#i write so many ... 'perceived difficult' woman

[zmeydeva-arch]

people say misogyny has improved in the rpc and at large i would say sure but my god... the way some of y’all talk about your “best boy’s” canon female love interests just oozes hatred. you don’t keep that energy when the tables are turned and your male fave is actually the one acting up in the relationship. i think it’s totally fine to dislike a canon ship and choose to disregard it in your portrayal because you don’t think it serves the way you want to write your muse. although, when that choice is based on the fact that you are painting a woman as “abusive” when she maybe is, at best,  a little mean to the man in question you gotta step back and think about why you are interpreting her that way. also funny that two men can banter and you think that is cute and flirty but god forbid a woman get a bit quippy, now she is a villain! 

[kaermorhenatnight]

Light in the shadows

Rolan smut, NSFW, minors don't interact, please 

Huge thanks to @commander-krios for proofreading and for all of the comments, suggestions and corrections! You’re amazing!

Rolan x fem!reader smut, Reader is one of the tiefling refugees from Elturel, afab, she/her. No y/n used. She's been friends with our favorite tiefling bachelor and decides to make her move during the tiefling party that they should have after act II. Tav appears and is gn (they/them)

CW | spoilers for acts I and II with mentions of violence, cursing, p in v, oral (m and f receiving), fingering, spells used for sex (including detect thoughts – consensually), Rolan's POV for a moment, biting and hickeys, tail play, Rolan is insecure about his body at first, dom Rolan, dirty talk, edging, Karlach x Shadowheart makes an appearance because I love them

Word count | 5,5k

Note: I tried to keep the spells as correct as possible (including components, duration and spell slots) because I am fun like that. If I messed something up about that please let me know! English is my second language so any tips and corrections about my writing are more than welcome! 

Read on Ao3 here

Enjoy!

It was a nightmare. All of it. If not for blood pouring down your temple, sharp pain in your side and pounding in your head, you could pretend it was all a bad dream, that you would soon wake up from. Saying the shadow-cursed land was unwelcoming would be an understatement, but the attack... The screams. Zevlor, the calm, brave, strong Zevlor, just froze. Cal, Lia, and many others were dragged away. Others were bleeding out in the dirt. Some of you tried to fight, Rolan yelled to fall back, protecting the kids with everything he had. If not for his well-aimed spells, and the fight Cal and Lia put up keeping the cultists busy, none of you would have made it to the unexpected sanctuary of Last Light Inn. 

Rolan took care of your wounds as best as he could. Despite your protests, he convinced the lovely cleric, Isobel, the woman responsible for the safety of the Inn, to come downstairs and lend some of her magic to help with your head injury. 

Even though he went to great lengths to ensure your comfort, you could see all of his thoughts were preoccupied with his siblings' kidnapping and his perceived guilt in their capture. He was drinking himself numb, screaming at the kids who were just trying their best to show gratitude for all he'd done. He even lashed out at Tav when they offered help. Luckily for all of you, Tav not only brought Cal and Lia back safe and sound, but they also found, saved, and sent back to the Inn a slightly tipsy Rolan, who had disappeared to rescue his family on his own without accepting any help.

He did apologize to Tav afterward and thanked them for saving his ass, but gods, you and his family had to force it out of him with threats of violence.

You weren't that close before. You were good friends with Lia back in Elturel. It’s how you met him the first time. You liked him. He was fun to be around, although you would never feed his ego by telling him that, or risk being mercilessly made fun of by Lia, by sharing it with her. He was smart and funny, even if a little snarky and grumpy. You thought it was only natural that the difficulty and stress of your current situation brought you closer together. It didn't mean anything. Although you couldn’t help noticing him not being that attentive towards anyone else after all of you got to safety and could tend to your wounds. But you didn't want to give yourself hope. You couldn't. Life was difficult enough without getting your heart broken if you let yourself believe he might feel about you how you feel about him.

Right?

After what you heard was a terrifying and exhausting battle, the curse devouring this land was finally lifted. The sky started clearing up. A small party sounded like a pleasant idea, not unlike the gathering you held at Tav's camp after they helped you back at the grove.

And now you sit here, wine bottle in hand, watching with glee as everyone laughs and dances, celebrating the victory and honoring the fallen. Tav told you the truth about Zevlor. You can't find it in you to be angry at him. Honestly, you are just happy he survived and escaped. 

Cal and Lia are on the other side of the room laughing, bothering Rolan about something. He lets out a frustrated groan, but the music of Alfira’s lute and the noise of conversation around them drown out what they are saying. You just look at them, smiling, happy to see them safe, happy to see Rolan relaxing in his own way, with his family by his side.

───  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ───

“Come on, she's been pining for you for so long. And she's not subtle about it either. How can you not see it?” Lia is a little too loud for Rolan's comfort but everyone around them doesn't seem to notice anyway, in the haze of celebration. “I mean, I know I'm pretty great, but she wasn't coming to visit so often just to see me.”

“That’s a lovely tale, but I would appreciate it if you stopped spinning it. You are seeing things that are not there.” 

“Gods, you are the dumbest smart person I know.” 

“Are you also gonna pretend,” Cal chimes in, “your tail doesn't sweep the floor like you're a godsdamned kitten when she's talking to you?”

Rolan groans, hiding his face in his hands, trying to feign annoyance, while his cheeks and ears burn.

The truth is he couldn't believe you'd ever even look at him. In his eyes, you were a strong warrior, someone who he had once seen kill two people with one swing of a sword. Powerful, strong, courageous. And he's just a scrawny wizard who keeps getting his ass kicked. While he appreciates his siblings' attempts to support him, the amount of faith they are putting in his chances is ridiculously unrealistic. 

He's going to try, one day, when he might have a chance. But he's not going to delude himself that he has it now.

───  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ───

“Unless you are casting a sending spell, I don't think he's gonna be able to read your mind.” Tav sits next to you and nudges your shoulder, pointing at Rolan with a quick nod. “I’m sure Cal and Lia, as happy as they are to be reunited with him, won't mind if you steal your boyfriend for an hour or two for some… relaxation… upstairs.”

What?

“What?”

“Hey, I know there's not much privacy on the road and this might be your last night under a solid roof for some time. I imagine it must be hard for couples to spend quality time together in such circumstances.” They don't sound like they're teasing. In fact, Tav sounds painfully sincere and supportive.

‘Couples’. 

‘Boyfriend’?

“I— I'm not… I mean… We…” You trip over your own words, not sure what to say. “We are not a couple.”

“Oh.” The surprise on their face is confusing you. Why would they think you are a couple? Were you that obvious with your crush that they just assumed this level of openly shown adoration must mean an established relationship? That would mean Rolan must see it too. What if he starts pushing you away, displeased with your feelings for him? “Well, apologies for assuming.” They rub the back of their neck, clearly embarrassed. “I just saw how attentive he was… and the way Cal and Lia were talking about you… Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It's alright, no apology needed.”

You sit in silence for a moment but it keeps bugging you.

“What did Cal and Lia say?”

“Well, how happy they are that Rolan and you ‘found each other’ and how ‘less unbearable’ he is when you're around… Like I said, I didn't know they meant friendship and it was rude of me to assume.”

Oh. 

“I see,” you say and turn to look around the room. No matter how hard you try you can't not think about it. You would think the two of you were a couple if you heard them speak like that. It spreads warmth in your chest knowing Rolan's siblings see your influence on him that way. Your thoughts might be too obvious in your expression because Tav nudges you again.

“You wouldn't mind that though, huh?”

Your skin is naturally red. Usually, it’s hard to see blush on your face, but now you are convinced a blind person would notice.

“Don't be embarrassed. There’s enough darkness in the world to be negative about, some love here and there is what truly makes everything worth it.” They smile at you with encouragement. “And… he has been staring at you throughout our entire conversation.”

You look up and the moment Rolan's eyes meet yours he looks away, his face slightly darker.

“I know it's not my business and far be it from me to mingle in your love life… but it's rare to have a moment of peace like this. Go talk to him, enjoy the celebrations.” They get up and wander off to talk to other people. After all, they're the hero of the hour everyone wants a piece of. Again.

And…they're right. You probably won't try to make a move, but you can't let your confused heart stop you from spending time with your friends. Especially after all you've been through. As soon as you walk up, Lia puts her arm around you and hugs you.

“I thought you were gonna sulk there alone forever! Is your head acting up again?” she points at the almost-healed wound on your temple. 

“Oh no, I can barely feel it.” 

You smile. It's nice. Cal is leaning against the wall, wine bottle in hand. Lia is holding you with her arm around your shoulders. 

You start with small talk, but in your current situation, weather and gossip don't really hold up. But as soon as Lia mentions the upcoming threat of the Absolute army, Cal steps in.

“We can discuss it tomorrow. And the day after that. Today, let's talk about nice things. Like Rolan finally getting that big boy job in Baldur's Gate.”

Up until now, you tried not to pay too much attention to Rolan, being very self-aware of your gestures, but now you can do it unsuspiciously. There is something in the way he is leaning against the table, in his relaxed posture, in the lazy smile, that is making you melt a little.  

“Oh yes, it almost makes me want to treat you with more respect,” Lia laughs, poking Rolan in the ribs with her finger. “The Great Wizard Rolan of Elturel!”

“Ha… ha… love the respect.” Rolan rolls his eyes and straightens his robe where she wrinkled it slightly. You can't help but follow his hands’ movement with your eyes, wishing to feel them on your skin. 

What is wrong with you? You are trying to have a conversation and your mind just wanders off into territories you would prefer not to explore in a room full of people.

“I did say ‘almost’.”

Your eyes meet Rolan's again. He smiles, almost shyly, and his cheeks darken. You fight the urge to look away. Maybe thanks to Tav's encouragement, maybe because of the wine, you hold his gaze and return the smile. 

“Well, look at that,” Cal says loudly and hurriedly finishes the wine in his bottle. It takes him a few chugs, too many to be fully comfortable. “My wine is finished. Lia, wanna go get some more?” He gives his sister a look that you cannot fully decipher before they both walk away, leaving you and Rolan alone. You move to stand next to him, taking Cal’s place by the wall.

“It's good to see you feeling better,” he says, shifting ever so slightly like he's trying to stand closer to you. 

“I could say the same thing about you.” You catch yourself moving closer. “You were a wreck without these two.” 

“They're… they're family.” He looks down, his fingers clench on the edge of the table, and his brow furrows. Even after everything, he still blames himself.

“I know.” You give his hand a sympathetic squeeze and his entire body tenses. Oh shit. Did you overstep a boundary? “Sorry,” you mumble, panic taking over your body as you move your hand away, trying to take a step back, but Rolan reaches out to you quickly and takes your hand in his. 

“No! No, it's… thank you.”

He doesn't let go. You are only holding hands but it feels more intimate than anything you've ever done with anyone. Gods, you want him. You want to be close, to hug him, kiss him. You want to let him know how much you care, how dear he is to you. And if not now, then when? If he doesn't reciprocate, so be it. You are adults. Your friendship can survive a moment of embarrassment.

