#i wrote this to cope but igs i’ll share

[mcondance]

cw creampie, period sex, bad ending

sighs… creampies from hobie.. thick loads of white cum… hobie breeding you deep as he can, cause he knows that’s rlly all you want right now. fucking his cum deep into you, fat tip leaking white against your cervix, your sore thighs pressed up against his heated chest, legs thrown over his shoulders, your hands thrown around his neck. his hand caressing your hair as he makes sure to rut against you, makes sure you feel every drag of his cock against your sensitive walls, makes sure you feel the base of him slide against your achy entrance, makes sure he ruts his hips against your achy vulva, your lower bodies a mess of cum and blood.

“i know, love, i know. i’ll make it feel better, swear.” and he does, grinding his dick into you until all you feel is white hot pleasure, pulses of ecstasy streaming through you. hands moving from your hair, he swipes his thumb over your puffy clit, pushing his hips into you firm and deep, coasting you into another orgasm that you hit with a gritted moan, head thrown back into the pillows, shaking and trembling in his grasp.

“cum in me, please hobie, i need it.” you almost cry, pulling him closer like he’s not already on top of you, like he hasn’t already filled you up once. he lets you, nodding against your lips, seating himself as deep as he can. slurring, “i got you baby,” he cums pressed against your cervix, fulfilling everything you needed from him. he kisses you as you both come down, lowering your legs to the side of him, gentle lips moving softly against yours.

[polar-stars]

1-35 !!!

o.O Well you aren’t kidding around...! But thanks, that gives me something to do at least ahdhd

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

3, maybe?

I’ve seen improvement from my fanfic-beginnings for sure, but there’s still a lot of things I can improve on I believe. 

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

I’ve held a fascination with writing ever since primary school. We were given a couple creative writing tasks back then and I actually got a lot of praise for my stuff ;v; So writing an actual book someday as actually always been a dream of mine. 

I did not really write much fanfic before entering the Shokugeki-fandom, being real. But I suppose I got into it for multiple reasons: manifesting my ships (MarYu is a lot more common these days, but it was nowhere when I first entered the fandom, lol. And I don’t think I have to tell you about how much content for EtsuNe there was before I began making it), giving the OCs I came up with a story, playing around with AU ideas & later on: giving the character I’ve come to love so much more love and justice than the canon gave them.

It’s a lot of fun being real! I’m glad I started it. And it’s honestly cool to see the improvements I made from the first “Shokugeki no Kimiko” chapter to the most recent one ;v; !

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

eeeeeehhhh, oh dear...

I really don’t know...possibly a little sense of naivety maybe? I’m-

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Within the Shokugeki-fandom  @wishingforatypewriter & @hanzome-hasashi. 

I really love wishingforatypewriter’s exploration of the characters, Totsuki, the families and so on and so on. I still remember the days when I would read updates of “The Third Year” in the school-corridor, waiting for my first lesson to start! Good memories!

With hanzome-hasashi, I really love the atmosphere in her story and I hold both “Late Night Lullabies” & “Akai Ito” very dear. LNL is so fluffy and romantic and !!! ahh, it’s all the things I love. Meanwhile Akai Ito, is just....so enchanting and captivating...In different manner than LNL, but still so, so, so good!

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

It’s not finished yet...It’s not even close to being finished yet, but...”Shokugeki no Kimiko” ;v; 

It will actually have it’s 5-year anniversary this year and that’s such an incredible number to me! I’ve never been able to commit to a story this long before and it just feels good, because I am really excited for so many things that are yet to come!

I really like the characters I came up with and I’m very happy to see they’ve been well-received by others as well. I tinkered on it so long and I think there’s some stuff I did very well on, to be perfectly honest. 

This story is also what gave me some confidence that I might someday truly be able to fulfill my dream and write a book. It has overall received a lot of compliments and such a good response, that I’m stunned. 

-

For finished works, I’d have to say “Waiting for the rain to stop”.

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

I think I have a good pacing! (And I’ve been told so as well)

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

Detailed descriptions. 

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

For Shokugeki, I think I’d have to say Nene Kinokuni.

9 & 10, I answered already

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

My OCs & my romantic fantasies, I’d say adhfhg 

Though, lately...I do have a coping fic going on, that I started in late 2019, I believe and that I occasionally work on when I’m not feeling too well...It’s a story about change, as I am one of those kind off people who have a hard time dealing with changes. 

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

For one, I really like the beginning of the previously mentioned Coping-Fic. I’d show it, but ahdhd it’s in German. Because I write this thing in German...

Another couple things I’m excited for it so finally add onto the Shokugeki Next Gen One Shot collection! A lot of people have been asking me about Shigeo’s and Chieko’s first meeting and yes, I’ll try to work on it as soon as I can!

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Attack on Titan, I wrote one or two things in German...I believe.

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for?

Lol

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

Also Shokugeki maybe? Because it’s so small ahdhd? 

16, I’ve answered already

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

I can’t see myself writing a fic with an unhappy ending...But I mean? Maybe I’ll surprise myself.

Besides that, I don’t think I’ll ever tackle truly harsh, dark topics either. I don’t feel occupied for that. 

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

Most stuff I wrote when I first entered the fandom ahdhd

The most weirdest thing was an AU that’s basically a role reversal of Rebels vs. Central but it is also in space, in a Star Wars inspired AU ashdod 

I really don’t know ahsdhd

19, I answered already

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff?

Shippy stuff. 

100%

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

Romance-wise, my faves would be EtsuNe, MarYu (no one is surprised) & AkiSako. 

For my OCs it’s ShigeChi (no one is surprised, Pt.2)...aka. Shigeo Eizan & Chieko Marui. 

My favorite platonic relationship to write for would be Shun and Zenji I think, in terms of my OCs it’s definitely Suzume Hojo and Shigeo. Because they greatly amuse me and ngl, their basic dynamic is a little akin to the dynamic between me and my best friend. 

22. Do you listen to anything while you write?

I do! I have an extra playlist for when I write anything SnKimiko-related & it’s full of a variety of genres, haha. 

At times I also listen to Jazz or Lofi when writing though.

But yeah ultimately music really inspires me. There have been songs that painted entire scenarios in my head & song lyrics might end up being chapter titles in SnKimiko at some points ahdhd (watch out)

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

Independent ideas, I tend to struggle with prompts...but they can be fun at times!

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

I like both hdd

But for a slow turtle like me, multi-chaptered works can be a struggle...! If I was a little bit faster, I could have brought down so many ideas already.

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Well, I already do have a spin-off & a One Shot collection with side adventures for SnKimiko! 

But well...The Coping-Fanfic would also play in SnKimiko-Verse.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

A prequel fic to SnKimiko that showcases the future parents getting together :,))) If I made the Coping-Fic a multi-chapter thing...that could be it...

but ah, I’m still so unsure about it. I feel I’m just too inexperienced and naive to tell a compelling story in that regard given that I have no actual romantic relationship experience, haha. 

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

So many, hnnn

A very recent review highlighted how they’re enjoying the conflict of Hiraku & Kimiko and how they think it’s fascinating how both of them differ from Soma and each other as well....And ah, that just kind off made me super happy to read :,)))

I also received a couple reviews of people who said they usually don’t read Oc-centric fanfic but they liked mine and that also got me all :,)))))))))

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing?

When it’s not given to be in disrespectful manner, I’m willing to hear it out. 

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

Yeah, I wrote an Unrequited Love One Shot once. 

It wrecked my heart in half and I cried for the rest of the evening.

Okay, but beside that...”Spoonful of Affection” and some other One Shots, I probably haven’t even shared on here, has some stuff where I tried out “new things” ig. 

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

sahdhfJGJGG

God, tooth-rotting fluff...please! I want to indulge into sappy, romantic scenarios all the time.

Angst wrecks me ahdh. I don’t write Angst to wreck others, I write it to wreck myself. The one time I wrote something very heavily angsty, it ended in me crying on my bed while listening to Toni Braxton’s “Un-Break my heart” on loop.

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

✨ I have too many ✨

But they have their own blog ✨😌: @shokugekinokimiko

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less.

“Shokugeki no Hiraku” - Chaos, Parties, Social Clash, Mean Girls, Underdog, School Tournament, Yearning

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

I write mainly on my mobile. 

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

“Schlagartig ��nderte sich Hisako’s Leben als sie die Sonne ihres Lebens das erste Mal traf.

Schlagartig änderte sich Hisako’s Leben als die Sonne dann plötzlich verschwand und Hisako’s Universum, stets ausgerichtet auf das strahlende Licht namens Erina seit jenem schicksalhaften Tag, kollabierte.” I’m sorry, but it’s really the best I can offer rn ahdhd

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

I literally love fanfiction so much and we have quite some talent in this smol fandom, no one can convince me otherwise. 

I’ve run out of words, I’m sorry.

But you...you reading this!!!

You’re amazing 💕✨

[sarinataylor]

Joger ask: how would they cope with Roger having a crisis about the fact that John has written hit singles including their biggest ever hit and he has yet to pop his a-aide cherry? Is he rubbish? Is he really just a pretty face? He knows he brings lots of musical input & the sonic volcano & ‘the girl for everything’ for the band but really, who is he kidding? And John can’t deny that he aced his degree or does the finances or wrote hits... Thankfully Radio Gaga comes along and all ends well...

hmmmm ok. this got? long. very ramble-y. apologies

so like. roger is so fucking proud of john y’know???? and it’s not john’s songs being more successful than his which is cutting deep (because, well, commercial success is somewhat ehh to roger now that they’ve already made it big. the music he’s writing and creating, off on the side, is more about the music than anything else), it’s that he didn’t see it coming

100% did not see aobtd being a hit. hated recording it with his drums taped up, and thought the whole thing was a waste of time which.... it obviously wasn’t because john’s latest royalty cheque was big enough to have even freddie blinking in surprise

and. well. roger’s kind of always been the one with his finger on the pulse, so to speak. roger was riding the early waves of punk before the sex pistols had so much as looked at a safety pin and thought, “hmm, i wonder”. and his ability to keep up with, stay just one step ahead, of the trends has been invaluable in the past and now.... he might be slipping behind?

because even though he fucking hated half of the lines in ymbf he... he knew it was going to be a hit in the US. that sort of soft poppy feel, with a funky little bassline? the american’s eat that shit up in spades. of course it was going to be popular.

but, yeah, he didn’t see aobtd being a hit and now he’s starting to wonder if maybe the reason he isn’t writing hits isn’t because he hasn’t been trying to appeal to the broader audience, hasn’t been trying to write songs that will get massive air time or be played in clubs, but because he’s got no fucking clue about what people want anymore

‘girl for everything.......... except knowing what people want’ doesn’t, uh, sound as good

and it’s not? it’s not a Big Deal, not really. he just gets a little quieter about voicing his opinions on tracks because, well, maybe he doesn’t actually know what the fuck he’s talking about?

and so, hot space

brian’s losing his gd mind arguing with everyone and everything because he feels backed into a corner, freddie isn’t playing the peacekeeping role he usually does, john is being Just a Little Bit of an egotistic shit, and roger is........... not getting involved. which works kind of awfully because both brian and john take his silence as tacit approval of their position, which boils over into a lot of misunderstandings about just what it is roger thinks about what’s going on in the studio

