#i’ll be fine but jesus fucking christ guess i don’t need juice or cheese that badly

[sharkieboi]

welp not going grocery shopping cause checked my account and I have like $100 left!!

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[ims-monbebe]

White Sugar.

Author’s note: Ya girlll is back with part 3 of my Kiho fic. I’ve had this done for actually a few weeks but have been too lazy to post it... So here ya go finally to the few that read it! Thank you for being patient.

Warning: Idk if I should do a trigger warning for this chapter b/c something happens (When you read it you’ll know) I personally tried to write it more as a job and task if anything, so I’ll just leave this warning here in case someone needs it so read at your own risk. (This is a shitty trigger warning but I’m trying so hard not to spoil things wow) Okay whatever let’s get to it. This is kind of a short chapter but I hope you enjoy. Feed back is always welcomed :)

Chapter 3: Promise?

Wonho's pov

  My eyes flicker open as the sun peeks in front of them. I look around and see that I'm still in Jooheon's loft. I hear the sound of pots and pans clanking and slowly push my body off the couch. I continue to walk forward and find his roommate Changkyun in the kitchen.

  "Morning man, rough night?" 

  I sit down on the table and nod. "You can say something like that."

  "What did you guys do?"

  "The usual. Club, bottle service."

  "I'm sorry I couldn't make it. I had to stay longer at the company last night. Some shit about a meeting."

  "It's okay dude don't even worry about it. Jooheon swore you were with some girl you met."

  He laughs as he finds the right pot he's been searching for. "My pussy ratio is the same as yours, zero."

  I stick out my tongue. "Stop saying pussy, that's a gross word."

  "Pussy pussy pussy." He opens the fridge. "Puuuussy."

  "Fine! I get it. Gosh Changkyun you're so gross."

  He shrugs as he pores himself a glass of orange juice. "Do you want breakfast or not?" 

  "What are you making?"

  He shrugs. "Probably just rice and kimichi... or we can go out and get something."

  "That sounds like a better idea." I get up from the table. "I'm gonna go get Jooheon up."

  "Okay, hurry his ass up. I'm gonna get dressed real quick." 

  I run off too Jooheon's room and slowly peek my head inside. I see him sprawled out on the bed snorting quietly. I walk further inside and shake him slightly. "Joohoney 1hunnit..." I laugh slightly. "Lee Jooheon. Joooheooon." I keep shaking him as I start to see his eyes open slightly. He turns his head and sees me and groans.

  "What?"

  "Want to get breakfast with Changkyun and me?"

  "No." He turns on his side. "Goodnight." 

  "Fine." I begin to walk away. "And it's 1 in the afternoon dumb ass." I see him flip me off as I close the door. I walk back to the living room and see Changkyun fully dressed on the couch tying his shoe laces together

  . "What did he say?"

  "He's not coming. Just us two."

  "Fine with me. Let's go.”

 We step outside the loft and walk to the elevator. "What are you in the mood for?" Changkyun asks as he pushes the button to the lobby.

  "Hmm. Crepes kind of."

  He nods. "I know this good cafe that serves amazing crepes. Some girl I had a one night stand with took me there." 

  I roll my eyes. "You and Jooheon are the same."

  "I don't see what's wrong with it. We don't have girlfriends."

  "Don't you want one?"

   “Nah." He shakes his head. "Not right now at least. I like living with Jooheon, I don't really want that to change for now."

"What if Jooheon gets a girlfriend?"

  His face retorts as the elevator comes to a stop. "Well she better get used to me being there all the time. I'm not moving out."

"You're lowkey gay for him." 

 "Go fuck yourself Hoseok." 

  I laugh as we step outside into the fresh air. "I'm kidding. Lead the way to breakfast then." ----- Kihyun's POV

  I quickly sit up and see Minhyuk sleeping on his side. I groan as I throw myself off the bed. I look at the night stan in his room to see his alarm clock read 9:30 am. 

  "Minhyuk." I slightly shake him. His eyes instantly open and he smiles. 

  "What?"

  "It's 9:30...." 

  His eyes widen as he sits up. We both jump out of his bed and fling the door open to his room and quickly run out. We run out the long dim lit passage and run to the front of the building. I stop at the double doors and look through the little window. I gulp as I see Shownu behind the bar. Minhyuk gives me a terrified look and I just nod my head in encouragement. He opens the door and walks in, me following closely behind. Shownu instantly shoots his head up in our direction, the most pissed off look rests on his face. 

  "Minhyuk, Kihyun... what day is it today?"

