#i'll almost certainly edit it to make a real piece

[unravelingwires]

Indigencies

My father grew up dirt-poor in a village in India. My grandmother valued education, and with her prompting, he managed to get an engineering degree and an educated wife, coming to the United States.

Alternatively: my mother’s mother was the most hardworking woman in the world, running multiple businesses, doing the housework, and raising her children. As a high schooler, she held an (unsuccessful) hunger strike to promote her right to an education. She passed on that determination to her daughter. Between my mother’s ludicrous work ethic and terrifying ambition, she found a husband with her goals and gained a medical degree in two countries, settling in the United States. 

Either way, my mother and father, through luck and hard work, came here with the skills to better this great country. My mother maintained throughout my childhood that there was nowhere to gain success like the US. She worked at a hospital until the administrators determined that an endocrinologist wasn’t profitable enough to justify on staff, at which point she opened her own practice. My father worked at a bank until one of his college friends suggested an entrepreneurial software-producing business, and as such, Multicoreware was born. Both of them brought new jobs to Sunset Hills and provided a necessary service that wouldn’t have existed if they weren’t there. 

The word “indigenous” means “native to the land one is living on,” but the term “indigency” simply means “poor.” My family is, under some definitions, indigenous to India, but according to all definitions, we suffer indigence nowhere. We have, in fact, never suffered indigence in our lifetimes. My dad got his education through scholarships, but he did get his education. My mother was even more privileged. Don’t get me wrong, she didn’t have air conditioning or pasteurized milk. She was still wealthy by most Indian metrics, though, and that wealth allowed her to get a degree, which was fundamentally important in getting her green card.

That’s important. Regardless of how you spin their rags-to-riches story, neither of my parents literally started in rags. My father got closer than my mother, but ultimately, neither of them were starving on the street, and there are a lot of people in India starving on the street. Those people don’t end up in the US. 

Did you know that not all Asian Americans are wealthy? I don’t mean that literally, obviously some Indians start gambling recklessly or get trapped by a lack of universal healthcare. I mean that “Asian American” is a demographic so large as to be useless. If you break down the overall group, you’ll find we’re harshly divided between people who immigrated like my parents and refugees, making up the top 10% and bottom 10% of US earners. Isn’t that funny? 

My family’s from Missouri, Saint Louis specifically. 

In the meantime, my parents bought a suburban house and had two daughters. Becoming a doctor or engineer is well-known in India as a ticket to success, but my parents taught my sister and I to value the opportunities this country had, so we followed our hearts instead. My sister bounced around for a while, studying psychology and sociology, but she settled on educational nonprofit work, helping kids in India succeed. She works in fundraising, convincing potential philanthropists that their cause is a good enough one to sponsor. My sister is, I’ve been told, very good at her job; listening to all the office politics is always amusing. I became an ecologist and conservationist. It’s less of a non-sequitor than you’d think: my family adores national parks and hiking, and there’s something so fundamentally beautiful about this continent. Come to the Midwest: we have the best thunderstorms in the world. My job is something I would never get to do in India, and it’s good chunk of the reason I’m so grateful for this country.

On a related note, I said that indigenous means “native to the land one is living on,” but it is more complicated than that. Indians living in India, for example, are rarely called indigenous. It’s a specific kind of colonization that creates the concept of indigeneity. The settling of other people on your land is a necessary step of the process. 

Even if that wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be indigenous anywhere. I was born in Missouri: even if I return to India, I will be an American returning to the place of her forefathers, not an India returning to their home country. 

There’s actually a thriving Tamilian community in Saint Louis. That’s the reason my parents chose to move there. Of course, by the time I was old enough to really notice social atmospheres, we’d ended up alienated from said community through common drama, so that didn’t affect me much. 

By the time I was born, my family had established a pattern of traveling to visit India every year or every other year. Though it is important to understand your roots, we go there for more practical reasons. My grandparents deserve to know me, and my mother runs a charity organization.

The organization has warped over time. At first, we helped fund a school. Then, my mother began running diabetes clinics for rural Tamilians. Nowadays, my mother has been campaigning for an increase in millet-based diets instead of white rice-based diets. 

I don’t think either of my parents want to move back to India. It’s still important to take what we’ve learned in the US and return it to India. We owe the country that much. 

The result of all of this is that it’s accurate to say my family is from a colonized culture, not an indigenous one, but I am from neither. Within the US, we are primarily aligned with a colonizer culture, enjoying its luxuries and upholding its narratives. I’ve been saying for years that I am more American—using “American” to mean “from the United States,” which is its own can of worms—than I am Indian. I was born in the US, and I was brought up here. These are the opportunities that I have most enjoyed. This means that, regardless of my genuine love for this country, I am a colonizer that has put down roots. 

I wonder, sometimes, if I would have connected more with India if I connected more with the community in Saint Louis. I probably would have, I think. I barely know how to celebrate Diwali, and I don’t know any of our other holidays. I’m Hindu in a lazy, abstract way. I don’t speak Tamil.

On the other hand, I’m Indian enough that I don’t get to be American, not all the way. I’m not a pie chart—70% American, 25% Indian, 5% something else—but I might as well have been, the way people used to talk to me. 

I’ve gotten something else from our trips to India, though. I’ve knelt in stone temples and before my great-grandmother. I’ve wandered through drip-irrigated farmland and watched my mother bring reusable bags from India because there was nothing like our woven bags in this country. Frugality, sustainability, humility, and spirituality all mean the same thing to me, nowadays. As we were bringing our Western education to our home country, I brought pieces of my home country back to the West. 

As an ecologist, this is tricky. In a lot of ways, my field is simply an attempt to gather the knowledge that indigenous people already knew, and we have a bad habit of writing off their credits or overwriting their narrative. On the other hand, my family is from a colonized culture, and there’s a chance my perspective will be worth something because of that. I cannot turn my back on this field. It’s my duty, as somebody who has a chance of understanding the tangles in the connection between culture and conservation, to remain in this field, attempting to help where I can and uplift marginalized voices. 

I went to India in high school then again just after the pandemic, and I think I found something worthwhile there. I mean, at first I had to really search for it; I don’t know how my sister finds it so easy to love that country. I really did try, though, and I did find something. I went to this farm vaguely connected to the school my family used to help fund—I don’t think we’re involved anymore, and my mom’s current charity efforts are leaning more chaotic than anything—and I noticed that they were using drip irrigation. After that, I started looking for that sort of thing, and I found it absurdly common. The average Indian I’ve met has no concept of conservation, but they do understand waste and how to avoid it, and often there’s heavy overlap. There are also cultural values surrounding the concept of duty, mindfulness, and practicality that I think really are valuable: I doubt Rama would have much time for fast fashion, prince or no. 

As an adult who knows how to look at the world through a cultural lens, I’ve been trying to learn about other culture’s views on conservation as I do my research. UC Davis is trying to include more information on Native American views on sustainability in its curriculum, and I’ve been reading Braiding Sweetgrass in my free time. It’s important to weave scientific methods with indigenous knowledge when promoting sustainability. 

Still, I’m worried that I’ll become as complicit, as academia isn’t always built to further true understanding. We have a way of talking as though we have knowledge and indigenous groups have practices, when in reality it’s much more complicated than that.

After that, I started putting real effort in, and I think I’m doing a good job of it. I read the Gita, which was a very good book, and Sundara Kanda, which really wasn’t. I’ve been wearing churidars the last few years, and I bought a Saraswati statue to put next to my Ganeshas. I started meditating. I learned to make chapathi. How many pieces can you put together before you’ve made one whole Indian?

And I really am trying to take this understanding of why culture is important and use it to reach out to others. Solidarity is really important. Did you know that it’s an Indian who attacked affirmative action most recently, the idiot? How do they not realize that racism chips at us all—

Anyways. I inexplicably started with Judaism—well, not inexplicably, I got guilty when I realized I knew more about Nazis than Jewish people—trying to get a shape of what cultural practices look like in the US. I don’t think I did an amazing job, but there’s only so much you can get from books. After that, I started reading more international authors, which I’m not certain did anything, but I enjoyed The Locked Tomb series immensely, so maybe it’s alright. 

