#i'm gonna fucking smash a keyboard over someone's head

[kaisollisto]

smashing the bottle on the floor because what do you mean I have to start over, i'm in rehabilitation for a limb I didn't even lose,

[jalapenobee]

"Are we there yet?"

Hunk uses his shotgun position to pelt him with tiny rocks he collected beforehand, the pebbles aimed straight for Lance's eyes. And mouth. "Oh my God, no, we are not there yet!"

The teen in question smirked mischievously, attempting to duck away from Hunk's attacks (unsuccessfully). He cowered behind Pidge, who was currently enraptured by a video game (which, if he may add, hasn't even come out yet. They probably got it off the black market.) and didn't appreciate the sudden jostling. They shoved Lance back in his seat, earning a wet sock to the face and a press of the power off button on their computer. The sock in turn was flung back at Lance, and The Great Car War V had started. Keith lifted his head off of his fist and shouted up to the driver. "Oi. Can't I drive?"

Shiro shook his head and snickered. "No chance. Last time you drove you got pulled over twice and nearly committed a hit-and-run. I think that says enough. Besides, you took all the M&M's out of the trail mix again when I specifically told you not to."

"I said I was sorry!" He wasn't. And besides, isn't it general code to do something someone else explicitly told you not to?

"Suck it, Keith. I'm just a more experienced driver."

"Oh, so now you wanna admit you're old."

"Okay-"

"Isn't he the youngest? He's like, six," Pidge chirped from the floor of the car. Lance had his foot on top of them and was spamming their blank screen with random keyboard smashes as Hunk started throwing larger rocks. "Leggo of that!"

Shiro, regretfully, took a look in the rear view mirror. "Pidge, put on your fucking seatbelt or so help me God-"

Hunk snickered. "Oooh, you're in trouble, Pidgeon."

"You wanna switch spots with Keith?"

"..." Hunk sighed and slumped back in his chair after throwing one last rock at Pidge (he'd love to keep going, but being in the front means he can harm and not be harmed. That's not something to give up.)

"Ow! Shiro, make Pidge stop biting me!"

It was gonna be a long ride.

Two hours later, Pidge was sleeping and Lance was…well, not looking at Keith. Who, in question, was looking out the window. Lance prided himself on being in the middle; he was just out of reach of the sun's grasp while Keith was its indifferent victim. It was the perfect place to take a nap without waking up to a burning smell that you'd quickly realize was you.

Or maybe not indifferent. Lance didn't watch as Keith bent down to rummage through his duffel bag to pull out a small hairband. He definitely didn't watch as Keith tied up his hair, and absolutely didn't notice how…y'know what, maybe Lance should stop thinking about it and focus on his chess game. He was losing to AI, by the way. Completely Keith's fault.

He also didn't gawk at Keith's exposed neck, and didn't take note of how he looked so much more…uh, OLD. Yeah, not mature or handsome or anything. Just plain old. The thin sheen of sweat on Keith's forehead that should've been gross was still gross. It didn't make Keith look like a shining angel or whatever.

Later, Lance would tease him for it. For now…a nap would suffice. He shifted so that his back was to Keith and started to doze off. Hunk was the one driving now, and he took a sharp left onto the highway, causing everyone to slide to the right.

Lance fell asleep soon after, slightly pissed at himself for not moving off of Keith's shoulder.