  I look at Minhyuk and see his eyes on the floor. He gulps and looks at me. "S-Saturday." He says above a whisper.

  "I can't hear you, what day is it Minhyuk?"

 "Saturday." I respond back to Shownu.

  Shownu looks over at me. "I wasn't talking to you. I was asking Minhyuk." He clears his throat. "It's Saturday sir."

  "That's right, and what are you dumb fucks supposed to do every Saturday morning?" He looks at the both of us. "Things haven't changed. Every Saturday morning at 8 am what are you supposed to do?" 

  I gulp. "Shownu, please." I plead. "Anything, anything but that. My body can't take it anymore."

  He walks over to me, his finger tips brushing over my cheek. "You and Minhyuk are the best guys we have. You know what needs to be done. These men pay a lot of money for you. Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking cock slut these men wouldn’t want you."

  I shudder at the thought. "Shownu plea-"

  I feel my body hitting the ground without warning. I look up and see Shownu towering over me. His fist in a ball as my mouth throbs in pain. I look over at Minhyuk who's eyes are wide, he looks over at Shownu who doesn't acknowledge his eyes. "Are you talking back to me? You two are in deep shit for being late. How do you think that makes me look?" 

  I cough as I taste the blood inside my mouth. "I-I'll go alone. Please let Minhyuk stay here. I'll take his place today." 

  Minhyuk mouths a "what are you doing?" As I get off the ground. "I know what the Russians pay you Shownu. I'll take Minhyuk's place for today. Just let him go." 

  Shownu looks at me and to Minhyuk. "Fine. I don't care. As long as one of you goes in there. Just don't let this ever happen again. You no good pieces of shit are even worthless when it comes to this." He pushes past us. My eyes are glued to the floor for a few seconds.

  "I guess I should get back there then."

  I look at Minhyuk. "Kihyun... you don't have to do this."

  I smile at him. "Think of it as a thank you for being there for me last night." I begin to walk towards my designated room. I hear Minhyuk pleading for me to go back but I keep walking forward regardless. I'm face to face with a velvet curtain and push past it. I walk into a small room that's lightly lit. 

  "There's only one of you today?" The man speaks, his accent is thick and the smell of vodka lingers around the room.

  I shrug. "Yes. How are you today?" 

  "Hard, now are we going to do this or are we going to keep this small talk bullshit up?"

  Jesus Christ. "What did you pay for today?"

  "More than the half ass blow jobs I usually get here, that's for sure." I shake my head, my body feeling cold. "Got it." 

  I begin to awkwardly remove my clothes from the previous night and the fat slob in front of me begins to do the same. I get on my hands and knees on the couch and feel my chest tighten as it does every morning on this specific day. I hope he makes this as quick as he's able to scarf down a fucking cheese burger. I feel him abruptly push his harden member at my entrance and I bite my bottom lip, the tears forming in my eyes as pain takes over my body. "You're so tight boy." The man whispers in my ear, his voice sending shivers of fear down my spine.  

  I look up at the ceiling as his actions continue. I feel my eyes becoming more watery as the man behind me keeps thrusting and muttering slurs out. I look down and feel my chest send ripples out of my body. At least Minhyuk is okay and isn't enduring this. My mind wanders to last night. The warm smile of the man that came here randomly. My body begins to tighten as I grasp fully what's happening. 

  Wonho would never want a guy like me. Someone who's forced to get fucked for someone else's money. I look over my shoulder again as the man's thrusting becomes faster and sloppier. "I'm gonna cum." He whispers loudly.

  I continue to look down at the cheap leather sofa as the room gets filled with his loud moans. After what feels like eternity I feel the man pull himself out of me. I hear him putting his clothes on and leaving the room without saying a single word. I collapse onto my side and look up at the celling. The tears falling from my eyes at a rapid pace. "Why did things turn into this? Why do I let myself continue to do this?" I whisper to myself. I feel my body shaking as my crying continues. After moments I sit up and put on my clothes on once again. I slowly walk out of the room and back to front room. 

  I look over at the glass door and sigh. Maybe someday I'll be free from here, but for now I'm trapped in here. I slowly make my way back to Minhyuk's room. The tears can't stop from falling out of my eyes. I find myself in front of his door and open it without a warning. I see Minhyuk who's sitting on his bed. His eyes meet mine and he instantly gets up and pulls me into his arms. 

  "Are you okay?" He whispers.

  I just shake my head. "No, but I'm fine."

  "I told you, you didn't have to go. Please Kihyun never do that again." I feel the tears fall from my eyes more. "Minhyuk, can we promise each other one thing?"

