#i'm either a placeholder. a guy you'd be hanging out with between a breakup and finding someone new for example. you know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

corfisers · 4 months

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haven't opened discord since january (and probably was quiet weeks before deciding to stop even looking at it too, but i don't remember for sure) and it's not like i'm planning to open it now, even thought i know that i left it on invisible and that nobody would be able to see if i'm online or not anyway. it's not even about being perceived, i just don't want to see and acknowledge that someone might've been trying to talk to me in a genuine effort to connect or check if i'm alright. let alone respond to that. i've even had a few dreams about it. keep telling myself "next week, next week i'll reach out and fix this" and then i don't. again, it's been months. when shame and guilt will inevitably overweight the feeling that causes this and i do come back, i hope i won't hear a single "i missed you" because i wouldn't even be able to reply "me too" sincerely. which is another thing. i don't really miss people. time isn't real. and it's not anyone's fault, it's not like i don't care about the people who somehow managed to get close enough (although you can argue that if i cared i wouldn't be this way, and you wouldn't be the first one), but it doesn't really help, does it? so much compassion and care completely wasted, and on me of all people

#i like people. i like interactions where it doesn't cross an arbitrary line of being too personal to freak me out and cause whatever this is #and sometimes i like having friends too but eventually something breaks. every fucking time. there are two scenarios really #i'm either a placeholder. a guy you'd be hanging out with between a breakup and finding someone new for example. you know #or i'm your chill somewhat cold friend who one day just fucks off. most likely unprovoked. wouldn't be your fault #boils down to which of those happens sooner i suppose. that's assuming you even manage to get close somehow in the first place #the only way to keep me around is to let me just be somewhere off in the distance. i'd wave at you occasionally and wish you all the best #and those of you who fit this category? i'm glad to know you and i'm grateful to have you around. genuinely. it means a lot #the only form of connection if you can call it that that's actually bearable for me. and as much as i love being alone i do need Something #benvey tag

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