[vtforpedro]

I'm feeling really low. I would give my love to someone again if I were given the choice even knowing this is where it leads because it was the right thing to do, but it sucks right now. I'd mostly made peace with this until I was reminded this week that I'm chronically the lesser friend, the least important one, the one not worth treating well. It makes me sad. But I'm proud of myself for the love I gave even though it was spit in my face in the end :') Anyway. Longtime friendship ending is shitty, especially when you share a fucking discord server. Life: Moving sucks. Half my apartment is packed and at my mom's house. I'll be there in less than a month and I just have to hope that I can hang on to something. I have to hope Lilly will be ok. But it's not a great feeling. Disability claim and case? Who fucking knows. My psychiatrist of like seven years dropped me unexpectedly on Monday and the practice lied to me twice about why, so that was kind of awful lmao got an appt set with a new one and can only hope he keeps me on the same meds haha :') Heart is better. Brain is the same. But my neurologist? The dude who so thoroughly ruined my life? He is fucking leaving the hospital and I AM FREE. I never have to see this man's face again. I'm done with him. It's over. I wish his future patients well. I'm tired. I feel defeated by life and I kinda want to give up. I'd been feeling a lot better that way but now it's not so great. I'm tired of chronic pain that is starting to range in the moderate-severe end from like. my head to my toes. I'm tired of my life continually falling apart every couple of weeks in some way or another lmao I'm tired of men and I'm tired of the idea of ever trying to make friends again. If I'm not used as an emotional dumping ground, I'm a friend of convenience or 'help.' If the most someone can do when I share something about my life is keyboard smash or say one word before launching into a huge tale of their life and expecting me to respond, I'm just gonna drop them. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm a human being, too. I have thoughts and feelings too 🙃 please stop doing this to people. I'm tired of having to be the monster in someone's story because I put boundaries down and step back for my own sanity and mental well being. It just sucks, man. Genuinely believe life is never going to get better at this point. I'm tired of the smallest wins getting overshadowed by larger losses. Anyway, sorry for such a gloomy post. I'm exhausted and I never know what to do anymore. Thank you for your love and support. I truly feel it, but I don't know what to say back except thank you. Love you all. Be kind and take care of yourselves.

[dulcetash]

9-1-1 Newbie Binge: Thoughts and THOTs

Preamble Ramble: Why is it so hard to jump on mutuals' fan-wagons even as I'm pining for them to jump on mine? I know I'm not the only one who experiences this phenomenon. What is this Imp of the Perverse, and why is he such a recalcitrant little shit? I DON'T KNOW. HE THINKS HE'S FUNNY, BUT HE'S A COCKBLOCKER.

Anyway! After 2 years of skimming gifs and keyboard smashes about Station 118, I found myself some time this weekend to dive in. I had some vague expectations of pretty firefighters who eye-fuck each other, Angela Bassett being Queen of Everything (naturally), Casey from Sports Night having time-warped into a dorky DILF, and apparently JLoHew is being allowed to age like a normal human woman? How goddamn refreshing. Okay, let's check it out.

I'm 8 episodes in so far, and holy shit:

Stream of consciousness impressions so far:

Oh, this is Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuck, I had no idea! I have watched so much American Horror Story. Oh, that's the Angela Bassett connection, and - sonofabitch - there's Connie Britton, OF COURSE. And then Frances Conroy is an AHS regular, and she starred in Six Feet Under with Peter Krause, OOOooo-kay, I see the shape this is taking.

Reader, I did not see the shape this was taking. Murphy and Falchuck were also the show runners for Pose, which while fabulous and fun, also displayed heartfelt dignity and thoughtful sensitivity to various social issues, with a gritty touch of realism amongst the madcap adventures and pageantry. I figured this might be the same.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?" "I hear crying in the walls."

Normal Show: Oh dear, a kitten got trapped in a vent somewhere.

9-1-1: Clearly, someone flushed a premature baby down the toilet.

NO, REALLY. I thought this was a batshit theory for questionable comedic effect that would be scoffed at as the kitten was dug out of the insulation. They tried to tell me with a straight face that the bones would be soft enough to slither through the u-bend, the baby would have survived the flush, and it would have enough lung capacity for a stoner to hear it though iron pipe and purple haze. And nobody in the entire apartment building has tried to flush in the last hour. I was not buying this for a second.

