#i'll feel much better about the whole job and everything involved once i can experience it in person

[supercantaloupe]

i had my zoom meeting with maestro and the assistant conductor today to talk about the manager job and it all sounds okay to me (i'll feel more comfortable about the whole arrangement once i can come in and shadow the last two rehearsals this semester and get a feel for the job in person) but it's a little funny how frequently maestro kept assuring me that. well if it sounds like too much work or just not something i am capable of or even want to do it's okay no pressure he'll be fine without me it's totally up to me don't sign on if you aren't absolutely one hundred percent okay with it and even if it's too much let me know because we can adjust the duties and help you out it's okay. and also him being like the pay isn't that good i'm going to try to ask for more money to pay you and the assistant conductor and maybe partially fund you if you go on tour with us next summer but it really should be more pay than this i'm sorry anyway here's like seven other ways you can make a little extra cash through related jobs like arranging extra parts for the orchestra and subbing on english horn as needed and maybe i can find some money for you to write program notes also have you considered teaching at the local music school it's a good way to get your foot in the door and make a little extra on the side sorry it's not much i hope it's okay for you

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Frayed Ties - Chapter 15 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Now that they were alone, Danya reached out and snagged Simon's jacket.

Time to actually get it cleaned up.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Simon said.

"No, I want to. It's..." Danya pulled at the blood and the fresh stains came out easily. "Familiar. A little bit of normalcy."

"Fair enough." Simon stood up. "I'll go see about getting us some of that food."

Danya almost objected, insisted upon doing it himself but then he remembered that things were different now.

They were... equals?

Or maybe such comparative terms didn't apply here, even to indicate parity.

They were just two individuals whose worth didn't need to be judged or measured against one another.

"Thank you," Danya said instead.

Compared to healing, cleaning work was easy.

Especially on fresh stains like these.

By the time Simon came back a few minutes later, Danya was already halfway done.

He reluctantly set the jacket aside to accept the bowl of thick soup Simon handed him.

"So, how are you holding up?" Simon asked as he sat back down next to Danya. "I mean, with what almost happened, and then seeing me kill those two men..."

"I'm... okay, I think?" Danya stirred his spoon through the soup. "I think I'm still processing everything, honestly. The whole course of my life was permanently altered today. I'm not sure how I feel about anything yet."

Simon swallowed a mouthful of soup.

"Hopefully better, once everything settles."

"How about you?" Danya asked. "You had to kill those men."

"I don't regret it. The plan involved them dying either way. But... I've never killed another human before. It's a strange feeling."

"If you would like to avoid such situations in the future, I'm sure Noni would understand. It's a lot to ask of you."

"No," Simon said quickly. "I can deal with it. It's just, I guess... It was so easy. I'm used to fighting vampires. They're so strong and so fast. Compared to that, two guards without much combat training were just... nothing. A human life is disturbingly fragile."

"Thank you for protecting me and I'm sorry you had to. I wasn't thinking and I made a mistake. If I hadn't told him I was a virgin, he probably wouldn't have attempted such an intimate inspection."

Simon's eyes darted up to meet Danya's and his brow pinched together.

"No, don't blame yourself for that. It was a terrible situation, and one I'm glad you haven't had to endure the relevant life experience to prepare you for. It makes me angry enough just knowing that they used to make you strip so that creeps could inspect you."

Danya smiled down at his soup.

He didn't really know why.

Simon was genuinely upset about this but... it felt good that he cared.

"Are you happy about this? I mean... that we're here?"

Danya blinked, caught off guard.

He hadn't really thought about it.

"I don't know, honestly. I think I will be. It's just... different. A lot to adjust to."

"You're doing amazing, you know?"

"Oh," Danya said, startled by the rare praise. "I mean, I already made a mistake..."

Simon gave a firm shake of his head.

"You went in there when you didn't have to and you kept things together and did your job even after things went wrong."

"So did you. Well, you didn't volunteer, but I think you would have if you'd been given the choice."

"I'm trained for this. You're trained for... very different things. I know you're not always comfortable with this side of yourself and I suppose I understand why now, but you don't have to hide anymore. You can be strong and brave and powerful, and you can be proud of yourself for it. I'm proud of you."

Danya couldn't help but smile, though his insides felt all mixed up.

"Thank you. I know I'm supposed to be detaching myself from you, but it still feels good to hear it."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that before. I didn't think..." He shook his head. "I didn't think. I tried to give you freedom by treating you like you weren't a slave but I'm starting to think all I did was make you feel afraid and vulnerable and uncared for."

Danya swallowed.

He wanted to reassure Simon but yes, that was exactly how it had made him feel.

"I know you didn't mean to. I always knew that."

"Well, things will be different now. You don't have to put up with my shit anymore."

No, he didn't have to.

But what if he wanted to?

Ten minutes later, Gaira returned.

"You guys ready to sleep? I made up a spot for you."

Simon swallowed down the rest of his soup and gave Danya a questioning look.

It took Danya a moment to realise his input on the question was desired.

"Oh. Yes. Thank you."

"Right," Gaira said. "Follow me."

Unlike the main cabin, this smaller cabin was far from empty.

The whole room was filled with stacks of supplies.

Gaira led them down a twisting passage until they reached a pile of bedding in a far corner of the room.

"You two can bed up here," she told them. "Figured you might prefer a bit of quiet after all you've had going on."

Simon looked at Danya, as though he expected he might object.

"Thank you," Danya told Gaira instead.

She waved as she left.

"'Night." Simon looked down at the bedding, then back up at Danya.

"Do you still prefer to share a bed with me?"

"Oh."

Something sunk in Danya's gut.

He couldn't meet Simon's gaze.

"Well, can we just for tonight, at least? Tomorrow, maybe... maybe someone else..."

"Hey, it's okay," Simon said and Danya realised he'd been starting to get worked up.

"I just don't want you to feel like you have to for whatever reason. I'm not trying to force you away."

Danya rolled his shoulders to relax some of the tension out of them and took a shaky breath.

"Sorry. I guess I just don't have much to hold onto right now."

"No, I get it. Or... I'm trying to, anyway."

Simon pulled his shirt off and tossed it into the corner.

"Things have been pretty non-stop for you for a while now, huh?"

Danya's eyes skimmed the contours of Simon's chest.

His broad shoulders, his firm muscles, the dark circles of his nipples...

Danya abruptly realised that he was being rude and looked away.

Nudity was not quite so casual a thing to Simon and staring like that made him too obvious besides.

Danya pulled his robe off over his head, leaving him in only the thin cotton shorts he wore underneath.

Tonight he needed some skin against skin.

"Oh," Simon said. "Your tattoo's back. Looks like the magic wore off."

Danya looked down and his tattoo was indeed back.

He'd forgotten all about Delton's illusion the second Simon had started stabbing people and he hadn't given it a thought since.

Danya stroked his fingers over the silvery outline of the lion.

It was nice to have it back.

It was part of him now.

"We could probably find some way to get it removed," Simon mused. "Or at least cover it up."

"No. It's fine."

