#i'd never really thought of my blog from the perspective of NOT knowing I'm american

[kimyoonmiauthor]

Thanks for your blog! As an African-American writer/editor born in Miami, raised in India, and married to a Polish Roma woman, I must say that reading your perspectives on story structures other than the hero's journey made my day. I so regret that I missed the class you taught last September. Any chance you might teach another one soon... or share the class materials in some format? Thank you!

The turn out for that class was low which is why I didn't teach the class again.

I am planning to make some (better) Youtube videos doing break downs. There are youtube videos up, but I kinda want to do better now that I know the whole story from beginning to end.

Currently, I'm working on History of Adoption youtube videos. I have finished the first episode. It took me 9 months of work... so... yeah. I made it because a lot of adoptees don't know the history of adoption and I have a fondness for hidden history (which is kinda obvious by now).

BTW, I'm not averse to teaching again, but I would need a fair contract with all of the correct bells and whistles.

I also want to write the book, but I'm not 100% confident that I have enough of a platform to do so, so I'd have to build that up a bit.

I've been slowly collecting books too, but as I'm poor, it's been slow. Ah, I still want a from 1990's Stephen King "On Writing" where he gave the history of agents and then called them evil. lol Because his new book cut that chapter, but the old chapters were useful for the history of publishing. BTW, if anyone has a copy, I need the chapters where he says something on the lines of getting an intellectul copyright lawyer is better, but then he also goes over agents, If I remember correctly it's around the middle of the book. (I can't remember numbers, but I do remember reading it).

Terry Brooks, though, from that time period is probably my favorite of the white male authors. Diluted ego and he goes into telling you how and when to STAY HUMBLE. Rambling in this heat a little, but you get the point.

Also, since The workshop I taught never really released a video, I thought I should probably teach a more indepth version, though with cartoon characters instead so you get visuals, though most of it isn't G or PG. (I mean the male ego around making it about male version of sex... lol c'mon. Really dudes? You're advocating this for children's books too? Is that that the best resonance?)

[diaryofme98]

Journal Entry #2

The power was out yesterday and I used the time to read through some of the texts I sent Fabian last year to the fake number. Honestly, now that I know he for sure read all of these, because of Finch (thanks Fabian) it gives me a different perspective on them. We really did bond in a fucked up way in June.

I told him about all my psychosis, every single problem I ever had with my family, my insecurities, etc. I showed him a gross picture of my room, I sent him a picture of my boob, and I sent him a thousand gifs of couples kissing when I was going through the worst of my psychosis and needed something happy to focus on.

The most fucked up part about June is I used texting Fabian as a coping mechanism. I used it to help me with the worst of my schizophrenia. So for him to just... Take everything I said and use it to scare me. Man. It's uncool. It is totally uncool. I thought we had something going with each other. Yeah he never responded through the fake number, but we had a bond going. We were repairing the damage between us.

So for him to fucking go all American Psycho on my ass, get an honest to God bald cap, and scare the shit out of me when he knew how poorly I was doing... It's just fucking disappointing. Like I expected better of him.

I trusted him with the most vulnerable parts of me and once again he fucking disappointed me and betrayed me. He keeps doing this. I don't know how he can drive to my freaking house and scare me then text me telling me he wants nothing to do with me. It's a far distance between Texas and California! It isn't an easy trip to make! He put so much effort into scaring me! He's such a jerk.

I know in his defense I said some pretty not okay things on my texts last year. I mean. I WAS in psychosis. I wouldn't have said those things in my right mind. I certainly wouldn't have sent a photo of my boob either. So it's like. Cut me a break. I just talked about family incest and being molested as a kid. And thank God none of that really happened but ... I fucking thought it did? I genuinely thought my dad raped me? I was paranoid and psychotic. He didn't need to make it worse by scaring me. Fabian could have used the most vulnerable time of my life to be there for me. He could have helped me! Instead he made it worse.

I don't know what to think of Fabian anymore. I know he knows too much about me. The mess that occurred last year... I told him everything. And maybe it is a good thing we aren't in each other's lives anymore. I don't know. I don't even know if I have feelings for him anymore. I don't know if I see him as a best friend anymore. I'd like to. But I probably just need to choose myself for once. I need to protect myself.

I know he's probably reading my blog. He'll probably keep reading this to see if I figure out anymore about him stalking me on a motorcycle. Or he'll just read it in general to stalk me.

