#i'm gonna do it and i'll feel less ill and be real and alive for all the months of the year!

[b-blushes]

driving myself slightly bonkers trying to engineer a pollen screen of sorts ready for summer so i can use the ac and try not to spend months laying on the floor in misery due to my heat exacerbated Maladies WITHOUT letting air into the house, the very reason i needed to get an ac anyway (can't have the windows open lest i surrender my vision and breathing and nose to The Allergies). Why are premade pollen screens hundreds of pounds.... Why is my house not 100% square, instead being slightly wonky and leaving gaps in the already kinda garbage-y sliding-door-adapter through which pollen can get in..... i WILL be able to make one for i am guessing <£40? hopefully? (pollen-stop fabric, adhesive velcro, Long zipper) but it's A Lot to get my head around and i need to get a move on because otherwise before i know it summer will be here. Watch this space, telling friends about it will 100% motivate me to actually start it instead of keep stewing on it! :P

[noellashes]

hiiiiiiii! feel free to ignore this ask but what do you like about noelashe? :0 I really like them too but I don't exactly know why myself... the parallels perhaps? the care? the potential? either way, I'm asking you how you feel about them! And I hope you have a wonderful day! :)

so so sorry for the late response but

anon you don't understand how long ive been waiting for someone to ask me this exact question

this may be extremely long depending on how much i feel like talking about so i apologize

spoilers inbound after this point!!

there are many, many reasons ive fallen in love with them and their dynamic, but ill try to condense them into a more readable format

the sections will be as follows:

 their parallels and how they compliment each other

their kindness and affection towards each other

how they treat the other differently to the others in the mansion

more surface level dynamic things i like

the things that got me attached to them in the first place

parallels!

i feel like every noelashe fan understands their parallels somewhat but im insane so im gonna go in depth

they match and contrast each other in so so many different ways, down to even design (i actually made a post about that before it shouldnt be too hard to find)

their personalities are one thing, energetic and tired, extroverted and introverted, loud and shy, cruel and kind, fake and genuine, manipulative and naïve, i could go on but thatd be WAY too long so i'll just mention these

but thats just on the surface, they actually match each other a LOT more than you think

how ashe is more introverted than what meets the eye, not liking people out of distrust, and noel being tons more talkative and social, adoring people and barely being able to hate anyone

noel being smarter than he appears, willing to lie and manipulate for what he wants, and ashe being really easy to fool sometimes, immediately believing anything he thinks can bring back his family

and of course the obvious, their wishes

the same wish, the same pain, they go through such similar trauma with different ways of dealing with it

or so you think, their coping is very similar and this is acknowledged in sirius's conclusion, the only real difference being if theyre violent or not. noel, has sworn off harming people but he's still not above using backhanded methods for his goals. ashe, despite doing awful things for his wants, still has noble(ish) reasons for why he does these things

neither are entirely innocent, but neither are completely guilty

they both just want the people they care for to live peacefully, alive

but both do some pretty fucked up things for this wish, noel lies to sirius and uses dorothy as a ploy, ashe well- i think we all know. ashe commits multiple varied crimes that range from theft to murder and noel's own negligence can be considered a crime in some cases.

they have an understanding no one else does and it creates a lot of interest towards them and develops them as individuals too

kindness

they care so much for each other its insane

noel has trouble seeing ashe as anything but kind and ashe cant help but feel attached to noel even if he doesnt want to, which makes them get close each time and it makes them feel for each other a LOT more than they need to

the times where noel is sick and ashe takes care of him, ashe saying he lied so noel wont feel bad, noel letting ashe confide in him and ashe even trusting him enough to say his worries in the first place, the list goes on

they just have an instant bond bc they want someone to care and help them (even if both have trouble admitting it) and they want to help each other, which just makes them care more

it always ends in kindness between the two and it's one of the ways we get a happy ending

special treatment

i could put this in the kindness section but i think it deserves its own section bc its so damn cute

it does have a little less to go over tho as it doesn't happen much

im also gonna start adding screenshots and such

noel seems to really admire ashe and his abilities so much more than anyone else its adorable

hes so amazed by him literally just cooking and he doesnt comment on anything to do with precise stuff that isnt smth ashe does, i may be wrong but i dont think ive ever seen him comment on smth like sirius drawing talismans which is highly specific but will ALWAYS think about how impressed he is with ashe

he also just

treats ashe in a similar way to claire, like he just casually says ashe saved him which is such a strong word to him with no thought and he LITERALLY SAYS HE TRUSTS HIM UNCONSCIOUSLY BC HE REMINDS HIM OF CLAIRE if that doesnt say smth i dont know what does

and ashe always opens up to noel so much more than anyone else like noel has gotten ashe to talk about himself unlike anyone else, the only other character he talked to about things was claire (technically sirius too but he was drunk off his ass so im not counting it) and that was like once he doesnt even say anything that isnt surface level

ashe also just refuses to harm noel and i dont think anyone has noticed this before

it makes sense if his killings are during the day bc noel literally just isnt there but some other times he has no excuse

HE MOVES TO THE SIDE HERE EVEN IF WHERE HE WAS STANDING GAVE HIM A CLEARER SHOT TO CLAIRE YOU CANT TELL ME IT WASNT SO HE DELIBERATELY MISSES NOEL

