#i'll probably add the memoir in a diff post because i .... cannot F'ing PICK .... which one i want to do so i might ..d o a bunch and just

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okay, well, oops this is long ... i guess tessa likes to talk. this is kinda interview style ( except for the first question )... like if you were to sit down w/ tessa as a youngin’ and ask her these questions yourself ... which is why she’s hesitant to answer some of them. i guess she’s afraid you’re gonna tattle lol.

Q: how do you represent your label? what is your temperament?

A: this is only question i’m going to answer in a different format because i don’t think tessa would understand. tessa’s label is ‘the enigma’ ... and she’s just that. hard to understand ... hard to figure out ... you never know what she’s actually thinking or what her reasons for doing certain things are ( her motivation is usually pretty clear - by reason i mean her way of/approach  ). when everything with candle cove happened, this got worse ... she started to have intense intrusive thoughts about how much POWER the show had; she was curious about the inner workings and felt guilty because of it. her temperament is melancholic if we go by the O4TS. tessa ( child!tessa ) is fairly quiet amongst her peers ( with adults & close friends not so much lol ) ... she’s a good follower, constantly trying to impress ... to do something that’s good and BIG enough that someone will notice. she likes attention in theory, though ... if someone praises her ( she’s not used to it ) it’s nice for, like, ... a second and a half and then she’s uncomfortable and will try to change the subject ... sink back into the shadows. being lowkey invisible has it’s perks sometimes, ya know. i feel like i didn’t answer this fully so i’ll ‘prolly add more / post a HC later.

Q: favorite subject or after school activity?

A: ‘ science! i -- i like science ‘cos i like t’make things an also i like t’do that after school also. well ... ’ the child shrugs, leaning to pick at a scab on her knee, ‘ i like t’make stuff explode when daddy an’ jake are at jake’s games! an ‘sides ... i’m sleepin’ by the time they get home so i don’t even get yelled at! ’

Q: what do you want to be when you grow up?

A: ‘ i wanna work for NASA ... i wanna make a great big spaceship, y’know, like y’see on - on, on TV an’ i wanna make one that’s real big. ’ she gestures, holding her arms out as far as they’d go, ‘ ‘least this big. an’ i wanna make it so, so that anybody who wants t’go on a space trip can an’ ... an’ even the whole world if they want. don’t even gotta pay money for it. ’

Q: what are your favorite books, television shows, and movies?

A: ‘ uh, well, i don’t watch tv ‘lot durin’ football season but when i do, i like t’watch three’s company an’ cheer’s. i like t’fold pages of books in dad’s library when he’s not home. sometimes i find magazines in jake’s room but i don’t touch those ‘cos i don’t want him t’get mad. ’ she takes a deep breath and exhales with a giggle, ‘ i like all movies ‘specially stand by me an  -- an’ oh, i like annie, too. ’

Q: what makes you happy? what makes you sad?

A: ‘ m’happy when jake wins games ‘cos dad’s happy an’ so is jake, i like sitting on the driveway after it rains a lot. i like to dig holes in the backyard an’, an’ i put stuff in the holes n’ try t’find what i buried after ‘least two weeks. i like the cat that runs ‘round the neighborhood - i’m their mom. makin’ stuff in dad’s garage makes me happy ... specially after i found out how t’use the fish saw. ’ she frowns to set the mood. ‘ makes me sad when i gotta make myself dinner but there aren’t anymore noodles left. makes me sad when i make somethin’ an’ it doesn’t work or dad n’ jake tell me it’s not good. makes me sad at school when they run outta pudding cups ... and sittin’ by myself outside makes me sad, too. makes me REAL sad when we gotta go grocery shoppin’ an’ jake STEPS ON the white squares ‘cos that’s lava an’ your not s‘pposed to. ’

Q: what is your favorite thing to do?

A: ‘ my favorite thing t’do is create an’ learn. ’

Q: have any pets or favorite animals?

A: ‘ no pets but uh -- i, oh, i can’t pick a favorite! i do like, um, big cats! they’re juss’ like, well ... not juss’ like, but real ... some’ah the things that, that they do is real close t’tha things that lil’ cats do, too! ’

Q: what is something that makes your family special?

A: ‘ um, we got secret family recipes? an’ ... no mom? we clean up the backyard and catch fireflies together sometimes! oh -- and dad let’s us climb on the furniture ... s’real fun! ’

Q: do you have imaginary friends?

A: ' they’re not imaginary! ’ they were. ‘ they juss’ like to hide ��cos they’re shy so i do the talkin’. i’ve got three friends that play with me if i’m feeling sad or sittin’ by myself. they go to another school in a tree somewhere, but i don’t have a car so i can’t visit 'em -- but they come an’ visit me everyday! ’ 

Q: who is your best friend? who do you not like?

A: ‘ i like bein’ ‘round adam the most, so, adam’s my best friend ... even though i know he thinks i’m a lil’ weird. that’s okay ‘cos i like that he thinks that and i think i’m teachin’ him some stuff even if he pretends to not want to learn it. ’ she shrugs, ‘ i’d be real lonely without him. and, and i don’t like, ’ she wiggles a little bit, crossing her arms with a huff - very obviously worked up, ‘ i don’t like people who are mean t’him or t’me or anybody else that sits alone at lunch sometimes. I’M the only one that’s allowed to do that. ’

Q: who do you want to be friends with but haven’t yet, and why not?

A: ‘ i dunno, ’ she shrugs quietly, ‘ i don’t wanna make new friends an’ then have ‘um disappear or get hurt, y’know? that would make me feel real sad. ’

Q: who was your first crush?