If you are reading this Fabian:

I wish we could put aside the bullshit and talk. I won't tell anyone you stalked me last year if you are honest about it. I think you'll find I'm a pretty accepting person. I just want to talk to you. Yeah you did something weird and fucked up, but clearly my texts from last year pissed you off. It's not an excuse but like... I get you are a human. I get you have emotions. I get you have reasons for doing what you do. I'd rather not just be a girl you stalk quietly. I'd rather be in your life in some capacity. I'd be your friend again, if you ever wanted that. I don't know why you are willing to stalk me but you aren't willing to talk to me. Am I that freaking scary? You scared me! I'm not that intimidating. I'm 5'3, I have schizophrenia, and I'm kind of probably just the same nerd you remember dating. I'm not that different honestly. My medicine manages my mental illness. I'm really just- I'm really just okay.

I go to Baylor next year for college. Maybe you'll be more willing to talk to me when I'm away from my family. I don't know why I get that vibe. I guess cause you stalked me. So maybe when I'm alone you'll talk to me. I don't know. I'll move on with my life, I'll do other things, but I'll probably always be curious about talking to you. Not only cause you were my first love, but I think you are mentally fucked up in the same way as me, we are both weirdos as you once told me. And I never did meet another person like you.

[dzpenumbra]

2/8/23

There's this unfortunate theme going on in my life that's rearing its head lately. "I thought I was doing really well, then I started noticing that I'm really not doing well." And I want to say I'm inflating it a bit? Like... okay... let me find a way to put this into words. That I'm doing much better and doing a lot worse at the same time? In different respects, you know? So, some stats went up and others went down? I hope that makes sense.

I think it's part of getting older, and fixating on specific things. Today's challenge has been... as with yesterday... overwhelm. And identifying what the overwhelm really is. And what specifically it is about. And what to do about it. You know, no big. It's just completely crippling my ability to accomplish tasks on a day-to-day basis. So... figured I'd get around to addressing it. <shrug>

On a quick side-note, my hip flexors are being absolute bitches. I am realizing, as I said earlier with the whole... losing stats thing... I have no idea how to fucking sit properly, and I think it completely ruined my body. I don't think it's irreversible, obviously, but like... the damage is pretty severe. I think it's gonna take some time. And I did an intense core workout today and I'm afraid I intuitively used my hip flexors when I shouldn't have. And it doesn't feel good at all. So... that would of course be another reason to go to yoga with a teacher. To get corrections on shit like that, so I can learn what it feels like to use neglected muscle groups. Because I'm just flat-out guessing right now, and I might be guessing wrong.

Okay, back to overwhelm. So... what happened today was... after yoga and all that, I started to do the one big life thing I really wanted to get done today. Email my old therapist and see if he would be willing to help me (at least consult) with the screening and managing ADHD thing. He and I have a history, he knows me very well. But ADHD never came up. So, I'm sure he'd have a unique perspective. I wrote like 4 paragraphs summing up the situation (and if you follow this blog, you know that 4 paragraphs for me is fuckin short) and then remembered that my current social worker dude messaged me back. I went over to read his message and... something in there... something just fucking overwhelmed the hell out of me. My brain just turned to noise and I couldn't fucking understand the words I was reading. Like it just switched to another language or something, and I just was getting really frustrated and like... repelled? Like I just really did not want to be reading it. I gathered very little from the message, like the first few sentences, then it was just like... another language or something.

Here's the fucked up part. I was on Reddit before all of this, reading posts on how peoples' experience with the non-stimulant ADHD meds I was told I could be prescribed went for people. And on my way off of reddit, I saw someone's post, a random one in some general subreddit about their salary in France and how they are upset that their salary is so low compared to equivalent American salaries with the same degree. And a French citizen working in America responded to them, in French. The first paragraph was entirely in French. I took like 3 years of French in high school, I actually really liked it. I was never fluent, I never had opportunity to practice it conversationally (despite my mom being a former French major with a degree, but, yeah...) so I never really got comfortable expressing my thoughts in French, but I got really damn good at reading it and understanding it when it was spoken. I tried my hand at reading it now, 20 years later. I couldn't just get it fluidly, I was very slow at reading, but there were only like one or two words that I couldn't really logically parse in the whole first paragraph. That was a really cool feeling, I felt like I still had it, you know? Then I go and read the message that my social worker sent to me in my goddamn native tongue and my brain scrambles and I can't understand it!

I think the juxtaposition of those two events helped me start to understand that something else was at play here. My big question is what? While talking with my mom later about it, my first conjecture was emotional overwhelm, but like... what was the emotion? Was there even emotion present? Stress, I guess? She seemed to immediately reject emotion being the reason that happened, from the data I presented. My next theory was a trauma response, which can manifest in similar ways. A blindsiding force that just... hits me with a wall of overwhelm to push me away from "dangerous" things and situations. This could be it, because the point where I started getting overwhelmed was around where he was talking about all the screening for controlled substances and all that shit, and that's a big vortex of past traumatic experiences for me. But I didn't feel the trauma response. So... there's a running theory that I was kinda brainstorming.