Cultural understanding is incredibly important work and, in ecology, time bound time bound. We are embedded in a mass extinction of our own making, and we need to work immediately to prevent everything from getting worse. As such, I’m getting a Masters degree, the a PhD, then I’ll get an entry-level government position and work steadily to— 

Of course, leaving academia and moving to direct activism would be the most morally correct thing to do, but I’m not certain I have the personality matrix for it. Perhaps I should invest more of my free time into volunteer work. 

Most importantly, I really am trying to understand the Native American perspective on the United States, specifically from within California because understanding one culture well seems better than stereotyping a million, but that’s such a massive undertaking, and I really don’t want to come off too white savoir-like as I do it, and if understanding Judaism from a book is impossible I don’t know why I’m trying with Potawatomi culture, Jesus Christ at least I’ve met a Jewish person before—

It’s not about understanding every culture on earth; I understand that. My curiosity drives me to understand everything, but from most people, all that I have are whispers. An rudimentary understanding of Chi from Iron Widow overlaid with giant mechs and messy polyamory. The Peruvian Sacsayhuaman, meaning vulture feast, after the mass of bodies that lay there after the conquistadors had finished their work. The layer of powder on temples in India, leftovers from the stuff that’s supposed to go on your forehead.

It just feels wrong to know so little about the land I’m walking on. A’nowara’kó:wa means Turtle Island, and according to Braiding Sweetgrass, that’s the actual name for North America. I learned that a month ago.

I kind of hate India, but I know it’s mine. It’s not like the US which I’ve had to claim over and over again. The US had to be imprinted on to me through birth certificates and accents and yelling “I am a patriot!” at disruptive times. I was Indian the moment I was born; the land itself is pressed into my skin. 

The land I was born on belongs to someone else. It’ll always belong to someone else. That’s not okay, but it has to be.

The work we’re doing is difficult, but it’s the only practical way to make a difference. 

We need a revolutionary change, and soon. Continually spinning my wheels like this is useless. 

You know how the word “Indian” doesn’t mean actual Indians in the US? I mean, it might be different nowadays, but when I was a kid, “Indian” meant Native American first. I have, in the 20 years of my life, refused to refer to Native Americans as Indians, even when that was their preference. I don’t care that it wasn’t their fault, that “Indian” was as imposed on them as it was stolen from us. It’s our word.

Well, recently I learned that “Indian” wasn’t created by Indians either. The Greeks saw people living around the Indus River and started calling them Indians, but even “The Indus River” was a Greek term: the original word for it was Sindhu.

That’s not why my parents named me Sindhu. They wanted a Tamil name, and for us, Sindhu means “music,” and music is something transcendentally meaningful. It’s funny: that’s not an Indian thing, I don’t think, but it still feels Indian. All of this feels Indian. When I think of India, I think of grime and exhaustion, but when I think of Indians, I think of bright colors and music and how God connects us to the natural cycle. No wonder their country was named after a river, after music. No wonder I am named after my country.

One of the frustrating things about engaging with culture is that it’s the kind of work that’s never finished. It feels like mental health upkeep: it’s vitally important, and if you ignore it long enough you collapse, but lord is it exhausting. We need to put the work in to understanding each other, and colonialism is so baked into the fabric of the US that I don’t think we can progress without addressing it. That doesn’t make it easier to lose and gain appreciation for your country on loop. When an immigrant assimilates, how do they differ from the colonizers that surround them? 

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with my relationship to India. There’s always something more I could be doing, another revelation on the horizon. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with my relationship to A’nowara’kó:wa either. I just live on it.

[little-peril-stories]

The Prince of Thieves (new and improved) - looking for readers!

For the last few months, I've been working on editing The Prince of Thieves, a story novel which was originally published on Tumblr and ao3 between October 2022 and June 2023. As I work through the last few chapters and prepare to write the new opening, I thought I'd put out some feelers...

By the end of this month (hopefully), I'll be seeking feedback on this manuscript!

I would love to connect with folks who are:

okay with whump (I would never call my writing gory, but there is LOTS of angst, captivity and restraints, hopelessness, torture, illness and bodily injury)

comfortable giving honest feedback on the characters and story

willing to point out any particularly egregious typos once in a while if/when you spot them

fine with it being pretty. uh. long. let's ballpark 150k? will give a final word count when it's done.

able to use Google Docs or Microsoft Word

able to provide feedback by ***February 29, 2024

***If I take too long to finish editing, this date will get moved back, of course. :)

✨ express your interest here. ✨

Details below the read more!

Here's the silly tongue-in-cheek blurb:

guy and gal get arrested and tormented by super cool, totally normal constable while pals on the outside freak out and make bad decisions; fun 1800s prison vibes with a side helping of angst and chosen family

Below is a more blurb-y blurb:

The goal of Iustitia aecum, the notorious thieving gang, is to steal from the rich and give to the poor. For a few years, that’s exactly what Jamie, Will, Colette, and Geoff (as the gang’s inner circle) do; they slip through the fingers of the law time and time again.

One day, everything goes wrong.

Will, by a stroke of fateful misfortune, falls into a trap meant for Jamie, the real leader of IA, and ends up in prison—in the custody of Constable Baden Hatchett, an officer who is willing to do whatever it takes to get Will to crack so he can bust IA and bring all its members to justice.

With execution—his brother’s and his own—hanging over his head, Will resolves to take his secrets to the grave, swearing not to betray the only family he has left.

Bree Cooper is one of IA’s runners, privy to no secrets save for one she learned by chance…that she was never supposed to know. When she, too, falls into the hands of the constabulary, she is forced to reckon with her past (a complicated history with Constable Hatchett himself) and her future (the gallows).

Will and Bree’s lives were already intertwined, and when they find each other again behind bars, they will rewrite the stories fate has planned for them—together.

Genre: drama, historical/period piece, whump / POV: 1st-person most of the time, 3rd-person for flashbacks / Narrators: multiple (5 of 'em)

sneak peek to see if the style is for you:

It’s cold up here on the roof of the boarding house—that’s why no one else is up here, probably—but there’s something delightfully bracing about the wind scrubbing the day’s dust from my skin while the stars gaze down. It’s delicious, almost wicked, to peer into the city streets from so high. Up here, no one else can see me. Up here, no one can say a damn thing when I pull up my sleeves. There’s no one to gasp or gawk as I reveal the soft, scandalous flesh of my arms and trace my fingers along, throwing into sharp relief what must remain invisible at all other times: black-as-night ink painted on the canvas of my skin. It’s a shame the tattoo would send me to prison if the constables saw it, because it’s beautiful. Sometimes I just stare down at the details—the leaves bursting from a tree in full bloom, the ring around its swirling, entwined roots. Would anyone else, other than my fellow runners or the constabulary, know what it means if they caught a glimpse? I’m not so sure, but they’d certainly be confused if they saw it on my arm. Silas Cooper’s daughter, tattooed like a common criminal? A gentlewoman like her? How? Why? What happened? I scowl into the night. Breanna Cooper died with Silas, or at least I like to think she did. When I think back on the girl who stumbled, dry-eyed, away from her father’s deathbed and then ran from the man she was supposed to marry, out into a chilly autumn night much like the one I’m gazing into now, I don’t recognize her—don’t recognize myself. That girl ran into a life of nothing, yes. But isn’t that also what she ran away from?

✨ express your interest here. ✨

Friends who have already read TPOT, you are welcome to do a reread if you want, but there's never any pressure, ever. 💕

Thanks for your time!

[somersetmummy]

(A/N) This chapter takes place right at the beginning of the story, prior to TNA Chapter 1. Some characters property of Pixelberry.

Original characters: Katie Hide (MC), Jenny Blake

New characters: Lucinda Hansen

Rating/Content Warning: Mild adult language

Word count: 2005

Summary: MC Katie Hide is an English rose, living in New York. She’s down on her luck and desperately needs a job before her visa expires and she’s sent back to London. A chance conversation with a friend leads to an unlikely opportunity. Little did she know that one little interview would change the course of her life forever.

