#i'm honestly so grateful for this hellsite though

[bookishbrigitta]

Just a reminder that trauma is not just for wars, and trauma responses do not mean you are not getting help. Triggering stimuli are not just things that look or sound like your traumatic experience. Hyperarousal is not just duck-and-cover.

Sometimes the trauma comes from places other people find mundane. Sometimes a trauma response looks like there's been a lot of change in your life, and it's put you on edge. Sometimes trauma makes you make a piece of toast after a long day, and when the toast pops up out of the toaster, it startles you so hard you cry, even though your life is in a good place overall and your therapy appointment went really well yesterday.

[suga-kookiemonster]

satisfy 06

summary⇢ “listen,” taehyung says, eyes wide and eager as he smiles at you. “i figure we can just help each other out. i scratch your back, you scratch mine.” but when you find yourself suddenly in need of a massive favor, exactly how much scratching are you willing to do? pairing⇢ seokjin/reader, namjoon/reader, taehyung/reader, …..jimin/reader word count⇢ 4.8k genre⇢ smut | escort!au | ceo!au (kinda) warnings⇢ none, really. just a few suggestive memories and oc having a crisis 👀 a/n⇢ and now, my dear friends, we finally make it to the epilogue! 🥹 thank you to everyone who has stuck with this fic over the years, and i'm extra grateful to everyone who has dropped in my inbox at any point to scream their feelings about it to me--as well as everyone who has enjoyed it enough to reblog and share! 💜💜 you guys are the ones who really keep me coming back to share my writing on this hellsite, and i truly, truly appreciate you for helping keep fandom fun and alive. i hope you've enjoyed this ride as much as i have enjoyed taking you on it! 🥰😈 mood for this chapter is this song~ thanks again, everyone! 💜

chapters⇢ previous | series masterlist

Just as they were scheduled to, your employers jetted off overseas, leaving you to your own devices for the next three weeks. You weren’t going to lie—it felt bizarre for your calendar to be so open after months of near bursting due to constant activity. But honestly? It was truly refreshing to suddenly have so much downtime. And after your last Kim encounter, you definitely felt your break was well-deserved.   

So, you used the sudden breathing room to catch up on other parts of your life that had been suffering. The next few days were spent burrowed beneath the covers and gloriously unconscious, your truly exhausted body ensuring sleep to be your first priority. Initiating the wildest sexual encounter you had ever had—and probably would ever have—on a Thursday meant that you luckily only had to miss one lecture, and you happily did so, knowing the slides would be online for you to look over later. And though you weren’t asleep the entire weekend, even when you were awake, you didn’t part with the comfort of your bed for long—eating takeout in it and watching true crime documentaries in it and actively ignoring the way your skin tingled when your mind strayed to the other activities you had done in it not too long prior. 

(And if you were being honest, it was a little hard to not linger on what you had done. On what you so easily allowed the Kims to do.) 

When you did allow yourself to linger on it, it almost felt like a fever dream. Some abstract, depraved fantasy that your overactive mind had cooked up. But the ache in your muscles, the tenderness of your pussy—these were tangible proof that it had all been real. That the flashes of hot tongues and gasping breaths and shivering pleasure that kept creeping back, no matter how you tried to distract yourself, were memories, not figments of your imagination. You knew you should probably feel some sort of shame over it, but honestly? Other than astonishment that this was what your life had become, other than the expected fatigue—

You only felt satisfied.

Satisfied that your own needs had been spectacularly met, of course, but also with the knowledge that your employers were even more satiated than you, and that you had done that. You couldn’t help but glow with a sense of pride when your doorbell rang one afternoon and you were handed a gorgeous flower arrangement, the corresponding card detailing that the unexpected, expensive gift was from Kim Seokjin. Months ago, you probably would have felt mortified to receive them—especially with the intimate knowledge of what exactly he was thanking you for—but you had earned those flowers, dammit! Earned that, as well as the absurd amount of money Namjoon unceremoniously wired you in between the texts he sent you every few days to check on you. 

You always gave your all to whatever you set out to do, and this was no different. You were a hard worker, period. No one could fault you for being pleased with the successful results of your efforts.     

So yes, you spent those next few days relaxing and recuperating and feeling rewarded. And when you finally felt enough like a human to leave your nest of pillows and blankets, you used your newfound freedom from distractions to catch up on other parts of your life you had been inadvertently ignoring—the first being your schoolwork, and the second, Jimin. 

You did a double-take when your text thread showed that the last time you had messaged him had been a week and a half ago, unbelieving. Though busy, the two of you never went that long without at least checking in, and for him to not reach out either? You couldn’t help but worry that maybe he had forgotten about you. Found someone much more interesting, someone prettier and much more available to be showered with his attention than you. 

But luckily, your slow spiraling was immediately halted when the timid Hey you sent him resulted in his bubbly, smiley face-filled reply barely a second later. 

And so now, there you were, meeting him in person for the first time in over a month.

“Sorry I’m late,” you told him as you approached the table, slightly out of breath from your hustle there. “Traffic was crazy and the Uber driver seemed afraid of driving, or something? Like, this probably isn’t the job for you if driving in the city makes you that nervous.” Because yes, when Jimin asked if you could meet him for dinner, you were surprised when he chose a spot downtown. And you were even more surprised when you finally arrived and realized that said restaurant was apparently an upscale hotspot, especially considering the meals you usually shared together consisted of nothing fancier than takeout or something you could grab from the convenience store.

He immediately stood up to wrap you in his arms, giving you a comforting squeeze that reflexively had you melting into the warmth of him before he let go. God, he smelled good. “Glad you made it in one piece,” came his amused reply, eyes twinkling as he reached over and politely pulled your chair out for you.  

You did your best to tamp down the familiar delighted butterflies that always sprung up within you when you were near him. There was something more pressing that needed to be addressed. “Jimin,” you hissed out the corner of your mouth, warily looking around. “You didn’t tell me this restaurant was so nice! I would’ve dressed up more.” Because as it was, your simple cocktail dress wasn’t really cutting it. The tables had cloth tablecloths that no doubt were removed and washed between each seating. There were multiple chandeliers sparkling from the ceiling, for fuck’s sake! Jimin had told you to wear something more on the nicer side, but he never told you this nice, and you could tell immediately that you were underdressed. You had been so excited to see him again that you just got in the car without even bothering to google the place first. 

Jimin waved a dismissive hand, visibly unbothered as he retook his own seat. For his part, he had actually taken the time to throw on a rather smart blazer over his dress shirt and slacks, his hair carefully styled and slicked back. “You look beautiful, as you always do.”

Your eyes shifted to the table, a shy but pleased smile inching across your lips. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for meeting me. I was worried you’d forgotten about me.”

You couldn’t help the incredulous snort that escaped you. “Me forget about you? No, of course not, Jiminie. I’m sorry for dropping off the face of the earth—I’ve just been so busy—”

Jimin’s raised hand halted your rambling, the gentle crinkle of his eyes calming your frazzled nerves. “Don’t worry,” he smiled. “I totally get it—I was just teasing. I could tell you had a lot going on, and so I just didn’t want to bother you. You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

Didn’t you, though? Would he feel the same way if he knew just what had been taking up all your time? You reflexively swallowed, sifting uncomfortably in your seat. “Yeah, school has been running me ragged.” And it’s not a lie. Just not the full truth.

“No kidding. I think I got seven hours of sleep total last week, so like I said, I totally get it.” Before it even registered that he was reaching for you, his hand was already enveloping yours, thumb rubbing soothing circles into your palm. “I’m just happy we have the chance to get together now. I missed you.” 

You felt yourself immediately soften into putty at his admission. “I’ve missed you too, Jimin,” came your soft reply. Dazedly, you tried your best not to visibly show how much his unexpected touch was making your heartbeat skyrocket, but from the pleased curl of his lips, you weren’t entirely sure you were successful. 

It didn’t matter, because just as easily as he had reached into your space, he was now letting go, pulling his appendage back to his side of the table to pick up his menu.  

As if waiting for a lull in your conversation, the waiter chose that moment to approach your table. “Welcome to Serendipity. Have the two of you dined with us before?”

“I haven’t,” Jimin replied, expectantly looking your way for your response and finding you scrabbling for your menu instead.

“Me neither,” you squeaked, flustered that you had been too busy making heart eyes at Jimin to even give it a cursory browse. “Is there anything you recommend?”

The waiter reached over a little to direct you a slip of paper on your table that had gone unnoticed until this moment. “You can find our current specials here—I’m a big fan of the salmon, but everything on there is excellent. And we’re actually currently running a dinner for two special, that’s been really popular. One appetizer to share, two entrées, and a dessert to share.”

Yes, it didn’t surprise you that that would be popular—along with how nice the restaurant was, you had noticed immediately when walking in that it was filled with couples who were clearly having romantic nights out.

“I think we’re still deciding on food.” Jimin’s voice cut through your thoughts. “But can we please see a wine list?”

Wine? Your brow raised, not opposed, but surprised. In all the time you’ve known each other, alcohol has certainly never been a stranger—you’ve had late night study sessions together, accompanied by chicken and beer; you’ve gotten shitfaced together at bars after particularly rough exams. But something about this felt…different. In this restaurant, much fancier than you anticipated, surrounded by couples, sitting across a candlelit table from where Jimin was poring over a wine selection that you knew had to be really expensive—this was undoubtedly more intimate.  

You idly cleared your throat, not daring to linger too long on the dots your mind couldn’t help but connect. Because it obviously couldn’t be that. It had to be a coincidence.

“_____,” Jimin said, the slight raise in his voice cluing you in that this wasn’t the first time he had tried to get your attention. “How does this one sound?” 

You blinked our of your thoughts, finding both him and the waiter looking at you expectantly. “Whatever you choose is fine!” you croaked, slapping on a smile for good measure.    

“Excellent choice. I’ll bring it right out,” the waiter said with an affirmative tilt of his head, and then the two of you were alone again. 

It was quiet for a bit while you both properly perused your menus, though from the corner of your eye, the curious glances Jimin was sending you didn’t escape your notice. You were acting weird. You were acting weird and he could clearly tell you were acting weird, but ever since you noticed the restaurant’s romantic atmosphere, you couldn’t help it.

“These prices are kinda wild, huh?” came your attempt at normal conversation.

Jimin took it in stride, lips curling in amusement. “Yeah, they’re definitely overcharging for those stuffed mushrooms. But don’t worry about it—I invited you out, so this is my treat.”

You shook your head immediately. “No, no, I can’t let you do that! I was just making a comment. Don’t worry, I have enough money to pay.”

He let out a bemused sigh, shaking his head, and if you didn’t happen to be looking directly at him, you might have missed him say under his breath, “You’re not gonna make this date easy for me, huh?”

