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heereandthere · 1 year ago

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So. I'm Alive! (Life Update)

I logged onto this account to try and find something I remembered having buried in my drafts, and since this thing feels kind of like a time capsule to my time as a teenager, I felt like it was semi-appropriate to do a life update since the last time I was here.

When I used this account, I was between 15 and 16 years old, and I am now 20! Holy shit! I'm like. An adult-adult, and that's still completely bonkers to me. I used this account BEFORE THE PANDEMIC. The person who created this Tumblr just outright does not exist anymore and that's INSANE.

Not only am I a proper adult, but I'm also a COLLEGE JUNIOR. I'm so proud to tell you all that I am, in fact, studying theatre and theatre performance on a professional level. I'm the secretary for the theatre-based fraternity on campus and am currently president-elect leading up to the election we'll be doing at the next meeting when the current president steps down. I'm also a part of the theatre for young audiences program as an actor, in beginning rehearsals for my second year with them, and am slated to perform in both mainstage shows this semester (out of the 10 shows we've put on or are planning to put on since I came here, I've been cast/performed in 7!). And on top of all that, I'm slated to be performing in SCOTLAND in the foreseeable future! I'm a busy bee!!

Personal life has been kind of a clusterfuck, mostly courtesy of the pandemic. But I don't really want to focus on a very, VERY dark part of my life other than telling you all that I've finally gotten much-needed diagnoses and coping skills. My obsessive-compulsive ass got and will likely try to continue to be counseled, y'all! It's still an uphill battle, but I'll fight it until I take my last breath. :) I mean, hell, I got the motivation to CLEAN today! If that's not indicative of improvement considering what a mess my room has looked like for the past two years, I don't know what is!

I'm also very proud to report that I have a friend group I feel very accepted and comfortable in. It took a very long time for me to find my "people", and I really think I have here; the theatre department has been so kind and welcoming, and I really do love and cherish the people I work with. Several of them are graduating next semester, which is DEVASTATING, but I know they're all going to do amazing things. I wouldn't trade a single one of them for the world. The same goes for every single one of my non-theatre friends, for though they be few, I would do anything for each and every one of them. They've collectively made this whole "growing up" business so much easier to cope with.

Finally, and I make a point to talk about this because it changed my life so much, Be More Chill is now a chapter in my life I've left in the past. I still love the musical dearly, but it's become a part of my personal history rather than my current obsession and I've made my peace with that. It and musical theatre will always be a huge part of me (obviously, since theatre is my chosen profession), yet my interests have and will continue to change. That's life, baby!

And I want to cap this off by saying, if you paid any mind to this blog at any point, thank you. Thank you for indulging in a really weird journey piloted by a really weird teenager and thank you for paying mind to this post by an equally weird but better adjusted adult. I made this blog when I was at an incredibly low point in my life and having gone through the drafts and seen the unsent posts I wrote about what I was going through, I've made it... so insanely far since the last time I was here.

After a lot of hemming and hawing, I really do think it's finally time to let this blog rest, even though I already haven't touched it for quite some time. I'm still active on Tumblr, though, so if you're interested in getting back in touch or reading some new fic I've been working on for Good Omens, you can find me over at @antiquarianandunusual. You can also find me on AO3 under the same name, or Twitter as AmazingMrFell.

With that said, time for teenage me to rest easy. We made it, bestie. :)

~Heere (Sam)

#heere says things #personal #personal post

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crazydoodlez · 2 years ago

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Give me your replacement cops headcanons please!!

THANK YOU!

Okay so I developed a lot of these guy's headcanons with @mentallyunstableartist so these will seem similar to the headcanons they posted on their spooky month head canon blog.

DISCLAIMER I'm going off of my foggy memory of how they acted in the Storytime animation (I really need to rewatch it) so!

-These two are total goofs

-If there was nothing holding them back from killing (who they think) are the bad guys they'd go on a murder spree. Which is why the higher ups stuck them to watch the security cameras

-Yea their main jobs are watching the security cameras and also answering any local 911 calls. They themselves rarely go out to patrol due to how unhinged these fuckers are.