- Bonus social edits at the end -

Just like any other Thursday morning of recent weeks, Katie and Jenny were killing time together in their favourite coffee shop just down the street from their shared apartment. It had become Katie's haven and her go-to place when she wanted to lose herself for a few hours people watching, letting the stories of their lives unfold around her.

She'd always had a knack for paying attention to the details, noticing things which passed by most others. It was a skill she'd relied on heavily in her work, always giving her the edge, at least it had until the time it led to her downfall at Panacea Labs.

Katie had recently walked out of her job after piecing together a scheme under the radar to roll out a costly new drug for treating MS, despite there being multiple warning signs that it was ultimately ineffective but instead just masked the symptoms. Anyone else would've just glossed over the signs, not even noticing, but to Katie, the anomalies jumped off the page unmistakably. It was when she tried to escalate her concerns that she was shut down and her life in the lab made a misery by the VP, Declan Nash.

It hadn't taken long for her to realise that the company was more concerned about profits than actually helping people and she knew that the battle to fall in line and keep her job wasn't worth it. After calmly and quietly sending a company wide report on her findings, she gathered her things and walked out before she could be accosted by security. Little did she know that Nash had already been keeping tabs on her communications, in his eyes she was a trouble maker, and the report never saw the light of day.

Unfortunately for Katie, the current opportunities for young women in the biotech and pharmaceutical world just weren't what they should have been and she spent the next few weeks furiously searching for something else to avoid her work visa being revoked. 

Having moved from London to attend the New York Institute of Technology and graduating with a Masters in Chemistry & Bio Engineering three years ago, she'd fallen in love with the city and the life she'd built. She didn't know exactly what the future held and couldn't put her finger on why, but she had a very strong feeling that she needed to stay in New York.  

Today, Katie had planned to work through all the job adverts remotely relating to her experience and qualifications, with Jenny on hand to offer moral support. Tiring quickly of hitting one brick wall after another, they'd long forgotten the laptop and instead had spent the last 30 minutes idly chatting about Jenny’s upcoming gallery event when Lucinda arrived, phone to her ear, her body tense and voice sharp as she wrapped up a call with her boss.

"Of course I've got someone Angela, I wouldn't put my name in the mix if I didn't. My candidate is going to blow the others out of the water, I just know Mr Dalton will be impressed....no not just impressed, he'll be awestruck..."

While waiting for her to wrap up her call, Katie heads to the counter to order Lucinda a much needed coffee and returns to place it down in front of her just as she hangs up. She tosses her phone onto the table and slumps back in her chair, defeated.

Jenny stares her down waiting for an explanation which she and Katie both know Lucinda desperately wants to give but is holding off for dramatic effect.

After a long sip of coffee and a moment of holding her head in her hands she finally exhales.

"I am so SO SCREWED."

Katie and Jenny share a look before returning their attention to Lucinda.

"I've just promised my boss that I have the perfect candidate for some billionaire business man's nanny position....." She glares at them both as if they should understand why that's a problem. "I never touch these sorts of jobs, I only ever look for candidates in finance, nannying isn't worth my time."

Katie chooses her words carefully, knowing how Lucinda can bite back pretty quickly when she's stressed. Speaking softly, cautious not to poke the bear, she looks Lucinda in the eye and internally braces herself for whatever might come next.

"So what made this one so different?"

Fortunately Lucinda seems to finally be relaxing, she replies more quietly.

"Filling this position will put me on the map, nobody in the firm has been able to secure someone for this guy, they only seem to last a few weeks before they quit so the sign on bonus never kicks in. If I could find the perfect person I wouldn't only get a great bonus, I'd be next in line for promotion to Senior Head-hunter."

Her demanding demeanour melts away and she's left looking almost vulnerable. Something Katie knows Lucinda doesn't find at all comfortable.

"Anyway, I'll figure it out, I always do."

She gives Katie and Jenny a soft smile, allowing herself to momentarily forget about her woes so she can refocus the attention back to them.

"So what were you guys talking about before I came in?"

As Katie opens her mouth to speak Jenny cuts in on her behalf.

"Oh Katie's just been trying to work out how to get a job before her visa renewal date comes up in a couple of weeks."

Katie lets out a sigh of her own, suddenly remembering how dire her employment prospects are and feeling equally as defeated as Lucinda.

"I can't believe I've worked so hard for my degree, I found the perfect job in the perfect city but now it's all gone down the drain and I'm going to have to go back home and never see you all again."

Jenny wraps her arm around Katie's shoulders, pulling her close. "Oh come on, like you'd be able to shake us off. Even if you are in another country!"

As suddenly as Lucinda dramatically entered the coffee shop she slams her hand onto the table making the others jump.

"THAT'S IT!" She cries, her idea almost exploding out of her. "This is just too perfect...."

Katie and Jenny share a confused look before turning back to Lucinda who is practically foaming at the mouth, clearly onto something, though they're not quite sure what.

"You need a job, I need a candidate." She says in her signature matter of fact style.

Katie still has no idea where Lucinda's going with this.

"It's win win. I'll put you forward for the nanny position, you'll get a great job which means you get to stay in New York, I'll get my bonus. Not to mention I'll look like a damn superhero at work!"

The cogs start to turn in Katie's brain as she begins to digest what Lucinda is proposing.

"But I'm not a nanny....and what about my visa, it's only valid for work in relation to my degree."

Lucinda waves her hand at her, dismissing her concerns. "No problem there then. This guy's family owns one of the biggest Biotech companies in the country, surely that's related to your degree? He's so desperate for a successful match I'll make sure the visa thing is part of the contract."

She cuts back in quickly just as Katie opens her mouth to object.

"And as for you not being a nanny, what about all those times in the lab when you had to pull rank and sort out the shit that went down between your useless colleagues? You've done more nannying of adults in the last two years than most actual nanny's do in their whole career with children."

Jenny suddenly chimes in "OH MY GOD, this is genius!"

Defeated, Katie turns to look at Jenny in disbelief. She may have had a chance saying no to just Lucinda but with Jenny on board with this idea as well she may as well give up now.

"This will solve both your problems, I mean come on, who wouldn't want to work for this guy..."

Jenny turns her phone to Katie, clearly having been searching while she and Lucinda were talking. On the screen Katie sees the most devastatingly handsome man she's ever come across. He's nothing like the guys she'd known before, this person, was a real man and the sight of him caused her stomach to flip.

While undeniably handsome, it's not just the physical attraction that she's drawn to. Her eyes move to the company bio underneath his headshot and in true Katie style, she scans all of the accolades and achievements the company has to boast about. Her mind races at the possibilities. There's no mistaking that working for this man could open the door to so many opportunities and experiences in the future.

With a sigh she resigns herself to the fact that Lucinda might actually be on to something, this could be the break Katie had been waiting for and would certainly solve her imminent visa problems if she could get it taken care of as part of the contract negotiations.

With a silent nod and slight shrug of the shoulders, she begrudgingly agrees, much to the delight of her friends who squeal at each other in delight. Lucinda immediately pushes her shoulders back, standing to attention, furiously beginning to type on her phone.

"You TA'd for your old professor right?"

"Yes, I did a year as their assistant after graduating. Mainly doing research and going to conferences with her."

Lucinda's eyes never leave her phone as she works her magic, spinning Katie's words into an impressive resume. After a moment she raises her eyebrows and flits her eyes over to Katie, a small gesture which Katie realises is an invitation to elaborate.

"Oh, yeah so that's actually how I got into Panacea Labs, I met a rep at one of those conferences."

Jenny rolls her eyes at the mention of Katie's old company, now affectionately known by them both as Pariah Labs. Despite what she felt about Katie's previous employer, she was immensely proud of Katie's achievements and wanted to make sure they were included.

"Weren't you the youngest lab boss thingy they'd ever had?"

