#i wrote in the present tense again are y'all proud of me

[insertsickusername13]

General concept: Brooke comforts Jake after the fire

Word count: 1969

Warnings: kind of alludes to suicide, but it's like... very implied and not at all said

Jake's apartment is probably more important to Brooke than it is to Jake. After November 1st, when she woke up to her parents shaking her awake at 8 am telling her something terrible's happened. Are you friends with Jake Dillinger? she's forced to function under the constant, ineffable, unavoidable assumption that no matter what she does—how kind she is, how happy she can be—something terrible is going to happen again, and this time there is going to be no boy to pick up from the hospital, no wheelchair to help him set up, no trips to the mall to buy countless flowers for Rich. Only black dresses and rainy skies and silent lunch tables. 

The apartment is proof he's alive. He's going to recover. He isn't being taken by social services and isn't moving in with his Aunt in Virginia. He's here. He's safe. She still has her best friend (aside from, of course, Chloe, but that's a different situation entirely).

Jake doesn't appreciate it as much. He's silent as his landlord hands him the key with a pitying 'good luck' smile, silent as they sit in the pre-furnished living room, Brooke on the overstuffed couch and Jake in his wheelchair. Brooke's planning out ways to make the place Jake's: posters on the walls, pictures on the shelves. Repaint a couple of walls and redo the beach-themed bathroom. Her voice is so loud it echoes through the apartment.

"The windows are nice, the curtains are definitely giving off unfulfilled middle age mother though, don't you think?"

She turns to Jake for approval, smiling brightly at her own joke, only to be met with a blank, red-eyed stare and delayed laugh.

She decides getting him out of the apartment is probably for the best. Maybe it's just too stuffy, or too fast. He just needs a distraction—some time to process everything. Nothing terrible is going to happen as long as she stays by his side.

She can just talk it away. She can do his nails, buy more flowers. She'll paint the walls yellow and waft away every cloud in the sky until the world is bright with sunshine. Just as long as nothing terrible happens. 

She takes him to the mall first, thinking perusing the isles of Ikea might excite him. Pretty furniture, pretty setups. 

"How do you feel about these 'yellow star twinkling' fairy lights? The LED strips look cheap, right? So these are definitely better. But the LEDs change color, so...?"

Brooke holds the two options up in front of her. There's an entire shelf of other lights behind her, but the rest are erring on the side of too feminine, and she has the feeling that even a Jake who no longer has Rich constantly chastising every decision that isn't 'manly' enough won't appreciate them.

Jake points silently to a box behind her, barely doing more than lifting a finger. Ecstatic to finally get a reaction out of him, Brooke spins wildly to see a box of butterfly-shaped lights. 

Oh. Maybe it wasn't too feminine, after all. She notes that for later. 

Eagerly, she picks up the box. "These?"

He nods. She tries not to look at him too long as she skips over to their cart. If she studies him for any more than a moment she'll be forced to confront the bags under his eyes and the glazed-over, empty look in his irises, either a result of the medications or the knowledge he'll never be able to run like he used to or see Rich the same way.

"Great! Are we gonna look at posters too? Personally, I never thought of you as a poster guy, but I might be wrong. Maybe polaroids? Or paintings! Paintings would be awesome."

She ends up buying post-it notes. She lost Jake somewhere between the desks and beds, and by the time they finally reach another section of the store with more bedroom decor, he's only responding with sharp, one-word answers meant to slice her away into submission and eventual surrender. The terror of something going wrong keeps her smile on her face and a pep in her step, and eventually she gets him to say he wants neon pink post-it notes. 

He doesn't. But it's an answer, and it's clear on his face he thinks that might be enough to get her to finally leave him alone. 

It isn't.

She sits crisscross on his bedroom floor once they get back to the apartment, squished in the far corner between his empty dresser and equally as empty desk.

"I bet we could paint it," Brooke offers as she sits next to the splintering wood of his dresser. Jake hums from his bed, having reverted back to nonverbal answers. He's laying on his back, hands clasped over his stomach, legs propped up on a pile of pillows Brooke had bought at Bed Bath & Beyond. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye, resisting the urge to flurry over and roll him over onto his side, because what if he takes too many pills? What if he overdoses? What if he does it on purpose? What if something terrible happens?

Her grip on her pen tightens as she writes you're amazing!! on one of the post-it notes and sticks it to the edge of the corner.

On the next, what do you call a tower of cats?? —a meow-tain!!

You're really brave!!

