#i'd automatically become a pick me /j

[beanxiv]

can i confess smt to you bbg?

i dont like

arron warner

i'm sorry what

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Dry

Hey, A.

I didn't bring the grass seed because it's so damn dry it won't grow. Your grave doesn't even look that strange now because everyone else's grass is so burned out. It's still hot, which sucks.

Anyway the Boy took his first shot at the ACT Saturday. I asked him how it went and he said, "Fine." Of course. And then he went on to casually tell me without an ounce of arrogance or pretension that he 'might have gotten a 36 on the reading section.' He reminds me so much of you sometimes I wonder if somehow you're not some sort of cosmic auxillary dad for him. That's almost exactly shit you'd say and how you'd say it. Except of course your 36 would have been math instead and it'd make me want to shoot you with a rubber band or something. Even though you wouldn't be trying to be smug about it.

We went bike riding with my godfather yesterday through the neighborhood my grandparents and aunt and uncle (his parents) lived in, and all the way along the riverside to Cincinnati right in front of the ballpark. I thought how were never going to get to go to another ballgame together. Thought about getting you a rock off the street but I didn't. I didnt want the Boy to think about why I was picking a rock off the street and I didn't want my godfather to ask me about it, but I'm gonna go back sometime and get you a rock from the ballpark. I brought you the one L sent me from Colorado. She's into crystals and whatever so she says it's got something to do with heart chakras being aligned or I dunno. But I just wanted you to have something from Colorado because she's the friend I've visited the most out of town. Should have been you. You should have been the most visited friend. You are now even though I hate coming to a grave to see you. 💔😥 My car automatically drives here now like going to work or the Boy's school or my mom's house. Shit I'd be here every day if it wasn't a 25 minute drive. I miss you.

J is away and I've wanted to text you about 1000 times. I'm afraid for some reason every time I come here that all the rocks will be gone. Or that you'll be gone. Sometimes I even hope you'll be gone. Like you were never really here. But it's this weird bitter comfort that everything is still here when I get here each time. Christ we're coming up on a year pretty quick now and I still can't believe you're here. It still doesn't feel real. It probably never will.

The grave straight behind yours has a bunch of Happy Birthday stuff on it and it makes me wonder (hope?) that when I come here after your birthday next month if yours will finally have something on it that I didn't put there. I can't stand that I'm gonna have a birthday without you. Yours isn't going to be right behind me. Well it is but you won't be here for me to send you the weirdest birthday meme I can find and have you say, 'Where do you even FIND this shit?! 🤣'. Instead I'll be bringing a rock here.

I didn't cry this time. Maybe I'm feeling the drought too. Or maybe it's because now even though you don't answer me with words and I can't hug you or hear your laugh that you've become my most visited friend. Wish it were under different circumstances but this is right, you know? How it should have always been. That I visit you most. You've always been the most constant. The most helpful. The person I could talk to the easiest. The quickest to respond. The one I could always count on to show up and come back. I'll be back. Maybe even before your birthday. Maybe I'll be here for mine. I love you, my dear friend. ❤️❤️❤️

[witch-witcher-witchless]

@firefly-party

Your lovely comment: You are sooo adorable! omg! but listen here, i'm totally the same! Look, you're an amazing author and you're also writing Jaskel! You make them tick exactly the same as i imagine them... and...this is everything to me? i'd die for you! hahaha 💖 So go on and ramble all you want bc i won't stop either 😂 (i also recognized you from that lovely comment you left in my work here on ao3? (i still have that screenshot saved! hehe) so imagine me all 👀👀👀 when i saw your jaskel fic!)

Still AHHHH 😂

I also wanna apologize in advance in case my comment doesn't make much sense. i read your reply around...6am today (after i went to bed at 2am (oof)) and i couldn't stop thinking about your words and my brain went fully brrrrrr-mode so i grabbed my phone and took notes about all the things i want to mention in *this* reply right now. i hope i can...decrypt my sleep deprived notes 😂

It's all good! I'd never even guess a sleep deprived person wrote this!