You immediately choked on your own spit, eyes bugging at what you thought you heard. “D-Date?” you repeated incredulously.

Jimin’s spine went stiff, eyes widening as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. You could only watch in amazement as it was his turn to look shy, pointedly averting his gaze to his menu and letting out a chuckle that sounded suspiciously nervous to your bemused ears. When you continued to gape at him, waiting for some sort of explanation, he was forced to continue.

“Yeah,” he hedged cautiously. “That’s what I’d hoped. Would that be a bad thing?”

You couldn’t answer right away, staring him down like he had grown two heads and wondering when he was going to burst out laughing with a Gotcha! You should have seen your face.  

Always one for great timing, the waiter chose that moment to come back with your wine, taking his sweet time pouring it into each of your glasses and cheerfully chatting about the region it came from. You didn’t hear a single word, too focused on the way Jimin studiously avoided your stare, on the noticeable flush that had risen up his neck and was fanning across his cheeks. It was only after you apologetically asked for more time for your meal orders—your mind too frazzled to pick something on the spot—that he left again. Jimin took a long swig from his wineglass.

“Sorry,” he murmured, still not looking at you. “I probably should have let you know my intention beforehand, but I was nervous you wouldn’t come, or I’d chicken out of doing it, or—”

“Your intention?” you parroted dazedly. 

Another generous swallow of wine, the liquid courage coaxing his eyes to meet yours. “I wanted to take you out somewhere really nice,” he admitted. “Show you a good time and work up the nerve to properly ask you out again.”

“On a. Date?” Your lashes fluttered, an involuntary response to your brain short-circuiting. “With me.”

His lips twitched. “Yes, with you, silly.”

“Why?”

“You’re really going to make me say it? Before our food gets here?” He was fiddling with his napkin, but despite his clear nervousness, his gaze was now unwavering and his voice was clear. “Because I like you, _____. I have for a long time.”

These were words that you had only heard him whisper in your wildest dreams, when your subconscious thoughts were no longer being restrained by your common sense. And as such, you could only gape at him, sure you were about to wake up any second.

Your unintentional silence triggered Jimin’s tongue into overdrive, and you could only struggle to make sense of his rambling as he proceeded to tell you how much your friendship meant to him and how he was afraid confessing how he felt would affect it, but he just couldn’t take it anymore. How his feelings for you were growing by the day, and the recent time spent away from you was maddening and only confirmed to him how much he wanted to be with you. And so he felt he had to at least put it out there and try.

And the longer he talked, the more your eyes welled up with horrified tears, panic gripping you by the throat and squeezing, tight, tight.

This was nothing short of a nightmare. 

You would have never agreed to your arrangement with the Kims if you had thought in a million years Jimin would have ever been a serious option for you. 

Absolutely not. You would have swallowed your pride, maybe taken that loan from Tae instead. Would have also taken as many odd jobs as you could to pay him back, would have forgone sleep completely and struggled ten times more than you were now just so you could pay off your debts. Hell, you would have even just fucking dropped out. Would have taken the semester off and attempted to come back whenever you could scrounge up the appropriate funds. 

But never, never ever, would you have done what you had done. 

Because now, not only were you contractually unable to be with the man you’ve—in an attempt at self-preservation—refused to acknowledge you were in love with, but even if you found some legal way to quit now…there was zero chance Jimin would still want you when he knew. Less than zero. And you couldn’t blame him for that, because who would?

Beyond overwhelmed, you did the only sensible thing you could in that moment—you burst into tears.

Your sudden sniveling immediately halted Jimin’s rambling, eyes wide in alarm and looking every bit as distressed as you. “Ah—don’t cry!” He leaned over the table, cradling your face in his hands and swiping your tears with his thumbs. “You don’t have to feel the same way, _____. I’ll get over it, please don’t cry—”

“No,” you blubbered, beyond miserable. He couldn’t be more wrong. “I do! Jimin, I feel exactly the same way, I just…” Your eyes welled up anew, unable to tell him the truth. “I c-can’t.” 

“You can’t?” he repeated, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. His eyes roved your face for any possible answers, nibbling slightly on his bottom lip in thought. “…Is this…” His thumbs were still caressing your cheeks, gaze gentle and open as he quickly glanced around to see if anyone was paying the two of you any attention. When it was clear no one was giving your table more than a few curious glances, he said quieter, “…Is this about the arrangement you have with Tae?”

Everything froze. Your eyes locked, Jimin patiently waiting for your reply. Hysteria trickled through your veins, held only a bay by the disbelief slamming into you harder than a freight train. “W-What arrangement?” you blurted reflexively, a touch too loudly to be believable. 

It was Jimin’s turn be caught off guard, hands slowly dropping from your face and returning to his side of the table, though he was still leaned over it so he could still whisper to you, “You know.” He looked at you pointedly, mouth downturning a bit in his confusion. “With him and his brothers. The arrangement.” 

Jesus Christ, this was not happening. There was no way that this was actually happening to you. There was no way that the man who unknowingly held your heart in the palm of his hand was fully aware that you were fucking his best friend for money. Deny, deny! “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, still visibly puzzled. But the two of you only sat in an awkward silence for a few more moments before he snapped his fingers, a light bulb clearly going off. “Ah! You can’t say anything because you signed an NDA, right?” 

You swallowed thickly, unable do anything more in that very moment than stupidly stare at him like a deer in the headlights. 

“I’m sorry, that was stupid of me,” Jimin chuckled, smacking his forehead for good measure. “I don’t know why I didn’t realize that sooner. Obviously you’re under NDA.” 

You weren’t sure how to respond to that. Weren’t sure from the gentle smile he was now sending you if he even expected a response from you. Luckily, Jimin kept talking. 

“But it’s okay—I already know everything, so you don’t have to hide it,” he reassured you. You didn’t feel assured. You felt like you were in the Twilight Zone. “Taehyung told me about your agreement when you started it months ago.”

If you were flustered before, that was nothing on what you were feeling now. Now, half-thoughts were ricocheting across your brain too quickly for you to grasp anything of substance but your internal screeching. “You know everything?” you repeated incredulously. This time it was you who leaned over the table, meeting him in the middle. “Taehyung told you?!”

“Of course he did!” Color rebloomed across his cheeks, but he didn’t shy away from the bewildered stare down you were giving him. “He’s my best friend and he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be stepping on any toes. He…knows how I feel about you.” When you only continued to stare at him, he nervously added, “Who do you think got me the reservation for this place to begin with? The waitlist is literally a year out.”

“I’m sorry, I just—” You pulled back so you could reach for your wineglass, allowing yourself a few healthy sips to give your mouth something to do other than flap about like an idiot while you stalled. Jimin didn’t call you out on it, just waited patiently and topped off your glass when you set it back down again. 

You took a few steadying breaths, ultimately choosing to lean back closer to Jimin. To the casual onlooker, the two of you were just another couple making heart eyes over a romantic dinner. And considering the rather lewd and illegal turn your conversation had just taken in this very public place, that only worked in your favor. “Let me get this straight,” you whispered, carefully choosing your words in case you still managed to garner an unwanted audience. “Taehyung told you the deal he has with me. Months ago.” Jimin nodded. “And you’ve known this entire time about our…arrangement, but never told me you knew.”

“I swear I didn’t at all mean to keep that a secret,” he murmured, expression contrite. “I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or embarrass you or anything like that, so I’ve just been waiting on you to bring it up at your own pace. But I didn’t take into account that you would never bring it up because you would be under NDA, which, again, now that I say it out loud was an extremely stupid assumption of me not to make. I’m sorry.”

“So. You have feelings for me,” you reiterated, ignoring the delighted shiver that raced up your spine at the words. You had to be sure. “But it didn’t bother you that your best friend…propositioned me? You have no problem with me being…involved with him and his brothers?”

“You were caught between a rock and a hard place and the grind never stops. You know I know that better than anybody,” he replied with a shrug. He swallowed, discreetly ensuring no one was paying the two of you any attention before he added, “You think you’re the only one who’s sucked dick for money?”

Your eyes widened, jaw dropping a little before you could catch it. Was he…implying what you thought he was implying? There was no way. You had to be reading into it. 

But ultimately, all of this was irrelevant. When the ghost of Seokjin’s mouth on you came to you unbidden—the phantom weight of Taehyung’s body, the haunting reprimand of Namjoon’s stern hand—

You shook your head, unsuccessfully dispelling those unwanted, lingering thoughts. Your gaze skirted to the table, despondent and embarrassed as you finally set free your hushed admission. “Jimin, I’ve done more than suck dick for my money.” 

There was a pause, an agonizing one that felt like an eternity, and then he was lifting your chin with a finger and guiding you to meet his eyes.

“Again.” He reached for your hands, thumb tracing patterns over your knuckles. His smile was a soft secret. “You think you’re the only one?” 

He held your gaze, not looking away even though your mouth just flapped uselessly as you struggled to regain your bearings. So he did mean—

“Does knowing that bother you?” Jimin asked quietly, expression now carefully neutral. Seriously asking, and giving you the proper space to process and answer. “Does it change anything?”

“No.” The truth, though delayed, left you as easily as a breath. He was still Jimin. “Of course not.”

Jimin’s resulting grin turned his eyes into crescents. “Soooo…what I’m hearing is that we’re clearly on the same page and are both Team Fuck Bitches, Get Money.” 

Boy, did you wish you could smile back. Wish you could share in his obvious relief. But while you assumed his exploits were in the past, the same couldn’t be said for you, who was actively under contract. “Jimin, I’m still…employed,” you couldn’t help but point out. “And still will be for a while. That really doesn’t bother you?”

“It really doesn’t,” he insisted. But your continued hesitance had him pulling back from you, hands busying themselves with reaching for his wineglass as he carefully asked, “Should it? Is there something else I should know?” A couple sips of wine to steel himself before a  cautious, “Do you have feelings for any of them?”

“No!” you blurted. Despite the amount of time and intimacy you had been spending with the Kims, romantic feelings had never even crossed your mind. Your pussy certainly felt some things when she was getting some action, but your heart had never gotten involved. Your heart was too busy crowding in your throat at that very moment, threatening to fling itself at the man in front of you.

Jimin took your sincerity for what it was, a pleased twist to his lips. “Then it’s all fine with me. And again, Tae’s been aware from the beginning that I’ve been intending to ask you out, so that expectation has been there since the beginning. All three of them agreed to the deal knowing that I might be in the picture if I ever decided to put my big boy pants on and tell you how I feel. They’ve been expecting it, so they’re cool with it.”

“They’re cool with it,” you parroted blankly, completely flabbergasted. This was absolutely not how you foresaw this night going, and you never would have thought your life would ever take a turn like this in a million years. “They’re cool with it, and so are you?”

“I don’t mind sharing your time,” he shrugged. “So long as I’m not sharing you.”

