whispered.

Swallowing hard, Remi made herself focus on the task at hand, ignoring the guilt gnawing on the synapses at the back of her mind. How was she going to start this thing? Saying hello seemed redundant.

“I know you’re suffering right now, and I’m sorry for that. You don’t remember your old life, and that’s intentional. Please, trust me when I say you shouldn’t go hunting for the finer details. I’m sparing you a lifetime of pain and futility by taking the ZIP, even though you might not be able to appreciate that.”

She sounded whiny as hell, but how else could she put it? She had to make future Jane understand that this was for the best.

“The only options, as I see them, are suicide or ZIP. I’ve got enough here that I should be able to wipe out any trace of my old memories. You might get a few flashes, but I hope you don’t. You don’t need to go through this again.”

If you weren’t such a coward, you’d just put a shotgun barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe Jane would think she was cowardly. But she wasn’t afraid to die. She just didn’t want Kurt to have to suffer, knowing his wife was dead along with Remi.

“I’m doing this, instead of killing myself, because you have good people around you, people I’ve already hurt enough, and don’t want to hurt any more by making them lose you. You have loyal friends. A husband who loves you very much. Things will be hard for you at first, but you’ll build a life again, like you did before. And this time, you’ll know who did this to you, and why, and you won’t have me telling you to disregard your instincts and undermine the people you care about. I was misled, and betrayed, but I made bad choices, too. I was too stubborn to see it for so long, but the first time we were ZIPped, Jane found happiness, and a new purpose, and even though I still don’t think law enforcement is the shining star of morality… If you’re working with Kurt and his team, you’ll be working towards good things. Hold onto that.”

She took a breath, picking up the ancient Peruvian brick again.

“The one thing I want to tell you about is my—our—brother, Roman. Or Ian. That was his birth name, just like yours was Alice. Ian Kruger. Later, Roman Briggs. He wasn’t perfect, as I’m sure Kurt will tell you. But he was a follower his whole life, not a leader. He followed me, and our adopted mother, because he loved us, and didn’t want to be rejected. Jane hurt him too much, and he turned on her, and on Kurt, but deep down, he was a good man. He just wanted a loving family, to belong somewhere.”

She held the brick up in the camera’s sight. “I want you to keep this. Take care of it. This points to his last message from him to me, on his data caches. To Remi, I mean. Not the old version of Jane.” How did things get so confusing? “I have the actual message saved on my phone, so you should be able to see the message itself there. As for the brick, I took it from Peru, along with something to bargain with for a cure for your ZIP poisoning. Roman was looking for a cure for me, even while he knew I—the old Jane—was working to bring him down. He just wanted his sister back, I guess.”

If she kept this up for much longer, she was going to get too damn emotional, and there was no way she was willing to break down and cry on video. She had to cut this short. “Roman and I went through hell together, and that’s one of the things I don’t want you to remember anything about, so I won’t go into it. But we survived our childhood by relying on each other, and then our teenage years were the same, in a different way. We used to pass a South African rand coin our parents gave us back and forth, giving it to each other as a gift. It wasn’t worth much back then—and it’d buy even less now—but its symbolic value for us was priceless. For Roman, it was a comfort object. Jane buried him with it, so I don’t have it now, but I wanted you to know about it.”

She dug her fingernails into her palm, a technique she’d first used at the orphanage to keep outwardly calm, while a torrent of emotions churned within her. The pain centred her, making the grief easier to bear.

“Things went so wrong, but I never stopped loving Roman, even as Jane. And he never stopped loving me.”

She sighed, knowing she should say more, should give Jane more closure, but knowing she’d never be able to get through it on camera. Maybe she’d write Jane a letter, before Kurt ZIPped her.

“I hope you can build a life again, and find happiness. You sure as hell couldn’t do worse than I did. Please, look forward, not back. There’s nothing here but pain. Good luck.”

She threw down the phone and buried her face in her hands, breathing deeply, striving for the numbness that could get her through the final days of this life. Soon she’d fly to New York, and wipe the slate clean.

The end of my memories can’t come soon enough. I can’t do this anymore.

*

Three days later…

Kurt stared from the vial and hypodermic needle to his wife, a rapidly growing pit in his stomach. What…is happening here? What the hell, Remi?

“It’s okay,” she said, shrugging as though this was a foregone conclusion, a logical end to everything they’d battled through on their way to this moment. “I’ve made my peace with it. There’s nothing left here for me now. This is Jane’s world, and I don’t belong in it. At least…at least this way, you can get her back. Or as close to it as it’s possible to get.”

“It’s okay?” he finally managed to say, his throat choked with an intense mass of emotions that he couldn’t even begin to analyse right now. “Your identity is what makes you you, Remi. You’ve fought to defend it so damn hard, it nearly drove us apart for good. You’ve spent over a year getting so many of your memories back, and now you want a clean slate again? I know you remember how hard it was for you after Times Square, and after Cape Town.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, still not meeting his eyes. “The first time, you didn’t know who Jane was. Nobody knew. This time, everyone will. And she’ll have you, and your friends. It’s…easier that way. Even though I hated you when I found out what had happened to Sandstorm, at least I had…” She shook her head. “Anyway—Jane will adjust quickly. You can get the woman you married back, as she was.”

The words shook him, in so many different ways. He rubbed a hand over his face, floundering to make sense of everything.

To get his Jane back…it was everything he’d dreamed of for so long. During those ten months that Remi had gone off the radar, he’d been desperate to find a way to bring Jane back to the forefront of her mind. Aside from Bethany and work, it had been all he’d thought about, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a spark of hope for that outcome now.

But it was all wrong. It was a fairytale. Jane had been a product of the situation she’d been in, from the bag in Times Square to not knowing who she was, to thinking she was Taylor Shaw and then discovering she wasn’t, to being tortured by the CIA—and then discovering she used to be Remi Briggs, daughter of the leader of a terrorist organisation. She’d become who she was because of the way things had been back then, the way her new life had unfolded, and there was no way to know how much of that would be replicated in a newly ZIPped Remi.