  He nods, tears now falling from his eyes. "Of course. Anything you want."

  "Whoever gets out of here first, let's not forget each other."

  "I'd never leave you here alone Kihyun, I'd comeback."

  I smile as I wipe my eyes. "It's settled then. Whoever leaves first we gotta get the other one out soon after."

  Minhyuk nods and holds out his pinky for me. "Promise."

  I link our pinkies together. "Promise."

[49scribes-a]

{--More stream quotes!--}

YEA BO- wait. What the fuck is this. OH MY GOD THAT MUSIC. I'M TRIGGERED. I FLASHING BACK SO HARD. GOODBYE.

Hige don't be dramatic you're fine

NO I'M NOT. I REMEMBER HAVING FF ON GBA. -SCREECHES-

Honestly I was playing The Evil Within 2 the other day it was a traumatic experience for me.

Fuck that, yolo it.

No I'm not gonna yolo it.

Assaless.

Speak my name when u arrive... say my name boi.

I received the Sword of the Order.

Kinky.

Do you seriously remember that?

Jesus christ that was so long ago.

Was it? I have no concept of time. I literally don't. Like none. The bashtard.

Basch. Baschtard. Vaangina.

*Gets out the hose. Pressure washes Hige with holy water*

I smell. Something weird. Like hot glue.

*turns into swiss cheese*

RIP swissed Hige.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. IS BURNING. IN RL. I SMELL HOT GLUE. AM I DYING RN. THEY SAY YOU SMELL HOT GLUE WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A SIEZURE.

Where's the spy pirate I wonder.

I've heard of smelling brussel sprouts...

It varies. Some say copper pennies. Some say hot glue. Some say burning stuff.

Dead raccoons smell a lot like melting brussel sprouts. Pro tip.

Hige I-- I don't... wanna know how you know that.

Cuz of their hobby.

Vaugn the oversharing fuckwit. Relatable.

I genuinely forgot how to spell his name, and just don't care at this point.

Jar jar binks!!!

Its Vaan. Two a's.

Van. Vaan. Yawn.

Wtf was that noise Vaan.

Sell shit, be rich for about 5 seconds, then be poor.

He's just a teenage boy.

OH. I KNOW WHAT I'M SMELLING. FUKING FI R E WOR KS.

Sky pervert u say.

Everyone in this house but me is like 'OH MY GOD ITS GUNSHOTS. 100 PERCENT GUNSHOTS. THE WORLD SO DANGEROUS.' And I'm like... bitch... its fireworks... 'NO -- ITS NOT -- I WAS IN THE ARMY I WOULD KNOW WHAT A GUNSHOT IS. PLUS, I JUST SAW THE FLASH FROM THE BARREL'. Excuse me... guns don't... guns don't flash.

flash from the bARREL. I'M LAUGHING.

That's not... how guns work.

Oh what I don't have my party with me.

I was waiting to see how long before you noticed lmao.

Wow you guys are so mean. Not telling me I forgot my party.

I'm gonna summon them like beatle juice.

Oh man it didn't work.

Oh there you are. I tried to summon you like beatle juice but it didn't work.

Well you shoulda said that chant over a dead possum. Then I woulda heard you.

Confession. I'm still hella weak for bunny tatas.

I DON'T REMEMBER ALL THE FAKE NAMES OKAY.

Clearly neither does Vaan.

Am I ready for the mines? Am I? Aaam I? I am let's go.

Ah, so polite. You're also like. My well of never-ending potions.

Oooooo. Whip him. Whip him daddy.

Jfc.

I want to see him broken and bleeding and crying for more.

*gets the holy water hose again*

THATS NOT HOLY WATER. THERE'S NOTHING HOLY ABOUT IT. EXCEPT THAT IT FILLS ME WITH HOLES.

Exactly.

What big teef u have.

Every city looks pretty at night. They look better on FIRE at NIGHT.

We're not lighting Bhujerba on fire.

WHY THE FUCK NOT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS GASOLINE NOW.

Okay, Hige? You can set that airship right there on fire.

=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD MAKE IT A FUCKING PHOENIX.

Hello sexy.

Nevermind. He looked better through the blurry window. Fucking frizied hair.

Everyone looks the god damn same to me.

Assless.

[spongebob voice] Iiiiiii'm ready. Iiiiii'm ready.

Idk where they are ho.

I don't know if this is weird but, does catnip... smell like tea? Cuz I think it kinda smells like tea.

Wouldn't know, I've never smelled catnip that I can remember.

