#i'm either a placeholder. a guy you'd be hanging out with between a breakup and finding someone new for example. you know

[corfisers]

haven't opened discord since january (and probably was quiet weeks before deciding to stop even looking at it too, but i don't remember for sure) and it's not like i'm planning to open it now, even thought i know that i left it on invisible and that nobody would be able to see if i'm online or not anyway. it's not even about being perceived, i just don't want to see and acknowledge that someone might've been trying to talk to me in a genuine effort to connect or check if i'm alright. let alone respond to that. i've even had a few dreams about it. keep telling myself "next week, next week i'll reach out and fix this" and then i don't. again, it's been months. when shame and guilt will inevitably overweight the feeling that causes this and i do come back, i hope i won't hear a single "i missed you" because i wouldn't even be able to reply "me too" sincerely. which is another thing. i don't really miss people. time isn't real. and it's not anyone's fault, it's not like i don't care about the people who somehow managed to get close enough (although you can argue that if i cared i wouldn't be this way, and you wouldn't be the first one), but it doesn't really help, does it? so much compassion and care completely wasted, and on me of all people