Remi. God… I… He swallowed hard, something akin to grief seeping into his bones.

“What about you? This is like…like mental suicide for a huge part of you. You really want to kill yourself that badly? Why not shoot yourself in the head? Jump off a building? Overdose on pills?” His voice was harsher than he meant it to come out—demanding, angry.

Terrified. He was goddamn terrified.

Remi flinched at his tone, finally looking into his eyes. “Because you don’t want to live without her. And if I did one of those things, you’d have to face that she’d never come back.”

He rose from the couch abruptly, the twister of conflicted emotions within him too much to handle if he stayed still. Tears filled his eyes as he stalked over to the kitchen, and he rested his palms on the worktop, his back to Remi, as he tried to breathe.

“So you really want to die?” he managed to ask.

“There’s nothing left for me. My mother, my brother, my friends, my cause, my convictions… Everything is gone, Weller. There’s no point in trying to rebuild. I’ve spent the past year not knowing what to do with myself, fucking things up…”

He turned on her, snarling, “There’s nothing left for you? Then what the hell am I? Why do you keep coming back? After everything that’s happened, you don’t care enough to stick around?”

She got to her feet, crossed the room, her eyes sad. “The only thing I care about in this life is you, and I hurt you constantly, just by not being Jane. This way, it kills two birds with one stone. My empty life goes away, and you get Jane back. You get to be happy, and I get to…forget.”

A tear slid down his cheek, and he dashed it away impatiently. “Remi…”

She reached up to brush another tear from the corner of his eye, her fingers gentle. “I don’t want either of us to hurt anymore. We’ve suffered enough.”

Staring down at her, he finally put names to the emotions within him. Fear and pain had been easy to identify on their own, but they were joined by a surge of something else, so strong and fierce and breathtakingly real that he could hardly bear it.

Remi… Fuck, I can’t lose you. I need you.

I love you.

Despite everything she’d done to him, all the mental torment she’d put him through, the bitter arguments they’d had, the misunderstandings and deceit that had shredded their trust in each other…he’d fallen for the whole of her, just as hard as he had for the Jane part of her. Remi was Jane, intensified. She’d called herself damaged goods, and he couldn’t disagree, but so was he. Remi understood him in a way Jane never could have on her own.

And he was suddenly, powerfully certain that she loved him just as much.

Unable to control himself, he pulled her into his arms, giving her a crushing kiss that seemed to shock the breath from her, even as she returned it just as ardently. Part of him wanted to reject this whole conversation, carry her to bed, fuck her until they were both too exhausted to do anything but fall asleep in each other’s arms.

But this was too serious to hide from, even temporarily. He had to make his position clear.

Wrenching away from her, he stalked over to the table, picked up the small bottle of ZIP and brought it to the kitchen sink. Unscrewing the lid, he poured the contents down the drain, then dropped the bottle and turned to Remi, who was staring at him as though he’d gone mad.

“What the hell?” she demanded.

“Listen to me,” he told her, his eyes locked on hers. “I will never use that stuff on you. Ever. It doesn’t matter to me that there’s a cure for ZIP poisoning all lined up. There’s no going back for us. I can’t just inject you and turn you back into the Jane you used to be. It wouldn’t work like that.”

She sighed, looking down at the splashes of ZIP remaining in the sink. “Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t?”

He cupped her face in both hands, making sure she couldn’t look away from his face. “You’re my devil, and my angel, and everything in between. Remi, the thought of losing you scares the hell out of me. You’re my wife, and you may not be the way you were when we got married, but you’re still the woman I fell in love with, deep down.”

She was frowning, shaking her head, and he rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as she drew in a shaky breath.

“I love you, just as much as I did when you were Jane. You didn’t make it easy to get to know you, but every time you let me in a little more, I fell for you even further. I need you to stay you.”

“What?” She breathed the word, and he opened his eyes to find her visibly trembling. Her expression was a study in contradictions. Fear. Hope. Anger. Longing.

Kurt smiled sadly. “It’s too late. I already know you love me, too.”

She tore herself out of his arms, stepped out of his reach. “Stop it. This has gone far enough, Weller.”

“No. It hasn’t gone anywhere near far enough. You’re so scared of making yourself vulnerable, of being hurt again, that you’re hurting yourself so that I’ll never have that power over you.” He took a step closer, and she backed into the living room immediately.

He’d once mentally compared her to a trapped animal, defensively clawing and snarling out of fear. He saw that same distress in her now, and ached to hold her, even though it would only make the situation worse.

“I thought we were over this,” she said, her voice brittle. “I’m not Jane.”

“No, you’re not Jane. You’re Remi. I see you, the whole of you. I know exactly who you are, and I love you.”

She eyed the apartment door, her fists bunched at her sides and her jaw set.

“Don’t run from this. Please.” He took another slow, careful step, and though she backed up again, her eyes were on him once more.

“You never took off your wedding ring, even when you were telling me you hated me. You’ve opened up to me more than once. You’ve trusted me to keep you safe, and you’ve forgiven me for mistakes I’ve made, and I’ve done the same for you.”

She pulled at the ring on her finger, trying to remove it. “You can believe what you want to believe, but it’s not true. It was just about sex and anger, and then we became friends with benefits. That’s it.”

He caught hold of her left hand and held it between his, before she could take off the wedding band. “You didn’t even want to admit you wanted me, back when we first realised we still needed each other. Even when you were halfway to coming. Is it gonna be the same now?”

She snorted, but didn’t try to yank her hand free from his. “What, you think you’re gonna fuck a confession of love out of me? It’s not the same thing, Weller.”

“Is that what it’s gonna take?” He couldn’t pretend he was surprised. They’d resolved so many of their other issues through arguing their way into sex. Why would this be any different?

Her jaw trembled before she firmed it, glaring at him. “No, because it won’t work. It’s not true.”

