#i'll immediately block anyone who'll send me anon hate or the like

[barduil]

So… I have to get this out of my chest, and I’m going to be honest about it. Sorry, it got pretty long. 

I’ve worked on Forgotten Roads for over two years. It’s a fic that means a lot to me, that has been building in my mind for a long time. A bit more than a year ago, I finally started publishing it.

For a while, I got at least 10 comments per chapter. Which, let’s say it, is a pretty darn amazing average number, and I couldn’t be happier and thankful that my dear story got so much attention!

But then came the 5th chapter. It didn’t go very well at all compared to before, so I panicked a bit. Okay, a lot. Because it got 2 comments. Two when I was used to get at least ten. Ten days later, still nothing. I made a post on Tumblr saying that wow, what went wrong, I’m heartbroken, and no comments meant I wasn’t willing to continue because obviously pretty much no one cared anymore. Surprise, I got a bunch of comments in the next few hours (some from the same person I believe but anyway.) Of course I kept going, because I loved the story too much, and hey, maybe it was just the low chapter fics usually go through.

The next one, I got 9 comments, which is below what I was used to, but so I didn’t worry about it at all, because 9 comments is amazing and after the previous one it was really a lot, so I thought things were going up again!

But then, again, came the next chapter. The next chapter was a bit special. It was the chapter I’d been most looking forward to write, playing the scenes in my head over and over again over the past year, so I was extremely excited to share it. Naively, I thought that leaving my usual “please leave a comment if you liked this chapter, it means a lot to me” or the like wasn’t necessary because people would react to what happened in the chapter, right? They remembered how upset I was when no one commented, right? Well no they didn’t. The hits kept rising and rising, I even got a few new Kudos, but I was stuck at ONE comment for two days. You have to know that usually, you get most comments in the first three or four days because for some reason after that many readers think commenting is not worth it anymore (which isn’t true, it’s never too late to comment) or I don’t know. So before three days went by I edited my end notes and begged the next readers to comment. Surprise surprise, I got comments over the next days.

Next chapter, I was two months late because of my Big Bang. So, expecting everyone to be gone, I anticipated and once again I begged for people to comment, because it had been a while and I needed to know they were still there to carry on. And, thankfully, people commented! So I was relieved, they were still there, I could keep on giving this fic my time and my love and my sweat.

Which brings us to the latest chapter. And I’m sorry for the spoiler for those who maybe meant to read it, but this needs context. In fics, there’s usually a little (or big) peak of comments when the characters kiss for the first time, particularly if it’s a slow burn. Because hey, that’s what readers have been waiting for, right? So, thinking my begging in the previous chapter fresh in people’s mind, and knowing people usually comment on such chapters, I went back to my usual end notes. 

What. A. Mistake. 

Because despite all of the troubles with the previous chapters, despite some readers who commented on every chapter not reading anymore, I still got at least ten comments on those in the end, I guess mostly thanks to my begging.

But for the latest one, I got 5. It’s been almost three weeks now, so yeah. Five. I’m going to tell it straight away: I’m heartbroken. I’m upset and bitter and heartbroken. This chapter meant a lot to me. On top of their first kiss, which I worked hard to make worth the wait (over a year and almost 50k words! hell, I made a post about how I was writing it once, and got a bunch of notes on it which like, never happens on posts about my writing progress!) there was also a scene that I cared deeply about. So, seeing only half the number of comments that I usually get, on a chapter that was so important to me and that was supposed to get a bit more than usual because of its content, well, it did break my heart and it still hurts today.

It’s been three weeks, so I don’t expect any new comments until the next chapter. But will there be a next chapter? You know, I was so convinced this chapter would do well, I was so excited to share it, that it gave me the push to write the next one in just a few days. I thought “yay, I can update in two weeks! They won’t have to wait a month or more like usual!” But people weren’t there. I fell from very high. So now that chapter is just there taking the dust in a folder, because I don’t have the heart to reread it, correct it, and send it to editing. I’m two chapters from the end and I just don’t have the will to write them. I’m tired of the general mentality surrounding fanfiction. I’m tired to see writers kudosing my work but not leaving a comment when, as writers themselves, they should know better. I’m tired of people reading my end notes and/or my many reblogs about comments but not commenting anyway (this does not concern people with social anxiety or the like, I know it can be hard.) Same goes for artists, really. I’m tired because thanks to all this, I learned that it seems it takes BEGGING to get comments. Doesn’t that sound wrong to you? That writers have to beg to get some feedback on AO3?

Now, let’s be clear, in my case this isn’t about the number of comments. I know very well I get more than average. That I should be ‘thankful for what I get compared to others.’ The thing is, if I was used to get six comments on this fic and only got, let’s say, two or three, I would have made the same post. It’s like, I would never complain that my Emmett/John fic from The Raven got four comments, I never complained that my longest Russingon fic got 5 comments, because that’s to be expected. I know how to relativise depending on the fandom, the characters, etc, of the fic. But when it comes to Forgotten Roads, what was to be expected was ten comments because that’s what the chapters always got, even if twice, it was after I begged. So of course I’m going to be upset when a chapter gets much less than that, and such a chapter in particular.

Please, don’t give me the ‘you should write for yourself’ speech. If I wrote for myself I wouldn’t put it on the internet for everyone to see. I write for myself when I write my novel. When it comes to fanfiction, I write because I love the characters I write about, and because I want to share that love. You have to remember I’m not a native speaker. Writing is hard. It takes me days, often spread over weeks, if not months. Editing takes hours and I’m so thankful for the hard work my betas put into my stories. Writing is an awful lot of work. I need to feel like that awful lot of work that you guys get for free is worth it, and right now it doesn’t feel like it is. 

So, I’m going to put Forgotten Roads on the side. That chapter was the last straw. I can’t carry on like this because it hurts me too much and I care too much. You might say I shouldn’t put so much importance into fanfiction, but you need to know writing is all I have. Along with my friends, it’s one of the only things that make me happy. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’m not a failure. It’s the only thing I can get validation from. But now fanfiction is not helping me anymore, it’s hurting me. So I’m going to focus on my novel, like I did a bit more this past month. I know it’s not fair on the people who do comment and who do care, but I need a break. Just a break. I’m not giving up on fanfiction completely, but yeah. I just need a break. Maybe it’ll be two weeks, maybe two months. I don’t know. It’s not like I have many ideas right now anyway (nothing except Forgotten Roads for Barduil, just one for Gafou but given how my latest fic is doing I’m not sure I’ll ever give it a go, and birthday short fics (those I will do of course but I still have more than three months until then.)) 

I’m putting this in the tag, because this is important: the Barduil fandom is a dying fandom (and the Gafou fandom seems to be sadly already on its way there.) There’s no more art, and barely a few fics/updates per week. Most fics don’t require an AO3 account to comment. So, I beg of you. Comment on the fics you enjoyed. Simply say you liked that one shot very much, no matter how old it is. Simply tell the author you liked their update and can’t wait for the next one. Simply say you binge read that old long fic and loved it. We don’t need much. We don’t ask for much. Just a few words. Just ten seconds of your time. Just a voice. Please. What do we have to do to make you understand?