#i'm getting scared that i'm gonna abandon it but i don't wanna make a self-fulfilling prophecy

[10moonymhrivertam]

*Stares at the word count on the BatB AU* Hey wait. I don't even have that many scrapped sections. Stop that.

[disorderly]

You can feel free to tag me if you'd like, I have BPD.

Very negative, as one could expect, I suppose. It's a mix of being triggered every day over small things and then learning how to self-soothe all over again because I was never taught a proper way to handle my emotions. Every single feeling is intensified drastically, to the point I feel physically paralyzed by some of the things I feel. Feeling triggered will also cause me to act out in a way that either paints me as a monster or someone who is possibly attention seeking.

Most days are hell, I won't lie.

Any sort of rejection feels like a stab to the heart. It gets to the point where I isolate myself from human interaction and pull away from friends just to protect myself from any sort of perceived rejection I could possibly experience with interacting. I assume everyone is angry, mad, or upset at me until proven otherwise. I'm constantly paranoid that people are talking behind my back/will replace me. It's pretty bad. Even on good days, they're easily ruined because I'm overly perceptive to people's emotions. If someone close to me is having a bad day? It's suddenly all my fault and I need to make myself appear as small as possible to hide from any wrath they might throw down on me. And it's all perceived. Half the time, it's got not a damn thing to do with me....and then I feel arrogant for assuming I could affect someone's life enough for them to even think of me. Feeling like I might be abandoned is also something I struggle with greatly. I feel replaceable in everyone's life, and it leads me to feeling intense jealousy that causes me to lash out over simply nothing. There have been times where I'm pounding the ground sobbing on call to someone because they told me they'd call at 3:00 and it was now 3:01...all because I assumed they stopped loving me over a one minute late difference. The intense wave of shame that hits me after acting out is enough to kill me, too. It's so bad, and there's little you can do to redeem a friendship once you've started acting out. People don't wanna deal with it, and I fulfill this prophecy of being abandoned....because I fear being abandoned.

I've once seen someone describe BPD as being chained down at the bottom of an empty pool and watching the water slowly fill from all directions as you inevitably have no choice but to drown. The impending doom, the drowning in not just your emotions and responsibility, but the people's around you. Having absolutely no fucking way to escape it either. Like you are trapped there in the water of your own emotions and the only way you're gonna get out is if someone pulls you out, or you're able to find a key and unlock yourself in time before you drown. Personally, I always loved this particular depiction. For me, I think I'd describe it as living in one body with 2 people who absolutely hate each other. They both have very differing world views, whether other people are good to a fault or all cunning and evil. These two people do have one thing in common, though, and that is that they are both scared.

Yes—

HEY!! I have questions for people with HPD, NPD, ADHD, ADD, AUTSIM, BPD, DID and OSDD!!

1. What's your experience with your disorder(s)?

2. How is it for you?

3. What are some examples you have of what you deal with?

4. How would you explain your disorder(s)?

5. Am I allowed to use your experience(s) to write an informative post about said disorders on @wat-da-hell-iz separately? Anonymous or tagging you?

Please reblog as I want to have as many answers as possible from at least more than two people and myself.

Don't feel complied to answer either! Answer what you're comfortable with answering ^.^ (my pms are also open incase you don't want to reblog or send an ask with your answer(s)!)