Maybe trauma and ADHD overwhelm are working hand-in-hand, which is making them a bit... indiscernible? So, like... if I go in to do the dishes and I get hit by this gigantic wave of overwhelm... it's not because I have a trauma response to dishes... I really don't, I've done them enough times to feel confident on that. But that inhibiting force that I have to brute-force or finesse through is right there, blockading me and incapacitating me. If I get a trauma response? I feel like that same overwhelm might be on the very front-lines of that experience. Meh, I'm second-guessing myself. I don't fucking know, honestly. Maybe this was just an example where both were present, and the traumatic response was more manageable, but the executive functioning overwhelm part was not.

The reason I connected those dots was because there's a big common thread there - emotions. My massive emotional responses. So the thing that really confused me today was like... I thought I was having a trauma response - because in the doctor's office I think it was definitely a major factor - but... I didn't feel the anxiety, the caution, the alertness, the lack of safety... like I just got dropped into the woods at night and I hear sticks cracking around me, but... in a more subtle way. Like that same feeling, but the volume on it turned down to like... a 4. I didn't get that when my social worker messaged me, I got... just like... frustration and ugghhh, like nails on a chalkboard or something. Which is definitely an emotion, right? But like... I don't know, is tedium an emotion or just... a thing? Like I felt like a toddler about to have a meltdown because they have to wait 5 minutes before their TV show comes on or something, and I was just like bouncing in my seat like... "ughhh come onnnn, why doesn't this make sense? Why is this stressful?"

So, that's been the big musing of the evening. I would say the dishes example is like... clear-cut ADHD overwhelm. The doctor's office, where I straight up drew a blank when the doctor asked me what my primary fucking medium was as an artist, was much more PTSD/anxiety dominant. And today... was probably a blend of a light PTSD trigger, but mostly ADHD overwhelm. So, what I'm getting at, is that the mix might be a major factor in why things are so goddamn difficult for me right now. Like... the solutions for PTSD and depression have been right in front of me, and I've had people getting deeply frustrated and even giving up because I was too overwhelmed by them to even try. I just kept insisting someone come with me to make that process easier to manage, which ADHD people call body-doubling. So, and this is really a hail mary at this point, I am guessing the reason that I get super overwhelmed by the prospect of going to do things alone (on most days) is an ADHD thing. Trauma reinforces the overwhelm and confirms it, depression drains me of the confidence to brute-force through the overwhelm. So, while I focused so damn hard on doing trauma work and managing all that, this underlying inner chaos has been pushing back against it the entire time. And, for some reason, I kept getting side-eyes from people as though I was like... rejecting easy solutions to fix my life. Like I was being picky, or being needy, or dramatic, or I wanted to be alone or unsuccessful. But really, the idea of going to the skatepark felt that overwhelming. The idea of going to a coffee shop and just sitting there felt that overwhelming.

The worst part, as I said earlier, I had a strategy to overcome that overwhelm. Companionship. A... side-quest, essentially. So... no matter what, whether it's overwhelming or hard or not, I came out of it with something.

It's so weird, to me this entire narrative makes perfect sense and yet to so many people I talk to it's like I'm speaking another language. If someone came up to me and invited me to go shopping with them, and I didn't even need anything, I would say yes. Even if they weren't good friends. Because the act of doing that is already a success. But if I were to just go shopping by myself? The stars have to fucking align. The right amount of confidence, right time of day, I have to know exactly what I'm getting, why I'm going, I need a plan, I need a timeframe. Already the brain tornado is going full-tilt and I haven't even decided whether I'm fucking going yet. I've been dealing with this for like... 15 years, at least. At this level of severity, at least.

So... what the fuck is that? Is that ADHD? From my understanding, it very likely is. So... picture this. Do you think I would be a shut-in if I didn't have so much trouble leaving my house for stuff like that? Do you think it'd be easier to work on social anxiety stuff if I didn't have that barrier? Do you think my depression would be as bad? Like... I have this running theory that the underlying overwhelm, focus and organization problem causes all the other problems to completely snowball out of control, it feeds them. But, if the underlying problems can be addressed... I feel like that could snowball the other mental health shit in the opposite direction, in a positive direction.

I don't know how to sum this up succinctly - obviously, I just wrote a fucking book here trying to make sense of it. But I think it makes a lot of sense why the help I was being offered in the past wasn't working. It's not a fault of the help at all, it's good advice. But I have to jump 15 hurdles before I even get to the help... and I could use some help with the hurdles, you know? Instead of like... judgement... that those hurdles even exist for me...