“And you don’t see that as the same thing in this…situation?” you asked incredulously. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

Jimin puffed out an amused laugh. “Wow, you really are trying to talk me out of this, huh?”

You waved your hands. “Absolutely not, that is the last thing I want! I just. I come with a lot of baggage, and I don’t want any of it to come as a surprise. As busy as I’ve been the last couple weeks? That’s becoming a reoccurring normal. And Jimin, I just feel really shitty.” You swallowed. “Because I can’t promise you everything that you deserve to be promised right now.”

Jimin’s face softened as he listened to you, visibly much more comfortable now that you had successfully reassured him just how badly you wanted this. And oh, did you want it. You weren’t sure how this could ever work, but god did you want it to.

“Not fair,” he repeated under his breath, eyes glazed over in thought. “Hmmm.” 

“Is there anything I could do?” you hedged. You weren’t really sure what that could possibly be, considering the ironclad situation you were in. But now that you had been given a glimmer of your heart’s desire, you couldn’t let it fade away. Not if you could help it.  

His reply wasn’t immediate, still lost in thought. But when his eyes finally refocused on you, smoldering and intense, you couldn’t help the way your breath caught in response, the way your heart quickened. “Here’s an idea of what we can do to make it fair. What if you continue to work for them, just as you are now. And then…” 

He was thoughtlessly swirling his wineglass, momentum pulling the ruby liquid into slow, circling waves that would be rather hypnotizing if you weren’t already caught in the snare of his gaze. When he leaned across the table again, the way you followed suit was as easy as breathing. A lovesick sailor willingly lured to possible danger by a siren’s song. “Whatever you do for them, you do for me. How does that sound?” 

You let out a soft breath, just the thought of it immediately electrifying your every atom. Sparks danced excitedly beneath your skin, his soft, sultry tone curling your toes in their shoes. 

“Fair.”

His Adam’s apple dipped excitedly, lips parting.

“So sorry to interrupt,” someone suddenly said from beside you. It was the waiter again. You had completely forgotten about him. Completely forgotten everything other than the restless tap of Jimin’s fingers against the table. “I just wanted to check in to see if you were ready to order?” 

“Yes, I think so.” You didn’t look away from Jimin—still hadn’t even glanced at the menu. Your tongue swiped over your lips, and his gaze darkened in response. 

“But I think we’d like it to go.”

chapters⇢ previous | series masterlist

[weird-bookworm]

𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗞 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗙𝗥𝗢𝗠 𝗔 𝗪𝗘𝗜𝗥𝗗 𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗠 ♥︎

this year has been crazy, to say the least. i'd write a long ass message, but actually, each and every single one of my moots deserves their own

so here goes

@silversailormoan- you were my first moot, and i still don't have a name for you. all i know is that i am eternally grateful you trust me enough to share part of your life with me, and that i'm very glad you went from my fav ao3 bts writer to someone who randomly messages me whenever. thank you

@yrhome- i was shocked when you followed me back actually, but after that you've just poofed off the site. i'm sorry we never got the chance to interact more, because you were one of y fav writers on here. i hope we can get closer this coming year!

@maeleelee- mae mae oh mae you are one of the most special people i know on this hellsite, and that is saying something because i know so many people i love here. you were my first friend on here, as unhinged as me, and with such a friendly and warm personality i almost cried (that is a lie. i have definitely cried because you're too cute. i am not joking). we've shared so many moments here, and you've trusted me so much, it made this year so much more special to me. promise you'll keep being your adorable self next year too, but most of all, promise you'll be happy next year <3

@imagine-a-life-like-this- talking to you for the first time felt like a fever dream, even though i had sent asks before and i was already friend with mae. you have always been a writer i respect and like a lot, specially with your smaus (chef's kiss fr). on top of that you are always so sweet??? hello, is this a dream?? i'm glad we got close enough for me to see your more unhinged persona (which i am in love with) and that i could see your bts debut lmao. let's have even more fun next year

@mxnsxngie- you're so mother istg it's the best thing ever lol. what i've said about you in my moots list is very true, you gives me fairy vibes. you're so pretty and lovable and asdfghjkl i just love you okay? i've loved every single conversation we've had and i lovee how you read my rants and then respond with a veryyy long message with a ton of typos because you're getting ready for work in the morning (thank you for still reading and replying though, you're so busy but you always take out time for me <3) keep being adorable!

@hannieheartuu- i love you. you are always so sweet and kind and sensitive and talented i just wanna cuddle you and keep you in my pocket and call it a day. i get too much cute aggression with you and i get too protective over you, but can you blame me? you've given me so much love and so much trust it warms my heart, so thank you ylli. thank you for being an adorable lil bunny and loving me and letting me love you, let's carry forward this energy <3

@fairyhaos- is it just me but i feel like you don't really need me to tell you how grateful i am and how much i love you, specially after what happened today lmao. but honestly, you were one of the first svt writers i came across, you have always been this really kind angel, and you ranting about shua makes my day in the best way possible. you're talented and adorable and so so reliable, and i'm really grateful for that. i'm glad i can call you my friend and i'm glad that you call me that too

@idubiluv- ah, yes, my virtual didi lmao (you said it, not me). you come here rarely because unlike most of us, you are slightly more responsible. and yet, you are so fucking loved and adored and i just love to see you getting so much affection, because you deserve eevry inch of it. we've had really fun conversations and your pfp always leads me to believe that you are absolutely gorgeous (i remember my sleep riddled brain once thinking that you would sparkle like edward when i'll first meet you...yeah i'm weird ahem anyway) and you have such a sparkly personality to match? heaven indeed

@the-therapist-needs-therapy- i remember us interacting continuously for a while, and then we just stopped, and i don't know why. let's become closer this next year, talking to you was fun.

@babyboyquokka- okay so we've talked a total of 4 times, but it was enough for me to decide that we really need to talk more (i am aware our timings don't really match but i have those rare days i pretend to be an owl and stay up very late so we'll see lmao)

@cadenonlinelive- how did we go from me being scared of you (...don't ask) to me actively teasing you (hello reply to me don't leave me on read) it might have something to do with the fact that the wifeys constantly call you adorable but ahem i do quite agree. i feel like my age plays a big factor why you might not feel the most comfortable with me, but i hope we can become good friends next year :))

@slytherinshua- eeeeeee you're my adorable lil (we are going to ignore the fact that you are taller than me) gremlin who makes me wanna kms but also bae are you okay. you have somehow made me question life within the short (yes i know surprising) period we've known each other, and also made me believe that with determination, anything is possible (like ranking 125 smth idols according to how much you love them). i'm really glad you made our server, because i don't think i would've stayed on this hellsite otherwise lol

@icyminghao- why is it that one of us will start a conversation in the other's askbox and then we just. stop interacting again ∏~∏ i love your work and i'd love to be closer :(( let's become good friends the coming year!

@ryuwonieebae- same as with haru, we talked and then stopped, and i wish we hadn't. i hope life is going well and you're happy :))

@rubywonu- niaaaa my love is it just me or did we barely interact but it still feels like we're already pretty good friends lol? i swear your work sends tingles down my spine it's that cute. you're also my favourite couprang, so i'm gonna take that as a free invite to rant to you about him whenever and wherever hehe (this is me telling you to expect ig reels in your dms i have way too many cheol reels saved)

@mesanthropi- weiwei!! bae you give me so many noni vibes + this-is-one-person-i-wanna-keep-around-for-a-long-time-if-they-will-have-me vibes it's crazy. i love our quirky conversations and i adore your art, but i specially like seeing you in others' inboxes— your asks are always just so cute. also, you are definitely someone i have cute aggression with so (...my pocket is large enough me thinks, you're always welcome)

@wheeboo- okay first and foremost, thank you for inviting me in the server in the first place, it has become a trusted source of entertainment and fun and just general clownery, and who doesn't love that? you and zanna really created a safe space for all of us and i'm so honoured that you even thought to add me there sob. BUT i also read your jun fic before anyone else i was squealing did i tell you? i was sooo excited afghjkl the end line is— thank you for trusting me and being my friend ilyyy

@hanniehaee- bro why did you randomly show up one day with a ridiculous amount of reblogs and disappear off of tumblr altogether WHERE ARE YOU I MISS YOU

@aaniag- hello fellow a little too crazy with the emoticons desi carat have i ever told you i love you? i have? well i don't care! i love you anyways lmao. a, i absolutely adore your random ass asks filled with 218 twins (spare me please), b, i love how you never stop yourself from going crazy with the emojis and emoticons, and c, i am very thankful that you love me so much, please don't stop doing that

@woozvc- noraaaa i feel like we've gotten so close lately, i specially love our little trio with cien hehe ^^ i love love love you and the way we blamed noni for never realising we weren't friends on discord for the longest time shall always make me smile. talking to your bf was adorable and i want you to keep reminding me that i have to write a fic for you, please and thank you!

@eternalgyu- to the awesomest most iconic goddess coded person ever, hello bae hru :D how tf r u so gorgeously stunning tell me the secret please i am so whipped but also, GREMLIN LINE!! you are as unhinged as zanna and that is truly appreciated. also, thank you for getting me into riize (i still need help) (also i will show up to tomorrow's quiz promise) i swear everything's so fun when you're around and i really hope we can get upto even more shenanigans next year mwah!

@welcometomyoasis- shu! adorable pretty shua coded shu! thank you for assigning me soonyoung in your end of the year post, and i meant everything i said in the tags okie? you're shua coded because you're soft and sweet and adorable and talented and i just really love you okie? never stop writing though, it gets me through on the bad days and i love it.

@springdayysworld- you get nothing, i'll see you in school (show up please no leaves allowed)

@mirxzii- look, all i know is that i love your voice, and that i really want you to show up in the server more so we can interact more, let's get closer next year!!

@blue-jisungs- axeeeee thank you thank you thank you for handling my silly little rants, specially yesterday's. your typos are adorable, your jokes are impeccable, your boomerness is lowkey rubbing off on me, and i really hope that i can write like you one day. i wish we can become better friends this coming year and continue being idiots. please don't stop being so axe :D ilysm <3

@haecien- cienciencien my smol tiny little bean i know you're older than me but ignore that please it's so fun to tease you and talk to you and simp with you. everything's just so much more fun with your unfiltered commentary and random rocket pictures (please don't stop). one day i would like to count all your husbands and complain to your bf (when is he asking you out please spare us) but until then, i love you.

@aakomii- i'm still surprised you followed me back tbh, you've always been a writer i've appreciated a lot and i'm glad i made an impression big enough lol, let's become good friends next year!