(and mostly what roger thinks about what’s going on in the studio is that this album is going to be a Fucking Disaster because instead of ripping apart one anothers songs and building them back up stronger all they’re doing is ripping into one another and calling it creative differences)

and he tosses up a couple of songs and lets them do what they will with them (and oh my god if you haven’t listened to action this day performed live???? do urself a favour and do it oh my god i fucking hated that song until i listened to it live) because well. they probably know better than he does at the moment, because he doesn’t quite trust himself. and tensions are high enough that inserting himself into the cockfight when he isn’t actually Sure about his opinions just seems an unnecessary risk.

and. uh. hot space...................................................... does as it does

and john is pretty mortified about the whole thing because.... ???? all of that work and fighting and it’s flopping which is. made all the more worse by brian’s oh too casual sympathetic comments during the press junket, and then even worse by the way that roger. doesn’t seem surprised?? because. well. even when it was a love song written about roger roger was honest about what he didn’t like about it, but now there’s a whole fucking album that john pushed really hard for and roger a) didn’t like it and b) didn’t tell him

he thought they respected one another more than that. he thought they were more secure than that. 

which sort of........ simmers uncomfortably between them as they gear up for the tour and sort of. explodes when roger starts making suggestions for changes to some of the songs for the live performances that. annoyingly sound much better and why didn’t you bring this up when we were recording the fucking album, roger (look aight atd sounds SO MUCH BETTER LIVE, IT’S BEEN MONTHS AND IM STILL SHOOK)

and roger’s sort pussyfooting around it because oh well... you know you and freddie really wanted to this one as a sort of concept album..... and brian and i didn’t want to interfere...... (brian: very much did want to interfere) ............ so ya know................ it’s not really my style so i didn’t wanna stick my foot where it doesn’t belong.........

and john’s like???? its music what the fuck are you Talking About? you know music you know what sounds good and what doesnt and it’s not like you’ve ever been shy about voicing your opinions before, so forgive me if im a bit confused about the sudden reticence 

regardless, it’s Not a Big Deal. no really. roger will insist this til the day he dies

and things calm down? they take a break and, as they are wont to do, the tensions of the band slowly start slipping from john and roger’s day to day lives? like, when they’re not living in close quarters and feeding off of the energies that brian and freddie and mack and everyone else is putting out. it’s just them, yeah? 

but anyway, roger’s still been writing music and ha enough for a new solo album so he’s like. yeah. think imma do that and john’s a bit taken aback because? fuck, you’ve been busy then you said you didn’t have much of anything for hot space??? and roger’s like. uh, yup. been busy. busy bee, me. ya know. while ur out painting the shed i gotta keep myself occupied somehow

except. well. john’s obviously lending a hand with bass and mixing, and brian’s in and out too, so’s freddie and. it’s freddie, actually, who picks up that roger had been working on the beat of  I Cry for You (Love, Hope and Confusion) back in the studio when they’d been working on hot space which.   doesn’t make sense, because he definitely hadn’t shown them it to them which is odd, because roger usually shows them everything he writes in case they want it for queen? 

and then brian chimes in because, actually, he recognises the lyrics for killing time? 

and john is like what the FUCK is going on because this is just? weird? 

so john ends up lowkey cornering him at home in a totally not cool sneaky fashion (read: he gives him a fucking mindblowing orgasm and then is like [head propped on roger’s chest] SO)  because???? ofc he supports rog’s solo career but also? why didn’t he share what he was writing with him? what’s going on? music’s always been a language they’ve shared, even if they tended towards different dialects, and now it... well it doesn’t feel very good that roger seems to be inching him out of something that john knows is so very important to him

and roger’s like huh no idea what you’re talking bout. been really busy writing recently. shame though, means i might not have much for the next queen album

and john’s like? do you want to leave queen, if that what this is about?

and roger’s horrified because what the fuck no i’m just not sure i’ll have much to contribute is all which has john like?? because. it’s roger of course he’s got something to contribute what the fuck are you talking about

but roger’s like oh well ya know nothing im really writing at the moment is much of our current style so. that’s cool, though. that’s fine

but john is confused bc well. hot space was a bit of a failure so they’re probably headed back to more consistent waters so that’s not a problem, and hey, maybe if roger had injected a bit more of his style into the album things might have been better right?

ANYWAY basically john’s like yo my man like. if u dont wanna write any material for the new album that’s? fine ig? but we kinda Need You to be a little bitch about the things u dont like because.... things work better when ur being a nitpicky little bitch than when ur being silently supportive of me :) though that was sweet

and rogers like oh i was 100% not being supportive of either u or brian’s bullshit tbh i just. disco isn’t my forte ya know i didn’t wanna chat shit ab smth i know nothing about like, god, imagine if you’d listened to me about aobtd????????? 

which. john’s like. i? i mean, i did. fuck sake, the whole thing got rewritten to be about our dog (steve) bc u made a joke about it? i.     i did listen to u about aobtd

and john has honestly NO IDEA what any of this is about? because roger has an awful tendency to sit on things until they’re Much Bigger than what they were to begin with. like, john’s actually not great at that? he’s not very good at hiding that he’s angry or upset, not for the long term. roger’s a lot better at it in the worst kind of way, because unless you pick up on it right at the beginning by the time you’ve figured out something’s wrong it’s months down the track and so many micro interactions or events have been tacked onto the Original Problem that it’s a sprawling mess of “i dont want to communicate that im feeling vulnerable about something so instead im gonna try and turn my vulnerabilities into armour” - like deciding to turn all of your writing, not just the stuff that won’t fit on your main project’s albums, into solo material because your solo stuff doesn’t have to be successful 

but also, ok fine. 

and so he sort of? lets it go? because tbh once roger latches onto something, when u havent go in there early enough? your best bet is to just wait for him to.... get over it. which he generally does. he doesnt have the patience for decade long grudge matches, not really.

and then it all comes to a head when brian writes and shows them all machines (or: back to humans) which obvs came about from an idea of roger’s and. well. freddie thinks its amazing, john is nodding along even as he sends him small little side eyes and well. fuck it, right?

and so the next week he comes in and slams down the first rough draft of radio gaga, the music heavily influenced by I Cry for You (Love, Hope and Confusion) which freddie had been complaining about being used up on a solo album 

and then he goes home and tops the hell out of john, the end.

[timothee-soft-boy]

Airport Selfie Drabble

I did a thing, because his beauty is inspiring!

I’ve been delayed before, many times, but never on the way to a talk show appearance. I am going to miss out on something good if this shit doesn’t sort itself out. This isn’t just a minor annoyance or a few hours of fun I’m missing out on, like back in the day. My career is picking up steam and Brian tells me how important the talk show appearances are, frequently. Feeling on edge, I know all I can do is distract myself. Looking through my phone and bag, I find a few things to catch my attention, but not for long. My mind keeps going back to all the what if’s. Running out of things to watch, songs to listen to, books to crack open, I realize that I’m anxious and bored. What a dreadful combination of feelings. I send out a couple messages trying to catch up with friends and family. No one is responding to my texts and DMs, which is weird. I guess everyone is hunkered down for the storm and I’m on my own. Restlessness doesn’t begin to explain how I start to feel.

Then it comes to me. I could entertain myself with comments on my story. It’s been ages since I posted a selfie. Having a duh moment, I realize that the fans are always there to engage me. They can help me cope, if all else fails. I don’t want to abuse my social media platforms, but I guess this is as good a reason as any to use it. Everyone else uses SM for attention too. I can be allowed to do so once in a while.

The selfie doesn’t have to be perfect, so I snap one and judge it as good enough. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to convey with this. Nothing at all, I suppose, just pay attention to me. Just another mindless pic for a mindless app. Uploading the selfie, I take a deep breath waiting for the first message to roll in.

Here they come. Everyone saying I’m hot, sexy, damn boy, etc. The usual fare. Then to my great surprise I see a familiar name. It’s Armie. He commented: Remembering the old days of us being stuck in the airport together. You look good, kid.

Wow. I’m blown away. I expected something a little more biting or sarcastic about selfie culture or self-promotion. He thinks I look good? I mean, I guess so, for sitting in the airport for hours in a hoodie. Then I fall into my memories of the old days too. And one memory in particular jolts me and I decide I need some privacy. Making my way to the restroom, I go to the farthest stall from the door in hopes I don’t get disturbed. Before I close the door I’m already hard. That’s what he does to me. One minute going about my business, then next having an inescapable urge to touch myself.

The restroom is clean, thank goodness. I unzip my pants and suck in a quick breath after my hand makes contact with my cock. My touch feels like a relief to the intense pressure I feel. I rest my hand against the wall and lay my head there and start stroking as slowly as I can manage. I don’t want to rush this.

On the way back from wrapping CMBYN, it was just the two of us. Armie was making a connecting flight at La Guardia and I was going home. There were so many emotions running through my head about leaving him, that I was anxious, obviously nervous. He could tell. I think he was too, because he knew it would be weeks, maybe months, before we saw each other again. As we departed the plane he turned to me, put his hand on my shoulder and lowered his lips to my ear. “Meet me in the bathroom in 5 minutes. I’ll go in first and be in the farthest stall from the door,” he whispered. I pulled back with wide eyes and looked into his. He nodded at me and I couldn’t help but nod back, gulping down the fear that came with the proposition. We were always careful not to get caught, up until this point. Public sex in an airport? I guess the doors go down to the floor, so as long as we were quiet, maybe we could pull this off.

I did as I was told and waited the 5 minutes. Finding him in the last stall, I looked around. No one was watching, so I lightly knocked on the door. He cracked it open and pulled me in by grabbing my shirt in his fist. He pulled me close wrapping his arms tightly around my back and kissed me hard, shoving his tongue into my mouth. I felt my cock immediately harden and strain against my jeans. My heart was racing, knowing that this was incredibly risky for both of us. The kiss was powerful and sensual at the same time.

Armie pulled back and then leaned into my ear again. “I’m going to blow you and you need to be as quiet as possible. Put your hand over your mouth, okay? Bite down on your forearm if you have to. But be quiet.”

I did as told again and put my palm over my mouth. Armie looked down on me and shoved me into the stall door. My weight making a thump as I made contact with it. With my hips jutting forward. Armie leaned down and then dropped to his knees. He looked up in my eyes as he unzipped my pants and pulled them down with my underwear in one fell swoop. I had to stifle my first moan when his mouth made contact with the head of my cock, his hands firmly gripping my ass. Breathing deeply, I began to shudder as he took the rest of me into his mouth. His mouth worked skillfully, expertly as he slid up and down the length of me. With my free hand, I grabbed a fistful of his hair and made my way deeper into his mouth, reaching the back of his throat. Armie gagged and it was a beautiful noise. He pulled back and looked up at me with a few tears streaming from the corners of his eyes. I wanted to pull him to his feet and kiss him, wiping away the tears, but he was too quick and went back to work. I wanted to cry out, show him how much I loved the pleasure he was giving me, but all I could do was take deep breaths as I continued shuddering. Being unable to help myself, I started saying fuck over and over into my muffled hand. Armie was obviously disturbed by this and he dug his fingernails into my ass cheeks. My body tensed at the pain and I reached my other hand up, now holding both against my mouth. I was on the edge of losing it completely, but then my orgasm came and I spilled into his mouth with such force I thought I might faint. My legs were weak, but he had me. He always had me. Getting up from the ground, he managed to hold me the entire way, never letting go. He moved his hands from my ass to a tight grip of my back. Looking down into my eyes he asked, “You still nervous?” A smile spread across my face. “How could I be after that?” He smirked and landed a tender kiss on my lips. “I thought you needed some calming down and I wanted to help.” He spent a few moments kissing my forehead, face and neck before looking in my eyes again. “Thank you, Armie. No one makes me feel the way you do.” He responded sweetly, “I know babe, I feel the same way about you. I hate to say it, but we should go before we get caught. You leave first. And until we meet again...” He kissed me one last time and I had to go. I made myself move with the reassurance that I would see him again and we would have the press tour to reconnect. A bittersweet goodbye.