I love you

It'll get better

A cartoon sun. A flower. A llama. 

It's nothing. It's stupid. Even someone as naive and innocent as Brooke can identify just how little it will help someone in Jake's situation, but her hands shake as she writes you can do this!! and she realizes, blinking back tears, that this isn't for Jake at all. 

She takes a small, shaky breath. She's as quiet as she can be, not ashamed that she's about to cry but knowing she can't in front of Jake. He's the one who lost his house and best friend. It isn't her place to cry, to be scared. 

But she can still see her parents' faces as they told her he was in the hospital, can still hear her mother screaming as she sped through a stop light on the way there, vision so blurred the red light almost looked like the blinding sirens on an ambulance. She can't let anything terrible happen again.

A sob escapes her—short and scared. She immediately tries to muffle it with her hand but it must be too late. She hears rustling from the bed behind her and the sound of Jake's raspy voice saying, "...Brooke?"

She swallows another sob as she turns, a sunflower smile on her face. 

"Yeah?" she says, and it sounds so simple, so pure that she sees Jake doubt himself for a second. The flicker of confusion on his face at the distinctive difference in her smile and posture from the way it had been a second ago. She tries to smile wider—better he be confused than concerned. He already has too much on his mind, so much that it's spilling over the edges in the form of flashing nightmares and constricting lungs (she knows, even if he won't say it). 

"Are you okay?"

It might be the first full sentence he's said since the fire.

Brooke gets up from where she's sitting and needlessly wipes her hands on her jeans as if ridding her palms of the scary feelings creeping into the sunny spots of her soul. 

"Great! I'm a little hungry though, maybe we should head out and get some pinkberry? Or pancakes. I'm kind of in the mood for those. Maybe IHop?"

Just to avoid looking at him, she takes out her phone and opens google maps, scrolling through all the options for restaurants as if she isn't nauseated by the thought of not being able to take Jake anywhere too crowded because the noises might send him spiraling in a way it never would have before. 

She can take him for ice cream in the park if he refuses IHop. Make sure he eats at least something, even if it's unhealthy. He might like the cold of it, the complete opposite of the fire.

Jake nods and sits up a little straighter. He opens his mouth, intention clear in every movement. Brooke watches him carefully and braces for rejection. She can make something small here. Even if it's just a snack. She won't take the excuses, won't falter even though she knows it must be difficult for him to comprehend the idea of continuing on with life without Rich at his side.

But Jake says, "Can I have a hug?"

Brooke's not sure she wants him to feel just how uneven her breathing's becoming, but if it makes him feel safe, if it makes him happy, even if it's only for a moment, then she'll do what it takes. 

She sits on the edge of his bed and hovers, unsure if he really means this, especially because the burns (not nearly as bad as Rich's) on his forearms have yet to fully heal, but the second she's within reach he pulls her into his hold, arms circled around her waist and face burrowed into her hair. She can feel his lips trembling against the skin of her neck as he shifts so she's on his lap, as close to him as he can get her. 

He's shaking. His fingernails dig into the crook of her shoulder blades and she takes in a small, sharp breath suppressed by just how tightly he's holding on to her. With nothing left to do, she cradles his head against her chest and runs soothing hands through his unwashed hair. 

"It's okay," she whispers against his hair. She tries to kiss the top of his head but he's hanging on with such a grip she can't shift without disturbing him, so she kisses thin air and pretends he feels it. 

"I don't—" he chokes, and it takes Brooke squeezing him to get him to breathe again. "I dunno if I can come back from this one, Brooke."

Something terrible's going to happen. 

"What's that supposed mean?"

Her voice is trembling. She closes her eyes to try and stop the saltwater from burning. 

Jake nuzzles closer as he says, muffled by her shirt but not by sobs, "I could deal with my parents. Could—could handle living on my own. But he's—how could he—?"

How could he?

She knows Jake means it as a genuine question, but when the words wrap around her tongue she feels her stomach clench with an anger she's never come close to experiencing before. How could he do this?

"I don't know," she says aloud, "I really don't know, but it's gonna be okay. I promise."

"How?" 

And this time she can hear the tears in his voice, feel them on her shirt and in her hair, a stain against her skin she'd rather tattoo onto her than let forever reside alone on Jake's face. They're made of poison. His words are made of poison, and she wants them spat against her shoulder just to stop them from festering in his mouth.