@etherealyoungk- give me your patience or your talent please, it takes me out every time. another thing i wonder is how are you so calm after stanning kwon soonyoung of all people (what is the secret tell me i need to know) but either way, i hope new year treats both of us well <3

@glosskirt- heheheheh fellow army ilysm we haven't interacted much but i hope we talk more because you're sooo fun <333

@candewlsy- mizu!! let's talk more because we really vibe and i look forward to every meme you send me (and the flirting. gotta love the flirting lmao)

@kkooongie- when you become moots on the last day on the year 😁🥰

[agustdiv1ne]

honestly? it could've been worse.

lots of things happened in 2023, both good and bad, in real life and on this hellsite. i feel like i've started to hone in on my voice as a writer this year, and my creativity and motivation just seemed to skyrocket for absolutely no reason. it's been fun sharing my work with you guys, and i'm forever grateful for all the love and support i have received <3 furthermore, thank you so so much for 4k followers!!!!! i never thought i would reach such a milestone, so it truly means a lot :')

there's a lot i wish i could have done during 2023 that i didn't end up doing, but i think it is best to focus on what i did accomplish and use that as a stepping stone towards better things. also, there were a lot of times where i didn't feel content with where and who i was. right now, however, i can confidently say that i am happy; i am hoping that happiness will be abundant for everyone in 2024! we all deserve it!!

furthermore, everyone worked hard, so i hope you all give yourself some grace in order to recharge and reset. taking breaks is paramount in maintaining your health and happiness, and i'm glad i learned that it's okay for me to take them lol.

so happy new year everyone! i hope 2024 brings many wonderful things your way, and may we all have a lovely year!! <33

to: @gummygowon 🖤

MAIIII hi ilysm <333 i can't believe we've been friends for 3 years like that's fucking crazy. we have both been THROUGH it over the years but i'm so glad that we've always been able to talk to each other about the crazy shit that happens to both of us 😹 like idk who else i could talk about it with honestly. we are seriously like the same person which is so wild to me but i'm also so grateful for it fr!! i would trust you with my life methinks...also talking about fic ideas with you is so fucking fun. our brainstorming sessions go crazy fr ‼️ ANYWAYS i need to stop being sappy so i love you bitch and we WILL meet up this year or else i will riot!!! happy new year <3

to: @lunalovesstories 🖤

lunaaaa hii!!!! my fellow yeonjun stan, we feel the same pain and suffering whenever he is wilding LOL </3 also i feel like we became close super fast hehe ^^ i'm so glad that we became friends this year and i am forever grateful for you and how kind and supportive and overall amazing you are. becoming moots and friends with you was definitely one of my highlights of 2023!! our daily conversations are something i always look forward to no matter how short or long they are; i truly love talking with you and i hope we can continue to get closer this year :) happy new year! <33

to: @cheolhub 🖤

SAR!!!! ik you haven't been super active as of late so i hope you've been well <3 you are genuinely so cool and i love you sm. i think i screamed when we became moots and then when we started actually talking to each other i screamed even more...embarrassing. well anyways moving on! you are so fucking funny and i love hearing about what you're up to whenever you reappear on disc. you singlehandedly made me reconsider my bias line in svt bc cheol is currently infiltrating it </3 also lmk if you ever need me to fight that girl bc i will do it. no questions asked. seriously though, i hope you're thriving in the year of 2024, happy new year <3

to: @toruro 🖤

mika mika mika hiiiii ^^ you are crazy in the best way tbh, i aspire to be as unhinged as you are...LMAO moving on, you are hella kind and such a fun person to talk to! i love hearing about what you get up to bc it's usually funny af. like. you are just so real. you are such a bright spot on tumblr, please never change because you are amazing and ilysm <3 also your writing is insane. i always start gnawing on my leg when i see that you posted bc i know it's gonna be a banger!!!! you never miss!!!!!!! okay anyways ily again and i hope you have a happy new year <3

to: @prodsh00ky 🖤

hi sam!!!!!!! i hope you've been doing well <3 i know our convos are sporadic af but i always enjoy talking to you and hearing all of your updates! i just think you're so cool and i always get so excited whenever i see you pop up in my messages. i also love talking about writing with you because you understand my pain LOL. i know you're quite busy so i hope everything in your life is going well!! i also hope that 2024 brings you great things because you truly deserve it :) happy new year!!!

to: @koqabear 🖤

sol....my enemy >:( i will not forget all of those assassination attempts that you tried on me throughout 2023. trust me, i won't. JK ANYWAYS HFJHHFDJ you are like the coolest most awesome person on this website to me and i am so grateful that we are friends <3 also grateful that we started talking this year after being moots for a long while. i've always wanted to talk to you tbh so i'm glad i stopped being a weak little bitch and finally did it 😹 i will always go insane over your fics and write like a 2k word essay in response each time, so i hope that doesn't bother you...i will not be stopping though so ig it doesn't matter.......anyways, happy new year!! here's to another year on this hellsite <3

to: @boba-beom 🖤

smiles!!! you are such a ray of light on my dash, i swear i always smile when i see that you've posted. i know we don't talk all that often but i genuinely am so grateful that we are mooties n friends :> you are one of my longest moots, and i am so glad that you have stayed on here as long as you have because idk what i would do without you fr <3 you are so talented and kind and just a wonderful person to be around! happy new year!! may you be happy n healthy this year <33

and to all of my lovely mutuals: @nightlyawnzz @wolfytae-exe @aduh0308 @hyuk4ngel @dearlyjun @takemehye @mazeinthemoon @tyunkus @mixtape-racha @huckleberrykai @naomiarai @hyukalyptus @mapofthemazeinthemirror @taegimood @blackhairedjjun @txtistheloml @heart2beom @majestyjun @fairyofshampgyu @ttyunz @huenation @cherrypeeking @tyungelic @ncteez @peachanonie @hyewka @heartchoi @beom-pyu @petrichor-han @hoshiseon @strawbrinkofdeath @delcakoo @beoms-sugar @minastras @0x11s @hwasdollie @mimziie @baekhvuns @wooyukh @venusiangguk @ah-ga-seven @jimilter @ateezmakemeweep

hello and happy new year!! i hope all of you doing well and that 2024 is treating you well so far :) no matter how much/little we interact, please know that i am so happy to be sharing this space with you ^^ that being said, i hope we can interact more this year!!! (i promise i will try to be less shy,, the keyword here is try) you are all amazing people and i love you all mwahhh <333

🖤 — january

27: give me more (m) — yeonjun ; est. relationship au, pwp

🩶 — february

regrettably empty :(

🤍 — march

23: 10:52 p.m. — soobin ; college au, introverts at a party

🖤 — april

04: frat boy!yeonjun

07: confession — chan ; best friends to lovers au + self-care (m) — seonghwa ; est. relationship au, soft smut

08: corruption (m) — hyunjin ; est. relationship au, corruption kink

11: stormy night (m) — seonghwa ; est. relationship au, hwa vs. your fear of storms (he wins)

13: industry lovers — yeonjun ; strangers to lovers au, idol!reader

16: guitar lesson — beomgyu ; best friends to lovers au

21: 2:54 p.m. — taehyun ; college lab partner au

🩶 — may

09: picnic date with boyfriend!yeonjun

16: brother's best friend (m) — yunho ; the au is the title lmfao + 10:21 p.m. (m) — soobin ; est. relationship au, car sex + early mornings with boyfriend!yeonjun

19: vacationing with boyfriend!yeonjun

27: 8:02 p.m — hueningkai ; jack frost au

28: cowboy!yeonjun (m-ish)

🤍 — june

01: double trouble (m) — hongjoong + seonghwa ; poly au

03: 9:05 p.m. (m) — yeonjun ; plane sex pt.1

06: 9:23 p.m. (m) — yeonjun ; plane sex pt.2

13: the horrors — yeonjun ; est. relationship au, horror actress!reader

23: txt finding out you have an onlyfans (m)

24: late night outing with boyfriend!soobin

26: dry humping (m) — minho ; pwp

🖤 — july

04: meeting odi for the first time with boyfriend!soobin

08: 12:43 a.m. (m) — yeonjun ; best friends to lovers au + best friend!txt finding out you write smut about them online

started my 3k event: love like the movies!! (which is still ongoing. i'm so sorry)

13: 3k event — yeonjun + howl's moving castle (m)

17: 3k event — beomgyu + titanic (m)

24: 3k event — taehyun + twilight (m)

31: 3k event — hueningkai + enchanted

🩶 — august

05: 11:01 p.m. (m) — yeonjun ; rockstar au + 3k event — soobin + the avengers

11: 11:58 p.m. (m) — yeonjun + taehyun ; stoner fratboys au

26: 3k event — taehyun + the proposal (m)

🤍 — september

02: 3k event — beomgyu + the devil wears prada (m)

12: ticket to nowhere (but your heart) (m) — yeonjun ; strangers to lovers au

21: untitled (m) — beomgyu ; college au, tutor!reader

22: untitled (m) — taehyun ; college au, nerd!taehyun

🖤 — october

03: telepathy (m) — beomgyu ; mind reader au

23: 3:13 a.m. (m) — beomgyu ; vampire au

🩶 — november

07: 9:51 p.m. (m) — soobin ; serial killer au

🤍 — december

started my 4k event: finish my 3k event LMAO

🖤 — writing plans

get my 3k (and now 4k?) event done (#1 priority after i finish my current soobin wip)

rings of saturn (tear me apart) (m) — taehyun ; college au, friends to lovers au

going under (m) — taehyun + kai ; surfers!tyunning, summer fling au

and they were roommates! (m) — choi line ; college au, new roommate!reader

cross (m) — yeonjun ; cyberpunk au, cyborg!yeonjun

wait on me — kai ; college au, cafe au

the language of love (and the woes that accompany it) — beomgyu ; soulmate au

love, unabridged — soobin ; single dad au, neighbors to lovers au

adagio (m) — yoongi ; second chance at romance au

art incarnate (m) — namjoon + seokjin ; cursed!seokjin, museum curator!namjoon, love triangle

and many many more..........you will see. this is just a taste >:)

🩶 — goals for this blog + myself

interact with more ppl! and more often!!

write 150k words?? we'll see...

write longer fics!!

plan a collab event ^^ i've always wanted to host one, and i think this year is the year!

that was long as hell (sorry)...anyways! once again, happy new year!! love you all <3

- ashlee

p.s. check out my 2023 fic recs post here :)

[zepskies]

And I'm SO happy you're back, my lovely Wayne!! Of course, you decide to spoil me with this review the minute you dip back into this hellsite. 😘

(yesss, and don't think I didn't see that chapter you dropped of Polaris! When I get back from my vacay I will be diving into that. I need to know what happens next with our favorite cowboy sheriff 🤠)

I'm very glad and grateful you made the time to start ESC! I had so much fun figuring out Russell Shaw and the Tracker cast -- especially with all them Deanisms. 😏

Diving into the rest of your awesome comments below!! 💕

First of, Professor Goldstein is a piece of work... 😒 I wouldn't blame her for spitting into his coffee every time he calls her sweetheart. But Russell, I see you. She's gonna be so annoyed with him 😂

Oh he's a piece of something, all right. 🙄 She could def pull a Rachel on his ass. And Russell...lmao, you already saw where he's heading with this. 😂

Ooooh, another professor character paired with some rugged Mountain Man 😏 I'm addicted to those couples. She's all business up front, and he's all party in the back (seat of his Chevelle) 🤪

LOLL the way it didn't even occur to me when I was writing this (at first) that I was writing another professor paired with a law enforcement (sort of, in Russell's case), man of action type, like in Take Me Home with Beau Arlen. 😝 I came at it with the thought of, "what if she was Dory's best friend, and they worked together at the university?" I must have a thing for writing nerds who get the rugged, sexy Mountain Man. Not at all fulfilling a personal fantasy.