Coming back to the day to day trust thing and how they both experience it more or less for the first time? Look, Jask is a popular bard. Ppl like him for his fame and for his looks but they never *know* the real Jaskier. So the first time Jask experiences full friendship and trust bc Eskel's not the type to just jump at him bc he's good looking or for any kind of fame. They become friends over the time travelling together, with Jask stitching wounds, gaining some money with music and entertainment while eskel's the one to hunt for food and who keeps them safe. Both simply caring for each other's well being.

Ohhhh, that's spot on, I think! I def think Eskel is the type to try shake (metaphorically?) Jaskier off of travelling with him when he first gets a bard-barnacle. A bardnacle if you will, but ends up just automatically gathering more wood for a bigger fire, hunting more food, picking Jaskier's favourite cooking herbs along with his potion ingredients, and he suddenly realizes that yes, Jaskier is his friend -and Jaskier has never had anyone actually work for friendship before, never had that kind of thoughtfulness reciprocated. Ever.

Eskel's might be overwhelmed with Jask's trust at first? He has to learn being accepted by a human being. A human who cares for a scarred witcher.

And Jaskier, never really experiencing that kind of "deep" friendship before gets all handsy bc he's nervous and constantly has to check that Eskel's really real? And as you said, those casual touches are overwhelming Eskel bc.... who'd do that willingly?

Omg yes! At first Eskel just feels constantly alert, like he can't relax because why is this human even looking at him -is it the scars? Is it his eyes? Is it when the ridiculous bard managed to pull a full laugh out of him and inadvertently flashed his sharper canines? WHAT IS HIS PURPOSE AND WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ESKEL ;-; there is no bestiary entry for bards and most of his experiences with humans has been transactional at best

Another thought i had is... the moment Jask realizes he has Eskel's full trust is when he's washing his hair? when eskel leans back into his touch, fully exposing his neck, simply knowing that Jask would never hurt him.

Or maybe when he stops trying to hide is scars under a cloak hood, when he stops hiding his smiles and making sure that Jaskier is always along his 'good' side? And the bath thing just reinforces it, really drives it home for Jaskier and made him have a true aha moment

Once they're a couple the could slowly discover each other's likes and dislikes, kinks ect. maybe also discover sth they never thought they'd be into before. and regarding your fic here... what if Eskel was never aware that he'd like being a (gentle) dom from time to time? I imagine that first time they tried this like this:

J: you ok? E: "yes..?" "did you like what we just played?" " I...dunno?" "do you want to try it again sometime?" "yes"...

sth like that?? XDDDD sry im so bad with writing LOL

And what if Jask discovers that he likes to sub? he's a bard, he's entertaining masses, dominating them with his music and stories... and this could be a nice change for him?

But they both have that special trust in each other to simply explore without ever feeling awkward or ashamed when there's sth they don't like. Or would totally safeword if there's anything that's an absolute no-go, or when sth doesn't work out.

they *know* that their partner wouldn't make fun of them. they just want to do the things that makes the other one happy.

Eskel's also learning that he can "take things"/ want things for himself. He learns to be greedy which he never dared before bc it's selfish, and in some way showing vulnerablilities? But he trusts Jask enough to know that he loves doing those things with/for Eskel. No matter if it's their daily life or in bed. Ohhh and also... i think they both need to learn how to accpet real praise? I imagine Eskel being the kind to politely refuse praise or to turn away and snorting when he hears nice words. it's completely new to him to be called "beautiful"... As for Jask, he hears praise all the time but it's from ppl he doesn't really care about (that sounds harsh but eh). so they learn that this praise is not a lie or a shallow side-comment.

Yessss, all of this!!!! You know the meme with Geralt in the bath and Jaskier just complimenting him until he's looking like he'll fling himself out of the water and hide "I think I need my safeword"

anyway...wow this is a lot, and look.... you gave me so many plot bunnies to handle too xD (im not even done with my notes but lkfjldgj) i cant stop thinking about them since the moment i got up xD fuck! xDDD

i have no idea if this is simply... yeah... well this absolutely IS rambling about them. sry if i missed any point in your reply you needed an answer to. D: I just want them to be happy and to grow together in any possible way reagarding their friendship, trust and as lovers.

I'm sure they'd have plenty of ruined sex/orgasms bc they were "testing" sth new and it didn't work out but instead of being ashamed they can just laugh it off and go back to the things they like.