-Shotgun Menden is Shotty's full name

-Captain Hugh is Cap's full name

-Their birth names are Sanders (Shotty) and Chris (Cap'n). Only each other knows this and they promised to take that information to their graves

-They had their names legally changed to their nicknames and no one else knows them as anything else

-These two place bets CONSTANTLY. Since they're stuck with nothing else to do but watch the cameras they bet all the time. They mostly bet on John and Jack and watching how these two Lovebirds interact.

-The lovebirds (their nickname for John n Jack) tend to forget there's a camera in their offices so Shotty and Cap'n have seen Alllllll the lovey dovey stuff they do.

-Shotty is the one to win most of the bets. They've gotten so much money from Captain this way.

-Shotty is a They/them monarch you can't change my mind

-These fuckers have NO TIME for romance they are simply CHAOTIC BESTIES and have been since childhood.

(they've only fucked once but that's because shotty lost a bet I will not elaborate)

-Shotty has named their shotgun Shotty Jr. Captain is the only one allowed to touch it and even THEN. He's on thin ice.

-Captain is just slightly, slightly less unhinged than Shotty. He becomes More Unhinged when around them however.

-I'm stealing your headcanon that Captain flirts like a motherfucker its my headcanon now

-Also I'm taking your "He flirted with all three at once" headcanon and adding that Shotty dared him to do that

-Shotty has a really good auctioner voice. You know the "CANIGETTATWENTYDOLLAHTWENTYDOLLACANIGETTA TWOOOOOOOO HUNDRED DOLLAHSDOIHAVEANYTAKERSTWOHUNDREDDOLLAHTWOHUNDREDDOLLAH SOLD TO THE MAN IN THE FRONT ROW!"

-Shotty also has a fantastic narrator voice and voices over some of the camera stuff they and cap watch.

-These two goof off and never do their job properly. Evermore would fire them but like. He's short on cops and what else is he supposed to do with these idoits

-When Cap and Shotty fist bump, shotty says "Chaka-powww" in a kind of whispery voice.

-The only time captain has won bets are the following:

When his and Shotty's favorite teams were playing against each other these two got drunk off their asses and Shotty bet some Unhinged Shit if their team lost. Captain's team won and he has Never Been Smugger. He always brings it up to Shotty, much to their chagrin

Captain bet that Jack would propose to John first if ever such a thing happened, and he won

(Speaking of these two show up to Jack and John's wedding despite not being invited and just get drunk off their asses while betting even more)

-Shotty CAN and WILL bite you if you get on their bad side.

-If the 911 phone ever goes off while something interesting is happening on camera, these two will either hastily scream "NOT IT", play rock paper scissors, fight over who has to answer it, or all of the above in that order.

-John and Jack catch on one day that they're watching their actions like a Soap opera and to piss them off Jack taped a little paper to the camera that reads "Not today :>" and then proceeded to fluster the hell out of John. Jokes on them Shotty and Cap still had access to audio.

I'll add on with a reblog if I think of any more but there you go!! These are mostly Shotty centered since that's who I rp as but yeah!!!! :D

#doodlez answers things #doodlez does a write

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haretic · 5 months ago

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Present Day; 30/06/24 | Present Time; 1:53am

public pools

went back through my old diary blog and found some truly insane ramblings. i've always had a major amount of imposter syndrome about my issues so seeing it in retrospect, while disturbing, was really helpful.

some of the active psychosis ramblings were pretty funny though. I'm not sure how i get it in my head that i'm dying a painful death or that i'm actually an angel or my brain has been uploaded to the internet (that which is now true to a certain degree)

but still

i prefer this current blog, other people can actually see my posts here, and even if i don't expect interaction or anything, its helpful to know that someone, somewhere out there, even if its just Angel (who will never be a "just" in any other sense but in this case the sentence structure requires it) can all see my posts and i am not truly alone

because are you ever truly alone when youre on the internet?

its as scary a though as it is a calming one, and while i do think the internet is (for the most part) dead, its still nice to see other peoples puttering about in their own niches.

idk. just my evening thoughts

of more thoughts. I'm not sure the guy i like likes me that much. He seems plenty interested in me, but i just don't know if its in that way. my friends say yes, but i dont want to jump the gun and ruin things. we were friends before this and i'd hate to not go back to it afterwards.