UGH. The nerve!!!!! Massage therapist????? How about I step on your back with my high heels, bro... And then to go on about his trip and parasailing... Guess it's true. Ignorant people are happier 😂

Fuck YES, I'd be high-stepping up and down his spine fr. 🤣 Ignorance is bliss, I guess? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Or why are campuses so big in general? My university actually had several faculties strewn throughout the city. Sometimes it took an hour and several subway rides to get to your next lecture 😅

Oooh my God, now THAT's crazy! A whole subway ride(s)?? I've worked/gone to school on some big campuses, but that takes the cake. I guess you get your daily workout one way or another lol!

Please tell me Russell's in the room when she said that 😄🤞

Big YEP lmfaoo, and he likes her already because of it. 😂

Ooooh, right! I wonder how much she knows about the Shaws. Not something that comes casually up in the cafetaria I imagine 😅

No it would not, lmfao! But that is something that will be explored (how much she knows) in the chapters to come, for sure!

Love this whole exchange. You're making my dreams come true, babe 😘

Ahaha I had to do the little callback to sriracha fries (and figure out how tf to spell sriracha, first of all. 😂)

I keep thinking he probably has that look now because he was in the army for so long. Young Russell was pretty much young Dean Winchester in a uniform (hello there, soldier 😏)

Ooh that's SUCH a good point (and yumm). It's making me hope that we get a flashback of Russell in his military days someday in Tracker.

Well... It's a toss-up, I'd say 😆

Oh, very much a toss up/personal preference there lmao. I've loved Justin Hartley since his Smallville days as Green Arrow. 😆 But in this case, I felt like Russell would try to claim top billing there loll.

In. His. Car 🚩🚩🚩😂 If any strange man said that to you... 🚩🤣

Honestly, it's amazing how many red flags you ignore when someone's charming and handsome. 🤣🤣🤣

Well, at least, Colter has an Airstream 😅🤷‍♀️

Ha!! True, it's beating out Russell's crusty motel of the week by far, I'd say.

He is a professional flirt. Kind eyes...

Oh don't worry, we're getting to that callback. 😏

Dear God, he does not stop, does he? 😆 (On the show, I loved his persistence with Reenie too, even though it was mainly just to annoy Colter. But you captured him beautifully here with this sort of charm 🥰) PS: schmutz, schlep... I love the sprinkles of Yiddish in this 🤓

In fact, he does not! lmfao That was what I loved about it too -- like maybe half of him is serious, and the other half just wants to needle Colter. 🤣

Aw I'm glad you caught that! lol I'm not Jewish, but for some reason it just felt right for these characters. 💜

STOP IT! And he upgraded too!!! 🤣

He absolutely did!! And this time, it actually worked! 🤣🤣

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS! Gah, this was fabulous! I'm hooked! 😍👏 Are they gonna stay casual? Something about her brooding and reluctance tells me it's not usually her style? Which means, will he eventually settle? Get out of the dangerous hitman-nomad life?

Ooh my goodness, I'm so glad to hear that, friend! You're right. I don't think I full on state it, but "casual" is typically not her style. Also, Russell is Dory's brother, so she doesn't want there to be any weirdness or awkwardness between them if something happened or fell out between the reader and Russell.

She already knows his relationship with Dory is kind of fragile, in that they're still in that "reconnecting" phase. You'll see more of that dynamic and her thoughts in Part 2, but the rest of your questions will most definitely be explored throughout this little series. 😏

And then there's the stories about their respective families. We already know some about Russell's. How is she gonna react if she learns everything? And there's something odd about her private life as well. Can't wait to dive into that bombshell 😂

There's a lot to unpack there, right? There's a great deal that she already knows through Dory, and some things that are going to be revealed along the way...

Zep, my sweet genius Alex, you've outdone yourself once again. Bravo!!! 👏👏👏

You make me blush!! Thank you so much. 😭🥰 If you like this chapter, then I think you're going to enjoy the rest of the series. I hope it's as fun for you to read as it was for me to write!! 💕💕

A Line and a Half

Pairing: Russell Shaw x F. Reader

Summary: When Dory’s eldest brother comes to visit her at Wyoming University, you don’t know quite what to make of Russell Shaw. But he knows exactly what he wants to make of you.

AN: Okay, here’s my first toe-dip into the world of Tracker with Russell Shaw! 1x12 gave me too many ideas not to explore this intriguing character. This is set before episode 12, but I have a little series I want to sketch out that will continue after this one-shot, so think of this as a “Part 1,” if you will. 😉

Word Count: 3.2K

Tags/Warnings: A kind of “meet cute,” attempts at flirting, and hints of setup for more to come…

You watched, silently simmering, as Dr. Goldstein added yet another packet of internship applications from his graduate students onto your desk.

Applicants that he, as the History Department Chairman, was supposed to review himself. Instead, he’d been adding these hours quite literally onto your desk. 

“If you could review these for me as well, sweetheart. Thank you,” he said. “Get ‘em back to me by Thursday, okay?”

As a Professor of History with two doctorates in your name, you once again grated internally at sweetheart, but you tried to keep that cringe off your face as well.

Goldstein barely even met your eyes when he dropped off his burden, and then aimed to leave your office.

“Uh, Paul,” you called out, raising a finger. You stood from your desk as quickly as you could in your pencil skirt, but the man was already out the door. You followed him out, your heels clacking on the tile floor. 

Damn it. Knew I should’ve gone with pants, you said, continuing to hasten after your boss.

“Paul! Just a second,” you said. That finally managed to turn the man’s head off of his phone. He glanced at you while checking his watch.

“About the internship applications…and your midterm exam essays for that matter. Don’t you think—” you started to say, but the man spoke over you.

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to run. Meeting my massage therapist at noon,” he said, and rolled a seemingly stiff shoulder under his tailored blazer. “Something’s just not right here after my trip to Cali last weekend. I don’t know what I did, pulled muscle or something. But hey, they do say parasailing is a sport.”

You quirked a brow. “Do they?”

You weren’t sure that being strapped into a parachute for a nice air glide over the Pacific counted as a sport.

Goldstein shrugged at your question and he kept walking down the hall. Though he turned back to toss you a pointed finger.

“Need those by Thursday. Thanks, you’re the best,” he said.

You watched him go, as proverbial steam began to escape through your ears. Slowly you pivoted on your heels, and you went back to your office. You grimaced at the large stack of applications. You were pretty sure he padded them with an extra section of midterm exams.

Tapping your nails on your desk, you grabbed your phone next to your desktop and checked the time. 11:30 a.m.

Screw it. I’m going to lunch, you thought.

Dory had to be out of her Intro Physics class by now, which meant she’d be in her office, ready for you to drop in on her a little early. You took up your purse and almost made it out the door…but at the last moment, your anal brain made you turn back to grab a shoulder bag and the pile of applications. Maybe you could knock out a few during lunch.

Friggin’ doormat, as your brother would say. Laughing at you, probably.

You rolled your eyes and headed back out the door with your haul of papers, purse, work bag, and keys, locking your office behind you.

Why, oh why did the Sciences building have to be on the other side of campus?

It was damn near a mile walk from your Humanities building over to Dory’s office on the second floor. Your hands were laden with packets that couldn’t be contained by your heavy work bag, your purse was slipping off your shoulder, and these heels were killing your feet.

It was a miracle you and Dory had ever met on this campus. On your first day of teaching, you’d of course been hopelessly lost. Somehow you ended up at the tail-end of one of her classes in one of the science auditoriums.

She’d been gracious enough to help you, and even walked you all the way to the Humanities building so you could find your World History class before the students decided to just get up and leave. (And after fifteen minutes, they very well would.)

That day, she became your first real friend at Wyoming University. In the three years since, she’d become your best friend.

And now, her door was mercifully open halfway. You pushed it open and stumbled just a little from the transition of tile to carpet inside her office. Your papers nearly flew from your hands, so you struggled to right yourself and contain them all back into the semblance of neatness.

“Hey, girl. You better be ready for lunch because Jesus fucking Christ. Goldstein’s up my ass again and all I’ve had today is a crusty donut from the teacher’s lounge, which I’m pretty sure was stale,” you said, with your brows furrowed in frustration.

When you finally looked up from your struggles, you realized that Dory wasn’t alone. She smiled at you in amusement, sitting at her desk beside a man who made you pause. Your eyes widened.

He was leaning casually with an elbow propped up on her desk, dressed in jeans and a worn, pale green jacket—a good match for his eyes. He looked a little rugged for Dory’s tastes, but you couldn’t fault her, with the cut of that bearded jaw, and the smile raising the corners of his lips.

“Hey,” Dory laughed. “I see you’re having a good day.”

You bit your lip in embarrassment, probably smudging your lipstick.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve knocked first,” you said, though you could see she seemed to be having an actual good day. Office picnic? Or maybe the handsome stranger was getting ready to take her out.

Dory just waved you in. She stood and set a hand on her companion’s shoulder, and he got up along with her.

“It’s okay. This is my brother, Russell,” she said, and she introduced you in kind.

“Well, hi there,” he said. He subtly took you in with his eyes as he held out his hand. Already you felt your face heating up with more than just embarrassment.

You were a bit shocked as well, to say the least. Dory had told you some…interesting things about her family, including the fact that she had two older brothers. You wondered which one this was, the middle child, or the eldest.

“Hi! Sorry. Again. Nice to meet you,” you said. You tried to hold your hand out to reach his, but a few papers began to spill out. You clutched at them on reflex, but Russell drew in quickly to help you.

“Got yourself a load there,” he said. You agreed with an awkward laugh and a shrug of your shoulders.

“My boss’s idea of extra credit,” you said wryly.

“You can set it down on that chair over there,” Dory said, pointing to one against the back wall, next to a tall filing cabinet.

You and Russell meandered over and managed to set down the stack without casualty. You were able to pull up the straps of your bag and your purse from falling off your shoulder and give him a grateful look.