"Are you sure? I mean, it might take us a while to find somewhere to get it done, given our current circumstances but you shouldn't have to just live with being branded forever."

"I... kind of like it?" Danya focussed his attention on neatly folding his robe. "As you said earlier, if it doesn't mean I'm your property anymore then it must mean we're connected in other ways."

"What I said to Sharn? Danya, I was just talking shit because I wanted you to have my knife if anything happened to me. The tattoo has nothing to do with any of that."

Danya set his folded robe down in the corner, and then picked Simon's shirt up and started folding that too.

"I never knew my parents. I'll probably never see any of the boys I grew up with again. So it makes me feel like... I don't know. Like I'm part of something. But you didn't have any say in your crest being stamped on my body, so I suppose that's silly."

"No, I think I understand."

Simon leant back against a stack of crates.

"I was never very close to any of my family. Especially my father, who I inherited the crest from. But having it on my knife, on my armour... I feel proud of that. If you want that to be yours as well, I'm not going to forbid it. I'd be honoured to share my crest with you."

Danya bit down on a grin as he stared down at Simon's crest.

At his crest, tattooed on him in brilliant silver ink.

"Thank you."

"No problem." Simon started taking off his pants. "Honestly, seeing it in that light makes me feel a lot better about it too."

[randomclam24]

I never wanted to admit a lack of agency on my *own* part, but it is true that, the wider the audience, the lower the lowest common denominator.

Anyway, I have the 4TB external hard drive now and am installing all the Steam games.

Update Obligatory botposting

https://archive.is/fnMtF

Daily reminder: You WILL not use your guns, you WILL live in the pods, you WILL down all of the semen, and you WILL

I've looked over my Steam games. I still have to judge whether Rage, and downstream from that all of id software, is ultimately pro-"our Democracy" - because it much more easily describes wiping the floor with the people still complaining, meaning true conservatives who are still alive somehow for some reason. There was a convention where id software literally said they don't like minorities in recent years, but in reality from my experience a lot of "the hood" is just hand-having what it means to actually take on the sad reality that everyone will collectively convulse down around you and have you locked up with a lifetime in prison for opening your ugly fat ass mouth. The FBI already started assassinating Trump supporters. I'll be the very first they're looking for.

Frankly, there *are* no means by which *not* to contribute to lefties' delusion narrative about the right. There's simply no air to breathe.

And now to end this with an obligatory, "and that's a GOOD thing!"

This is all so low class. I never got to live a life worth - trying for.

Look, I don't care what happens - as long as it stops starting right at my doorstep every single time. I have nothing to do with this. I have no personal involvement. I didn't make the deep state; I didn't get too far deep that it's like a permanent drug addiction where I'll literally just spontaneously die if I stop.

I just wish culture would stop being so fucking *slow*. Humans, specifically those who see themselves as the judges of others, are really incapable. They should be treated like livestock.

There's really no point in living: I'll fuck it up no matter what. I don't know what the end goal of everything is, because clearly it *can't* be what I *really* feel, as not even saying [redacted] is going to work as a cop-out for the newly-signed-into-effect direct legal implications, and I *know* this!

Can someone just get in there and physically, manually *stop* these people whno are signing into law these ridiculous things? I want people specifically to stop taking it in the ass as an excuse for a rational argument against my existence.

Like, whatever the fate of the West is, I could have been working on paradise on earth as an alternative to all that. What kind of timeframe do you think you need to get all this fecality past us and out of the way? Two years? 2024 tops, with the next election? Point stands, you're boring me. I want to die every day because of this.

Life is a *mistake*. Every day blows a *cock*.

I wish everybody could stop blowing cocks in place of oxygen, because that makes like a *mistake*.

Update I just went through the first parts of the lava underworld in Dark Souls on PC. I didn't just mow everything down. I took my sweet time, the whole time. I feel like it would have been better to die than to live a life where every microsecond is spent between different people telling me things that I have to listen to to survive. For the most part, what I've been living apart from this blogging is the best attempt at that, although I don't really know from experience if, once you get an actually decent-paying job (no offense?), people will stop being assholes - to the extent that life is fundamentally unbearable.

8/20 If listening to these people was all life was, it would not be worth living.

But at the same time, these toxic people are the ones who will readily get us all arrested when their time comes. They have to be listened to, at all times, because I toe the line. Everything I actively do is borderline. That's why life's not worth living[, and that's why they said that's why you just listen] - except that's not *true*, because you're the problem not *me*

Update Because I have nothing better to do, I'm going to write a *diss* track on my *haters*

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"

[redacted]

Update It wasn't Ron DeSantis that rapped Eminem. His name is "Vivek Ramaswamy"

Everybody has to do this now

We'll brainstorm random ideas to see if any are worth making into "lyrics" - actually I always hated that rap was basically just droning where otherwise music has actual melody - this is what it sounded like

Getting fat off of pork rinds and Mountain Dew ("fucking *based*")

Except I'm actually intaking them in moderation now - so

Update Okay I remember somebody used the song with these lyrics in a video edit. I found the lyrics, but I can't find the song.

SHAKAMANIA X - I Was Tryna Beat My Meat Lyrics (l-hit.com)

I apologize for everything

Update I'm just going to repost garfielf

Garfielf is asks for lasaga - YouTube

Update Given the - absolute lack of interest in high-proficiency white males, upon which the infrastructure relies, who all essentially have this as the nagging feeling in the back of their heads, I'm surprised there hasn't been significantly more effort toward a Mannerbund, or multiple Mannerbunds. It may only be now developing, but you walk into a high-paying job's interview, and a black lady peeks out from behind the next door and asks, is it another white guy? I mean, what else are you occupied doing? You're not wanted there.

Update I want to die. Somebody take my life.

Moments in life - when my cousin who took it in the ass was there when I started up Galaga from Namco's 6th-gen arcade gaming collection and it made the starting music, and we just had this moment of agreement that, yeah, that's it mane

I don't have much else to talk about in life - at least I think I don't.

Update I don't think life has anything worth getting up in arms over. That's not to say I advise not to do it. You people aren't worth preserving, so in theory there would be nothing of value lost.

What's different in that respect from ancient times as modern nations?

I'll always tell you, midwits belong in the super-abyss.

But the drawback to that is that it makes me an *evil person*.

These politicians are going to keep being stagnant - go somewhere else. Hence the Mannerbund.

You can't damage a midwit enough because they *actually believe their own shit* - there's no reparation from that.

All I'm trying to be saying is that if incidentally, all of these politicians had in the first place never been born, that would have been great, but they had to go shit up the party for everyone. Now this takes up our priority because people are idiots who can't think for themselves and can only go by anecdotal example.

I think that's actually why I caught onto garfielf, because it's so overfull of anecdotal things it gets wrong, it becomes another thing in itself - but then who else is going to actually get that kind of humor?

My life is fundamentally meaningless. Someone *help* me

Update I really and seriously hope you lose your democracy - it sucks and you're fucking gay

I'm a Republican, and I'm going to speak what's on my mind even though it might be bad optics Your Democracy means these politicians won't be actively denied their obvious pilpul for what it is

My life really has no meaning. It's been called shouting into the void. The only ones *listening* are affirming leftist dogmas

Update God abandoned us forever. Why are we here?

