#i'd also kinda like to post periodic updates on it if that's something people on here would be interested in seeing...

[srah-the-violist]

Hey! Thanks for tagging me in the ask game yesterday. I’ve gotta get around to that haha. For yours, I’d love to hear more about the music WIPs you mentioned! Dealer’s choice, whichever one you’d rather share about haha. Love your music! You’re a fantastic violist!!

Hi, thanks so much for the ask! And you're welcome! :D

First of all, I'm so sorry that it took me pretty much a whole week to get around to this! School's been keeping me pretty busy lately, and it sometimes takes a lot of brain cells to think of words

Second, thank you so much for listening to my music! I'm so glad you love it, and your comment made my day! 💜💜💜

As far as my music WIPS go, the one I'm most excited about is the studio version of the Zelda suite! I've mentioned a little bit about it already, but I'm getting the ensemble that played with me on my recital last month to join me again this summer/fall and create a studio recording of the Zelda suite. I'm currently working on getting click tracks set up for it so that I'll be ready to record everyone when the time comes. I can't wait to share it once it's ready!

[katzirra]

Aggressively rubs my face, complaining about anything in life feels so tedious compared to what's going on in the world. World events and disasters and genocides and just fucking everything make you feel so small and worthless. Like god damn I feel guilty for thinking how stressed I am because HAHAH COULD BE WORSE, BITCH. WHICH is kind of a weird thing the internet really uh, perpetuates. Which is kinda what people get at when they say take care of your mental health.

Like I'm staying as up to date as I can but it's... wow it's hard to stomach, and it's hard to know what to do when you're in a financial spot lmao... Fucking god damn. Like carrying on like normal is really hard because there's that thought in the back of my mind right now about how upsetting it is realizing so many people can't do that. Will never do that again. It's like tv static in my head lately low key saddening me more and more.

But yaknow that just sounds like I'm complaining about a world event, but it's not. It's just...a profound sadness. Saturating things. I find myself just kinda sitting lately unsure what to be doing that feels... productive in this time. Not really feeling, uh, creative or happy. I dunno. Low simmering fear as well tbh.

That wasn't the topic I was planning to post about uh... FRIVOLOUS UPDATES I GUESS... I USE TO DO THOSE, YEAH? IDK WHO CARES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE THESE DAYS TBH LOL

Taking a break from Xig because I'm just ..out of it and need the expectations off me for a second.

Having anxiety even checking my art blog because people weirdly correcting me/giving me a compliment that's shorter than a correction and making me come off rude telling them I'm not wrong makes me anxious as hell :))) so I end up avoiding my own haunts!!! How fucky is that.

I am almost done with my small sketchbook?? I was fixing a few pages up before hitting a few dried out Copics, which lead to me checking all of them to see who I needed to fix/replace and uh... relocate them in my office. Which became redoing my pen pouches and seeing if those got fucked up. Hopefully I'll finish that and start scanning. 2018-2023... with huge gaps in there lol...

I miss doing art I liked. Its kinda stagnant atm so I might take the rest of the year to do studies on angles and shit tbh. I need something. It all feels same same.

Uhhh figuring out some dental stuff - bought myself a bougie electric toothbrush and I think my old one's timer was fucked up and making me brush too long?? Which is bad!!! So this new one already has my teeth feeling better 👏 mom's genetics have me terrified!! My teeth feel better after two brushes??? insane.

Getting bloodwork done Thursday so hopefully figuring some shit out about my weight and health :))) I'd like to lose the like 20-45lb I mysteriously seemed to gain over the past few years??? Uhhh??? And figure my periods out, money has just been BAD since Hannibal's surgery....

Having panic scares about if my job is going away in December or not and hating every job listing I see online so I gotta look for whatever listing sites exist outside indeed. Also something this decent with the same pay :)))))) so that's on my todo list... again.

Box spring is busted on my bed, so hopefully I don't have to replace the mattress just yet because of the previous point AND THE FACT I JUST STARTED GETTING TO SAVE FOR MY PC..... first world problems but fuck, dudes. Vakarian is fucking suffering sometimes... :(( but we'll see because MATTRESS PRICES.......!!!

I cleaned my office and room and that made me feel like I've accomplished something for myself so that's... something.

Trying to focus on things. Depression cocktail is going on..... money, job, housing, health, the world... it's all so much all the time, man.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

I noticed earlier you posted and stuff. I was mid-writing, but I just wanted to make sure you were ok. (Now finished and my brain literally wants to go jump into cold water and lowkey drown-) Honestly, I can understand the point of how you can feel like based on a fic. Honestly, who hasn't felt it as a writer? And the fact that shit we like/are passionate abt becomes a flop. It's confusing, 'cause writing should be full of you being passionate, but instead, it's basically getting slapped in the face like:

"Bitch, what is this?" "Me liking smth a lot? Me enjoying writing this?" "Ew." 38 likes.

Literally, it feels like that at points. Sometimes it feels like you shouldn't even feel passionate to write if you're gonna literally get 20 - 50 likes you wrote about 4k words on. Or that nobody even tries to socialize with you. I thought I'd at least get one ask already abt SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I'm still waiting, even with 100 followers now. I know, that's like high expectations, but now I don't honestly care abt it.

Sometimes I hate the fact I have to sexualize Leon in certain ways to be liked. I literally hate Respect Your Elders sm, you don't even understand. Yes, it feels like him, but at the same time, I look at it and feel disgusted. I know, basically started writing two-ish weeks ago, but I'm already getting into the mindset of looking at my past writing and going "icky". I honestly feel pressured to write like others and it sucks. It's a never-ending cycle for certain feelings, and it's so bfcuiewsdjkcnx!? LIKE, WHY CAN'T I ENJOY IT!?

But, in the end, sooner than later... You will be able to grow a small following. Looking at people like thevirgincherry, nexysworld, or explorevenus honestly inspires me. I know it might not inspire you, but honestly, write whatever you want. It's hard to break the mindset of likes/reblogs/interacting = worth. I still have yet to break that cycle, but slowly it's getting broken.

And no, it isn't exactly your period talking for you. Ok, maybe but mostly no. You're being honest about how you feel, and that's honestly valued by a lot of people. It may not seem like it at this point in time, but it feels human. It's a small thing people value a LOT. I know this may not exactly help you or exactly do whatever you wanted it to do. I'm just happy I can relate to someone about this.

About the commission part too, btw, I understand that. Honestly, I don't want to do commissions, but I can understand why a lot of people do it. To know someone actually LIKES your writing, like they get up, EXCITED, happy, WHATEVER! Literally fills every single writer with joy. Sure, you may not be getting vocal support, but I know without a doubt someone would smile, or their day gets brightened because you posted.

I just wanted to send smth in case you still felt bad! Idrc if you delete/post/answer/privately answer sooooo. But I hope you feel slightly better reading this!

(Tumblr pls send this mf I sat here for abt 10 min.)

thank you for sending this! (it kinda was my period tho lol i just started crying ab nothing) i'm totally fine, i am just sometimes cringe and not in the cute and quirky way. i need to learn to be normal about posting my writing. usually, i don't like the things that i write, but w/ daddy all along it's such a personal thing and i also enjoyed writing and like the finished product, so i care too much about what everyone thinks of it. and i don't care about fame or money, but i do want friends :( i want people to talk to about stuff, y'know? and one day (once i get better at writing lol) i want to be someone's favorite writer, i want someone to cry while they're reading my stuff, i want someone to beg me for updates. i've read certain fics that have made me audibly sob and i wish i could write that well. there's a fic that i've been reading that i love so much and i check my email all the time hoping it'll be updated. i have my fave fics downloaded to my computer so i can highlight the parts i like. one fanfic inspired me to write fanfiction and actually post it. like i'm in awe of some people. so, i put dual emphasis on everything. obv most of my works are smut so i don't expect them to emotionally affect people but i was crying while i wrote the ending of daddy all along so i want it to be emotionally evocative ig but yeah, i seek both to be liked as a person and for my writing to be liked and i just need to chill sometimes.