I have a splinter in my finger I keep poking at. I want it out! :(

Oh yeah, so last thing. So... I was looking at the medications that the doctor said she could prescribe. I have given this like 45 minutes total research, so please don't take this as gospel and correct me if I'm wrong... but the non-stimulant meds for ADHD seem to be... targeting different symptoms than the stimulant ones. It seems like the stimulant ones are --- you know what, after wikipedia-rabbit-holing a bit.... I'm just not going to weigh in on this. I'm skeptical. Because stimulant medications have been proven effective for fucking decades and these other new ones are literally labeled as "alternative treatments" and shit, off-label effects and all that, and I'm frankly really fucking tired of taking medications for the "side-effects" when god knows what else it's doing to my body. For fuck's sake, this psychiatrist had me on an anti-psychotic, Seroquel, for well over 2 years because the side-effect was... it made me super fucking sleepy. And I took it to help me sleep. Like... there's nothing else I could've taken? Do we know what else that medication could've been doing? I don't know, it's weird to me. It feels like how Coca Cola can be used as a cleaning fluid because it's corrosive or something, so just use Coke to clean your house! I don't know. I just... I have an aversion. I want to go with the tried and true medications, at least try them, and apparently I just don't get access to them because they think I'm going to sell them to college kids so they can study real hard and have stupid parties where they giggle and stay up all night. Totally. Totally going to get rid of my meds that are like... possibly the key to turning my entire life around... for like $5 a pop, so I can... spend that money on fucking what? Or what, I'm gonna take a double dose and feel really cool for a bit? Then not get a dose the next day because of that and have to deal with all the burdening shit I'm dealing with right now again? Like... I swear... people just don't understand this shit.

But if I want to even try the stimulants to see if they work, and I go to a doctor to procure them legally, rather than try them on the street... I will be piss tested. Not piss tested to monitor my usage of the medication, mind you. Piss tested to check for other drugs. None of which would be legal drugs. Well, one would be... the only one that would actually show up for me at any point, in fact the only substance I have in my life that even remotely works for me (and we have a very messy relationship) besides caffeine. THC. So if I get the stimulants, and I decide I want to try smoking before bed again, because it was the best sleep I had gotten in years... when I didn't freak out... And to see if the meds help with my racing thoughts and panic attacks and all that... If I smoke, I lose my meds. I go back to this. Even though it has been legal for recreational use since 2017. The logic here? I'm guessing by their logic... THC indicates drug abuse (somehow) and drug abuse means... more drug abuse. And more drug abuse means the stimulants. Right? So... um... wait, no... what? XD Here's the best part: cannabis isn't even biologically addictive. And I guarantee this piss test doesn't check for alcohol, which is like the most fucking abused substance since the dawn of time. So yeah, I'm still really pissed about that. It's like a handful of self-absorbed hedonists decided to binge on anesthesia, so now if you want to get put under for surgery, everyone needs to be screened for deviant behavior. Even grandma. It's fucking lazy, it's draconian, it punishes everyone for the wrongdoings of the few.

I met with my former friend from high school (don't even wanna call her former best friend anymore) last summer. She was homeless, she was getting high by the river the day before her court hearing for a case where she was caught as an accomplice smuggling fentanyl across state lines. She was in rehab, and was getting high by a river in a beautiful park. She has 5 kids. She told me about how she was making money by selling her Suboxone (a drug used to help with opiate withdrawal) to her ex boyfriend, likely so he could get high, maybe so he could sell it himself, I don't fucking know. She wasn't even trying to detox, and she had fucking kids she lost custody of because of the shit. And me? I detoxed off of benzos alone, unsupervised, three fucking times. And I was prescribed them every time. I had to check myself into a rehabilitation retreat to be safe in getting myself off of medications that doctors fucking put me on and wouldn't help me get off of. I quit cigarettes cold turkey after smoking for 18 years. I have used substances recreationally less than any person that I know who uses recreational substances. At the peak of my smoking weed this summer, I was smoking like... 2 hits before I went to bed. Like, I can't remember the last time I smoked an entire bowl, let alone a joint. These motherfuckers smoke 2g joints for breakfast. And I get lumped in with them. And I get lumped in with them.

It hurts. Real bad. And, at the end of the day, I just wanna say this out loud. To any of you out there buying these prescriptions - pain pills, benzos, stimulants, etc. - prescriptions that people fucking need to function, because they have constant pain problems, they have acute crippling panic/anxiety issues, they have attention functioning issues... To those of you faking these conditions so you can get high for a few hours, or so you can make some petty cash selling these drugs to kids? Go fuck yourself with a rusty rake.

Okay, that's out of my system. Yay. That was well overdue. I'm late for bed, bye.

Um... good vibes first. Yeah, need a vibe reset! XD

I finished my bracelet, finally. The hemp cord weave that I was going to use for the necklace? Yeah, I committed to the bracelet design, I made custom findings for it out of paper clips that I reshaped into rings and a clasp. It fits pretty nicely and the clasp came out looking really cool, really legit. It's really cool when you finally make something by hand that looks like you could find it in a nice store, you know? It's far from perfect, but it's a first try that is designed for me, so I'm happy with it!