And MORE FOOL ME, because next thing I know, they're crouched around a length of pipe that's crowning like a steampunk industrial vagina from the land of nightmares, breathlessly delivering something straight out of the American Horror Story prop department's S4 leftovers, using the lube from the defibrillator kit (why that last detail sent me so hard I could not say, but my gawd). And "she" LIVED. Of course. Yep, uh-huh. And then absolutely no follow-up on what would happen to the traumatized teen mother and the... dad who raped her? I'm inferring? NOPE, this ain't Criminal Minds, this ain't Law & Order, all plot threads are snipped at the sliding doors to the ER.

(Oh yeah, JLoHew was also in Criminal Minds for awhile, hey girl hey!)

Okay, it's gonna be THAT kind of show. All righty then. I'm oriented. I'm prepared now.

(I was not prepared.)

I thought I was. I was taking nothing seriously. I went with it when Buck chopped the head off a 12 foot python, then comforted its owner with his own trouser snake. I lol'd when his therapist tripped and landed on his dick. I was still cackling over the bouncy house full of rich brats flying off over a cliff in the high Santa Anna winds, when suddenly, this happened RIGHT ON MY TV SCREEN:

THIS. HAPPENED. And the funniest part is, this is the ONLY thing that the character didn't whine about for the entire episode. Is his name... Chimney? Really? Like, that was his name before his skull was vented? LOLLLLLL More AHS props were dug out for the close-up brain surgery, the squelchy sound effects when they pulled the rebar out were DELIGHTFUL, truly, even better than when the fetus was schlorped out of the toilet pipe, well done FX crew, A+++ all around. In a lovely bit of hand-waving, Chimney (*snerrrk*) suffered no pain, no evident psychological trauma, the rebar seems to have reamed out his self-pity, and in a few episodes he returns from his hospital vacay into the welcoming arms of his co-workers, and - just in case we forgot why he'd been gone - there was cake.

KEEP IT CLASSY, Y'ALL

Oh god, what else. The insane plane crash rescue sequences were *chef's kiss*. Athena getting her Fast & Furious on to deliver a kidney transplant was super fun, all Queen Athena assumptions are being fulfilled as expected. The attempted date between Abby and Buck was OHMYGODREALLY lolforever with the tracheostomy, A+ reversal of expectations as to who would be penetrating whom, bitch, you thought. And again, he pops up next episode without even a scar on his throat, and you know what, after cleaning my mother's tracheostomy twice a day for 7 months in 2008? I'LL ALLOW IT. ESCAPIST FANTASY FOR ALL, NO CONSEQUENCES, GIVE IT TO ME, AMEN. Who was the hottie in the wheelchair who talked Abby through it on speakerphone, though? I hope we get more of her.

During the toilet-pipe birth scene in the first episode (no, I'm still not over it), it occurred to me that maybe they wanted to do an Oh My God the Baby's Coming trope, but they didn't want to have to bother with actual vaginas with women attached to them? Episode 1.7 says, louder for those in the back: BITCH, YOU THOUGHT, LULZ. But the best, the absolute crowning achievement of everything I've seen so far (pun definitely intended) was THIS:

YES. MINE EYES DIDST NOT DECEIVE ME. That is Evan Himbeau Buckley cheerfully pulling a 3-foot tapeworm out of a groaning twink's ass. Y'all. I filter MPreg out of my fic searches for a reason.

NO, BUCK, DON'T LICK IT. Although props to how delighted you were to get in there and root around, this bodes well for later. I love that he took an axe to a giant constrictor but is treating this Horror from the Deep with tender loving care.

I'm sorry, y'all, if I had to see it, you have to see it.

*whew* Okay, that's enough for now. I'm all in, though. I'm ready to find out how in the Goddess Athena's name Hen is going to make her fuckery up to Karen (whom I also recognize from a brief stint on Criminal Minds, hey girl, what's up). I think I'm only 2 eps away from the first season finale. I'm braced ready.