Jaskier's always been expected to be super smooth and suave and romantic, and Eskel's the first person he can laugh with and not take everything so seriously?? And big scary Witcher man can actually take his time and figure out sex where his partner isn't practically pushing him out of bed and out the door?? He gets kisses???

ok fuck, i have to stop here or it's getting out of hand (already has) XD im sorry for clogging your comment section 🙈😂 whoops.

Hmu on tumblr or twt or if you have discord??? lemme know?? 🥺

I really need to distract myself now. No Jask, no Eskel. *bonk* uhg.

Dude you're in good company, I could use a bonk too 😂😂😂

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTE: This is where things are gonna start to shift a bit.

Another week or so passed. To be honest, you really missed nothing, other than Stephen giving me a plastic baggie with some of my stone-flakes in it because he wasn't sure what else to do with them. He also gave me one of the bottles of Soft to keep in my place, just in case it happened again. That did seem like a precaution I should have already thought of myself.

And a lot of Knives. A loooot of her hanging around, and finally weaseling my number out of me so she could text and ask if she could come over. I ignored a lot of her texts, but she still always managed to get me to agree to a time she could come bouncing through my door with one of her attack-hugs at the ready. We mostly just watched movies or played video games. Met up with Stephen and Joseph some other night at a sushi place. And the whole time, I didn't know what to do with myself.

Before you ask, there were a couple of close calls. Because we can all tell where this is going already, so I'm just putting it out there.

Three nights after we were watching the samurai movie, she came in for a hug. Slower than usual, and I mean like, at a snail's pace. Turned out, she just thought it would be funny if we bumped noses, but I was just slightly-drunk enough to think she was going in for something else. I blame the tequila shots, and therefore, on Steph who had ordered them. Dumb lush. But I managed to play it off that she was just too close to my face, and that was why I flinched.

Then there was the next day, when we split a Canadian from Pizza Pizza for dinner. We both went in for a slice at the same time and our hands touched; that old thing. I accused her of being a greedy bitch, but she was just biting her bottom lip and giggling before she flicked a mushroom at me. It made me either want to slap her, or… I don't know. For the life of me, I don't know what the fuck was going on in my head, but she let me brush it off and grab a different slice.

But as they say, all good things must come to an end. Which isn't exactly what happens here, but like, go with it, okay?

                                                            ~ o ~

"I don't understand," she was sighing as she swung upside-down from the monkey bars in Hillcrest Park, jeans-clad knees taking the brunt of her slight weight effortlessly. "My mom acts like she's so worldly, but then she doesn't want me to have a totally normal barista job because it'll distract me from meeting 'a nice man' or becoming a doctor, or whatever."

I sighed as I picked at some peeling paint on one of the bars. I was sitting on a 'step' for the kids to climb up to the slide, though my omnipresent black cloud of misanthropy had kept any actual children far away from us. "She's being a mom. That's what they do: pass judgment on their children's decisions. Mine are in the professional league."

"That sucks." Her eyes went up — and in this case that means they were pointed at the sky, not above her head, which would have been sand. "Don't my tits look great like this?"

"Sure," I snorted. "I m-mean, what makes you think I noticed?"

"Nothing, Kim," she giggled. "Just a thought I had. Oh, did you know TCAD is getting back together?"

I pursed my lips for a moment before answering, "Are they really?"

"Kind of. I mean, it's not the original lineup, though. That'd be huge news, since that jerk Todd was turned into coins!" She flipped up through the bars and began walking on top of them, arms out to the sides to help maintain her balance. "Think the new bassist is that girl from Smashing Turnips. They broke up, remember? Plus they're holding auditions for new drummers but I heard she doesn't want guys applying. Sounded like she was pretty sure of that."

"So now they're an all-girl band? Quaint."

"Envy said in a press release that she was thinking about staying solo, but I guess she had a change of heart. But she did start going by 'Natalie' again, 'cause the solo career didn't work out for her. She said 'I'm just not cut out to be a pop star, it's too high-maintenance'." Then she gasped and turned to look at me. "DUDE! You should so totally try out!"

My eyes widened. "What?! Knives, you-"

"Think about it! You're a drummer, and a girl, and they're super-"

"KNIVES!"