ALSO HE COULDVE TRIED AGAIN OR GONE AFTER HIM BUT NO HE JUST GOES "missed one!" AND CALLS IT A DAY IF THATS NOT PROOF HE DOESNT WANNA HURT NOEL I DONT KNOW WHAT IS

surface level things

as much as i love the incredible lengths of their relationship, i also like more simple things that im just gonna put into a little list

theyre so sun and moon guys

BLACK CAT AND GOLDEN RETRIEVER BFS

their color palettes look nice together

babygirl and wet cat

loves to cook and fucking awful at cooking

smartass x dumbass

mutual healing

their symbols being hearts and stars those look so cute together

"i care about you!!" "why??", mutually

little bitch and sweetheart

both are affectionate but neither can handle it

emotionally repressed x the one who wants them to grow again

bfs who rant about their interests

same trauma

very strange guy x doesnt care

"im a disgusting monster" "HOW?"

the black and white good evil thing is very aesthetically pleasing for them

angel and devil (kinda)

why i fell in love with them

theres a lot of reasons why i love them but theres a few very specific things that got me attached

most obvious is that theyre both my favorites, im extremely attached to ashe and i loved him from the start, i didnt start liking noel until a tiny bit later but he very quickly gained my love

i also relate to them both heavily so seeing them care so much for each other gave me comfort

its a huge pattern that most of my ships are of the character i got immediately attached to and relate to and other character i relate to who cares about the first character

the fate line. its just so gay i was like "thats kinda gay" and while i didnt always think of it like it was super important it always stuck in my head like "yeah i could ship them"

but the real thing that started this all was the wine scene

its when i realized how much they cared for each other and then the floodgates opened, and here we are now!!

its still by far my favorite scene of the two it just makes me so happy its so adorable

conclusion

i have an extreme love for noelashe and just seeing them can make my entire mood better

i dont think many people have analyzed them as much as me so its sad to see how much stuff with them goes unnoticed

theyre genuinely so great for each other, platonic, romantic or anything in between, they deserve to be happy with each other

im so sorry for this being so long and maybe really hard to understand but i adore them so much

if you read this all thank you so much!! have a great day

[nerves-nebula]

I remember one time you referred to yourself as optimistic and I was amused / didn't believe you. I think it was because I am very used to people always calling suicidal people negative. Seeing you dismiss the idea of suicide just because some internet guy was still alive made me realize that you really are an optimistic person.

I find it hard to even want to see things through a better lense. I feel bad all the time for no reason (nothing but mental illness). I think it would be easier if I just got worse. If it helps you understand my perspective better, I'm the same anon that said they'd chose to die soon after you. I'm pretty sure I'm doing something wrong.

well if it helps im pretty sure im doing something wrong too. im also pretty sure im crazy sometimes and my perception of reality gets a bit too doom-spiral to be accurate.

I ALSO would like to get worse. but I try not to let myself implode in a billion beautiful ribbons, because it would be really rude to make someone clean up that mess. and i've always tried to value the happiness of ppl i love above mine. soooo no killing myself.

and yea idk i think people think optimism means you're happy all the time. but to me it just means i'm forcing myself to hang on because i chose to live for the promise of a better future when i was like, 12. so killing myself now would kind of make all that suffering pointless. PLUS my life IS way better. even if i'm suicidal sometimes.

i didn't JUST decide not to kms cuz i hate matpat. my ex wife let me put on a hand puppet show for her cuz i was sad but didn't wanna talk about my feelings and honestly that was mostly the thing that helped.

the matpat thing was mostly a joke to signify i was less suicidal, though the sentiment that I can't kill myself cuz ppl i hate are still walking around is VERY real. plus what kind of precedent would i be setting??? if I killed myself when my life is generally pretty good all things considered, what's that gonna say to all the queers and transsexuals and abused kids out there who's lives are wayyy worse??? nah. i'll hold on i think.

i am frequently bitterly optimistic like that. in like a sort of "god i wanna kms but what if it DOES get better tho" way. kind of using my neurosis about missing out for the greater good haha.

[fanvoidkeith]

Bruh I'm gonna be real, what you're describing is dysphoria 101 and your problems can be fixed from T.

Look, before I slurped up my first dose I was sitting in my gaming chair staring at the box of Testogel, hands sweating, wondering for a few seconds if this was the right choice and now I can't imagine going around without this shit.

The thing is the hormones change you and the way you perceive your body. I think there's a lot of stress around deciding whether you're a binary trans person or not, and before starting T ideas like getting a hysterectomy or phallo seemed unimaginable to me so for a while I felt like maybe I hadn't fully decided that I was a trans guy. Except then you start taking the hormones and it takes a painfully long time but at some point you realise that shit, you feel so much better existing in this new form. Now I do want those surgeries, which is a big opinion change in a short period of time.

I have a really bad anxiety disorder as well, and while sure it's acted up a lot for this, the feeling of being alive or some shit? Happy in my material form far outweighs all the other shit.

Note on the no junk - there are surgeons that do these procedures. It's called Genital nullification and is a developing surgery for nb people. So, this is an option.