(probably not)

[neganmct]

Nice ol' vent and no I don't expect you to read it or leave a message; no pressure. Or drink your tea but I'll probably piss in it.

I've had a lot of fucking stuff happen lately and its randomly built the fuck up as time has gone on. I'm probably gonna start enabling voice so I'm not smashing the shit out of my keyboard. That's embarrassing.

So I've a pretty ugly past and I'm trying my best to do good. I used to scare people pretty badly and I'm trying very hard to be more welcoming and more friendly but I'm still struggling to do that because of reasons. It's kinda throwing on at the minute, ya' know? Being told I'm scary.

I recently fell out with a friend who I had a soft spot for. Nothing massive, nothing huge and we spoke quite a bit. I found out through a few others they had been sharing stuff and saying things. It hurt and they had a few screenshots to prove it. It sucked. I had to fight down the urge about calling them. They also went too far with my friend's name. I didn't realise till after that making fun of her name was sorta racist. I was being soft. I had a dream about them too; it was an oddly comforting dream and in my half awake daze I tried to message them before remembering. "Oh yeah, they did this". Miss them, it's dumb but I do.

I've had eating problems for a long time now and I've come close over the past few weeks to just not eating because I need some sort of control and I don't know why. I'm so used to doing the dark shit that I partly want to drop back into the hole I'm trying to dig my way out of.

I was encouraged by some health professionals to interact with my interests, look at the communities. It was actually great at first. I have made some new friends. One friend is an amazing artist, I love it when he draws. He's drawn me before, he's drawn a very special friend of mine, he's done drawing requests. He's just lovely, he's a little brother figure. I made some other friends too shortly after I learned some hype about Stranger Things.

I've not watched all of Stranger Things! I've only watched Season Four because I relate to a character. Obviously Eddie Munson. I was that alt kid in school. I was a scene kid briefly. That was a weird couple of years. Mostly I was just a metal head, still am a metal head. I got beat up, I got stalked, I got harassed, I got threatened. I got falsely accused of things because I was different. I had a character to heavily relate to.

A nerd with the hair. I like how much his appearance reminds me of Eddie Van Halen. That is just lovely. However interacting with a good chunk of the people who also like him is not that great. But now with some of the online stuff I feel like I'm back in school. I was having a really shit day and I was going along with the crowd because I was actually laughing. Imagine my shock to learn I had been snubbed while others had not. They were pissing on me without the courtesy of even calling it rain. No one said a damn thing. I had to find out through someone else who wasn't even involved.

Interacting with a community hasn't really done shit for me right now.

I don't know what I want to do at this point. I feel like I'm stuck. I had projects I was so excited to do and things to see and now I just don't know. The hype I had building and building just abruptly vanished within a few weeks. Now I'm just frustrated, angry.

Life is never going to be completely perfect I know but I feel like I've been spat on and the "I'm sorry" was Bart Simpson saying "I'm soggy".

You know I had something weird happen to me earlier. I was just looking through some content. I've always done out of pure boredom was search, type, watch etc. I was watching a few clips of Eddie Van Halen interact with his child back in the early nineties and I was just. "Aw, that's cute" and I started imagining myself with a family. I hate children. I really fucking hate them so this was extremely out of character for me.

I kept scrolling until eventually I wasn't. I was just sat there and I don't know how much time had past but I was somewhere else. I was day dreaming so fucking intently I could smell, touch and hear as if it were real. I was talking to someone as if they were real. I was walking somewhere and just had a strange sense of freedom I hadn't felt since I was running from a teacher after I was caught with a pack of fags in school. It was amazing. I was broken out of the day dreaming by one of my dogs barking.

I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if I want to continue trying to be a decent person because apparently no matter how hard you try that doesn't happen. Someone is always gonna be scared of me and some people are always gonna have some sort of conflict with me. Its life but it shouldn't be so harsh. I'm scared of people.

If anyone needs me I'll be pretending I'm somewhere else until I can come up with some sort of decision.