<3

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Hi BPP! You seem kind if level headed about most things so thought you might have some advice. Since getting into bts I've mainly used twitter to keep up with things, but have long found it too stressful with the fanwars, the negativity to bts, some army loving dicourse too much and demands from some about streaming/voting (which I do anyway, but the guilt trip posts start to stress me out) etc plus reactions to anything seem amplified there. I've tried several times to curate my timeline, only follow official accounts and trusted update ones, but still a lot of nonsense ends up reaching me. I've even tried deleting the damn app, but always end up back because I've not found anywhere better for updates yet. Maybe its because I already suffer with anxiety that a lot of these things effect me more then they should, but with all the enlistment stuff I really think I need to find better places to spend my time. I used to use tumblr years ago (before I was into bts) and since blowing the cobwebs off my account and going through my old posts I remembered how much calmer being a fan on here felt, so I'm thinking this might be a good platform to try and spend my time on instead. My only concern is that I'll miss actual news and translations as twitter just seems a better platform for that real time. How do you manage your fandom experience? And are there any good blogs here you'd recommend? I just don't think I can handle each of their enlistment periods putting up with both kmedia nonsense and armys instant reaction to it like you said on one of your previous asks. I know it won't do me personally any good and if I'm just stressed all the time I'll start associating feeling stressed with the boys, which I dont want. Honestly finding your account where you actually discuss things in a calm manner has felt a blessing when I've been both over stressed by twitter and feeling a bit lost on tumblr so thank you.

***

Hi Anon,

I hear you on all this, but I think the way I 'manage my fandom experience' might not work for you because going by everything you wrote, I suspect we have very different personalities. Plus the way I stay updated is mostly from actually talking to people, friends in Korea and outside Korea, rather than checking in with update accounts and things like that. Like most of the time I'm online for k-pop, I'm online with friends on Daum... not Twitter or Tumblr. This is what I sort of organically developed over the years and during significantly crazier times in k-pop.

Occasionally I get asks wanting advice on navigating k-pop or fandom in general, and it kinda stumps me because fandom is just a microcosm of wider society so just do what works for you out there, in here. It's a process of trial and error, but eventually you'll create an environment you like staying in.

You're also doing all the right things already. You seem self-aware of your limits and how staying longer in an environment you find toxic could impact other things such as how you view the tannies + the fandom. You mentioned checking out different online platforms and I agree with you that Tumblr better allows you to isolate for what you actually want to see, way better than Twitter does. Tumblr, rather than Twitter, is the best platform to create an echo chamber which is essentially what you're asking Anon. I don't follow many accounts here and most of the accounts I do follow are pics accounts for the rapline and jikook, but one account I'd recommend that updates with current events for all BTS members very promptly, is @jung-koook.

On Twitter, I have notifications set on the official BTS accounts and usually add new events to my calendar right away (but this is also something I do generally for other events to stay organized). The people I follow on twitter outside of official accounts are friends who I've known for an average of 3 years (from all sorts of fandoms), as well as some producers and music magazine editors. I look out for people who seem genuinely interested in the music over anything else. I have a fairly big account on Twitter but I'm also a vintage twitter user (think circa 2007) and so I'm very comfortable navigating the madness happening on there daily. And this brings me to one big point: if you plan to spend any time in fandom, any fandom, you might have to work on your tolerance.

Basically, you can try to curate your online environment as much as you like, but so long as you're dealing with people or are anywhere you expect to interact with strangers, then you need a higher tolerance baseline. I answered another ask recently where I said fandom probably skews higher than the normal distribution of freaks in a population, so no matter the platform you're on, you're just going to have to expect to see weirdos. Like you might be surprised to learn that even with my apparent 'reasonable' approach with this blog open for less than a year on a 'calm' site like Tumblr, I've had my fair share of weirdos and manufactured drama. It's unfortunate, but also just par for the course.

The basics: block people you don't want to interact with, mute words you don't want to see or that add to your anxiety. You don't need to explain yourself, but also understand you'll still see things you don't like. With my personality it's easy for me unlook weird shit and focus on what makes sense to me, but for others I can understand if they need hard limits on that sort of nonsense.

*

TL;DR

Tumblr is better for creating echo chambers than Twitter. Tumblr is better for controlling what you want to see than Twitter is.

One account I'd recommend following here is @jung-koook who posts frequently and promptly for all the members.

On Twitter I have notifications set on the official BTS accounts. I mostly only interact with a handful of friends on Twitter though I have a fairly big account on there.

There's no shortcut to creating a space that works for you. It's trial and error but you seem to already be doing all the right things.

Develop a higher tolerance for weird. Fandom brings in all sorts of people, pay attention to things you like, block things you don't, and eventually you'll find your people. That's not a platitude, it actually generally works.

Goodluck Anon. 💜

[divergeddestiny]

Frequently Asked Questions

(Okay, so maybe they aren't "frequently asked" due to nobody even knowing this exists, but I digress.)

What is Diverged Destiny? An Undertale AU created by @superduggy117.

What kind of AU is this? While there are some roleswap elements, it is not the focus of the AU. There are some new characters and locations to visit with a decently new story. Honestly, I'm hesitant to give it a concrete label. If I HAD to describe it, I'd maybe call it an "AU with roleswap elements". Simply put, It's a story set in Undertale's world. You'll recognize a lot of aspects, but others may surprise you...

So roleswaps aren't the "focus". Can I get a roles list? Honestly, I'm... hesitant to provide one. I don't want so much emphasis on the roleswaps, and I'd also much prefer them to be revealed through the story itself rather than kinda just... being put out there. You'll just have to stay on your toes. Besides, won't it be more fun if you don't know what to expect?

How is Diverged Destiny's world different from Undertale's? For starters, certain key events and characters' lives played out a little differently. The timeline has been shuffled around at points, so some things that wouldn’t be possible otherwise can still happen (like certain characters existing at the same time, and them existing earlier than they otherwise would). As I've said, there are also some brand-new characters to meet and locations to visit. As for the genuine specifics, well, I don't want to give away any spoilers. You'll have to keep up with the story to find out! Just... keep an open mind. If something doesn't seem like it makes sense, it is very likely that your questions will likely be answered eventually.

What time period does the main story take place? Unlike in the original Undertale, the timeline here is much tighter and significantly less time has passed. This story takes place in 202X, which is essentially the present day, meaning I had to take some creative liberties and shuffle some things around, considering that most of the main cast shouldn’t technically exist by that point.

What format will the story be in? A write-up split into segments. It follows a single path and has one ending. While I will post updates on here, the main home for everything related to Diverged Destiny will be on the master google doc. There likely won't be custom sprites or anything like that, as I have neither the tools or the knowledge on how to make them. I'd love to create a spritecomic, but realistically, I highly doubt that's ever going to happen.

Is there an OST? Nope. I do know what tracks WOULD play, though. The write-up describes what the tracks would sound like to the best of my ability.

Perhaps one day there will be an actual OST, but not today.

How often will updates be released? I dunno. I just kinda work on this whenever I have time to, really. There's no set schedule or anything. I wouldn't expect them very often, to be honest :P

Do you have the full story planned out? Most of it! I'm excited to show anyone at all you guys what I've got in store...

So there's one route, huh? The write-up follows one main story. In-universe, it simply doesn't make sense for there to even be a Genocide Route. Regardless, I do have some Genocide ideas thrown together that I'll reveal later down the line for fun.

What about the main character? Haha this is less of a frequently-asked question and more of an infodump The concept of NarraCharra is used in Diverged Destiny.

However, the two protagonists of DD are actually original characters!

Amy can be rather reckless at times and is often frustrated at others for not taking her seriously. Not much is currently known about Caleb other than the fact that he's currently along for the ride.

Amy is 14 and Caleb is 15.

