#i'll tag as appropriately as i can; lmk if there are further tags i should add

[svtskneecaps]

thank you for bearing with my purgatory posting and i'm also glad to see i'm not the only one who still has this fungus eating away at my brain matter. seeing other purgatory posting in the tag makes me feel better lmfao.

i'm not done btw, posting will (probably) continue as i revisit vods. wanted to extend a thanks in the interim, since i know how contentious the event was in the moment. i kinda thought the general consensus was most people hated thinking about it, but there's been a weird amount of engagement and yknow other people talking. makes me happy to know i'm not alone here!

[love-songs-for-emma]

This isn't an ask as such, it didn't seem appropriate to pull it out of the tags to reblog to empathize over our related losses.

Also, I am so autistic, so I worry about going about things wrong so my apologies upfront if this breaks Tumblr social norms, but also I guess the older sibling in me, just couldn't leave that unacknowledged in my tags.

Hi hello I am the op of the Hannibal's defiance of god post

I'm an older sibling, though it doesn't matter the details of how I lost my baby brother, it should have been preventable, and even had it not been, it makes the universe feel stormily unbalanced in my experience, losing a sibling, just a big hole of overwhelming emotions where there used to be so much life

Anyway I don't want to be soppy in your DM's or whatever, I just wanted to send you a big brother hug I guess, some empathy and support at least. No matter how long it's been, there is always that empty place where your sibling is supposed to be

Then I saw that you're also chronically ill & disabled on my way over here, so apparently we have other things in common that are less heart wrenching so I am also generally saying hello, nice to meet you, in the most awkward way possible. *Waves like a strange nervous little gremlin*

(post being referenced)

hi !! first off,, if you'd rather i didnt answer this publicly *pls* lmk and ill remove the post asap. i'm also a gremlin who's unsure of tumblr social norms from time to time lol

secondly,, thank u So so much for reaching out. this was incredibly sweet of u & made me v emotional to read (/positive). *a big hug from a younger grieving sibling right back at you*

there is so much to say about losing a sibling and i worry if i start, i'll never stop (which is already true seeing as it's been years and i've written countless words about this specific grief). i relate so much to the things you've said here; dead siblings are a phantom limb we'll always be trying to move. i don't think there'll come a day where something big happens and i don't think of calling them.

there's a reddit comment i came across years ago talking about grief that i'll never forget and i think it's always worth sharing, especially to someone like you who i think will appreciate and understand it:

"In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life."

and because i can't shut up about grief, here's a spoken word poem that brings me comfort. particularly the ending,

"We are not created or destroyed, // We are constantly transferred, shifted and renewed. // Everything we are is given to us. // Death does not come when a body is too exhausted to live // Death comes, because the brilliance inside us can only be contained for so long. // We do not die. We pass on, pass on the lightning burning through our throats. // When you leave me I will not cry for you // I will run into the strongest wind I can find // And welcome you home."

i don't know what i believe in this world, but i know that our siblings do live on through us, in all the ways they affected us and the stories we tell. and this pain will be with us forever, but there is a life to be lived in between all of that. and sharing them with others is part of it. and it is a gift to have known them and get to share them in moments like this with others.

gah! i know u came here to comfort me (despite me giving u all these comforting words in return too) but u truly *have*; i feel comforted by being given a space to talk about them. i imagine you feel it too: the way it's a little taboo to talk of the dead at all, the avoidance of statements that make people ask questions. i try to still talk freely about the ones i've lost, but people hear "dead" and don't think of a real person who once was Everything to u and So Full Of Life. (similar to what i was saying in the tags of your god post,, mischa is more than just a Dead Girl Trauma Backstory of hannibal's. she's real. she was there. she was *alive*.)

if you've made it through all that,, well congrats! you've got a peek into our new friendship; i am either silent (overwhelmed/Goin Thru It) or saying All Of The Words Ever! regardless, thank u again for reaching out & i'm happy to have met you, even and especially if thru a lil trauma-bonding. hehe♡ be well, luv!