#i'm going to get a bit detailed w this bc i rly need to vent so there will b calorie mentions but pls dw i'll keep trying to work towards
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ok an e ways here we go again girls
#hi pls dont read tjis if u struggle w disordered eating or are triggered in any way by mentions of disordered eating!!!!!!! pls ):#i'm going to get a bit detailed w this bc i rly need to vent so there will b calorie mentions but pls dw i'll keep trying to work towards#not letting it spiral further and when i have a therapist again which shld be soon i'll talk to them abt it#um ok so basicly#my ed randomly got bad again n i'm rly like getting in a bad mindset abt it of enjoying it again#w the heatwave my appetite said bye girl!! <3 n it's making me lose my mind ed wise#i jst had my first real meal in like a while n it had like 500 calories n i hated it so much#n i jst despise the feeling of being full in the slightest#i had to buy groceries today n i got myself healthy dinners to try n encourage myself to actually eat but its hard#like i jst dont want to eat n i keep having to rly force mtself each time i eat n its so fucking hard 2 keep in any food#but i wld waste money now if i dont bc theres some perishables bc i have a v tiny freezer like the kind thts a drawer thing in my fridge#n wasting money makes me go insane honestly like i grew up poor n went thru financial abuse from family so ya#i'll probably manage 2 eat but ik i will keep putting it off n wanting to count calories n feeling terrible abt it#i hate tht i want to let my ed get bad again bc i just feel so disgusting and my bdd has been so bad n i jst despise having a body n being#perceived like i jst always want 2 look perfect n desirable for men bc trauma gave me brain damage#n esp now where one of my abusers became a more intense fp again i jst want to be good n pretty n desirable for them 2 use u know#n i jst feel like i cant be if im not actively restricting n losing weight like i jst aaa#idk i cant rly exercise whatsoever either bc of my chronic illnesses n my metabolism is so fucked bc of lifelong disordered eating n chronic#illnesses n my antipsychotics n my stupid genes tht i jst do not lose any weight if im not restricting p extremely n i hate it sm#like a normal diet straight up makes me gain weight like jts fucked up n i hate tjis so fucking much i jst want to be one of those ppl whos#naturally skinny n has a fast metabolism ):#aa all of this sucks n i wish i cld jst shapeshift n make myself perfect n stuff ):#i hate how eating disorders romanticise disordered eating for u its so gross how u end up feeling these ways abt putting urself thru this#moss.exe#ed tw#disordered eating tw#emetophobia tw#calorie mention tw#edit: fp keeps demanding like s*xual things n images tjt i cant provide bc of bdd n its worsening my ed sm i jst wnt 2 be good n useful#bc if im not he'll be mad n he will leave n je will do tjings ahain for me not being good n i want to be good
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