Walking myself through that memory was so sensual and warm. My slow stroking got me through to the end of recalling every detail and I was so transported I forgot where I was and came all over the bathroom wall. Before wiping it up, I snapped a picture of the cum. Nasty, I know. But I thought Armie might appreciate it. Sending him the pic in an encrypted email to his private address, just to be safe. I pulled up IG to respond to his comment. I wrote: Thanks, Armie. I just thought about our airport adventures too. Check your email.

I waited, feeling a little nervous about what I’d done. Seconding guessing if that was even appropriate. I got a reply to the email: I miss you, dirty boy.

Laughing to myself, I think: mission accomplished. I’m not nervous or bored anymore. I’m just calm and happy knowing that Armie and I have a lifetime more of memories to make.

_______

Please repost and share the love! 🤗

@inthemid80s @maraskolnikova @beige-honey @shellgoes211 @shes-gone-rogue @bitchstolemyvapepen @raquelsantos92 @isitandwonder @whatitis-inside @foryou-insilence @tequilatuesdays4all @xiavttini

[astorytellerforthatgirl]

Who is Maine Mendoza for this Storyteller?

Maine is just a simple celebrity for me as I watched her first in July of 2015. Few months after that, I started venturing in my inconsistent freelance career. I’m a home-based content writer submitting my outputs through email or uploading in a Wordpress admin account. I’ll make sure at 12:00, I have to watch Eat Bulaga to have a glimpse of her. As the days passed by, I just find myself laughing and smiling at the slapstick comedy and funny antics of her silent character relying on Dubsmash.

I did not know it was a point of no return of my fangirling on Maine.

Being in a fandom is not new to me. I was an active UAAP vball fan before to the point I would even watch highschool vball games to know who are the prized bluechip recruits all UAAP teams want to have in their program. I made my Twitter account almost a decade ago to follow the Gosiengfiao sisters (Alodia and Ashley) to interact with them via tweets. Also, through Twitter and other socmed sites, I got to be in a fangroup of Pinay American Idol finalist Thia Megia and saw her in person. Through social media too, I met other fans of our Olympian Yan Lariba and met her in a friendly encounter.

I know the good side and also the bad side of fangirling. I’ve been into useless arguments with online trolls and I admit their words get to me…until I just learned to be indifferent and not mind it at all. Then here comes Maine. I was hesitant to be a vocal fan because of her immense popularity but again she just have that “something” in her that I want to root for.

I started profiling Maine like how I used to in the other celebrities I look up to her public accounts like Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Ask.fm and lastly her blog….

MAY BLOG SI MAINE!!!

MGA KAPITBAHAY MAY BLOG SI MAINE!!!

Yes, I was surprised to know she has a blog!! My writer heart is leaping with joy!! That was the conviction I told myself it would be easier to fangirl for her since writing is my core and passion.

I started following her and knowing more about her like how she is close to her family, the rumors she went to PBB Auditions, and her other past Youtube uploaded videos. But I was still a silent fan back then since I am clueless how to handle a barrage of comments from other fans once I begin to be vocal. I am happy as a silent fan until the inevitable thing happened…

Maine released her Open Letter in November 26, 2017.

Yes, I won’t forget how I cried after reading it and not enjoying the ice cream I am eating on a Sunday afternoon. I began to connect the dots. I wanted to hate some people and wish them to have double, triple the pains of whatever Maine felt. I do want to start expressing my support for her to prove there are still like me…”isa sa sampu” fans of Maine.

The problem though is I am still at a down moment by that time. I failed to handle the pressure of a teaching career. I love the kids inside the classroom but the paperworks overwhelmed me. Attendance, quizzes, understanding the lesson plan, submitting other requirement, etc---those did not fare good for me. I just realized I only want to be with the kids even if I am with them 6-7 hours straight, I don’t get tired at all. I found out I like to be a public speaker but I cannot cope up with the tremendous responsibilities of the teacher.

Being an overthinker, I felt I failed again not myself but my family and everyone who believed in me. I was down for months and clueless what to do next. I even think if there would still be a company or business owner who would take risk with me seeing my resume with months of no work as I rested after resigning from the teaching post.

I thought of how I am a burden again and have no direction in my career, whereas my batchmates might already be settling down with their partners, finishing their master’s degree, or exploring more of what they can do abroad. There I was, clueless and do not know again where to start. I am just thankful I have a supportive family and set of friends who waited until I got tired of being afraid and overthinking.

There were even days I wish I can just sleep forever and not wake up to those clueless and empty days again. I was also telling God that time I wish I was the one He took instead of my papa who passed away in 2007 due to an illness. Because my papa would be able to help my family instead of my inconsistency, fears, and overthinking. I was in that bargaining stage and I am too blinded, hurt, and tired to see my own worth and potential.

In those dark times, I would pray for a direction…for an enlightenment. Angels in the form of my friends and my family gave me words to fight back. It was enough to hold on….until I saw an excerpt from Maine’s book through an online article of cosmo.ph promoting her book:

“Things may go from bad to worse and you might feel like it’s never going to change, but believe me when I say it will get better. Everything will be all right, I promise you. We may have our own different battles, but remember there is only one God. He is always looking down on us wherever we go and whatever obstacle we face. You may currently be in a lot of pain, but you never know what God has in store for your future.

Marami pang magagandang bagay ang mangyayari sa buhay mo. Magtiwala ka. Kapit lang, laban lang.

P.S.  If you are looking for a sign on whether you should still hold on or give up, this is it. Hold on tight, my dear. Don't you ever give up; never ever give up. “

I cried and smiled after reading it. “Ikaw talaga Lord ha, si Maine pa pinadala Mo rin para sabihin kaya ko pa.” The darker those moments are for me, the brighter are all the Bearers of Light shone in my life. I begin to see more how my mama is patient with me, how my brothers would ask what do I want to eat or where do I want to go, friends who would tell me they will meet me anywhere I wish to be…and that excerpt from Maine’s book.

So I told myself: May laban pa ako. Isang subok pa.

It took me until January to gather all my guts. I started editing my resume. I came back to my freelancing career by looking for homebased jobs. It was also the time I just thought of blogging for Maine. I was still doubting if I am ready to be a vocal fan…but I know in my heart if God is telling me to do something even if I am still scared or doubtful of it.

I posted my first entry about Maine on this tumblr account. What comes next are series of unexpected blessings coming in my way…I did not look for them but the opportunities found me instead. Here are some of them:

(a)    Got a DM asking if I can write for Clairedelfinmedia.com after they read my blog about Maine and Nadine parallelisms

(b)   Got invited twice to Maine’s bday party by generous fans. First is when I told her she is a Bearer of Light and we are her 10th heartbeat in the #EnchantressMaine23. Second is when I co-host in the #DearMaine bday event.

(c)    An anonymous fan who works abroad gifted me a Microsoft Surface Tablet just because she is thankful for my support for Maine.

(d)   Meeting some fans who are as level-headed and as classy like Maine I felt I attended a business conference instead of a fan event.

(e)   Getting back on my feet again to find the direction in my career.

Also, I am grateful my mama is a silent fan of Maine. You see, I am already in my late 20s but she treats me like a pre-teen kid and I find it difficult to ask permission to go to different places and stay late. Kung pwede 6pm sa bahay na ako at may number si mama ng lahat ng kasama ko para mapanatag siya. So I was surprised it was easy for me to ask permission going to Maine’s bday event even if I come home late at evening. As my mama said, “May swerteng dala sayo si Maine, puntahan mo lang pag meron.”

Of course, going back to my freelance career is not as smooth as what I expected. Rejections and no follow-up interviews came, some would even ask me to stop writing for them and they would just pay me for the weeks I wrote, or I have already written an article then suddenly my contact person said the client forgot to ask for the specific writer and that isn’t me.  

It was still difficult but I am grateful to find this new courage, thanks to God’s constant faithfulness in my life and to all my Bearers of Light. In 2018 too, I found CCF, a Christian church whom I am comfortable with in sharing my flaws and mistakes. They focus more on God’s grace, justice, and mercy for everyone than other close-minded religious people or groups who condemn sinners.

Thanks to Maine too, I started to try new things which I still hesitated before. I remembered reading her IG post on her skydiving experience. She encouraged us to try things out even if we are still scared. In 2018, I tried acting workshop and auditioned in a production house for a voice-over artist. I even tried if I could be a female reporter in an FM station. Although these things haven’t yet prospered for me, I am happy to try it out and see what else I can try aside from writing.

At present, I invested in a copywriting module and joined an uplifting and supportive Filipino community of freelance copywriters in a Facebook group. I am determined to venture into copywriting because it is parallel to my passion in storytelling and writing. The process of improving myself excites me.  I am a homebased content writer (as of this time) who still have a lowpay rate but I am enjoying the flexibility of my time. Plus, the company I work for recently gave me incentives and gift certificates.

Going back to one of the dark times in my life and just want to give up, God sent His angels in different forms to remind me I still have to fulfill His purpose, His story, and His plans in my life. He intended to break my heart and dreams so He can form it with a new one. In those times, God chose Maine too to tell me I can and I will be able to do it with God’s help.

This is just a fraction of what Maine did for me. I am more than thankful and will always support her even in the future that she is a private citizen and enjoys that under-the-radar life away from the fame and attention of public.

Salamat talaga Maine sa lahat lahat! 

Bearer of Light, please keep on radiating! 

God rewarded your sacrifices and good heart.

Embrace the genuine happiness you have now.

[justgotham]

ERIN RICHARDS

Interviewed & Edited by: Jaimee Jakobczak, IG @ThisIsJaimee

Welsh actress Erin Richards is known for series like Breaking In and Misfits, but she’s perhaps best known for her role of Barbara Kean in Gotham. VULKAN caught up with Erin to discuss the series, her charitable endeavours and her upcoming projects.

Having played Barbara Kean now for a few years, what is one thing that surprises you about her character and keeps you intrigued?

Her constant development as a person. She’s gone from Jim Gordon’s waspy fiance in season one to running the criminal underworld in season four. To be able to play such a range in one show is incredibly rewarding and keeps the work fresh for me.

How do you think you would handle the stresses and pressures of life that Barbara has gone through as yourself?

Parts of it (like her murdering her parents) I would obviously not cope with but, her recent rise as a business woman in Gotham appeals to me. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of an entrepreneur. I had a lollipop business in school when I was 11 where I’d buy packets of 20 lollies for £2 and then sell them at £0.50 each, making me £8 per bag. The business did well but ultimately I was brought down by the green lollies. Nobody liked the green lollies. Damn those green lollies.

What’s one thing Barbara would do that you would never dream of doing?

Kill someone.

What has been the most challenging part about being Barbara Kean?

The most challenging part is not knowing fully where her story is going. On a film, you get to craft the journey your character takes because you have the whole picture, but with TV the story is always developing and being written so you can’t play a beginning middle and end in the same way. Over time that’s something I’ve gotten better at accepting and enjoying. Now rather than trying to control her journey I relax and play who she is in the moment.

