#i'm going to raise this pairing from it's sad little purgatory if it's the last thing i do

[sleepy-nights-sleepy-days]

[manifesting as hard as i possibly can] please, please god, please, please, please let more people get into my extremely niche and somewhat dated hyperfixation ship 😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏

[msmarvelouswinchester]

What The Heart Wants

Summary - Dean thinks his heart's deepest desire is to cast Michael out of his head but is that really his heart's deepest desire?

Pairing - Dean x Reader

Warning - Angst, Swearing TW : Character Death

A/N - This is written for @katymacsupernatural Make Me Feel Challenge (I hope you cry a little lol)

My prompt was "I don't want an apology"

Spn divider by @talesmaniac89

Beta'd by the lovely @deanwanddamons

"I don’t know. I-I guess you – you hold the pearl and – and concentrate on what your heart desires," Sam said and gave Dean the pearl

"You think it will work?" Dean said looking at the pearl in his hand.

"I guess so," Sam frowned.

"Michael outta my head. Got it,” Dean said and balled up his fist.

"See, it didn't work’” Dean scoffed, "I can still feel Michael in my head banging those doors.”

"Dean?" Dean turned around and his breathing hitched at the sight of you. He couldn't believe his eyes. You looked the same as the last time he saw you.

"Y/N?" Dean said and walked towards you. He stretched out his hands, tangling his fingers with yours. You weren't an image his mind was conjuring up. You were real.

"De, wh-what is this place? Who-are you Sam? Shouldn't you be in college?"

"College? No,” Sam narrowed his eyes at the unknown girl in front of them.

"Dean, what's happening? Why are we here? Shouldn't we be in Omaha?" You looked around the place with confusion in your eyes.

"Omaha? What year is this?" Dean asked.

"2004.” You said.

"No. It's 2020. I think-I think we summoned you.”Dean's voice cracked at the end.

"Summoned me?" You frowned at his words.

"Yeah. Dean, can I talk to you for a second?" Sam asked Dean with his brows raised.

"S-sure", Dean said, his eyes still focused on you, "stay here.” Dean reluctantly let go of your hand. He thought that you would disappear into thin air once he lets you out of your eyesight. He followed his brother to another section of the bunker. Sam started to speak when he realised you were out of their earshot.

"Who is she?" Sam asked.

"Her name is Y/N. She's a hunter. I met her during a ghost hunt after you went off to college. I was hunting alone - Dad was god knows where. She's the toughest hunter I know. She had saved my ass on that ghost hunt,” Dean smiled softly at the memory.

"Then why haven't I met her? How did you summon her?" Sam started firing various questions at his brother.

"You don't know her 'cause she died,” Sam looked up at Dean in surprise, "And I don't know why I summoned her.”

"You had the pearl. It definitely has something to do with you Dean.” Sam frowned at the older Winchester.

"I don't kn-" Dean started to say, but stopped when he noticed Sam frowning at him, "I summoned her maybe because I wanted some more time with her. I loved her Sammy.”

Sam saw something in Dean's eyes he never thought he would see. A small smile was playing on Dean's lips and his eyes shone with a sliver of happiness in them. Sam understood in that moment how important you were to his brother.

"Come on, let's go and properly meet Y/N", Sam said and went back to the library of the bunker,Dean following him.

"It's so nice to meet you Y/N!" Sam pulled you into a bone crushing hug suddenly.

"Can't breathe,”you gasped.

"Sorry,”Sam released you from his hug.

"It's nice to meet you too Sam.”

"I'll leave you two alone. Give you both some space.”

Sam left the room but not before your eyes met with him. His eyes were clouded with various emotions. You couldn't quite place a finger on them, but there was a sense of vulnerability in the way the boys spoke to you. You still hadn't met the 2020 version of yourself and you were dreading meeting her. She was you, but judging by Dean's looks, something bad had happened to you.

"Did I die?" You asked the obvious question. You always knew that your end was going to be bloody - that's what happened to most hunters, but asking about your death still made a shiver run down your spine.

Dean nodded slowly. You squeezed your eyes shut.

"Yes. You die, in front of me,” Dean said and hung his head in shame, "I couldn't save you. I broke the promise. I watched as the werewolf ripped your heart out. I couldn't"- Dean choked on his words.

"When do I-" you lips quivered at the thought of the inevitable.

"Sixteen years ago. On August 25th, 2004,”As Dean said those words, his voice was overwhelmed with sadness.

"So I died two months later and all this time you had to live without me", you said, gasping lightly at the thought. You got up from your seat and walked up to Dean.

"I couldn't do anything. I-I promised to keep you safe,” Dean looked up at you, your own eyes meeting the beautiful green eyes that you loved so much.

"'I'm sorry.” Dean pulled you towards him, pressing his face into your chest. You threaded your fingers lightly through his hair.

"'M sorry,” Dean said again, his voice muffled.

"I don't want an apology, Dean,” you said. Dean let go of you, a single tear rolled down his cheek. You went down on your knees, your face now directly in front of his.