Look, does anyone really know that transitioning will make them happier before they start? Not really. There's no harm in trying, it's a slow acting medication, if you go on it there will likely be no visible change until the 3 month mark at which point your voice starts to drop, everything that happens before this is completely reversible. So if you have the money and the inclination I'd say fuck it, try, worst case you'll drop it in the first few months, everything will go back to what it was like before, and you'll know the answer.

thank you for the advice (on my gender dysphoria)! a lot of what i dislike about myself is my body- my boobs, my voice, my period. i'm happy with my (gender) presentation otherwise, but most of the things that make me unhappy with myself are feeling un-masculine physically. (other than the mental illnesses, which are a separate issue that i'm trying to get help with.)

a lot of people in the comments of my original "should i go on t because i feel sad about my body and don't like that i have a feminine body" post pointed out that testosterone takes months to work, and that i can lower doses/start with a lower dosage of t. y'all are very smart, because i didn't think about that, lol.

i don't personally think i can afford any surgeries, but i'll look into the little-to-no junk surgery when i can afford it (probably a while from now).

i'm grateful for all the supportive comments and replies, and while personally i'm still working out some stuff, it makes me feel less scared to have other people be like, "hey, this thing helped me a lot, even though i was scared at first".

i didn't think anyone would see the original post at all, and have been very surprised at the amount of people interacting with it. maybe that's because a lot of my friends and family and people i know are cisgender, or if they aren't, they don't want to/don't feel a need to transition. so there's not a lot of people i can ask for advice who are 1) under the trans umbrella, 2) are in a group of people i regularly interact with so it's not weird to ask them personal questions about stuff like transitioning, including my irl friends and people on tumblr, and 3) are in the process of transitioning or have transitioned.

so again, thank you, and thank you to everyone who's said something on my posts or sent me an ask, whether it be "i feel you," "i feel similarly to this, but like with estrogen," or advice from your own transition. you all are wonderful.

[notjanine]

i survived!

i was overthinking it, Messy Guy did know that i'm seeing two people but did not clock that Bookstore was one of them. they didn't interact much, which, sadly, means they did not hook up with each other. i knew it was highly unlikely, but a girl can dream. also Bookstore did not fully believe me when i told them how hot this guy is, but right after he got there, they hit me with a driveby whisper like You were right, he IS hot. but still, they didn't want to go there, fiiiiine

concern about Messy Guy's conduct with me, on the other hand, may not have been totally irrational bc heeeee was getting REAL close to me again, breaching normal personal space and physical touch boundaries. my friend (who is amazing) set up one room at her place to be a less-populated quiet chill zone (bc this bitch has so many autistic friends), and i did not spend more than a single minute in there bc i was worried this mf would follow me and we'd be alone together. (that single minute i did spend in there included an incredibly brief but intense makeout with Bookstore, which was the only physical contact we had during the party. i mostly ignored them most of the evening. it was very hot.)

anyway since this is basically my diary, further highlights/interesting moments include:

i did manage to look cute (skin: glowing; hair: big, perfect shiny loose curls; fit: slightly revealing, but still leaving enough to the imagination) and got gushing compliments as soon as i walked in the door

beloved sweet cat leapt into my lap as soon as i sat on the couch

met another person with my chronic illness! we got Gotta Lay Down Disease, and my friend set up her bedroom to be better suited for horizontal chill hangs, so we got to lay down at a party and it wasn't even weird. fantastic.

fully like a third of people there were autistic, absolutely bonkers energy, slide into any conversation and there's a 30% chance of it being a high-quality educational experience bc someone is infodumping about a topic they love more than being alive. i was having so much fun listening to other people that i didn't even get deep into anything more specific than movies and books.

it was my first time meeting my good friend's boyfriend and her last one was a shithead and she has a history of dating shitheads, so i was like uhhhh maybe i'll just observe this mf from afar or avoid him altogether. at one point i popped into a conversation Bookstore was having with someone else and they were like Oh al loves action movies, and i said God yeah i'm a SLUT for action movies. like two minutes later, friend's boyfriend comes over and asks what we're talking about and says. Oh man i'm a SLUT for action movies. anyway we then vibed like two brains in a vat and me n Bookstore are now def gonna do a double date with them. (further interesting details about friend's boyfriend: he looks like if jared leto was a perpetually stoned twink and he wants to fuck Bookstore. lot to process.)

Bookstore's best friend was one of the last people to get there and when i said Hi, i'm al! he just said Oh, i know. idk how i feel ab the fact that they have told him so much specific information that this man could immediately identify me on sight among dozens of other people. confronting such evidence that contradicts my irrational but deeply-held belief that no one ever even thinks about me when i'm not directly in front of them felt a little uhhhhhh weird.

Bookstore and i left at the same time so we could spend a little time alone together but we didn't fuck and my next dick appointment with them isn't until monday eveninggg but oof i was so tempted to mess around. but. tmi fun fact: i have a small mouth (and big teeth) and this mf got me constantly lamenting my own physiology bc... it's too big to fit in my mouth. never wanted to suck a dick so bad in my life and i physically can't. hilarious. (but i'm not the first person they've had this issue with lmao)

anyway, it was really fun!! like the last party, i was not planning on staying long and i let my friend know ahead of time that i'd probably leave early, but. i didn't get home until after 3am.

and i didn't even sleep late this morning, got up early enough to do a load of laundry and have a healthy breakfast and i'm about to go spend the rest of the day with Tech Guy. busy me!

okay so this party tonight

it's a good friend's birthday and she really wants me to come. she's the one who hooked me up with Bookstore. she's also friends with Messy Guy. both of them will be there.