"Well," she says. The lump in her throat tries to stop the words and fails. "We're going to decorate your apartment, and we're going to rehearse for the play, and we can buy Rich more flowers. And he's gonna wake up and explain why he did it, and you don't have to forgive him, but at least you'll hear him say he doesn't hate you, that there's some misunderstanding. And—and I don't know, but I promise— I promise you, I'm gonna make it okay."

He tries to pull away from her, but she has to hold him still for a moment longer to wipe the tears off her face before he has the chance to see them. When he does finally pull back to look at her, his face is puffy and swollen. 

"Really?"

"Really. Really, really, really. Nothing terrible's ever going to happen to you again."

---

i rlly told someone to draw richjake inspired by safe and sound by t swift then decided to fully take rich out of the picture and write brooke and jake instead. btw go listen to safe and sound i stared at the ceiling for like half an hour listening to it then sat up and wrote this. hope u enjoyed!! it's sad. I'm sad. Their relationship is great.

[luvrlixie]

KILLING ME SOFTLY

【REQUESTED】 - OKAY OKAY SJDBJSISH I WAS GONNA REQUEST A SKZ SEEING YOU IN THEIR CLOTHES OR SOMETHING BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT BINNIE SEEING YOU IN SHORT SHORTS AND HIS SHIRT WHICH IS LIKE HUGE ON YOU (ALSO THIS MAN IS DEF A THIGH GUY) AND MY MAN GOES F E R A L. SO. YOU LET HIM RIDE YOUR THIGH <33333

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tags: changbin x gn! reader, soft dom reader, thigh riding/dry humping, very soft, exhibitionism????????? idk they aren't alone in the dorm but no one walks in. not a lot of smut sorry y'all </3 mostly just sappy emotions.. but still nsfw... lit rally wrote at 4am and don't feel like editing lmaoo

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"seriously binnie! if you're gonna spend so much money on clothes, you should at least wear them. you have so many cute sweaters and the fact that they're collecting dust in the back of your closet is a crime."

changbin sat up and peered over the back of the couch as you entered the room. he was ready to shoot back a snarky comment but his words died on his tongue as soon as he saw you.

you stopped by the studio to visit him earlier, where he and the rest of 3racha were working on a track for the next album. you hadn't planned on staying long since you knew your boyfriend would be busy. but about 20 minutes after showing up chan was ushering everyone else out of the room, claiming that he had everything he needed from the other boys for now and that they both deserved a night off. any worries you or changbin might have had about chan overworking himself were immediately replaced by the realization that the two of you would finally have some time alone.

and that brought you to where you were now. standing in front of a blushing boy, wearing shorts and a long shirt of his that completely hid said shorts. you had decided to change after your boyfriend proposed that you spend the night. (at the time he was excited for movies and cuddles, but now it was an offer that he was starting to regret as he could already feel himself growing hard). the shirt you wore was one that changbin never put on due to it's size, he didn't think the whole oversized clothes style was really his thing.

but holy fuck it was yours.

"you uh- you look good."

changbin swallowed and you squinted. he was always a sucker for you wearing his clothes, but it was still odd for him to be turning so red just from seeing you in an shirt of his. luckily it didn't take long for you to notice the way his eyes wouldn't meet yours since they were focused on a different part of your body. you couldn't help but let out a little giggle. seeing you in his clothes might make him weak, but his biggest weakness was your thighs. he'd never exactly talked about your thighs in particular, but it was something that you had picked up on as your relationship progressed. you couldn't help but notice how changbin was always making sure to leave little marks on the inside of your thighs, and would jump at the chance to lay between them when he got sleepy, and how he would often pull out just in time to paint your thighs with his cum.

"like what you see?" you asked playfully as you took a few steps forward so you were standing in front of him.

"like what i- fuck yes... you're gonna be the death of me y/n."

you hummed in amusement, loving the affected you had on your boyfriend, and tangled a hand in his hair so you could guide him forward and let him press kisses on your thighs.

"mm seriously, on my gravestone it's gonna say your name after cause of death" changbin breathed out as he happily trailed his lips over your skin.

"that makes it sound like I murdered you, I'm not a fan of that"

you stood there for a few more minutes. finally moving away once you sensed that changbin was growing impatient. although you loved making your boyfriend beg, now was not that time for that. even though you moved to sit down next to him, changbin whined when you stepped away. knowing you, the poor boy was worried that you were gonna make him suffer through the whole movie with a boner. however, you had much different plans in mind for tonight.

with a smile, you slid a hand between his legs. "such a pretty noise, that little whine. wanna make it again for me?"

changbin's mouth went dry, he opened it to say something but nothing would come out. how were you always able to make him speechless? he did want to make that noise for you again. he wanted you to coo over how cute he sounded, but not here. not in the living room with minho still tucked away in his room, and with hyunjin and seungmin who were expected back at any minute.