8/20 Isn't the lifestyle we live, where you can just post things on the internet and get views on them, in a house that's - well not apparently if you live in Europe - air-conditioned Then people use this exact comfort to rationalize appreciating the one-world government, saying there's no justification behind conspiracy theories - for some reason apparently people love to say "how does this affect you personally?" Is expecting a working system in and of itself just a capitalistic impulse that liberals don't share?

According to amygdala research, they don't share the *disgust* response.

Update There was one point in college, one of the two liberal arts colleges I dropped out of before getting my General Transfer Studies degree, this professor on religions gave an assignment asking you to write out three examples of a religious experience *you* have had. I had heard in history lessons on religion long previous to this that such things as religious experiences weren't so common as they were regarded in ancient times. Then this professor thinks we liberal arts college students can just hand them out like candy. I tried to muster up *something*, that would be true to the prompt just subjectively, and all I got back was a nondescript note on the paper, "none of these are religious experiences". Is this a psyop? Yes, this is a psyop

It's another thing that seems like something that could have caught on in and of itself but didn't go anywhere in reactionary online horror, the incidence of that piercing old Macintosh-esque text-to-speech of essential Bible verses in the Mandela Catalogue.

I've made mention of a protagonist I *wanted* to create, where the purpose was less to be *that guy* in every situation like in media and more to make sense of things where everyone out there is overwhelmingly conflicted and be the arbiter of them, so if there was a hint of that space alien trope "take me to your leader" to be found in that, I actually thought that was kind of cool - the part of being an arbiter, rather than the part of being a glowie psyop.

But the sheer total size of the text is so huge, it's highly intimidating. Realistically, it could (and some would scoff at this and say it *would*, easily) take years just to get initially acquainted with the text.

That's where I've had an issue with even having a job - it's the fact that I could easily do other things in the meantime that would accomplish many more easily-obtainable goals.

Update I don't know. Maybe the motivation isn't there plainly because the whole original motivation for the thing was to just be contrarian, albeit in a big way.

It's not like it wasn't in earnest. But what was the *end* goal?

Update You have so many voices that people identify with because they feel a connection on a personal level, but nobody really seems to speak with authority. When people try to speak with authority, it's in a way where they're actively feeling out that everybody can just agree in a superficial sense that it's "authoritative", and it's on issues like "don't be racist", so in reality it's *not*: what amounts to, Republicans would be better off keeping their two cents on the issue to themselves, as advice, is not based on virtue; it's just Machiavellian.

So nobody is really speaking with authority anymore; they're just podium-hogging against right-wingers who want real change, giving minimalistic excuses.

So what you really get is, all of these leftists hogging up the political stage are legitimately believing that they're fighting the last implicit stand against what would have been the catalyst for the end of times on every individual issue like muh racism, muh Hitler, muh Nazis.

I was going to say, these people are in theory the ones who lack the proverbial disgust response. Why are they then the ones who are known for getting hung up on every little Machiavellian non-issue?

Update So what *is* the virtue on which push against racism is based? And with that, you have even ghostler saying "you wouldn't say any of that to a black person's *face* in real life", alluding to the same. And you had the event of "Propertarianism"'s first real-life meet ending abruptly to have everyone disband in embarassment when one of the leaders was actually physically confronted by a black lady and pissed his pants after cramping up. I want to just say, I don't see the substance here when things just seem to be set up so conveniently for these perceptions to play out systematically, this being a question of whether that was a psyop, but clearly there's this boof there that goes, right beneath the surface, for people. I don't know what it is.

Search your feelings

Update later I may say that about liberal politicians, but when it comes to politicians on the podium, they're all losers. We don't really *have* insiders.

8/22 night I just keep having to arrive at the realization against my will that life is just a complete non-start and there's no reason to get up in the morning all of the time

I want something like a movie night so I don't die of - autism

Update Since it's one of the few I've beat on Heroic and not just Normal, I tried replaying Halo 4 again on Legendary. I got down certain techniques, like switching from the assault rifle to take down overshields to something else after they're down, like a headshot weapon. I also fine-tuned the mouse sensitivity settings including the zoomed-in speed ratio. I still feel like the game is more work than it's worth as an experience.

That's life.

Update My life isn't going to go anywhere even with money at my disposal. We wouldn't be talking about that much in the scheme of things. More or less, it's because everybody else is already known to be a fat bitch when it comes to any matters that actually matter that I consciously make the deliberation not to expend *too much effort*, because I *know* that's out of place, and there's nothing to change that.

Life is pointless at conception: you all are going to sit around and do drugs essentially

8/23 night There was an image-based meme of something that looked like a worm with two big, beady all-black eyes and sharp teeth, and the text reads "imma pee in ur ass". Like, yes, this is a completely legitimate retort in an argument.

8/24 I'm just now getting my sleep schedule back on track, not that it matters that much unless I get caught, which really shouldn't be a thing anyway given how low-priority everything that I've been doing is. But in going back to sleep another time before this morning, I had a nightmare about an entire village of zombies. It's hard to tell where to begin because everything was grotesque in its own unique way. But in short, some or a lot of the zombies had this thing where their hands could contort into longer, thin appendages in a kind of hyper-motion, all wielding knives haphazardly. The first zombie that appeared soon after waking up out of the starting bed, after discovering the two with me had their beds death-trapped involving barbed wire, was Baldi. Sooner than later there was an entire village of people who looked normal, but as time went on more signs appeared that they were all under a ruse and were trying to get you, and there was minimal chance of escape through a slow-coming elevator. There was enough really subtle stuff going on to mess with the overall sense of comfort that it was horrifying beyond measure, but it's hard to describe. Basically, it was Siren's idea that eventually, the entire place becomes a secluded island, so in effect your entire world becomes zombified, and that's it for you. And what was I doing to produce the hand hyper-contortions? I was spending all night typing at a relatively fast pace until my wrists hurt, and I would shake them out, in addition to stretching them out.

Update Based on the way ghost was shown the way millenials are paying off the debt from boomers living their way of life, and he just said if you millenials cared, this would have been solved within a short duration of time, despite the fact that millenials are physically incapable of holding positions of authority where boomers hold them indefinitely from their generation and way of life, boomers need to be regarded as diseased animals and must be treated as such.

Update Reality favors world Jewry. Despite the hillbilly getting to #1 on trending or something, the r*ght lost the culture war. It's time to pack our bags.

Update At the end of the day, you're going to have to pass as a liberal, be you right wing or left wing. It doesn't make any difference

I'm not doing any of that, so long story short for the sake of catching up to what's already upon me in any case, I'm not going to make it.

I wrote out the first three books of the New Testament, and already I'm far enough into the fourth book to make the call, basically if you want it condensed, the book of Matthew contains the primary account of all of the parables, and only in the book of John are certain events like the miracle of turning water into wine even mentioned.