But I wasn't upset about her needling me into life decisions. She wasn't paying attention to what she was doing anymore, and had started to slowly fall off the monkey bars. A little yelp of surprise sounded as her running shoes slipped down and back off the metal, arms windmilling. The world slowed to a crawl. Heart in my throat, I dove, and just barely managed to catch her before falling into the sand around the playscape.

"Shit… are you okay?!" I demanded, my voice an octave too high.

But she wasn't listening. Her eyes were round, and she had her hands locked around the back of my neck. She looked stunned speechless, which was a new look for her. My hands flexed awkwardly in her armpit and under her knee as I held her slight weight, which was still a little heavy but I'm a drummer, so I have a decent amount of upper body strength. I could handle it.

"You saved me," she breathed.

"What? Well… y-yeah, I couldn't let you… fall."

"Um… I probably would have been fine. It's only like five feet, and there's sand everywhere." Her face was closer again. Probably going in for another hug, like last time. "But you caught me, Kim."

For some reason, I couldn't put her down yet. Swallowing down my panic, I whispered, "What if you broke your neck? I'd… I could never live with letting that happen to you."

"Why not?"

She was prying into my feelings and motivations too much. Gruffly, I snapped, "Who else would annoy the hell out of me every day? What a stupid ass question."

Even though that was intended to get her to laugh and call me a dork, or say I was funny, or just to tell me I could put her down, it didn't seem to work the way I hoped.

Because Knives kissed me. And I mean kissed me… and I kissed back. Really, we might have done it at the same time, like when you and a friend automatically go in for the fist bump when something really awesome happens because you're both on the same page. Something about the moment just needed it, even if I didn't fully understand why. Her lips were soft and sweet, and familiar; I knew we'd kissed when drunk, even though I couldn't remember most of it. And the gentle weight in my arms made it perfect.

Of course, once we broke apart a few seconds — minutes, hours, centuries — later, I went into pure panic mode. Or tried to. But the lip-on-lip contact had robbed me of actual power and ability to move. Not like the time I turned to stone, though; this wasn't that serious.

"O-oh," was all she said at first. Though the look in her eyes and the way her breathing was so rapid and shallow told me that the "oh" meant a lot more than that, so just this once, I didn't snap at her to explain.

"Holy balls," I managed to breathe.

"Where did that come from? I mean… it was…"

When her face started glowing, a small, private, sacred smile of pure joy blossoming, I had to drop her to the sand and stand back up, turning around to grip the monkey bars overhead to keep myself from falling over. Why was I so dizzy? Why was I overreacting? I mean, a little part of me had been able to tell that we were trending in this direction. Like magnets, or gentrification of old neighbourhoods; sometimes you just can't stop it. Yet I had kind of thought it might never happen. Or at the very least, it would take longer than a few weeks.

"Kim?" One of her hands came to rest in the small of my back.

"Whoa, whoa," I squeaked, spinning around so fast I almost fell myself. "J-just because we- I mean, you shouldn't- don't do that!"

"Sorry," she breathed as she lowered the hand, rubbing her fingers together as if trying to rid them of the memory. I know I could definitely still feel them on my back.

"No, don't…" Sighing, I pressed both my hands into my face. "AGH!" There was a high-pitched whistling sound. "What the hell is even happening anymore?!"

After a few seconds of silence, Knives cleared her throat. "You, um… does steam come out of your ears normally?"

"No! And it didn't just now, either!"

"But I saw-"

"Nevermind that! Just…" Running hands through my hair, and feeling that it did feel a little warmer and more moist than it should have been, I looked over at her. "Can we just rewind about five minutes and forget that ever happened? I… whatever that was, I'm not ready. I'm not ready for it, Knives."

A little shrug of her shoulders as she stared down at her running shoes. "I haven't unlocked that power-up yet, Kim. Sorry."

"Stop apologising, too! Like… we didn't do anything wrong, it's just way past what I can handle right now. Okay? Please, just… I can't even believe we're having this conversation. And on a playground!"

Ugh. Do you have any idea how terrible I felt? Panicking and making her feel like it was all her fault. It was so hard for me to explain my own feelings that I wound up trampling all over hers. But I didn't know how else to react.