"please, please let's go to my room. I need you."

you shook your head and started palming at chnagbin's crotch through his sweatpants, making his body go slack. "shh baby it's okay, calm down. I was just gonna let you grind against my thigh, let you get off like that. we'll be fully clothed so if anyone walks in it'll be pretty easy to play it off as cuddling or a makeout session."

that seemed to be all the reassurance that changbin needed. the way you were touching him paired with your soft voice was making his head spin. all he was focused on now was making you happy and chasing his orgasm. not even a second went by until he was moving onto your lap so he was facing you and straddling one of your legs.

"there you go! good boy."

you helped him settle into a comfortable position and pulled him close so his chest was pressed against yours and his face was buried in your neck. as changbin started to move his hips, you continued whispering words of encouragement and gentle praises since you could feel how tense he had gotten. changbin hadn't exactly done this before. and although the whole thing seemed rather self explanatory and he had gotten off by rutting against a pillow multiple times, he felt a bit self conscious with you watching his every move.

"It's okay bunny, there's no right or wrong way to do this. just whatever feels good." you whispered soothingly into his ear, catching the nervous look in his eyes and the way his movements kept faltering.

it was silly of him to be nervous, he realized. the safest he had ever felt was with you, and over the course of your relationship you had both tried out plenty of new things together (both in and out of the bedroom). thigh riding? this was nothing, you had certainly seen him in much more embarassing situations. so changbin nodded and finally started settling into a steady pace, trusting your words entirely.

every drag of his cock elicited a soft ah sound from the dark haired boy. luckily, you didn't have to worry about him being too loud. he was vocal and made plenty of noise, but always quiet whimpers and soft choruses of "oh"s. you could get him to be loud if you wanted to, you knew how. for now the tiny noises he was making was more than enough to satisfy you as you played with his hair and peppered his forehead with kisses. "there you go bun, bet it feels so good huh?" as you spoke you pressed your leg upwards, applying extra pressure to the whimpering boy's cock. the gasp he let out made your eyes widen in entertainment and you repeated the action, taking pleasure in how he squirmed everytime. "keep going little slut, don't slow down. doesn't my bunny wanna make a pretty mess for me?"

"m-more'" changbin panted.

normally you'd chastise him for not saying please. but right now you honestly couldn't care less. you just wanted your boyfriend to feel loved. wanted him to be as proud of himself as you are of him. so you smiled and pressed your leg up again, hands gripping onto his hips so that you can help guide his movements. "that song you were working on when I visited sounded so good. I know you've been working so hard on it. you're so talented baby, so amazing." changbin let out a sort of strangled noise and tightened his arms around you, pulling himself as close to you as he could get. the absence of words didn't bother you. sometimes changbin babbled on and on while you ruined him, telling you how good he felt and how much he loved you. while other times he just clings onto you, settling on a variety of whines to communicate. both were good.

as the familiar tightness grew in changbin's body, he focused on following the push and pull of your arms. if it wasn't for you guiding him he would have entirely lost his rhythm. knowing that your boyfriend was getting close, you started bouncing your leg and kneading his ass with one hand.

"changbin.. binnie, hey. c'mon let me see your face" you softly prodded, waiting for him to pull back. when he did, your heart squeezed in your chest.

he was so beautiful.

his lips were parted and his bottom lip was glossy and red from biting down on it too hard. his hair was sticking out in a few places, and his eyes were so full of pleasure. you could tell from the glassy look that changbin wasn't entirely present, his thoughts were elsewhere.

"m'gonna..." changbin slurred, hips twitching and back arching. you caught on immediately and softly grabbed his chin to make sure he didn't hide his face again, you always loved to see his face screw up as he comes. this time was no different.

"good boy, good boy let it all out for me"

you helped him ride out his orgasm and leaned forward to kiss him. not even caring that the kiss was messy and mostly just teeth since changbin was panting far too heavily to give you a proper kiss. when changbin's orgasm had finished washing through his body, you let him crash back into your chest. as you waited for him to catch his breath you rubbed his back and buried your face in his hair, giving him time to compose himself before talking.

"I love you binnie"

"..love you too y/n ... but seriously you're way too hot ... gonna die from sexiness overload"

[allycryz]

2021 Writer Round Up

We'll also call this a blanket response for any writer and round-up memes y'all tagged me in!

