#i'll reblog with mental health + lgbtq help links

[catspluscrows]

TW: this is kinda a vent/request. do u do emoji anons? if u do, can i be 💫? anyways, i don't think i'm gonna make it, the voice in my head is too loud. i hate myself so much, i'm so uncomfortable with myself. i'm non-binary and i feel so un wanted. i've been told 2 times today to just kill myself and i'm contemplating just doing it. the voice is so loud....i found my old razor blade, was thinking of cutting again. yeah idk how to deal with my feelings but can you write smth with oikawa? please~

AHHH PLEASE DON’T DO IT 💫 ANON I’M HERE FOR YOU ILY & IM SORRY I KEPT YOU WAITING TUMBLR DECIDED TO FUCK ME OVER AND DELETE MY WORK BY RELOADING 

TW: suicide, i swore above 

Oikawa noticed how you weren’t acting like yourself. Between talking less and the self depreciating jokes you'd make while you both were together, Oikawa was worried. He was especially worried today. "Where's Y/n?" Iwaizumi stopped rolling out the ball bin to tell him you went home early, saying your stomach hurt. "Shit. I have to go." Not questioning the captain, Iwaizumi nods and continues procedure. Oikawa was terrified. 

While trying to open your front door with his spare key he was terrified. He was terrified while running through your house, looking for you. His stomach was heavy with fear, weighing him down while he opened your bed room door. The bottom drawer was open, clothing all across the floor. Framed photos rested on top of the various articles of your wardrobe. Shards of glass and torn fabric were left ignored as Oikawa carried on, knowing he needs to find you right now. The bathroom door is cracked. You must be in there. Kicking open the door in a rush, Oikawa is right. He's not sure if he's glad he's found you of if he wished you weren't even home. He wishes you were at volleyball practice with him, laughing when Iwaizumi hits him. Instead of seeing your heavenly smile he sees your contemplating frown. Hot water is causing the mirrors to fog as you twirl something so daintily. He watches, trying to connect the dots with his own hazy mind. There's glass on both the sink and floor from the shattered mirrors. The pieces remaining in their place are foggy so you can't see anything. Something reflects his face back at him and into your vision which horrifies you. It's a razor. "Don't do it! Please!" Oikawa shouts it before realizing it. He's also kneeling on the ground before he realized he feel. He's lost all sense with reality, refusing to believe this scene. He doesn't want to think you're actually about to do this. He can't. "Please don't!" Clutching onto the wall, Oikawa says it again without yelling. His voice is still loud since he's afraid his crying will drown his pleads out. "Why shouldn't I?" You ask with a steady voice. It's strained by what he can assume is crying by the wet splotches covering once rosy blushes he'd give you with his words. "During chemistry my partner said I should drink the chemicals. Maybe she'd get lucky and they'd kill me." Letting out a sad laugh, you add "Maybe I'd be lucky and it'd kill me." Oikawa can't say anything. He's thinking so quickly that the words clog in his throat. Nothing has scared Oikawa more than this. Not Kageyama being a better setter. Not losing his place in nationals to Ushijima. He's never felt anything as bone chilling as this. The sight of you contemplating this, even going through with it if he was a moment later. "I'm not worth it. I shouldn't even be here. It's a mistake." You continue while staring at your reflection. The image makes you sick but you can't look away. "I want this pain to go away. I want to be accepted. I won't be accepted. It won't go away." Your eyes are trying to cry but they can't since you haven't had anything to drink since you thought about taking all your medications but Oikawa was over. "Not unless I make it." The feeling of cold metal against your skin never happens. Instead you feel warmth and salty tears on your neck. Oikawa is holding you, directing the blade so that it's tearing his uniform sleeve. Gently pushing your head onto his chest so you can't see how despaired he is over this situation. It's not about him. "I'm sorry," Oikawa cries. "I'm sorry I didn't notice. I'm sorry I never knew how to help." That's all he can say. All he can manage to get out are "I'm sorry"'s and "I wish I knew"'s. Realizing that he can't fix the past, Oikawa makes himself change the station on his broken radio. "We'll do better together." He proposes quickly. "I'm here for you. I always have been. Please," The words are flying out with how scared he is. So quickly he begins hiccuping between his emotional words. "Don't do this. Let me help you. Let me help you love yourself." He pulls you in tighter, scared that if he loosens his grip at all you'll slide through his strong arms. Oikawa can't stop the ugly tears coming down his face. You'd be weeping by now if your body physically could. Instead your lip quivers, hating yourself but hating the idea of leaving Oikawa more. Oikawa cries harder when you brokenly say, "I'll stay. I'll stay only for you."