Can I make fan-content about this AU? Sure! Stuff like drawings, sprites, music, etc. is completely fine. Just make sure to link back here somewhere so people can find out what it's all about. I mean I doubt anyone would make any but like it'd be cool

Why should I care at all? Good question! Honestly, I just really want to share the stuff I've come up with. If only three people are genuinely interested in what I have to say, then so be it. I just figured I'd throw my stuff up here and maybe people would stumble across it, y'know?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------- That about wraps it up, I think. Obviously, there's not much to see as of now, but I just wanted to get this up and running while I worked on the AU itself. I'll probably have the Ruins arc up here at some point soonish...?

Thanks for reading through all of that, I guess. I don't have anything else to show you for now...

[rengokugutspill]

Now I just been getting pissed off presumably due to mental illness. To have my period become so vastly irregular is hard to deal with because I will be like oh, I am getting symptoms, then I will probably be getting my period later this week or early next week & my body is like hahaha you fucking thought you dumb bitch you will not be getting your period for THREE WEEKS but you will have all the symptoms regardless !!

So I been agitated & distraught with dumbass medical issue in losing ability to utilize my hands normally again & migraine on & off.

It made me very pissed off my mom come at me telling me to tell my step dad happy birthday. I know it's slightly unreasonable to be so mad about something so redundant & small, but for me it really come down to I am almost thirty, why the fuck do you feel so comfortable telling me what to do & how to live my life to be appeasing to someone when all the while neither of them gave a remote shit about me when I was a kid, zero consideration for whether or not I was comfortable or happy or any of my emotions, these people couldn't even care to consistently provide me with food when I was a child but god forbid I don't wish someone a happy birthday ??

Like for sure I get this is nothing but I can't help but feel more dissed like you ignored me for a whole month & then like two days after I get the flare up with my hands & migraines again you're going to come to me without even a nicety like feigned hey how are you doing but just straight up show up & be like you have to do this.

Why ? Like, you don't fucking care. Who is this even for ?

But I make a post on Facebook because I was feeling really agitated to be like wow, I sure wish there was a medication that would make me feel better & I'm like oh yeah, there is, I'm just not allowed to have it. It was one part airing grievance, another part to status update, kinda be like everyone here stop asking & expecting shit of me because I am generally feeling very overwhelmed, but also maybe in part to see if anyone has substantial advice.

& I was so fucking irked because again, this could just be nitpicking due to my pre existing agitation but everyone who interacted with the post care reacted but for my dad's sister who heart reacted & then immediately after messages me to tell me my dad has throat cancer & I felt like what the actual fuck is that ? Like, you love that I want to kill myself & am being denied my medication & now, immediately after reading that you want to tell me my dad is allegedly dying or something ? But actually fuck you, seriously ??

It's such a disarming interaction because I really can't tell if the message was seen as a nice warning to be like idk maybe you're dad is dying or something & there was no connective thought from post to message, because my whole thing is like holy shit at least wait a day before coming at me like this ?? But you immediately do it after being made aware I'm excessively depressed or distraught.

& like I say, I am in such a nasty mood. I would not say I am begging for something to get mad &/ or fight about, but I am sensitive & already wholly irritated.

I feel like I get so mad when any family member message me because again, there is still no consideration for me really, but only seemingly what they can tell me to do for someone else. Because with my aunt, I'd imagined she wanted me to comfort my dad. & I feel like I don't understand how I am almost thirty & everyone is so fucking comfortable to make these weird demands of me like I'm some kind of puppet ? To try to orchestrate my behavior when they aren't even a part of my life ? I don't get it. I don't get if I should just ignore it & placate them regardless of how I feel or being disingenuous & just make everyone think I'm just some kinda loverboy ? But I suppose if I really did that then people would only feel more comfortable. Perhaps being met by absolute silence is truly my reality ?

& isn't there a romanticism in wanting a reaction from someone but being met only by a stark silence ?

What mastery in being so wholly unattainable ! Like I don't even exist, but a shadow of an idea of a person that seemed to exist only in someone's mind, but never really tangible in reality. What a being; what a shadow of nothing !

It was a guilty feeling but ultimately I did nothing. I looked at throat cancer synopsis & saw it's curable. Saw how my dad is still bullshitting around with his new family. & though I feel agitated because both my parents' lack of care & consideration made me the worthless human being I am today, I feel as though if a parent is truly an absolute piece of shit then they don't deserve a child at all, not one. If they are so selfish that they couldn't possibly care for another life outside their own, then why hold the reins to one ? & my mom didn't but my dad has this new family & from my perspective it feels like oh, I couldn't have a viable dad but this random kid can ? Then what's so wrong with me that my parents couldn't care about me or love me in any way but my dad can love this kid ? It feels like a curse. It's a painful reminder.

But for my dad at the same time I felt pity for him knowing he does love me & did really want to be a dad, something is just wrong with him where he can't. & I do believe that, but maybe in a way I have to to foster a care for a biological parent or a reparations for my own self ? Because I know my dad was able to change in some ways, to stop drinking & doing drugs but he still hates women, still refuses to work a day in his life or learn how to read or write. What kind of parent is that ?

To reiterate for you; one day, before I moved to the house I live in now, I was walking a couple miles down the road to a video game store. I happened to have boobs that day, like I typically tended to do every day since they're a biological part of me. I was wearing a mock neck sleeveless crop top, so although stomach & arms were out, breast & chest were fully covered, yet some man deadass stalked me in his vehicle the entire walk home hollering shit at me.

& it's the whole thing where this is very scary no matter how you slice it because is it a man who is going to kidnap me or is it someone who is only trying to make me feel uncomfortable ? How far will he follow me ?

& I hear mixed messages really where some dudes are like, “you just gotta tell a dude like that no & he will stop.” Will he ? Will he ? Because he is literally stalking me in his vehicle & saying derogatory things at me. For some men, especially predatory, to outwardly deny them would instead be taken as a challenge because god forbid you say no to them, that's asking for more problems. So what can I do ?

It was difficult obviously. I went into a store for some time & contemplated telling a cashier, because I didn't have a phone at the time, I couldn't call nine one one & provide a license plate. All I had was myself & what I could do physically. But I can't say who it was either, no description because I was trying to ignore them & realistically I do not know car models. But, I know I had looked at the vehicle because I know I saw the two times they circled back to bother me further, & yet I don't remember thinking about knowing what it looked like when I'd left the corner store.

& then what if he's still there ? I went home a different way hoping to completely obstruct sight of what building I'd gone into or where I'd really gone at all. What was the point ?

At the time I'd called my dad because I was distraught about it, why wouldn't I be ? Do you think it's normal to call your dad as a woman to tell him something like this & want or expect some type of comfort or concern ? But he basically told me what did I expect having boobies ? & basically I should get used to it because that's just how men are. & realistically no, I don't disagree with my dad but my problem is you can say that but you should still offer concern for me.

The same person who had previously stolen from me as well when I was homeless, his own child. How do you love someone like that ? How do you love someone who tells you to your face as a teenager they were right to beat your mom when she was a teenager & he was an adult because she was asking for it ?

& he started this new family when I was in my earlier twenties with a woman either the same age or younger than me at the time. So I get there's really nothing wrong with a twenty year old woman being with a sixty year old man, no matter who you are really, I'm asserting as long as the person is of age & they are consenting to the relationship then it's fine. I don't really care in the way if it's abnormal or makes other people uncomfortable because if it's what they want then what's the problem ? If it's their choice & they aren't being forced. So it is funny for me to be like ew she's actually my age or younger, but my dad was over twenty dating my mom when she was fourteen so did he ever really care ? No. You can take substance out of a piece of shit, but when I look at my mom & pan my vision to the people around me, I do realize how rare it actually is for a piece of shit parent to actually change & want to become better. & my dad is a joke. You remove substance but you're still a piece of shit.

So I won't qualm outwardly like a spoiled, entitled brat to say he can't have a family like he always wanted. But for me, it's one or the other & I will not compromise because I don't have to. I am allowed to feel whatever I feel & maintain that as my unwavering truth.