"Senior lab technician." Katie corrects, knowing full well that Jenny hasn't got a clue about the finer details of her work. "Well, yeah eventually, after two years of working my butt off. But I hardly think they'd rave about that in any reference they give me. If they even give one to begin with..."

Lucinda waves a dismissive hand at her.

"With this resume, you won't need any reference from those bastards. Trust me."

Katie had no idea what Lucinda had written or how she'd managed to spin her experience to be more favourable for a nanny position but it must've worked because half an hour later Lucinda slammed her hand down on the table once again, causing everyone around them to jump out of their skin.

"YES! It worked...he wants to see you, you've got an interview tomorrow at the Dalton Enterprises headquarters".

She turns her phone to Jenny to show off the email and they fall into an animated conversation, no doubt planning how they're all going to celebrate once Katie inevitably gets offered the job. As they fall into a blur in the background, Katie looks back over the picture of Sam Dalton on Jenny's phone, not quite sure how she can be so hypnotised by someone through a photograph.

There's something about him which feels familiar, something drawing her in. It's almost as if they're viewing each other through a looking glass and she wonders whether in this exact moment he is feeling the same magnetic pull towards her, a stranger whom he hasn't even met yet. Tearing her eyes away from the phone, Katie's tries to steady the stream of unanswered questions flooding her mind and focus on how she's going to win this man over.

"Here goes nothing."

TAG List: @shewillreadyou @chemist-ana @txemrn @silma-words @thefrenchiemama @secretaryunpaid @sfb123

- Bonus - pre-interview pep talk with the girls -

[watching-pictures-move]

Put On Your Raincoats #24 | Midnight Heat (Watkins, 1983)

This review contains spoilers.

Roger Watkins' Midnight Heat opens with slow motion shots of Times Square in the winter. It's a drab, dismal sight, and the ominous music that plays over the footage sets the tone. A caption flashes onscreen. "Sex can become a weapon." It's a quote credited to Henry Miller. (Upon further Googling I suspect this might not be a real quote, but the movie had me fooled at the time.) We see Jamie Gillis, alone in a high rise apartment, looking contemplatively out the window. He receives a call about a job, which he accepts, albeit a little indignantly. There's a POV shot going down a corridor, bathed in atmospheric blue lighting, with occasional glimpses of a man in an office reading a newspaper. Gillis comes in through the door and pulls out of a gun. Freeze frame. The title flashes on the screen while a thunderous gunshot noise erupts on the soundtrack.

With these opening moments, Watkins introduces a level of violence and accompanying dread that hangs over the rest of the movie, wherein Gillis hides out in a seedy hotel, meditating over what led him to this moment. You see, Gillis is a hitman, and in his own image a pretty good one, but not one immune to making bad decisions. One of these bad decisions would be sleeping with the boss's wife. (In true mafia fashion, when the boss catches him, he plants a kiss firmly on his lips. "I'll be seeing you in the streets") Another bad decision would be porking the boss' daughter (with whom he was casually discussing T.S. Eliot) and then making a mid-coital phone call to let the boss know. But the OG of these bad decisions was what got him into his line of work in the first place, taking an ill-advised job after blowing a sizable amount of money at the track. You see, like the name of a certain Charles Bronson film series, Gillis both wishes death upon others (as part of his work) and has a death wish himself. "The more dangerous something is, the more we forget about everything else. Danger motivates people. Otherwise why bother."

But Gillis doesn't do this thinking all by himself. He has the company of a hooker, who perhaps is moved by Gillis, having encountered this form of professional violence in her personal life. And while there are genre expectations to be met, Gillis seems more interested in her company over anything else, perhaps to fill a void in his own life. They eventually reach a meeting of minds, even if it isn't terribly comforting to either one.

"You're afraid of dying aren't you."

"I haven't learned very much but I have learned on thing. Only someone in constant terror of of annihilation can experience life as it was meant to be experienced."

"And you're one of those men."

"Yes."

Watkins directed this the same year as Corruption, with which this shares Gillis in the starring role, cinematography by Larry Revene and a similarly fatalistic tone. I enjoyed the other movie quite a bit more, but I must admit at least some of that is due to the technical disparity of the versions I watched for each one. That one was on a snazzy Vinegar Syndrome Blu-ray, this one was on a blurry video-sourced transfer. In the other film, Revene does very precise things with underlighting and other techniques to create an oppressively chilly tone. Here I could grasp the impact of certain lighting and framing choices, but the low quality video image had a flattening effect on any precise flourishes present in the work. (One unintentional boon however was the way the dilapidated grey walls of the hotel room looked almost like fog thanks to the blurry transfer.) Even worse was the fact that the audio was just a bit out of sync, meaning that Watkins' more aggressive editing choices (switching between classical and porno-funk as he cuts between the street scenes and the sex) were thoroughly undermined.

Putting aside viewing conditions, I do think the other film is structured more engagingly so that the dread builds, although this one's inertia seems intentional, with the final moments driving home the purgatorial nature of the story. I think the other movie also bounces Gillis more effectively off of other characters (in particular, an almost demonic Bobby Astyr), whereas he only really has one person to play off here (Champagne, who I believe only has a few other credits, and whose IMDb page helpfully notes is not the same person as Phil Prince regular Cheri Champagne), although I did find her to be an intriguing screen presence. As for the sex scenes, Watkins had been frustrated that the ones in his earlier movies, which he delegated to producer Dave Darby, were too enjoyable for the raincoat brigade (despite making some very good films in the genre, he apparently didn't like it very much). I believe at this point (and certainly in Corruption), he'd taken over directing these scenes himself, although the effect is less consistent overall compared to the other movie. The flashback scenes are what I'd call conventionally enjoyable, despite the attempts to subvert them with cross-cutting, but the ones in the present are more potent, framed to have an isolating effect on the performers so that the sense of fatalism overrides any erotic impact. As for the climactic image, with Gillis' face contorted mid-thrust while the frame is flooded with red lighting, I appreciate the intention more than the end result. Anyway, I liked this less than the other films I've seen from Watkins and would like to see it in a better copy eventually, but it still has plenty of the qualities I enjoy about Watkins' work and is worth checking out if the idea of a hardcore mood piece tickles your fancy. And at less than seventy minutes, you can't lose.

[treasure7boys]

Sunny Summer || Park Jihoon

♡♡♡♡

Type: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 4.7K (Lol, I got really carried away)

Warning: Cursing, mature-ish themes (lol, not really) [Not Edited]

Description: You've matured since the last time Jihoon saw you ... and he's not the only one who's noticed

♡♡♡♡

Honestly, the thought of spending every summer in Jeju with your family wasn't exactly ideal. You wanted to spend the summer with your friends, not on an island where you knew almost no one. Still, you had one saving grace: Park Jihoon. The Park family was close friends with your own, so they had been staying at the same beach house with you since you were seven years old. Jihoon was the same age as you, so you naturally became close friends.

Your families both lived in Seoul, but you never really hung out with Jihoon unless it was some holiday or celebration and his family was over. As you senior year came to an end, you realized you hadn't seen Jihoon at all since that summer. It wasn't surprising, though, since you were both busy with studying for entrance exams and whatnot.

“He's going to be so surprised with how beautiful you've become,” your mother smiled as your plane landed in Jeju, stroking your hair lovingly.

You blushed, feeling embarrassed by the compliment. “It's not like I've changed that much,” you told her.

That wasn't necessarily true, however, you were just being humble. In all honesty, puberty did finally hit and it was kind to you. The boyish figure you once had finally had some shape to it. Your chest was still on the flatter side, but you couldn't have it all. Your braces were also removed and your now straight smile was beautiful. It was the little things that changed that made you look even prettier.

Your heart pounded like a drum as you neared the familiar beach house, which was basically your second home at that point. At first, you hadn't anticipated anything, but, after your mother's comment, you were wondering if this summer would be different.

“You're here!” Mrs. Park shouted as she rushed down the sandy steps of the beach house and to your mother, tightly hugging her. “Jihoon! Hurry to help with bags!”

Your own father hugged Mrs. Park and then Mr. Park, who was chuckling at how excited his wife was. “She's been waiting at the window for you guys,” he informed you all, making you smile fondly.