Is there any particular type of training you hope that you will have a chance to work on going forward?

There’s been an interesting development this season where Barbara has acquired Aikido fighting skills so I’m currently doing lots of training for that. Though Aikido is a martial art it’s all about using someone’s strength against them which I find really satisfying. It means as a smaller fighter I can still beat larger, stronger people. It also help me ground, breathe and centre myself which is a lifelong discipline for me.

What kind of career do you think Barbara would be driven to if she decided to make a change in her life and become “good” again?

I reckon she’d make a cracking CEO. She’s got just the right amount of psychopath in her.

Do you think she would ever be able to heal from the actions she has done?

Babs is a pragmatist so though deep down she may not have ‘healed,’ she doesn’t see the point in wallowing in regret. That would only keep her from achieving her goals.

What is one thing you learned about yourself this year?

My lesson this year has been that I am enough. I can be pretty harsh on myself both in my personal and work life. I think a lot of people have a negative voice inside, that’s often dangerously subtle, telling them that they’re not good enough. I’ve been working on changing that voice to be my inner cheerleader. I’ve been doing the Artist’s Way (which is a great book for anyone wanting to be more creative) to further my writing and meditating and yoga-ing to connect to my inner playful joy.

How did your Sex Ed & Self Love course come about and what encouraged you to teach one?

I’ve always believed that sexual education is one of the most important things we can teach young people because it affects every part of our adult life. Combined with self love it can make the difference between us feeling alone and unworthy to feeling whole and unstoppable. If you teach a 12 year old girl that she’s completely in control of her body, that that body is perfectly formed and that she’s unconditionally loved (by herself) then there’s no limit to what she will achieve. In a time when porn is the go to place for young people to learn about sex and the President of the United States is ‘grabbing women by the pu**y’ and getting away with it, sex ed for young women, and more importantly young men, has never been more needed. Chris Chalk (fellow Gotham cast member) and I wrote the 12-week syllabus. He teaches the young men while I teach the young women and we hope to offer it to schools next year.

If you could give one piece of advice out to people today, what would you tell them?

Get off your phones. I’ve been researching a lot lately about how awful our phones are for us, paying particular attention to social media. We check our phones 150 times a day on average and spend at least 11 hours a week on social media sites. The reason for this is that they’re using the same addictive model as slot machines to keep us hooked. It’s called ‘Intermittent Variable Rewards’ which means when we sign into facebook or instagram sometimes we’ll have a message (we win) and sometimes we won’t (we lose.) Trystan Harris is a good person to look up to learn more about this but basically don’t let your phone control you, use it to expand your world instead.

What is one place you’d like to ring in the New Year at least once in your lifetime?

I’ve been lucky enough to spend New Year in Iceland which was incredible (they REALLY love fireworks) and Japan (not so keen on fireworks) but this year I’m excited to be spending it in my homeland, Wales, at a friends wedding.

Do you have any other projects upcoming that you can share with us so we can keep an eye for its release?

I’m working on a lot of my own things at the moment. I wrote and directed my first short this year so that will be coming out and I hope to do more writing and directing next year. I also have a film coming out with the much missed John Hurt called ‘That Good Night.’

Do you have any charities or organizations that you’d like to shed some light on today?

Next year I’m launching a clothing company called Onesies for Oneness – they’re very soft jumpsuits made from Bamboo and stitched in Austin, and proceeds from them go to this incredible charity in Malawi called Tiwale. The collective, set up by Ellen Chilemba, supports women who come together to build sustainable ventures and become entrepreneurs.

What is one thing you hope to improve upon or accomplish in 2018?

I’ve decided not to drink alcohol at all in 2018. It’s a little experiment I’m doing with myself because I’m perfectly happy without alcohol and I wonder how I’ll feel after a year of not drinking. I’ll let you know how that goes….

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Podcast: How to Make the Transition to Adulthood Easier



The transition from youth to adult is a difficult one for most people, filled with unexpected events and changes that we are ill-prepared for. Many find themselves seriously lacking not only the life skills needed, but also the psychological and emotional tools that would make this huge change easier. Our guest this week explains how we can use mindfulness to develop these tools and make adulting much less intimidating.

Subscribe to Our Show! And Remember to Review Us!

About Our Guest

Lara Fielding is a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, and an adjunct professor at Pepperdine Graduate School of Education and Psychology. She works to empower young adults to promote their mental health resilience. She guides her clients and students to identify what they truly care about, and teaches them the skills they need to manage the discomfort that comes along the way. She is the author of Mastering Adulthood: Go Beyond Adulting to Become an Emotional Grown-up, a first of its kind, multi-media, self-help book, with QR code-linked experiential skills practices.

www.mindful-mastery.com

IG: mindful_mastery

  ADULTING SHOW TRANSCRIPT (Computer-Generated)

Narrator 1: Welcome to the Psych Central show, where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health –  with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. Wales.

Gabe Howard: Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Vincent M. Wales. And today, Vince and I will be talking to Dr. Lara Fielding, a clinical psychologist who writes a very popular Psych Central blog aimed at helping millennials use mindfulness and self-care skills to promote their mental health and manage the stress of transitioning into adulthood. Lara, welcome to the show.

Lara Fielding: Oh thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited. I just love your show and can’t support the message of getting psychology and evidence based practices and the knowledge that we carry out to as many people as possible. So thank you for building the show and having me on it.

Vincent M. Wales: Happy to have you. And I want to say right off the bat that I wish your blog existed when I was young because I could have used that kind of guidance.

Lara Fielding: Thank you.

Gabe Howard: Vin, computers didn’t exist when you were young. They didn’t exist when I was young.

Vincent M. Wales: I know where you live. I will never visit. But I could mail something very bad to you.

Gabe Howard: That is, that is very fair. But you are right. There was not a lot of talk about transitioning into adulthood when we were younger. It was just sort of something that we were supposed to gather on our own.

Vincent M. Wales: Yes. Schools didn’t teach what we would call life skills.

Lara Fielding: Right?

Gabe Howard: I mean they had Home Ec…

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah but that was so limited to…

Lara Fielding: Sewing.

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: And depending on the school it could have been designed just for women. I mean it taught cooking and sewing. It didn’t teach me how to balance a checkbook. So Lara, our first question for you is what gave you the idea for this aside from the fact that it’s a very very good one?

Lara Fielding: Thank you. I’m glad you agree. It came twofold, from my own personal experience as well as from current life conditions that young people are growing up in. I actually started my adult teen adventures at 15 and when I took off on my own on the road I saw a lot of the people around me that I loved and cared for, in particular my sister, making choices or reacting to the stressors of the environment in ways that were not helpful. So judge them however you might be if they didn’t lead to good outcomes in their mental health and their overall life coping and success as an adult. And then I saw what was happening in our current road conditions as I call them in the road of adulting where, you know as you know, young people are coming of age in a time where everything they do is being observed. We know from a from a long history of psychological experiments that when we do something in the presence of others that we’re just learning how to do, we’re more likely to kind of mess it up. Whereas when we’re very good at something we do it in the presence of others then we’ll excel at it and get better at it. So they have heightened social comparison from the internet and digital access. They have higher hurdles to overcome than we did in our time. And just what was showing up in my office was not as I thought would show up. I thought I would see all these stories of trauma and difficulties growing up. What I saw with kids that supposedly should be doing OK really struggling and having a hard time. That’s when I started to delve in a little bit to what’s going on. And yes when I started the blog I said it was aimed at millennials but I think millennials are a little bit aging out now. It’s really just to anyone who is in that transition, either it’s going off to college or finishing up college and starting a new job or entering a marriage and family. It is all of those adulting, major adulting transitions that can create stress and challenge in our lives. And that’s why I wrote the book. I wrote the book because I couldn’t help the people I loved and I couldn’t help my sister and because I thought that these same challenges were sort of showing up for young people today.

Vincent M. Wales: We should probably clarify, since you mentioned all these young people that you’re associating with, Dr. Fielding is a an adjunct professor at Pepperdine Graduate School of Education &  Psychology, hence all of the young people in her life.

Lara Fielding: And in my also in my private practice. My private practice was located right next to UCLA. I was also supervising at the time at UCLA. So yes, I had a lot of referrals for college age or graduate school age. I was teaching the graduate school and I was seeing more college age in my private practice. Exactly.

Vincent M. Wales: Now you mentioned being surprised by some of the things that these young people were struggling with. Can you share like one or two of the biggies that you see all the time now?

Lara Fielding: Definitely. When I would start to explore with my clients well what what was going on and something familiar there with your family with your friends? What I would hear over and over again was that my parents like my best friends. I check in with them every single day. I can text them, I take them multiple times per day or are they’re on the phone with me and they walk me through everything. So that was one thing that I was curious about at first and what that signaled, what that parent interaction element signaled, was lowered distress tolerance. So we know a lot from the research that reassurance thinking is actually a symptom of a lot of diagnoses like obsessive compulsive disorder. But a lot of other ones, depression and anxiety, as well. And when parents are always there and again by proxy the cell phone and digital media is always there as a source of reassurance seeking, there becomes less opportunity for learned distress tolerance to see that you can sit with the discomfort and the wave will come and go. So that was one of the primary themes that started to show up. You know I also specialize in dialectical behavioral therapy which was developed for borderline personality disorder. Even with really difficult problems with emotion dysregulation, you can see that the environment that they grew up in or their programming as I call it isn’t necessarily from bad things happening. It’s just from the parents constantly trying to help them fix their difficult emotions or growing up. Even the schools actually were quite guilty of this when we had our self-esteem program that everyone got a trophy and no one was allowed to feel bad. And this isn’t just me, there’s a lot of data to back this up. So that’s sort of the theme that I’ve seen showing up. That doesn’t mean that a lot of people don’t experience a lot of difficulties with emotion regulation and transitioning into adulthood for more traditional reasons of difficulty in their upbringing. Does that answer the question?

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah it does. And it’s interesting because when you were talking about that, it just reminded me of another situation that we have in our society these days, which is parents who refused to expose their children to germs without realizing that they need to because that’s what develops your immune system.

Lara Fielding: Yes it’s exactly the same thing.

Gabe Howard: Lara thank you. I want to jump in on something that you said about you know nobody’s allowed to feel bad and everybody gets a trophy and everybody gets to feel like a winner. And on one hand it’s like how could that go wrong? How could everybody feeling like a winner go wrong? And the answer is because while everybody was learning how to win, nobody learned how to lose.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: And there is important and valuable lessons in losing. I’ll be the first to admit I hate to be wrong. I hate to lose. And I don’t like it when I don’t get my way. But thankfully I don’t always get my way. I can admit when I’m wrong and I know how to manage loss. And one of the most important skills for me, and I want you to talk on this because I know that you have great information about this, a loss isn’t just a loss – it’s also a learning experience, it’s an opportunity to gather data and get closer to “winning.” Can you speak on that for a moment?