WHO KNOWS WHAT:

Birthday Friend knows that i am seeing Bookstore and Tech Guy, knows that i had a bad hookup and knows a few details, but does NOT know that it was with Messy Guy. if she knew more about what happened with him, i don't think they would be friends anymore.

Messy Guy knows most of what happened between us (i say most bc this dude has a substance use problem that i now believe is worse than i thought when we were actually messing around, and apparently he doesn't remember everything he did- or he claims not to, anyway), also knows that i am seeing both Bookstore and Tech Guy (just bc my silly little escapades have been a fun topic of conversation among our classmates).

Bookstore knows most of what happened with Messy Guy, but does NOT know that i am also currently seeing Tech Guy. (they said they were cool with the whole nothing-serious-no-exclusivity-or-monogamy-ho-phase thing, but that's different from actually KNOWING there's another person i'm seeing regularly. the other people i've talked to about this (including Birthday Friend) said that it's best not to be so transparent that they know about each other, bc they both okayed what i'm about right now. i don't want them to get in their own heads about it! when i'm with them, i'm with them.)

SO my main concern is that Messy Guy will get fucked up and/or extra messy and mention to Bookstore that i'm also seeing someone else. tbh they might not even mind, but to hear that from someone they already dislike bc of what they've heard from me (which was not my intention! i don't even dislike Messy Guy as much as i should, considering)...

my secondary concerns are that Messy Guy might make a move bc he is VERY impulsive and okay maybe i'm still a little into him (like.... okay he did some stuff he really shouldn't have done, without my consent and before i had a chance to say no, and like none of it was a CRIME, but i probably should have kicked his ass, on at least two separate occasions. however. i cannot tell a lie, i am still attracted to this man. i know i should stay away from him and i have been! but. he Hot.) and i am also worried that like. what if my friend's other friends don't like me :(

my best case scenario... i think Bookstore and Messy Guy should hook up, idk, they're both bi, Messy Guy likes tall guys and Bookstore will absolutely also think Messy Guy is hot, likee.... Bookstore doesn't think this'll happen but i told them You ain't met the man yet, wait and see :)

SO basically i'm wondering if i should tell Bookstore that i'm also seeing someone else before Messy Guy even gets the chance, but that doesn't seem like the right reason, if i should even do that at all. also wondering if i should text Messy Guy to be like Hey is it gonna be weird between us, but i assume he would say It's cool no matter what, and i know i definitely shouldn't text him at all

also wondering what i should wear- the red sweater that's my go-to nice top (Birthday Friend complements me literally every time i wear it, so i could wear it For Her) or my favorite very oversized button down that is. well, it's an oversized button down, but i don't button it all the way (that was my ex's favorite on me and Tech Guy likes it too)

so anyway. anyway. just another day in my year of who the hell am i and what have i gotten myself into. i'm probably overthinking this, i'm just gonna try to go with with the flow and i'll probably leave super early anyway, before chronically late Messy Guy even gets there. and then he and Bookstore could fool around without me!

[hotgirlstiles]

do u wanna share any fic recs

YES I DO......!!!!!! and here they are!!!!!!! full of sterek goodness and maybe some stiles char study cause hes my baby (": (thank u for indulging my insanity!!!!!!!)

keep it together aka my fav fucking fic ever.. this is the only sterek fic that exists to me. its so so so good and i love everyone and everything

ok literally everyone has a fav isthatbloodonhisshirt fic but i have two because im insane. one is it's not pretend when it's real, the fake relationship one because it has so so many good lines and my fav line is "it started being a little less ‘just in case’ and a little more ‘please don’t leave.’" ! i'll probably include my fav lines cause those r the ones i bookmark with hehe. my second fav one is by any other name (i will always feel the same) aka the old guard au (': just so heartaching and beautiful and my fave lines are "but it wouldn’t be one moment. sese, one with him isn’t enough! i want all of it. / one moment, theodoros. you can have one moment. it’s enough. with him, it’s enough." WHICH IS JUST SO FUCKING CRAZY! once u reach these lines in the fic. dear god. i was actually crying at 2pm while waiting for my dough to rise when i was reading this. it was amazing

binomial coefficients aka the cutest fucking highschool au AND derek fell first which is literally (clenches fist) wow.. "it's always about you." is my fav lkine which is so corny. and derek said it cause hes so corny. nerd.

don't know what i'm supposed to do (haunted by the ghost of you) is so ): stiles sees dead people/ghosts and guess what! he sees talia! its so good! i love it dearly! i love rereading this cause i love stiles and the author wrote him so nicely

in case the daylight never comes is my fav s3a fix it (": it has AMAZING scott characterization AND the cutest stiles scott and derek relationship .. <3 i always giggle cause theres this line where scott goes "as the true alpha" and stiles and derek mock him for it like "there he go again" .. huhuhu its so fucking cute i love this fic dearly

carry on is such a good pick me up if u wanna read hale pack and shenanigans i read it when i wanna cry cause its so good and funny and the best What Couldve Been..........