The point being, I actually told my mom about that, and that caused her to double down unconsciously on the idea that I need company from church in place of scripture, and that means that I'm dangerously on edge of being put into there, perpetually and, well, they wanted to keep it a secret, but, *forever*. Teehee!

As a sort of disclaimer, my grandma on my mother's side's church felt comfy. That's where I supported summer camp there and had my first all-night lock-in. But the churches my parents went to were too contemporary. I remember the first contemporary church we went to had Midway Arcade Treasures on PS2 in the middle school / high school lounge, and that's how I heard of it, but I think they got rid of that fast. But you actually talk to the people there, and it doesn't seem like a church community. it just seems like a last resort for people who can't *get* any friends. What other kind of community is it? It's not quality.

Update And the mentality I had was that like college, where it's encouraged you actually read the text before class, what's the good in taking part in a serious discussion group if you have never definitively read the text? But my mom wanting to shovel me into contemporary groups clearly is as a *preventative*.

My mom wants to shoehorn me into the straitened path of Chroma Tundra's sound, effectively, where everything about it is only supposed because of suppositions about what feels right stacked one upon the other for generations. By the time they finally finish their introduction and let me have a word in edgewise, I'm only left in all that constraint to cry out autistically, "Abba!" why have you forsaken me? because I had been left with all this retardation, taken in absence of consciousness.

Boomers need to stop perpetually taking it in their ass. That's absolute.

To the effect it's been memed we're already at war, there is a silent war going on by what would be considered the modern-day Pharisees against - not even enemies to them, but just anyone who blindly wanders into the domain of damning information against them. So to say we're already at war in that sense is ultimately just giving them "gainsay" on us - so it's pointless. Pack your bags. Start a new country.

I say that because at this level of corruption, that's simpler. But clearly see this: you don't want to end up becoming like Iran, which has one of the world's few non-jew-owned banking systems, to become international terrorists by name in the U.S.

Every organic expression that ever happened from the modern U.S. media has been in unison with the killing of the prophets, though there *be* not any. But had there been, the automatic reception would be along the combined lines of, pipe down you ain't really from the hood no you ain't with suspended booty rippling (I give up) (and am so sorry) I only make my case worse (oh no I went (*all* the way) over the edge)

I wonder if there's any relation to the Pharisees metaphorically making the outside of the cup clean in all their expressions and appeals to the divine and holy and the way now 30-and-above-degree Freemasonry now supposedly culminates in anal worship So if you want to say anything on the world stage, there's really only one approach left to gain you anything, to a dead world: (you gotta eat the whole ass bruh ain't no playin' around)

It's all in making sure you don't fuck up the semantics of the game, and if you don't, you'll make Denzel Curry go even more mental (I see no other reason people write music)

I don't have anything good to say.

As long as I keep talking, the people will never stop targeting me. These are the very people saying there's nothing to worry about as long as you don't fuck up the game - even though there hasn't *been* a fucking up of the game, and they're the ones themselves preaching don't be flustered over a minor detail, which is specifically what's setting them off with me, making them say it'll fuck up the game, so - you pick

Life was a mistake because these people have the full rein, and there's no point

In reality I don't *want* to show myself in front of any people I consider "real", because I would make them feel ashamed.

Update I felt the need to say all this because the way my mother talks proves that these social expectations precede the Bible.

Something I noticed which might have further meaning than the literal is the way it's described some people will say near the end times, the Lord delayeth his coming, and will instead start slaying the servants. Of course he delayeth his coming - it's the foremost common saying that nothing ever happens. Nothing ever happens.

And nothing that happens in the modern day actually has anything not to do with the secret circles like the Catholic priesthood but with God.

8/25 night For those who were wondering, or reposting the meme about the subject, why people don't make the association where in the Bible Jesus accuses Israel of being the sons of the devil, the Gospels have their strength as historical records because of the standard of having more than one or even two people give the same record, and this only appears in the book of John, starting in chapter 8.

8/25 I suppose it's not because of the thing itself, but because I've already been to so many sermons in life, most of which are concerning the gospels - even though I don't feel like I learned much, there's that implicit certification now that I've typed out the entirety of them and so ensured that I know at least more about them throughout than what any public sermon is going to assume a crowd of people understands about them. Why? I always felt like the material of the book of Acts and so on before the letters to the churches were underappreciated for what they were. There was the entire lifestyle implied by that, which is actually the part of the Bible that's unheard of by our society's standards.

8/26 night How wonderful it is that it's a new day! I'm tired of living. I just don't want to do it anymore.

8/26 Okay. So because I proved an entire 100-proof 750mL was not enough to make me do anything more than go off to sleep and do nothing more without remembering it, clearly that much is not enough to kill me. So we had to get it more concentrated. 69% ABV is about the highest that can be found by going to Wal-mart and getting it in secret, and it's not just at any location. So I've got two overproof Plantations, at that ABV at 1L total each. How much does that make?

*Don't* do this

Update I got a guide for MyHouse.wad. It seems like a good combination. I don't know what else to do right now.

Update In the burned version of the house, the sound of the music isn't in appearance only: from this version of the house onward, can't get a true ending. The artifacts you collect here are false artifacts and do not contribute toward the end collection. I didn't even know that.

Update I don't know the game well enough to know if you have to trigger the house fire to get that music or not.

Update So, cons of drinking: you have things to consider like, never trust a burp, but it's really more like never trust a cough because it's almost a given you'll have to burp already, so if you cough on top of that, you might projectile vomit.

Pros: I'm playing MyHouse.wad with a guide this time, and it's doing it in style

I know it's un-Christian to be given to heavy drinking, but also I've tried for experimentation's purposes, and I still don't *know* what everyone's talking about, when it comes to regrets and being out of control being drunk. At worst I legitimately just sleep a lot. And that's only my own case - but that's given that I have 0% peer pressure from other people, having my own abode in the basement where people don't come anymore unless they have storage purposes in the back room. So I have my own universe here

"The kid needs a milkshake" makes me want a milkshake, and that makes me face the facts that I'm a poorfag

Update Eventually they're going to force me to work and hold down a job.

To me that comes as a given.

Update I feel like I'm just waiting for time to go on, no different than anybody else. It's not good, but what can you do

When it comes to something like Mario 64 beta lore, it feels like there is something I can add meaningfully, but when it comes to something like MyHouse.wad, not really.

Update If for whatever reason a professor actually gives you a prompt asking you what religious / spiritual experiences you've had, actually press them on it if MyHouse.wad isn't valid as one - not that it is, but because we really don't have any examples - I don't know why that was a thing

Update I made it to the gas station, with only one artifact left to get out of the mirror artifacts. I feel like I've already seen enough. When they say Doom"cute", they're not kidding.

Something about seeing things like Doom Center take Doomcute arcade game machines and make actual arcade games within the Doom engine to play out of them makes me want to -

Really, I quit because I set up the contrast and brightness for a different monitor, and now it's too dark.

Update I'm too jolly for my own good, in this state.

Death to the deep state. That's figurative.

Update My parents got a deal where they decided to split half and half on spicy and non-spicy chicken at Lee's. Now I get to eat helping after helping of spicy chicken because absolutely nobody is eating it.