Lara Fielding: Ok. There’s actually two things that come to mind regarding experiencing a loss. A loss is a message that needs tending to. Right. So if we pretend that it wasn’t a loss, then we lose the message there. I actually remember an interview after a political campaign where someone asked the Republican candidate what he learned from his loss. And I remember him saying, well nothing. From that day on, I was like really? Really? So yes we have to learn: a) you have a cognitive or a thinking change that happens we have a lot to learn. Oh that doesn’t work. Don’t try that again. But you also have the emotional part right? What most people don’t realize and the effort of my book is to teach that our emotions have a purpose and that purpose is important information about what – I mean, to be obvious -what you care deeply about. And what you care deeply about is the direction you want to build your life around. So if you get sort of very good or you’re raised in a way that avoids, suppresses, denies or otherwise minimizes your emotional experience related to those losses, then you’re really going to lose connection to that self, part of you that really does know why you’re on the planet and knows why you care about things beyond just the reasons other people tell us. So I would hope that directly answers your question. But those losses are not only important learned or cognitive lessons but their emotional practice and connection to what we care deeply about.

Gabe Howard: And of course if we don’t acknowledge that we lost, we can’t move forward. We go back to your politician analogy, it’s like what did you learn from your loss? And I would venture to guess that there is probably some larger story that that person would tell their friends and families about. Well I didn’t really lose, the third party candidates stole all my votes, voter turnout was very low. And I understand the desire to do this. I have to push those desires down as well. But when you don’t admit that you lost fair and square, you don’t know how to fix it.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: I think that there are many young people coming of age right now who, anytime they mess up, somebody else fixes it for them. And of course the danger in that is all of the people who are fixing it for them? See, they learned how to fix it. And now they’re not passing that onto the next generation. Now I don’t want to turn this into like a bashing session on how all parents are hobbling their children, because that’s not fair either. So let’s change the focus to when you see your child -because most of our listeners are going to really relate to the parent aspect of this – when you see your child failing and they’re sad and they’re upset and every fiber of your being is saying run in there and fix it, what’s the benefit in sitting back and saying you know what I’m going to sit this one out?

Lara Fielding: I might not even say that might be an all or nothing right. Say I’m going to go in there and fix it versus I’m out. And I love that you ask that question because it’s so important because really the message of being effective with our emotional experience, being nuanced, being flexible is one of interest that so between us so a parent and a child or a couple and interact. And how do we relate to our emotions. So it’s all about how do we relate to our emotions and take those lessons as signals and guideposts, just like we made the biological example earlier, just like we might listen to symptoms of a cold or symptoms from our body. So the answer there is the most effective thing for a parent to do is to very simply validate the child’s experience. Now the how of validating is what is so wonderful about the mindfulness based evidence for treatments like CBT and ACT and my implicit cognitive behavioral therapy is the role of the parent or the partner or yourself to yourself is to first start by labeling that emotion. There is all kinds of wonderful research that shows the wonderful impact of simply finding the just right word for your emotional experience which activates the orbital prefrontal cortex the down right appeal like the amygdala. I know that a lot of psychobabble, but it pushes home the biological point that just finds the word of emotional experience and then tell them that it’s OK to have it. When we’re when we’re around 18 months to two years old, we’re learning to regulate our emotions when a parent looks at little Johnny who just spoke as ice cream and has this loss as – she looks him in the eye and says, Johnny… did you lose your ice cream? Are you sad? Yeah. And she makes like a cartoon-like response mirroring his experience and what Johnny learns is this is what sadness feels like. Mommy still loves me. I’m OK when I feel sadness. I’m still lovable and it will pass and it’s a normal part of my human experience. And that process, that mirroring process, literally helps children. Wire that neurological relationship I just described as the orbital prefrontal cortex to the amygdala. So we want to continue that and in those moment to moment interactions. If you have a partner who is prone to strong emotions, you know reassuring them or problem solving for them isn’t helping them, but helping them to learn to validate and know that they’re OK even in the face of those emotions – that’s a gift.

Gabe Howard: Give us one moment for our sponsor and then we will be right back.

Narrator 2: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent M. Wales: Welcome back everyone. We’re discussing mindfulness and self-care skills with Dr. Lara Fielding. Now I’m sure that in all of the teaching that you’ve done and all that, you’ve probably got a handful of items in your toolbox that anybody – our listeners, me and Gabe – can use to you know help us.

Lara Fielding: I hope!

Vincent M. Wales: What do you got for us?

Lara Fielding: So the theme of my teaching, broadly, and my book and my efforts to lower barriers to getting these effective tools is all built out around three simple steps. Let me say that there’s two parts, there’s first the self-awareness piece, the part of recognizing how your unique history and programming is showing up in your life, in your life patterns, based on the universal you, which is how we’re all wired. We’re all wired in a similar way. And in my writings and in my work I talk about the mind body vehicle – that machine that you feel yourself living in – that body where you feel your bottom in the chair right now… maybe you have headphones on, you could feel physical sensations. Right now you’re hearing the sound of my voice from inside your vehicle. And like all vehicles, there’s a lot of variability, but all vehicles have a steering wheel, tires, and an engine. Similarly, human beings all have action tendency emotions and thoughts, so emotions thoughts actions – I call that the ETA of your emotional higher hardwiring or the ETA of your a mind body vehicle. And here’s what people can take away from that. There’s a special way that you need to work with each piece of your experience. Well there’s only one of those that is directly in our control to change. Can you guess which one it is of our emotions thoughts and actions which one in our control?

Gabe Howard: I’m gonna go with actions, we can control our actions.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Vincent M. Wales: Reactions.

Lara Fielding: Exactly exactly exactly. And that’s the critical piece because so often you hear, Calm down, don’t feel that way, don’t worry. And then I can list you all the research that shows what happens when you actually try not to think. We could try it together. Ready? Let’s all not think about a banana. And what happened?

Gabe Howard: Banana.

Lara Fielding: You got bananas.

Vincent M. Wales: Banana banana.

Gabe Howard: Yeah, now I want banana bread, banana splits…

Lara Fielding: Yeah right. Because of this paired associations our minds make, the more you try not to think about it, the more you’ll be stuck with it. So what I teach people how to do is how to work with the paradox of our emotion regulation system rather than trying to control our emotions and thoughts, which causes discomfort. We control the behavior to enter into the system and turn the spinning system the other way when we’re having one of our spirals of frustration or sadness or anxiety or loss or whatever. So it it’s almost like I describe it like you’re standing on a surfboard on a bowling ball. You have to sometime there are places we have to lean in with acceptance and willingness and I’m going to feel this. And there it is. And then you have to change your behavior to pull up and so you kind of have to do the seesaw thing. And here’s the basic prescription and I give you the answer to the whole enchilada right here. I call it the Mindfulness Macarena. This is this tip of the iceberg with a lot of that could be dug down deep into, but it goes like this. And if you have your hands free right now, you can do it on your own. You’re putting both hands on your chest sort of in a compassion self compassion pose. You validate the emotion, then fingers up onto your temples, check your thoughts for accuracy and keep them in check. Is your thought 100 percent true? And redirecting your attention and focus to the present moment and last, using double barrel finger gun, change your behavior.  So it’s validate, check, change. Validate, check, change. That’s the prescription when you feel like you’re losing your mental footing and when you feel like stress is getting to… that’s how you check in with yourself in an effective way.

Gabe Howard: So obviously we’re listening to this podcast and we’re considering it. And you know you’re not around when this is happening, but you have taught this to a number of people who are in the room with you and I imagine that after you teach us, they have a question. What is the number one question that you’re asked. Because I have to imagine that our listeners they’re doing this and they’re thinking X, and I’m not sure what that is, but I bet you know.

Lara Fielding: I do. Usually when I’m working with people we’re working for a significant amount of time. The very first few weeks is doing that assessment of what is my unique programming that’s showing up in my mind body vehicle? And the way I do that is with a form I call the dashboard form, or on the back end of my website it’s an online form, that helps them start to recognize the pattern. It’s amazing how fast this goes to show up. This dashboard form is basically in this moment right now, if you were doing a dashboard form, you’d say the facts are we’re on this call. You guys are sitting somewhere. I’m sitting somewhere. That we all agree upon. The rest, the other four components, are unique to each of us. What are my thoughts? What are my emotions? What are my bodily sensations? And what is my impulse right now? So I have them complete those for a while and that is actually a very simple way of doing what we call a functional analysis. We basically are identifying their pattern. Then from that I work with clients to help them find what don’t you want to feel? What is it when you reach for the extra cookies, when you scream at your husband or girlfriend, when you don’t do the project you need to work on? When you’re doing that thing you do – which is the title of the blog that I’m working on right now on Psych Central, called That Thing You Do – which tells a lot of stories of fictional cases where there’s a thing they do and then we unpack it. So that’s what I help people do, I help them unpack that thing. And so the question I get asked all the time is how do I validate my emotions? How can I check my thoughts? How can I control my behavior? And that’s what I help people do by getting into the weeds of where is that thing you don’t want to feel, because that’s when you see a behavior that you want changed, that there’s something that that behavior serves to avoid or control. Does that make sense? Is that clear enough?

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: It does yeah. Yeah. I mean it’s complicated but it’s not. And I think that’s the best kind of thing to learn. It really is just teaching you to stop and think and then giving you direction on what to think about rather than just being reactionary.

Lara Fielding: 100 percent. Non reactivity is the basic prescription. It’s non reactivity. So if you’re very dysregulated right, there are little tricks that we’ve learned from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy like go to the icebox, grab some ice or frozen peas, put them up on your forehead, hold your breath for 30 seconds because that will initiate the dive reflex. That means that your mind does not have time to ruminate and do all the things that are contributing to your dysregulation. So we have some extremes that hack into the biology that way, but really what the nuance and superpower skill here that we’re after is professionals call it psychological flexibility. What I teach people how to do is add a skill called Bring It On. Once you’ve labeled and identified and validated that emotion, I have a couple of recorded exercises with videos in the book where it actually walks you through like, OK what is it that’s really bothering me right now. And just literally willing yourself to invite in the tension, the worry, and not ruminate on it. It’s a very different mechanism. And so when you practice this new way, it’s a bit opposite to what your programmed to do. That’s why it’s so hard. You’re programmed to react, to get righteously indignant, to start thinking and separating. That’s how humans are programmed. Unfortunately our biological programming from an evolutionary standpoint doesn’t really work today because we’re perceiving all kinds of things as dire threats and we need to override that autopilot. So teaching people how to dive into this open willingness toward feeling the feelings that they don’t want to feel. So, recipe: identify what it is you don’t want to feel that is leading to you doing the thing you do and then practice opening with your arms open and your chest and shoulders open and literally saying Bring It On. I got this. And over and over again I get reports from clients, when I asked him at the end, OK. How do you feel now? They look at me, shocked, like, huh, I feel better. So it’s a paradox of the willingness to feel uncomfortable will make you more comfortable. Or like Steven Hayes in acceptance and commitment therapy say, it’s balancing feeling better with getting better at feeling.

Vincent M. Wales: It reminds me a lot of pushing your own boundaries. You’re in your comfort zone, expanding your comfort zone in order to just have a bigger one, so that you’re not all anxious all the time like some of us are.

Lara Fielding: Yeah yeah.

Vincent M. Wales: In your work with the millennials that you’re doing, are they going to grow out of this issue, are they are they going to be crippled by the social media dependence that they have or what’s going to happen?