& it's fine really in the respect this takes the guilt off me for being unable to be there as well. It's someone else's problem, I'm entirely removed. Absolved ? It doesn't matter, because if you fail as a parent then you don't deserve your kid at all. It's important to feel how the weight of ruining someone else's life will ruin your own & you cannot run from this or change it. We all have to live with it.

Just as I have maintained I am a person who cares & feels empathy or sympathy for others, but I will never ever strive to be a good person or expect praise or attention from others for being perceived as a good person. I don't even care if I am a bastard villain in someone else's narrative. Because whatever “evil” I do to someone will never be some horrific crime that's actually worthy of public scorn or condemnation. I don't have to be angelic good. I'm just some guy.

So I care, but I don't care. His family call me or message me every other year of my whole fucking life to tell me he's dying, even when I was a child. My mom said “he's always dying !” It becomes a boy who cried wolf, that I'm not going to believe or care when he does die because his family been driving a damn wedge between us themselves.

So no, I think this is it for me. I would not block my dad on social media, but I think I'm done really. I will feel a measure of hurt when he dies, but probably not unlike that for my great grandfather. The feelings are complex enough that it's reasonable to just completely disregard a person's existence because it's better than carrying around torturous complexities that really don't even matter anyway. Basically, if you've traumatized me so severely, I won't hold onto your memory for my own sake. & if you truly love me then you understand this is just what I have to do. That's all there is to it.

But my dad did say he wanted me to have his skull when he dies. Presumably his ghost will come back & scare the ever living fuck out of me any chance he gets, just like he loved to do while alive. & though I hear of biohazard laws that condemn such behavior, I will still do my best to honor his wish even if it means the rest of my life being terrorized by the ghost of someone I don't really even like by their haunted skull. That's family honor I guess ?

& even if my mom is better now, I do feel like it's worth it to mention my dad doesn't compare me to this other child, my agony comes from myself. But my mom isn't childless intentionally, actually the complete opposite. Multiple times she did mean to have another child but kept losing them thankfully, despite her best wishes anyway. & she did tell me straight up to my face when I was a teenager she was having another baby that she was going to love instead because she hated me so much & didn't want me anymore. Though I recognize even if I get mad or upset, the situation truly would have been no different. Such a child would have been abused & neglected anyway. Miscarriage after miscarriage were divine intervention or curse & either doesn't matter to me. There would be no relationship otherwise.

All of it made me re-evaluate both sides of my families. Something is just wrong with my dad's side, which I been known my whole life. There is something irreparable going on there, such a nastiness I never want to be around again, nor would I ever want to see something similar elsewhere. Truly the type of shit you see & you take off running to get the fuck away from it.

But I'd lied to myself all my life to think my maternal family was good. Part of the problem with my dad's side was a lot of whole family enabling bad behaviors in everyone & no one seeing how it's harmful, to even become willing to change for the better. Like the whole family lives in this weird prison of coddling toxic behaviors so no one ever grows or changes or attempts to do anything better or reasonable. I realized only recently my mom's family is not too different but for at least my great grandparents I think were good people ? I think they accepted people with love rather than wanting to change someone even if the person was exhibiting negative behaviors... But I don't know if that's right, because they ended up enabling my grandparents & then my mom & her brother which allowed for my mom to be a piece of shit to me for half my life without any repercussions & her brother & mom never learned how to live by themselves or wholly care for themselves. Even love & acceptance can be toxic if you aren't willing to challenge or teach someone who has bad behaviors. So I feel aggravated.

Though I can't help but wonder why her extended family never reached out, because they all have their own small family of kids, own houses & businesses, like, clearly you're doing good & have never suffered in your life but someone just threw out their kid & you have nothing to say about it because it's not yours so it's not your problem ? I don't know how to feel.

I am a mom foremost with my cats. Even if I don't like human children & want nothing to do with them, I still get highly uncomfortable at the idea of a kid just being thrown away into nothing. It's more human to just euthanize them like an animal honestly. I'm sympathetic & empathetic & realistically I can say these things because obviously I was a kid thrown away by everyone. Just euthanize them. The life has become invalid if their brain's formative years was thoroughly destroyed.

I didn't know what to do. I considered blocking my dad's whole family & I still might. I hold no obligation to any of them, especially not if their intentions are to be wildly hurtful to me for no fucking reason. As the Lonely Island once said; “I'm an adult !”

Though I had felt critically depressed anyway. I felt catatonic. Like my humanity slips away from me entirely into nothing. For some weird reason I started watching the sumo wrestling because I just happened to keep turning on the TV when it was starting. I thought about how my husband loves the sumo wrestling, which I had considered in the last tournament, but still couldn't get into or want to watch. & realistically I been watch sumo on & off in the past by antenna when PBS would air NHK.

Something about this one just fucking hit. I'd heard more recently sumo is in a flux where we're seeing more fighters outside of the traditional pushing, thrusting & belt grabs. It would seem it's being called “technical sumo” though not officially. Officially, it's new enough I guess that it doesn't have a name yet ?

For me it's like I like mma, jiujitsu & grappling, & I'd seen wrestlers utilizing arm bars, throws & flips. So I'm losing my absolute mind. I would say it's wholly the greater allowance in this tournament for more fanciful & unconventional movements & styles that roped me in so tightly. I liked being able to see wrestlers who aren't mr big meat but smaller wrestlers who body composition prioritizes muscle over fat. Which I hear is difficult because when you're going up against opponents who are at minimum of three hundred pounds, you have a lot more you have to fight back against. The big boys can really flatten a smaller boy with nothing, but they call the small ones giant killers & I'm saying hell yeah. I learned a technique beforehand that it's all about breaking someone's stance & grounding. Hit up from below to topple or stagger a heavier opponent. It's possible ! But smaller rikishi also seem to face a higher likelihood of severe breaks & injuries.

I learned all kind of things. Like I guess the whole sport is done as a ritual to placate a god to prevent war, so they say all sumo wrestlers are fighting for the common goal of world peace. & the greatest rank can only be achieved if you are truly kind & honorable as a person. Their lives are mostly entirely devoted to their role as a wrestler, spending a majority of their time training, eating & sleeping, though apparently a lot of wrestlers actually hate eating & find it very difficult. Some even have a really hard time gaining weight in general. I felt a bit moved to feel in line with the wrestlers, to both hate eating & find it difficult to put on weight despite it being a mutual goal. Somehow it's comforting to know such big boys feel the same. & also a lot of them sustain severe injuries & will keep fighting despite them because missing a match means demotion. It's not only a life style of immense training & devotion, but the mental fortitude is amazing. I felt like then it made perfect sense why Rengoku would love sumo even if I didn't understand clearly before. But even more with all of this, the air of the ring is immaculate. A great show of force & tactics but everyone is so fucking amped up it becomes an incredibly excitable affair as two big boys smack the shit out of eachother. The crowning is truly the biggest, strongest & kindest boy for peace. Beautifully admirable !!

When you see a really good match, I'm about to jump out of my seat, I'm yelling “whoa !!” Then you watch someone do so good & take themself out by slipping on the wet, slippery clay & you're yelling a pained “Nooooo !!” for them !! You start cheering & rooting, wanting the boys to win. Like how Onosato nearly made a full sweep of the tournament. I was cheering for him ! We eagerly await his matches, waiting for the big boy to get crowned ozeki. All the while I would say I felt great fondness for Ura & his dynamism & appreciation for Midorifuji's small frame coming in against such huge opponents ! Ura impressed me over & over & over again, quickly becoming my favorite wrestler because as they say, he is so unpredictable, you never know what you're going to get with him ! They said he makes his matches fun to watch for everyone. Truly I would not have gotten into it if it were not for Ura, Onosato & Wakatakakage.