Alright, that's better! Bed time.

[natjennie]

I gotta know, are you kiwi? like i've never seen you post anything saying you are, but you love wwdits and wellington paranormal and ofmd and stuff which is very much kiwi media and the idea of someone who is not from new zealand just, discovering it all and pretty much dedicating a tumblr blog to it is something i struggle to comprehend. This is a blog dedicated to my culture and the idea of it being run by an american or something is baffling

oh wow, what a fascinating question, I'd never thought of it like that! I am american, not from nz at all lol. I know a lot of the themes of the wwdits-verse and ofmd are deeply new zealand in nature though and I really love reading about how much it means to indigenous people and stuff, especially with taika being māori. I guess something about kiwi media just really resonates with me haha!

I had the wwdits tv show recommended to me after watching silicon valley, and then I watched ofmd and eventually the movie and wellington paranormal, but in general I don't have a bunch of sideblogs or anything, so this blog just becomes dedicated to whatever my current fixation is! I hope I haven't been insensitive in any way or stepped out of place with any of my commentary, always let me know if I'm out of line or should be more informed on something cultural!

[kelleah-meah]

So again, I watched a Youtube video on Dark Academia and decided to share my 2 cents

I'm not going to share the video this time because it doesn't really matter (It was a vid by Jack Edwards, if the mystery is killing you), but I felt compelled to take a look at the comments section to see what people were saying in response to the video.

As I suspected, it was mostly superficial comments on how the Youtuber looked, Hogwarts references, and general love/hateration on the dark academia aesthetic.

But one young person who identified themselves as a high school student who loved the aesthetic but felt very excluded from it because she's not from a wealthy background shared her thoughts on why she felt the DA aesthetic is toxic and boxes people in.

Well, I disagreed with that and thought I'd shared my perspective on it, while also being respectful of the fact that she's going through a difficult period in life, and her conclusion was likely a reflection of that.

Here's what I said:

Please feel free to ignore this, but what you said really touched me, and I feel like I can offer some advice. Just for background info, I'm an African American woman living in city that's predominantly POC. I'm also in my early 40s, and I run an arts and culture blog.

Regarding your response, might I suggest that you appreciate that no *one* person is just *one* thing. Even college professors at historic universities like Cambridge and Harvard wear blue jeans and sweatshirts, but they simply don't do so within the scope of their jobs as professors. They're not boxed in. They're simply applying one version of themselves to a specific space, while applying another version of themselves to another specific space.

That's not limiting or toxic. That's just being human. No one is a "hippie bohemian" or "trendsetting fashionista" all the time. You simply apply what works for you in that aesthetic that you like to your life where you feel it's appropriate.

I agree with you that everyone should live their lives, but the purpose of aesthetics is to feel free to explore the different aspects of you. Something you may be into today may fall by the wayside 10 years from now. And that's OK. Because you're a human being who is constantly growing, developing and exploring. It's one of the more beautiful parts of life. And goodness knows life is hard enough as it is, so why not embrace it?

As someone who lived the "dark academia life" before it was an aesthetic (we're talking the 1990s-early 00s), I never felt alienated by the dark academia world itself. I went to an upper middle class high school (not private school though) and I was surrounded by economically privileged kids who went out of their way to make me feel excluded. But the beauty of dark academia is that all the things that make it what it is are available to everyone outside of that environment.

Almost anyone can read these books if they borrowed from the library, listen to this music online or borrowed it from the library, write handwritten letters, wear clothes in a similar style but at a lower price point, go to museums (on a free day or discounted day), visit art galleries (which is usually free, and if you go during an opening reception, you also get to enjoy free wine and finger food), drink coffee (if you like coffee), write poetry, learn to play chess, study hard, and so on.

It's not the aesthetic that makes you feel excluded, it's the people you associate with it. I enjoyed many of these activities while going to an inexpensive state university on a scholarship. There were days when I dressed in ironed trousers and a nice blouse or sweater, and there were days when I wore ripped jeans and T-shirts.

We're all a work-in-progress, and you should give yourself space to do just that. For me, I studied English Lit., then went into publishing. Now I work for an art gallery, go to the theater for fun, and play jazz and classical albums on my record player. But I also wear blue jeans every day, shop at Aldi's to save money, and blast hip hop and pop music when I want to dance around my home.

Give yourself time and space. Those kids at your school may exclude you, but this aesthetic doesn't. It's for everyone if you know how to adapt it to the person you are now. Not because you're trying to be something you're not, but because you're drawn to something that brings you joy.

Just know that you're not alone, and the road ahead will be worthy of the literature I'm sure you talk about on your blog (should you ever choose to write about it). Have a great rest of your day!