“Thanks,” you said.

“No problem,” he said, giving you an easy smile back. “I actually crashed in unannounced, so if you two wanna to head to lunch, you go right ahead.”

“Uh, no. I haven’t seen you in months! You should come with us,” Dory said. She grabbed her purse to join you and Russell by the door.

You raised your hands in placation. “Oh, I wouldn’t want to intrude, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve seen each other. You guys should catch up.”

Dory shook her head and grabbed your hand.

“Uh, uh. I want to hear the latest on Paul’s bullshit, and why you’re carrying half your office across campus. Let’s go,” she said, and gestured at your work bag. “Leave that here. You’re gonna eat and talk to me. No working involved.”

You laughed, but you agreed to her cajoling. With another glance at her brother, and those green eyes that seemed to be dancing, you joined them for lunch.

The three of you ended up at a diner that you and Dory frequented at least once a week. The food was good, the service was quick, and it was close to campus. Wins all around. Russell seemed to be enjoying himself, as he hummed in delight after the very first bite of his Philly cheesesteak.

“Sriracha on fries, huh?” you remarked, gesturing at the man’s plate. Your brow was quirked, but he shot you a smile.

“I said avert your eyes,” he teased. “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, sweetheart.”

Ugh. Another sweethearting man. You narrowed your own eyes at him a bit. He caught the look and raised a hand in defense (the one that wasn’t holding his cheesesteak).

“Uh oh. What’d I do?” he asked.

“You gave her some PTSD,” Dory said with a laugh. “Dr. Goldstein likes to sugar coat his demands with sexism.”

Russell noted your souring look with apology. You’d just finished recounting your morning for your friend, and recapping years of “sugar-coated demands” for Russell.

“Why don’t you just tell him to cram it up his…uh…” he paused. Seeing his little sister’s look of amusement, he amended. “Or you know, stuff it.”

A smile twitched at your lips. “Oh, believe me, I’d love to tell him to stuff it. But he’s technically my boss, and the department chair. Even though I’ve basically been doing his job for two years now.”

“Well, that sucks,” Russell said. “And I feel for ya. I’ve had my share of shitty bosses in my time.”

You sighed and accepted his commiseration with a nod.

It wasn’t fair, but Goldstein planned to retire early in a few years. Must be nice.

When he did, it would make you the most likely candidate to replace him as department chair. The way you saw it, this was giving you plenty of practice before you (hopefully) inherited the position.

Anyway, you shook your head. You didn’t want to talk about it anymore. You were more curious about one Russell Shaw. You now knew he was an army vet, and he carried himself like one. Calm, controlled, even though his smiles came easy. His tousled hair and beard, while well-trimmed and neat, still gave him a roguish quality.

“So let me guess. You’re…the eldest?” you asked. You blotted at your mouth with a napkin, having finished your chicken panini.

Russell treated you to another one of those smiles, though this one held a hint of more.

“Guilty. Though I’m the handsome one,” he said with a wink.

You found yourself smiling behind your napkin.

“I’m sure,” you replied.

Dory rolled her eyes. “Don’t mind him. Apparently my brother’s an incorrigible flirt.”

He chuckled and sipped at his beer, but then he grimaced.

“Ech. Friggin’ weak,” he said. “I brew better than this outta the trunk of my car.”

 You raised a brow at that. “You make your own beer?”

“Damn straight,” he said. His gaze turned a hint more playful. “Next time I’ll bring you some. You can tell me what you think.”

You shared a telling look with Dory.

“Next time, huh?” you asked.

“Sure,” he inclined his head. “I pop into town from time to time. Gotta check in and pester my little sister, the physics professor.” 

He laid a hand on Dory’s shoulder, squeezing warmly. You could see the pride in his eyes, and it warmed you as well.

She turned to him with a smile, reaching up to cover his hand with hers.

“You don’t pester me. I’d love it if I got to see you more often,” she said.

“Ah, I know, I’m sorry,” he said, releasing her. “My job’s got me all over the place. But I’ll be here for a week or so on this gig.”

That intrigued you. “What do you do for work?”

“Ah, well, you could say I'm a contractor. Private security mainly,” said Russell. His shoulders shifted as he became a little more guarded, you noticed. “My company connects me with the client for as long as the job lasts. Could be a few months, sometimes a few days, depending.”

“Oh, wow. Do you live here in Wyoming?” you asked. He paused, but tilted his head a little, back and forth as he considered your question.

“I kinda bounce around,” he said. “Just go from one job to the next. Sounds a bit unorthodox, I know, but it’s a living.”

“Interesting,” you nodded, but inside, you thought that sounded like a hard way to live.

Unstable…and lonely. 

“You know, it’s amazing how much you and Colter have in common,” Dory said. She folded her hands on the table and met her brother with a pointed look.

He huffed in response, though he glanced at you, then back at his sister. As if he was saying, You really want to do this now?

Dory had told you before that Colter was a “rewardist,” or some kind of bounty hunter. The nature of his work kept him busy, and seemingly too busy for his sister. But you also sensed there was an edgier history here.

For the first time, you felt like you were intruding in a moment between brother and sister that went beyond words.

After a moment, Russell shook his head.

“Look, I tried with him, all right? He won’t talk to me,” he said. He went back to eating, polishing off his fries. He offered you one that was half-smothered in sriracha.

“Come on. Live on the edge with me,” he teased.

You eyed the sauce-covered fry in distaste, but after glancing up at his more playful smile, you accepted his offer. You chewed in contemplation, and found that the tangy hint of kick wasn’t so bad. 

“Eh? Eeeh? Delicious, am I right?” he said, his hands going wide.

You rolled your eyes, but you nodded in agreement.

“It’s all right,” you replied.

“Yes!” Russell’s hands swept up higher, like he was celebrating a touchdown. "See, I told ya."

You couldn’t help but laugh. Dory shook her head fondly and gave him a clean napkin for the bit of schmutz she spotted at the corner of his mouth.

“Here, wipe your sriracha face.”

“You really don’t have to,” you said, as Russell helped you gather your stack of papers and slung your work bag over his shoulder.

“No, no. I’m a bonafide gentleman. Ain’t that right, D?” he asked his sister. She barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes again, but she did give you a knowing smile.

“Oh, his intentions are pure,” she said.

 And by that, you both understood her meaning. His intentions couldn’t be any clearer than a mallet over the head, but you kind of found it endearing.

This man really carried your stuff from the Sciences building across the entire campus to your office. All the while, he asked you about how you and Dory met, the kinds of things you two did together, and if you thought she was happy working here.

You had a feeling he was trying to learn more about his sister’s life. On one hand, it was rather sweet. On the other, it made you realize that there was distance in this family, both literal and figurative. You were glad to hear that Russell, at least, was trying to bridge that gap with his sister. Dory deserved to have more of that in her life.

As you explained to Russell while you led him down the hall to your office, your friendship with her had just…clicked. From the very beginning.

“Dory, you know. She’s more than kind,” you said. “She’s a real one. I can rely on her, even when I can’t rely on my own family.”

Russell hummed at that. “That sounds like a story.”

“Yeah,” you said, glancing away for a moment. You smiled and met his gaze once more. “Maybe one for another time.”

“So you’re on board with a ‘next time.’ Good to know,” Russell remarked. Your smile deepened.

It was good timing when you two finally reached your office. You unlocked it and let him inside, so he could set down your bag, and the god-forsaken stack of internship applications back onto your desk. You’d probably be stuck here working late on those.

“Well, thank you so much. You really didn’t have to schlep for me,” you said.

When you turned, Russell was a bit close. Not uncomfortably so, but enough to make a trill of something zip up your spine. You smelled more intensely his cologne, woodsy and warm. Looking up at him, you once again found his smile.

“It’s no problem,” he said, but his eyes met yours for a moment, as if he lost his train of thought.

“What?” you asked, a bit nervous.

“Anybody ever tell you, you got soulful eyes?” he asked.

It took your brain a second or two to compute, but when his words registered, you had to laugh. You held it behind your hand, while the other went to steady yourself on your desk.

 “Well, that’s a line if I’ve ever heard one,” you said, shading your “soulful” eyes with a hand.

You didn’t know it, but Russell’s face warmed in slight embarrassment. He recovered though, taking in your pretty laugh, and the shade of your hair, let loose around your shoulders, and yes, your eyes, when you let him see them again.

If he hadn’t known before, now he was convinced.

He wanted to see more of you before he left town.

“Hey, now that was 100% genuine,” Russell said, but his grin spoke volumes. When your mirth died down, he scratched the back of his head.

“Okay, cards on the table. Would you be interested in grabbing a drink with me sometime?” he asked.

You took in a breath at that. You actually did consider his offer, because homebrew and sriracha fries be damned, there was something more to him. It was lying in wait, behind those eyes that were drawing you in.

However, this was also a man whose job basically made him a nomad. It didn’t exactly scream relationship material.

Which only left the alternative: something…casual.

You just didn’t know if that alternative was such a good idea. Not with your best friend’s brother.

“Just a drink. No frills, no more grilling you about my sister,” Russell said, breaking you from your deliberation. He gestured a hand between the two of you. “Just this. You and me.”

Eventually, you sighed. Your lips raised into a more genuine smile.

“Sometime, huh?” you asked.

He smiled back. “Tonight?”

You hesitated, but despite your better judgment, you nodded before you could change your mind. You still weren’t sure what to make of this guy, but you were willing to find out.

“Sure,” you said. “Howley’s at eight?”

“Well, all right,” Russell said.

He surprised you by sweeping up your hand into his. You looked up at him, curious, but not wary. Anticipation tingled down your spine.

He pressed his lips to the back of your hand. Soft shock made your eyes widen as you blushed, feeling the subtle graze of his beard against your skin.

Who is this guy, Cary Grant? you thought.

But when he pulled away, you had to remind yourself to breathe. Again, you caught sight of his cheeky grin.   

“See you tonight,” he said.

AN: He is beauty he is grace, he is Mr. Sriracha Face. 😆

Let me know if you guys liked this! 💜 It's my first time writing a character based solely on one episode, but next up is a series that will continue this one-shot. It's called Every Second Counts.

Next Time in Part 1:

“Are you absolutely sure?” you asked, with your hands on your hips. 

You wanted no miscommunication here, no read-between-the-lines mishaps, no subtext or nuance to bite you in the ass later. So here you stood in the middle of your best friend’s office, still on the Wyoming University campus after your last class.

Dory had to laugh at you. She pushed away from her desk and threw her hands up.

“Yes, for the love of God, you can grab a drink with my brother,” she said.