Even if I believed I wouldn't feel a deep fondness for a fat man, I truly started to love Kotozakura & Mitakeumi as well. I was so moved to watch them grab their opponents immediately after throwing them out of the ring to make sure they wouldn't fall & get hurt or in instance when they do throw someone, they immediately extend their hands to help them up. It makes you reevaluate everything. To think in the USA being fat is so vilified for being disgusting, but the big boy wrestlers are so kind, thoughtful & caring, it makes them cute & someone to love & cheer for !

I truly found that watching the matches each day, even when I was so depressed & catatonic, it truly made me feel better, at least in that moment. I am so fired up by the show. I feel very silly to say how much I love the sumo wrestlers. It's difficult to reconcile mostly because the decades cemented stereotypes the USA made of sumo wrestlers. Even now, to try to look up information about my favorite rikishi, Google only tends to pull the inflatable sumo fat diaper costumes or typical fat bear wrestler. It feels very appalling & disturbing. Because I don't feel good to say how much I love the rikishi when someone is going to look up sumo wrestling & only be met with that. It seems very harmful & racist to me. It bothers the fucking shit out of me honestly. It brings me a lot of grief.

For following Onosato's big adventure to ozeki, he has become the golden boy, the one you've all been waiting for as a new viewer. Will he make ozeki, will he make a clean sweep of the entire tournament ? A few of his matches were technicalities that went in his favor, but even once I seen him thrown out of the ring, the slow motion showed his face just so serene. It felt like he truly didn't mind one way or the other. It had been smooth sailing all throughout, catching each day every night & getting more & more involved to want to know these guys & be informed as a fan.

I feel like those ovulation memes, like you gotta take these wrestlers away from me when I'm ovulating because something happened to me when Wakatakakage threw Onosato out of the ring & Onosato started crying. The camera pans back to Wakatakakage & my roommate says “he looks so mean !” & he just had absolutely immaculate stage presence, what an aura !! Boy, I'm brought to my absolute knees so fast I'm ashamed. Like wow, what appeal ! I want to put his picture in my wallet & show him to everyone.

& I'm trying not to be distraught with myself because the reality of sumo is all for being the kindest, strongest & most honorable man, then ideally he's a good man. There's just that haunting stereotype that would make people think I am down bad for some fat, smelly guy. Though admittedly I'm more embarrassed to be like oh no a crush equates to mean I'm cheating on my husband. It's meaningless because this is a real man who I respect for being married & have at least one young child. Though I admit, I have to say I am more endeared to hear his wife is some kind of careworker & hearing they do have at least one small child. I find that extremely precious for him ! Ideal man !

& yet ! What has to be reasoned with is I look at men & women the same. When someone is so compelling to me, I think about what is it aesthetically that captivates me about them ? & then, how can I attain that for myself ? Do I build myself up with thighs like this woman because she has the most glorious thighs I have ever seen in my life ? It gives me something to compare myself to for a goal. Looking at women for body shapes, facial features & weight, but I am looking at men for musculature. I am looking at people for how they move in their body & in their face. I wanted to have hair long like Neji, arm muscles like Hiei & Rengoku have a great broad chest & immaculate stance & posture. I feel like that looking at Wakatakakage, what an immaculate chest & posture, his aura & movements are unbelievable ! I see him & I say, I want to attain that. I want to be swaggie like that.

I was surprised as well because looking everywhere for interviews to learn more about this sports celebrity, someone said he was a dick & I'm saying how could that be possible if you won't make yokozuna without kindness & respect for others ? I kinda think they were referring to him being short answering questions makes him seem disinterested & like he doesn't want to be there, but personally I wonder if he's short because he's awkward or if it's a matter of following that buddhist tenet of not speaking beyond what's necessary ? Because appearing to be a self involved windbag is not very honorable.

I feel disappointment because it made me feel a bit alone. To have a thought of such a nice man existing. Though I admit wholly, it's only conjecture, I can't speak for who a celebrity truly is as a person. It reminds me of how alone I actually feel & accidentally breaks my fantasy with Rengoku. To imagine a nice, caring & generous man would really exist in reality. It's an extremely painful feeling for me.

The jokes about ovulation aside anyway though, I still think it's impossible to have a deep feelings for another person in a physical sense. Though I thought of a way it could be possible, it's unnecessary to share with you because it will never happen. I think celebrities put themselves out there to become objects of affection or ire for others, for people to fabricate all kinds of nonsense about them that could end up being disturbing. I at least try to separate myself from that. My roommate said I was sexualizing the sumo boy but I'm not even sure if that's what I was actually doing. I think I want to be removed from such a harmful thought because I still believe to hold such feelings for any person is deeply wrong for me. Even entirely removed from me, he's still a person with feelings. It's okay if I think he's attractive, even in a sexual sense, but I don't think there's allowance for a further thought really. But I can look at him & pick apart his features personally. However, if he sold a pin up, I'd buy it. Down bad buying sumo pin up calendar made to appeal to women. Well, maybe only if every month were him. Anyway, you've heard my request..

I'd like to get a shirt with him on it even. I don't like when the try to cartoonify the wrestlers because it just doesn't translate well. Much like trying to make Rengoku human, it does not work. Both are stand alone entities loved as they are & cannot be changed to another plane of existence.

Anyway what if I accidentally started a movement around making sumo sexy for women ? Though personally idk because I would imagine that already exists & might just be a language barrier.

I was also not able to find any portrait t shirts of the wrestlers. I was very surprised honestly ! Especially because realistically it's no different from a band t featuring a whole band or front man or shirts with models on them or shirts with a scene from a tv show or movie star in their movie role screenshot. It's a bit odd to me.

I can't help but comically feel like I woke up in sumo in the fated time to be ignited perfectly into an autism blast. In reaching for my husband, I like to think how he was fated for me & given to me, perfect to fit together & lift me up in every way, he hands me sumo wrestling like a gift that I can start handing to others as well. I can honor my husband in loving something for him & participation together, my roommate said now sumo is going to get really popular because I started talking about it. Well, I'm blowing up seo for one, but at the same time, like I mentioned above, due to the state of flux heralding in a new age for the sport, it actually is very possible it might get even bigger. Especially because due to this current change, sumo is already seeing far higher numbers than usual, allegedly.

So is it really me or did I just walk in at the exact perfect time to make it look like it was all me ? Lol

I told my roommate how sumo is all for the appeasement of deity, I said it's not unlike the foundation for American Gods, to say gods can die when no one believes in them & gods will appeal to new generations in different ways to maintain their life, it seems like this god is an incredibly powerful one right now. I find the worship & spiritual elements to be so incredibly fascinating. Even the dances & gestures, it's all so striking ! It's not just sports men for the sake of sports & fame, but all coming down to worship for the goal of world peace. I'm so moved & so invested in this greatest soap opera I've ever witnessed !!

Though personally I'm slightly distraught. Obviously I give studio money for support because they provide me with things that are important to me, I do wish I could buy neat merchandise for my favorite rikishi where the payment goes directly to their stable :\ I'm able to see merchandise does exist, just not quite what I'm looking for. Though admittedly, outside of a t shirt, I'm not sure what I'm looking for.

To say I don't really know wholly I want to fuck a sumo wrestler, but it does make me re-evaluate that maybe men can be redeemable. I'd imagined to explain such a thought is to say a man can be valuable if he's happy just being an object. Which I think at face value sounds very harsh, but I think in the concept of advertising for online dating, a man should be happy to completely relinquish his being for someone else & only when living for someone else do I think a situation becomes comfortable for a battered women. It sounds jarring, but under the conditions that someone just truly cares for you & their foremost is your happiness, there is no more guard or anything to fear & I think it makes that person easier to love & feel safer to love & be close to. No false ideas of a world without disagreements, but a consideration when safety, care & respect are the foundation of a relationship, it seems easier to be wholly & genuinely emotive without feeling fear, discomfort or like you have to hide any element of yourself. & it's nice to say here I have a clear visualization of what I want in a partner, male or female, but it's depressing at the same time to think about from my perspective, & i've considered maybe it's more to do with where I live, it reads like an unattainable fantasy. I get a little bothered to understand it seems a slim margin of people are able to find such partners. Especially because physical attraction is important to me as well, even if it's considered a shallow mindset. I think you can have the kindest & most attentive partner but you're still going to be tripped if you never physically feel anything.