With anyone else, he’d take that as their final answer. A rejection that he’d have to accept and move on from. But with Remi, things had never been straightforward and simple.

She tested him at every turn, refusing to take anything he said at face value, and this thing with the ZIP was likely a part of it. He wanted to believe that was all it was—a manipulation, a shock tactic designed to scare him into laying all his cards on the table—but his gut told him otherwise.

She would never have risked him saying yes to her offer to ‘become Jane again’ if she hadn’t been prepared to accept the consequences. She was too proud to back down from something she’d said she’d do. And that meant that she really was at a desperate end point, unable to find a way to move forward from the ruins they’d left of her pre-ZIP life.

Kurt needed her to see that he could help her find the path, if she’d only trust herself to walk it. But first, she had to know he wasn’t going anywhere, that he wasn’t just settling for a doppelgänger until he decided to stop clinging to Jane’s memory.

And they both had to be clear where they stood with each other.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”

Remi stared at him, for a moment seeming completely taken aback. Then her protective bravado and anger kicked in. “You say ‘jump’, I say ‘how high’? No!”

Even as he understood her reasons for refusing—knew she was just trying to protect herself—her words still stung.

“I love you, Remi.” He shrugged, standing straighter as he laid out his challenge. “If you don’t feel the same way, I need to know. So come on—break my heart.”

God, this is going to hurt.

He believed that she loved him. But whether she’d ever admit it to herself, let alone to him, was another story entirely.

[rhokitten]

As per usual, credit to professorsparklepants who I stole the idea of Fanfic I Won’t Write Friday from.

I saw this Modern Merlin AU gifset and it won't get out of my head. So I may as well write down my thoughts on the idea and maybe it'll go away.

My plotline idea: 

Merlin is (probably) reborn in around the 1990s. He's not entirely sure if he was reborn or if he just slept through the last few centuries. One day in the 2000s/2010s he woke up and had all the memories of his past self as well as his current self. He didn't realize before his past memories returned that what he could do was magic, he'd just thought it was really weird and tried to keep from doing whatever it was.

Merlin is rightly freaked out about waking up centuries after Arthur's death, assuming that something must be coming but whatever it is isn't here yet. He's watching for Arthur but he's assuming that Arthur's return will be very big and showy.

What Merlin doesn't realize is that everyone was reborn, though he's the only one who really has their full past memories. If he'd thought to pay attention he'd realize that the prime minister, one Arthur Pendry Sr., is Uther and his son is Merlin's Arthur. Arthur met Lance, Gwain, Gwen, and the others in college and became friends with them both because they all have weird dreams of being friends as medieval characters as well as because they just get along. Arthur mostly gets along (probably) with his step-sister/adopted sister Morgan (Morgana).

Merlin tries to figure out what happened with magic in between when he was last aware and when he woke up. It seems to him as if the druids took over keeping magic going, keeping it hidden. He gets pulled into a special task force to handle magical police investigations because the task-force leader recognizes that he has magic and because pre-waking up Merlin studied forensics and law enforcement. His partner is just an apprentice mage who Merlin takes charge of teaching magic in between cases. The rest of the police force think they're dating since they can't really explain why they often meet up on weekends/after work.

Merlin runs into Arthur at a coffee shop, accidentally causing him to dump coffee on himself. They bicker but Merlin thinks that while the man looks like Arthur he surely can't be. But Arthur thinks Merlin is cute and familiar in the same way the rest of his friends often are. So he starts following Merlin around, finds out he's a detective, and becomes a nuisance to get Merlin's attention.

Merlin is flustered because he's not really used to that kind of attention. He's confused because he doesn't know why this guy keeps hitting on him when they've barely talked to each other, and when they do talk they spend most of their time arguing. He's anxious because he needs to be prepared for when Arthur returns and can't get distracted by some lookalike. He's worried because what if Arthur doesn't return and this is all some fluke.

Pros of continuing the fic:

Seems like fun. I actually have like half the world building done.

Would be an excuse to get back into forensics.

Cons of continuing the fic:

I've never actually watched Merlin. I'm just a peripheral fandom fan.

What would be the great catastrophe that Arthur is supposed to prevent? Magic being revealed?

I've never figured out how to do good pacing on a police investigation. Could go the route of Sherlock and just hand wave it but that's lazy.

Feels a bit ancient aliens to day "oh yeah, magic is real and nothing has changed from our timeline". I really should do more to flesh out how magic has at least created an invisible society kept secret from modern society and under threat by modern technology.

[lacomandante]

🧶 — any non-writing hobbies/interests?

munday asks!

Yes! I have quite a few, actually. I like to think I'm a jack of all trades. I do historical sewing, and atm I'm currently working on a pair of regency stays. It's a little annoying because I've been working on multiple dresses, only to have to stop because I don't have the correct undergarments to accurately measure if the dress fits or not. So I had to stop what I was doing and make these mockups...I'll get there eventually lol. I also make dolls! Which I never posted photos of when complete, I'll need to do that. Unfortunately I'm very easily fatigued, and sewing is easily one of the most exhausting hobbies I have physically and mentally, which means a lot of these projects take months or years.

Reading, but I feel like that's a given for most people in the rpc. I feel like it's very important to read in order to grow your own ability to write. Currently rereading the Witcher series, alongside Sharpe's Gold and Company. I've also been reading a lot of English accounts of travels through Spain, detailing the landscapes, customs, manners, etc. I think since January I've read over 8 books detailing these things...probably over 2,000 pages combined? I'm endlessly fascinated with historical accounts and I honestly can't get enough of them. Currently reading Letters written during a journey in Spain, and a short residence in Portugal published in 1808. There's a huge gap in the history of Spain during this period so it's been very helpful (although biased) filling in the blanks.

I also do drawing and painting, but this hobby has kinda fallen on the wayside this year. I find myself impatient, but I need to get back into groove of things, as I do really want to improve more.