You've probably heard me say this before but....there was a large gap of 7 or so years where writing was a struggle.

The Galaxy series hung over my head...for many reasons. Some back and forth on the kink meme that birthed it made me change how I wrote the sequel in a way I regret. I worried that it being present tense and flowing so easily meant I would never be able to write in past tense again and every time I tried, I got tangled up. I worried that it flowing so easily meant I could only write canon retellings and nothing else.

There were private successes. I did technically finish two long-form original stories but could not shape them into workable things from the rough drafts. The rest were mostly unfinished tales or worldbuilding for a novel I couldn't get to work. And as I did more and more copywriting at work, I felt like I was losing what little ability I had to be descriptive.

I think part of it was...I had to grow. Look, I am proud of a lot of the things I wrote in my early twenties, even some of the things I wrote as a teen or pre-teen. But there is a wide gap of understanding between Old Me and Current Me, just as in ten years I will look back at 2022 Ally and think "oh wow, Ally, oh wow." There were ways I had to change to actually write the stories I wanted to write. I didn't have the tools or experiences before.

In 2020, I was playing the (award-winning) Heavensward expansion and was struck by an idea for a fic about Haurchefant and Nerys. I'd never written a specific player character before, always making sure to call them Tabris or Shepard or Hawke. But it seemed to be a thing in the fandom and also I figured I wouldn't finish it, as I hadn't finished anything.

But I did. And I had other ideas.

And I kept finishing them.

And here we are in 2021, my Haurchefant/Nerys fic having sprung a whole series of (ongoing) one-shots, leading me to other one-shots and AUs, doing writing challenges, and able to tell myself "you wrote a sentence today and that is more than you had before."

So here it is, my 2021 in review:

Tumblr Prompts/Asks

I did a lot of these this year! They should all be in the tag #ally writes on my tumblr, here are some of my favorites

Did We Break the Bed?: OT6 Shenanigans, FFXIV, Lemon

You're Exhausted: Haurche x Emet, FFXIV

Caught in the Rain: Thancred x Nerys, FFXIV, Lemon

Open Your Eyes: Emet x Y'shtola, FFXIV

All You Are to Me: Nerys x Estinien x Aymeric, FFXIV

Challenges

WoL Challenge: I used some of the prompts from the January WoL challenge but didn't strictly follow it. Some of these I have already used in larger story drafts, others will be, some may remain as little shorts

[Full List Here]

FFXIV Write 2021: "I might do one or two of these" I said to myself before doing most of them. My goal going in was celebrating Thancred in all his polyamorous bisexual glory and I am pretty happy with how that turned out. Also was able to work on some scenes for upcoming stories and play with different AUs

[Full List Here]

Rare Pair Month: Someone on Discord mentioned that Zenos and Emmanellain were the same age, which spun out into a conversation about how they might meet...which led to this AU where they met at school and ran off together and now I ship this wholeheartedly.

Read as steel bends to flesh

Daughter of Gelmorra

My on-going FFXIV series of one-shots about Nerys Eluned, her life and her loves. The bulk of these were posted in 2021...but also many of these were written in 2020; then left to marinate in the drafts

[Read the Series Here]

Other 2021 Works:

FFXIV AUs:

Revise, Revise Again: Modern Eorzea AU, Thancred/Nerys/Urianger, Rated E

Storybook Lovers Surround: Canon Divergence/Arranged Marriage AU, Thancred/Nerys/Emet, Rated E

FFXIV One-Shots (These are Nerys canon but not officially in the series)

heavy is the collar: Aymeric/Nerys/Estinien & Urianger, Rated E, Kinktober prompts: Kinktober Prompts: Voyeurism | Breeding | Roleplay | An Important Meeting

Eld/Dread: Fatebreaker!Thancred/Nerys/Hades!Emet, Rated E, Monsterfucking

Gift Exchange Fics:

lapsus memoriae: Cid x Lucia, post HW, Rated T

we rode into the sunset (and back again): Tali x Liam Shepard x Miranda, Rated T

Prompt Lists

Back in December 2020, I wanted to make prompts for the month that were not holiday focused. And I realised...I really enjoy making prompt lists for peeps

Spicy March Prompts

Saucy Summer Prompts for August

Kinktober 2021

So

If you've ever commented or liked or reblogged or sent me an ask...

...truly, deeply, thank you. I literally could not have done this without y'all.