Mrs. Park turned to you. “Look how much you've grown in the past year! You're even more gorgeous, Y/N!”

Again, you blushed as you thanked her but politely said you looked the same. You watched as Jihoon appeared and they disappeared, always leaving the two of you to unload the rental car. “What happened to your face?” Jihoon asked as he opened the trunk.

You scowled, already knowing this summer would be like every other one. “Gee, thanks for that confidence boost,” you said, rolling your eyes.

He smiled and shook his head. “That's not what I meant. You just look different.” He inspected you and you felt like a bug under a microscope. “You got your braces off, huh?”

Nodding, you flashed him a smile. “You did, too. You look good.” The two of you embraced tightly before turning to the bags. “Are Junkyu and Yoonbin here yet?”

He nodded. “Yoonbin got here two days ago and Junkyu last night,” he informed you. “There's a party on the beach thrown by some college kids and Yoonbin managed to get us an invite.”

“Sounds cool,” you said, but you weren't sure how you felt. You had never been to a college party or any party for that matter. You liked to stay in bed where it was warm and safe, eating snacks and watching movies. Still, maybe you might like the party scene.

After unloading everything and putting the bags in your respective rooms, you put your swimsuit on, some shorts and a tank top, and then joined Jihoon downstairs to meet Junkyu and Yoonbin for a swim.

“What happened to you?” Junkyu asked, his eyebrows furrowing the moment he laid eyes on you.

You scoffed in disbelief, “Did I get so ugly over the span of one year?”

Yoonbin smiled. “I think he's talking about that giant bruise on your knee,” he commented.

“No, I'm talking about how my little brother, Y/N, is now my sister,” Junkyu said. “When did you get a figure?”

You shoved him aside, going to set your towel down. “Shut up,” you huffed.

“Wait, who called you ugly?” Yoonbin asked.

Junkyu nodded. “Yeah! I'll fight him for you!”

You glanced at Jihoon. “I didn't call you ugly!” he exclaimed. “I just couldn't figure out what about you changed.”

Letting out a laugh, you jumped up to your feet and threw an arm around him. “I know, I know! I just like to give you a hard time,” you teased. “Now, let's get in the water. It's so hot out.”

As you removed your shirt and shorts, you watched the boys rush into the water. Every year before, you had worn a one-piece swimsuit. That year, however, you wore your first bikini. With your new figure, your friend had somehow convinced you to show it off. You felt slightly self-conscious, but you knew you just had to fake it until you make it.

After some swimming and goofing off, you finally decided you wanted to dry off and enjoy the warm sun. The boys agreed but already planned on playing some volleyball with a beach ball in a little bit.

“Yeah, I fell down the stairs because I was so excited after finding out I got accepted into one of my top three universities,” you told Yoonbin, explaining why your knee was bruised. “I'm just glad I didn't break it.”

He laughed, “I'm surprised you didn't.”

“I'll have the whole house to myself for two nights, so we can have our own mini party,” Junkyu said to Jihoon. You didn't hear the whole conversation because you and Yoonbin had just tuned in.

You looked at Jihoon. “You're gonna leave me alone for two nights with just our parents?” you asked him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Junkyu cut him off. “You can come, too. I don't think your parents would mind. What would even happen?”

Yoonbin nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we're all like siblings,” he added.

“Good point. I'll ask, but I'm sure they'll be fine with it,” you said. Your eyes wandered towards three guys passing by. Your jaw just about dropped. “That guy is so hot.”

They looked to see who you were drooling over. “Yugyeom-hyung?” Jihoon questioned. “The guy we've known since we were kids?”

You shook your head, “No, the one in the middle.”

“His name is Eunwoo, this summer's heartthrob,” Junkyu told you. “All the girls are talking about him and he just got here.”

Eunwoo looked over, seeing you staring. He sent you a sweet smile before turning away. “Well, you've certainly got his attention,” Yoonbin smirked, standing up to go play volleyball.

“I'm in love,” you said. “What I wouldn't give to have even just two minutes in heaven with him.”

You felt something hit your head. It didn't hurt, but sometimes you liked to be dramatic. “Ouch! What the heck?!”

Jihoon looked at you as he picked up the beach ball he had just hit you with. “Stop drooling over him and come play,” he said.

Scowling, you stood up and joined Junkyu on the other side of the net.

♡♡♡♡

“Hurry up, Y/N! Before I'm old!” Jihoon called to you somewhat jokingly, waiting on the porch of the beach house.

You hurriedly slipped your bracelet onto your wrist before jogging down the stairs. “Well, don't you look gorgeous,” your mother smiled, lovingly smoothing down your hair.

You were wearing a skirt and top set. They were both red with white flowers on them. The top was a crop top with sleeves that wrapped around your upper arm, showing off both your stomach and shoulders. You had bought it on a whim hoping it would look good and maybe you could try and find a style that you really liked. Hopefully your mother was right and you looked gorgeous.

“Watch after Jihoon, yeah? Now that you guys can drink, he thinks he's a pro,” Mrs. Park snickered.

Smiling, you nodded. “Of course,” you told her. “I'm not planning on drinking much or at all in order to keep an eye on the three of them.”

“That's my girl,” your mother smiled. You quickly put your sandals on and then joined Jihoon outside.

He looked at you and stopped swaying, inspecting you. It felt like he stared at you forever until he finally said, “You look nice, now let's go before Junkyu gets impatient.”

You nodded, joining his side as you walked down the beach and to the house. Honestly, you weren't sure whose house or party it was, but you didn't really care.

“That's a cute outfit,” a girl told you. You were pretty sure her name was Herin.

“Thanks,” you said, smiling at her. She ended up spending a lot of the night with you and the boys. It turned out it was her first summer there, just a whim on her parent's end.

Junkyu's eyes wandered and spotted Eunwoo standing near the cooler. “Look, Y/N, your boyfriend is here,” he teased.

You looked over, blushing slightly when you saw Eunwoo. “He's totally yummy,” Herin said.

That made you smile. You could never really talk about guys on a real level with the three boys. “Thank you!” you exclaimed, turning back to look at Eunwoo. “He's seriously gorgeous.”

Her arm looped with your own, “Come on, let's go refill our drinks.”

The two of you quickly left, going over to the cooler where Eunwoo was with another tall, handsome boy. He spotted you and Herin before smiling. “Hi,” he spoke, his voice as beautiful and angelic as himself. “You're Y/N, right?”

The fact that he knew your name made your mind go blank and insides become mush. “Y-yeah,” you managed out, feeling Herin lightly squeeze your arm. You didn't care if Yugyeom had told him your name, you were just happy he had remembered.

Jihoon watched on with Yoonbin and Junkyu. “What could they possibly be talking about?” Jihoon scoffed. “They probably have nothing in common.”

Yoonbin smirked. “Jihoon, your jealousy is showing,” he said in a sing-song tone. “If you want to date Y/N so badly, then tell her how you feel. You won't get anywhere by not saying anything.”

That made Junkyu laugh but nod in agreement. Once again, Jihoon scoffed, but much more dramatically as he took another gulp of his beer. “Jealous? No way!”

“Come on, you've glared at any guy who stared at Y/N too long. An appreciative glance her way equals a glare from you,” Junkyu said. “Admit it, Y/N finally grew up during senior year and tons of guys have noticed. You're so used to her always being with you and us, so you're bothered that she has a thing for that Eunwoo guy and vice-versa.”

Jihoon was upset at the fact that he was so transparent to his two friends and the fact that they were right. He didn't want to be jealous, but he couldn't help it. You were practically his best friend and he was so used to having you around him almost at all times. Seeing you making new friends and spreading your wings bothered him because he feared you leave him and he hated that.

You were so caught up in your conversation with Eunwoo that you hadn't noticed Herin and Mingyu totally hitting it off. Eunwoo was really nice, sweet, and handsome, but he wasn't very funny. In fact, he was kind of awkward. Still, you enjoyed his company enough and he enjoyed yours, but it was obvious to both of you that things would never turn romantic.