You take a step towards him, put your free hand on his chest, and press a kiss against his lips. You brace yourself for rejection as you start to pull away, but he doesn't let you. He puts his hand on your cheek and pulls you back in. 

Kissing him feels right. Like his lips were made to be on yours. Like his hands belonged on the curves of your waist.

You are careful at first. Just relishing in the softness of the gesture. But when he parts his lips and you feel the warm flash of his tongue on your bottom lip, you are gone. Your hands find the front of his robes to pull him even closer. For a moment, you forget where you are but a heavy arm falling on your shoulder painfully reminds you.

“You two should get a room.”

You turn, letting go of Rolan in panic, but when you see the smiling, heavily intoxicated face of Karlach, you relax. “Get it? Cause we're in an Inn!” She laughs joyfully, swaying on her feet, and then wanders off, not even trying to walk in a straight line. 

“Ugh, they are going to be so obnoxious about being right.” Rolan rubs the bridge of his nose.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, Cal and Lia were trying to convince me… uh— that you…” he pauses and all of his confidence leaves him. But you are starting to understand and it makes your hearts flutter.

“I like you, if that's what you're getting at.” You spare him the embarrassment. “I really like you, Rolan.”

“Well, I gathered that.” He smirks and touches his mouth. “Do you… want to go upstairs?” He glances at Karlach who is now wrapping her arms around Shadowheart. “To ‘get a room’?”

You laugh and grab his hand. 

“Sure, I'd love to.”

He pulls you behind him towards the stairs. “Have fun!” Lia says to you as you pass her by, and Rolan cringes, avoiding her gaze. 

As soon as you leave everyone's line of sight, Rolan turns and takes your face in his hands.

“If I had known…” He is so gentle, fingers barely grazing your skin. His eyes wander around your face, drinking you in. “I wanted to wait until we got to Baldur's Gate and I became a wizard's apprentice and… when I'd finally be somebody… I would ask if you'd allow me to court you.” 

“Rolan, what are you talking about?” You place your hands on his. “You don't need validation from some stuck-up jerk in his stupid tower to be somebody.”

“Actually, the Ramazith Tower is quite impress—”

“I adore you,” you interrupt. “You. Not what you can do or what you can become.” 

You feel dizzy. He's so close. 

He kisses you again. Slowly. Purposefully. His tail wraps around your leg and pulls you even closer. You whimper as the tip, you're not sure if it's accidental or not, strokes the inside of your thigh. Rolan pauses for a split second before repeating the motion, this time definitely on purpose.

“Fuck— Rolan… I'm sure there's an empty room here somewhere,” you whisper, leaning your forehead against his shoulder. “I— Someone will hear us.”

“Well, if you can't stay quiet…” You can almost hear his smug smile before you feel his tail loosening its grip, getting more freedom of movement to climb up your leg and grind against your cunt.

You press your face into his chest in a desperate attempt to muffle a moan that is forced from your throat. He steadies you with a firm grip on your waist but doesn't stop.

You can't talk, you can't think, you can barely breathe. He has you wrapped around his finger and he hasn't even taken your clothes off yet. Every stroke brings you closer to release and makes it harder not to cry out in pleasure. You muster all of your self-control to grab his tail and move it away from you. 

“Let’s find a room,” you say, voice hoarse. “So I can get you out of these robes and make you see stars.”

He swallows hard and tugs on your arm to lead you to a door in the corner. The door seems stuck at first, but one strong push gets it open. The room is not in the best state, most of the furniture is broken and scattered across the floor. The bed, except for dust and a few broken pieces of wood on top, is holding together pretty well though. A quick spell and a flick of his wrist from Rolan cleans the sheets enough for them to be almost presentable and even smell like lavender and vanilla. Flames appear on the candles that are still left on the walls.

“There are some advantages to bedding a wizard,” he says with a confident smile. 

“I can't wait to learn what the others are.” 

He places one hand on your cheek, pulling you into another kiss, and the other hand travels down until it stops between your legs. Him palming you through your leggings is enough to make you whimper. When he starts moving, his fingers circling your clit, your knees buckle underneath you and if Rolan didn't catch you, wrapping his arm around your waist and anchoring you against his chest, you might have fallen.

Even through the fabric, with movement restricted by both of your bodies pressing against each other, he brings you achingly close to release.

“Rolan… I— Gods…” Your breath is reduced to huffs and whimpers. He eagerly muffles them with a kiss so hungry and sloppy, it's all tongue and teeth clashing. 

“Let go,” he whispers, breaking the kiss and letting you come up for air. “I've waited so long to see you come undone in my arms.”

 As aroused as you are, the dry friction of the fabric becomes a little uncomfortable. You can't think of anything other than how much you want to get rid of all the clothing that separates you from Rolan right now.

“Take off your clothes then,” you say, shifting a little to move away from his touch. “And fuck me into tomorrow.”

You think you see his jaw tense up a little, but can't be certain in the dim light. 

He leads you towards the bed and sits next to you, helping you get rid of your clothes, but when you gently tug on the hem of his robe he nudges your hand away.

“What's wrong?” This time you are sure something is bothering him.

“It's nothing,” he assures you, but his posture and tone of voice betray him.

“If you don't want to do this, you don't have to… I mean, obviously, you don't have to, but… I mean— I don't want you to feel pressured.” 

“It's not that. I… really want this with you. I promise I will make you feel good.” He looks down and whispers to himself. “I just don't want you to see me.”

You know there's a lot of insecurities under Rolan's confident facade. He acts arrogant to hide how unsure of his abilities he is. He worries that Cal and Lia not being his blood means they don't see him as real family. He doesn't believe he is worth something in your eyes, or anyone else’s, until he proves himself in the city. 

Despite all of that, you would never assume he felt insecure about his body. You always thought he would consider any focus on the physical appearance beneath him.

“Rolan... why?”

“I'm not exactly the… physical-prowess type. I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed with what you see.”

“I could never be disappointed with you. With anything about you.” You tangle your fingers with his and place a kiss on the back of his hand. “You can read me.”

“What?”

“Detect my thoughts. At any point, you can look into my mind. No need to warn me or even ask. Just look.”

You are scared. Scared that your feelings are going to overwhelm him, that they would be more than he is in for. But he needs to see for himself the way you feel about him.

“Are you serious?”

“Deadly.”

Rolan stares at you for a moment, wrestling with his thoughts, before leading your hand toward the clasp at the front of his robe. 

With shaking fingers, you help him out of his robes and then the shirt underneath. You want to memorize every inch of his skin you uncover. You want to kiss every part of him. Feel every part of him. You slide off the bed and settle between his legs. He watches you wide-eyed as you unbutton his pants and pull his cock out. 

You start slowly, licking the tip  before moving up and down the shaft. Rolan lets out a ragged breath, clutching at the sheets. When you suck the tip into your mouth, he whimpers softly. But it's not enough. For you anyway. You want to feel him hit the back of your throat. Choke on him until tears stream down your cheeks. You want him to completely ruin you. 

Your hands wander, stroking his thighs and then his stomach. Tracing the infernal ridges, you relish in the softness of his flesh as you dip your head down until your nose brushes his navel. Your throat contracts around his cock and gods, you love the sounds that he makes. 

When you pull away briefly, only to dive right back onto his cock, Rolan shifts slightly and you hear shuffling of fabric where his discarded robe lies next to him, as he pulls a piece of copper from a pocket. Then he whispers words of a spell and you feel tingling in your head. You look up. Rolan's eyes are set on yours. 

You allow him in your mind. Let him see everything. All the lust and yearning. How you try so hard to burn the view in front of you into your memory forever. The view of his chest raising with heavy breaths as you continue to suck his cock; Muscles in his forearms flexing under prominent veins; His soft stomach you want to lick and kiss and leave bite marks on. He was scared of undressing because his body is not built like a brick house but gods, and now also Rolan, know it's not what you want, not what you need. Every single part of his body sends shivers of lust through you. You want him, need him, in every way possible.

You drag your tongue against the side of his cock. You can feel his presence in your head fading as his focus falters and then completely disappears when you suck in your cheeks and take his whole length again. Tears form in the corners of your eyes in reaction to the gag.

Rolan caresses your cheek, pulling you away and wiping your tears with his thumb. 

“I— Wow.” He helps you up and pulls onto his lap. He's holding you close, one hand gently scratching your back and the other gripping your thigh, his face awestruck as he stares into your eyes.

You hoped hearing your thoughts would put Rolan's mind at ease, but it did so much more than that. You can see a sudden surge of confidence that you didn't expect, even in him. He roughly grabs you and pushes you down on the bed, caging you with his arms. 

“I am going to make you beg for me.” His voice is almost a growl in his throat. He lowers himself and without any further hesitation, dives down your body, his tongue pressing flat against your clit.

It's so much better than anything you imagined, and you imagined a lot. Every lick, every flick of his tongue sends a burning hot jolt of pleasure from your cunt through your entire body to the tips of your fingers and toes. You dig your nails into the sheets, trying to ground yourself. You buck your hips, begging for more friction, more pleasure, more.

You feel the tingling in your mind again and let him in immediately. 

The coil in your stomach is getting tighter and tighter and you can feel that if he keeps going like that it will soon snap. That's when he stops. Raises his head and looks at you, smug and a little mischievous. He knows what he did. 

“Rolan, what the fuck?”

“You need to be patient. I will take care of you, I promise. But I want to take my time.” Before you respond, his head is back between your legs. The spell connecting you fades, but he doesn't need it anymore to know when you are close. He listened to the change in the pitch of your moans. The slight difference in the way your body tenses. And he's always been a quick learner. 

The buildup is even faster this time, and again, he brings you painfully close to release before stopping. 

“You're mean,” you whimper, tears now streaming down your face.

“A little.” He chuckles but goes back to work immediately after he sees your muscles relax a bit. His grip on your thighs is unyielding, holding you in place so he can devour you. 

You can feel your orgasm approaching again and you don't think you can take the teasing anymore. You reach down and grab Rolan's horn, holding to it like a lifeline. “Rolan, please… I can't— Let me finish… Please…” Your legs are shaking, your body burns. You feel like you're going to die if he pulls away now.

He doesn't. When he can see how close you are, this time he just looks up to watch as you cum on his tongue, keeping the pressure and tempo going as you ride out your orgasm. He only stops when you push him away, high in the afterglow. 

“Hells, Rolan…”

“Told you I was gonna make you beg.”

“You fucking asshole,” you laugh, grabbing his hand and urging him to lie next to you. He complies, clumsily kicking his shoes and trousers off, cleaning his face that's still dripping with your slick with a quick spell. His cock is now digging into your thigh and he's littering your neck and shoulders with kisses. Gentle at first, then harder, with more teeth, leaving marks. You expected this possessiveness from him yet it still surprises you a little. He pulls your leg to rest around his hip. His tongue is soothing the bites and bruises he has left on your skin.

“Do you want to continue?” He raises his head and bucks his hips involuntarily, grinding against you.

