#i'm a deangirl not because i relate to dean but because i can empathize

[aliasl]

and i'm going to rope bobby into this because everybody loves bobby and he's such a good dad......... but he is EXACTLY all the things you criticize dean for. bobby is angry (you wouldn't describe him as nice), bobby yells, bobby throws insults around, bobby asks how other people are feeling and then proceeds to give the advice of "now, bottle that shit up," and when you finally break through his exterior to get him to talk about his own feelings, he might spout something "abusive" like "i'm exhausted from helping YOU". but does that make bobby abusive?? i'd say not.

because the thing is supernatural is a show about men who often HAVE TO suppress their feelings in order to get the job done/ save the world, and even the most "enlightened" of them (sam) exhibit toxic masculinity traits of reflexively disparaging each other, being quick to act violently, suppressing "feminine" emotions like genuine compassion, avoiding casual intimacy (like hugs, which are reserved for if someone is dying), having a conditioned anger response rather than show fear - and the whole show is a journey of why they are the way they are and how they change

nobody is perfect here, and nobody is completely unforgivable.

abuse is purposeful, like john winchester, who had a history of neglecting and mistreating his sons - was confronted about it - and never changed his ways. he was abusive on purpose, in an effort to turn his sons into what he wanted: obedient soldiers

just to zero back in on dean: if he exhibits abusive traits, it's not on purpose, and you know that because he wants his family to be happy - he's willing to die for that. but he IS trapped in abusive cycles, and it's not because "he's poison" or incapable of change. we saw him get worse (picture from season 1 to ~ season 9); he can get better.

you think sam/cas/jack would call dean abusive? no. they know him. they understand and have empathy for him. they love him and know he loves them. they've just been trapped in a maze specifically designed to push their buttons and there was never time to deal, and straight up dean's self esteem has a long history of being so bad that he feels too guilty to just focus on himself and resolve his issues. his definition of selflessness/bravery is to bury your feelings as much as possible and help other people. sorry he explodes sometimes. that doesn't make him an abuser.

whenever i see someone arguing that dean's abusive toward sam and/or cas and/or jack, their argument almost always boils down to "dean didn't think/feel/believe/say/do what someone else wanted him to" with a side of "dean was mean to my blorbo" and it's so frustrating.