In all that time, you completely forgot about Jihoon, Junkyu, and Yoonbin. You felt really guilty since the summer was for them, but you were sure you'd see them plenty during university and were hoping you guys would start hanging out in Seoul. “I really had a nice time talking with you, but I think I should go find my friends and make sure they're not doing something stupid,” you told Eunwoo.

He smiled and nodded. “It was nice meeting you, Y/N. I hope we can talk again soon,” he said.

Herin sent you a look, one that clearly asked if you wanted her to go with you. You slightly shook your head, wanting her to spend more time with Mingyu. Without another word or silent communication, you left.

“There you are!” you exclaimed when you finally found Jihoon. He was alone in one of the bedrooms, sitting at the foot of the bed with his arms wrapped around a pillow. “I've been looking for you everywhere! Where are Yoonbin and Junkyu?”

Jihoon didn't respond right away and you watched his head bob up and down slightly. That was when you realized he was drunk. He reeked of alcohol. “Y/N! There you are!” he exclaimed, his words only slightly slurred, which was surprising.

You giggled but felt bad for not watching out for him and stopping him from drinking too much. “Come on, let's go find Junkyu and Yoonbin and then get you to bed.”

Grabbing his hands, you struggled to help him to his feet. You threw the pillow back onto the bed and lightly slapped Jihoon's face to wake him up. “Why didn't you hang out with me tonight? This is our time, Y/N. All these guys are suddenly talking to you because you're so hot and you have no time for me.”

Then, without any warning, he kissed you. It wasn't a long kiss, but longer than expected. When he pulled away, his head fell on your shoulder. “Holy shit,” Yoonbin's voice said. You hadn't even noticed him and Junkyu.

“We never speak of this,” you say and they nod. “Come on, help me get him home.”

It was kind of a struggle, but you guys eventually got him on Junkyu's back and then home. You were relieved your parents weren't awake because you didn't want Jihoon to do something dumb.

Before Jihoon fell asleep, you made him eat something and drink water.

♡♡♡♡

“I did what?!” Jihoon shrieked, rubbing at his temples right after. His headache had gone down a great deal, but not completely. “No, there's no way. Did I do anything else?”

Yoonbin nodded, “You called her hot.”

That made him groan and bury his head in his hands. You had gone to get ice cream with Herin and he was sure you were telling her what happened. The two of you had only just met but he could tell you hit it off and finally had a girl to confide in.

“How bad is this? Like, have I made things totally awkward or will Y/N and I be okay?”

Silence took over as the three boys thought about this. “Honestly, I think Y/N just chalked it up to a drunken mistake on your part,” Junkyu confessed. “Knowing Y/N, she'll pretend it never happened.”

Jihoon didn't know how he felt about that. On one hand, he wished it had never happened, so pretending it didn't was the next best thing. On the other, all he wanted to do was talk about it with you. He couldn't just leave the situation up in the air, could he? This was why he never wanted to confess his feelings to you. When feelings got involved, things only got complicated.

The front door opened and Jihoon wondered if it was your guys’ parents coming back from whatever thing they had planned to do in town. “I'm back!” you called out, shutting the door behind you. You went upstairs and found the three boys in Jihoon's room. “Feeling better?”

Jihoon swallowed hard as he nodded. Things felt weird but he knew that was only on his end. “How was ice cream with Herin?” Junkyu asked, trying to ease the awkwardness caused by Jihoon.

You sat down next to Jihoon. You were close, closer than he expected. He felt like he couldn't breathe properly. “Good. We ran into Eunwoo-oppa and Mingyu-oppa. I think Herin and Mingyu-oppa are really hitting it off.”

Oppa? You were calling Eunwoo that already? The two of you just met! Were you really already that close? It made Jihoon feel upset and jealous and he hated that. He didn't want to be that guy, but he couldn't help it.

“What about you and Eunwoo?” Yoonbin asked. Jihoon looked at him, wondering why he'd ask that. Was he trying to make Jihoon even more jealous? Or was it just to get some clarity. Maybe both.

You shrugged. “I don't know. He's really nice, but I don't think it'll go anywhere,” you confessed, making Jihoon feel relieved. You looked at him and then grabbed his chin gently between your thumb and index finger. “Are you sure you're feeling better? You look flushed.”

Probably because he was. He wasn't sure how he looked, but he was freaking out on the inside. His heart was beating like a drum and he thought he would combust any second from your touch.

“I-I'm fine, just a little hot,” he finally said, cringing at his word choice.

Nodding slowly, you said, “Okay. Let's all watch a movie together. I'll meet you guys down there.”

They watched you leave before Junkyu hit Jihoon's arm. “Are you trying to make it awkward?!” he exclaimed. “Y/N was acting completely normal but you were acting like you two just met!”

“I know! I'm sorry!” Jihoon exclaimed. “I just can't help it. Even though I don't remember the kiss, I still feel like it only made me like her more. Now that I've crossed that line of friendship, it's hard to be just friends.”

Yoonbin sighed, “Then either talk to Y/N or get over it. This summer will be painful if you keep acting this way.”

That night, Jihoon couldn't sleep. He just laid in bed staring up at his ceiling, listening to the soft, low hum of the fan he had on his dresser. Earlier at dinner, he spazzed out when you got too close to grab some more rice and he ended up spilling soda all over you. He was sure his mother noticed he was acting weird and was thankful she didn't say anything … yet.

Normal. He just wanted things to be normal again. Checking the clock, he saw that midnight was just a few minutes away. With a smile on his face, he threw his covers off and went to your bedroom. You were sound asleep and he felt guilty waking you up, but only a little.

“Y/N, wake up,” he said softly, shaking you gently. You woke up fairly quickly.

Rubbing at your eyes, you whined, “What are you doing?”

“Come on, let's go for a midnight swim.”

That made you smile. A midnight swim was a tradition for you and Jihoon. The first midnight swim always occurred within the first week of summer to mark its official start. Midnight swims were sacred for the two of you because they were just yours. No parents, no Junkyu, and no Yoonbin. It was your time with each other, so it was special.

“Okay, let me just change.”

He shook his head as you climbed out of bed. “No time! We'll just swim in our clothes!” he exclaimed in a hushed tone. Without another word, he grabbed your hand and pulled you along with him.

The two of you were panting slightly as you stood on the beach near the water. The night was quiet and no one else was out, which was kind of surprising. “Um, Jihoon?” you questioned, finally able to get a word in. He hummed in response, his eyes taking in the waves in the moonlight. “I'm not wearing pants.”

His eyes immediately went to your legs, realizing you were only in a T-shirt and underwear. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, peeling his eyes away. “I shouldn't have just pulled you out of there like that or looked at you.”

That made you giggle and he was kind of confused. “It's fine. It was basically an invitation for you to look.”

“Well, we can just swim in our underwear? It's like swimwear anyway.”

You both knew that wasn't completely true. Underwear was more intimate than swimwear, which was why they were called “intimates”. Still, you didn't say anything and nodded instead. Jihoon was quick to strip and remove his shirt and sweatpants. He waited nervously as you removed your shirt.

“You can look at me, Jihoon. I won't think you're a pervert or anything,” you said. He nodded and looked at you, trying his best to not check you out. You held out your hand. “Come on, let's go.”

He took your hand and then the two of you ran into the water. For the next half hour or so, you just swam and talked. Things felt normal for the first time all day. Maybe things didn't have to return to normal, though. Things had changed, clearly, but maybe it wasn't bad. Maybe things could change to a new kind of normal.

“Summer has officially begun,” Jihoon grunted softly as he sat down on the porch of the house. Content smiles were on both of your faces.

You sighed happily. “I thought it was going to be like any other summer, but it feels different. It feels like something big will happen.”

You sounded wistful; like you hoped it would be different. “Are you talking about the kiss?”

Jihoon couldn't believe he blurted that out. All he wanted to do was disappear, but he couldn't. “That kiss didn't mean anything, Jihoon. I mean, you were just drunk and upset,” you said. “We can't like each other, either, right? We just wouldn't work. I mean, me with you?”