Lara Fielding: You know it’s interesting. I was talking to someone the other day and they’re like, it’s going to be all right, right? And my reaction my response was, yes because you’re going to make it all right. It’s really… my deepest desire is to empower people. The biggest hurdle to this empowerment is the willingness of people to take ownership and responsibility. And I think the most challenging, controversial, and the biggest hurdle we have is, can we take ownership without and let go of blame. Right it’s not your parent. We don’t need to blame your parents. It’s the problem being stuck in needing someone to blame. Right. So are they going to be OK. I think that once we take on a) an idea that we’re all in the human soup together and things may be unskillful or ineffective. But they’re just human. We could drop all that judgment to ourselves and others and then choosing like OK I totally want to lose my stuff on someone right now and I’m going to choose to be effective over being right. No I don’t think that millennials or Gen Z’s are ruined at all. I think they have extra challenges in the environment today because there’s so many delicious ways to distract yourself by ordering food or drugs or distracting away on social media. If so many tools that tie in to our evolutionarily hardwired predisposition that it takes more mental hygiene. Just as, you know, 60 or 70 years ago, we started exercising because we were at our desks more. It requires more mental hygiene and more practices and more mindfulness than it ever has before.

Gabe Howard: I really appreciate that answer. Thank you so much. So my final question is where could listeners find you on social media. I know we just we just we just talked about maybe they should spend less time on social media…

Vincent M. Wales: You’re empowering them now.

Gabe Howard: Right now I’m empowering them… Seriously, where can listeners find you on social media online and where can they find more information about the skills that you teach.

Lara Fielding: Thanks for asking. It is it is a paradox isn’t it. And I thought about that when I was writing my book, Mastering Adulthood: go beyond adulting to become an emotional grownup. And it’s about quality right and versus quantity online. They can find me certainly at my Web site which is mindful-mastery.com. And on the Web site I’m going to be loading all the videos from the book that show and walk you through the steps you need to more skillfully regulate emotions, not to mention identify what you do care deeply about. We have some exercises to do that. And then they can write me comments and questions so I can engage with them there. And of course on Psych Central they can reach me and they can find me at mindful_mastery on Instagram.

Gabe Howard: We really appreciate that. And of course to anybody listening who has a millennial or a young person in their life, a high schooler, a college student, I recognize that we are not popular with the 16 to 22 year old crowd.

Vincent M. Wales: Speak for yourself!

Lara Fielding: We’re working on it, being as hip as we can!

Vincent M. Wales:  Right.

Gabe Howard: We’re doing everything that we can but drop them a link to this episode. I think there is a lot of great information and of course the blog is really wonderful. We like all our Psych Central bloggers. We’re a great big family and we’re all experts in the fields that we choose to write in. So clearly this is a good product or you wouldn’t be here right.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for being on the show.

Lara Fielding: It’s been my absolute pleasure. And I really can’t say enough that getting these messages out to people of all ages to understand the inner workings of our mental health and really that it’s just about being human. I really love the work that you guys do. Thank you so much for having me on. Really appreciate it.

Vincent M. Wales: Well thank you.

Gabe Howard: And we really appreciate you. And thank you everyone that is tuned into this episode. And remember that you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private, online counseling anytime, anywhere by visiting betterhelp.com/psychcentral. We will see everybody next week.

Narrator 1: Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host, Gabe Howard, is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host, Vincent M. Wales, is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email talkback@psychcentral.com.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

    Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

      from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-how-to-make-the-transition-to-adulthood-easier/

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: How to Make the Transition to Adulthood Easier



The transition from youth to adult is a difficult one for most people, filled with unexpected events and changes that we are ill-prepared for. Many find themselves seriously lacking not only the life skills needed, but also the psychological and emotional tools that would make this huge change easier. Our guest this week explains how we can use mindfulness to develop these tools and make adulting much less intimidating.

Subscribe to Our Show! And Remember to Review Us!

About Our Guest

Lara Fielding is a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, and an adjunct professor at Pepperdine Graduate School of Education and Psychology. She works to empower young adults to promote their mental health resilience. She guides her clients and students to identify what they truly care about, and teaches them the skills they need to manage the discomfort that comes along the way. She is the author of Mastering Adulthood: Go Beyond Adulting to Become an Emotional Grown-up, a first of its kind, multi-media, self-help book, with QR code-linked experiential skills practices.

www.mindful-mastery.com

IG: mindful_mastery

  ADULTING SHOW TRANSCRIPT (Computer-Generated)

Narrator 1: Welcome to the Psych Central show, where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health –  with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. Wales.

Gabe Howard: Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Vincent M. Wales. And today, Vince and I will be talking to Dr. Lara Fielding, a clinical psychologist who writes a very popular Psych Central blog aimed at helping millennials use mindfulness and self-care skills to promote their mental health and manage the stress of transitioning into adulthood. Lara, welcome to the show.

Lara Fielding: Oh thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited. I just love your show and can’t support the message of getting psychology and evidence based practices and the knowledge that we carry out to as many people as possible. So thank you for building the show and having me on it.

Vincent M. Wales: Happy to have you. And I want to say right off the bat that I wish your blog existed when I was young because I could have used that kind of guidance.

Lara Fielding: Thank you.

Gabe Howard: Vin, computers didn’t exist when you were young. They didn’t exist when I was young.

Vincent M. Wales: I know where you live. I will never visit. But I could mail something very bad to you.

Gabe Howard: That is, that is very fair. But you are right. There was not a lot of talk about transitioning into adulthood when we were younger. It was just sort of something that we were supposed to gather on our own.

Vincent M. Wales: Yes. Schools didn’t teach what we would call life skills.

Lara Fielding: Right?

Gabe Howard: I mean they had Home Ec…

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah but that was so limited to…

Lara Fielding: Sewing.

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: And depending on the school it could have been designed just for women. I mean it taught cooking and sewing. It didn’t teach me how to balance a checkbook. So Lara, our first question for you is what gave you the idea for this aside from the fact that it’s a very very good one?

Lara Fielding: Thank you. I’m glad you agree. It came twofold, from my own personal experience as well as from current life conditions that young people are growing up in. I actually started my adult teen adventures at 15 and when I took off on my own on the road I saw a lot of the people around me that I loved and cared for, in particular my sister, making choices or reacting to the stressors of the environment in ways that were not helpful. So judge them however you might be if they didn’t lead to good outcomes in their mental health and their overall life coping and success as an adult. And then I saw what was happening in our current road conditions as I call them in the road of adulting where, you know as you know, young people are coming of age in a time where everything they do is being observed. We know from a from a long history of psychological experiments that when we do something in the presence of others that we’re just learning how to do, we’re more likely to kind of mess it up. Whereas when we’re very good at something we do it in the presence of others then we’ll excel at it and get better at it. So they have heightened social comparison from the internet and digital access. They have higher hurdles to overcome than we did in our time. And just what was showing up in my office was not as I thought would show up. I thought I would see all these stories of trauma and difficulties growing up. What I saw with kids that supposedly should be doing OK really struggling and having a hard time. That’s when I started to delve in a little bit to what’s going on. And yes when I started the blog I said it was aimed at millennials but I think millennials are a little bit aging out now. It’s really just to anyone who is in that transition, either it’s going off to college or finishing up college and starting a new job or entering a marriage and family. It is all of those adulting, major adulting transitions that can create stress and challenge in our lives. And that’s why I wrote the book. I wrote the book because I couldn’t help the people I loved and I couldn’t help my sister and because I thought that these same challenges were sort of showing up for young people today.

Vincent M. Wales: We should probably clarify, since you mentioned all these young people that you’re associating with, Dr. Fielding is a an adjunct professor at Pepperdine Graduate School of Education &  Psychology, hence all of the young people in her life.

Lara Fielding: And in my also in my private practice. My private practice was located right next to UCLA. I was also supervising at the time at UCLA. So yes, I had a lot of referrals for college age or graduate school age. I was teaching the graduate school and I was seeing more college age in my private practice. Exactly.

Vincent M. Wales: Now you mentioned being surprised by some of the things that these young people were struggling with. Can you share like one or two of the biggies that you see all the time now?

Lara Fielding: Definitely. When I would start to explore with my clients well what what was going on and something familiar there with your family with your friends? What I would hear over and over again was that my parents like my best friends. I check in with them every single day. I can text them, I take them multiple times per day or are they’re on the phone with me and they walk me through everything. So that was one thing that I was curious about at first and what that signaled, what that parent interaction element signaled, was lowered distress tolerance. So we know a lot from the research that reassurance thinking is actually a symptom of a lot of diagnoses like obsessive compulsive disorder. But a lot of other ones, depression and anxiety, as well. And when parents are always there and again by proxy the cell phone and digital media is always there as a source of reassurance seeking, there becomes less opportunity for learned distress tolerance to see that you can sit with the discomfort and the wave will come and go. So that was one of the primary themes that started to show up. You know I also specialize in dialectical behavioral therapy which was developed for borderline personality disorder. Even with really difficult problems with emotion dysregulation, you can see that the environment that they grew up in or their programming as I call it isn’t necessarily from bad things happening. It’s just from the parents constantly trying to help them fix their difficult emotions or growing up. Even the schools actually were quite guilty of this when we had our self-esteem program that everyone got a trophy and no one was allowed to feel bad. And this isn’t just me, there’s a lot of data to back this up. So that’s sort of the theme that I’ve seen showing up. That doesn’t mean that a lot of people don’t experience a lot of difficulties with emotion regulation and transitioning into adulthood for more traditional reasons of difficulty in their upbringing. Does that answer the question?

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah it does. And it’s interesting because when you were talking about that, it just reminded me of another situation that we have in our society these days, which is parents who refused to expose their children to germs without realizing that they need to because that’s what develops your immune system.

Lara Fielding: Yes it’s exactly the same thing.

Gabe Howard: Lara thank you. I want to jump in on something that you said about you know nobody’s allowed to feel bad and everybody gets a trophy and everybody gets to feel like a winner. And on one hand it’s like how could that go wrong? How could everybody feeling like a winner go wrong? And the answer is because while everybody was learning how to win, nobody learned how to lose.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: And there is important and valuable lessons in losing. I’ll be the first to admit I hate to be wrong. I hate to lose. And I don’t like it when I don’t get my way. But thankfully I don’t always get my way. I can admit when I’m wrong and I know how to manage loss. And one of the most important skills for me, and I want you to talk on this because I know that you have great information about this, a loss isn’t just a loss – it’s also a learning experience, it’s an opportunity to gather data and get closer to “winning.” Can you speak on that for a moment?

Lara Fielding: Ok. There’s actually two things that come to mind regarding experiencing a loss. A loss is a message that needs tending to. Right. So if we pretend that it wasn’t a loss, then we lose the message there. I actually remember an interview after a political campaign where someone asked the Republican candidate what he learned from his loss. And I remember him saying, well nothing. From that day on, I was like really? Really? So yes we have to learn: a) you have a cognitive or a thinking change that happens we have a lot to learn. Oh that doesn’t work. Don’t try that again. But you also have the emotional part right? What most people don’t realize and the effort of my book is to teach that our emotions have a purpose and that purpose is important information about what – I mean, to be obvious -what you care deeply about. And what you care deeply about is the direction you want to build your life around. So if you get sort of very good or you’re raised in a way that avoids, suppresses, denies or otherwise minimizes your emotional experience related to those losses, then you’re really going to lose connection to that self, part of you that really does know why you’re on the planet and knows why you care about things beyond just the reasons other people tell us. So I would hope that directly answers your question. But those losses are not only important learned or cognitive lessons but their emotional practice and connection to what we care deeply about.