I missed my chance to be Cool and say 'I've never snorted catnip'. I disappoint myself.

Awwww, but I want to take out half your kingdom army with this.

Dang you only had 8 gil? You're a poor ass soldier, what the fuck.

I guess I will just. Sound the alarm.

sOUND THE ALARM. BEE BU DEE BU DAH DEE DEE DEE.

Now I'm gonna have to look that song up. gdi.

You gonna slap her again? ...I mean him, not her.

What FUCKING level are you? Oh my gooood.

God-- Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

DON'T STOP. BELIEVIN.

n y o o m.

SUPER SAIYAN.

R i p t h a t du d e.

aAWWWWWWWWW WHAT ARE TH O SE. THEY'RE ADORABLE.

KNIGHTKNIGHTKNIGHTKNIGHT.

KNIGHTTTTT.

I can't find the gd song.

lOOK AT THAT ARMOR.

Found ya bitch.

I ALWAYS FORGET ABOUT THE GD FILTER.

THEY'RE ADORABLE. I WANT 10.

Okay but u know what else is fucking adorable. The. Sheep. In Nautilus Park in FFXIII. ...Wow it  didn't censor me that time.

THE SHEEP LOOK LIKE MUPPETS WTF. THEY'RE SO CUTE.

Lavi was honestly just. "I'm living in this park now. I'm never leaving these sheep."

Doug wants a moogle.

I PLAYED A MOOGLE ONCE. AND THEIR HUMAN FC WAS KOMUI.

Chocobos are better.

THERE. Fuk u chat.

But also omg. Komui as a M O O G L E.

Chocobos are blessings.

I need to find that blog I had now.

FOUND IT.

I did so many fucking laps around this airship. Eventually I ran out of spawns. It was just. 'Damn'.

Jeez Vossler, god damn, put some eye drops in your eyes.

'You won't be able to leave this area easily, you should think about saving in a different file' NAAAAAAAAAH.

Wait, you mean you weren't. Fighting anything all this time? God damn it Ashe. Didn't have your gambits on, *growls* /PRINCESS/.

I mean. Its an honest mistake. At least you didn't go out into a sandstorm without your party to fight a Mark kek.

FIX YOURSELF.

fIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.

Okay. Let's just go with this. Too many. I don't like it.

*sips cola*

(elis voice) i gOT THE COLA.

[coach voice] COLA.

Honestly my favorite is. 'Ah now Coach you look like you done this before.'

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LINE JUST. ISN'T RIGHT.

Exactly.

I hate being blinded too tbh. I say as I never wear glasses I need to wear.

GDI BASCH

fuk u, alarm

*long gasp* God damn it shE'S ALSO LEVEL 14 I'm fucking screeching.

Yaaaaaaay my favorite one. Tides of Fate.

HEAVEN'S WRATH SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY COOL INNOCENCE NAME NGL.

It sounds like it'd be a cool af staff.

Hi, Doug's possible ancestor.

O this fight was "fun"

oHO DAM N SHE ANGERY

I read aero as lero

*to the tune of shots* BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS

I'll see myself out

Here comes butts.

bUTT

BUTT

Bun Butt.

U know. Bunny tailed Lavi is one of my favorite things in RWBY and FFXII verses. /Especially when he's agitated/.

ANGERY BUNNY BUTT.

I'm st ill l aug hin g. When Weiss worked him into a tizzy about if she was complimenting or insulting him and he couldn't figure it out. Bunny tail going a mile a minute.

Oh my god I remember that ask. That was my favorite ask, just cuz it worked him into a tizzy. She wasn't gonna answer him either, he would've been like "are you complimenting or insulting me?" and she would've just been like "Yes."

t h e f u c k w a s t h a t. That thing looked like something out of a nightmare.

THAT THING. NO. THE ALIGATOR LOOKING BITCH.

I'm here and AM queer.

THAT.

THOT.

SCARY BITCH.

Hello queer. I'm ace.

Changing my name to Hiqueerge.

THE BACON PEPPERONI WOLF. BACON PEPPERONI. I'D EAT THAT.

j FC WHY.

I don't know why they did this but. God. Horrible clashing colors.

You wouldn't eat that Hige.

I WOULD. BET IT TASTES LIKE CYANIDE AND HEARTBURN.

Oh my god, Hige. Why am I friends with you?

Its like a um... chimera. I think chimera is the right word.

The fast forward run is fucking killing me. They need chipmunk voices.