But at the same time I say what am I even bothering myself for about this ? I think it's safer to resign into nothingness than disappointment & grief in others.

What's the point in taking a chance & spending time when deep down I feel as though I would never really like someone. I get opening your heart & putting it on the line, I just personally don't feel like in my peripheral could a person exist who is both attractive & selfless. Not on this plane anyway.

I feel great woe that the tournament is currently over. I'd heard people in Japan are able to still follow the wrestlers, but I am not sure from my end due to the language barrier. I'd seen other people as well complaining about inaccessibility for lack of language inclusivity. Which at the same time I understand sounds a bit foolish, not all life can have subtitles & that's asking for too much & being entitled, even though a lot of sumo platforms themselves say they want it to be a worldwide phenomenon. It's like, well you do have a lot of people knocking on your door & begging but you're still missing some pathways for accessibility for the people who are literally begging for them.

We'd joked sumo would be the straw that breaks the camels back & forces me to learn Japanese. Though I have a lot pressing me because even last month or so I'd bought a ton of SNES & original Play Station JRPG guidebooks & I'm really sweating hard to read them !

It's interesting to look at the difference in cultures & hold such admiration for how interesting a people are. It's not lost on me that I would want to more closely understand my own, but despite being in USA, my family come from Lativa & it's very difficult to get a roots information when you are a race that was attempted to be genocided multiple times.

Either way I find immense appreciation to look at Japanese culture. I think some people are misguided to think they might wish they were born into that culture, but in doing so, it might be less special because you're not looking at everything with deep admiration & awe if you've always lived it. I think I get a bit concerned when people were lambasted for being weeaboo, though I'm not saying the ridicule was wrong either. What I am saying is I feel very concerned people would misinterpret my utmost respect & admiration as being misguided or fetishization, I try to be very careful in how I portray myself & think. But even looking inward at myself & interests, there's so much I do love rather than a pigeon hole for one concept. I'm not just mr big anime but Japanese rpgs been such an important part of my life since my first memories. Aesthetic in culture from fashion to architecture, nature, art, & food.

I find even as someone with clinical anorexia who hates looking at food, a Japanese eye is able to make foods look so good that I see something & think “oh yeah, I'd eat that.” or “wow, I am desperate to try that.”

So when I think like that, I can understand my fascination & admiration isn't disrespectful.

Like, I thought it was a bit odd to see some Japanese & Korean event where a lot of people arrived dressed in cosplay & I did think that was weird because obviously the whole country isn't just anime ?

I do get really concerned about cultural disrespect. I feel like I get mixed messages too because if a dude fetishizes an Asian women or even white women wanting a kpop boyfriend is all very bad & racist, but I responded nervous when I'd heard a friend say all Japanese people regardless of sex are hot. Maybe the generalization is wrong ? From my perspective, no complete race is all hot, but I admit native americans are definitely outstanding contenders, but I think all races have people who are beyond gorgeous to personal standards & then people you look at & get a bad taste.

My mom said I would have a good chance reeling in an Asian partner because she personally believed american women are seen as exotic. I'm not sure what to think about this. It's a nice dream but I wouldn't hold my breath either way.

I think October will be a bit exciting ! I heard at some point that one figure I am really looking forward to will release, & I think my beach shack order & maybe my omake lottery items should ship.

Currently no doll news necessarily but studio announced an interesting exhibition starting in November. They said it is focused entirely on the hashira & their personalities & feelings. Now ngl that sounds extremely hot to me, but so far what we've seen is base linework art exhibit of characters for their arcs. I found this to be extremely notable because imo it directly coincided with my faces in different profiles & angles pallet. What I would like to see though is new supplemental information presented & new character artwork ! Which I am not sure what will happen either way because I think as of now is just a baseline teaser as we work closer to the event. I'm sure each character will get at least one new artwork, but I think an important attraction would be how to further add to the characters, if the intention is specifically to spotlight them !

I was getting sweaty thinking about it, but we will see what actually ends up happening !

We also have the Mugen Train anniversary in I think two weeks about. They mentioned doing something new for it & releasing new artwork. So I am curious about if old merchandise will be made resale for international, because I'd seen before Rengoku pins & though I'd been kinda eh in regards to pin collecting, I think depending on the price I would take some pulls. I do see a lot of pins on Mercari & I feel some kind of way. But I admit pin collecting isn't my foremost desire.

They had mentioned a new coinciding lottery with the subtext of more details to be announced later. So I have that to look forward to !

Not to mention hopefully new Halloween artwork ! I wonder what the theme will be for this Halloween ?? I think I have been eager to find out since last year ! His artwork was very outstanding for last year so I can only go forward with rising excitement !

There was also an announcement for a collaboration with a zoo that will feature new merchandise & artwork with the theme of characters animal training. Our line up is characters with great popularity, though I was of course immediately surprised & startled to see both Rengoku & Mitsuri missing from animal handling ?? So I am absolutely crying & desperate maybe the months or every couple weeks will switch out line ups because honestly it's devastating not to include them in handling animals !

For dolls, I'd seen two separate manufacturers advertising themselves as go to for if you want a personal custom doll as ooak or for distribution. The one mentioned that they will make clothes but the other one seems more like they will only make an outfit for a doll if you're getting a doll & it didn't quite seem like they're open to just doing clothes. Because I liked the idea of commissioning pieces he's officially been seen wearing.

I ended up getting really impassioned about it because of how bad I want that fucking tiger doll. I was going to see if I could do a version of it with better hair. I'd drawn up bases for four dolls but only find one to really be agreeable. There is a lot more necessary work in blueprints, I wouldn't quite say I am even half way done, because then each would need blueprints for what is the outfit they should be shipped with. It's demanding, but I admit, I'd seen a few people who express they love making dolls so they tend to draw blueprints a lot & yeah, though demanding, there's something that does feel so good about actually doing it. & I think ultimately maybe there will be more ideas conveyed to just see what I'd get. Now finding when I see new dolls listed without attributes or unfamiliar to me by character, I am looking deeply at how eyes & mouths are conveyed for ideas about what I could do.

I'd hit a snag with the tiger one because it had stripes that wrap around it's cheeks & body, I had to get a three sixty view of the doll & because luckily I was able to find the Twitter account that featured it, I went back for more pictures & yes, I was able to find a multitude of helpful pictures of the baby, but I realized I'd previously thought before it was a Chinese doll & had been confused what a Chinese layperson was doing on Twitter in the first place, I realized I can identify some languages at a glance, but I do think if it's a character & not Japanese, I think I tune it out & in this field automatically assume it's Chinese rather than further probing. I'd realized this time looking it is actually Korean. Which is actually really awesome because I was able to see it might have had two distributions but at least one of fifty units & with being released about two years ago give or take, it's possible I may find one on the Korean resale. So the good news is now I have a very good idea about where to find this specific doll. & also knowing the original price conversion was under twenty dollars per doll. So I am praying !

I'd put no work into clothes yet because imo there's so much more attention & thought that are going to be at play when it comes to the clothes.

But i'd ordered from two separate sellers on ebay, I bought a Hiei & Zak from Angels Of Death (otherwise fuck it Killers your Jeff knock off) & then paid crowdfunding on the bird Rengoku & another one that I think is a cat but it doesn't have cat ears ? It has whiskers though ? The cat one doesn't have an actual physical product image but only the blueprint. So I am trying to support but I feel like I am really taking a chance on the Ebay ones because imo the Ebay doll market seems entirely unregulated which does make me super nervous.

I was not nervous in the slightest to buy from Rua despite people insisting they were scammers because I'd believed the issue was people misunderstanding that items were preorder, but for the Ebay my issue is you have sellers who claim they are attentive & respond to every question & just don't ? So it's like, I don't know if this doll is currently being manufactured & we're waiting for that or if it's in the stages of crowdfunding, which I do feel like knowing that makes a huge difference.