“Fuck yes.” 

You turn to him fully, wrapping your arm around him and pulling him closer. His lips, kiss bruised, are back on yours. You flip him on his back, straddling him, his cock between your folds, the tip hitting your clit as you start rocking your hips.

His grip on your thighs is strong, desperate. He guides your movement, pressing his head back into the pillow. 

“Ride me,” he pleads, his nails digging deeper into the flesh of your legs. And how can you refuse, when he's asking so nicely?

You shift to press the tip of his cock against your entrance and then sit down taking him in one swift motion. He thoroughly prepared you with his mouth but the stretch still steals the breath from your lungs. 

“Hells,” you sigh, stilling for a moment to adjust to him. 

He whispers your name with a reverence usually reserved only for the gods. Then he whispers something else. A spell. And you feel a gentle pressure of the mage hand at your clit. You start rocking your hips and his cock starts pressing deliciously against all the right spots inside of you. He has to recast the mage hand every other minute but he does it without any delay, the moment it would disappear, it appears again, as if he's counting the seconds to make sure your pleasure never falters.

“Rolan, you fill me so well.” You don't even think about it, the words just spill from your mouth. But they don't go unnoticed. You can see Rolan's eyes darken as something changes in him. He grabs you roughly again and rolls over to be on top of you. The slow rolling of your hips is replaced by his thrusts. The first two are restrained, but then he picks up the pace. He steadies himself on his elbows, chest pressed against yours, breathing heavily in the crook of your neck.

“Say it again,” he groans into your ear. His voice is low, lustful. A demanding hunger, that mirrors your own.

“You make me feel so good— Gods…” Your sentence is cut short by a moan Rolan pulls from you, his mage hand steadily circling your clit. “I never want to stop doing this. You fuck me so well, Rolan.”

The sounds he is making are animalistic. His movement becomes erratic and soon you can feel him twitching, spilling into you. The warmth of his seed fills you and the sweet honey of his incomprehensible praises tickles your neck. The mage hand seems to flicker for a moment as Rolan's climax overwhelms him, but he quickly gets his bearings and the steady pressure on your clit is back. His cock is slowly softening as he pulls out, shifting to kneel between your thighs. You can feel his seed spilling out of you as your muscles contract and relax, grieving the loss of his cock. Rolan looks between your legs like he's hypnotized for a moment. Droplets of sweat are glistening on his chest, his hair is in disarray. He is so fucking handsome.

When you feel Rolan's fingers circle your entrance and then, carefully minding his claws, sink into you, the tension inside comes close to snapping again. Your back arches as you're inching closer and closer to release and then when it overflows you, your vision blurs, your whole body tenses and soon you are gently pushing Rolan's hand away, overstimulated.

As he pulls his fingers out, he casts a spell and you feel his seed disappear and your thighs and his fingers are clean and dry again. It puts your mind at ease, not having to worry about any surprises in a few months.

“I don't think I could ever get tired of that view.” Rolan cocks his head slightly, his gaze caressing your body. His tail wraps around your calf.

“Well, I could never get tired of presenting it to you.” You let out a breathless laugh, collecting yourself. You sit up and place a quick kiss on his lips. It feels almost out of place, the gentleness of it, after what you just did. Slowly both of you start putting your clothes on between the kisses and you want to ask if he would like to stay here or go back downstairs, but you don't get that chance.

The door opens with a thump as it hits the wall and two people stumble inside not even noticing you at first, their limbs tangled, their lips joined. You wouldn't even recognize them if not for blue flames engulfing the tall figure of Karlach accompanied by Shadowheart. Good for her. You see a flash when Dancing Lights is cast. 

“Oh shit, sorry.” Karlach laughs, when she finally notices you, one arm around Shadowheart, the other rubbing the back of her neck. You can hear Rolan behind you struggling to put his robe over his shirt and trousers faster. 

“Don't worry, we were just checking out.” You can't help but laugh. Normally the situation would be mortifyingly embarrassing but right now your heart feels so light you can't find it in yourself to be anything other than joyful. You grab Rolan's hand as he finishes tightening the last clasp on his robe, and pull him towards the door, grabbing your jacket from the floor on your way out. “Have fun!” You manage to say before the door shuts behind you. The muffled noises you hear from inside the room tell you they definitely were planning on having fun even without your encouragement.

“Well,” Rolan clears his throat, trying to regain the scraps of his dignity. “That's a less-than-ideal ending to our evening. But I'm sure there are many more evenings to come.” It's not a statement, not really. It's a question. And even though he's smiling, you can see a hint of panic and insecurity in his eyes. You grab his hand. It feels so nice to be able to do that.

“Of course. You are not getting rid of me that easily.” 

His smile of relief could melt even the coldest heart of stone.

[juvnvalen]

I am eating your writing because it's so good- can i ask for a ToothFairy yandere profile? Thank you if you decide to do this!!

This is super ooc, but that's okay, because i am baller. And thank you! :3 I have so many requests I need to do lol Also! Added a few characters to my write for list (changeling :3) Pairing: Tooth Fairy x GN Reader TW: Mentions of non-consensual touching, Kidnapping, NSFW, ooc behavior, and Yandere themes. Credits for template: @/Cinnamonest

♡What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Tooth Fairy is very deceiving with how she approaches courting you, she’s able to keep her sparks of jealousy to herself for the most part, preferring to go about charming you as any average person would. It’s difficult to look past her gentle demeanor, she’s skilled at keeping her true intentions hidden from you.

She has a tendency to stalk you, whether the two of you are in a relationship won’t sway her to stop either, she prefers to keep a watchful eye on you. Chances are you won’t ever know of her trips to your bedroom late at night to observe you, her lips only daring to occasional graze, not daring to wake you. ♡How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

She’ll try her best to hold out on taking, but if all her attempts to sway your heart fail, or she decides allowing you roam free is too much of a risk to your safety she’ll just take you. ♡How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Escaping her is difficult, but it’s far from impossible. She tries her best to keep you under her watch, but she’s a busy woman. While she’s away with her work she makes sure to keep you bound in place, your ankle firmly chained to the bed with little slack. Tooth Fairy makes sure you receive ample punishment for any escape attempts, dishing out both physical and mental discipline for any escape attempts. ♡How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Tooth Fairy is smart, chances are she won’t fall for any attempts to deceive her, she easily sees through your lies. ♡How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Tooth Fairy wants a normal domestic life with you, but since she can’t have that she’ll settle for as close as she can get. She’s happy to provide you with any requested items, as long as they aren’t a harm to you, as long as you keep up your good behavior. She is content to provide freedom to an extent, of course you aren’t allowed out of your restraints when she isn’t there to watch you, but otherwise you’ll be allowed to roam free in your shared home. Supervised walks outside are about as far as she’d allow for outdoor activity, most of the time your confined to the space you both share. ♡What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Tooth Fairy doesn’t expect much from you, as you aren’t with her of your own will, but she does want basic respect from you. She expects you to clean up any messes you make, though she rarely enforced the rule. Any mean words or physical threats towards her will be met with the silent treatment, although it is less of a punishment and more of her pouting.

Escape attempts are one of the only reasons she’d actually punish you, rather than any physical punishments, she just restricts your privileges and increases her security measures. ♡How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

She normally doesn’t like to bother with rivals, but if they are a threat to you she won’t hold back on removing them from the equation. ♡How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

Tooth Fairy is difficult to upset to the point of anger, but if you do manage it’s nothing more than her locking herself away in a room to rant her frustrations on the furniture for a little while. ♡Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

She sees you as an equal to her in some ways, but she can’t help but infantilize you when it comes to your ability to protect yourself. ♡How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

She desperately wants her love for you to be reciprocated to some extent, she won’t try to force you to have feelings for her, but she will try to gain your affection as best she can. ♡General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Tooth Fairy won't verbally announce her want for sex from you, but it’s easy to tell when she’s in the mood by her touchy demeanor. Sometimes it seems like she can’t keep her hands off of you, her hands constantly touching you in some way, whether it be a hand on your hip, shoulder, or the small of your back she’s almost always in contact with you.

She has a decently high sex drive, though she’s happy to stave her cravings off with her own two hands. ♡How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

She’s not forceful at all, she wants your first time together to be sweet and consensual. Occasionally on nights where she’s observing you in your slumber, she can’t help her hands wandering to places they shouldn’t, of course never further than sensual rubbing and soft groping. ♡What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

She’s not exactly vanilla, but she won’t attempt to fulfill anything too crazy unless you offer. Somnophilia is one of her main ones, she adores how peaceful you look as you rest and she can’t keep her hands off your lovely body. ♡What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

She doesn’t have a favorite part of your body, she just loves all of you so much.

♡♡

[neteyamyawne]

Inferno : Blaze ♡✦

Pairing : twin!neteyam x sister!reader x metkayina family

Summary : y/n and neteyam were inseparable twins but as they grew up things got difficult with humans coming back on Pandora, they both got distant and neglected by their own in the process, what would be their next step? (For more info click on the summary link)

Parts : pt1 pt2 pt3 pt4 pt5

• Series masterlist

Comfort ♡

❈ Warnings : mild to no angst, brother and sister Bonding, animal attack, injury, mention of blood, blacking out, fluff

❈ Word count : 4.4k , not proof read

"word" - dialogue

❈ Note : sorry for such a late upload, my laptop broke so i had to write the other half on my mobile 🥲

❈ Glossary : y/n - your name, y/i/n - your ikran name, Olo'eyktan - clan leader, ole ngati kameie - i see you, tsahik - clan spiritual leader, tsurak - warrior's mount, uthuru - request for refuge , atan - ray of light

We traveled for days, only stopping for naps and to let our mounts rest as well. The vast expanse of sea was sickening but we soared through it day and night. The dark blue of the sea Below me looked unforgiving and merciless, ready to swallow us both whole, as the fourth day passed, my legs were getting numb from continuous flying and it looked like eywa was not on our side, a storm brewed clashing against us, our bodies drenched from head to toe as we made our way through the pouring rain, the waves crashed below us, bashing into the tall rocks. Exhaustion tumbling over our mind but we refused to give in, stomach rumbling for more food but our packs have depleted and we needed to save the rest until we find a place to settle down for good.

Hours of flying later, the dark merciless shades of blue of the waters turned light and welcoming, signs of life showed itself as we saw a reef barrier with shores that glowed like molten sun in the light. We swirled around to see a good place to land, someone blew a horn, the vibration from it a recurring current. Seeing a soft patch of sand i signaled neteyam for the landing, our ikrans touched the sand, skidding to a halt, many natives surrounded us, it was irritating to have so many eyes on us but i swallowed it down, jumping down from my y/i/n, neteyam landed beside me, he walked forward a little, putting his arms up in a sign of peace. I went to draw my bow but he stopped me, shaking his head and I nodded back releasing my grip on it.