Ashe is problematic. Her skirt is not functional. This... is both problem and not a problem at all. Its a problem because why bother wearing anything at all at that point. Its not a problem because at least it keeps the perverts happy.

Ashe is problematic... although right now its currently basch. Because he hasn't reACHED LEVEL FUCKING 14 YET.

I hate her boots though. I hate those boots. I wish they'd just given her actual pants.

Fight her boots.

Her dysfunctional wardrobe is the final boss.

Jar jar binks got big.

Stronk stronk bigs.

THERE BE ANOTHER ONE.

AAAAARRRRR. YE BE AFTER ME TREASURE?

I can't be a pirate anymore tho so. w e e p s.

KILL IT WITH FIRE

FIIIIIIIIRE

FIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Cure me, bitch.

You know I haven't been paying attention-- *gasps* OH MY GOD I FINALLY LEVELED UP, REALLY?

LOOK AT THAT. ALL LEVEL 14 YAAAY.

*HEAVENLY CHORUS IN THE BACKGROUND*

HAAAAALLEJULAHHHH

I... all I can imagine is that skyrim video. With the crier. Flying away into the horizon as he’s giving a sermon.

HE ASCENDED.

tfw you kick the power strip and knock the internet out.

k it n o. don't kick power strips. Power strips are friends.

This is what happens when I never sit at a desk.

R e l a t a b l e.

Why do I do this to me.

S C R E A M S. p oor r ox as. P oor stupid axel.

ROXAS DESERVED BETTER.

I love axel. He's a good. But not really. He's an asshole, but. We love him anyway. He tried to be a dad. I'm proud of him.

All fictional redheads are Goods But Not Really lmfao *side eyes Lavi*

Okay well. Maybe not /all/. *side eyes Cross harder*

Judge Cross all u want. Stupid fuck.

Hinata's the only ginger who'se excused.

Ok abut also Reno. Fucking Reno. RENO'S A BITCH.

Okay but I really wanna get fucking. VII remake just so I can see Reno even though Reno is the stupid fuck who takes a whole sector of a city and just. Drops it on another fucking sector oF A CITY.

I feel like Reno wears that title proudly. I almost typed tittie.

he does- S TU. IS JUTN. FUC KF.

bye isa.

IMD VHC. HE ELP.

Sometimes I can still hear his voice.

V IOLENT CO UGHING.

Wind sure is loud today.

w o w.

I WANT TO ADOPT ALL OF THE MOOGLES.

I wanna be a sky pirate.

Lavi, I can't believe you're calling Reno out.

Let Reno have the tittie of bitch.

The tittie of bitch? Really?

I CHOKED ON MY FUCKING CHILI.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

TRAITOR.

Vayne's a dick and he can go choke on it.

Larsa <3

Larsagna

*chants* SANDSEA SANDSEA SANDSEA

*chants louder* SANDSEA SANDSEA SANDSEA SANDSEA

RIP Bianca. I... almost typed Pianca. Today is a weird day for me. Fingers having a bad day. I ALMOST TYPED FINDERS. I give up.

Finders do have bad days.

My fingers are dyslexic pass it on. Calling u stupid bone sausages out.

Doug is a prime example of finders with bad days-- especially when he makes deals with the D.Gray-Devil.

DID YOU ACTUALLY ALMOST MISPELL MY /NAME/, KIT? AND did you actually mispell my name on purpose Isa, how dare.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. TOOOOOOOOOTTALLLYYYY not.

Yes.

NO. I'M SORRY. FORGIVE ME. HAVE MERCY.

No mercy.

I dunno, Isa, should I forgive you? Should I? Should I...?

Y e s. You should forgive me.

Nah.

I'm an angel, remember?

Nop.

Ye.

Angels don't talk about eiffel tower dic

besides the eiffel tower incident-- I. I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Also where tf is Hige.

Dead. I died.

u creepin u creepe-- oh there u are.

Yesterday I died~

n o p e.

Tomorrow's bleedin~

GET OUT.

And take ur pain with u >: (

t a k e s m y p a i n w i t h m e.

kIT KICKED ME OUTTTT. HE'S A MEANIEEEE.

nYEH @ KIT.

tfw you have too many muses. Shoves sheryl and the millenium b i tch out.

SANDSEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

#AESTHETIC

There's this one rare game you get by chaining 100 urutan yensa. I'm not doing that.

That's a lotta yensa.

Bye Vaan. Have a nice sleep out in the middle of the desert.

Yeah, I ditched him. I don't even care if he's asleep. I ditched him.

[leighon]

55.

