#i'm a lot more tough nowadays but some shit stuck like glue

[emerald-amidst-gold]

Just need to vent

I’m sitting here with a slowly growing headache, and I realized something: 

You know you’re pretty passionate about something when you get shamed for it.

So, for some context: I was at work, and sometimes, between waves of workload there’s a lull in the activity. So, technically, we aren’t supposed to play on our phones, but my workplace doesn’t monitor that shit, even though they post posters all over the place with ‘workplace regulations’. (They also post ‘motivational’ posters that make me grimace because hypocritical~)

But, basically, it was one of those free moments, and I opened up Google docs on my phone to re-read one of my chapters. During my breaks or my lunch, I’ll revise and edit things if a better thought pops in my head. I’ll also just whip out my phone to jot something down. Dialogue, character ideas, maybe a short story concept because I tend to forget them and I don’t want to, but I always go right back to my work after.

However, Thursday was a really slow day, and I found myself playing on my phone a lot more than usual because why not? So, there was another person working in my area with me, and they came over to talk to me (because nothing to do, right?) which is fine, I can communicate with people, I just don’t usually. They came over, saw me continuously glancing at my phone to type, and they were like, 

‘What are you doing?’

Okay, that’s a valid question, right? No harm, no foul. 

I go, ‘Writing. I like to write stories about characters I’ve created and have them interact with ones from video games.’ Pretty straightforward, right?

They go, ‘Can I see?’ 

Oh, wow! I thought. Someone outside of the internet is interested? Cool! 

So, I turn my phone around, a smile on my face and scroll through the chapter I was working on. Obviously, I was a little self conscious (I used to be like that when I drew a lot, too.), and so I said, ‘I’m not sure if you’ve even heard of Dragon Age, but it’s what I usually write about. A lot. But you can read some if you want.’ 

Here I am, thinking someone was somewhat curious of my interests, and what do they do? They watch me scroll, barely even glance at anything I’ve written, and go, 

‘Is this all that you do? Just write? The amount of chapters you have concerns me.’ 

I’m sorry? I’m sorry? I’m sorry?! Is suddenly having an interest a crime?! Now, I might be blowing this out of the water, and being sensitive, but let me be clear, I am sensitive. To tones of voice, certain expressions, seemingly harmless words; I’m just sensitive and it’s something I constantly have to work at correcting. But let me tell you, I immediately closed my phone, chuckled nervously, and just shrugged. 

I felt shame, and I shouldn’t have. I enjoy writing. I enjoy sharing it with people, and hearing what they like and dislike about it. And as someone who finds it incredibly difficult to latch onto things with passion due to depression and anxiety, writing makes me happy, excited. It’s literally a type of anti-depressant for me.

It makes me feel something, for God’s sake! And to be shamed for that, intentionally or unintentionally, is just ridiculous. I did eventually look at the person and go, ‘So? I like it. It’s fun. Just like you think shooting guns is fun.’

And of COURSE, they go, ‘Yeah, but shooting would be more fun.’ 

Okay, yes, for you! I, personally, do not like guns. They scare me. They’re loud. I don’t do well with loud noises. I’m a methodical person, I like to think, to analyze, to interpret, and use those traits to be creative. I don’t find enjoyment in things like shooting, working out, or stuff that involves just raw aspects. Those types of activities make my blood pressure rise and my anxiety spike. Writing, drawing, reading, and just being analytical (researching lore, making theories, learning a new bit of information) is what calms me. 

Different people, different things. That’s what makes the world colorful and inviting. If we all enjoyed the same things, this world would be boring as fuck. As such, no one should be shamed or made to feel shame because they like something you don’t understand, or isn’t your cup of tea. Just respect people. That’s all. 

Thanks for coming to my ted talk! (and my venting hour lol)

And also! This is a message for those who feel shame for the things they enjoy! Don’t you dare let the fire burn out, you hear? There’s always someone waiting for your next creation! Remember that.