We both walked forward our hands up and frequently signing "i see you" to them, a swarm of vicious looking animals cut their way through the air towards us, they had riders upon them, the one in front having bright orange and red attire with a lot of tattoos adorning on his face and body, he jumped down from his ride, making his way towards us in long strides and in the moment it hit me, he's the Olo'eyktan, tonowari, i looked at neteyam and he quickly understood, nodding we both signed to him and said " oel ngati kameie, Olo'eyktan'' he signed back, his frame towering over us, the crowd parted as a woman walked forward, i knew instantly she was the tsahik as i saw her headpiece, her walk radiated confidence and i immediately gave my respect, neteyam followed suit, she circled us both, sizing us up, looking for threat but we gave her no reason to perceive us as such "what are you here for, children?" Neteyam answered this one "we seek uthuru, a place to call home" gasps and whispers peppered among the crowd, Ronal squinted her eyes at us " why, at such a young age, do you need uthuru? That to from a whole different tribe" i was getting tired of her questions and she hasn't even asked two of them. "Our own left us to fend for ourselves, now we seek for some semblance of a home to rest" i said, my voice low, i was tired of this, of running away, hiding everything. The tsahik saw through it, heard the exhaustion in my voice, I grabbed my right forearm with the other sighing heavily.

The leaders held a silent conversation, speaking to each other with their eyes, nodding tonowari walked forward and spoke " you will stay with us and learn our ways, starting from taking the first breath like a baby, our people will treat you as our brother and sister, be nice and you will be respected, my son, ao'nung and my daughter, tsireya will guide you through it, learn well " with that he departed, going back into the village, a girl who stood next to the couple came forward, she had a sweet smile on her face as she said "I'm tsireya, come I'll show you around the village" we both nodded, not saying anything we grabbed our stuff which was not much, walking on the bouncy path way, we met the ilu's and I'm not going to lie, those were so cute, tsireya showed us a tent, walking in she turned to face is "this your mauri, just three pods down, it's my mauri, so if you need anything just come in and I'll help you" she smiled softly, putting down the basket and walked after giving information about the learning sessions.

Throwing my bag down I say near the fireplace, my mind was in chaos, thinking of the worst possible outcomes of this decisions but I was brought out of my trance when Neteyam sat beside me, he held my hand in his and I couldn't help but ask " did we take the right decision, nete?" His eyes were conflicted, his thoughts mulled over the question, maybe we did make a mistake, running away like this but then Neteyam answered "maybe no, maybe yes, only time can tell the answer to that, atan" I sighed bringing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. He put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close and we sat there for a good while, reminiscing over our lost childhood home.

»»————-　⚜ 　————-««

I ran behind Tsireya towards the water, the pathway bouncing under my feet, I was still getting accustomed to the feeling, we both canon balled in the sea, laughing as we resurfaced, Neteyam and Ao'nung were already in the water, waiting for us both of them grumbling in annoyance at our tricks but we waved them off, it's been a week since we got here and it's been nothing but happiness filling our days, we still remembered our old life's, but it was in the past now, Tonowari welcomed us with open arms but Ronal was still distant to us, always giving us short answers with curt replies. Ao'nung wasn't any different always picked on our difference, like our thin tail, slimmer limbs, thin built but I just ignore him mostly and so did Neteyam, Tsireya backed us up though, hitting her brother on the head if she saw him teasing us.

The water was warm around our bodies, sunlight glinting on it, the shimmering light scattering across the place, Ao'nung walked forward, making a noise which I think is calling sound, a herd of ilu swam towards us, making the small clicking and whirring noises in their wake, my heart soared at their sight, they were such beautiful creatures, one of them made its way to me, I couldn't stop the giddy smile on my face as I pet it on its heads, it trilled at the head rubs I gave, Tsireya had to pull me away from the it as she began to give us some information about them "these are the ilu's, here we use them to travel, you can bond with several ilu's as they do not require a single rider" I nodded but my eyes were still on that cute beast "you might be good at the swinging but….owww" Ao'nung started but Tsireya quickly shut him up by a slap on his arms, rotxo laughing behind him.

Neteyam chose to try and ride them first, getting onto one of them, adjusting for better comfort, Ao'nung guided him to connect their queue, making the tsaheylu, the beast surprised at the sensation jumped a little but Ao'nung steadied it "mawey, yetu, mawey, Tam Tam" fixing the harness on the saddle, Neteyam sqiurmed getting in a better position, he leaned down patting the creature "good boy, yeah" but Ao'nung tsked , rolling his eye "it's a girl, skxwang" I laughed, while Neteyam looked at us sheepishly "ohh sorry-" but before he can talk some more Ao'nung started with the instructions "feel her breath, her heart, the strong beats" Neteyam closed his eyes, concentrating on the bond, soon he opened his eyes, nodding at Ao'nung when he was ready "move slow, think 'forward', ride slowly" , adjusting once again he commanded "forward" and the ilu darted ahead at full speed, taking Neteyam directly underwater, we dipped our heads inn, watching underwater as he was thrown of its back by the water current and force, I stood up laughing with Ao'nung and rotxo, Tsireya giggled at his demise.

He swam back, gasping for air as I beat my first against his arm, squealing in delight at his failure "good one bro, keep it up" doubling over myself as another fit of laughter bubbled up my throat, he just rolled his eye " come on, y/n , grow up" I tried to stop myself, pressing my lips together but then I made eye contact with Ao'nung, let's just say me and Ao'nung both ganged up on Neteyam for this one.

»»————-　⚜ 　————-««

Weeks passed by in the blink of an eye, Ronal was accepting of us now, Ao'nung tuned down his teasing a bit, we still had our own mauri, it was turning out normal, our new normal.

I sat with Tsireya, weaving and completing my song chord, a bead for each event that turned my life around, starting from a pearl I collected with Tsireya few days ago, weaving it into the leather in the memory of the day we left our clan, the day we finally spoke for ourselves, adding a small conch shell in the memory of finding our home here, one bead for each of the Olo'eyktan's family member, for their love and patience towards our learning skills, especially for tsireya for understanding me when nobody did, time went by with a wink of an eye, the sunset casting beautiful shades of oranges and pinks, clouds dusting the sky with glorious harmony, the bright light filtering through the mauri where me and Reya sat, she was weaving a top with intricate designs, i made a mental note to myself to ask for the pattern, as the eclipse got near we stopped our work, putting away the things, i rebraided my songcord back in my hair, and we made our way towards her pod for dinner.

We do not make our own food after the horrific incident of neteyam trying to roast a fish went wrong in every way possible, so Ronal very calmly scolded our ears off for approximately 6 hours before she ushered us to eat something. Though tonowari was amused at the ways neteyam tried to roast the fish, after that we were strictly forbidden from cooking so we ate at their place everyday.

Sitting down besides teyam, i nudged him to give me space even when there was plenty of room for me to sit down, this was just more fun, he shifted back giving me a pat on my head and smiled at smile, i looked at him one eyebrow raised at what this was about but he just shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly as if it was nothing, now that raised my suspensions, what the hell was going on? And why was I not a part of it?

As we all ate our dinner, ao'nung piped up "y/n, we found a good spot for hunting. Would you like to come with our group tomorrow? We're going there so i thought you'd love it" he smiled at me after that sentence, and my mind screamed at me that he was up to something, don't get me wrong, he was known to prank on us more than the other metkayina kids, so i was bound to be a bit doubtful but right now i had no choice but to say yes as both tonowari and Ronal looked at me intently and i nodded, giving him a smile in return "yeah sure, I'd love too" huh? Let's see how 'loved' this trip will be.

»»————-　⚜ 　————-««

We glided towards the "spot" ao'nung and his friends found, it's almost afternoon now, the sun blazing on our backs while the water did nothing to cool it down, this place was surrounded by high rocks, we have never been here before, nor have been this far from the shore either, i looked at ao'nung confused, he simply signed for me to go forward, and we all did, as we got to a round spot, rocks forming notches for the fishes to hide, perfect spot for hunting indeed, grabbing my crossbow, i dipped into the water, not wanting to cause disturbance, i moved slowly, looking back i saw ao'nung signing for a particular notch that hid a school of fishes, taking my opportunity i saw forward as cautiously as i can, as i got within the reach, i shot my arrow, making a Bullseye , i pulled back the rope attached to the arrow bringing the kill up with me, i whooped celebrating my kill when i turned around to see no one there, my surroundings total empty as they left me, i sighed, i knew it, they pranked me again!! Huffing at myself at how stupid i was to believe him, now i have to find my way back home, calling my ilu, i waited for her to come back, i mentally cusred ao'nung and his friends, Turning around when i felt soft current ripple in the water, thinking it was my ilu but before i could get a good look, something bashed into me, slamming me against the boulder, my head knocking against the rock, i was taken aback, gasping for breath, my back and head aching from the impact, vision blurring.

A scream shattered through me, as i felt a searing bite on my arm, by the tsurak that was attacking me, it twisted it's head tearing my arm open even more and with great difficulty, i turned myself enough to slam my hand into its eye, within seconds it's jaws left my arms as i was thrown back, the salt water burning the wound, the water tinted a deep red, when i actually looked around, my eyes widen in fear as many tsuraks surrounded me, then it hit me, the notches in the rocks, such lively schools of fishes and still no one came here to hunt, this was their nest, i was in the middle of tsuraks' nest, my blood ran cold as i saw the same tsurak that attacked me, made its way towards me, as a lightning strike i came aware that it chose me, it chose me as a rider and wants me to fight it, oh god why did i agree with ao'nung? I'm not ready for the right of passage by any means and i have fight this now? All questions evaporated when it charged towards me, and i dodged it when it rammed into the rock. I had to get this over with, it's either I do this or I die, and I won't go down without a fight.

Ignoring the burn in my arms, I dived deep, leaving a trail of blood behind me, making the tsurak follow me down. As I reached a good distance from the water surface, I turned around seeing the trail of blood I left, the way the tsurak followed it as well, the beast easily swam towards me, and I knew what I had to do.

I waited till it got near enough to pounce on it, grabbing it's queues and quickly pulling myself behind it, i wrapped my legs around its neck, gripping hard as i tried not to slip, but it had other plans just when we got above the water, it twisted, slamming me hard back into the water, the salty water flooding my nose and mouth, in reaction to that i yanked at its queue making it stop for a moment, and i coughed out the excess water, seeing my chance i knew i had to make the tsaheylu if i had to get out of this, quickly as possible i brought my queue in front of me, connecting them, the rush of emotions flowed through me, he was elicited to throw me off him, my grip on him didn't waver as he took of into the air, wings spreading wide, i tried to command him to fly forward but yet again he disobeyed me, dived down without giving me a chance to register, the water current almost shoved me off him but i was adamant to not leave him, in his free ride across the whole nest, i saw we were nearing a boulder, an idea clicked in my mind this was my chance to revenge, he needed to be put in his place, as we got nearer and nearer, i didn't do anything until the last moment, pivoting myself so sharply that he banged onto the rock with full force head on, after that collision he slowed down to a staggering pace, i sighed, finally, i send calming waves down the bond even when my arms felt like it was going to fall off, he calmed down, in the end accepting the bond, now his worry filled my mind, his guilt for the bite overpowering, even my own consciousness was slipping away minute by minute, i fend off to much time, i had to get back home.