"Kim… it's okay," she said finally, cautiously putting her hands on my shoulders. I twitched, took a step backward, but she followed and kept them there. "It's okay. I don't really understand this, either; I mean, I didn't think I was a lesbian. But then again, I didn't at Julie's aunt's, either, and that still-"

"Let's not talk about that, either," I grunted, ashamed of myself. "Especially since you were still in high school."

"Barely," she made sure to remind me. "But… seriously, you made me feel loved that night, and you made me feel loved just now." My eyes must have bulged in panic, because she reassured me, "Like a friend! A good friend who, uh, doesn't mind… that sometimes? If that's cool…"

"Just how far did we go?" I had to ask.

"Made out for a little while. Some… other stuff, but nobody took off their swimsuit," she assured me nervously, and I sighed in some slight relief. "And it was great! But if you want to not do that again, I'm fine with that. Seriously!"

Temptation reared its ugly head. "Well…" Then I shook myself, gripping at my hair around her hands still on my shoulders. "GAH! Like, I'm kinda curious, but also have never… I mean, I've dated guys all my life, this is a pretty big curveball of a life choice, if it is one. And I didn't think you were anything more than just a friend before today, so isn't it crazy to change statuses all of a sudden like this?"

"Why does it have to be some big 'choice'?" she chuckled softly. It made me mad that she wasn't being serious. No… that isn't true. It made me jealous that she wasn't having as much trouble with it as I was. Yeah, that's way more accurate. "I mean, either you want to kiss me or you don't. Whatever, right?"

"Right. Just so easy. Is that why you've been hanging around me so much? Hoping to wear me down?"

"What? No, I wouldn't- that's not it at all!"

"Are you sure?" She squirmed, but didn't back down. "All that time hanging around, you just were hoping that it would happen again. Great. I thought I really had a friend, and you're just another Scott waiting to happen."

But that was a low blow and we both flinched, her hands falling away from me. Before I could apologise, Knives got to it first. "Kim, I'd never do that. It's hard to blame Scott for what he did, because I hearted him so much, but that's just… not the kind of thing I could ever do to a friend! S-so please, don't say that I would…"

"Knives… shit." Pinching the bridge of my nose, I said, "Okay. You're right, I'm… not being fair."

"You're freaking out is what you are."

"Definitely. Can we… I don't know. I want to run away and hide, but I also don't want you to leave."

"Wanna go to Delicious Cup?" she suggested, again touching my arm. This time, I didn't react, either positively or negatively. "We, um, can just talk there. PDA in the café would be a little gross so it'll make kissing less of a… does 'issue' make sense? Is that the best word?"

Nodding, I swallowed hard. "Yeah. It's a great word. Maybe even word of the day, because I clearly have issues."

"Kim, nooo," she half-whined, grasping my wrist and pulling me along. We only made the briefest of stops to snag our bags from the deserted swingset before heading off past the wading pool. "I mean… I kinda freaked out the next morning after the first time, too, so I totally get it! I just… already worked through all that, maybe? Not with a legit therapist, just did a lot of thinking, and talking to Tamara."

"You talked to Tamara about this?!"

"Not a lot! Just, like, sorting through my feelings! And she wouldn't tell anybody, she's my BFF!"

My body felt like it wanted to turn into stone again, but I forced myself to breathe, to stop acting like every weird moment of my life was the end of the world. "Okay… you're right. Back in those days, I probably would have tried to talk to Stephen about this if I could remember more about that night. But I just wrote it off as being drunk. I mean, I never tried to make out with Ramona, or Julie, or…"

"Actually, I kinda heard that you and Ramona had a slight moment," Knives laughed. When I turned round eyes on her, she protested, "From Lisa! Like, remember when we all got together before she moved away?"

"What moment did we have?" I demanded.

"Something about you and she and Scott being all in the same bed, and you telling them both that you loved them." When she looked back after a few seconds of silence and caught me blushing, she giggled. "You were talking, not doing anything else. At least, I'm pretty sure I'd have heard about anything else."

"Oh, good. I mean, if I had a threesome with Scott and that hair-changing hipster, I'd blow my stack."

The bridge of her nose crinkled from the force of her smile as we made our way toward the bus stop. "Already did that once today. Seriously, can you teach me that trick with the steam?"

"GOD, SHUT YOUR HOLE!"

                                                             To Be Continued…