Update Guys, the Microsoft Edge browser updated just recently to match the hated "everything has to be a rounded square" style. It's like, people will rail me because I'm being a conspiracy theorist, but that much happened

8/27 night Beyond the fact that it has this status of being definitive, I think Dark Souls is definitely overrated for what it is. Then again, there *are* all those imitation games that get the formula wrong, because it's actually hard to get right.

[goth-albino-angel]

Yugiri's smile is everything. She has so many of them and they all mean different things. When she's relaxed, when she's excited, when she's confused, when she has no clue what's going on but everyone else is happy so she's happy, when she's relieved, when she's proud... She has so many different smiles and if Tumblr didn't have the 10 image rules, I would absolutely gush about every single one of them in detail. Unfortunately, if I do that, all of those posts will probably be eaten out of the tag, so instead, here are my top 10 favorite Yugiri smiles so far, images included. (Pre-Revenge episode 9)

10. Season One, Episode 2: The First Smile/ 9. Season One, Episode 10: The Sentimental Smile

Episode 2 is the first time we ever see Yugiri smile. Before this, she seemed relatively nonplussed or generally disinterested in pretty much everything going on. Even though she was in a different time period with complete strangers and a madman demanding her to be something she has no knowledge of, she was fairly calm. Then the first time we see her smile, it's when she sees something completely familiar. Her own face. Not only that, but she directs that smile toward the character that is going to become basically her little sister. The first one means so much and it's so important.

Within the same vein, her smile to Kotaro in episode 10 is one during an emotionally heavy moment. It's the first time he's hit an actual snag in his plans. Sakura's singular focus on the Arpino show rather than on the bigger picture of the group as a whole would have been a massive roadblock had she not realized her mistake.

Yugiri is the only one who properly realizes the reason they were sent into the mountains in the first place. Instead of simply sitting on the information, she's proactive about it and actually goes to discuss the problem with Kotaro. She wants to understand his reasoning so that she might be able to help him. And when she turns toward him, she also gives him the observations she's witnessed throughout her new life. This smile may be low on my list of favorites, but it's still unbelievably important.

...Also, when they released the preview image of this smile, my brain short-circuited for ten minutes, so it had to make it onto the list regardless.

8. Season Two, Episode One: The Professional Smile

This smile isn't much out of the ordinary for what we've come to expect of Yugiri, but it's on here because this was our first look at Yugiri after basically two years of very little. None of us knew how the group would come back, how the writing team had incorporated the unexpected pandemic, how things would play out, or what would be happening. The Promo showed Tae's hand flying off to knock off Sakura's head, but as 2018 displayed, the promos can't always be trusted. This showed that, even in this new world where she's only been awake for a year, she's putting her skills to use and working just as hard as the others. Thanks to the conversation from Episode 10 of the first season, we know she was trained as a geisha which would make service work much easier than it would be for the other girls.

I don't have too much to say on this one, to be honest. I do like that she's in softer lighting, as opposed to the others who were all surrounded by harsh lighting on their season two introductions. The softer lighting lends itself well to the lack of pigment and coloration in the girls' makeup, allowing Yugiri to look like she has some color, even if she still looks somewhat pale and tired. It doesn't give her quite the same sickly look the others have at their jobs. The red dress? 100/10. Perfect decision.

7. Season One, Episode Five: The Proud Smile

SHE. DOES. GYMNASTICS. She has every right to this smile! I did the math for this specific part of the episode and Yugiri got third place. The judges liked her rope aerobics so much, they shot her all the way to third place even though her distance was zero meters. It wouldn't have gotten her interviewed, but it would have at least put Franchouchou at the forefront. I still applaud Tae snagging first place, but Yugiri deserves some praise. She really did go face first into the mud on a bike and said, "Never again." She's so proud of herself. I'll be gushing about the actual gymnastics part in a different post a little later, too, but she definitely deserves to be proud of herself. I'm really gay...

6. Season One, Episode Four: The Cute Smile

Originally, this was just going to be me doing some keysmash version of a squeal or something, but there's something I'd like to draw attention to. I'm pretty sure that, by this point, Franchouchou only knows two songs. Yomigaere, which was supposed to be performed in episode 2, and Mezame Returner, which is what's being performed here. Of these two, Yugiri has more experience with this one, but from what the audience had been shown, it wasn't good experience.

Memorizing the lyrics would have been the easy part for her. It's that a good portion of the dance practice was also spent helping Lily get the steps down and potentially calming her frustrations. Then the performance itself would have been a complete disaster if Junko and Ai hadn't gotten over themselves at the last minute to finally help.

This is the first successful performance of Mezame Returner we're witnessing and it's clear the group's had more practice since then. You can see how excited and happy Yugiri is here because this one is actually going well. They had a bit more time to prepare, the two lead roles were actually involved this time, and the audience also was clearly enjoying the performance. She's so happy and it's just so heart-warming to see. Yes, even with the CGI. Don't @ me, she looks adorable.

5. Season One, Episode Seven: The Sassy Smile

This one also was just going to be a squealing keysmash thing, but again, I have something to point out. Look how much more confident she is now that Junko and Ai have, once again, gotten over themselves. Yugiri sees the effect that Junko stepping in had on the others and just like the rest of the group, her movements are more relaxed and free.

It's more obvious, actually, if you look at the way the other girls are moving directly after Junko helps Ai up in comparison to how Yugiri is moving. She did a spin while waiting for Sakura and Lily to finish their segment, and she could be cheeky during her own. She sensed that the tension had mostly dissolved and because of that, she allowed herself to relax and could properly throw herself into the performance. When she throws out this smile and wink, it's not actually directed at the audience. It's Yugiri telling the others that they've got this without breaking the performance.

4. Season Two, Episode Four: The Gentle Smiles

I put both of these here because Yugiri's just... so... caring? So much of what she does is passive that you don't realize just how much work she puts into relieving the stress from the other girls until long after the problem has been resolved.

In the first, she's speaking to Sakura. No doubt, Yugiri probably noticed how worried Sakura was about Junko. Even though Sakura was trying not to let the others catch on just how anxious she really was, Yugiri still knew that something was bothering Sakura as well as Junko. Yugiri knew that the key to easing Junko's mind lay in placating Sakura first. She's seen what happens to them all when they fall apart and she wants to avoid that at all costs. So, Yugiri lifts Sakura's spirits and gives her back the fire and determination to make a great performance.

In the second, Yugiri is watching Junko eat. Unlike the others, it's clear Yugiri knows that Junko is in much higher spirits than when last they saw her. Junko would likely have still been a stuttering, quivering mess otherwise, but she wasn't stuttering and her actions were purposeful and self-assured. Yugiri is very observant. She would have caught on that something had happened to make Junko feel better. What makes this smile even better is that she's not the least bit disappointed. The reason she made dinner was to help Junko, but she doesn't view the meal as a waste of time. She's so focused on other people, that she's happy Junko is feeling better at all and even offers her different platters to help keep her mood up.

These are high on the list for two reasons. One, they're a show of just how much Yugiri does for her girls. Two, YUGIRI COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HEADCANON CONFIRMED BITCHEEEESSS!!! I GOT ONE RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!