With every step Leon took, his feet seemed to drag heavier and heavier. It was like he was wading through cement, heavy on his feet and over his shoulders. Christ, he thought, eyes fixated at the ground. Moving out was supposed to make things better. And yeah, things are. For the most part. But why do I still feel so…heavy? Is it because the last thing Mom said to me was “you selfish bastard, if you want to leave so bad then fucking go”? With half my shit on the lawn? Is it because I have my own room, but I’m in a sleeping bag?

What is it? Why do I still just want to fucking sleep all the time…

He managed to lift his head up as he approached the house, and saw that all the lights were on. That’s one thing different about this place. Someone’s always around. Lifting his feet to climb the stairs was difficult, but manageable, and he could hear commotion from just outside the door. Wonder what the hell is going on…

With a deep breath, he opened the door, and the cacophony escalated. The hallway was lit with warm light, reaching into the kitchen and out to the far side of the living room at the very end. Music blasted from a radio in the kitchen, and the TV bubbled underneath it like a boiling pot. Noise, Leon thought as he shuffled off his torn sneakers. So much for going to bed early.

As soon as the door shut behind him, Zoe peered out from the kitchen. “Oh, Leon’s home!” she said, waving a wooden spoon in her hand. “You’re just in time! Dinner’s going to be ready in like…uh…”

She dashed back into the kitchen, and Leon followed. The stove was covered in pots, but she somehow managed to plop an egg timer right in the middle of things, twisting it before it started ticking away. She threw open the oven door, wafting hot air out of it, and shoved a casserole dish onto the top rack. “Twenty minutes!” she finished.

As she bounced back up, her purple flyaways fell in her face, and she blew them away triumphantly. Leon blinked. “Uh…’kay,” he mumbled.

Leigh sat on the counter beside the radio, kicking their feet against the cabinets below them. “We’re all having dinner together, in the dining room,” they clarified, tucking their hair behind their ear.

“That’s right! No excuses!” Zoe exclaimed. “This is a family night! See, Leigh’s been helping me--”

“Well, if you’d let me help you,” they contested, rolling their eyes. “You just kept saying ‘no, I got it’--”

“See, but you are going to help!” Zoe whirled and pointed the wooden spoon at them, before placing it on their lap. “You’re gonna do the dishes.”

“What? Now? Fuck, I don’t want to…” They huffed and tossed the spoon into an already overflowing sink. “Can’t Ray do it? I stayed extra at work to pick up the shit you needed.”

A faint voice called from down the hall that turned everyone’s head. “Whatever it is you’re going to try and make me do, I’m not going to do it,” Ray said.

“Damn it!” Leigh hissed.

Zoe chuckled. “That’s some fucking expert sibling senses there,” she said, patting Leigh’s shoulder. “Sorry, kiddo. It’s on you.”

They pushed themselves off the counter and smoothed down their shirt, a loose, pastel pink t-shirt. Pink flower to match it too, Leon thought idly. They’re always wearing flowers… “W-well, I can set the table--”

“I’m setting the table~!” Clover darted into the kitchen, nearly knocking Leon over with her momentum. She whirled around and touched his shoulder lightly. “Oops, sorry! Hey there, what’s up? Did you just get home?”

Leon flinched from the touch, but tried to mask it by shoving his hands into his back pockets. “Y-yeah,” he managed. Everyone’s so friendly and touchy around here. I feel wicked out of place sometimes.

If he looked uncomfortable, Clover didn’t notice, bouncing to the cupboards above the sink. “Let’s see, five plates…or bowls?” she asked.

“Bowls,” Zoe said. “You’re chipper today.”

“Just turned in a term paper! It’s out of my hands! I’m free!” She balanced a stack of bowls in one arm, while Leigh reached out to give her a high five. She managed with a hearty smack, then pulled open the drawer below for silverware. “For now.”

“Honey, I don’t think you’ll ever be free at the rate you work,” Zoe commented, then spared a glance at Leon. “Hey, champ, why don’t you give her a hand and set up some glasses? Same cupboard.”

Leon nodded without a sound and moved on autopilot. Champ, he thought, gathering five glasses in his arms. There wasn’t a single matching glass in the cupboard, so he assembled ones of similar sizes and cradled them out of the kitchen back into the hallway. I haven’t been called “champ” since…like, third grade.

The dining room was diagonally across the hall from the kitchen, where the dining room table was beginning to take shape--two places set on each side, and one at the head of the table. Clover organized the bowls and silverware carefully, making sure everything was aligned on the worn, fabric placemats. “You work right? You’re not going to school,” Clover asked.