seafoam and sunshine .. merman stiles (": what more can you want from me. hehe

love like ghosts OK> djifhihjesfjieka im gonna cry this is a fic where derek sees laura and talia yearly as ghosts and idk. he just spends time with them and i cried so hard reading this its so beautiful. im glad they thought of this i like to think its canon

growing. this is a stiles char study abt his hair and what it means that hes growing it out ): its really short but i love studies where its abt stiles and his relationship w his hair (there r more but i cant find themm!!! T__T)

all you have is your fire (and the place it needs to reach) this is one of my faves (": spark stiles and how he grows into it. its a fix it from the start where laura is alive and theyre all a happy family.. i really really love this and how they wrote stiles gwaaaah! my fav line from this is "these moments stick to his lips, like dry lips to a straw, tasting of sugar and sweat. (these moments rest between his ribs)" which is just. WOW!

that's no moon which is a stupid fic that i fucking love so much omfg,. nothing literally happens its just scott helpibng stiles with his Journey To Sexuality and its so funny and stupid and idk. dereks there. hes just there. i read and love this more for the sciles relationship (":

werewolf love songs, vol. 1 is a famous fic but im still including it.. nyehehe i love the stiles here hehehe i love the dialogue and the stupidness. my fav monster of thr week fic!

if i followed you home is so good tooo!!! they meet in new york pero stiles sees the death of laura )-: its still really good ! my bookmark says "well then. i love you. everywhere." and i am 80 percent sure derek is the one who says that omg

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME ILL INCLUDE A HUMAN AU BUT POELASRSJKBGKSHEDB THIS ONE. THIS IS THE ONE!! Is That a Gun In Your Pocket Or...That's a Gun In Your Pocket !!!!! hitman derek who is so in love with stiles!!! ITS SO CRAZY I JUST LOVE IN LOVE DEREK GEHEHEH this has derek reciting spanish poetry to stiles bro. what more can you want. as my bookmark says, "i made you a mix CD. you recite pablo neruda. we’re pretty much terminally gone on each other." GAAAHHHH

another merman stiles fic!!! no oceans left i think this is THE stiles merman fic! i love this so much! its more of a char study which i really really love. i love stiles and his relationship w his mother (-': my bookmark says, "it’s different when you’ve had something your whole life. / well, i’ll always look at you and see a three year old looking back. and a six year old. and a ten year old." and the second one is something the sheriff tells stiles and it makes me cry. i love that line so so much it makes my heart ache

bake to remember, eat to forget is SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!! i havent seen this in any fic recs (me feeling special with a fic with 98k hits omfg) but its so. fucking good. everyone is alive except theres a TWIST!!!!!!!!!!! i love it so much i was confused at first but it. is. so. fucking. worth. it!!!!!!! my bookmark helpfully provides: "there’s no moving on. you’re it for me, stiles. you’re my endgame." (":

somewhere to start is an arranged marriage au wahuhu it has fae stiles!! i love the little story abt sheriff and mama stilinski at the start <3 (": its sosos good i love this i always reread this <3 my bookmark says "of course. i’ll keep you safe, from everything. / being lonely with derek wouldn’t be the worst thing at all." gweheheh

atonement is post-nogitsune stiles ): its really. heartaching. and more of a char study and its just. god. i love reading post-nogitsune stiles. my bookmark is "no one’s fault. not his, not yoshiko’s or the oni’s, not anyone but the nogitsune’s." which is really, gaaah.

GAAAAHHH THIS ISNT ANY ROMANTIC FIC its a sciles growing up thingy. dude, bro has ftm stiles and his journey with it and how scott helped him throughout the ugly parts of lifew.. i fucking love this so much it makes me cry when i think about it. my bookmark says "scott doesn’t settle for “most.”" which is (":

if i were you is a bodyswap fic with allison and stiles huhuhu............. its so funny and so cute i love it so much ):

wolf pack: beacon original is so good too.. it has hale pack ANDDD alive laura!! theyre in a motorcycle club! i love that cause my family used to be in one! ehehehe i love it sm its so nice

darling, dearest, dead PLEASE. this is the fucking,. the one. a fic. this fic. dear fucking god. stiles is so fucking weird and beautiful im so obsessed with him. this is the stiles in my mind i think. if theres a fic to describe all my interests in one. this is it. my bookmark literally says it all: "“i’d possess you,” stiles says, like this is a grand romantic gesture."

what's a secret identity? its just derek as superman. thats it,. im obsessed with it

thats all. bwahahahaha maybe ill make another list im on a hunt for good stiles character studies (": i love stiles! i hope you enjoy these fics i tried not to list the common ones but yes! stiles! scott! derek! wow!

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[deadeclipseapcolypse]

Hey, Again. This one is real different from what i normally post. This is, right hand to all the gods/godess/deities, The full truth.To all of my followers and rebloggers, I'm sorry. I'm probably going to be less active for a long while and I'd like to apologize. Something bug happened recently and it's probably going to affect how active I am.

I came out to my parents, Mom spefically, and she isn't too happy. Like she has made me cut off all of my friends and most social medias! She keeps trying to shut me down and won't stop. So, if I can't respond, get super silent, or fall off the grid, I'm sorry. There isn't a lot i can do or so say here.