3. Season Two, Episode Six: The Affectionate Smile

I will be completely honest, I have no idea why this one is as high as it is. I admit, I did spend three hours replaying this single thirty second scene because it's really sweet and Yugiri and Tae don't interact very often, so seeing Yugiri not only be worried for Tae, but also be immediately reassured that Tae would be fine was just something my heart didn't know it needed until it had it. The sheer level of affection Yugiri shows toward Tae is too adorable. Especially since Yugiri usually only has moments like those with Sakura and, to a lesser extent, Lily. This smile's really cute, it's in the middle of a wholesome scene, and it made me love both Yugiri and Tae that much more.

2. Season One, Episode Three: The Excited Smile

Once again, an entry that was going to be a simple squealing keysmash until I realized there was something to point out here as well. This is the first smile we ever see from Yugiri that's genuinely enthusiastic. She has plenty of them, especially during her performances, but this is our first time seeing her fully incorporate herself into the group as an actual member and actually look excited to do something with the others. This was an omen of adorable things to come and damn did it deliver.

Honorable Mentions.

I'm only going to touch on each of these briefly because to be honest, there are a LOT of smiles I could've picked.

The first one is from episode 6 when the group is talking about their very first meet-and-greet. Lily asks Yugiri if she's keeping up okay, and Yugiri remarks that she's taking things as they come. This was a small look into the kind of character she is. As I mentioned before, she's very passive in the way she operates, but that's to the benefit of those she cares for. This is her admitting that she doesn't want to be a problem and it's just sweet that even though Lily is worried about her, Yugiri's still highkey thinking about everyone else.

To the right is a shot of Yugiri during Electric Returner. This one is just the squealing keysmash because she looks so genuinely ecstatic, it's contagious. She's NO DAMN CLUE what happened or why they sound so different, but she is absolutely living her best second life.

The next shot comes from the beginning of Yomigaere and is somewhat of a repeat of the above. She's excited to perform for such a big crowd, she's glad Sakura finally agreed to actually participate, and she's living her best second life. Whoever animates Yugiri's CG model? I love you. I want to send you a gift basket. She's always so happy during performances.

Then comes her smile after the group finds out Sakura's memories are back. She's just glad Sakura, her Sakura, has come back to them, that she accepts her crap luck and is still willing to stay. For Yugiri, this goes under the list of Best Possible Outcomes. Her family is whole again and she's so relieved.

Last in the top row is the first full frontal shot we get of Yugiri in the Saga Jihen music video. She's so unbelievably adorable here. I wish I could've gotten her first expression, but the curtain was still rising and without photoshop, I'm not editing an image to the degree needed to get her whole face lightened. Point is, she's cute and everyone deserves to see her adorable face on the first song she got to be center for.

First on the bottom row is Yugiri looking apologetic from episode 8 of Revenge. She's so cute. It was an honest mistake and she had no way of knowing the paper belonged to Kiichi. No doubt, that was probably why she offered to help him rewrite them later.

Next is how cute she looks in big sister mode. She's wiping the mud from Kiichi's cheeks and is taking such care with him. Throughout the entire episode, she treats him like a little kid and it's likely because her role was big sister for so long that she doesn't know how not to treat him that way. It really does shed light on just how kind she is to everyone, though, that she doesn't even think about her dirty kimono and focuses on cleaning him up a little first.

Then we have her smiling at Kiichi as she remarks on how beautiful his dream of reviving Saga is. She even says she hopes it comes true. His dream means something to her. She can't even fully see it, he can't even fully see it, but they don't need to. What Itou didn't understand this whole time is something Yugiri understood immediately just from listening to Kiichi talk. They don't need to see it in their minds, all they need is to feel it in their hearts, and that's something Yugiri knows.

And lastly on the honorable mentions, because this post is already super long, Yugiri smiling while she's cooking for her guests. It was a tossup between this or the pinwheel because it's just really nice that Yugiri can simply enjoy mundane things. I chose this one because it's a direct contrast to how she was at the beginning. Before, she ate with a disinterested expression, but now, she's cooking for guests rather than just for herself. The lift in her mood is obvious, and it's something so small but so heartwarming, I couldn't resist.

I would've put the pinwheel moment anyway, but unfortunately, as a com major, formatting and design are everything and an extra picture on the top or bottom without a balancer would've thrown the whole thing off. Maybe next time.

NOW FOR NUMBER ONE

1. Season Two, Episode Eight: The Softest Smile

This should have been expected. There's something genuinely touching about the fact that Yugiri really does give her everything, even to complete strangers. These girls barely know her, everyone in town barely knows her, but because her dance students suggested Yugiri go out and actually experience, Yugiri gives it actual thought. She doesn't dismiss them, she doesn't deride them, she doesn't make them feel foolish or anything like that. She treats their suggestion the same way she would if it had come from a close friend. And she does actually take them up on it.

Later, we see her come into contact with Kiichi to demonstrate that even full-on strangers aren't exempt from her kind heart, but this means more. All we know is that these girls take Yugiri's dance class, and from the way they speak when we first meet them, it's clear Yugiri has a professional wall between herself and those she instructs. But she still treats them as she would the girls back in Shimabara. It's proof that, even in the past, Yugiri really was just as kind-hearted as in the present. It's a show don't tell kind of thing that just speaks so deeply to the writer in me. I love this smile. It's everything. Her smiles are everything. She's everything.

[fairycosmos]

this feels like my fault. i teased him A LOT. i gave him reason to believe i wanted it. he already tried to kiss me once, it was while we were on campus, hidding behind the cafeteria, in his car. it felt like i was in a movie, looking down at myself. im not that girl. im not stupid u know. so i rejected him. and since then its been different. at first it was really fun and flirty. now it feels wrong. i know i'll always have a reputation if ppl find out. but i just cant say no.