[brockachu]

👀 idk if you would rec said fics on main, cool if you don't want to. But would love to hear about them! - 💖

okie dokie, i got 2 asks about the 2 fics i'd read recently that had really impacted me & helped me with some emotional processing (sorry for the delay, took a bit for my brain to not be scared of the inbox) so please see below the cut

so, a warning first that i'm going to explain why these fic were so impactful to me, which will also delve into me loosely explaining some of my personal mental health issues & hang-ups. there shouldn't be anything trigger, but this is going to be Very personal. if that's uncomfortable, which i get, b/c y'all don't always need to know everything 'about the blogger', i'd suggest skimming for the links & bolded parts. also, these are spoiler free descriptions of the stories/themes.

the first fic is peace will come (no other homeland but you). it's r graves/d hamiltion, rated E, 60k. when it came out was about when my mental health started really going wild (i hit a small manic episode, which resulted in me over-consuming a lot of media + going on that insane run where i made a fancam almost every day for like 3 weeks + really got over-invested/involved in social media). it took me about 2 weeks to read, with my attention span + the fact i never really read one long fic (anything over 10k) at a time b/c i jump between fic or watching things or reading outside of fic (mainly news & op-eds, which i'm now cutting back on for my own mental health tbh; trying to get back into novels or poetry, if anyone has recs). this fic deals a lot with grief, mainly from the perspective of a character supporting someone in grief, but also touches on handling indirect/negligent trauma & learning how to care for yourself by way of allowing others to care for you. but more than the direct things intended in the plot & character development, i think what hit me with this one is the way affection is treated. affection in this story is communication, rather than a prize or a balm or a consequence. affection is treated as a fact and something that happens just because, not as a result or a drive for anything. in counterpoint to the themes of grief and trauma, i found the presence of affection really soothing but also just deeply emotionally impactful. i didn't have an affectionate upbringing & i was also bullied for significant amounts of my childhood (a lot of this ties to my ethnic & racial background, as a viet american child of refugees; i mention this only bc i know it comes up with fleeting regularity on my blog) -- in many ways, i relate a lot to ryan in this story. but also, grief has been something i've carried through a lot of my life (being the child of refugees means death has always been the unspoken companion to all my family's stories; deaths have been marking points in my life from birth and i mean that literally. i can't explain the context of my birth without several deaths being explained too). this story didn't have a lot of specifics that correlated with me, unlike my second rec, but this fic really gets to emotions in a way that i could feel and that i really needed to feel. in case it isn't obvious, i'm very much in the camp of 'sob it out' and 'let this express your feelings for you'. so, if you want a nice slow but steady story that will really let you drag out some feelings about grief & negligence & affection, i'd recommend this one a lot. also because, ultimately, the love in this story is so gentle and beautiful and touching. (side note: i read this Long before i realized i have a mini-crush on actual dougie + i have a strong sense of separation between fic-persona & hockey-persona, which i also have compartmentalized realizing that neither have Anything to do with the real ppl that players are. i get that doesn't make sense or work for everyone, but i thought it would be worth noting.)

and the second fic is: Who Are We to Blame Ourselves for Moving On (To Become Someone). it's currently incomplete, but marked for one more chapter until completion; j eichel/c mcdavid, rated E, 145k. i started reading this one maybe a couple days after i had finished peace will come, which was me inadvertently choosing to roundhouse kick myself with emotional processing in the face for like a solid month. while it's over twice as long as peace will come, it took me roughly the same amount of time, give a couple days, to finish to where it is now. at the time i started it was when my seasonal depression flipped into a downswing and i started pulling back on 'productivity' w/ making things (fancams, edits, sewing projects, baking, cooking, etc). i'm guessing that my reading pace was a little faster because i couldn't get my brain to do anything else anyway. but also, it just hooked me. from the outside, this fic is a pretty standard fake dating premise that just seems kinda goofy and fun. and i love a fake dating fic. and i lowkey really love the mceichel narrative (surprise surprise the bleed through from my actual unfortunate affection for jack ultimate bitch eichel). this one surprises you, or at least it surprised me. it deals explicitly with coming out and the ways it's a process and continuous and never the same, even experiencing as one person, much less sharing it with someone else; tho it's not about mceichel coming out to the public. it's about coming out on a very personal level, which is really, really relateable. but in handling the extremely nebulous landmine topic of coming out, it also weaves in & juggles themes of personal identity (how can an identity be freeing, how can it be heavy, how do you end up trapping yourself in it, how do you let yourself out) and having a sense of responsibility much larger than yourself. so the thing about me is that i grew up as 'the perfect eldest daughter/child' -- i am the most fluent in viet out of all my siblings, ergo my job has always been to be communicator & interpreter between my parents & my siblings. (it's not that my parents don't/can't speak english. it's that they aren't confident in it and code switch constantly. also even when they are speaking only english, they still have always asked me to carry the message on to my siblings in a palatable/understanding manner. and because i've done it my whole life, before i even realized that was what i was doing, i never learned to say no. so my parents have never learned to communicate effectively with my siblings & my siblings have never learned how to communicate effectively with my parents.) i make sure that everyone knows 'what's going on', whether that's event planning or news or anything else. i was also a 'gifted kid' -- made straight a's all through grade school, went to a prep high school with full scholarship, first kid on both maternal & paternal sides to go to a 4-year private university out of state also with scholarship, was wait-listed for duke & accepted to notre dame (i went to another school that some old followers will know but that i no longer mention for privacy, esp on my hockey blog b/c that relates to how i'm like 1-2 degrees separated from the nhl), won writing prizes, etc etc. if any of y'all have watched the disney film encanto, up until age 20 i was basically isabela -- i was Perfect, i was Everything my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/peers/teachers/advisors/bosses/Everyone wanted me to be. and i hated myself, deeply (sometimes, i still do, but i'm aware of it and working on it, always). and eventually i hit such extreme burnout that one of my academic advisors basically had to force me to go on medical leave. y'all may wonder why i went on this tangent about myself -- it's because this fic Hit Me in Every Single One of These Little Spots. the way it hits these beats are not the same as my experiences, but the similarity is there in a way that made it impossible for me not to take multiple sob breaks while reading, especially in the second chapter (ie the more eichs-centric chapter).