Gabe Howard: And of course if we don’t acknowledge that we lost, we can’t move forward. We go back to your politician analogy, it’s like what did you learn from your loss? And I would venture to guess that there is probably some larger story that that person would tell their friends and families about. Well I didn’t really lose, the third party candidates stole all my votes, voter turnout was very low. And I understand the desire to do this. I have to push those desires down as well. But when you don’t admit that you lost fair and square, you don’t know how to fix it.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: I think that there are many young people coming of age right now who, anytime they mess up, somebody else fixes it for them. And of course the danger in that is all of the people who are fixing it for them? See, they learned how to fix it. And now they’re not passing that onto the next generation. Now I don’t want to turn this into like a bashing session on how all parents are hobbling their children, because that’s not fair either. So let’s change the focus to when you see your child -because most of our listeners are going to really relate to the parent aspect of this – when you see your child failing and they’re sad and they’re upset and every fiber of your being is saying run in there and fix it, what’s the benefit in sitting back and saying you know what I’m going to sit this one out?

Lara Fielding: I might not even say that might be an all or nothing right. Say I’m going to go in there and fix it versus I’m out. And I love that you ask that question because it’s so important because really the message of being effective with our emotional experience, being nuanced, being flexible is one of interest that so between us so a parent and a child or a couple and interact. And how do we relate to our emotions. So it’s all about how do we relate to our emotions and take those lessons as signals and guideposts, just like we made the biological example earlier, just like we might listen to symptoms of a cold or symptoms from our body. So the answer there is the most effective thing for a parent to do is to very simply validate the child’s experience. Now the how of validating is what is so wonderful about the mindfulness based evidence for treatments like CBT and ACT and my implicit cognitive behavioral therapy is the role of the parent or the partner or yourself to yourself is to first start by labeling that emotion. There is all kinds of wonderful research that shows the wonderful impact of simply finding the just right word for your emotional experience which activates the orbital prefrontal cortex the down right appeal like the amygdala. I know that a lot of psychobabble, but it pushes home the biological point that just finds the word of emotional experience and then tell them that it’s OK to have it. When we’re when we’re around 18 months to two years old, we’re learning to regulate our emotions when a parent looks at little Johnny who just spoke as ice cream and has this loss as – she looks him in the eye and says, Johnny… did you lose your ice cream? Are you sad? Yeah. And she makes like a cartoon-like response mirroring his experience and what Johnny learns is this is what sadness feels like. Mommy still loves me. I’m OK when I feel sadness. I’m still lovable and it will pass and it’s a normal part of my human experience. And that process, that mirroring process, literally helps children. Wire that neurological relationship I just described as the orbital prefrontal cortex to the amygdala. So we want to continue that and in those moment to moment interactions. If you have a partner who is prone to strong emotions, you know reassuring them or problem solving for them isn’t helping them, but helping them to learn to validate and know that they’re OK even in the face of those emotions – that’s a gift.

Gabe Howard: Give us one moment for our sponsor and then we will be right back.

Narrator 2: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent M. Wales: Welcome back everyone. We’re discussing mindfulness and self-care skills with Dr. Lara Fielding. Now I’m sure that in all of the teaching that you’ve done and all that, you’ve probably got a handful of items in your toolbox that anybody – our listeners, me and Gabe – can use to you know help us.

Lara Fielding: I hope!

Vincent M. Wales: What do you got for us?

Lara Fielding: So the theme of my teaching, broadly, and my book and my efforts to lower barriers to getting these effective tools is all built out around three simple steps. Let me say that there’s two parts, there’s first the self-awareness piece, the part of recognizing how your unique history and programming is showing up in your life, in your life patterns, based on the universal you, which is how we’re all wired. We’re all wired in a similar way. And in my writings and in my work I talk about the mind body vehicle – that machine that you feel yourself living in – that body where you feel your bottom in the chair right now… maybe you have headphones on, you could feel physical sensations. Right now you’re hearing the sound of my voice from inside your vehicle. And like all vehicles, there’s a lot of variability, but all vehicles have a steering wheel, tires, and an engine. Similarly, human beings all have action tendency emotions and thoughts, so emotions thoughts actions – I call that the ETA of your emotional higher hardwiring or the ETA of your a mind body vehicle. And here’s what people can take away from that. There’s a special way that you need to work with each piece of your experience. Well there’s only one of those that is directly in our control to change. Can you guess which one it is of our emotions thoughts and actions which one in our control?

Gabe Howard: I’m gonna go with actions, we can control our actions.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Vincent M. Wales: Reactions.

Lara Fielding: Exactly exactly exactly. And that’s the critical piece because so often you hear, Calm down, don’t feel that way, don’t worry. And then I can list you all the research that shows what happens when you actually try not to think. We could try it together. Ready? Let’s all not think about a banana. And what happened?

Gabe Howard: Banana.

Lara Fielding: You got bananas.

Vincent M. Wales: Banana banana.

Gabe Howard: Yeah, now I want banana bread, banana splits…

Lara Fielding: Yeah right. Because of this paired associations our minds make, the more you try not to think about it, the more you’ll be stuck with it. So what I teach people how to do is how to work with the paradox of our emotion regulation system rather than trying to control our emotions and thoughts, which causes discomfort. We control the behavior to enter into the system and turn the spinning system the other way when we’re having one of our spirals of frustration or sadness or anxiety or loss or whatever. So it it’s almost like I describe it like you’re standing on a surfboard on a bowling ball. You have to sometime there are places we have to lean in with acceptance and willingness and I’m going to feel this. And there it is. And then you have to change your behavior to pull up and so you kind of have to do the seesaw thing. And here’s the basic prescription and I give you the answer to the whole enchilada right here. I call it the Mindfulness Macarena. This is this tip of the iceberg with a lot of that could be dug down deep into, but it goes like this. And if you have your hands free right now, you can do it on your own. You’re putting both hands on your chest sort of in a compassion self compassion pose. You validate the emotion, then fingers up onto your temples, check your thoughts for accuracy and keep them in check. Is your thought 100 percent true? And redirecting your attention and focus to the present moment and last, using double barrel finger gun, change your behavior.  So it’s validate, check, change. Validate, check, change. That’s the prescription when you feel like you’re losing your mental footing and when you feel like stress is getting to… that’s how you check in with yourself in an effective way.

Gabe Howard: So obviously we’re listening to this podcast and we’re considering it. And you know you’re not around when this is happening, but you have taught this to a number of people who are in the room with you and I imagine that after you teach us, they have a question. What is the number one question that you’re asked. Because I have to imagine that our listeners they’re doing this and they’re thinking X, and I’m not sure what that is, but I bet you know.

Lara Fielding: I do. Usually when I’m working with people we’re working for a significant amount of time. The very first few weeks is doing that assessment of what is my unique programming that’s showing up in my mind body vehicle? And the way I do that is with a form I call the dashboard form, or on the back end of my website it’s an online form, that helps them start to recognize the pattern. It’s amazing how fast this goes to show up. This dashboard form is basically in this moment right now, if you were doing a dashboard form, you’d say the facts are we’re on this call. You guys are sitting somewhere. I’m sitting somewhere. That we all agree upon. The rest, the other four components, are unique to each of us. What are my thoughts? What are my emotions? What are my bodily sensations? And what is my impulse right now? So I have them complete those for a while and that is actually a very simple way of doing what we call a functional analysis. We basically are identifying their pattern. Then from that I work with clients to help them find what don’t you want to feel? What is it when you reach for the extra cookies, when you scream at your husband or girlfriend, when you don’t do the project you need to work on? When you’re doing that thing you do – which is the title of the blog that I’m working on right now on Psych Central, called That Thing You Do – which tells a lot of stories of fictional cases where there’s a thing they do and then we unpack it. So that’s what I help people do, I help them unpack that thing. And so the question I get asked all the time is how do I validate my emotions? How can I check my thoughts? How can I control my behavior? And that’s what I help people do by getting into the weeds of where is that thing you don’t want to feel, because that’s when you see a behavior that you want changed, that there’s something that that behavior serves to avoid or control. Does that make sense? Is that clear enough?

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: It does yeah. Yeah. I mean it’s complicated but it’s not. And I think that’s the best kind of thing to learn. It really is just teaching you to stop and think and then giving you direction on what to think about rather than just being reactionary.

Lara Fielding: 100 percent. Non reactivity is the basic prescription. It’s non reactivity. So if you’re very dysregulated right, there are little tricks that we’ve learned from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy like go to the icebox, grab some ice or frozen peas, put them up on your forehead, hold your breath for 30 seconds because that will initiate the dive reflex. That means that your mind does not have time to ruminate and do all the things that are contributing to your dysregulation. So we have some extremes that hack into the biology that way, but really what the nuance and superpower skill here that we’re after is professionals call it psychological flexibility. What I teach people how to do is add a skill called Bring It On. Once you’ve labeled and identified and validated that emotion, I have a couple of recorded exercises with videos in the book where it actually walks you through like, OK what is it that’s really bothering me right now. And just literally willing yourself to invite in the tension, the worry, and not ruminate on it. It’s a very different mechanism. And so when you practice this new way, it’s a bit opposite to what your programmed to do. That’s why it’s so hard. You’re programmed to react, to get righteously indignant, to start thinking and separating. That’s how humans are programmed. Unfortunately our biological programming from an evolutionary standpoint doesn’t really work today because we’re perceiving all kinds of things as dire threats and we need to override that autopilot. So teaching people how to dive into this open willingness toward feeling the feelings that they don’t want to feel. So, recipe: identify what it is you don’t want to feel that is leading to you doing the thing you do and then practice opening with your arms open and your chest and shoulders open and literally saying Bring It On. I got this. And over and over again I get reports from clients, when I asked him at the end, OK. How do you feel now? They look at me, shocked, like, huh, I feel better. So it’s a paradox of the willingness to feel uncomfortable will make you more comfortable. Or like Steven Hayes in acceptance and commitment therapy say, it’s balancing feeling better with getting better at feeling.

Vincent M. Wales: It reminds me a lot of pushing your own boundaries. You’re in your comfort zone, expanding your comfort zone in order to just have a bigger one, so that you’re not all anxious all the time like some of us are.

Lara Fielding: Yeah yeah.

Vincent M. Wales: In your work with the millennials that you’re doing, are they going to grow out of this issue, are they are they going to be crippled by the social media dependence that they have or what’s going to happen?

Lara Fielding: You know it’s interesting. I was talking to someone the other day and they’re like, it’s going to be all right, right? And my reaction my response was, yes because you’re going to make it all right. It’s really… my deepest desire is to empower people. The biggest hurdle to this empowerment is the willingness of people to take ownership and responsibility. And I think the most challenging, controversial, and the biggest hurdle we have is, can we take ownership without and let go of blame. Right it’s not your parent. We don’t need to blame your parents. It’s the problem being stuck in needing someone to blame. Right. So are they going to be OK. I think that once we take on a) an idea that we’re all in the human soup together and things may be unskillful or ineffective. But they’re just human. We could drop all that judgment to ourselves and others and then choosing like OK I totally want to lose my stuff on someone right now and I’m going to choose to be effective over being right. No I don’t think that millennials or Gen Z’s are ruined at all. I think they have extra challenges in the environment today because there’s so many delicious ways to distract yourself by ordering food or drugs or distracting away on social media. If so many tools that tie in to our evolutionarily hardwired predisposition that it takes more mental hygiene. Just as, you know, 60 or 70 years ago, we started exercising because we were at our desks more. It requires more mental hygiene and more practices and more mindfulness than it ever has before.