hey girl. i want to reiterate that i'm really sorry you're being put in this position, and that you honestly deserve better. your professor is a fucking piece of shit and he's taking complete advantage of you. i genuinely can't believe he has the audacity. it do doesn't matter that you texted him or that you thought you wanted him, because since he's in a position of power over you it was his responsibility to say no and to discourage you. you must forgive yourself for initially making a naïve choice, one you made out of pain and loneliness, so that you can see the circumstances for what they are in reality. you can say no, and that will always be your right. whatever insecurities are binding you to him are not reliable, long lasting or substantial. listen. the fact that he even engaged, and actively backed you into a corner, makes me want to throw up. the shame lies with the person who deliberately caused harm, right? this is on him, and it makes my blood boil to think about, but i'm serious. all of the guilt is on his shoulders, he's being malicious for his own sexual satisfaction and it's disgusting. you haven't done anything anywhere near as bad as that. look, you're going through a very difficult time right now and you're struggling to like who you are, to find clarity in your own head. so your brain is obviously automatically going to try and blame you, but that's just another mechanism of the self destructive cycle you've found yourself in. you don't have to lean into it, don't have to give the thought any credit. of course the emotions may remain for a while, and they may be painful, but if you try to cope with them somewhat healthily, you'll be alright. you truly will, even if it's impossible to believe right now. the bottom line is that none of this is going to stop until you make it stop. it's not your fault, none of it, but what you allow will continue - and that goes for shitty experiences, worsening mental health, everything really. you can't control it all but you have the right to dictate some specific factors in your life and this is one of them. you need to put an end to the relationship. point blank. tell him straight up that it's not what you want or need, that you're grateful for the academic opportunities he's offering you and that you want your relationship to be purely professional from here on out. it may feel scary, it may feel bad, but it is so so necessary. it's not going to be easy, but this whole thing is fucking you up and it's not going to lead anywhere anyway. there's no two ways about it, no logical alternative. if he tries to threaten you or make you feel any sort of way about your choice, threaten him right back. if anyone finds out that he took complete advantage of a student and tried to manipulate them into a relationship by getting mad at them if they didn't comply, his career would literally be over. and he knows it. you're not at college to be his fuck buddy and it's not your job to fulfill a role for him. i promise. i can't stress it enough, you need to put yourself first in this situation. no matter what impulsive urges you have. fuck his feelings. he's never once stopped to consider yours. and yeah, it probably will be awkward if you take his class, but let it be. better to suffer through that than to do sexual and romantic activities out of fear, and to deal with all the trauma that that brings when you're already so vulnerable. god. you must do everything you can to lessen his presence in your life, one day at a time. he has literally nothing to offer you at all, despite what he's convinced you of, and you genuinely will feel better without him around eventually, in so many ways. i cant express that to you enough. what you honestly need, like i said before, is to talk to your parents or a counselor or your doctor about what's been going on with you lately, so you can develop some actual support within your life and so you stop looking for validation in harmful places. i understand that it's difficult, unspeakably so. but it's time to prioritise positive progress over your self hatred. it's easy to blame yourself for all this, because if you blame yourself then it makes sense, it feels contained. but the easiest option isn't always the right one. there are so many people who are willing to help you, and initially opening up to them is the hardest part. eventually you'll be able to look back on this situation from a more positive place, and you'll be able to forgive yourself for all the things that were so far beyond your control. i don't say any of this lightly, love. it's vital that you do what you can for your own safety. tell him to fuck off, talk to someone, focus on your studies and take care. you may not notice a difference at first but when you do, it'll be so significant. and you'll be so glad for it.also, if that complete fuckhead continues to pressure you, threaten you, or prevent you from reaching your full potential, please report him. that may not feel like an option to you at the moment since feelings are involved but it absolutely is and it's so important that you do it if he continues to put you in danger. i'm not speaking from a place of ignorance, not saying it won't be terrifying, i'm saying it's something to deeply and realistically consider. again, you are not at fault. he's the one who is hurting you, directly or otherwise. you need to honestly think of ways to help yourself one step at a time, and that begins with doing all you can to get out of this toxic situation, and to focus on getting the help you need. you're young and you're hurting, but there's no need to crucify yourself for that. and hey, don't apologise, don't worry about it. you're okay, and you're going to be fine. i just hope you're alright and that you take my words seriously. i'll be here if you need to talk or if you need a friend. i'll be rooting for you. sending so much love your way.

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I Will Choose You Every Day

Making choices has never been my strong suit

Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that

The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else

I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me

And often I'm striving to please the wrong people

In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically

When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction

I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of

Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme

I became selfish

And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way

But loving you has brought me back to balance

For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves

As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what

And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me

I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far

You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you

It's something real that you choose to work at every day

If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would

I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no

I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you

I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth

The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic

The truth you've never been afraid to share with me

I'm choosing to share it with you now

Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter

(Well actually even before that)

From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome

You had a smile that lit up the whole room

And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear

I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away

You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom

You came right up without any hesitation

Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me

I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away

I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to

I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous

So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was

It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that

But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people

I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you

Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways

You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days

I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you

And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face

Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch

When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while

I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me

A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)

For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning

I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you

I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you

I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you

I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time

I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place

When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough

Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety

But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me

Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me

The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much

Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you

On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad

When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm

I trusted you so much even as acquaintances

Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive

The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to

I hated saying goodbye to you that night

I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you

I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)

I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you

And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be

Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend

As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal

But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening

We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world

From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation

I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning

I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything

TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything

You were my best friend

Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more

I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party

I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you

I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you

I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming

My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house

On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away

Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you

You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie

You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away

You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life

You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day

We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter

As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget

We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives

You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"

Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness

I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal

Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare

I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend

When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home

You could have chosen to ask me to leave

But instead to invited me in and I said yes

We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you

I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder

I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation

Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison

You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy

It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together

I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins

I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax

I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real

I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head

All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him

I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me

I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish

I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you

When you got back I knew things were different between us

You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant

I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice

But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over

Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me

I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you

As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you

You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before

You kissed me without stopping

I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life

But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this

I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry

I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week

The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me

You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with

I knew that would be our night

I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no

I knew you'd make a move

I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed

With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter

You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you

I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose

My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you

I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever

With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him

I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings

I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound

I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you

I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together

I spent every night with you over winter break

But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip

I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you

I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner

I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back

Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day

I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry

Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home

For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true

I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me

I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights

There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it

You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you

I was being selfish

That was a rock bottom for me

I knew I had to change

I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives

I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you

I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse

I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy

I'm done being selfish

I'm choosing you always

I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely

And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you

I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it

I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life

I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so

I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always

I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings

I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions

Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked

And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now

I love you more than anything Bryan

I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️

[morbid-n-macabre]

You probably remember the Jenny Jones Show. In the 90's smutty talk shows were very popular; Jenny's was one of the best rated, ranked right up there with Jerry Springer, Geraldo, Montel, and Ricki Lake. These trashy talk shows ruined more than a couple lives, but we just couldn't get enough of them.

In February of '95, Jenny Jones was searching for guests who had secret homosexual crushes. When a 32 year old Michigan man named Scott Amedure saw this, he called the show.

Scott had a thing for 26 year old Jonathan Schmitz, who he'd met through a mutual friend named Donna Riley. Scott didn't think Jonathan was gay, but what's the harm in trying? Even if Jonathan turned him down, it wouldn't hurt to do the show, right? Worst case scenario they get to visit Chicago for free. And who passes up the opportunity to be on national television?

Jonathan would later say that the JJ producer who called him promised that the person who had this crush on him was a woman. Jonathan was aware that Scott was attracted to him; the day before he left for Chicago, Jonathan asked Scott point blank if he was the one taking him on the show. Scott told him that he was not the secret crush. Matter of fact, Jonathan was so concerned about being embarrassed on tv that the producer actually made a note about it on his file. Jonathan was assured that this would not be one of those episodes. Not that these producers are truthful, I know from experience they will tell you just about anything to get you on that plane. Jonathan convinced himself that his secret admirer was his ex fiancee who he'd been with for years. They'd only been broken up for a few months and he missed her terribly; he told everyone that he was going to marry her if she was there. If it wasn't her, it had to be a cute girl from work he'd had his eye on. Jonathan was so excited that he even purchased brand new clothes for the occasion.