This lady asks ten questions per second. “Yeah,” Leon answered, trying to match her meticulous placing with the glasses. Not going to school anymore. I’ve got my own place to pay for, like I have time for school…like I ever cared anyway.

(”Leon! You have to graduate! You have to!” Chelsea yanked on his jacket in the parking lot. “What are you gonna do if you don’t?”

Leon didn’t look at her. “What I’ve been doing,” he muttered. “Don’t need a fucking degree to work at a record store.”

“Jesus Christ, you don’t want to work there all your life, do you?” she huffed. “I mean, don’t you want to…go places? Don’t you have dreams?”

His chest suddenly felt hollow, the smoke from his cigarette lilting in front of his face. “No.”)

Leon spotted Clover staring at him from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t further engage her, instead heading straight back into the kitchen with his head down. “What are we, uh…” Leon started. His sentence fizzled as he felt Zoe and Leigh’s eyes on him. “What are we drinking…”

At the sink, Leigh turned off the faucet and soaked their hands in the soapy water. “Uh…what do we have for juice? That’s not orange juice.” They stuck their tongue out.

Zoe opened the fridge. “Got some Arizona fruit punch,” she grunted, pulling out the gallon jug. “Hey Ray! What do you want!”

“For what?” he called from the living room.

“To drink!” she yelled back. “And come on out, we’re almost ready!”

The layer of noise from the TV ceased. I think I just want water, Leon thought, and meandered back to the dining room. He stopped short at the table. Shit, I don’t know where everyone’s sitting. Fuck.

Ray strode in behind him, pulling a shirt over his head. He automatically walked around and sat at the seat beside the head of the table, sighing. His short, dark hair seemed wet, artificially spiked on his head. Leon’s eyebrow twitched. What were you doing? There’s gotta be some reason why you’re not helping.

Ray caught this. “What?” he grumbled. “I mowed and weed-whacked the lawn.” He peered around Leon to get a view into the kitchen. “Yo, Leigh, I’ll put those away after.”

“As usual.” There was a sigh in their voice. “Thanks.”

Ray nodded and handed Leon back his glass. “Do you mind getting me a beer? Just the can’s all right.” He slouched in his seat. “And you can sit anywhere you want except the head of the table. That’s for Zoe.”

“Sure.” Leon grabbed his glass and one that was directly across from him to make his own, and spun back around. Okay. Don’t need this one. And I’ll get water from the tap.

Back in the kitchen, Leon had to reach over Leigh’s head to return the glass, brushing against his back. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Um, I…”

They glanced over their shoulder, blond hair turning with them. “Oh, do you want some water? Here, gimme a sec to make it cold…”

Leon found himself staying close as they ran the tap, as they took the glass from his hand to fill it up. In the meantime, he studied their face, their long nose dusted with freckles, their striking aquamarine eyes. Not something you see too often, he mused. Then again, gray eyes aren’t too common either. Mom doesn’t have ‘em, apparently my father didn’t either, but it’s somewhere from her side of the family--

“Here. There’s some ice in the freezer, if you want some.” Leigh pushed the glass back into Leon’s calloused palm, and he nearly fumbled it. He managed to keep a grip on it by the tips of his fingers, the nails chewed down. They smiled at him briefly before returning to scrubbing a pot. Ah.

He was nearly out of the kitchen before Leon remembered what he was sent there for. Right. Ray wants a beer. Back to the refrigerator, he pulled a can from the bottom shelf. “Oh, might as well get me one. I had to deal with some grade-A shit today,” Zoe commented.

Clover pattered back to grab the jug of juice while Leon took another can and tucked it under his arm. “I’ll have juice too!” she said. “I’ll just take this out…”

The egg timer rang just as Leon returned to the dining room. This is…new, he thought, placing the beer cans in their respective places and his water glass at his own setting. Well, not totally new. It’s like Christmas at Grandma’s, but…less formal. Somehow just as noisy. He stared down at his empty bowl, letting his focus wane. I wasn’t really hungry, but……here I am, I guess. I’m already here, I don’t think Zoe would let me escape.

“Okay, okay!” Zoe entered the dining room, armed with pot holders and her casserole dish, Leigh tagging along close behind. “Embrace the aroma of white American cuisine!”