I can't promise that I'm going to be ok, I really can't. But, I can promise that my DMS will always open, Don't shy away. I'll try and get on with my school computer, So maybe I can be active on here that way. Again, I'm sorry. Sorry if I worried you, Sorry if i can't be active and sorry if I miss anything big. Again, I'm sorry!

Plus let's get real a moment. As someone who hides behind a chubby raccoon pfp and some real weird posts, Ya'll probably think I'm like mentally ill. But you couldn't get any closer to the truth. I struggle with Anxiety and depression, It gets hard. This is why about a year ago I was inactive. It gets real dark inside my head and most days I can't see out of it.

The only reason I'm getting medication to help with this is because I came out.

"Yeah, We're gonna get you medication. You're clearly in need of some helpers to fight off the devil." (The "Devil" is LGBTQAI Stuff.)

I'm going to repeat myself! The only reason I'm getting help, after begging for therapists, begging for something to help me, is because I came out as Nonbinary Pansexual. Ladies and gents, Nonbinaries, and everyone else in between, The only reason I can get help is because of Coming out.

I think if I didn't come out, Life woukd be much better atm. I'm ngl, I wouldn't have made it another 4 years. I probably wouldn't have been alive for another 4 years. Guys, I don't wanna die. But I knew that I wouldn't have been able to survive 4 more years of living in this house without some form of help.

So here is where I stand: I fall in the middle of my politics, more towards the left tho. 56-58. I am a member of the LGBTQAI+ Community, At the moment I am a Nonbinary Pansexual named Max and use they/them. I do NOT know who I will be in 2 or more years. I'm the VP of my schools Pride club. I am depressed and have been debating on calling hotlines to vent to.

If you happen to be worried, Need to vent or need a buddy, Feel free to DM me!(I'll be suprised if anyone actually gets worried tho-)

Thank you so much to my rebloggers, You've brought me joy. You are all wonderful and amazing people, Thank you all so much. :3 Ya'll really should be who you are and not let anyone shut it down! I know it may seem hard but I believe in you! 2020 may have been a sucky year, But let's finish out strong and make 2021 better!

I'm sorry and thank you again!

Lots of love ans support,

~Max

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I hear two Atlanta Police Officers with missing vehicles called the Mayor and apologized to her for thinking of only themselves, admitted they were afraid that if they were in the same situation they would been fired as the other two in the Rayshard Brooks case and they couldn't allow that to happen to,themselves and the community so they wanted to show what would happen if it did because like me they all saw it as a justified homocide, a honorable weapon's discharge.

But after reading what i wrote last night. They fully regrret their decision and would like to have a meeting with her today, the entire 25 that stayed home for 3 days and they will all drive up to see her, in their personal cars of course.

Of course they got her mussing her mascara and all. Weeping she is. Don't mean she's weak. Just means she knows love. And she knows how evil attacks it and makes love so painful.

... ...

I mean I'm real surprised at Atlanta. I never had any problems with them they was always "The Next New Orleans" i called them.

Always just witchy with it. Good and a skip ahead.

So besides my anger at the situation created...

Look. I come straight outta the 90s.

Back then... Man. Our history been lost in 30 years. Our soul soul soul filled history. Its gone. It ain't there.

Back in the 90s we had about a 15 year break. From the protests from Vietnam War. Love not War Protests. We had them nice little 1950s with "Hello Technology: introduction to the TV" ONWARD to the "60s Hippies. Make love not War" taking it right onto the 70s which came back with the Civil Rights

So our 90s. Y'all they were the most beautiful. They were the combo of the 60s and 70s.

The riots and protests being taught to me and we made it big as we could with all the best parts of being a Human Rights Activist with brand new only 1990s fluorescent neon dripped could bring in.

That was all lost. Its all gone.

But the fight. The rights. THE TRUTH we went all 1950s and stayed in and raised our kids right. People wanna say shit about the Millennials. But we spoke truth. We spoke from our heart and we let them find,the truth as safe as possible and form their own opinions based on truth alone.

So now people wanna beat our kids. People i went to high school with they got high school graduates. Mine will be 17 this August. Real honest to God birthday and age.

Those are my babies. Our babies. They are our future. In 50 years they're gonna be like old man Bernie Sanders. 70 years old bent over fighting because we're gonna be near dead at 90 and more.

And people neglect and beat and ...

Man Our kids got it bad enough already. Simply because THEY KNOW THE TRUTH.

And man we got to protect them. Protect their hearts. Their minds. Their souls.

And they getting allllllll this stress. Put on them. Stress that is simply avoided.

By one dancing in the streets.

By 15 officers stating their badge numbers.

By the police owning up to who they are and why they exist.

Don't they want peace? Used to be they were called Peace Keeping Officers.

Now they called Lice Officers. Coming in on Native American Reservations claiming unwashed hair bread bugs. Let me tell you something. My daughter and I got lice a while back.. Like 8 years. The only thing that killed them was coating our hair in oil

Lice breath through holes in their exobody. So the oil makes them suffocate to death and die. Furthermore people whom smoke reject lice more frequently than those that don't. It takes me 3 months longer to get lice than a non smoker.

Peace pipe anyone?

.

So historically police aren't loved. They aren't wanted.

Being a police or military. It becomes a color of our skin. I'll post a tattoo that isn't finished being colored or lined. It's not done. I'll show you we can balance it.

