#i'm feeling very.... bleh about my art rn

[laughinglynx]

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[inkofamethyst]

March 8, 2023

No one would ever get this out of me irl but I very occasionally, at the peripheries of my thoughts wonder what might have been if I had agreed to go out with that guy from biochem. (Can you tell that Hadestown has had an effect? This is dizzying. Next thing you know I'm going to be begging to have a crush (but also I'm very picky about my crushes bc they can't be undergrads (lol tbf I'm only barely not an undergrad myself), they can't be in my department, and they have to be someone I see somewhat regularly (no passerby crushes)).) Because part of the reason I said no was fear and part of it was that I was in excruciating pain when we had that study date (mostly the fear though), and then there was also the whole being devastated about not getting to show off that solo that I worked really hard on. Bad vibes all around. But he wasn't a bad guy. I was just scared.

Even still, I can't seem to remember his name.

[edit, next day: I wrote the above last night and you would not believe the butterflies I got today when all I did was make eye contact with some (very attractive) dude before a class. Ridiculous. (I have the need to catch his eye again.) This is gonna be like bike-boy from junior year lol. Or the caving dude, also from junior year (literally who did I think I was, trying to go caving just to get close to a man??? Lowkey still wish I'd been able to get in on that trip, but alas).]

God, I really cannot dance. Was recently informed that alum from my undergrad uni would be restricted in their GDrive space so I went in and culled (will ultimately have to remove half of what I have stored) a bit. In early pandemic days there was some Broadway challenge (it was basically a big ad but it was fun and free (and very successful, incredibly marketed), so) where each week you'd have to take time to learn a song or dance or something and post it and I saved my dance video to my uni GDrive and it's AWFUL. Like the steps are all there, I can remember them (because I drilled it hard) but I'm so clunky lookin--it's dreadful. IT'S SO BADDD. (keep in mind it was newsies though so like it is bad but the choreo isn't helping either) But. If nothing else, I keep that smile on lock(down). I haven't watched any of the theatre tapes from high school but that doesn't make me excited to see them, beyond hating the recorded sound of me singing, bleh.

Found out what next year's stipend numbers are going to be and there's still literally no way I'd be able to make it work with my current savings rates (25% (also I'll be increasing my estimated taxes to 30% from 25%)) without help. It feels kind of weird to say this because I truly miss my grandmother so much like it's not even funny, but she's helping me so much right now.

Want to make a text-based, randomized, hunger-games-style battle royale game in python for my friends to play. In a different life, I think I could've been a game dev. Literally. Writing, music, computer science (I don't really do visual arts though). To be fair, like, there's nothing stopping me from trying. On the side, just for fun, coming up with minigames. I think I'd need to become like Brandon Sanderson though, where I relax by doing something (actually, now that I think about it, I'm not that far off, it's just that I don't have a ton of access to my favorite hobbies rn (music, sewing, etc)).

Today I'm thankful for how beautiful biology can be sometimes. I love how we find reflections of the same ideas at all levels!!! Recently I was thinking about multicellular organisms, and how they're just a bunch of different cell types that have different jobs with the goal of all working toward the greater good of staying alive together. And you don't just see this in things like animals! There are unicellular organisms that form colonies when times get tough, and they sometimes will even divide out work amongst themselves. And at the multi-organismal level, people banded together during those early days of covid to make sure the elderly were fed, that we were getting fitness classes, that we could see performances. And I know this is a basic idea in biology, but that doesn't stop it from being beautiful.

[edit: I finished all of my pre-spring break homework!!!! Let the breaking begin!!!!]