What was that supposed to mean? “Yeah, you're right. We wouldn't work,” Jihoon said, getting worked up because he was upset. “I'm not good enough for you, right? I can't compare to Eunwoo. He's gorgeous, tall, and x, y, and z. Why would you want me when you could have him?”

You opened your mouth to talk, but Jihoon was already storming inside.

♡♡♡♡

“Where's Jihoon?” your mother asked, joining you on the porch the next afternoon.

You shrugged, “Probably with Junkyu or Yoonbin. I don't know.”

She sat down next to you. “Interesting.”

Letting out a small sigh, you bookmarked your page and set your book down. It was obvious your mother knew something was going on between you and Jihoon and wanted answers. “We got into a fight last night, okay?”

Clearly, you were upset. “What happened? Come on, vent to Momma,” she said, making you smile a bit.

“At that party the other night, he got really drunk and kissed me. I was gonna act like it hadn't happened for the rest of my life since I thought it was just a drunken kiss, but I think it meant more to Jihoon than I thought,” you confessed to her. “He brought it up last night and then stormed off looking upset. I was just flustered and couldn't stop talking, so I think there was some misunderstanding. I've tried to clear things up, but he's avoiding me, ignoring my calls and texts, and even hangs up Yoonbin and Junkyu's phones when I call them.”

She smiled, soothingly stroking your hair. “He's just upset. Give him time to cool off and I'm sure he'll be open to talking again. Jihoon could never stay mad at you.” You nodded, hoping she was right. “The more important thing is if you like Jihoon back. From what I can tell, he likes you but is jealous of other guys, especially Eunwoo.”

You had no idea how she knew about Eunwoo and could only assume she had eavesdropped when you were on the phone with Herin earlier. “Eunwoo is nice and everything, but he's a little dull and awkward. I really like Jihoon. He's like my best friend. He understands me so well and everything about him is great. I think I've always liked him but I've wanted things to stay normal.”

“Well, sometimes normal has to change and become a new normal. Don't let ideas like that keep you from being happy, sweetie,” she told you. She made a really good point.

You smiled at her, “Thanks, Mom. I really needed this.”

“Of course, kiddo.”

She went back inside and you picked your book back up, feeling better than you had all day.

That evening, you had been so prepared to talk to Jihoon, but he didn't come home. You had forgotten Junkyu was going to have his house to himself, so Jihoon was staying over along with Yoonbin. Junkyu had invited you, but you felt awkward to just show up after a whole day of avoiding each other. You decided to just stay at home with all the parents. It was weird since Jihoon and you were almost always together, but it really helped you to realize just how much Jihoon meant to you.

You couldn't sleep that night. It was so weird that the whole day passed without you and Jihoon talking. It made you feel weird and unsettled. Instead of just laying in bed, you went downstairs for ice cream. When you got down there, you just about had a heart attack when you saw Jihoon sitting at the table.

“What are you doing here?!” you exclaimed in a hushed tone, a hand over your pounding heart. “I almost peed my pants!”

That made the corners of his mouth twitch slightly. “I couldn't sleep, so I left Junkyu's,” he told you. You nodded, feeling awkward. “Okay, that's not the complete truth. I felt really guilty for ignoring you all day and couldn't sleep. I came here to talk to you, but I chickened out and have been sitting here trying to give myself the confidence for the past 10 minutes.”

“You didn't have to chicken out. I've been trying to talk to you all day.”

He nodded. “I know, but I was hurt and upset.”

“That's why I was trying to talk to you. It was a misunderstanding, Jihoon. I was just talking without thinking because I like you, too. Eunwoo-oppa is just a friend. He may be good looking and stuff, but he doesn't begin to compare to you,” you confessed. “You're my best friend, Jihoon, and you'll always be my number one. I never told you this because I was afraid of things changing, but I shouldn't be. Change is good and that's how a new normal can come about.”

He finally cracked a smile. “God, I'm an idiot,” he said softly. He was going to say something else but shut his mouth when you used your finger to angle his head and kiss him.

It was awkward since he was sitting and you were standing, but he was quick to pull you down onto his lap. The kiss spoke more than actual words. You knew he wanted you and vice-versa. You guys loved each other and didn't have to be afraid anymore. The kiss was filled with passion as your lips moved in sync and tongues explored. It probably wouldn't have escalated from there, but you would never know. The kiss was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a camera. You turned and saw both of your mother's.

Letting out a small yelp, you threw yourself off Jihoon. In the process, you tripped over your own foot and fell on your back. “You guys are so embarrassing!” Jihoon cried out as he quickly helped you up.

“Hey! Let us be happy!” his mother exclaimed. “Do you know how long we've waited for this? We've been wanting you two to end up together since you were kids.”

You sighed. “You got your wish, happy?” you asked. They nodded and you shook your head slightly. “We're going to bed, now, so goodnight.”

All of you went to your respective rooms. You pecked Jihoon's lips one last time before turning to go to your room. Jihoon grabbed your wrist and spun you around, crashing his lips onto your own. Once again, you got distracted and lost in the kiss.

“Sleep well, Y/N,” he said softly as you went to your room, making your insides melt.

You both shut your doors and let out dreamy sighs before climbing into bed, ready for whatever the rest of the summer had in store for you guys.

[motownfiction]

18, 21, 30, 9, 1, 10, 7

1. describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

relatively low stakes, more about character development and relationships than about a twisted plot, takes place in a bygone era.

7. share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

this is from a vignette in goodbye, yellow brick road about daniel running into steph at sam's headstone:

They stare at the headstone for just a little while longer. There’s so much Daniel wants to say to her. That he’s sorry they lost touch. That he knows why they did. That he’s sorry Steph and Sam never found their way back to each other. He wants to say all of it, but he doesn’t want to overstep. He’s not sure how you talk to somebody like this – somebody who used to take up a corner of your life, whose stray hairs wound up in chapter four of your World History textbook, whose pizza order and landline you couldn’t forget if you tried. Somebody who lives in the same county she always did – the same county you always did – and is still gone.

i like it because it describes a very real phenomenon: missing someone who was once so close to you, their hair shed onto your belongings. this is someone you used to know and love so well, but now, everything about them is unfamiliar to you. different. but even underneath all that newness and unfamiliarity, you can still see the person you used to be so close to. and sometimes (which is true in daniel's case), you bite the bullet and reestablish that closeness.

9. which fic has been the hardest to write?

out of the mini series, it's definitely been goodbye, yellow brick road. i think that's partially because sam isn't in it to punch things up with music and humor, which the rest of the characters certainly feel (and grieve). i think, also, there's the element of "obviously every beat in this story is predictable" because it's a very typical grief narrative, so every time i write another vignette, i'm like, "here's a question. is this worth it?" luckily, i'm almost done, anyway.

10. which fic has been the easiest to write?

again, from the mini series: dance hall days. it was the shortest and the silliest. basically, all i had to do was be cute for sixteen installments. the other two mini series have been significantly longer (and at least a little more serious) than that.

18. do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?

for a standalone vignette, no. that just comes out like romantic poetry (though i do some light-ish editing before actually posting, lol). for the vignettes in a mini series, there is a little more planning. when i start one vignette, i'll have a note underneath it that says what the next vignette should be: which characters we should connect with, what decisions they should make, what disagreements they should have, etc. i try to make sure i'm balancing the major players in a series with some of the supporting ones so that it feels like the reader (if anyone is reading them) isn't overwhelmed with big conflict after big conflict. i also want to offer a diverse array of feelings and perspectives, so in the case of goodbye, yellow brick road, that means hearing from smaller players, like carrie and cordelia, every now and then. to sum up: yes, i have little outlines for mini series, and these are the things that go into them.

21. how many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

once or twice. these are not big long fic chapters like i used to write -- they're small, low-stakes vignettes that are really easy to self-contain. so i read them over once or twice and occasionally make good changes, but it's not the same as it was before.