Although you see mostly positive reviews of people showing proof they got the doll they ordered, it's also very jarring to see neutral & negative reviews saying when a person confronted the seller about when they were going to receive their doll the seller responded by issuing a tracking number that either later turned out to be fake or ended up coinciding with them receiving just a pin in the mail. & I feel like what kind of business practice is that rather than just explaining in the first place if the item is still in crowdfunding or not ? Because I understand when it comes to manufacture times, distributors really don't know anything one way or the other, it really just is a it finishes when it finishes ordeal. I admit to being extremely nervous though. I hope for the best, but also it's like I'm going to be sitting here for like six months before I could even ask for a refund if I didn't get anything at all. & I personally believe issuing a question is pointless if it only seems to amount to weird forms of aggression ?

I'd started this post yesterday but ended up tapping out because I had other things to do. Id ended up looking at ebay for merchandise for my wrestlers because I was curious if there were better odds there or different articles. I seen a pre order for Wakatakakage's win shirt, which is basically what I was saying I wanted. But I was really appalled because it was seventy dollars with twenty dollars shipping & I'm saying no fucking way because I know the shirt is coming from a distributor & if I could just find the distributor then I could bypass the scam & probably get the shirt for half the price.

I was silly before bed watching wrestling videos by clickthrough so I could find videos with subjects in common in Japanese text that I otherwise couldn't search for. I ended up seeing one that featured this bird I'd seen appear in the televised grand sumo & at the end of the video they'd included their instagram which was in English characters so I could access it. Featured at the top of the page is a link to their store & sure enough, featured on the front page is the shirt on preorder for thirty dollars.

They say it ships late October so I am hoping it can line up with the fulfillment for my Gindaco order (which still does not have a fulfillment date ??) because it would be nice to ship both orders together so I can pay under thirty for shipping on two orders.

I think the Ebay scammers are smarmy as Hell, but I also think they are notable to watch & check like following clues. If they're advertising an item you want then you know the item exists & it's only a matter of locating the original distributor.

Though I definitely think I was very lucky to have everything fall into my lap piece by piece.

Also my mom sent me thirty dollars claiming it was for daughters day but through sources I couldn't possibly mention I'm under the impression she & my step dad wished me a happy daughter's day on son's day lmfao

[mylittlesecrethaven]

Bsd Is Kinda A Genius Anime: Pt 4

We're doing the Hunting Dogs this time!

Let's goooo!

(I said I'd stop doing this at night, but I guess I lied. *sigh*)

(I've already done Fukuchi, so it's only four characters this time around.)

Teruko Ōkura

Ability: Gasp of the Soul

I'm sorry, her ability is what? I just read the Fandom for her gift, and it is wild as shit. I'm not explaining it, cause you can find out in the anime (I think), but holy fuck. Ok.... let's see.... Her RLC was a student of Natsume's RLC (I really need to do this for him. I'll do it in the Special Operation's one.), and her RLC was recognized by Ranpo's RLC. I couldn't find much else besides basic biographies of her life, so Ima check for the book now. Ok, this book is as wild as her own ability. Shit. It's basically about these mysterious events happening in an auction of a clan's family heirloom, which is a letter from the deceased mother saying that she maintained her youthful appearance by making artificial bodies, and one of the heirs disappears? So.... maybe Teruko is from a big clan? I mean, the ability is spot on, and it's still fucking creepy.

(I think I did Tachihara already, but I'll have to check that, so it's only 3 characters I guess.)

Saigiku Jōno

Ability: Priceless Tears

I'm not gonna lie, this guy is a favorite of mine, so I really hope his RLC and RLC's novel doesn't mess that up. Yet again, not much on his actual RLC, which is disappointing. Also, you're telling me his heightened senses aren't his ability? Well, I guess all of the Hunting Dogs were given heightened abilities. Makes sense. The play that Jono's ability is based on doesn't really work together all too well, and I'm not gonna explain what the Fandom says because in my search I came across something here that is absolutely amazing, and if you want to check out the Fandom to find out what the play is about, don't. Just go to the link I put there. Someone put a lot of work into updating the Fandom and I'd like for them to be recognized, so check out the post. :3 Anyway, not much on this guy, which is sad.

Tetchō Suehiro

Ability: Plum Blossoms in Snow

And now we get to the Megumi-Ranpo mix. He's the last one and I can go to sleep after making a shorter post. *happy* Anyway! There's a lot more for this guy, so I should be able to find something. Emmm.... The only connection and I can find his RLC and himself is that his RLC was of samurai lineage and graduated from a samurai school, which could be a connection to how Tetcho acts? Idk. The book has almost no correlation to the ability. The book is just about these two unnamed people from 2040 in Tokyo talking about three specific peoples involvement on politics in the Meiji period. (Which I had to look up and is from 1868-1912, so why would people in 2040 be talking about that.)

(And since I still have time, I guess I'll do him.)

Sōseki Natsume

Ability: I am a Cat

I swear if that's an actual novel... Oh my shit it is. So, his RLC had his hand in a lot of different jars, which I guess Natsume also does? Not much else for that. "I Am a Cat" is about the life of a cat. It anthropomorphizes the cat and basically details the life around it, which it lives a very extravagant life. A very easy and clean connection.

Anyway, that it's for this go! Next I'll do the Special Operations Division. That shouldn't be too long either, I hope.

[butchnetpicker]

Just a question. How did you find my blog and why did you like my stuff? Like I know you'd hate me. You'd be so anti me so I'm like haha why'd you interact.

I mean I'd block you because there's nothing more depressing and attention seeking than running a blog based on hate. Your username and pfp are aimed towards hating one piece of media which is undeniably problematic in nature, while your header and blog focus on hating on a guy who has been dead for over 100 years and was a product of his time period (which doesn't make it acceptable, it just makes it sadly stereotypical—also to the best of my knowledge he never spoke out against Jewish people, although at times he wrote in poor nature which is unacceptable, yes, but also rooted in his perception of society which wasn't good and I'm not making excuses for him but rather I'm trying to explain that he wasn't radical in his thinking and if given equal social resources as today he most likely would have been perfectly accepting of Jewish people) and also given the nature of Victorian prostitutes I don't think he was as much of a nonce as you think, but you're entitled to whatever thoughts float around in your brain. Also once again, Oscar Wilde has been dead for over 100 years so it's not like he's profiting anymore.

The only reason I'm not blocking you on sight is because I'm fairly interested in what you have to say. You may have nothing at all to say, and honestly if I were you I'd just block you without response, but obviously we are two extremely different people.

Ok so trying to answer this as nicely as possible because i dont know why a random person i dont follow has so much hate for me over some shitpost and suchand i am very very very tired and people are being so very mean to me about this . Am not crytyping people say that sometimes when im tired i just an super tird . the pfp and header are just silly things based on inside jokes i thought that was a normal tumblr thing to do. Also idont know who you are i literally dont even follow you. I make a bit of a joke of hatinh oscar wilde but erm the postes i made about him were ages ago except for one of them which was literally inspired by this new york time( https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/10/11/the-myth-of-oscar-wildes-martyrdom)

or whatever article. take issue with the author from new yorker instead of little autistic guy who doesn’t know you.

take issue with the author from new yorker instead of little autistic guy who doesn’t know you. idk why people are so pressed on something i made when i was 13 and posted when i was older because i remembered my friends thought it was silly. Idk why you are so pressed over me existing. But i dont have a lot of friends on here and mostly reblog stuff i Enjoy and forget to update my profile text with any change in interestes. idk why you think i am a 100 percent hater. I dont really hate wilde as much as i hate people idolizijg him and uwu gay beaning him, but i do kinda dislike the dead guy because of that idolization amongst people who want a accessible gay victorian icon. And also because he(probably , we will never 100 percent know for sure,)had sex with drunk people snd people never tell you that in those polished dark academia pintrest quote boards. Some but not all of the court reccords of these boys say that he intoxicated them severly . And i doubt this is lies because in my research of this topic of victorian rent boys(it is special interest) many get arrested for being acomplies no matter what they say, and infact jack saul, who was very open about his gay actions, got away free fromthe cleveland street scanfal. And also not every one in wilde trials said that wilde intoxicated them so the chances of it being dreadful marquess douglas plot is slimmer. Of course we will never know forsure but rich people have always been strange and awful and i feel that people never consider the class element of things. Haha wilde wrote something on socialism. Nice. Now can we please see something by a lowerclass person maybe

