#i'd much rather be judged by internet strangers | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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3/26/23

So... I just got done with playing Valheim for a few hours. And... I realized halfway through that I wasn't recording... So... I guess that playthrough is not going to be a thing. Not too bothered by it, honestly it's better for me to have that as the single thing in my life that isn't work besides watching streams.

On that note... I... might have to back off of watching Twitch again. I'm just gonna be honest here. There are some very vocal people out there that are making it very hard to want to be part of society. Like... there are a lot of behaviors and shit that have been growing the past few years that... when I first saw them... I was completely godsmacked. Like "wow, you've got a lot of gall". Mostly around political correctness, and... essentially the evolution of the english language.

So... I'm just gonna take a minute to unload this... because I have literally nowhere else to put it... so I'm going to trust that anyone reading this much text can actually understand my dialect. The internet has taken people from all over the globe, from countless different cultures and social groups internationally, and funneled them into the same tight spaces. And... I have noticed a concerningly growing number of people who are taking it upon themselves to... essentially crusade for the "correct culture". Aggressively. Like... angrily, and by lashing out and shaming people for using "outdated" slang or having different cultural preferences or tastes. Which... is essentially xenophobia, honestly. And growing pains of that kind are perfectly natural, but the important part here is the aggression.

Many of the cultures that I grew up in (10-20-30 years ago) pushed back against the boundaries of censorship. I consider a lot of the punk movement as kind of an... extension of the hippie movement, in a lot of ways. And the Jackass/South Park boundary pushing movement as a... different form of kinda doing the same thing. To expand human expression and entertainment through positive intentions. Through humor, through comradery, through laughing at yourself. Johnny Knoxville, I remember, said very clearly that he disapproved of a lot of their imitators and the big wave of YouTube "pranksters" and all that because... their whole philosophy was that the cast were the butt of every joke. Not innocent strangers who didn't sign up for that. It's a very shallow misunderstanding that this new generation just... didn't seem to dig deep enough to really get.

My next example is Bobby Lee - stand up comedian, some-alphabet-character-list actor - who's entire career, I would venture to say his entire life has been making himself the butt of the joke. To point fun at himself, and use that as a way for others to be okay laughing at the silly shit in him, and the silly things we all judge about others, and even laugh at ourselves. It really does have far reaching extensions like that. Bobby Lee being an Asian who finds over-the-top Asian accents hilarious gives the audience permission to laugh at something silly, and disarm it. Rather that fear that someone might hear.

South Park consistently pushed boundaries over and over and over, essentially re-writing the censorship laws. And don't get me started with movies or music. All of these things were done to open up dialogue. To permit freedom of creative expression. And I'd like to think we were all better for it! In rebound to the big censorship movements in TV, music and film in the 80's, all the rating systems started flooding out, Satanic Panic witch-hunting (which is absolutely terrifying and I would highly advise you not dig too deep into that, for fear of seeing terrifying parallels right now...) and all that shit. This movement literally changed the mold, like George Carlin did for comedy.

The internet opened the gates, and we had a really nice period there of just... free expression. But now? Now?

Now everything is censored. And by that, I mean YouTube and Twitch. And that just-so-happened to be around when all the ads started swarming in... and that just-so-happened to be around when they started marketing towards children. It's like a step-by-step recipe to rebuild cable TV.

Now, you subscribe to the whatever the loudest and most violent cultural group decides is within its comfort zone. Regardless of others. Because... if something happens outside of their beliefs, out side of their ethics, outside of their cultural norm? They will take action to have it eliminated and punished.

The example I am bringing to the table today, is an event that happened in Twitch chat tonight. There was a large imaginary channel point wager on whether the roleplay character would get away with robbing a bank. One of the chatters was asking when the payout would be, the moderator responded that it would be at the end of the stream, and the chatter replied... get ready for it... shields up... "gay". Gasp!

Now, before I even get into discussion on this... let me bring a second slang term to the table, an example from the same 20 minute span of time from when this person uttered "the g-slur", as it was referred to. I promise I will connect the dots. During the interim, the streamer was talking to chat about a former member of his in-game gang who was cheated on by the love of his life, but he's deeply heartbroken and deeply infatuated, and is really struggling to reconcile and process it. And... I shit you not... at least 20 people in chat, including the streamer himself, were referring to this guy as "cuck" and laughing at him. And not only did no one jump in super offended, but the entire group kinda dogpiled this character.

So... what the fuck is going on here?! Let's backtrack a moment. So the guy above was using... I guess, some would consider an "outdated" slang term to say... what I would call the equivalent of "that sucks". We all understand that was the connotation, we know the translation of it, we just... don't like comparing homosexuality to "inferior" or "bad". I get it, I really do. I don't really use it as much anymore... only in really rare circumstances, which actually makes it... really humorous to say now, ironically. Like I audibly laugh at myself if I say "wow, that's retarded" or "wow, that's gay". Because it's just... not really said anymore. Like calling someone a "harlot" or a "jezebel" or something. It's growing a new level of humor to it.