A: ‘ uh, ’ she drops her head and plays with the hem of her shirt, ‘ kevin bacon. ’

Q: what is the hardest thing about being a kid?

A: ‘ when, when, when adults won’t listen t’you ‘cos they think you got nothin’ important to say! ’ she huffs, ‘ jokes on them ‘cos i got lot’s’a important things to say! i’m gonna create a new planet one day and none of ‘em will be allowed. ’

Q: if you had three wishes, what would they be?

A: ‘ t’have mom back ‘cos she could make dad pay more attention, i think. t’make jake play an actual fun sport that we could both play, maybe... and, um, for the, for those kids t’be okay. ‘specially ryan’s sister. he’s not doin’ good. ’

Q: what is one thing that scares you?

A: ‘ sometimes i think bad stuff and i get nervous that other people can hear it when i’m thinkin’ it but, to help myself not be scared i say ‘if you can hear me ... cough!’ in my head ... which only helps me not be scared if nobody coughs ... oh and also nail guns, horace horrible, blue gummy worms, the drain, ’ she’s been afraid of drains since she could remember, ‘ and hard pretzels. ’

Q: if you had to give away all of your toys but one, which one would you keep?

A: ‘ i’d give ‘way all of my toys ‘cept for my gee ‘cos i sleep with them every night. ’ gee was a stuffed fox with part of tessa’s baby blanket wrapped around it’s neck. ‘ and ... don’t tell dad or jake, but i put a secret compartment in them ... if you reach in right behind gee’s ears, i got a secret hiding spot there for lots of stuff. ’

Q: where do you see yourself in ten years?

A: ‘ i’m gonna be living in a house that i built all by myself with two dogs and one rabbit. i’m going to have a garage on the side of my homemade house with every tool i could ever want ... ever. i’m gonna build my friend’s houses too! ’

Q: what is one of your favorite memories?

A: ‘ oh, oh -- at the beach two years ago. i built, i built a sandcastle on dad’s arms and foot while he was ASLEEP! he -- he had no idea until he woke up! he didn’t know! he slept through all of it! i did a real good job, though ... we got ice cream after, too. it was a real good day. i found a lot of shells that day, too. i still have ‘em. yep. they’re sittin’ in a lil’ jar in my room. ’

Q: what do you wish you didn’t have to do at all? 

A: ‘ walk in the hallway at school ‘cos that’s a lot’ah eyes. i don’t like it. it feels like, like y’know those lil’ ants, the red ones? ’ she holds her hand out, palm flat and facing upward. she begins pinching at the skin, ‘ the ones that bite? it feels like those are crawling all up and down my body, biting me whenever they feel like it when i’m walking through the hallway at school. ’

Q: from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed, what would the perfect day look like?

A: ‘ it would be a ... hm ... it would be a day in the spring time and i would be allowed to wake up whenever i wanted ... ‘prolly around 10? and i would come downstairs and i would make a ham and cheese sandwich with mustard on one side ... EXTRA crust. i’d eat that with a glass of ice milk and then i’d fall back ‘sleep on the couch ‘till 12. after my nap i’d wake up and go outside and i’d play outside allllllll day. ALL day ... with tools and PAINT and i’d have all of the supplies i could ever need!  i could ‘prolly build a CITY with all of that time! and then ... and then i’d come inside when it started to get dark and then i’d eat dinner ... chicken cutlets with applesauce and then i’d go back outside to ‘prolly count the stars. there are so many! don’t want any of ‘em to feel left out. ’

EXTRA CANDLE COVE EDITION:

Q: what was your first impression of candle cove?

A: ‘ scary, ’ she shakes her head and shuts her eyes, lifting a hand to cover one ear, ‘ real scary ... but i hadn’t ever seen a show like it before so ... i guess i liked it since i kept watchin’? ’

Q: favorite and least favorite character?

A: ‘ i DON’T like horace horrible ... i don’t like the shape of his head ... looks like a lightbulb ... which makes no sense ‘cos he’s NOT a GOOD IDEA. ’ she shrugs, ‘ my favorite was pirate percy ‘cos i wanted to help them a lot. ’

Q: why did or didn’t you stop watching candle cove?

A: ‘ i didn’t stop watchin’ ‘cos ... i wanted to learn ... more, ’ it feels horrible to say ... like she’d forgotten about the dead children. ‘ the group ... y’know, we were all payin’ attention to the tapes ... that’s all we paid attention to for a real long time. i juss’ wanted t’know why ... y’know ... what if ... i dunno ... i could control people like that ... juss’ made me wonder ‘bout it, is all. ’

Q: why didn’t you tell anyone about candle cove, or why didn’t the person you told tell anyone else?

A: ‘ ‘cos we promised! we promised not to tell anybody and i wasn’t gonna be the one that broke that promise. my dad wouldn’t’a done anything anyways. ’

Q: a recurring nightmare you have featuring candle cove?

A: ‘ almost every night i have a real bad scary dream about horace horrible coming into my room and sittin’ on my legs so i can’t move. he, he says he’s gonna hurt dad or jake if i make any noise an’ ... i don’t think i’d be able t’make noise even if i wanted to ‘cos, uh, y’know your body feels real heavy. anyways, he holds me on my bed and he tells my mom to come into my room and she’s got big claws for hands and she says real bad stuff to me ... real bad ... and, and i feel like she really means it. ’ she drops her gaze and hugs herself with her arms, ‘ an’, an’ mom, ’ she takes a finger and drags it hard against her arm and then her neck, ‘ mom ... mom kills me eh - ... she kills me every time an’ ... once i’m almost dead s’like ... i’m floatin’ ‘bove my body ‘cos then i see me on the bed bloody and mom and horace are laughing at me. ’