“Mac and cheese?” Clover said, taking a seat next to Leon. The piping hot plate was filled to the brim with cheesy noodles, along with a layer of shredded cheese and breadcrumbs. “I should’ve known…”

“Straight off the Velveeta box,” Zoe stated proudly, but stuck her tongue out at the same time. “I am no chef, folks, but this is gonna taste better than you think, I promise.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Leigh said. They took a seat next to their brother, still in clear sight of Leon. They immediately reached over and poured themself the pink juice at the center of the table. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“Yes! See, they get it,” Zoe confirmed. She twirled a spatula in her hand once before jamming it straight into the middle of the casserole dish. “Help yourselves, but it’s gonna be hot.”

Ray took the spatula first, spooning himself out a steaming helping. Automatically, he passed it over to Leigh. “Looks good,” Ray muttered. “Thanks.”

“Yes, thanks for cooking, Zoe!” Clover exclaimed.

She beamed from her seat. “Sure thing,” she said, adjusting her glasses. “Family dinners are good every once in a while, huh?”

Leigh giggled as they blew on their first bite. “Yeah, some family we are,” they remarked.

Family, Leon thought as he was passed the spatula from Clover. They’ve got a point. Thought that was just for people who were related…like Leigh and Ray…

“So, how was everyone’s day?” Zoe asked. “Who wants to start?”

She glanced pointedly at Ray, who had his mouth full, and intended to keep it that way. Leigh, however, was eager to pick up the slack. “Me!” they said. “Well…kinda boring, actually. Just…work, y’know. I was stocking all day…”

Leon let the conversation wash over him as he passed over the spatula and picked at the noodles on his plate. After a moment, he decided to actually eat one. It isn’t bad, he thought, chewing slow. Better than a box mix by a long shot.

(”Joey!” his mother shouted. “You left your dishes in the sink! Christ, if you’re going to cook, clean up after yourself!”

Jostled awake, he stared wide eyed at the sheets, body tense. “Joey? Joey! Get out here and clean this up! Now!”

The clock beside him read 11:24 PM. Moonlight filtered through his window. His heartbeat mimicked her pounding footsteps down the hall, and her beating on his door. “Joseph Lionel! For fuck’s sake…”)

“Leon?”

He shook his head and glanced up, dazed. Zoe had her head cocked in his direction, but as soon as his attention was garnered, she returned to her bowl. “Your turn.”

“Wh…what?” he said.

“Tell us how your day was.” She shoveled a mouthful of noodles in her mouth. “You know the routine.”

I don’t, actually, he thought, chewing his lip. Mom hasn’t asked me about my day in years. And then, she was barely around when I was, which nixed most interaction. Unless it was her yelling at me. Which she wouldn’t spare me on no matter when…oh, God damn it. He winced to himself. I’m not there anymore, I’m not there anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore.

I can breathe a little bit.

Which he did. He took a deep breath before he spoke again. “Nothing special,” he sighed. “Just…I dunno. Standing at a counter for six hours.”

“Yeah, that’s the life,” Zoe replied. “Dave’s your boss, just like Ray, right? Did that old stoner try to pass any weed off on you today?”

“Nope,” Leon replied. “Not today.” I can breathe. No one’s going to yell at me, or berate me, or call me Joey…

Zoe hissed. “Damn. I need to buy some more sometime.”

“Go buy it yourself,” Ray interjected. “I’m sure he’d be overjoyed at a customer…”

“Hey, so you won’t let us smoke in here, but you get stoned in the basement?” Leigh challenged, pointing their fork over at her. “What’s up with that?”

“My house, my rules,” she said. “Smoke in the basement doesn’t get upstairs. I don’t want this place smelling like an ashtray. Especially if my folks decide to haul their asses up from Florida to ‘check in’.”

Ray shook his head and raised his eyebrows. “Don’t jinx it,” he muttered.

“Trust me, I’m not trying to,” she replied. “Okay, I’ve got to tell you about this shitty tramp stamp I had to tattoo…”

Zoe continued to ramble, gesturing as she spoke. In the meantime, Leon scanned the table. Clover was eagerly listening, giggling in all the right places, while Ray was only half paying attention. Leigh seemed to be engrossed as well…until their eyes flickered over to meet Leon’s. He wasn’t quick enough to go unnoticed, and they winked at him in response with a small smirk.

Leon’s fork twitched in his hand, and he tried to resume eating. Even with the promise of moving out…I never expected I’d get anything like this. I didn’t know people lived like this. It’s…it’s all right. He found his eyes continually wandering back to Leigh. Better than I thought.

Laughter took over the table, and Leon found himself joining in with a small chuckle. Suddenly, his appetite came back to him, and he began to eat a little faster. Funny. I don’t feel so…heavy anymore.

Things are getting better. That’s good. That’s something…to keep looking forward to.