"I know", Dean said, his voice strained, "I know you can never forgive me. It's all my fault. I-I should have protected you. I-" you cut off his words by pressing your lips onto his. You felt Dean kissing you back and you melted into the kiss. You finally broke the kiss when you felt your lungs screaming for air.

"Dean, I don't want an apology, because you have nothing to apologise for. My death was inevitable. Baby, we are hunters, that's the only way we will go out,”you cleared your throat, tears were streaming down your face too, "You need to understand it's not your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself. You need to forgive yourself.”

"I never forgave myself Y/N/N. I loved you so much. I still do. I still think about you every night. I-I still think how everything would have turned out if you didn't-" Dean said. Your heart broke for the man in front of you. He was Dean Winchester, he was your Dean but something was so different about him. He didn't seem as carefree as he was in 2004.

"What happened to you?" you asked the man in front of you. He looked like the shell of the man he once was. His eyes were now almost emotionless. Something terrible had happened to him. "What happened to you, Dean?"

"Heaven, hell, purgatory - everything.” Dean scoffed.

"Hey Y/N? I hope you like pizza because we don't have anything else in here,” Sam chuckled while coming back to the library with a big box of pizza and three bottles of beer.

You nodded, glad that Sam came by to interrupt your conversation with Dean.

"So how did this whole summoning thing happen?" You asked, biting into a slice of pizza.

"The archangel Michael is riding shotgun in my head. We got hold of a pearl which fulfills your heart's deepest desire. I was using it to cast Michael out of my head which resulted in summoning you,”Dean said and shrugged at you.

"Archangel Michael? What happened in these last sixteen years, boys?"

"So you boys saved the world, huh?" You couldn't help but feel proud for the boys. You were also feeling a little sad, knowing that you wouldn't be with the boys throughout their adventures.

"More than twice.” Sam said excusing himself when his phone rang.

"So what do you think?" you asked the man who was stuffing his face with pizza. You giggled at his childish behaviour. All these years, and he hadn’tchanged at all.

"Thinb abaf whap?" Dean asked with his mouth full.

"This. What if this is a second chance?" You asked.

Dean swallowed down his food.

“Second chance for a Winchester, that's rare,”Dean scoffed.

“What if this is the second chance? You deserve it, Dean. You both deserve some happiness in your life,”you told him

“Uh-guys, I think we have a problem. See this”, Sam came back to the library and showed the video that was playing on his phone to you and Dean who gave you a ‘I told you so’ look and turned to his brother.

“What? I always knew you were a nerd but this is- what is this? Welcome to Sam Winchester’s TED talk?” Dean scrunched up his face in disgust when he heard Sam talk about the benefits of eating Kale, “Dude, this is weird - even for us! But you are here with us, then who is that Kale loving weirdo?”

“I think it's a temporal paradox,”Sam said.

“A temporal what?” Dean asked.

“Y/N from 2004 is zapped to 2020 so the timeline is correcting itself. If Y/N doesn't die, I never went back to hunting life because you both searched for Dad and killed the yellow eyed Demon and that means”-

“That means Mom doesn't come back and you become this Sam ‘I love Kale’ Winchester,”Dean cut off Sam’s words and completed the sentence himself.

“So how do we get this back to normal?” You asked the brothers.

“No, you are not serious about going back...I don't wanna lose you again, sweetheart,”Dean croaked out.

"I know. But if I don't go back, you will never get Sam back or your mom. It's me against your mother and brother.” You cracked a smile at Dean.

“I guess destroying the pearl will send you back,” Sam said.

“Let's do it then.”You swallowed thickly. You didn't want to leave Dean but it was wrong. This wasn't your life. You should be dead.

“No please, let's think this through. There has to be another way. We can make this work.” Dean pleaded.

“De, I know how you're feeling. It's honestly killing me to say goodbye to you, but you gotta understand, you have lived sixteen years without me - that's your life. This isn't your life. You gotta let me go,”you said.

Dean pulled you into a tight embrace. He clinged onto you as if his life depended on it. You pressed your lips on Dean's head.

“Dean look at me.” You cradled his face in your hands, making him look up. His eyes were starting to tear up. You had never seen Dean Winchester like this, and it shattered your heart.

“I know even if I say it, it won't make things better but it will be okay.” you softly said. Dean let go of you but pulled you into a bruising kiss.

“Do it Sammy.”Dean said after breaking the kiss.

Sam took the pearl and placed it on the table. He got a bowl to smash the pearl.

“It's okay. I love you.” you said, pecking Dean's lips one more time.

“I love you too.” Dean said and Sam smashed the pearl.

Dean continued to hold onto you until you disappeared into thin air and his hands were only holding onto air.

“I am sorry Dean,” Sam said, “you were truly happy for once.”

“I was because she was the best thing that had ever happened to me.” Dean said.

.

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Forever taglist - @donnaintx @devil-in-my-boots @amandamdiehl @miss-nerd95

Dean/Jensen Taglist - @akshi8278 @mrsjenniferwinchester @jensengirl83