Mentally telling him to take me back, but we were stopped by ao'nung and his goons, their leader immediately came up to my side but my mount growled at him, i was angry at him but i need medical attention, so being angry at him can be done later, my exhaustion trickled over me like a soft blanket, i knew i was going to black out, in a hurried voice i spoke "fish lips, i think I'm gonna pass ou-" but before i could even complete my sentence, my eyes rolled to the back of my head and i was pulled into unconsciousness.

»»————-　⚜ 　————-««

~ 3rd person pov ~

Ao'nung panicked, he never wanted this to happen, it was supposed to be a small harmless prank, he didn't knew it was a tsurak nest, now you were severely hurt and a tsurak makto , which was not supposed till the rite of passage, he cringed at the ear full he was bound to get when they return home.

Everyone gathered around you, taking you back, trying to patch up the blood but to no avail, by the time they got back, the ilu you were on was covered in your blood, your tsurak was trailing them, worried for his rider, Ronal was taken aback at the sight of your blood smearing everywhere, tonowari kept his face straight but he was just as distraught as everyone, puting you down on the mat, Ronal immediately got into work, her hands were shaking, she had patched up worst wounds than this on other warriors but in there few months you and your twin warmed up to her heart, it was never a pleasant experience when someone you hold dear, gets injured to a near fatal level.

As the tsahik worked, ao'nung explained what happened to tonowari and your twin, neteyam was scared to death, he blamed ao'nung but more than that he blamed himself, he knew ao'nung was making that plan to prank you, he didn't say anything because he wanted to get back at you for teaming up with him every time, but now he couldn't help but think how childish and stupid it was, he was angry at ao'nung for getting you in this situation, how could he be so reckless, how could he leave you to fend for yourself? He was your twin for eywa's sake! You two came into this world together and if something were to go wrong in the tent- he couldn't even complete he thought, he'd never forgive Himself for it. With every word ao'nung spoke his anger rose. Ao'nung tried his best to explain what happened but no amount of explanation could make this situation any better "father, it was an accident, we didn't know it was a nest, i-" tonowari had enough, to him you and neteyam were becoming a family, and he would not tolerate this kind of behavior, especially not from him own son "enough ao'nung, i expected better from you, you disappoint me" the boy was left speechless, but he accepted it, knowing the fault was his and only his to bare.

The whole clan was worried about you, tsireya almost fainted herself seeing your blood everywhere, Ronal did her best to sew the bite shut, a large scar would permanently form on your arm, neteyam sat outside the tent, not wanting to disturb the tsahik and tsarekam in there work but also didn't want to leave you side, it was way past eclipse when Ronal and tsireya finally got out, neteyam was quick to stand up, worry written over his face, Ronal sighed placing a hand on his shoulder "she is alright but she lost a lot of blood, it will take some time for her to recover'' Her voice was heavy with melancholy. Neteyam didn't hear the next as he stumbled into the tent, falling to his knees by your side, his heart constricted on the sight of your body wrapped in bandages, spots of blood peaking through them, lying so still on the mat. Tears lined his eyes, you were the reason he was living his best life, if it wasn't for you standing up for him, he'd still be stuck listening to his father's orders day and night, heart breaking into a million pieces he prayed to eywa for your recovery, laying by your side for the whole night, not leaving once.

»»————-　⚜ 　————-««

~ 1st person pov ~

I woke up from what felt like 500 years worth of sleep, the sunlight burning my eyes and i moved my hand to block it but it turned out to be a grave mistake as a blinding pain shot through it and i cried out, making me wince in pain, someone was beside me immediately, helping me sit up , the pain in my arm subsiding as it was lowerd back to its place gently, i looked to see neteyam, his smile radiant, the thoughts in my mind calming down at his smile and soon everything what happened in the last hours flashed back to me, while i remembered yesterday's events neteyam notified Ronal and tonowari, as Ronal got into checking my wounds, tonowari sat down in front of me and spoke in a low but firm voice "you fought with a tsurak, all by yourself, you have completed the rite of passage, even if you didn't know, you have proved yourself, you are one of us, you both are a metkayina now." I glanced at neteyam, who looked like he was about to burst from happiness, a smile plastered on his face from ear to ear, even i was shocked at tonowari's statement, we are what now? Even I couldn't help but to smile at that, he called neteyam to sit with me, blessing us both, Ronal was just as happy, it was turning the worst moment of my life into the best one.

Soon a celebration was held for my accomplishment, i knew it was an accident but i did the fighting myself so i deserve it too, tsireya danced with the others, her body gliding like waves with the music ,her top sparkling in the fire light, Ronal and tonowari sat together enjoying the celebration, i sat beside neteyam near the leaders, though i couldn't drink or dance with my arm wrapped tightly, i still bobbed my head to the beat of the songs, my tail swaying on its own, neteyam was in a similar state but his eyes were somewhere else, following his line of sight i saw ao'nung looking back at him, it was like they were holding a silent conversation, i knew ao'nung didn't meant that to happen, also that he didn't knew it was a tsurak nest but i was still angry at him, i nudged neteyam bringing him out of his "conversation", he sighed before he started " you know he didn't do it on purpose" i rolled my eyes at him "why are you defending him? He almost drowned me, i almost died bro, are you his brother or mine?" at that his ears went flat on his forehead, tail being tucked near his leg, eyes strained on the ground "i know, I'm sorry, i shouldn't have said it" now it was my turn to sigh, i put my head down, maybe i should talk to ao'nung, i knew he was sorry, so i placed my good arm around neteyam's shoulder, and said "you know what bro? You're right, I'll give him a chance, just because you want us to make peace" he laughed and nodded, helping me stand up.

I made my way over to ao'nung, he looked nervous at my presence, i mean anyone would be when you accidentally tried to kill someone and that someone is walking straight towards you, i gave him a gentle smile sitting down besides him, i spoke "i know ao'nung, you didn't mean it, maybe next time just check the area where you're gonna prank me in then this won't happen" we both laughed at that but after our laughter died down he looked at me seriously and said with guilt tracing his voice "I'm really sorry for this, i swear on eywa i was going to leave you alone for just few minutes before coming back, so when we left we didn't think this could happen, then finding you almost unconscious, i freaked out, I'm sorry please forgive me " i smiled at the apology, glad he had the decency to do that "it's okay skxwang, i accept your apology and i forgive you, but… you do have make my dinner for a week!" He groaned at that and I laughed at his misery but he agreed nonetheless.

Making my way back towards Ronal and tonowari, i sat down next to them while neteyam went to talk with ao'nung, i smiled at the thought of living here, a place to call home, a place where i knew i would be protected, Ronal placed a hand on my shoulder and i looked at her, her smile was soft as she said "you are family now, we will protect you" i slumped in my seat, staring at the fire, my heart was full to brim with content, a small smile graced my face and hope blazed in my eyes, we are not alone in this, not only do we have a home, we have a family, after months of trying to win their hearts we can finally rest and leave our past back and move on into this new life eywa has so generously blessed is with.

A/n : I'm super sorry I took so much time posting this, life was being bratty 😂 anyways let me know if y'all like it.

Yawne : @fanboyluvr, @callmeoncette, @lu-the-ghost-reader, @brisbriskett, @saltedcoffeescotch, @ducks118, @itscheybaby, @jackiehollanderr, @zoetrope1997, @yeosxxx, @persefolli, @im-in-a-pansexual-panik, @theycallmesia, @elijangwifey, @erosthefae, @reinap06, @neteyamforlife, @thatgirljas13, @killua2dot0, @ilovechickenwings, @kylobensgirl, @darling-imobsessed, @majathepapaya, @sweetirilly.

© Neteyamyawne 2023 | All Rights Reserved. Do not repost on other platforms, copy, steal, or translate any of my works!

[doberbutts]

(asking in good faith) do you not think any trans men experience male privilege, and if so, do you think anyone truly experiences male privilege, and if not, what do you think male privilege is, and what sort of man experiences it?

I think that the privilege conversation as it exists both online and in progressive spaces irl is extremely bastardized from its original context to mean “have” and “have not” rather than an actual complex look at what’s going on.

Do trans men have male privilege? On an individual level, at times, if perceived as men, an individual trans man may benefit from male privilege during a specific interaction. On a societal level, it very much depends, because the transgender part of his manhood impacts the way society treats him.

Is it easier for a trans man to have an abortion than a cis woman? No, in fact, it’s often harder. Is it easier for a trans man to receive government aid? No, again, it’s often harder. Do trans men win more of their court cases? No, most of the time they lose, if they manage to survive whatever encounter led them to court in the first place. Are trans men in STEM and other high paying jobs at similar rates to cis men? Are they there more than trans women? To the first, not at all. To the second, it’s difficult to find an exact number due to these high paying jobs almost universally requiring stealth or being closeted, but I’d wager it’s probably equal. Are trans men free from worry about rape or domestic violence? No, it’s often occurring at higher rates than cis women. Have trans men historically been free from being considered their family’s property to be sold to the highest bidder for their husband? No, in fact, some trans men still experience this to this day. Have trans men historically been able to perform male-dominated or male-only jobs? Not unless they were stealth, and if they were found out they were usually immediately jailed or killed. Have trans men historically been able to own property, have credit cards, or use bank accounts in their name? No, to the point where when this began to be challenged entire laws were written up to prevent this from happening. Are trans men free from the societal shame regarding menstruation cycles? Not unless they’ve had a hysterectomy or have some other reason to not menstruate, just like a cis woman. 

Has there ever been a trans man as president or otherwise leader of an entire country? Have any trans men held any meaningful office for long enough to actually create policy and write laws? Are trans men running huge multi-million or multi-billion dollar companies? How many CEOs are trans men? How many characters in the media are trans men- actual trans men, not “trans-coded”, not “probably transgender”, not “popular fanon trans”, but actually trans men? How many of them are played by actors who are trans men and not just cis women? How many religious leaders are trans men, and how many religions value trans men as actual men instead of as woman-lite or disobedient women?

Again, in specific situations, an individual trans man who passes in the moment may benefit briefly from male privilege. A particularly lucky individual may be able to live as stealth for the bulk of his life and never be questioned. But the mistake of considering “passing privilege” the same as “cis male privilege” is especially egregious when considering that this just isn’t the life of the majority of trans men- not even taking into account that many trans mascs are not men, they are non-binary, but they are being lumped in with men all the same despite not being men or passing as men at all.

I think all privilege, not just male, is highly conditional when in individual contexts and depends incredibly on the giver’s bias rather than the receiver’s identity. A gay man may have “straight privilege” if he is closeted, and may enjoy a life free from homophobic attacks due to being perceived as straight, but that doesn’t mean society at large somehow got better for gay people. It just means he had to hide in order to be spared, and I don’t think being forced to hide is a privilege.