▶️ Keep Reading: Part 1

Ko-Fi Me ☕

Russell Shaw Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Russell S. Tag List:

@kazsrm67 @letheatheodore @agothwithheavysetmakeup @jacklesbrainworms @foxyjwls007

@wincastifer @ades106 @iamsapphine @simpforbuckyb @roseblue373

@brianochka @branj19 @hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog @globetrotter28 @charmed-asylum

@waywardxwords @deanwinchestersgirl87 @this-is-me19 @rachiem4-blog @sweettimelady

@leigh70 @clinicallydepresso @xiphoidbones @skoveu @nyotamalfoy

@kmc1989 @jackles010378 @emily-winchester @waynes-multiverse @jessjad

@my-stories-vault @deans-spinster-witch @syrma-sensei @stellasfictionalworld @ultimatecin73

@jesllianaquilesrolonsworld @pieandmonsters @lhymer1995 @taehyungxjungkookistaekook @lovelystoriesaj

@nicksalchemy1 @spnwoman @onlyangel-444 @sexyvixen7 @illicithallways

@wolkenprinzessin007 @alwaystiredandconfused @carpenterswife @cheynovak @grilledcheeseandtomato

[magicalara]

So...2022 huh

It's time for Em's yearly letter to the blog where I talk about it since the new year's coming in about an hour and a half in my timezone. Prefacing this with a tw for talks of depression, anxiety, horrible friends, and no proof reading. Here is my word vomit and if you don't get to the end, happy new year everyone.

So 2022 was one of, if not the, worst year in my 19 years of living. It started off with the pressure of a class which if I didn't pass, would essentially mean I couldn't go to college, and is ending with me having to walk on eggshells around people and feeling just...so anxious and depressed. Before I get into that, however, in order to save the people I want to specifically call out from having to hear about my depressing word vomit, I'm gonna mention them first.

So I can't make a new year's post without tagging my girl @pinktea99 who has been around for what feels like ever. I think it'll actually be two years of our friendship early next year I don't remember for sure, it might be three...time is fake it doesn't matter anyways. Between the amazing fanfictions you used to make that I still go back to every now and then and now just tagging me in posts you think I'd like, Mo you've been the biggest supporter I've had since I practically started posting real shit on this hellsite and I could not be more grateful. You're on of my biggest inspirations and I love and adore you so much. Let's go into 2023 with just as much happiness as you've given me in 2022 and even more. I love you so much, my dear 💜💚

Next up (and honestly the only other person I have to tag oops 💀) @docmartensanddietcoke my beloved. We've only been friends for a few months now but hot damn do I feel like we've known each other for years. We clicked so quickly and it kinda scared me at first but in such a good way??? Idk but you're amazing and so sweet and passionate and I just love talking to you so much. You've made me so excited about writing again after so long of being stuck in an endless loop of writer's block and just general insecurity that led to me not posting. I'm so happy I met you and I can't wait to see what 2023 brings us. Much love to you and thank you for showing me the pleasures (nudge nudge wink wink) of the pairing that is William T Spears and Mey-Rin 💜♥️💜

Okay so now the other stuff lol. So if you're one of the 20-30 some-odd people who started following me from seeing all the black butler bullshit I post, you wouldn't know but I used to be a kpop blog. I'm like 99% certain that I privated/deleted all of those posts though so yk hopefully y'all don't see that. I still reblog my nct loves because they are my ult group and I love them very much but I used to like only post about kpop. I had to switch because I just wasn't happy with it anymore. I had always envisioned myself as having a blog full of things I loved but after coming back from a break where I saw the fandoms I loved to interact with having gone to shit, I couldn't do it anymore. So I got rid of it all and rebranded 😃 It was honestly a really good decision though and I'm glad I did it because it reminded me of the reasons I started a tumblr account in the first place: to be happy.

For as creepy as certain sides of the black butler fandom may be, I've never felt so supported. Y'all are amazing and I still can't believe any of my posts got passed 50 notes let alone my top three all being just shy of or completely pass 100. All of the interaction is so appreciated and I can't wait to interact with you all more in the new year <33

With the good, though, comes the bad. So much of the last half of my senior year was full on unnecessary bullshit and drama and breakdowns. From the feeling of being stabbed in the back by people I thought I could trust, to being almost taken advantage of in my first wlw relationship, it just was not a great time. This really sucked, though, because my greatest hope was for my senior year in high school to be something worth remembering as I wasn't able to do anything the previous two years since covid put a downer on all of that. But whatever, I graduated and kept the people I wanted to and dropped those I didn't. It's still a work in progress in dropping some of those people, but in getting there lol

I got my first job, which I still have now, and I love working there. There are better days and worse days (I work in public service so there are always those karen's who will come in) but I love the people I work with and am glad that I decided to take the offer to work there when I did. I have some good memories there that definitely are core memories

I can't do this without mentioning the passing of Technoblade. If you didn't know who he was, Technoblade was a minecraft youtuber and streamer who helped so many people with his amazing and funny videos and his stories that he created on the Dream SMP. He unfortunately passed in June this year due to cancer. When I watched the video his dad made announcing it, the world went silent. I spent that whole night and much of the day after crying my eyes out. I couldn't imagine someone who had brought me so much comfort being gone. Hell I'm still not over it, and I don't think I ever will be. Techno was a huge influence, inspiration, and comfort for me and always will be. Fuck cancer.

I had many family problems throughout the year that I won't get into because that's a little more personal than I'd like to get to on such a public place lol. Just know that to all of you who are celebrating alone this year, I feel you, and my heart goes out to you. We aren't alone if we're all together

The one huge positive that I do have to mention is my starting to watch anime. I decided to take the plunge and watch ouran highschool host club because of a cosplay I saw of hikaru and kaoru on tiktok that made me go "oh what the fuck I'll give". I went in not expecting to finish even episode one and came out with new comfort characters and a world I couldn't leave behind. After ouran, I found kuroshitsuji and we'll...here we are lol

On top of the comfort I found in ouran, I found a series that was so much darker but had such good characters that I started to connect with and love. Grelle has been such a huge comfort for me and I can't imagine myself leaving her (or the series) behind at any point for next long while. Seeing such an empowering transgender woman really did it for me and I'm so happy I decided to watch this show and subsequently binge read the manga. I can't wait to see all the kuro content this next year brings

I've lost people this year, I've gained people this year. I've cried so many tears of sadness and absolutely no tears of joy. I've spent way more money than I should on genshin impact and food. Most importantly, I've found a place where I think I can start to build myself up again. Good fucking bye 2022, I'm gonna do my best to make 2023 my bitch and I think that y'all should join me. Thank you all for being here, and I wish you all a happy, healthy new year

If you've made it this far, new chapter of forever forgiveness comes out in two weeks ;)

[musette22]

Minnieeeee, my angel, the light of my life! 💖💖💖💖💖

I am here to wish you the happiest of birthdays, and to tell you how frickin much I love you (though I honestly kinda don’t even have the words for it?? 🥺🥺🥺) 

Your warmth, sweetness and kindness are unparalleled, and you really are the heart of this fandom 🌼🌼🌼💕💕💕 I’m so so so happy I met you on this beloathed hellsite, and I’m so lucky and proud to call you my friend 😭💘 You are an amazing writer, and always so very supportive of everyone, and just a beautiful soul all around. Like I said, I don’t even have the words to express how much you mean to me and to this fandom as a whole, but rest assured that all our lives are so much better with you in them! 

I’m so glad you got to spend yesterday with your loved ones, and hope that today is equally amazing, since you only deserve the absolute best, every single day of your brilliant existence 💖💖💖

KAY 🥺🥺🥺 My love, my sweets, my darling!!! I adore you so much, it's a little ridiculous, actually 🥺💘 ALSO THAT PIC. IT'S SO CUTE. That's me right now, basking in your love and giving you a look of unbridled adoration 💖💖💖 Thank you so, so much for your super super kind words, my lovely. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support and enthusiasm and kindness, not to mention your incredible writing, and this fandom and I are so lucky that you bless us with your wonderful presence every single day <3333

I'm so happy to know you, and so grateful for your friendship 💕💕 Plus, you really saved my life a little when you agreed to beta my latest fic, and I couldn't have done it in time without you, so for that, I'm incredibly, eternally grateful too!!!!! 🙏🏻 Love you bunches and bunches, you literal dream of a person! 😘🌻

[tolerateit]

I hope you're asleep when I send this in but congrats for the 1k!! I'm a bit late since I've kinda been off Tumblr lately 😂 anyways how about a 🌻and a 🍓 since Idek what url edit is 😂😂😂

😂 😂 It's like a gif/graphic based on your url, so I'm glad you opted for a moodboard bc I had no idea what to gif based on yours lol, I'll post it on @angel-spidey though bc I wanna include Tom in your moodboard 👁👄👁

We go way back and I still can’t imagine how different things would be if you hadn't sent me that ask about Red and icecreams six months back, and I'm incredibly grateful that you did! You've been immensely supportive and like a sister to me (suck it, big sis Prof) and I can tell you anything with no fear of judgement, so thank you for that. I appreciate the loving, kind bean that you are and will forever appreciate the iconic 🍦 Anon who honestly made my experience on this hellsite a thousand times better <3 love you, please keep being your beautiful, wonderful self 😘

[modesty-blaise]

Since I'm curious, what caused you to become very possessive of your gifs? Not out of rudeness but curious, since no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr which automatically credits you at the bottom of the gif.

Hey. Tbh, at first I didn’t wanna bother with yet another anon but since I see no ill intent behind this, I decided to go and answer it. Unfortunately, half-way through I realised my reply is turning into incredibly long semi-bitter rant and expands well beyond calling out just one person in Psychonauts fandom (and yes, this is related to Psychonauts fandom – you do know that these anons are not really that anonymous, right?) so… buckle up! All that beneath “read more”.

I’ve been on this hellsite for like…7-8 years? Maybe more? Can’t really tell cause I moved blogs and my old blog now consists of only 4 posts I’ve made close to leaving so I honestly have no idea how much time I’ve spend here before moving. Anyway, during those few years I’ve spent on my first blog I’ve met a lot of creative gifmakers who enjoyed sharing their love for fandoms they were in. I’d like to point out that this was waaaaay before tumblr created that insert-gif option so, back in the day, the only way to add gifs to your post was to: 1. make them yourself 2. take them from someone else. And a lot of people were taking them from someone else which resulted in many gifmakers giving up on making gifs and leaving fandoms and/or even leaving tumblr – and I’ve had many of my friends give up on what they love and have their games/shows/movies/whatnot ruined for them cause people would not stop stealing from them. And many of my friends eventually left tumblr cause they couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Tumblr adding insert-gif option, in my opinion, honestly, just made it worse for gifmakers. Cause now people had the opportunity to use gifs for their posts, with or without creators’ permission/knowledge, but it was alright and it was perfectly fine cause creators were credited. There’s their name at the bottom. It’s alright. Like… it doesn’t matter if they’re actually okay with people using something they’ve put hours into making or if they’re not – tumblr gives them credit so they SHOULD be okay with it. Simple as that.