we're going to hang out tomorrow. he got an invite from a friend to go somewhere also and he said if i wanted to come along i could but if not he wouldnt go. i said no and if he wanted to he could still go, i didnt want to be the reason he missed out on anything, and he said it was okay because he could always go later in the day.

i know that was objectively a good answer, i'm not sure i should expect anything more, but i'm always looking for someone to say "no! you're enough for me! if you don't want to, we won't go, together". which is an extremely selfish thought.

one of my biggest flaws is my selfishness i feel. i always want more than i've got, and feel empty without it. I know thats ridiculous, i'm working on it. We'll hang out tomorrow and i'll enjoy it. He's going to introduce me to his cats. Or cat, because one of them is shy and may not want to say hi.

i'm talking to him now, prying into his personal life. i want to know if he has a boyfriend. i feel like he does? i don't know though. i started writing this as a distraction so i wouldn't just do nothing in anticipation of his attention. really i don't know if this is a crush or craving closeness. i like to think i've gotten better at being by myself, and being alone. but there are still loads of times i crave closeness with someone. sometimes that can't be helped. but i've felt like this for a few months, longer than those relapses into selfish want usually last. but then again, i don't even know if he likes me back. we'll see i suppose.

i've been thinking a lot about the pools i used to go to as a kid. there are two, i drove by one today.

the outdoor one was smaller, it has a diving board, and its got this giant shower right near the entrance, as well as showers in both washrooms. they've got grassy areas for you to lay out your towels and stuff, but they've also got a massive greenspace that holds the toddler pool (a small hole in the ground that holds maybe a half a foot of water. i used to lay in it and stare up at the sky in it. just enough water i was always wet but i didn't have to put in the energy to float). for whatever reason they just won't connect that area to the main pool. one time my brother drank too much water and threw up there. he had had a massive mix of soft drinks at the airport earlier that day before my dad had landed in from a flight. at least i think those were on the same days, because i think thats part of why he was sick. i remember trying to touch the bottom of the deep end, near the diving board, and i remember jumping off the board. it was so daunting as a kid, but when i went back a few years ago, it seemed like barely a hop. i remember going there with my childhood bestfriend (someone i no longer talk to) and i remember burning my feet on the hot concrete running back and forth ignoring the no running signs. i remember getting sleepy and insisting on my mom to cuddle in the water. i always felt safe there. i could crawl right in her lap and the water was like a big blanket. i wish she had held me more in there. i remember playing mermaids and all the other typical kid things there. its a happy memory for me

the indoor one was much bigger, they had lanes and more fun splash pads and a slide. i remember how the stairs felt all cold and grimy and sandy as i jogged up them. my legs always hurt after it, but i had fun. the showers here were massive. for some reason old women would get absolutely butt naked there. it was only one wrong 90* turn to see ten fully naked grandmas lathering up in the pink soap out of the wall dispensers. i'm not even sure they ever even went in the pool. i remember a birthday party my other and much older childhood bestfriend had there. i got a little chihuahua toy as a party favor, and i slept with him every night for ages and ages. i remember playing there with my friends all the time, but it was never the outside pool. games there could be more fun, there was much more space, but there was always such a lack of natural lighting. either way, its also a happy memory for me

regardless of the pool, i always remember the showers. i had this habit of bringing the little hotel shampoo and conditioners to these things and showering fully with them. i don't know why i did that, i suppose i thought if i was going to shower i should do it properly instead of just a rinse. i'm sure nowadays i wouldn't care, but it was a whole procedure for me. i had to do it otherwise the pool day wasn't complete, and otherwise i felt sick

i have a lot of weird procedures like that, though. i guess thats normal for me. i like them, i don't find them harmful, i don't mind indulging them. i don't see why some people think its a bad thing. some people just like to keep organized, thats not a crime is it?

either way. i'm going to bed now, he's not dating anyone. i relapsed earlier again. i look forward to seeing him tomorrow. i hope hes interested in me. i don't plan on making any moves until i can see him in person and maybe reassess his feelings to me, but for now i'm just excited to leave my house for the first time in a week and actually see other people. i'm stoked.

#dear diary #blogging #journaling #thought dump

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elistransblahg · 6 years ago

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1 year on T!

And boy do I have some updates! Early disclaimer for some medical terminology some trans guys may not be comfortable with.