I would say I do gardening, but...this year my plants almost instantly fried in the California heat, and every time I look into my backyard I just see their decayed husks so. Maybe attempted gardener is best...I have more houseplants than anything, and I struggle to keep my pothos alive, which are pretty easy to take care of....I think I have more of a hobby of buying plants...

Oh! I also do a lot of penpal writing. I joined a Jane Austen FB group and joined a pen pal group in there. I'm more of a casual fan and not really obsessed with her works, but I do enjoy them. I've got three pen pals so far, and they're all older women in England (one I was luckily enough to find that also writes/speaks Spanish so I get to practice!). Two of them are in Kent, and one is in Yorkshire. They're all very sweet and kind and nothing makes me happier than getting their handwritten letters in the mail. I also adore making fancy designs for the envelopes and stuffing them full of stickers and pretty things. Here's a few samples of things I've made (steadily improving lmao) - two for my penpals, and one for Sam :)

I suppose archival work also falls into this? I know how to pirate, burn and rip dvds and blurays, how to convert and preserve files, and I'm currently learning how to preserve and convert VHS. It's really fascinating to me, and I've even learned a little bit of coding and programming on the side for it.

Oh! I also like to make gifsets and photo manips- 10 years of being in the rpc with photoshop skills helps a lot with this. I LOVE making manips of Teresa in other Sharpe films, or in different scenes. I actually have quite a few but haven't posted many of them. Mostly for au's and rp's/fics Sam and I have written and explored.

I also play the guitar, but I say this very lightly. More like I can read tabs, and play some songs, but honestly I'm self taught and would say I'm very much a beginner at best. I really enjoy it but haven't had much time, nor the means to learn more sadly. But I enjoy plucking and learning chords to my favorite songs.

[leverage-ot3]

#this is like the sexiest scene ever and i'm obsessed with it#her passion?? her knowledge?? her relationship to art and artifacts???#(plus she looks like extra pretty)#i'm just *fans self* and i needed a gifset of it (tags via @wistfulwatcher)

Smell it. That's how he knew that Nate was lying.

[ppjeterka]

stealth-hot anon again

you are SO right not a single one of the Sabres is pulling off that Leon Draisaitl smirk, like I'm sorry that man smolders and the Sabres, while very cute, would look like they're just super excited to play a game! None of them are making Connor Bedard reconsider his career and whether it might not be better to just drop to his knees right there if you know what I'm saying.

ugh I feel you with the curse of liking a team that's not super fandom popular... the thing is, I think they will be eventually, but there's definitely ways to speed things up!! obvi reblogging all the videos. All the gifsets. All the gifts that Sabres social media has given us (I think they might be the best in the league at that, like the between 2 stalls series is hilarious, and they let this child-team show some personality which is hard to come by in the hockey world.) Fanart helps, obvs, though I say this as someone who cannot make it. and, unfortunately, fanfic... like sometimes it's a case of drumming up interest with the Narratives and letting the audience build from there which is obvi. V annoying. But also are there any compelling narratives now?? As a longtime Jonathan Drouin-Nathan MacKinnon shipper, the narratives were definitely there, they had all this history, and then it just fell into place this past summer and it took a little while (and some good on-ice performances), but people are getting into it again. Are there any guys like that? (I think Bo Byram and... Cozens, maybe? Is that right?) If there are videos or interviews of that, that is also vvvvv compelling, even if I'm not into the ship it does make me curious to know more about a relationship in general. Owen Power was on one of those very homoerotic college teams, right, does he have any teammates nearby? JJ Peterka and Jack Quinn have excellent chemistry and the Sabres social media know it, which I appreciate. And then there are the individual personalities. Dahlin's aquarium video was hilarious. Tage Thompson might not have a personality (he very well could I just haven't seen one yet) but he is an excellent artist. And Jeff Skinner. We cannot sleep on Jeff Skinner. He is an absolute fandom goldmine, from the figure skating past to the very real personality to the fact that he's def a cutie (appeal to the more mature folk! and everyone else!) to the fact that he's got the NHL record for most games played without a playoff appearance (poor dude), he's a compelling dude and how could you NOT root for him.

stealth-hot anon yay hello again!!!!!!

unfortunately the sabres are doomed by the narrative :(( I wasn't really a big fan of them last year, but I get the sense that they were actually a really fun team to watch (high scoring, promising young talent, admittedly questionable goaltending) and thus the vibes (and filmed content!!) popped off. Then this year started shit and decidedly unfun and killed the vibes that were cultivated last year :( Dylan Cozen's been kind of cold all year, Tage has been alternately injured and/or underperforming, and it doesn't help that Jack Quinn's been out of the lineup for the majority of the season (but it seems like he's coming back soon!), so there hasn't been nearly the same amount of fun off-ice content for fans to sink their teeth into this year...that said, I have faith for next year!!

as for interpersonal player narratives...dylan/bo definitely has good potential but i think the air of tragedy that still clings to the trade needs some time to clear LOL

"Owen Power was on one of those very homoerotic college teams, right," LMAOOOO I'm not really into NCAA fan/shipping culture, but I know Owen and Kent Johnson is/was a pretty big self-sustaining thing? Might need to look into the state that ship is in...

And JJ and Jack. Now that's a duo. Every video they're in together is simply incredible, I have no shame in admitting I've watched all of them more times than I can recall. I think I have 2? 3? WIPs going for them rn?

But yeah, shipping aside, they're just an extremely charming team with great group chemistry and individual personalities. I won't stop clocking into my shift at the sabres fandom mines to get more people to let the light into their lives🫡

[practically-an-x-man]

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

28. Have you ever tagged a fic “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”?

thank you!!! love you bestie!!! <3 <3

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

Hmm.... I have a fanfic idea based on the movie The Voyeurs, with an OC and a storyline and everything, but no intention of writing it. For one, the movie has no fandom (not even a single work on ao3 and all I've seen on tumblr are a few gifsets), and that's fair. It's a good movie, but not the tone that really screams for raving fans. People come for a thriller and to see a few actors with their shirts off, and that's what the movie's made for.