Gabe Howard: I really appreciate that answer. Thank you so much. So my final question is where could listeners find you on social media. I know we just we just we just talked about maybe they should spend less time on social media…

Vincent M. Wales: You’re empowering them now.

Gabe Howard: Right now I’m empowering them… Seriously, where can listeners find you on social media online and where can they find more information about the skills that you teach.

Lara Fielding: Thanks for asking. It is it is a paradox isn’t it. And I thought about that when I was writing my book, Mastering Adulthood: go beyond adulting to become an emotional grownup. And it’s about quality right and versus quantity online. They can find me certainly at my Web site which is mindful-mastery.com. And on the Web site I’m going to be loading all the videos from the book that show and walk you through the steps you need to more skillfully regulate emotions, not to mention identify what you do care deeply about. We have some exercises to do that. And then they can write me comments and questions so I can engage with them there. And of course on Psych Central they can reach me and they can find me at mindful_mastery on Instagram.

Gabe Howard: We really appreciate that. And of course to anybody listening who has a millennial or a young person in their life, a high schooler, a college student, I recognize that we are not popular with the 16 to 22 year old crowd.

Vincent M. Wales: Speak for yourself!

Lara Fielding: We’re working on it, being as hip as we can!

Vincent M. Wales:  Right.

Gabe Howard: We’re doing everything that we can but drop them a link to this episode. I think there is a lot of great information and of course the blog is really wonderful. We like all our Psych Central bloggers. We’re a great big family and we’re all experts in the fields that we choose to write in. So clearly this is a good product or you wouldn’t be here right.

Lara Fielding: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for being on the show.

Lara Fielding: It’s been my absolute pleasure. And I really can’t say enough that getting these messages out to people of all ages to understand the inner workings of our mental health and really that it’s just about being human. I really love the work that you guys do. Thank you so much for having me on. Really appreciate it.

Vincent M. Wales: Well thank you.

Gabe Howard: And we really appreciate you. And thank you everyone that is tuned into this episode. And remember that you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private, online counseling anytime, anywhere by visiting betterhelp.com/psychcentral. We will see everybody next week.

Narrator 1: Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host, Gabe Howard, is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host, Vincent M. Wales, is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email talkback@psychcentral.com.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

    Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

      from World of Psychology http://bit.ly/2ADhM5g via theshiningmind.com

[kartiavelino]

Floyd Mayweather vs. 50 Cent Battle Royale: A Timeline of Their Reignited Beef

What began out as a relaxed Saturday afternoon ended up in full shambles after Floyd Mayweather launched a scathing assault in opposition to his longtime frenemy 50 Cent. On Saturday (Jul. 21), through a prolonged Instagram caption, Mayweather, apparently responding to current jabs from 50 Cent, fired off on his former BFF about all the pieces from his child mama, to his son to his profession, even going so far as to deduce that he’s a snitch. Within the caption of a black-and-white picture of 50 Cent with the phrases “Curtis 5-O Jackson Go Snitch or Die Tellin,” Floyd wrote: Curtis “Confidential Informant” Jackson, you’re mad as a result of your oldest son Marquees mom doesn’t need to be with you! Your Son, your individual flesh and blood don’t need nothing to do with you! You haven’t had a success music on radio in who is aware of when and also you’re positively not scorching sufficient to even promote information anymore so Interscope dropped you. You’re jealous of any rapper, athlete or entertainer that’s scorching or received one thing occurring for themselves. You’re a licensed snitch and we received paperwork to show it. You discuss Ja-Rule however you stole his complete fashion and ran with it! You’re the one self proclaimed gangster that’s by no means put in work! You want to pay homage to the actual 50cent for stealing his identify and his storyline. Your declare to fame was getting shot quite a few instances & residing to inform it and also you assume that’s Gangster? The place at? You’re at the moment residing in a fucking residence in Jersey, you’re at all times in anyone else’s enterprise simply to remain related. You must simply grow to be a blogger trigger it’s apparent you don’t don’t have anything occurring in your life. Are you mad that Kanye West ended your profession? The one factor you bought occurring is Energy and everyone watches that as a result of Ghost is a dope ass character on the present. You possibly can go away the present everyone will nonetheless watch Energy, however out right here in the actual world I’m The Actual Ghost. That’s not a Mansion in Connecticut that you simply’re in debt for, that’s a dump, a cash pit an outsized lure home! It was dope when Mike Tyson had it within the late 80’s early 90’s, however you couldn’t afford to take care of it. You’re at all times speaking about anyone is broke, however the final time I checked it was Curtis Jackson that filed for chapter not Floyd Mayweather. So fast to gossip like a Bitch, why don’t you inform everyone how you bought Herpes from DJ. The place’s your memes for that, huh? Or higher but, put up on how your Coca-Cola deal wasn’t actually 300 million you f***ing liar and inform how that spinning G-Unit necklace that anyone received robbed for was faux. Simply keep in mind, I used to be with you on a regular basis and your driver Bruce was my driver additionally. I do know the place all of your bones are buried, so be straightforward Curtis Jackson! And by the way in which, don’t ask to borrow no extra money from me. Curtis “Confidential Informant” Jackson, you are mad as a result of your oldest son Marquees mom doesn’t need to be with you! Your Son, your individual flesh and blood don’t desire nothing to do with you! You have not had a success music on radio in who is aware of when and also you’re positively not scorching sufficient to even promote information anymore so Interscope dropped you. You’re jealous of any rapper, athlete or entertainer that’s scorching or received one thing occurring for themselves. You’re a licensed snitch and we received paperwork to show it. You discuss Ja-Rule however you stole his complete fashion and ran with it! You’re the one self proclaimed gangster that’s by no means put in work! You want to pay homage to the actual 50cent for stealing his identify and his storyline. Your declare to fame was getting shot quite a few instances & residing to inform it and also you assume that is Gangster? The place at? You’re at the moment residing in a fucking residence in Jersey, you’re at all times in anyone else’s enterprise simply to remain related. You must simply grow to be a blogger trigger it’s apparent you don’t don’t have anything occurring in your life. Are you mad that Kanye West ended your profession? The one factor you bought occurring is Energy and everyone watches that as a result of Ghost is a dope ass character on the present. You possibly can go away the present everyone will nonetheless watch Energy, however out right here in the actual world I’m The Actual Ghost. That’s not a Mansion in Connecticut that you simply’re in debt for, that’s a dump, a cash pit an outsized lure home! It was dope when Mike Tyson had it within the late 80’s early 90’s, however you could not afford to take care of it. You’re at all times speaking about anyone is broke, however the final time I checked it was Curtis Jackson that filed for chapter not Floyd Mayweather. So fast to gossip like a Bitch, why do not you inform everyone how you bought Herpes from DJ. The place’s your memes for that, huh? Or higher but, put up on how your Coca-Cola deal wasn’t actually 300 million you fucking liar and inform how that spinning G-Unit necklace that anyone received robbed for was faux. Simply keep in mind, I used to be with you on a regular basis and your driver Bruce was my driver additionally. I do know the place all of your bones are buried, so be straightforward Curtis Jackson! And by the way in which, don’t ask to borrow no extra money from me. A put up shared by Floyd Mayweather (@floydmayweather) on Jul 21, 2018 at 12:36pm PDT Prior to now, 50 Cent has referred to as Floyd Mayweather out for being allegedly illiterate, so whether or not Floyd can really learn/write stays to be seen. And who is aware of if he had somebody to jot down that caption for him. Nevertheless, THAT was one HELLUVA “learn,” if what we imply. Additionally, the way in which he ended it with “by the way in which, don’t ask to borrow no extra money from me” was fairly spot on, for those who ask us. Now, earlier than we get into Fifty’s response, let’s return to Could when this beef was re-ignited. In a sequence of Instagram posts in late Could, 50 Cent shared with the world a textual content message dialog between himself on Mayweather, who was clearly not proud of 50’s conduct, telling him that he’s coping with a snitch and all he ever is does is canine individuals and take into consideration himself. 50 wrote within the caption, “Floyd on his bullsh*** once more, he performed f***ed that cash up. Now he mad about previous sh**, I’m not promoting your vehicles again champ, you’re n***a. Get the strap.” 50 returned a couple of hours later with a second put up, and this time, he accused Mayweather of being “in his emotions.” A couple of month or so later, 50 trolled Floyd as a result of he dropped $18 million on a watch. “Man they discovered the 1 n***a on the planet, dumb sufficient to purchase that watch,” he commented on an image of Mayweather, adopted by his notorious catchphrase “LOL get the strap.” He adopted up that put up with this one (which he deleted) making enjoyable of Floyd allegedly not with the ability to learn. Beneath a photograph of Mayweather and his son at his highschool commencement, he wrote within the caption: “He can learn no matter you want for you. Get the strap.” Now, again to their newest back-and-forth. In response to Floyd’s scathing IG put up, 50 retorted with this IG put up insinuating that Floyd had assist writing that lengthy put up about him: I should have damage your emotions champ, you had somebody write a guide I’m gonna take my time with this so I get all of it out we’re gonna begin together with your 11 Home violence circumstances. Wait a minute I’ll do them so as keep in mind you requested for this. Floyd hit again with one other put up questioning the paternity of 50’s second son and telling 50’s first son, Marquise, with whom 50 has been on the outs with over the previous few years, “Uncle Floyd nonetheless received you!” Within the subsequent spherical of their “Battle Royale” match, Fifty went after Floyd once more over his alleged illiteracy with this video making enjoyable of him struggling by studying a radio drop for the Breakfast Membership: COME ON BABY’s LMAO, the Champ so delicate he turned his feedback off. ?get the strap #lecheminduroi pic.twitter.com/TXtB63XZfp — 50cent (@50cent) July 22, 2018 He additionally shared a photograph of a notice with horrible grammar and plenty of misspelled phrases, calling it Floyd’s “tough draft earlier than his ghostwriter received concerned.” After which Floyd fired again with this picture Sunday night (Jul. 22), evaluating 50’s $20 million 2018 web value to his $18 million watch. The picture on 50’s aspect is of his cancer-stricken character from the film “Issues Fall Aside” with a rat in entrance of it. “You’re Not Supposed To Be Beefing With Me. You’re Supposed To Be Beefing With My WATCH,” Mayweather wrote within the caption. “Me And You Are Not On The Identical Stage!!!” And whereas we had been drafting this put up, Floyd adopted up with ANOTHER IG assault Monday afternoon (Jul. 23) calling on of us to enter “The Greatest Rat Sweepstakes.” He wrote: “To Enter: 1st, Inform me what number of rats are on this image? 2nd: Go to 50cent IG, twitter and Fb and put up essentially the most disrespectful remark you’ll be able to presumably assume of about The ‘Herpes Infested Rat’ 50cent. third: Repost On Your Web page #50CentGotHerpes. I Promise… The Prime 9 Pictures Will Recieve $1,000 Every & A Reposts On My Web page.” Ball’s in your courtroom now, 50. http://feeds.gossiponthis.com/~r/gossiponthis/~3/ECoTdXwxwsU/ The post Floyd Mayweather vs. 50 Cent Battle Royale: A Timeline of Their Reignited Beef appeared first on My style by Kartia. https://www.kartiavelino.com/2018/07/floyd-mayweather-vs-50-cent-battle-royale-a-timeline-of-their-reignited-beef.html