On March 5th of 1995, Jonathan boarded the plane from Michigan to Chicago where he would finally meet this mystery woman.

Scott claimed he had been served alcohol on the plane to Chicago and then there was hard liquor served in the green room while he was interviewed by the show's producers. All of this is another trick under the producer's hat- a ploy to lower the guest's inhibitions so they say and do things they would not do otherwise. And It's easy to forget that everything you say to the producer can and will be used against you on the show, you start to feel friendly with the producer, and you feel like you're sitting and talking with a friend- especially since alcohol is involved. During the private interview Scott blurted out that he'd had sexual fantasies about Jonathan which included a hammock and whipped cream, during the taping of the show you can see that Scott was taken aback when Jenny brought this up. If you've not seen the un-aired taping of the episode (I'll add a link at the bottom) Jenny does what she does best- she pushes for details, not concerned with who she upsets or embarrasses. Which was her job- it makes good tv. Scott said Jonathan had a "Cute little hard body, the kind you want to pick up and put in your curio cabinet, dust him off every once in a while".

The first thing Jonathan said to Scott after he walked out on stage and realized who'd brought him there was "you lied to me", referencing Scott's denial that he was the one bringing him to Chicago. That said, Jonathan seemed to handle it well; he nervously laughed and covered his face with his hands on multiple occasions but never did he seem angry. He said he was flattered, but that he was simply not attracted to men.

Depending on who you ask, after the camera stopped filming maybe Jonathan was much more willing to give Scott a chance than he was wanting to let on. Jenny Jones herself would later say that Jonathan, who was supposed to be flying home alone, asked if he could exchange his plane ticket for the one his friends were taking. There would later be testimony that the trio went out for pizza and plenty of alcohol afterwords; Donna said that Jonathan was talking about the three of them having a menage a trois and Scott's mother would later testify that her son was thrilled, simply glowing because the 2 men had been intimate together that night. Jonathan whole heartedly denies all of this, but it could be that he's embarrassed or ashamed. It's very possible that he hooked up with Scott while inebriated and regretted it later. Whatever the case may have been, it seems that Jonathan Schmitz was super concerned with what others would think of his sexuality.

On the morning of March 9th, just 3 short days after the show's taping, Scott had been out drinking with friends all night long. When he came home, he saw that Scott had been to his house in the night and left a blinking construction sign on his door with a note which read "If you wanna turn this off, you have to use your tool".

When Jonathan saw this, dude just lost his mind. He immediately hopped in his truck, drove to a nearby gun store where he purchased a 12 gauge and buckshot, and by 11 am he was knocking on Scott's front door.

Scott was probably just thrilled to see Jonathan at his house at first, maybe he thought Jonathan liked the cutesy sign. When Scott answered the door, Jonathan asked if he was the one who left the construction sign and note. Scott said yes, it was him; Johnathan walked back to his truck, retrieved his shiny new rifle, and blew Scott away; he was shot twice in the chest. Jonathan then drove to a payphone where he called 911. He toldthe operator that he felt lied to, humiliated on national tv, and harassed since coming home; these were his reasons for taking a man's life.

In 1996 Jonathan was tried for 2nd degree murder. His lawyers said that Jonathan had been dealing with severe mental health issues for years; on top of that, he suffered from Grave's Disease, a thyroid issue that can cause severe rage and mood swings. To say Jonathan cared what other people thought would be an understatement, he was obsessing over it. In 1996 a jury found Jonathan guilty; he was sentenced to 25-50 years. Just last year, at the age of 47, Jonathan was released from prison. He remains on parole.

Jonathan wasn't the only one in big trouble. The Jenny Jones Show caught quite a lot of flack over the murder, especially since they had specifically asked for guests with secret homosexual crushes on people who weren't necessarily gay. This was better for ratings than just 2 gay men. Many of the show's questionable practices were brought to light; the lies which the producers told Jonathan to get him to Chicago, the fact that they didn't even ask whether their guests had any mental health issues, plying guests with alcohol before interviews or tapings, etc. Had the show not done these things, it's unlikely any of this would've happened- or that's what a jury concluded. Scott's mom sued, Jenny Jones and her network were found liable, and Scott's mama was awarded 25 million dollars. This judgment was later overturned.

This case just goes to show how much society has changed in these past 20 years; how far we have come. If i was a betting woman I'd bet money that Jonathan had sexual relations with Scott. You know, in today's society, big whoop if you're gay- most people don't care. Back then it was just different.

Obviously Jonathan was the killer here, but do you think the show was liable?

The never aired Jenny Jones episode that resulted in murder: https://youtu.be/3EvUzzbzFNc

[amexd]

And just like that, I'm back.

Another city, another timezone, I alway come back to you.

There is something so comforting about writing down how and I feel and just letting it go out into the world.

Currently, I'm sitting in bed in my parisien apartment and I have covid. I think this forced reset of sorts has caused my to finally take the time to think about what I want and what I'm doing with my life, what I'm doing in Paris, the person who I want to be. As of last week, I started a new job, the only downfall is that it is an hour away from where I live. I though I would be able to handle it, and I think that once I get into the routine I will be, but it makes me sad to think about all of the experiences I might be missing out on because I'll be stuck commuting. This post is definitely not going to be as well though out as some of my other ones, but it just feels so good to write, to be creative.

I think I want to find another job, but the issue is that my current job pays me really well. I also want to focus more on my health and living in Paris, because this time will pass by so quickly and I want to live in the moment and enjoy it as much as possible.

I'm getting that itch again go out and fall in love, to have someone by my side. I think I finally would be ready again to commit myself to someone, but I am also terrified that I would let it completely consume my life like it has in the past. I think what I need to do is try and find balance in my life and also think about what my priorities for the next few months are.

1. Fall into a healthy routine, involving eating healthy, working out, seeing friends, having fun

2. get to know my neighbourhood better

3. make an effort to make new friends at work

4. go on dates and put myself out there, let some of my walls down and embrace newness instead of running away from it

5. be nicer. to myself, to everyone else

Even writing things down like this has helped me clear my head. It is easy for me to fall into these periods where I feel so disconnected from myself and I don't know how to proceed because it feels like I'm not even living in my own body. I think having covid, and feeling sick for the first time in so long has just really made me think about my time here and the things I want and it has made me accept that this is not just a vacation, but this ism real life. I need to start living my best life, but it is also okay for me to have down time, to need time alone, to miss home, to be sad, to be angry, to grieve the things that I left behind, to beside about things that didn't work out. But what I can't do is let the past haunt me. All I can do is try my best and live in the moment and worry less and work to make things happen that I want to happen. This time here is so fragile and tender, it feels unreal most of the time. It is hard to comprehend that even though I can completely up-route my life, move to a completely different city and start a whole new job, I am still myself. I still have to carry around all of the things I had to before, just because I moved it doesn't mean that everything is solved. I still need to work everyday to improve myself and to develop a healthy relationship with my mind and body.

I'll be back soon, I love you <3