And second, the fic idea is completely self-indulgent and a bit of a fix-it for the events of the movie, but I don't want to write it because I actually like the way the movie ends from a narrative perspective, and I find its permanence to be fitting. The ideas can coexist in my mind - liking the ending from a cinema perspective vs. wanting to give it a happy ending for fun - but I don't intend to put it down on the page at all. It'll just live in my head :)

28. Have you ever tagged a fic “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”?

I have not. My fics have a fair amount of darker content and angst, but I don't think anything's so severe as to warrant the second warning of a "dead dove". Maybe there are a few things that could technically be tagged that way, I admit that I'm not super familiar with what truly defines "so explicit and prevalent it's a dead dove fic", but I've never felt the need to use it with what I've currently written

[39oa]

Jason Robertson for ESPN’s The Point

I have a lot of kids and... people who come up to me and [are] like, "Oh, you're Jason Robertson," and they're Asian and they want a picture. Or I remember going to a game, during the season, and I saw a Filipino flag.

[agentmarymargaretskitz]

Upon thinking about it more, I do want to say that I was absolutely NOT disappointed with Buck Begins. It was really good! Oliver Stark and Jennifer Love Hewitt and the actors who played the younger versions of them were all amazing!

I also 100% read Buck as being bisexual in the episode. He was absolutely flirting with the guy at the bar! And a bi person is still bi even when they're with someone of a different gender, I would never claim otherwise! I'm bisexual myself, I get it. I was just hoping for it to be explicitly stated in canon is all. Or even if they didn't use the word (like most network shows don't), they they would show him having a fling with a guy or something! I just want Buck to be canonically bisexual so bad, and it felt like a huge missed opportunity.

I just... felt more emotionally from the prior episode. The "Love me anyway" line from 4x04 absolutely broke me. I wish I had felt more from Buck's emotional state in the factory fire. Like I said, I think the lack of reaction from the other characters when the explosion happened. I felt robbed of Bobby and Chimney and Eddie's reactions. If you look closely you can see the fear in their eyes, but... I was hoping for a little more.

(I was also not expecting any sort of a big reaction from Eddie like lots of fans were, because that's just not who he is. There was just almost nothing shown, which was disappointing.)

Thr firefam having his back was peak poetic cinema and I will forever be grateful for that moment.

And I *know* things were different because of Covid. I just... even trying to de-hype it in my mind going in, I ended up feeling a bit disappointed.

Maybe it's just because Chimney Begins was so amazing and I can't help but compare the Begins episodes? Even though I'm trying not to... god I wish I could love it the way so many other fans did!

Also, Nurse Omar is my new favorite side character. I loved how invested he got with Buck's life! And he seemed like the only person who Maddie could actually call a friend at the time. And how he desperately tried to get her to leave Doug, but he couldn't force her to, so he just supported her however he could. He was great and I was glad we got to see him.

I guess I'm just sick of the reminders of Doug. He existed, of course he would be mentioned in the flashbacks, but I didn't want to keep seeing the reminders of what he did to Maddie. Hopefully he can stay in the past now.

So over all, I did like the episode. It just felt a little lackluster compared to some of the others, but none of that is on the actors. They were all incredible. It's more on the writers and the editors.

Maybe it will be more impactful upon rewatch once the season is over. Maybe they'll come back to some of these plot threads and keep addressing Buck's emotional state.

I'm still holding out for a Buddie "we need to talk" cliffhanger at some point. Is there a patron saint or god for bisexuals? Because we need a serious prayer circle 🤡🤡🤡

-Quarantine Anon

Those two knocked it out of the park. I watched the episode over my lunch break and was screaming into my hands for so much of the time.

I did not mean to go off in an angry bisexual rant (the LoT fandom has left some marks on me) and I’m sorry about that. Maybe there was some stuff that gave more hints that got left on the cutting room floor? (Whoever is doing editing, we need to talk about those cut tiny scenes!) And it may be a network thing too. IDK.

“Love me anyway” was absolutely heartbreaking and it’s hard to top. Massively hard. There might have been some self projection going on with me watching the factory fire, I dunno. And if we weren’t in a pandemic, maybe we would have seen more reaction without the masks. Plus, yes- good point on Eddie.

That moment- showing what family is- that is gonna stick with the fandom for so long. I expect to see it in the next 118 firefam gifsets.

Chimney Begins was a goddamn masterpiece of hope and pain and I still remember how it tore me apart. Maybe Buck Begins will be better with age? Who knows?

Omar was awesome and I fell in love with him. I’m kinda sticking with an idea that he was so happy when Maddie didn’t come into work after she ran away because she’d finally ditched Doug.

Doug is a tough subject. He’s a part of history, but one people want to forget. It’s hard to watch that shit. 

Maybe we should fight the editors for the cuts?

YES A BUDDIE ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ MOMENT!!! Does Apollo or Dionysus count for the bisexual protection? Lady Gaga? IDK. But imagine that happening before hiatus and then something again that’s definitely A THING by the end of the season.