Well, we’re all different and some people are not okay with that. I’m not okay with that. It took me weeks to figure out how to use photoshop correctly. Took me countless hours of looking through different tutorials and basically trial-and-error-ing my way through the process. Whenever I make gifs, it takes me hours to record videos and then hours trying to achieve that 3mb limit on gifs (thank lord these days we’re beyond 1mb limit). After all that effort I put into creating gifs for games that I love and enjoy, someone is going to make 2 clicks and have that same gif added to their post, without even asking. So how is that okay?

Back to your question. Yes, “no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr”, that is true and that is something I was aware of when I saw you-know-who announcing they would be starting 30 days Psychonauts challenge. So, hating to see my gifs used against my will, and not wanting to start any unnecessary drama and threaten people in advance with reporting them if they do use them, I’ve made my blog as private as I could. It was only accessible through the dashboard, it was not showing in ANY search engines inside and outside tumblr, and my gifs were impossible to find through insert-gif function – I’ve made sure. I did all that cause I just knew that during those 30 days, someone would use my gifs and I would get mad and I desperately wanted to avoid that (hence going extreme). And you know what happened? You know what creator of this challenge (who prevously already reposted my gifs) did? *drums* They used my shit anyway. :3 They just uploaded it from their computer, where they’ve saved it earlier.

And like… a lot of people see pretty pic and decide to save it - I mean, we all do that. Heck, even I have a folder full of shit I saw online and liked it – but i’m not uploading it online cause I haven’t made it. It’s not mine to share.

But some people are not like that.

Some people see fanart of something they like and they want to share their opinion on it – and instead of making their own post, maybe drawing the fanart themselves, they decide to use someone else’s art for their post. Do they know who made it? Do they have creator’s permission to share it? If the answer is NO, then they should be a decent human being and not do that to creators. Oh, they shared it anyway but now people in fandom are calling them out BUT this actually happened on accident? They know who the creator is but, somehow, they accidentally forgot to credit them? OK, well, it’s possible, shit happens, but they better make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then sometime later these same people decide they want to make a post appreciating their fav character and they want to include pics cause duh, you can’t have character appreciation post without pics, right? Now they have several options: they can get their own screenshots, make their own gifs, maybe draw something… or they can just take someone else’s creation. Do they know who made it? Well there’s my fuckin name on it, and since they’ve stretched it from 245 to 500px, it’s really hard to miss, plus it’s not like there are that many people making Psychonauts gifs. Do they have permission to share it? Hmmm, nope, didn’t ask me. Is this also an accident? Could be. I mean, I’ve seen stranger things happen, so accidentally forgetting to credit content creators twice… kinda suspicious but still possible. Who am I to say?

Now if these people then decide to make a post appreciating their fav ship and they want to add a cute pic of the loving couple – yup, you guessed it! They can either create something or take something. Again: they know who did? They asked for permission? Got the permission? No?!?! But they posted it anyway?!?! :o Could it really be, that after being called out publicly, after being told that reposting is bad (something that’s very easy to understand), after even having tumblr staff intervene and remove stolen shit from their blog, after all that - could it really still be an accident?

Nah, man.

They just don’t give a shit.

Cause if they did, they’d stop with that crap first time they were called out.

(and if you think Psychonauts fandom is their only fandom and that they’re not doing this crap in other fandoms too - hoooo, boy, do I have some bad news for you! Do you know how many stolen and butchered HP fanart is on their blog? Hobbit stuff? They seem to be one of the most accident-prone users on tumblr. And honestly - it’s a real miracle their blog’s not been terminated.)

Back to what I was talking about - I’m not okay with people using my gifs and I’ve made it very clear. I literally do not give a shit if I’m credited or not, I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want my gifs used without my permission. If you like them and want them on your blog, there’s a fuckin reblog button. It’s sole purpose is to allow you to share other people’s creations. Or shitposts, cause lord knows we all love those.

So that’s why when someone spends hours going through my Psychonauts tag and goes as far as to send me “I love your gifs” anonymous message, but the very next day makes stim moodboard post including one of my gifs, now cut and resized to fit 3x3 format they’re going with, I get mad. And that’s why when someone uses one of my gifs to promote their RP blog, butchering it to fit their aesthetics, and later when confronted going as far as blaming their good friend on it cause god! they’ve had no idea it wasn’t theirs, I get mad. (makes you wonder though: if they friend has such skills, why not making them gifs themselves?)

Like…. I’ve had my gifs stolen plenty of times. I’ve had them stolen for roleplaying, for headers, for imagines, just for notes… I’ve had them stolen by people claiming to run official fan sites (that’s a real wild story but I won’t get into that now)… I’ve seen them on pinterest, weheartit, FB, all those random gif sites… and I’ve seen EVERY. POSSIBLE. EXCUSE. ranging from: “well i found it on google so why should i credit you” “lol dunno who made this but its pretty so im posting it” “ive had it on my computer for years so i don’t remember where i got it from” “i dont know how to make gifs so im using weheartit as a source” “credit to whoever made this” (that’s my fav) to “its just a gif so who gives a shit” (it’s not – it’s hours of creator’s time and lots of love that you’re now shitting on so thanks) and “i have an /illness/ and getting notes makes me feel better so dont u dare blame me for stealing” (I don’t remember exact excuse but it was something along those lines and like… how do you even respond to something that without looking like an asshole?).

And sometimes it really is just an accident. Sometimes people really do forget to credit you and/or ask you for permission. And I’ve had my fair share of those accidents. People in Psychonauts fandom have been using my gifs for various crap but, when approached, they’ve removed it and apologised. And it’s something I really appreciate. (if they actually bother reading this and they recognise themselves: i’m really grateful and thank you for not being an ass)

But you know what I don’t appreciate? People making a call out posts about me, asking about my gifs when they know very well they’re the main reasons why I’m not making those gifs anymore, at the same time failing to address any of the issues I have with them and instead rather explaining to others what happened BUT explaining only the parts that make me look like a villain cause how I even dare be mad about them stealing? How I even dare call them out on it? That is so ridiculous and criminal of me, and it’s so so sooooo bad that they need to call me out. I deserve to be called out by the very same person who’s been stealing my shit.

And their explanation is…well… it’s something.

They were sympathetic and polite? When did this happen? Did I completely missed that part? Please someone fuckin enlighten me with such post/message where they expressed their sympathy and politeness and I’ll apologise right this second.

I told them to “literally fuck off”? Yeah, that did happen, I admit that. Did they bother explaining why I told them to fuck off in the first place? Did they say they were caught stealing from me and had tumblr stuff remove my shit from their blog? Did they get into details of how they demanded the proof of my so very wild and obviously false claims but then when I showed it, they just deleted that “how dare u call me out cause I would never do such thing” post? No, they didn’t and geee, I really wonder why.

Instead, what did they choose to address? Out of all the things I’ve said. Hm? What did they choose? Me telling them to fuck off. Me dropping the F-bomb on them, rudely rejecting their obvious kindness and politeness. Nothing else.

Back to what I was talking about before I got derailed again: no, I’m not mad cause this person used my gifs without crediting me. I mean – I am, but that’s not my main issue with them (and they know it). My main issue is that this is someone who will continuously lie and steal and still deny any of it, even when there’s plenty of proof (and you can always count on me to show up with proof tbh), and then go as far as to publicly ask about my gifs and try to call me out. Like me getting mad that something I’ve put hours of work into, and something I’ve made cause I love the game and I want to share my love and appreciation for it, is now being shared against my will and my knowledge - like me getting mad over something like that is so unreasonable that they need to make an entire post about it while pretending they have absolutely no idea why I’m even mad and why we have issues.

And I have every fucking right to be mad. 3 times is not an accident. 2 times to the same person is not an accident. They know it. But yeah, playing stupid is their defense so it’s not like I expected them to actually address their actions this time either.

And you know what? Just because I swear a lot doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean there’s no solid ground for my claims. People on tumblr have always been and always will be stealing shit. Sometimes they will credit you, often they will not, and that’s just how it is, doesn’t matter if you’re okay with it or not. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit quiet and accept someone’s shitty behaviour. Especially when it’s directed at me.

TLDR: giving credit =/= having permission

but my previous posts leading to this ask were not about that

you knew that already

[raynes-musings]

Can I just say you're amazing? You're accommodating and kind and honestly?? You're an angel thank you for making this blog and existing. Do you have RP blogs and stuff or do you just do RPH? ( I'm sorry if that's on a page somewhere! I'm in class I just wanted to ask T.T )

Okay I’ve been starring at this ask on/off since I got it yesterday and honestly, I still don’t have the words to describe how absolutely grateful I am -

Thank you, so damned much, for everything you’ve said here. Honestly, it’s made my week to know that somebody appreciates this blog that much. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a positive presence within the RPC, and I’m so happy to hear that it’s paying off that way.

I’ve seen so many blogs who seem to have.. forgotten, why they started doing this - to help people out, that is - and all I’ve ever hoped for is to be the guy that never forgets that. That shows, in whatever little ways that I can, that I care about each and every person who follows & interacts with my blog. Because I do, and I always will.

If this blog, if my little corner of this community, can make even one of my lovely followers’ days a little brighter? If what I do here brings a smile to any of your faces, then… I’ve done my job; I’ve accomplished what I set out to do here.

Because whether it’s asks like yours, or looking at everyone’s comments in the tags of my musings, or.. anything else? You darlings make me smile, every day, just by being here in my part of this hellsite with me. On some of the hardest days, during some of the worst moments in my weeks - it’s looking back at messages like this, that honestly get me through the day. That give me a reason to carry on ‘til better times. You sweethearts.. you give me a reason to smile, a reason to keep surviving, no matter what life throws my way. A reminder that countless people would notice, would care, if I were gone. A reason to never stop fighting for a brighter future. And I could never thank you all enough for that.

So thank you, so much, lovely. 

As for your question: I do have RP blogs, though my activity is pretty spotty at times. You can find my roleplay ‘hub’ over at @cracked-roleplay — if it’s difficult to navigate that & find my actual RP blogs, feel free to contact me about that.

Outside of that, my personal Tumblr is @cracked-crown. 

[withinthesebones]

even though we don't know each other as well as i would like to i honestly think that you're one of the best writers out there and i absolutely love all the content you create. your characters are so well thought out and put through the ringer only to come out on top and just. you're so freaking talented. i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship and i can't wait to write alongside more of your muses. <3

! please, this is such a compliment and i'm going to hold it close to my heart forever and ever. thank you so much. i can't wait to get to know you better and write alongside more of your muses as well, so grateful to have met you on this hellsite <3