like, look, i would almost never recommend an unfinished fic. i also would never bookmark an unfinished fic. except, for this one i am recommending it and for this one i have already bookmarked it. and even if it Never gets completed, i imagine i'll re-read it at least a couple times a year, because it has let me feel a lot of things that i thought i had long come to terms with or at least could pack away, but that i apparently still need re-processing from time to time. also, finishing it got me to kickstart making some tough decisions in my life. idk if i'll ever go into detail about that on here, but that's an aside. so, if you are ready to kick your own repression's ass and okay with maybe ugly crying about it multiple times, i really recommend who are we to blame ourselves for moving on.

okay, so that's my long rambling done. if y'all ever wanna ask more about fic, i'm actually cool with getting asks or even dm's, but i'm not super active the community. who knows, tho, i could end up being semi-involved again. i actually did used to write somewhat regularly. my ao3 is here (all my bookmarks are private ftr, just b/c i prefer it that way).

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[callmegwynbleidd]

So, I thought I'd do something I haven't really seen on tumblr and that's provide a spoiler free review for those who are still on the fence about watching Netflix's The Witcher!

I've got several friends who didn't go near the series because of certain casting choices, adaptation choices and more. So, I hope that some of you enjoy my personal little review of The Witcher.

SPOILER FREE.

Before we begin, I just want to say that I'm a film nerd and would love to direct someday. So, I go deep into these things. Also believe it or not as a major fan of the games I went into the series with gritted teeth and I was actually expecting to HATE it. Yet, here I am with a Witcher themed blog. Says a lot doesn't it?

First up, basics.

Effects. They were pretty good! The CGI was decent and the set design, costume design, and the makeup looked epic. They captured the medieval tone nicely and the world they presented felt just like the games in my opinion. Geralt also looked WAY better then that first wig test. A visual highlight was definitely the blend of practical effects and CGI on the Striga. That creature was all sorts of hellish and it was amazing.

Writing: Very smooth, very timely. I enjoyed it. The humor was good and  Even the weaker plot points were never a complete bore.

Casting: Here's where things get tricky. At first I thought Henry Cavill was a bad choice. (UNBELIEVABLE I know) but I have grown to adore him as Geralt. Henry loves the character, and all aspects of the source material and you can totally tell that by the way he plays Geralt. He's taken elements from the Geralt we know in the games, and the books, and added his own interpretation into the character. I really like this version of the famous White Wolf because he feels familiar, yet new at the same time and doesn't disrespect his source material.

The same has been done with Yennefer, and Ciri. And it's been done very well. Then of course there's Jaskier, to put it simply he was a hoot and an absolute highlight.

Let's address Triss for a second... Personally, I would've preferred her to look like her in game counterpart. I mean if they can give Henry Cavil A WHITE WIG AND YELLOW CONTACTS they can give Anna Shaffer striking red hair. Just saying.

Do it for the gamers.

Now, let's address the pointless hate on black washing. This criticism is typical and rather annoying. Yes, The Witcher is set in a vaguely European land in a medieval Era. And yes, there are infact Canon lands in The Witcher that are home to people of a darker skin color. But with all that aside, I've had so many people complain about the timing of the African American cast, and personally I see no issue with the decision. People need to understand that either the casting crew either get the love of the die hard fans by keeping the cast historically accurate. Or they get globally panned and labeled racists just because of the all white cast. Unfortunately, these days forced diversity is a bullet most casting crews, writers, and directors have to take. It's simply to please the masses, and in my opinion, it takes nothing away from the series or the characters that they gave a darker skin tone to.