[raider-of-the-lost-barks]

so i'm back again with my rants (hoping that tumblr will have mercy on me and post it this time)

anyway

i feel like a lot of buddie fans (not everyone, but A LOT) actually forget that buck is a human and also has feelings.  just like the 118 forget about them.

like, they see a pretty boy, who wears his heart on his sleeve, they see his crush on eddie, but that's all.

they just forget that evan buckley has feelings, and that those feelings are valuable.

what made me think like that?

an incredible amount of posts saying "eddie will never forgive abby for what she's done"

well, first

EXCUSE YOU

why would she need that? no one needs eddie forgiving abby. for the love of god, he wasn't even there when buck and abby were dating. he only heard about her from others. the girl has a fiancé now, she moved on, so fuck off

second. who the hell is eddie to forgive her when he hurt buck himself? c'mon.

i actually came across a really good gifset where you can see how much eddie hurt him with his words.

now, those two lines were said when they weren't even fighting. when everything was getting better. and now just imagine what effect would the words make when buck felt a lot worse? like, for example, the whole argument in the shop scene. calling someone exhausting because they have feelings? telling them to suck it up because you always do it and you are not fine? i'm still pissed on eddie for saying that. even tho i hold a grudge on everyone from 118, eddie is definitely on top of that list (followed by bobby, chimney and hen on the last place, cause she was the only one to point out that buck actually has no one else, and she even gave him that cupcake when he came back).

we all now suspect buck having abandonment issues and he already has problems talking about his own feelings. i think that evan was always afraid of talking about his problems, afraid that people will see him as weak, will throw him out like a broken toy, saying that he needed to suck it up.

and then someone actually tells him those words. after leaving him alone to struggle with a thought of losing his job, after the tsunami, after the truck explosion. hell, the poor boy must have a really bad ptsd now, while having problems with his self-worth. he himself said that he feels like he's not much of anything outside his uniform.

so yeah. abby is no saint (i'm definitely not saying that what she did was alright – no, it's just not the topic right now), but eddie is no better. they both did awful things to evan, but buck will always forgive them, because that's just who he is.

and, actually, after thinking about it for a little, i would like to see this:

eddie turns to look at the woman. she looks worried and wary, as if still expecting something else to happen. and maybe, she's right.

"you know what?" he says, when they are left alone, "you don't deserve to be forgiven. not after what you did to buck and how you made him feel with your actions."

it's visible that she didn't think eddie would go on her like this. her eyes widen in shock, she opens and closes her mouth, trying to find the right words.

"you just left him alone, doubting his own self-worth-"

before he can continue his speech, he's interrupted by someone else.

"just like you did?" eddie turns so fast he's sure he gets whiplash. "why are you so shocked? did you just expect me to suck it all up? to stop being exhausting?"

his own words cut him deep, in a way he never thought was possible. he looks at buck, now being the one not having the right words.

"i- i…"

"what? did you forget about that? or did you not expect me to make it all about me again? oh, wait. it was about from the start, so this argument doesn't work in here… what else was there? right, me doing it all to make myself feel better. yeah, this one fits, doesn't it?"

eddie simply stars at buck.

"did you think i would just forget that ever happened? that i just let it all slide and we come back to being best friends? i know that the lawsuit was dumb, but my feelings weren't. still aren't. so you suck all your complaints up and stop behaving as if you have any say in it."

with that buck simply walks away to the others, leaving eddie to think about every time he failed his best friend.

[babygirlwolverine]

I'm sorry to drop this in your askbox but I'm feeling pessimistic and trying to be realistic at the same time (and I need someone I can talk to about this): I feel like we all are in denial and trying to make some kind of sense to this mess when we should simply accept that the ending was just shitty and be happy that, at least, we've got Cas's confession. As much as it's a burry your gay trope, even if Dean did reciprocate Cas's feelings in 15x18, I'm pretty sure the 2 next episodes wouldn't have been different from what they gave us because Jensen said he hated the ending from the start, not because he is a heller (I'm not saying he isn't, because HE IS) but because of the way they ended Dean/the show. Still, I'm pretty sure Misha and Jensen knew how the love confession was important and did everything they could to make it as romantic as possible, which I'll be forever grateful ❤️ Also I wanted to thank you for the fics you write, they always melt my heart 😭

Hi there nonnie. First of all, I want you to know you don’t have to apologize for dropping this in my askkbox. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, okay? I’m here for you- to listen and to talk. Secondly, I want to thank you for reaching out, and for choosing to pick me to reach out to. I know these kinda of struggles can be hard to deal with, and so you’re so brave for sending this message, and I’m just really grateful that you chose to open up to me. Thank you for trusting me.

Thirdly, let me start by saying you are not alone. And I don’t mean that in the placating way. I mean it literally. So many fans, including myself, have been struggling with the same feelings and thoughts you described. Your feelings and thoughts are valid. I understand what you’re feeling, because I have felt the exact same way. After the finale aired, I was so gut wrenchingly broken that I couldn’t enjoy the rest of my vacation. I stopped eating and sleeping because I was feeling so depressed about how things ended. And even now, I still can’t accept the ending. I don’t think I ever will.

And if you can’t accept the ending, then that’s okay, too. Myself, along with many others I know, are simply ignoring 15x20. It’s okay if you never want to watch the finale again. It’s okay if you never want to reblog any gifsets from the finale or write or read any fics associated with it.

Do i think a lot of us are in denial? Yeah, I do. I think there are people grasping at straws to find ways to make it better. And you know what? That’s okay too. The biggest thing to remember is everyone copes and reacts differently. That’s the beauty of humans. How I react may be different than you, which may be different from the majority of fans. And that’s okay. It’s all okay. We are allowed to grieve. We’re allowed to desperately clutch at small hopes as we move through the grieving process.

Was the ending shitty? Hell yes it was. Have I started to accept that? Yeah. Have other people accepted that? Maybe yes, maybe no. Like I said, everyone processes things at different speeds and reacts in their own way. So if you’re ready to move on and try and be happy with Cas’ confession and to focus your energy on that, then do that. You have every right to. You’re allowed to be happy about that moment and to find happiness in Cas’ confession. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently. Find your happiness and don’t let anyone take it from you.

Some people will adamantly say it wasn’t a bury your gays trope. Some people will go to their grave swearing it is. Do I think it was? Yeah, I agree with your thoughts on the matter. I definitely feel like it was a bury the gays trope, but I don’t think Misha intended for it to be that way. Maybe that’s just hopeful innocence, or maybe he was so excited to give us this moment that he didn’t really see the negative connotation that could come out of it. And I think that’s okay, to want to focus on the happiness and freeing moment and to be thrilled to see Cas’ acceptance and journey to opening up and expressing his truest self. 