If I were in a group of people in a culture where it was very clearly known and understood that phrase is not a slight against a person, or a group of people, it's an expression, I wouldn't have an issue with them saying it. I see it as functioning the same way that exclaiming "Jesus Christ" or "god dammit" are not actually trying to summon holy spirits, or to besmirch their sacred names, but to express emotions through known slang expressions. But, if I were in the presence of someone who I knew for a fact would be hurt by me using their lord's name in vain, who... wasn't able to see past that... I would likely try to refrain from using that phrase, you know? Out of respect.

My first-hand example of this experience was when I was at the retreat to detox off of meds and one of the residents who basically stayed in her room the whole time wanted to get a Husky, of all breeds of dogs. And I was... mad. I was really not happy. For the dog's sake. That dog was going to be 100% neglected, that was just... the fate of it, those dogs need soooo much exercise and stimulation. But I really couldn't... say that out loud without being looked at like I'm jumping to conclusions or something, like I was targeting her or something. What ended up coming out in confidence to a person who worked there who used to be my boss at a restaurant, was saying something about how it sucked that she picked that breed, they're incredibly energetic and can be... the phrasing I used was... "kinda retarded." Implying, of course, that they weren't the most intelligent... which is... kinda... false? And kinda dog-elitist, I guess? I'm not proud of it, honestly, it sounded like something my Mom would say that I was kinda parroting. And... I saw his eyes kinda sink to the floor. And I really didn't even realize I said anything... until it hit me that... he has an autistic son. And it just... yeah. Having my anger filtered into something that had noble causes (trying to protect a future dog from being mistreated by a very mentally unstable 20 year old) ended up in a kinda... worst-case scenario by way of just picking the wrong fucking phrase. But... he was cool about it. I apologized and felt really bad, I still do. But I really had to see it first hand, and saw that he was just kinda like... disappointed. Not even with me, but like... that people still say that word. Because the connotations of the word probably hit him really hard. Like, when he hears "retard" he hears people who will never see how amazing his son's personality is, how bright and creative he is, how loving he is. They will only see "broken" or "less than". And yeah. It rocked my boat a bit. But he definitely didn't think I had any problem with his son, either.

So... I get it. I do. And maybe that can be a trigger for homosexuals too, just hearing the word "gay" in the wild. Which... I mean... it's used pretty often, I would think that's pretty difficult to avoid. It's the second letter in LGBTQ... So... That's part of why I'm a little... not really on the same page on this specific term. Because I think the most important part of all of this is... what is being communicated.

It's obviously a messy issue, and people need to know that... you're going to run into these things in the wild. And it's important to take care of yourself. So I guess this is where I'm going to connect "gay" to "cuck", now that context has been given. I have been cheated on. And I think a lot of people have. And... even if I hadn't? I have no idea why anyone would think it's funny to make fun of the victim of infidelity. I've been trying to make sense of this most of the night, I just can't parse it properly. It's literally kicking someone who's already down. Like... it just feels like straight-up bullying. My best guess is that people feel like unfaithful women are... "untouchable" right now? Because you can't say "whore" and "slut" is sorta... reclaimed? Maybe there isn't a good term for it? I don't know. But... it just absolutely boggles my mind that someone would ridicule the victim of someone else's moral misdoings. It feels... sinister. It feels... evil. I mean that, it's fucking dark, it leaves a nasty feeling in my gut just being around it. It gives me the same kind of feeling as that episode of South Park where Cartman makes a kid eat his own parents. Like that kind of shit, just like... morally fucked up shit. And to see dozens of people... eagerly... laughing... dogpiling the victim of someone else's unethical misdoings... It feels like... beating up a gay kid for being gay. I feels like some piece of shit in highschool throwing rocks at the special needs kids to "see what sounds they make" or something. It makes me queasy.

And no one batted an eye when the whole chat dogpiled this character.

And then I compare that... to the guy casually saying "gay" meaning "lame". Which, worst-case-scenario, might flash someone back to a moment in the past when they were bullied or dogpiled. The way they just actually did to someone else. And this guy like... straight up attacked the poor guy for typing a 3 letter response, for like 5 minutes just laying into him going "we don't say that anymore, okay?"

So... I have no idea if my point is getting across here... The echoes of the past? The triggers of memories. Very important to work on those, and talk about it. I have my own, of course, and working through that, talking openly about it, it helps a lot. You wouldn't think it would, but it does. But what is very concerning for me... is that... people don't seem to be able to see... underneath the words.