Get out of your comfort zone. Step out of your skin.

We can't stop being black. We can't stop being what drives us to be police.

But we can control it.

"BURN ALL THEIR FUCKING CARS" demanded the international head of the CIA.

"No ma'am. This is what we did" they didn't tell me No before. They just did it. Because they knew it was better. They knew it would cause all 25 of y'all to have to stand up and say "my car is missing. This is how i feel. I do/don't want it back"

Where yall can't pretend what y'all did didn't matter and just get up and go to work the next day. All sneak in and get back to business.

No. You got a fucking problem. You forcing others to take on your load, Zone 5.

Were not walking away and being all its fine what ever. You got a problem. We need to tackle it in a for real state.

Foooorrrrr Reeeaaaalllll state.

You got a problem in your mind? Those become tangible. They aren't floating thoughts. They are what makes us do what we do.

Make it concrete. Take away their cars.

I ain't saying the charges will be dropped. That's all a whole other issue. I don't work in the justice system. Court. Law. I tell you how to win in court. But i ain't about telling some DA how to shove it. I just sue them. When its courts. I fight their game. With paperwork and all that shit. So like i said that's not on me to say the charges will be dropped.

When it's a basketball game you use a ball and circle to drop the ball in.

Use proper tools

Atlanta PD could and should said "alright let's picket the DA. Lets go in uniform. Leave our weapons in the car. Unbutton our shirts. Put red paint on our foreheads to show where they're hurting us. Show them the DA now made us defense less and stripped"

Half hour. 10 minutes. 2 hours. Don't matter. As long as you make that statement.

NYPD did that.

Sure i can ask Tree, tree why ain't you posted that? Taught them?

But why didn't NYPD pull out thier hands and say NBC, FOX. Where's them videos of what we use to do and so we can stop and make this shit right in the streets?

Thata all i did. That's all im doing now. Yeah I'm,the most brilliant and all

But the last since November i been telling y'all "shake them tail feathers"

How is Gary Trump's brother going into human trafficking for 24 years to be found by me. Then murdered by his brother that took his name and lied about who he was? And his brother didn't care. He said "ill go by Gary. It don't matter. Hes worked hard under my name"

How is the ACTUAL Donald Trump not allowed to be in a Black Lives Matter movement? How come no one is shaking their tail feathers to a man killed by the government for greed and white power?

The faux Donald Trump that is our impeached President is a racist.

So why isn't his brother being named? Black Lives Matter.

One person says "Let's Shake Our Tail Feathers".

Dont matter if you believe me. Its the movement. Quite literally.

Its confusing and alive and can make us all sick. It is its own plague. "Shake ya tail feathers" it's a mental plague if you refuse truth.

Regardless how i named it. I still taught it and spoke it. And led y'all to dance it.

Bye bye stress. Bye bye human trafficking.

Bye bye inequality.

Instead it's crazy

It was already planned to be crazy. Burning down buildings calling them Liberty Torches.

Civil Rights . Civil Liberties . take No Justice/Fairness and make it a sight to behold.

Is it fair to me financially to burn down my own economicially profiting legally businesses to make a Park and Garden where you can get fresh and,free vegetables and fruit for life? HELL FUCKING NO.

I got to pay security and taxes and i don't get a single domestic dime in return.

Kids go play on my slides and swings and wear them out having too much dam fun. Then i gotta spend More Money to make sure i am making sure they even get a single second to know what fun is.

I spent my whole life working. Every dam day.

One day I went out and I was 18 years old and i heard laughter. And i didn't know what it was. What made people laugh? How could people even be happy? Or want to laugh?

I was 18 years old. Didn't under stand a human thing.

And it just kept going and going and going. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to do whatever it took. And I didn't know why. Because i got my car keys out and opened my car door the second time that day. This time to make it stop. I put my car key between my fingers. Next thing i knew, I was sitting back down. And starting the car. Obviously my mom knew I was crazy with worry. And lost my mind. Shoved my ass back in the car and said "no you're just gonna leave and leave those innocent people alone"

I was so angry and bitter. And now my life is even worse.

If I couldn't attack them people. No one else can attack innocent people in public.

I don't care how fucked up you are. YOU CAN'T ATTACK SOMEONE FOR THEIR FREEDOMS.

Laughter. Black Lives Matter. Blue lives MATTER. All lives MATTER.

Some ignorant fool was arguing with a store clerk saying how her Black Lives Matter sign offended him

Watch me, #BLM #BLM ONE OF THOSE IS BLACK. ONE OF THOSE IS BLUE. TOGETHER WE ARE BRUISED BLACK AND BLUE.

Why can't y'all see and accept that?

We can't we be one. One truth.

One life to live

I can't live as Cleopatra or anyone of my past lives. I can't even live the life I led in the 90s. I can't even walk

We have one life to live and this is it.

So do we kill each other? Or do we protect each other?

Why aren't we being One?

When you're alone you can think of only you. You realize how important you are. We all need alone time.

When im with you i can only think about how important you are.

There isn't enough room in my brain to say how important we both are at the same time unless we do and think and act the same way all day long. Even for twins and clones its impossible.

So in my brain and in yours. You can only think about how much ONE life matters at a time.

ONLY ONE LIFE IN THIS WORLD MATTERS. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!