Also idc if people read him more power foryou reading and analysis is really cool especially with the layered homosexual subtext wilde has(he even very lightly references fanny n stella once. Real neat stuff imo and shows how tight knit late victorian gay stuff was)

I know 5at the victorian era was messy and awful at times, i know that in france the age of consent was 13 and in Britain at the time it was 17. I know about the fact telegraph boys were basically a gay version of romanticized schoolgirls. But still there is someyhing kinda unsettling about wildes potential actions being glossed over. It is strange and offputting to see from people with multiple postes against republicans spreading lies about lgbt child groomers. Because that is just a bit of fuel to republicans fire and its painful to see people ignore that sort of thing in my mind, i am sorry if i have a weird sense of justice about dead lower class people. But i just do. Baby im an Anarchist or whatever. Words arent wording sorrythat probably sounded awful

Im sorry if you are upset by my blog i mostly a, m just rebloggimh random stufv i see that i think is cool, and such. Please dont yell at me via cyberspace i wanted to provide as good a response to you as can in this state other people are being really nasty to me over thisand idk why they care about this dead guy so much . That they have to send nasty and ablesist stuff. Sorry its just super scarry

[stackthedeck]

Ok wait… do you also have odd feelings on Fahrenheit 451? Because I always just thought there was something wrong with me. Like I just chalk it up to “I was forced to read it so I didn’t like it” but also. The book kinda doesn’t hold up? Like the message does to some extent but there is some part of me bothered by my older adult figures telling me how good this story is. Now granted it could be me being dramatic and not liking authority figures. But some part of me is bothered by the “secret society” that survives the war and the treatment of Montag’s wife ya know? I’m aware of the period it was made in and that is definitely something one has to consider when reading it. So I don’t know where this was going point is I don’t understand the love for Fahrenheit 451 but also maybe I should just give it another read :/

Okay I actually really like Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury is one of my favorite sci-fi authors. Like the novel is definitely dated as all dystopia novels from that time period are because they're written by white dudes and they really don't incorporate any axes of oppression other than the government which like makes sense because that was a real fear and worry in the wake of WWII and the beginning of the cold war. Yeah, the novel is definitely deeply sexist, like the overindulgence in technology and the lack of awareness of the world and government is framed as a very feminine action when in reality it should be you know on society not the individuals. But like again that's a very post-war attitude. Oddly enough the distrust and questioning of authority is part of the theme of the novel so if you finished the book and thought "the people in charge told me I should like this but I don't and I won't pretend I do" you've internalized the novel in a meaningful way. I do really like the secret society it is unfortunately anti-urban but again the threat of nuclear annihilation will do that to you. Like it's this group of people who have been removed from society and they're tasked with rebuilding it with only what they remember of literature. Like most sci-fi novels of the time, the most interesting part of the story is at the very end and isn't given the attention it deserves. Also, the mechanical hound and the suspense of f 451 were gripping and horrifying. Like I feel it is a well-crafted novel but you've gotta put in its cultural context if that makes sense. The shifting hegemony, extremely fast changes in technology especially in the military, and increased government power. Like it's the kind of novel that was needed back then, but I feel that the "book burning" idea needs to be updated to a modern context because it's not as simple as "the government wants to keep you entertained and ideal so you don't think about the war." Like that's not why censorship happens. But also modern dystopias are deeply ineffective at expressing anything thematic so :/

basically what I'm saying is that it's one of my favorite novels but I get why people don't like it. Ray Bradbury was deeply of his time; if I met him, I'd kick his ass before I praise his books. That being said I do recommend his other works, especially his short stories.

[gnot-that-gender]

3rd February 2020

8 weeks on testosterone.

Hi all. Time for an update.

It's been 2 months now. I haven't posted anything because...well...not much has happened. I know progress with hormones is slow but fucking hell.

Content warning for body ickiness, menstruation, genital talk.

General Stuff

I mentioned in my 20th of December 2019 update that my weight and body fat measurements had changed. So here's an update.

Chart as before.

I have put on a lot of weight now and tbh I'm not sure why. My appetite has weakened a lot. I'm snacking a lot less and having more regular meals (which isn't to do with hormones and more to do with me recovering from eating disorder).

I am however drinking a LOT of water. Thorsty boy.

Talking of thirsty....

Sex Drive

Not sure how much people on here know about me, but I'm a sex favourable asexual guy. I have experienced sexual attraction but...rarely and not consistent to people so I dunno what's going on.

I also usually had a very low libido. In the past year my libido had been going up naturally, and as is typical with testosterone it now has had a boost as well. I don't feel necessarily any bigger drive to have sexual contact with others, but knowing it's easier to turn me on had had me curious as to if I could be more casual about sex, despite not having sexual attraction. I won't go into it but it's been interesting.

Genitals

Hi again! It felt like my growth had stopped but recently taken another look and I don't think you could look at it and think it belongs to a cis woman. The head now peeks out of the foreskin most of the time and I can pull it back to reveal the whole head which is very bright pink. I know a lot of guys complain about over sensitive genitals at this time but such hasn't been the case for me. But then I have quite a bit of fat and hair down there so that's probably keeping me protected. Though touching the head doesn't feel overwhelming like it used to before I was on T.

Menstruation wise, still regular as clockwork. Lasting longer than they did before (used to be 3 days, now 5 or 6) and now I get period pains which is!!! Not fucking nice considering I have been very lucky to miss them most of my life.

Skin

My skin is maybe getting a bit oily. I have regular spots on my face but nothing too dramatic. Eczema is in full force but again I keep forgetting to take my antihistamines so that is probably the culprit. I might invest in something to help.

Hair

My hair has definitely become more greasy. It used to cycle between feeling soft and fluffy when washed, then dry and easy to manage, and then flat and greasy. Now it seems to jump right to flat and greasy. Interestingly I've had less dandruff. But that makes sense if my scalp is more sticky. Hair isn't falling out. Hairline doesn't seem to have changed (it has always been kinda square as per the picture).

Mood and Attitude

Definitely not having angry outbursts as some people report. Haven't cried since my last update. But I've had no reason to and never been much of a crier anyway. I'm more confident for sure, but I've also moved home recently. Out of a stressful situation so that says a lot for my more positive outlook.

Face and Fat

My face is fatter because I've put on weight. I'd say on regard to fat distribution my face hasn't benefited. Actually none of me has. All my extra weight has gone to my hips and back and added to my muffin top/love handles. I hate it. It reminds me of when I was on the contraceptive pill. :/

Voice

Nope. No change yet. Actually I read up on it and apparently some guys never experience voice changes...especially older guys as our cartilidge is less inclined to grow. And some guys end up with a broken voice forever. So... I'm terrified of that. As a singer the thought kills me.

Body and Facial Hair

No change at all. Might try minoxidil for beard growth but chances are it won't do anything because nothing is growing at all yet.

Concerns

If I'm honest, I don't think the T is having a proper effect. It could be because I'm using testogel and have some sort of issue with absorbing it but my suspicion is my body is turning it back into oestrogen (hence the body fat stuff and heavier periods). I'm trying not to worry about it too much until my 6 month appointment. But it's frustrating.

Overall...

Very downhearted. Everything else in life is pretty good and this is the only real thing bothering me, which probably just makes it feel worse but I'm coping. Bought myself a packer as a treat to help with some dysphoria.

Until next time folks x