Sound track: Brilliant. Both the songs performed by Jaskier, and the instrumentals set amazing tone in every scene.

Characters: well played, well delivered. I have no issues with anyone's performance apart from the bad commander dude in episode three. His delivery was a tad amateur in places, but never poor.

Adaptation thoughts: Personally, I see the games and the books as separate entities. After all, the games are more of a spin off of the books than an adaptation. However, the series is an adaptation of the books with some elements of the game tossed in. All in all, they're different mediums, different versions, and different perspectives. I don't compare the Geralt from the games to the Geralt in the series. Same with the books. They're all unique versions of the same character and the same stories, and they're all epic in their own right.

There you have it! I hope this review encourages those of you who are on the fence about the series to give it a shot, and I hope those of you who have seen it enjoyed my little run down of the series.💜

Please remember this is my personal thoughts on the series without getting into the nitty gritty technical stuff like the cinematography and fight choreography. (Which I also loved btw. It was very well shot and structured, and the ambiance was lovely) and EVERYONE is entitled to their own thoughts and opinions!

Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed this post. If you like this sort of thing, please let me know!💜

[separatist-apologist]

I’m curious to hear any thoughts you might have on the Canto Bight sequence in TLJ. It can be hard for me personally to not react violently to criticism of TLJ since i love it, and the crit is usually made in bad faith from a place of misogyny and racism—all of that weird hate can make it hard to have an actual nuanced critical discussion of the movie. I think there’s something to be said about the pacing with that storyline not feeling quite in the pocket though. It also still tends to feel like Finn’s character is sort of underused in TLJ (though nothing like the trash fire that was his dead end storyline in TROS). That being said, I also love how Rose and Finn ultimately delivered the whole thesis of the movie. Anyway, you always seem to have great perspectives so I would love to hear your thoughts!

I feel like I've made it as a blog when people ask me my feelings on SW. This comes at a perfect time, I'm working on my Merrin/Cal fic.

First of all, I understand why you feel uncomfortable with the criticism. All of those movies were a LIGHTNING rod for racism/misogyny. I'm not saying you do this, but I do personally get frustrated when people swing hard in the opposite direction of like, these films are perfect and if you hate them you're a misogynist. I have a ten year old, she's gone as Rey twice for Halloween. I assure you I do not hate the women in these films. They did a really good job of drawing in a new generation of SW fans.

For me, TLJ makes me...mad. Luke Skywalker is my favorite character. Enough said. To your point about Canto Bite, I think it feels wrong because the morality aspect of it is slapped together as an afterthought. They don't free the children in any meaningful way- they actually cause a lot of problems for the native people/slave children with their break out (and the end scene of the boy using the force to sweep...I'm always like...ok?????).

Rose and Finn are there to help Poe's coup. They're looking for DJ and through their eyes, we get to see a sliver of the way the wealthy elite have benefitted from endless war/profiteering/the imperialism of the last three decades. In the books, a lot of commentary is made that Core worlds never really feel the Empire the way, say, Kashyyyk does. Canto Bite is where the wealthy go to play at the expense of the locals who cannot afford to utilize any of the services they offer.

And thats...real life. It's literally American life for a vast majority of people and JJ Abrams ALMOST takes us there. The movie ALMOST makes a statement before swerving left at the last minute and just abandoning it. Yeah its bad, yeah Rose doesn't like it...but Canto Bite is just ANOTHER macguffin and it makes it feel hollow.

I rewatched all 9 movies when RoS came out and honestly, you could cut all of that and it doesn't change anything so long as DJ ends up with them. It impacted nothing and I'd argue it didn't really stick with the viewer when you're also asking people to grapple with Luke (HATE) and Rey/Ren which is the vastly more interesting story. Poe's coup is ALSO a lot more interesting imo and is criminally just...left untouched.

Much like Finn's WHOLE CHARACTER. He is force sensitive. How many people are even aware? I genuinely, 100% believe JJ caved to the outrage of the worst, loudest voices of this fandom and cut Rose entirely and sidelined Finn but Rian isn't much better. The better part of me feels like maybe they didn't know what to do with him but like, they really didn't try, either. I know people love the romance between Rey/Kylo but I wish the story had been more about Rey/Finn finding their way in the force. The set up is so interesting, his backstory is EASILY the most interesting and it never gets utilized.

I think the sequels will get the prequel treatment over time. The sequels have good parts of them, so don't take this as me like, saying they're utter trash (you know I love Poe and I will hear 0 criticisms). Thats the problems. There are so many narratively interesting pieces to these characters and the movies went the laziest, most boring route to tell a story that is fundamentally at odds with what I thinks Star Wars has always been about.