We. Our. Us. You can't stop a great combination.

Power and love = unified. Unity. United.

Watch me, #BLM #BLM ONE OF THOSE IS BLACK. ONE OF THOSE IS BLUE. TOGETHER WE ARE BRUISED BLACK AND BLUE.

Stop the pain. Hold our hands. Let the love flow. Let the Heart speak until it sings.

So yesterday old Blackfeet and Regina didn't see each other for the DUMBEST thing. She said "oh baby ill move in the nursing home with you"

He says something all "nonsense that's dumb shut up" all Grumpy Bear.

I don't even want to be with you.

So i talked to Michael about their unique situation.

He could had said "I'm well enough to move into a regular home with you. We don't need the nursing home. I moved to (US state) to be with you. To be close to you because you mean more to Me than Anything in the world. And you deserve a big ole castle. Because i love you and we gotta do all this best and right. No nursing home. We got another 50 years plus i wanna be doing you on the kitchen table and not here. All I can smell is stinky old man diapers from the neighbor"

And she could said had he continued the fight "oh idk what I'm saying I've never even seen the nursing home. Do you mind i come visit you there? Id really like that"

It would taken ONE. Only one to stop their ninny war.

And they would been holding each other. With love.

Instead of living in Hell.

So, now what happened was we put it all on old dad. Because hes the Black Beethoven who can suddenly sing a ballad of symphony in the midst of telling some real bad history truth.

Then moments later Regina said "well i could said something different, too".

It takes two to tango.

So I challenge y'all to punch inequality in the face. BLM. there is no difference between.

Black. Blue. Red. Purple. Yellow. Green. All bruises.

Challenge each other. Black and blue.

Force it. There is no difference and it must be seen.

Chant it. Turn on the "Boombox" and dance together. Dance if some won't. But do it in their face.

Laugh. Be happy. In their face.

If they're bitter like an 18 year old me and don't have a Angel Mommy to bust their ass back down into a sitting position. Someone will beat the shit out of them. Someone will stop them and i Will go after them and send you services for legal and medical. Free.

Acknowledge.

You are hurt. I am hurt.

Lets Live. Lets be happy.

Lets try. Trying makes perfect.

"MOVE BACK"

"TAKE THAT FIRST STEP"

"MOVE BACK"

"SEE WE ARE HURT SAME AS YOU" point out the ones that have fear. The ones that try to intimidate. -- The I Can See You -- let them scream in your face youre nothing but a piece of shit. And yell back they're someone inside a police uniform. And you can see it.

Beat their asses like fucking Care Bears.

Teach you a little photography. 1. Dirty lens. Dry skin. 2. Lotions the skin. Hannibal lectur. 3. Cleans the lens. 4 & 5 close up with flash. 6&7 close up without flash.

After meeting some kids in college. Native Americans from tribes near Gallup. Very very. Very Racist.

I began to question my life long believe of how I could live with being a military based person. And being an Native American.

I didn't know. I just knew i could and it wasn't fair to me to destroy the very being of me. Simply because it don't make sense without actual factual historical documents.

Remember Oregon Trail was First. That made Atlas.

Then down the coast to find gold. So NM DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT NO FUCKING TRAIL OF TEARS SO GET OUT MY FACE.

And so my owl... Its every thing. I didn't design it normal. It has wings that are out stretched yes.

But it has a secomd pair of wings. Which are pins from the United States Coast Guard. Those wings are like hands. To do things close by to the body.

Its slightly designed after a Hindu God. She has 6 arms.

Here the wings are keeping the body warm and safe and sound.

How could myself own an owl to represent my secret past of S.Leigh if it can't have hands to represent both my heart and mind?

There figlirliee on the head. That's not for me. Its because I think about you. The mass population of Earth.

I need more simply than what the Earth can provide in the reality of which exists on Earth.

There's an hour glass of water on it's side, traveling... My baby bird is flying with an hour glass.

If you look. You'll see a woman under and between the two shields. And she has "duck lips"

For the real "Not Gary Donald Trump"

Her lips are actually a heart. But they look off..

A rose each sits above the shields. A diamond in the midst of the tail feathers.

No piece

No area.

Is just a feather. A stroke of color.

Each is an item. There's no nothing. It is all something

The military did not just beat us and we took it as Muscogee Creek Nation. We built an Atlas. Recivejed the City of Atlantis -- the Spain sent supplies to help us for years. All the way from Florida.

There was Something. It all wasn't nothing

Or for nothing. Everyone looks for the truth. Looks for the Lost City of Atlantis and i am the one who sunk it. Because I am the Goddess.

The diamond has a purple eye. Diamonds are the hardest and toughest known substance.

Well i know my mind is gonna cut you and rip you apart from what I've seen. So my eyes are like diamonds. My mind

Our tounges are diamonds. We can slash each other apart.

Or we can acknowledge the riches we have.

My Ultimate Challenge is for the police to create a barricade when necessary. No weapons in hand. Hands on the top of their heads and chant BLM Bruises are the same.

We know black bruises hurt the worst, the same level as red.

Then purple. Then blue. Green and yellow rarely do.

So please fight blindness and inequality with me.

And please post it on the national news and international news. So that we know as a world we all fight together

Whether it's in the couches or in the streets.

Thank you for trying.