Rather, I think when discussing who “has privilege”, it’s better to consider the broader picture of society rather than pointing at an individual and deciding for them how their life and experiences worked. Certainly, if that individual tells you, “I’ve never thought of [blind spot]”, that is an example of that person’s privilege. But I think it’s better to say male privilege is better shown in the examples I brought up, and how it’s societal, rather than pointing to someone you don’t know and saying “you’ve never had to deal with this”.

Especially when the discussion becomes warped to the point of “trans men received male privilege from birth because they’re men.”

[sleepynegress]

HELLO! I'm sorry you've been getting idiotic anonymous people being rude about Uhura. I saw your lovely post about her and it made me happy to see that people appreciate her! She is so much more than lots of fandom pretends. Also I high-key agree that Karl Urban absolutely nailed his performance of Bones. It was so dead on!!! Zoe's Uhura was lovely too but as you say, sharper around the edges, and personally I felt her relationship with Spock was very sweet but difficult initially for me because I really get stressed when one person doesn't get the emotional needs of another. So their really gentle scenes made me SO happy when they finally happened. The warmth and gentleness shone through and won me over entirely. Zoe played sharp with just enough warmth. But I still love Nichelle's too. Uhura is great! Anyway didnt have a huge point here just happy that you also love her and call people out LOL

The main issue is the misogynoir and perhaps TERF leanings against the most recent player in the part, Celia Rose Gooding. She is non-binary and goes by she/they pronouns. She also has a short close-cropped style which beautifully frames her face. The troll is hyper-fixated on attacking that, disparaging her presentation of femininity using coded language to imply aggression or masculinity. This is extra backward because, of the three players who took on Uhura, she has the darkest skin tone, has the fullest lips and a wide nose bridge, and her hair is the only one not in a straightened or processed style (which is fine for an option BTW). All of these things together are rare aesthetics for a Black woman, and appropriate, especially for an sub-Saharan African woman's character presentation, especially in a futuristic sci-fi mainstream iconic franchise, like Star Trek and so important for young people to see as normalized femininity. I think of Lupita Nyong'o talking about the effect Alek Wek had on her...just being there as this South Sudanese supermodel, with very dark skin and short natural hair...

Celia Rose is the particular target this troll has framed as their "fanhood", with thinly veiled insults and backhanded "compliments" that keep dogwhistling in their posts with various account names.

As for Zoe's Uhura, that professionalism and sharpness, when it came to her abilities and focus on her studies was an obvious intentional writing choice to stave off the very criticisms *she still got* because of the misogynoir of that era...

People were accusing her of coercing Spock into her ship assignment and even assaulting him(!).

That mess never makes sense, but hating Black women for existing or having what we are perceived as not "deserving" is sadly an old tradition (see those who make a hobby out of hating Megan Markle). And now, I see people praising the OG Uhura, Nichelle, for aspects of her character that were actually forms of limitations on her because of production bigotry...i.e. the forced interracial kiss, that people constantly cite as some forward thing w/o the context that it was forced because the implication was that no one in her crew would willingly kiss a Black person. IOW, aliens assaulting them for their entertainment was the lesser evil and more palatable to white audiences than someone choosing to love on Uhura (and I would add *especially* someone white, because even showing Black affection and love in that time was a rare thing, and her episode showing some yearning towards an old love showed no physical affection between them either). Anyway, all that to bring it right back around to ALL the Uhuras are great. And the weird microaggressions, macroaggressions, hatred, and attempts to shove them into a particular box are misogynoir; a microcosm of the kind of bullshit too many Black women go through on the regular just for existing.

Celia is a Rose and I hope she shines, gets loved on, has friends (including some Black ones) who are genuinely concerned for her well-being and actually help her when she's in need.

P.S. I missed this reading way too fast before but this bit is sus IMO Zoe's Uhura was lovely too but as you say, sharper around the edges, and personally I felt her relationship with Spock was very sweet but difficult initially for me because I really get stressed when one person doesn't get the emotional needs of another. If you meant Spock not reading Uhura? Then yeah, I agree. If you mean Uhura not reading Spock?? I can't walk with you there because Spock literally almost hindered Uhura's career and got her on an exploded ship(!) because of his emotional bias and almost killed Kirk on the bridge because he was not managing his emotions well. Meanwhile Uhura read him well enough to provide some comfort after the loss of his mother.

[melonteee]

Hello!!! I love your videos, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a question, but I’m really interested in what you think about this.

I’m writing a series of fantasy novels which has been in the works for about five years, so it’s a pretty significant project for me and kind of has my heart in a constant choke-hold.

Initially, I really struggled to understand my protagonist. She was like a complete stranger, chipped off from a bit of myself as all characters are. I knew she was bold, joyful, stubborn and would do anything for her friends, but she always seemed to be missing something fundamental.

Anyway, then I kind of figured out that I want her to be like Luffy. But Luffy is, as you know, far from a simple character, and honestly I don’t quite know how to base my protagonist off him without accidentally writing a female Luffy or missing out key aspects of Luffy’s character that would give my protagonist that ‘Luffyness’ that is just so incredible.

So really my question is: What is key to Luffy’s character, but more specifically, what are some traits that can be replicated to make a character feel Luffy-like without just being Luffy?

I really hope if you decide to answer this one you find it interesting to think about! I think we need more characters like Luffy and I want to be part of that.

Thank you!!

Boundless optimism is one trait Luffy has, but that's not just Luffy, it's a very shonen trait. But I've found Luffy differs because his boundless optimism comes from the fact he doesn't like thinking about anything, and he will actively not think to stop bad thoughts from swarming him.

His smile is the main one! No matter what, and no matter why, Luffy has a smile on his face! The only time he drops his smile is when he is enraged, such as the Drum Island scene where he's holding Dr Hiriluk's flag. Luffy's anger feels powerful because we know, without a doubt, Luffy is ANGRY. But these moments are used sparingly, otherwise the effect is gone.

Luffy's selfishness is a big one, he will do anything he wants no matter what anyone says. If you want a character to be like Luffy, they essentially have to work on automatic instinct of "I want this, I will get this." The reason this works for Luffy is because he finds a way out of the trouble he causes, ie getting imprisoned in Wano only led to him meeting new friends and growing further - even though that wasn't part of the plan. Luffy can make the most of any situation.

A major one is Luffy wearing is heart on his sleeve, to the point it's so difficult to have any sort of miscommunication with Luffy. He's honest and earnest, he physically cannot lie to save his life, and he will tell you what he thinks of you straight up. But, Luffy's view of a person can and will change, and he'll tell you when THAT happens too. He doesn't look down on nor up at anyone, and this stops Luffy from seeming conceited or annoying.

Luffy's strengths are also his flaws, hence why he collapses upon Ace's death, because his optimism and 'everything will work out' attitude didn't work. The second a bad thing happens, he cracks, and he cannot help but lose control of himself due to unbearable grief that he keeps bottled up. The same thing happened when Kuma vanished all the Strawhats in Sabaody and Luffy entirely broke down.

Good luck on your novels! But I will say, another difference is that Luffy is a man - of course. While there's no difference in genders or sexes as human beings, and while I wish everyone could be written on the same level, there's still a difference in how one is perceived depending on societal pressures and restraints. For example, Nami was told by Bellemere that "girls need to be strong too," showing us that Nami goes against the status quo of One Piece's world by not being a passive woman. These are reasons why I connect to Nami personally, and why many female fans love Nami and her character.

My advice is think about the societal structures of your world, who's on top and who's on the bottom, and if that will effect your main character in terms of struggles she may face or trials she must go through!

[cleoselene]

the top 5

So I'm not really a film buff. I like a lot of movies, but I'm a tv person. TV is my love, TV is where my passion is. And I've been mulling over the question of what are my actual top 5 favorite TV shows of all time?

I can tell you the top three easily:

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - uncontested favorite show of all time. Perfect characterization. Covers nearly every genre you can think of. Intricate, deliberate, patient storytelling. Gets a reputation for being the "dark" Star Trek but is still loads brighter and more hopeful than anything labeled "Star Trek" after 9/11. The writing is so strong, the characters are so lovingly crafted, there are over 100 incredible episodes to dig into. It doesn't overwhelm you with anything, when the story is very serialized, it gives you a break. When the story gets too intense, it takes a turn and gives you something lighter. I have SO MANY OPINIONS about how fandom kind of lets me down in its appreciation of this show but my appreciation of it is perfect.

Six Feet Under - beginning to end, uniformly wonderful quality. Claire Fisher and I went through a few too many of the same experiences as young women in the early '00s. I think if we're lucky, we find a television show that portrays experiences in a way that are true to us, and Six Feet Under speaks a certain kind of truth for me. Claire and I had the same cynical views, the same confusion in early adulthood, the same flirtations with sinister older men, the same asshole artist boyfriend who got us pregnant and then acted like when she/I had to get an abortion it was all about HIM. That complicated, painful relationship a young woman has with her mother, that's fraught with fighting and pain and a fierce kind of love. And the most perfect, beautiful ending in television history. My only complaint with SFU is that Nate Fisher is an incredibly difficult character to sit through on rewatch (and on first watch honestly) but I forgive it because through Nate we get Brenda, who is the Difficult Woman that fandom always claims they want to have to love but always hates when they get her. Brenda is amazing. I love Brenda.

Twin Peaks - a multi-decade obsession that I don't think I need to get into too deeply here because I have been fawning over it on this blog for months, but a few notes: This show takes a single tragedy and doesn't allow you to get over it, in a television landscape that encourages you to consume a new violence every week and then forget about it, Laura Palmer's death has lingers with us for over three decades because it should. It should be terrible and awful and painful. Twin Peaks also came about when crime media like Silence of the Lambs was telling us that the true evil scary bad guy was a crossdressing serial killer, when television soap operas coded crossdressing as a deviant, evil behavior, and said, "one of our explicitly coded good people is transgender." Twin Peaks told us that the killer is not some weird other, but as it is in reality, someone more familiar and mundane that we try to imagine is a terrifying monster to cope with the brutal mundane reality. And that's just the tip of a massive iceberg when it comes to what this piece of interpretive art is tackling. The wonderful thing about Twin Peaks is that you can read a million theories trying to define exactly what it's about and they can all be correct, because it's not just about consumable tv violence or trying to make monsters out of the mundane, it's about how we perceive our realities and so, so much more. The iceberg's depth is endless.

and then after those top three, I struggle to round out the top five. I have other shows I LOVE, but hesitate to put in with these elite three, for a variety of reasons. I love Star Trek: TNG and Voyager, but the uneven quality I think kicks them off the top five. Voyager has brilliance but some really dog bad episodes, TNG has some whole bad seasons.

HBO's "Rome" is an obsession that was so potent while it lasted that I am tempted, but it was a 2 season show and the quality fell off badly because the plot was majorly rushed in S2. I don't think it qualifies for top five, either.

My most recent sci-fi obsession is The Orville in that it really comes close to hitting the sweet spots the 90s Treks hit within the limitations of shorter modern television seasons, but I don't know if it's a complete work yet. I HOPE NOT. Season 3 was as beautiful and wonderful as modern television gets. It's got major top 5 potential.