30. do you accept prompts?

obviously! but usually they come from a prompt list, and i have you (et.al, where applicable) send numbers you want to see from that list i already vetted. i'm not sure if i'd fulfill a prompt i didn't reblog as an option, though. it would depend on what it was and if it was in my general wheelhouse!

[lost-along-the-wave]

Books I'll Love Forever

I can't for the life of me remember which book caused me to fall madly in love with books but I'm very glad I did. So to spread my absolute love of books, here are some of the ones I've read a hundred times and to this day still fall in love with every single time. ( In no particular order) P. S. I have a habit of loving a book even more if it totally and completely breaks my heart. • If I Stay by Gayle Forman As the first book that ever actually made me cry, this story will always hold a special place in my heart. At first glance it seems to be nothing more than a tragic love story but it is so much more. This story is about the love of a family and it tries a new angle on the idea of loss. Mia's story is equal parts heartbreaking and heartwarming. • The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky This book is everything. I read this for the first time in 10th grade and I'd never found a character so relatable before. This book is perfect for a coming of age novel and it is strikingly real. Despite never really being in any of the situations myself, it is written in a way that resonates. • We Were Liars by E. Lockhart This is in the running for my all time favourite book. This book is written so beautifully and so well that despite how many times I've read it, I still can't find a way to predict the twist that broke my heart. The language is also so perfect that I often find myself getting lost in it. • Away We Go by Emil Ostrovski Admittedly I only bought this book because of the colourful cover and the Peter Pan references but I've never been more thankful for my quick judgment. This book is a story of loving someone who loves someone else, who loves someone else, etc. Basically no one is loved by who they want to be loved by and that's not even the most heartbreaking thing about their lives or lack thereof. This book broke my heart in almost every chapter. • I'll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson This is the book that made me fall in love with the name Jude for a girl. Told in two different perspectives in two different times this book will leave you feeling both content and sad but you'll fall in love with the characters who are just trying to find their way. • The Strange And Beautiful Sorrows Of Ava Lavender by Leslye Walton When I first started reading this book my first thought was "umm…what?", but surprisingly it didn't turn out how I thought it would. This story is just as the title implies, strange and beautiful sorrows, but it is so beautifully written and the story is so mesmerizing that you'll forget about all the strangeness and fall in love with the beautiful. • Simon Vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli Full disclosure this is my favourite book that isn't heartbreakingly tragic. It is equally funny, meaningful, and sad. It shows insight into the mind of a closeted gay teenager threatened with being outed but it surprised me how subtly it was placed into the the story. Most of this book just made me laugh and towards the end it made my heart hurt but the real reason I love this book is because of the beautiful messages within it about race, sexuality, friendship, and life. • The Impossible Knife Of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson Post traumatic stress disorder is a common diagnosis in war veterans but is often brushed aside or overlooked. This book tells the story of a daughter who's father is exactly that. It poetically describes what it is like to have a loved one live with the mental illness without sugar coating it too much. I don't know who my heart broke for more; the daughter or her father. • Me And Earl And The Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews The title pretty much gives away the whole plot of the book but what it doesn't tell you is how totally random, weird, funny and heartbreaking the story truly is. A lot of times I had to put the book down and say "what the fuck?", because a lot of this plot is questionable, but all in all it's a very good read and it's very subtle about it's heartbreak. • Me Being Me Is Exactly As Insane As You Being You by Todd Hasak-Lowry This book is definitely not for everyone, it certainly took some getting used to for me, not because of the story itself but how it's formatted. The book is written entirely in lists. Yes lists. Every "chapter" starts of with a title like "4 Things I Noticed In The Span Of 30 Seconds" and then will go on to list them. The story is a little weird but it's an interesting read. • Two Boys Kissing by David Levithan You might recognize the authors name as he co-wrote Will Grayson Will Grayson with John Green but this book is probably not what you're expecting. There are three different stories being told but they're being told by the same person, or people I guess. The narrative is in the perspective of all the people who have died from AIDS looking down at the world and watching these stories play out. It's definitely worth the read. • All The Missing Girls by Megan Miranda Honestly this book made me remember why I have a love hate relationship with mystery novels. This books starts off at the present time and the jumps to 15 days in the future. If that's not infuriating enough it then proceeds to go backwards from day 15 to day 1 in order to piece together the mystery from the present and a similar one 10 years in the past. Unfortunately I couldn't put it down. • The Rest Of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness I don't know about you but I've always wondered what happened to the people who were just kind of there for the drama but didn't play a role in it. Like in the Harry Potter books hundreds of kids attended Hogwarts but only like 10 of them were actually relevant to the plot. What about the rest of them? This book is them. Not literally them, this is not a Harry Potter book, but it is in the perspective of the other guys, well four of them at least. They're very away of everything that happens and the treat it like it's a normal occurrence, like the vampires attacking was just another day for them. • We Are All Made Of Molecules by Susin Neilsen As a child of a broken family this book was very relatable for me despite the characters being younger than me. Blended families can be a weird change and it's not always as easy as it may seem and I think this book beautifully shows how much of a struggle it really can be. • A List Of Cages by Robin Roe This book deals with abuse and some parts made me physically sick to my stomach. One of the main characters is portrayed as innocent in every way and I'm still not sure whether that makes it worse or not. There are also some very beautiful parts in this book and that's part of the reason I couldn't put it down. • Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell There are not enough words to describe how I feel about this book. It is about defying stereotypes, discovering who you are, falling in love, being set free, being comfortable with yourself, and so so much more. Many of my friends will say that this is their all time favourite book. Very strong recommendation for this breathtaking story. • Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz Of all the books I've read this is the book I can quote the most. I fell in love from the very first page and the story never let me forget it. This story is about growing up, but at the same time it's not. It's about all the things the world has to offer, you just need to find the right person to show you. I gave my whole heart to this book and I still don't regret it. • It's Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini I committed a serious crime with this story; I watched the movie first. Thank goodness the book was 1000x better because wow that movie, while still very good, was a train wreck. Craig's story is so breathtakingly honest and pure that it helped me understand myself a little bit more. It's alright to not know what's going to happen, just focus on what's happening now. • Suicide Notes From Beautiful Girls by Lynn Weingarten Spoiler alert: to the best of my knowledge this book did not contain a single suicide note that I can remember. Mostly this book is focused on the why but not in the normal way. It's not why did she kill herself, it's why did she kill herself that way. Friendship is a blessing and a curse because you might think you know someone but you might not know them at all. Honestly this book makes me so angry because despite the many conversations I've had with my friends we still haven't come up with a solid understanding of the ending. Please help. • Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon Again this is one of those novels that sweeps me off my feet with the beautiful imagery in the language. I can practically feel myself in the story and crazy twist at the end is not something I ever could've predicted. It's an easy story to love. • Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire I read this book in 7th grade which admittedly was wayyyyy to young for the type of content in this book. Unlike most of the previous books this one is a little more your normal romance book. Two college kids make a deal to be friends, fall in love, have a bunch of fights/breakups, etc. I know what you're thinking, "Why is this book even on the list?" To be honest I debated for a long time whether or not to include it but I ultimately decided that it is still one of my favourite books because Travis and Abby are just too damn cute. • Remember To Forget by Ashley Royer This is the book that got me hooked on Wattpad. For those of you who don't know it's an app/website where people can write and post stories for anyone to read as long as they have an account, don't worry it's free :). This book, like a lot of Wattpad stories, started out as a Five Seconds Of Summer fanfiction but was rewritten and edited when it actually got published. Yes I do read 5SOS fanfic every now and again and yes I was obsessed for a while but now most of the stories I read are regular teen fiction and trust there are some amazing writers out there. If you want to get the app, or already have it, and are looking for some reading suggestions feel free to ask :) This book is about moving on a letting go and realizing that it's okay to let people help you. • History Is All You Left Me By Adam Silvera As a story that broke my heart approximately 2 pages in it will always be a story I'll love. The plot focuses on Griffin and jumps between the past and present telling stories of his life with and without his ex boyfriend. Beautifully written, heartfelt, and tragic this novel is everything.