#i'll include a see results button so everyone can be involved

[terry-pratchett-book-bracket]

Hi all! So as my bio says, I'm running two other tournaments currently (@galavant-song-tournament and @indie-queer-movie-tournament) and the latter will take me until May to finish with but then I should have time for this. I'll make a proper intro post then as well and set up a bracket and whatnot. Basic info for anyone interested: I'll be including every published book written (or co-written) by Terry Pratchett, no matter if it's a novel, non-fiction, short story, or what. So submissions aren't necessary. I won't do plays or other media not published originally as a book. I'll accept propaganda at any time; I'll just file it away for now to use later so it's no trouble that we won't start for ages. (Also if someone's already done this bracket let me know; a quick search and I didn't find anything but idk, I only see some fandom content and could easily have missed it.)

[genuineformality]

It is extremely well known within my friends group that I do not like children. I don't have any, knew by the age of five that I didn't want any, and have been living my life doing everything I can to avoid them when at all possible.

This is not entirely accurate. I don't actually dislike children in principle, but I have yet to meet a child who didn't push one of my (many, complex, complicated, PTSD-created) buttons. Being in the company of children is a source of stress and anxiety, made all the worse by the memory of actually being a child, which were objectively the worst years of my life.

You generally can't say all of that, however. "Yeah, I'm not very child-friendly" is easier shorthand than trying to explain to anyone that their perfect offspring may, through no fault of their own, trigger a panic attack and if you need me, I'll be in the bathroom trying not to throw up.

However, being a person of a certain age means that the majority of my friends who are approximately my age now have kids and those kids are the age where their parents are bringing them to events, on trips, etc. Remaining friends with my friends means occasionally putting myself into situations where interacting with their children is necessary and every single time it is awkward, stressful, and I do my utmost to ensure that no one else is affected by the fact that I am actually just a pile of neuroses huddling inside a human skin.

My friends very much want me to be involved in their children's lives and I appreciate the sentiment. In some ways, I also want this. But the reality of my situation and theirs makes this exceedingly difficult for everyone, most especially the kids who do not understand why this single adult, who gives off extremely strong mom-vibes, alone in all of the adults in their lives, can't seem to get their shit together to interact with them in a useful, meaningful way. (Apparently from the child perspective, I'm just an immense weirdo who is simultaneously extremely off-putting and fascinating. Which doesn't make the experience better for anyone.)

The end result is that I have drifted significantly from my cis-het, child-bearing friends and have found my friends-group becoming younger and more queer with every passing year. I don't mind this, but I miss the friendships I used to have with people I still love dearly, but whose lives have taken a different trajectory than my own.

My old friends group has habitually invited Husbeast and me on non-child focused trips and that's largely how I've kept in touch with this group of friends over the last five years. In 2020, we were supposed to go on a trip with them, but the pandemic happened. And then in 2021, another year of pandemic. For 2022, we've rescheduled and completely changed what the trip is and who is included. The one we're going on now is extremely child-focused, because the five kids between four couples are aged 10 to 16, the perfect age(s) at which to see, explore, and appreciate the world around them. Husbeast and I are the only childfree couple between them all.

I've known that this was going to happen, but now we're a week out from leaving and the amount of dread I'm carrying is intense. The anxiety dreams are ridiculous. And a small sampling of my thoughts over the last three months reveals that I may look like a responsible adult, but I'm anything but: I should have politely declined the invitation. I should get my shit together and just get through it. Years of therapy have only sort of helped. It's going to be fine once we're on the ground. It's going to be a disaster.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that it will be fine. I am loved and supported. Husbeast knows all of these things about me (in glorious, excruciating detail) and fortunately loves kids, so he takes point on any and all child interactions. And these are my friends, who know what I'm like and in some cases know that particulars of why I'm like this (and if they don't know the particulars, they know the broad strokes). I wouldn't have agreed to this if I, at a much more sane and rational point in my life, hadn't weighed the pros and cons and eventually decided that I could do this.

This is fine.

[delora559blog-blog]

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