Legend of the Seeker is up there with Rome in that the obsession was potent but way too brief: a 2 season affair. It's tempting to put this one in the top 5 because honestly I had almost no complaints about it. It adapted absolutely dog-awful atrocious shit source material and Raimi/Tapert gave it the same magic they infused into Xena to make it a really fun, progressive show. I want to give it a top 5 spot just because IT DESERVED BETTER AND EVERYONE ON IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. Also the fandom was super fun and I made really good friends in it and it was just a really joyful show to watch. It made me feel happy. TV doesn't make me feel happy enough anymore. Usually it makes me feel depressed *cough all the new Star Treks, cough* but Legend of the Seeker just lifted me UP. It was syndicated and I worked graveyard shift and I would get home after working all night at 7am and watch the new episode before bed and it was just. Such a boost of happiness.

Finally, I think Farscape deserves a slot. I don't know where. I am WAY overdue for a Farscape rewatch. After the roommates and I get through DS9 (one of them has never seen it!!) we are going to Farscape next. I always love telling people that Farscape is like Star Trek if Star Trek allowed itself to be kinky. What was that one TWOP description of Farscape? "American man lost in the Australian S&M scene." Roflcopter. Also, John/Aeryn is one of the more epic ships of all time. OF ALL TIME.

[hlizr50]

Welcome back to the ACOTAR Writing Circle, organized by the incredible @azrielshadowssing!

For part two I was tasked with continuing the Feysand fic the story starts when it was hot and it was summer and by @damedechance (read part 1 on tumblr or on AO3) and boy did she know what she was setting me up for. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm that slow burn kind of girl, but we are in full banter and smut territory already for part two!

That being said, this fic is now officially NSFW!

You can check out the master list for this writing circle here and see what everyone is writing! Part 3 will be posted in two weeks!

One week.

Seven days.

One hundred sixty eight hours.

Ten thousand eighty minutes.

As Feyre lay sprawled on the tile clad in nothing but a bralette and panties, she contemplated trying to math out just how many seconds she’d been sharing this apartment with Rhys.

“No,” she chided herself, cursing to the empty, heavy, oppressive summer air. “Rhysand.”

She gave up on figuring out how many seconds had been in that week. Math wasn’t her strong suit, anyway.

It had become increasingly difficult to hide behind her crumbling wall of practiced distaste for the beautiful man. Which was why she’d been avoiding him for nearly three years. Feyre had come to know what lay behind that infuriating arrogance and smooth calculation once before.

At least, she thought she had. And then she’d slept with him, like an idiot.

About a month after she’d returned from her beach vacation with Mor, where she’d met the tall, dark, unfairly attractive man and had finally succumbed to the urge to jump his bones, Feyre had been giddy at the prospect of attending his company’s autumn banquet. She’d tried to keep her enthusiasm in check; she and Rhys – Rhysand – hadn’t exchanged more than adoring smiles and casual kisses before they left the beach house in separate cars, keeping their dalliance a secret. But it had been the best sex she’d ever had, and she saw those incredible luminous violet eyes in her dreams more often than she cared to admit.

When he strolled through the ballroom wearing an impeccably tailored suit and a bowtie, her mouth had gone dry as a desert. He’d looked like a movie star, with all the confidence that he so rightfully possessed, and the tall, striking redhead with her perfectly manicured fingers tucked into the crook of his arm was a fitting, beautiful, disgustingly perfect pairing.

Even now, as she did her best to cool herself on Mor’s living room floor, her cheeks heated with embarrassment. She was glad she could blame it on the sweltering summer and the broken AC. She had been a fool; one of those silly girls she’d always felt sorry for in college, panting after a pretty boy who had made no promises and had gotten what they wanted. When Rhys had come to greet her and Mor, she’d thought perhaps there had been a flicker of surprise, perhaps regret. But she knew the latter had just been the crushed hopes of a plain girl who had little to offer a man such as that.

Especially in comparison to Amarantha.

Her hair was silken waterfalls of wine. Her skin, pale and smooth and pristine. Feyre hated the way her ruby red, pillowy lips seemed to tick up, as if she knew the thoughts and despair that was racing through Feyre’s mind. Her dark eyes seemed so deep and empty and soulless, and Feyre found herself delighted that the woman had at least one singular imperfection.

Since then, the young artist’s walls had been solid as steel and black as onyx, constructed from avoidance and distraction. Tamlin had started as a rebound, but he had taken care of her in all the ways she had dreamed a man would when she was toiling to make ends meet for her family, working full-time as she struggled to finish high school. While her father wasted away under the blanket of his despair and his perceived shortcomings.

Tamlin should have been everything she wanted – everything she could have ever dreamed. His family was wealthy, and he was an up-and-coming attorney at his family’s prestigious law firm. Feyre had wanted for nothing when she had been with him, at least as far as worldly possessions went. And the sex was good… not like the night she’d had at the beach with Rhys. But she could live with that.

Things had started to go sideways when Mor had reached out to her about a job; she’d wanted to revamp her entire office and thought custom art pieces in the lobby, hallways, and conference rooms would be a nice way to keep the environment exciting and positive. Feyre had been so excited to tell Tamlin – her fiance of a few months – about the amazing opportunity.

But he’d only frowned and asked if she thought that was a good idea. After all, she had to start planning a wedding, and he had a lot going on at the firm. He’d need her support, when he was available to receive it within the constraints of his increasingly busy schedule.

And not that she’d needed his permission, but she had assured him that she could make it work. She could negotiate a reasonable timeline with Mor that would ensure that she wasn’t frantically working late into the night, and she could do most of that work from home. So she would always be there, in the apartment they shared, when he returned at the end of the day.

Things had only gotten worse from there. It was as if that first pursuit of her own dreams threatened him. He became increasingly controlling, demanding to know what she was doing at all hours of the day and night. If she didn’t answer his texts immediately, though she was often covered in paint, he would call incessantly and send line after line of cruel, pointed words to the tune of the happy chime of her phone. Tamlin knew exactly where to strike, too. He took care of her. She wanted for nothing. Didn’t she remember where she’d come from? How hard it had been to slave away to keep herself and her family housed and fed? Didn’t she understand that he just wanted her to live in comfort and be happy and not have to do that again?

She’d endured it all, had adjusted so many parts of her life, because he had a point. And she believed that somewhere, deep down, he did care. He thought that love meant shielding and protecting and preventing, meant providing ease and comfort. Feyre could understand that – she sometimes wondered why she didn’t feel like that was what she needed – but to her, love was encouragement and a safe place to land, in case the risks you took didn’t pan out. She’d thought she was making it work.

Until he started coming home later, but without the expectation of dinner being ready for him. Until she noticed a sickly floral perfume wafting from his hamper of button-down shirts. Until the red smudges on the collars were too numerous to ignore.

 All of the names he’d called her. All of the insinuations, the anger, the yelling and the deadly silence. Feyre had endured it all, had changed so much about herself and her life and her dreams to try to make it work. Because Tamlin was right, in his way: he took care of her and she should be grateful for that.

But when the towering blonde had just huffed a disbelieving laugh and shook his head and all but blamed Feyre and her “silly little art projects” for his infidelity, she’d thrown the colossal diamond engagement ring in his face.

And now she was here. On the smooth tile floor of Mor’s apartment, willing any modicum of chill from the stone into her body. Because the air conditioning was still broken after a week.

“Well this is unexpected.”

And just like that, she was frozen. Dread prickled her flesh, the goosebumps rising over her entire body. Squeezing her eyes shut, she took a deep breath. If she freaked out, he would only respond with that infuriating grin. She couldn’t let Rhysand know that he could get under her tingling skin so easily. So Feyre relaxed, willing her limbs to stay spread wide even though all she wanted to do was cover herself, and sighed.

“I’m not sure why. We’re on the top floor, in the middle of the summer, with no functioning AC. We’re basically next to the sun. Clothes aren’t practical.”

“Indeed.”

With the rustle of fabric that seemed to roar in her ears, Feyre knew she’d made a mistake. Her eyes flew open just in time to find Rhys pulling open the front of his charcoal button-down, revealing a chiseled landscape of abs and pecs and ink. Heat flooded her, and not because of the summer air, as she took him in. His body sure hadn’t gotten any less delectable. Damn him.

“What are you doing?” she asked before she could stop herself. God, she was an idiot.

“You said so, yourself,” he crooned in response, draping his shirt over the back of one of the barstools. “Clothes aren’t practical.” He practically sauntered toward her as her lungs struggled against his attention. The quirk of his lips was so damned sexy that she hated him for it, and she tried to cling to that disdain, even as her insides twisted with a want she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in years.

Instead of pouncing on her, Rhys allowed himself to fall into the armchair to her left. Feyre couldn’t tell if she was relieved or disappointed. As if he could sense her inner conflict he smirked down at her, violet eyes twinkling like jewels bathing in firelight.

“Ask me why I didn’t take off my pants.”

Feyre rolled her eyes and then willed them shut, trying to calm her racing heart and roaring blood. But her newfound roommate wasn’t content to let her be.

“I didn’t take them off, Feyre darling, because then I’d be completely naked. And I’d hate for you to feel like you’d have to remove those lovely underthings to even the playing field.”

She groaned, doing her best to ignore that he’d just informed her that only a few steps and a thin layer of fabric separated him from her. “Why are you so annoying?”

“You mean undeniably charming? It’s a curse, truly.”

“Yes, you are a curse,” she grumbled back, rubbing her hands over her face. “I think you’ve decided to stay here just to make me miserable.”

“As entertaining as that sounds, I told you that there are some major plumbing updates happening in my house. I scheduled it like this because I knew I’d be able to stay here,” he explained.

How convenient for him. On the contrary, it had been a total accident that she’d found herself single and homeless the day Mor had left.

“What?”

Her heart stopped and her eyes burst open, her gaze immediately snaring on his. Rhysand’s jaw had gone slack and disbelief painted the features that were usually so carefully controlled. 

She’d said it aloud. Oh, God, how was that possible?

Feyre scrambled to her feet, desperate to make a run for it, but Rhys met her chest-to-chest in the space between his chair and the couch. And she couldn’t take her eyes off of that broad expanse of tan skin and swirling tattoos, lifting and falling with the breaths that she could feel skating over her disheveled hair. It was fine that she was staring at his bare chest, because that meant she wasn’t looking at his face or into his eyes.

She cursed the world when she felt gentle fingers curl under her chin and lift, forcing her hand. The stare she met was not arrogant or mischievous, nor was it clouded with pity. No, Rhysand’s incredible starlit eyes were dark with intensity. Stormy with something she dared not try to identify.

“Single?” His voice stuttered, as if he could hardly breathe. Feyre gave a half-hearted shrug and jerked away from his hand.