You’re probably right in saying that even if Dean did reciprocate on screen, it might not have changed the ending. Maybe it would have. We’ll never know because we’re not the writers or producers or creators. Would it have been fulfilling to see Dean say it back? God yes. Would it have changed Dean’s story and his ending? I don’t know. I can definitely see why Jensen didn’t like the ending, especially when he put his heart and soul into this character and he wanted to see justice and a well-deserved ending for the character he’s held close to his heart for 15 years. 

I completely and utterly agree with you that Misha and Jensen must have known how important that love confession scene was to us. Everything they’ve said in interviews and the way they acted on screen screams it in big bold capitals letters to me. They gave that scene their all- they tapped into emotions and drained themselves in unimaginable ways to give us the scene they wanted to express. I’m 110% convinced they had private conversations about the scene prior to shooting, after shooting, prior to airing, and after it aired. This scene meant a lot to them, and it meant a lot to us, and they knew that. They poured their heart and souls into that confession- they wanted us to know the explicit romantic implications. I am totally with you in being forever grateful to Jensen and Mish for what they did for us in that scene ❤️

Lastly, wow, thank you for your sweet words about my fics! I’m so grateful and honored my fics can melt your heart! 🥺😭 sometimes it can feel like I’m writing into the void and that no one cares, so just hearing you say you like my fics means the absolute world to me! Thank you so much! ❤️ I’ve honestly found my writing zone here with destiel. I’ve written fics since I was about 15 (9 years ago now) but I’d never really been dedicated to writing a certain ship or fandom. I’d write a few things for something and then move on. I’ve never connected with a ship like I have with destiel. I’ve never wanted to write so much and been so inspired to write for a ship until I found destiel. And I’m so glad I did. It’s been such a pleasure and such an honor to write and post my destiel fics, and I can promise you I have no plans of stopping writing for Dean and Cas anytime soon! 💙💚

[losthavenmine]

Hi! I check your blog since a few months and I love it! I'm a new Incredible Hulk fan and your gifs are simply amazing. It's been some years since I want to make a gif blog dedicated to shows I like & you gave me the motivation to finally launch myself. I always thought it wouldn't touch a big audience so it would be useless to use my time making gifs even if I take pleasure making them. But since I discovered your blog, I just want to accomplish that and just do what I like. I admire your work!

Hi there! I’m so sorry for the slow response, because of the coronavirus issue we’re all on lockdown (I have three young children, one who has additional needs because of rare genetic disorder) and so time to sit down at the computer is a rare thing and likely will be for the next few months/the foreseeable future. Thank you so much for your message, I love hearing from folks :) That’s awesome you’ve found the show and have felt inspired. Absolutely agree, don’t let notes influence whether you create something or not, I’ve lost count now the number of gifsets I’ve made over the years that have taken hours to make and didn’t reach double digits in notes and that’s okay cause creativity should be about enjoyment and self-gratification ;) Don’t get me wrong, it’s exciting and puts a smile on my face if a gifset of mine appears well received, like, Yay people like the thing I like too and don’t think I butchered its honour lol but it’s not the reason I gif/edit, it’s 99.9% a selfish endeavour ;)

Thank you so much for the kind words, in a stressful time it was a lovely little pick-me-up :) Very best wishes! xx

[princeescaluswords]

Sometimes, it's not even Fanon Stiles. It's just self insert stan, with a Stiles name tag. I'm reminded of all the fics where he berates Scott for not deferring to Derek, or degrades Scott's intelligence, that he "needed" him to tell him he was a werewolf. Or where Stiles considers himself a Hale pack member, which, I have to laugh.

I love that phrase “Self-insert Stan with a Stiles Name Tag.”  With your permission, I’m going to use it from now on.  

As I’ve always said -- the people who behave the worst toward the canon character of Stiles Stilinski are always Stiles Stilinski Stans.  And of that set of people, the worst of them are St*r*k shippers.  

Just as a disclaimer, I’m going to say not all St*r*k shippers but I am going to say a lot of them.  And I’m also going to point out that some of the worse offenders are always the people who get the most likes and reblogs on their posts and the most kudos and comments on their stories, so it’s not like there’s an extreme outlying faction that are the only people who trash the canon presentation of Stiles.

When you list Stiles Stilinski’s traits, you can list his fear of abandonment, his devotion, his aggressive managing of relationships, and his damn-the-torpedos, full-speed-ahead approach to problem solving.   And yet none of those traits seem to survive in St*r*k fiction because they don’t match the heteronormative pattern the author wants to recreate of Big Bad Loner Man and Misunderstood Lonely Girl.

Stiles was never insecure that people wouldn’t like him; Stiles’ insecurity stemmed from people leaving him.  This was the person who aggressively pursued the most popular girl in school, who already had a boyfriend, the most popular boy in school.  He never wilted from her regard or sat in his dark bedroom listening to Norah Jones and complaining that she’d never notice him.  He talked to her directly the first time we, the audience, met her and he didn’t let her ignoring him bring him down.  I mean, he didn’t care if he got Lydia as a date to the Winter Formal because Allison insisted, but he went all out for it, again and again.

Yet how many St*r*k fan fictions have him moaning that he’d never have a chance with a ‘Greek god’ like Derek Hale or that ‘Derek hates me.’  How many of them portray him as a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he wants, when canon Stiles knows exactly what he wants and goes for it, even if it’s bad for him.

And that’s not even talking about how easily the Self-Insert Stan with a Stiles Name Tag drops friendships without fighting for them (if Scott really did neglect Stiles for Allison, do his stans really think that canon Stiles wouldn’t say anything?) or abandon his father if he gets in the way (seriously?).  

This isn’t one or two St*r*k stories.  There are 50,000 St*r*k stories, and I’d estimate that half of those feature a Shy, Neglected Girl in a Stiles Suit and a Strong But Gentle Softie in a Derek Suit.  