So my dose was raised last week to two pumps of 200mg/2ml compounded cream. I am now on what is generally considered a full dose of testosterone. I don't regret taking it slow, but I'm ready to speed it up a bit!

Before we get to the physical bit, we're gonna talk about the mental stuff.

My anger issues have essentially died since starting T. I feel like my life has meaning and that I have stuff to look forward to and as a whole I'm just a much happier person. That being said, dysphoria is still a little bitch. My need for top surgery is growing and my means to get there is not (although I do know what surgeon I want). I'm so far detached from my chestnuts that even seeing other people's is dysphoria-inducing. Bottom dysphoria is also a thing now. I definitely want a packer, I'm not just debating on it anymore.

Despite that though, I'm overall a happier and more laid-back person than I used to be.

On to physical stuff! Same as always, top to bottom. Another disclaimer for those who may not be comfortable with medical terminology. I apologize for the photo quality, it's cold in my house and I'm very sleepy lmao

My hairline has definitely changed, though it's still not at all concerning. It's made more obvious by my widow's peak, which is less obvious here because my roots are coming in lol

As you can also slightly see in this, my eyebrows haven't really changed but I do have a lil bit of facial hair coming in! It's just... very blond. It's very there, but very blond. I have three long hairs under my chin and a little mustache goin on. I tried to take a better picture of it but alas, the lighting in my house won't let me.

Little comparison for facial structure, again sorry for the sleepy. Anyway... I don't feel I've changed too much since day one, changed the side I part my hair on but... correct me if I'm wrong loooool

Voice! So! I posted a quick song a little while ago and that's how my singing voice sounds now. I was never comfortable posting my singing anywhere but I'm getting there! I will be posting a couple videos of me talking later. Its bizarre to me that my singing voice has changed so much more drastically than my speaking voice. When I listen to my own voice now, whether just talking or singing, I'm actually pretty happy with how far I've come. I like how it sounds. On its own, I feel like my voice passes pretty well as a stereotypical gay man's. I'm gonna keep training it and hope it drops more c:

I have noticed no change in shoulders. I'm starting to work out though so here's hoping.

No difference in chestnuts since the last update, but since this is the one year update I'm gonna say stuff anyway. Before starting testosterone I wasn't one to bind very often because of health concerns, so I can safely say that my chest sags and no longer has any kind of self-support. I do bind regularly now as I'm starting to pass to the general public, and it honestly has not changed the shape of my chest further. My chest has always been pretty insensitive to any kind of touch, but surprisingly enough it's even more so now.

My arms are hairier (though I had monkey arms to begin with) and some months ago I had bumps all over em where more hair was growing in. Those have, for the most part, healed. The hair is blond. I'm a redhead. Why is everything blond.

I don't have any chest hair, but I do have a slight happy trail. No other hair on my stomach though.

Hips! They've lost a little bit of their shape but I was/am a very curvy person and I can only hope T will fix that.

Disclaimer for bottom talk! No pictures, don't worry!

Every time I say this and every time it's worse. The ass hair. The fuckin ass hair is real. And real fuckin annoying.

As for the front end... My clit is still growing. It looks like a lil penis. It's cute. No I will not be sharing pictures. Don't ask. I'm tired of it.

My vagina still discharges and cleans itself and all that. A lot of guys report being dry after being on T for a while, but as of yet I don't have that issue. Can't speak for the sex stuff though since I don't do that.

Okay! End bottom talk!

On to legs!

They match my arms! Very, very hairy (I didn't actually have much hair on my legs pre-t) and very, very blond (it's like my appendages don't know I'm a redhead)! Had bumps on them too while more hair was growing in, and that's also healed.

I've gone up half a shoe size since starting T. Have not gotten any taller. Did not expect to lmao.

I have started dieting and lost 20 pounds in the past four or five months. I'm so good at keeping track loooool

I'm starting weight training, so hopefully that'll help with my shape and with losing weight.

If there is something I missed or something you want to know about my experience with taking testosterone, shoot me an ask and I'll answer when I can. I don't update this blog much but I am on every day c:

Okay, I think that's it! I'm going to bed! Goodnight!

#ftm #transgender #hrt #testosterone #ftm hrt #long post

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