For me, words are code. Words are a cipher to communicate a concept. So I can switch words around and communicate the same thing. Language is a code to express a thought. And some words are flexible, some are very precise, some are regional, some mean one thing on one side of the continent and something completely different on the other. And language is always evolving too, in every independent subculture. And language use is somewhat important. But, I strongly argue, not nearly as important as intention. As the message underneath. And, comparing these two uses of derogatory terms? "Gay" was used to express essentially a heavy sigh. "Cuck" was used to laugh and point at and ridicule a man who just found out that the love of his life doesn't love him, who basically just lost everything.

And we live in the timeline where "cuck" is encouraged, and "gay" is abhorrent. And... that sat with me. For a long time. And ate away at me. To the point where I had to leave the stream. Because... I just... I've felt the same thing in Penta's stream a lot which is the reason why I stopped going there... It feels like bullying. It feels cruel. I don't like being around it.

So what did I do? Did I get mad and @ every person who said "cuck" and publicly shame them, and report the stream, and DM the moderators and let them know I don't feel safe and this reprehensible shit needs to stop? Did I contact the server admins to let them know that this character was using offensive language and bullying another character in the game? Fuck no. I fucking changed the channel! XD I fucking went and played Valheim. And reflected on what that experience meant to me. Because my reaction to that was my problem, not theirs. And it's not my job to stop a fucking mob, it's not my job to decide what is acceptable behavior for their chat, it's their job. And the moderators, if they see fit. Maybe some people see that as their job, or responsibility, that whole fuckin... what was it... the final episode of Seinfeld... where they get locked up for... Good Samaritan Law, right? They all go to jail because they didn't report something? And they're all from New York so they obviously didn't... XD Ah, I looked it up and it came back, they saw someone get carjacked and instead of helping they laughed, and got arrested for it. I don't know if that's the best example it just popped into my head. Point being, me publicly contributing my upset is not going to bring good. It's just going to emphasize that I don't belong there at that moment. And I picked up on the hint. And I moved along. And it all ended well.

You don't have to like every joke in a comedian's set. You'll be hard-pressed to find one that you mesh with 100%. Every comedian I have encountered that I have a shared sense of humor with, I find some dissonance. That's part of individuality. It's okay. And just agreeing to disagree, taking a quick walk to the bathroom while they do that joke, rather than standing up and screaming at them in the middle of their set about how insensitive and horrible they are. I mean... It's just the right thing to do. Honestly. It's part of sharing this planet.

So yeah, that obviously left ripples with me. And I'm glad I went back and rehashed that. It... often doesn't feel... safe to even talk about those things without risk of being misinterpreted, branded as a bigot or a hateful person and put on a blacklist of some kind. Which is... literally witch-hunting, and terrifies the living shit out of me. So... I think I should have a project in the near future themed on witch-hunting. I think that would be... a very important piece for me to make.

Yay, I finally found a synapse that leads out of this thought! Yay! Like grabbing that thread that Ariadne left in the fucking minotaur's labyrinth.

So... I brainstormed more about my hoodie. I realized that the outer overlapping squares... there are 12 corners, making 12 points. And I thought that was perfect for adding a Zodiac theme to the outermost ring. Because I wanted something symbolic, something cryptic, but something meaningful, not just random symbols, you know? So... I'm tempted to do my actual astrology chart on the back. Like... all the zodiac signs, all the planets, all aligned how it was when I was born. I think that would be really cool. I did a lot of research on it today. I'd love to like... have someone teach me this stuff, and tarot too. I know tarot pretty well, but like... having someone to discuss and teach me one-on-one would be really cool. <shrug> I just get self-conscious, my family is very anti-spirituality, anti-religion science-textbook-thumpers. (at least, they think they are.)

And... the rest of the day was spent doing... wait for it... 20 fucking runs on the desire path project. And I still haven't eroded a single block. I wish I could go in and change the settings, I just... don't feel like learning how to do that right now. Too much of a side tangent. But not having a trail is making some really interesting effects happen. I have a general sense of where I'm going, what direction I should be headed in, some general landmarks, so I don't "get lost"... the end points I clearly come together at, but the middle has been pretty clearly splitting. Here, check it out:

So you can see a very clear trend forming at the bottom, and the top has kinda formed an "entrance" and an "exit", though the "exit" (to the south) has been getting more travel. The middle is still very split. I'm curious to see how it all comes together. And if a path actually starts to form in-game at any point! Good lord, I've done 40 fucking trips, how is that dirt not packed down yet?! I'm afraid it's on a timer or something, and it just resets by the time I get back to it...

Ugh... maybe I should take the afternoon tomorrow and see if I can learn how to unpack .jar's and figure out how to alter the settings. <grumble>

So yeah. That was my day. And now it's 5:30 and I'm never going to get to the skatepark if I keep going to sleep at fucking 7 AM. UGH.

Good vibes. Hmm... I got chinese food today, that was nice. And I wasn't anxious at all, despite not leaving my building in almost a week. That was good. It's weird to celebrate just going outside, but... positive reinforcement.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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