As for torturing canon to create a heteronormative spin on a relationship for Tumblr posts, simply think about the number of gifsets you’ve seen about Currents, where Stiles comforts Derek after the death of Boyd and yet the creator completely forgot that the scene wasn’t a romantic moment, but supposedly a wordless attempt to ease the pain of the unimaginable.   How many of those gifsets erase Boyd completely?  How many likes and reblogs do they get?  

Now, as an interesting aside, I want you to imagine yourself as a Hollywood actor who takes pride in his craft, even on a teen show on MTV, but when you encounter your fandom, you find it consumed by a relationship that doesn’t actually exist on the show, that strips the work you put into your character in order to make the character fit the tropes that the show tries to subvert, and that is actively hostile to the events and themes of the show itself?   

Fringe fandom is easy to ignore, but what if that perspective comes to dominate your show’s fandom to the point where television interviewers ask about it as if it were something you had intended to portray on the screen?   What would your response be?  Would you stop  attending fan events?  Would you look for an early exit from the show so you could find one that didn’t make you feel like your acting had been wasted?  Would you consider the fandom behavior, I don’t know, bizarre, twisted and weird? 

Something to think about.

[qqueenofhades]

Hi, I'm the Anon that asked if its ok to be sad about flynn spoilers and mad about the Flynn-erasure/Goran-erasure that is happening with the movie stuff. I am writing positive posts now- you know reasons why Flynn/Goran is fan-f*ckin-tastic. Just a couple posts- so ppl know. Kill em with kindess, right? Sorry if I annoyed you- this is my first fandom and I didn't know that the stars get into shipping (that was hard to see)- and it really disappointed me. I learned a lot.

Hi there,

I’m actually not sure what ask you’re talking about? If you mean the one about the other part of the script, I answered that one earlier, but I didn’t get one explicitly about being sad re: Flynn erasure. So I can promise you didn’t annoy me, it’s just that tumblr ate it. So yes, please don’t worry on that front.

As for the fact that the writers seem unfortunately trying to cram in a forced L/W resolution/endgame, rather than leaving it open for a potential season 3 pickup… well, as ever, they can do what they want with that, but yes, it is disappointing, especially given as the Flynn/Garcy fandom is sizeable and would be hoping for a better result in a movie purportedly for all fans and to give the series a fitting sendoff. Again, we don’t have full context and don’t know what happens, but it’s obviously a human reaction to be upset or not be thrilled about what we have heard this far. I’m still waiting to form my full opinion, and there are some things that gave me feels for sure, but yeah, it’s not the way I would have chosen to end it. I don’t know if I would have come around to this development if it had been given time to unfold naturally over a proper season 3 (forever bitter at NBC for purposefully sabotaging this and in one sense, ensuring that the movie was always going to be a rushed and unsatisfactory ending), but as it stands, yeah, I’m not really a fan.

Fandom can be difficult when you get invested in a story and can’t control it, and when the behavior of other fans impacts on your ability to enjoy it. Unfortunately the Timeless fandom, after starting out lovely and respectful and chill, has pretty much self-destructed, and that does not help. Hence why I am very judicious about how I engage with it and what I want to consume, and I have been in fandom for a long time, so you have to work out how to do that for yourself. What I would like to say is that being a fan of something is not a binding contract to always like everything it does. I myself probably won’t watch the movie, or at least ask trusted folks in advance if it’s worth it, or just watch selected scenes or reblog gifsets. I did not sign an oath in blood to always be bound to the official output of anything (whether Timeless or whatever else) and that’s the fun of transformative works and independent fandom. You don’t like it, well, you always have the ability to change it, ignore it, not engage with it, etc. There is no obligation to consume media that is not going to make you happy. The world is shitty enough and most of us use this for escapism anyway. So yeah.

You certainly have every right to feel how you feel, and there can tend to be fan policing (again, in any fandom) that dictates that you should be universally positive or universally negative about something, which again.. isn’t true. My personal position is almost always to be neutral-positive-ish and to wait for full context and be willing to allow myself to be pleasantly surprised, and that goes for most things, since I too have had to go through the process of detaching myself from being totally emotionally dependent on a TV show or fictional characters. This was harder for me as a fandom newbie, so again, I do feel your pain. But again, either way, there is no obligation for you to feel one way or another, to watch the movie if it won’t make you happy (again, I myself am being very very noncommital on it and am not going to race to anything about it) or so on. Flynn is likewise my favorite character and if they totally shaft him, I’m going to be big mad. But I’ll also completely ignore it, write some vent posts/critiques, and basically pay 0% attention to it in future fic or headcanons. Because if you ruin him, you can’t have him.

So what I’m trying to say is… yeah, the movie promotion/filming is seemingly leaving a bad taste in the mouths of our part of the fandom, and if we don’t want to watch, we don’t have to, or only selectively. I had higher hopes for the movie when it seemed like it would just be about saving Rufus and leaving the door open for a possible season 3, but since they know they might not get picked up, they’re trying to cram in overall answers/resolutions. Again, this is entirely their right to do so, and I am sure some fans will enjoy it; I am happy for them if so. However, it would be a shame if a series I have otherwise enjoyed and gotten so much creative inspiration from went out on such a flat note, and there was a clear intent to crowd out Flynn’s character, his relationship with Lucy, and everything else that he has centrally been to the series, for the sake of a small but loud group of fans. It would not fit with everything thus far and again, we have no obligation to like it or support it.

Anyway… yes. I’m mostly trying not to think about it, and if it’s getting too much, I do advise stepping back or detoxing or so on. You’re not obliged to like everything, and you’re not obliged to react or remain engaged with it. Online drama is exhausting and frustrating, in my opinion, and I stay well away from it. At the end of the day, it still is fiction, and if it’s impacting badly on your mental health, at a time when we all need whatever scraps of it we can get, then by all means, do and react however you need.