“Tamlin was cheating on me.” Might as well not beat around the bush, though she didn’t feel the need to explain that she’d stuck around for the lies and the name-calling and the snide remarks about her body and her appearance and her work and… everything. Feyre bravely snuck a look back at Rhys, who was still just regarding her intently.

“And homeless?” God, why was he so intent on her laying herself bare at his feet? Didn’t he know how beaten down and humiliated she was already? Her shoulders sagged as she sighed again, her feistiness and annoyance replaced with exhaustion.

“Well, Tamlin’s name is on the lease, so…”

She didn’t have the strength to say anything more. Not to this perfect specimen of a man who could have anything he ever wanted at any time. A man who hadn’t wanted her. All of her bravado had faded away, and she realized that she was practically naked before him, both physically and emotionally. Taking a step back, Feyre folded her arms over her chest.

“I’m going to go get dressed,” she whispered, turning to flee.

She’d only made it two steps when a heavy hand fell on her shoulder. She spun, ready to ask Rhys what the hell he wanted now.

And then his lips were on hers.

Rhysand was kissing her. And she couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. The hand that had been so forceful, had spun her around, now cupped her nape with such tenderness as his lips and his tongue set her aflame.

No matter how loudly and forcefully her mind screamed that letting this happen was not a good idea, Feyre couldn’t bring herself to care. Not with the warmth of his palm leaving a trail of goosebumps down her back. Not with the way his heaving, muscled chest rose and fell beneath her hands. Not with the way he was kissing her, as if she were his salvation.

Rhys moaned against her mouth as he lifted her thighs, sweeping her .up against him and his obvious need without breaking the contact between them. Feyre was too enraptured to even squeak in surprise. And then they were moving, even as their tongues danced and their fingers squeezed. She had the fleeting sensation of a bead of sweat crawling down her spine, but it was quickly replaced by the sudden free fall of Rhys tipping them over onto a bed. The heat of his skin radiated into her, boiling her blood as need roared through her veins and pooled in her core. She was caged beneath him, and in the back of her mind the last crumbling vestiges of her self-preservation were calling out to her, rambling through a list of reasons that this was a mistake that was going to end up with her crushed beneath the weight of this man’s saccharine smile again. But all of that fell away as his open-mouthed kisses started moving up her jaw and then followed the path of her heartbeat down her neck.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”

Fuck, she was a goner, for sure.

And so her hands found the ridges of his obliques and trailed over the rippling muscles of his abs and up over his chest. As his mouth moved lower, she wrapped her arms over his broad shoulders and sighed, awash in the sensation of his soft lips on her burning flesh. His journey continued into the hollow between her breasts, still covered by flimsy lace.

“Can we take this off, Feyre, darling?” His question vibrated through her breastbone and sent shivers to the tips of her toes.

Feyre couldn’t recall ever having ripped off an undergarment with such urgency.

And when she was bare beneath him, his eyes had turned dark and stormy and desperate. “Fuck, you’re even more gorgeous than I remembered.” The way he whispered the words was nearly reverent, and they washed over her like a spring morning mist, chasing away the sweltering summer and leaving her skin prickling with anticipation. Rhys lowered his dark head and tongued at one of her nipples, his large palm sliding over her other breast. Feyre arched up into his sensual touch with a stuttered gasp and slid her fingers into his thick, midnight hair. It was so soft, so at odds with his hard body and his wicked mouth.

He sucked her nipple between his teeth and gave her a nip, and she yelped, surprised and delighted at how the short, sharp sting made her inner muscles clench. Soon the infuriating man shifted his attention, laving his tongue and lips over the other nipple whilst gently pinching and pulling at the one that was now standing at attention.

After another playful bite, the wetness of his mouth moved away from her chest, and Feyre felt bereft from the loss. But that trail of fire, ignited by his lips and teeth, moved down her stomach. Lower and lower and lower. Until she felt his fingers curl under the band of her panties. Blinking her eyes open, she lifted her head and gazed up at him, his unspoken question blazing in his starlit eyes.

“What are you waiting for?” she breathed. Rhysand’s lips tilted into a devastating, devilish lopsided grin as he chuckled.

“Nothing at all,” he crooned in response. Then he slowly peeled the veritable scrap of fabric down over her legs, his gaze keeping her pinned and breathless. Feyre could feel the color bloom upon her cheeks the further down he got, until she was fully naked on the bed and he had lifted himself up onto his knees to take her in. 

She couldn’t help but notice the way his slacks were tented in front, the considerable bulge only making her blush more. But she grinned lazily. Satisfied.

Tamlin had been critical of her body, though most of the time not pointedly. But he did love control, and that included watching her like a fucking hawk when they ate meals together. His comments about needing a wife who stays trim – who could easily shop at all the high-end stores that only sold sizes 2-4-6 – had eroded her self-esteem somewhat.

But the way that Rhys was looking at her now made her feel like the sexiest woman on the face of the planet.

“Oh, Feyre, darling. You look absolutely delectable,” he murmured softly, his tilted grin widening into a wicked smile. Rubbing his palms together, he made a show of licking his lips. Feyre would have rolled her eyes if she hadn’t been paralyzed by the implication of his words. “I think I’d like a taste.”

Rhys moved with surprising speed, and she barely had enough time to suck in a breath before he pounced on her, quickly hooking his arms under her thighs and diving in to feast upon her.

“Oh, my God!” Feyre gasped, her hands fisting desperately in the sheets. Rhys let out a feral growl that vibrated against her clit and sent her eyes rolling.

His mouth was unrelenting, his attention ferocious. Rhys ran the flat of his tongue over her sex and flicked the tip of it over the tiny bud that was swollen and needy and sensitive. He took his time to pleasure her in every way, plunging his tongue into her and fucking her with it, then pulling out and sucking her clit into his mouth and swirling his tongue around it. Feyre’s hurried breaths and gasps had grown into moans and cries and curses, her hands desperately searching for something to hold onto, to keep her grounded. Her fingers would sink into Rhys’s hair, then she would flail and clutch at the sheets, then she would lift her arms and grip the pillow above her head. But nothing could stop the torturous pleasure as her body wound tighter and tighter, this infuriatingly skilled man bringing her closer and closer to the edge.

“Rhys!” She could barely speak with the way her muscles were clenching and spasming. “Oh, fuck! I –” Her words pulled apart and mixed into an unintelligible scream as her orgasm surged through her. Rhysand’s tongue on her clit sent wave after wave of pleasure through her body, and he kept licking and sucking at her as she fell from the precipice. Feyre wasn’t sure that she could breathe or think as her sight and smell and touch and sound were overwhelmed by the ecstasy that his mouth was wringing from her. 

Her eyes were watering when Rhys finally took mercy on her, her chest heaving with deep, panting breaths. Feyre watched with a bleary gaze as this sex god stepped off the bed and hurriedly removed his pants. When his length sprang free, hard and proud in front of him, she could only manage a fleeting thought that he hadn’t been bluffing before. She must have been staring, because his smug, smooth voice drew her out of her haze.

“Like what you see, Feyre, darling?”

She scowled. “It’s… fine,” she grumbled.

“It’s fine?” Rhys balked. He crawled back onto the mattress and then slowly, languidly prowled over her prone form. When they were face to face, his arms caging her at her shoulders, he lowered his head. His words seared the shell of her ear. “I’m fairly certain that you know that my cock is much more than fine.” He pressed a deceptively chaste kiss against her jaw, then another on her cheek. When his mouth met her lips, he plunged his tongue between them, igniting the passion and desire that was still simmering after her mindblowing climax only minutes before.

Rhys pulled back, breathing hard, and stared into her eyes. “I’m all too happy to remind you how much better than fine it is.” Stars danced in her vision as he thrust into her, seating himself to the hilt. She’d forgotten how big he was, how deliciously he filled her – enough to steal her breath. Her back arched as her lungs kicked back to life, just in time for Rhysand to lift his hips and then push them back against her, burying himself deep inside her again.

And then he unleashed himself upon her.

Feyre’s breathing hitched and her voice cracked as she yelled any number of colorful words and cried his name as he pounded into her, her arms hooking around his neck and clinging to him. Her feet hooked around his thighs, opening herself further to his punishing rhythm. Fuck, she’d missed this: this deep, sensual connection of bodies and pleasure. Tamlin had never been able to make her feel like this. Hell, he’d hardly had the desire to try.

Rhys captured her lips in a hard, searing kiss. He pulled out of her and she whimpered at the emptiness she felt. But it was only long enough for him to grab her legs and bend them back toward her chest, pinning her knees down on either side of her torso. When he plunged into her again her eyes rolled back into her head, the intensity of the sensation almost too much to withstand. Rhys fucked her in deep, long strokes, drawing a tormented wail from her lips at the base of every thrust.

“Fu – uck. You – you’re s-s-so deep,” Feyre stuttered around the impact of his body against hers. Rhys hissed a laugh between clenched teeth.

“And how does it feel, Feyre?” he growled. “Does it feel fine.” He punctuated the abhorrent word with another stroke.

 “Oh, my God!” she gasped. “Oh, fuck, Rhys!”

“Tell me, Feyre. Tell me how it feels.”

Her vision was blurring as he pounded into her, the noises coming from her mouth things she didn’t even recognize. He was driving her mad, keeping her dangling perilously over the cliff’s edge. But the fall was just out of reach.

“Rhys! P-p-please!”

“Tell me how good it feels, Feyre, and I’ll give you the best orgasm of your life.” Somehow he still crooned the words, as if he were still in full control over his body and his mind. God, the power of his arrogance was truly mythical, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about anything other than claiming this climax.

“It – it feels – fuck!” She moaned again, desperate to get it out. “It feels… amazing. Rhys, please. Fuck, I’m so close.”

“Good girl,” he praised, and with the next surge of his hips he released one leg and circled his thumb around her clit.

Feyre screamed, but it was shredded and raw and broken. Broken like the rest of her shattered mind as everything unraveled and she was carried away in the unstoppable current of her orgasm. She felt Rhys, hard and thick inside her as he plunged in and out a few more times before unleashing with her name on his lips. He fell between her quivering legs, his cheek resting upon one of her breasts as they both came back to earth. In an instant the adrenaline disappeared and her muscles all seemed to fail. Her body went limp as her hand found the soft hair at Rhys’s nape. Her breathing grew deep and her eyelids grew heavy, and then she drifted to sleep.

~~~

When her blue eyes blinked open, Feyre was alone in the bed, and she couldn’t help the pang of disappointment that stabbed her in the gut. But as she blinked at the clock on the opposite nightstand, it read 8:03am, and she leapt from the tangle of sheets.

She was going to be late for work.

Her shower was quick, not allowing any time to ruminate over Rhysand’s departure without so much as a, “Thanks for a good time”. Perhaps, once again, it hadn’t been as meaningful to him as it was to her. It was exactly what her subconscious had tried to tell her the night before, but she was too desperate for him to listen.

Feyre’s sour mood lifted, however, when she finally made it into the kitchen and found a coffee mug – stamped with a scripty Hello, darling – on the counter next to a note:

You looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to wake you. Obviously, my FINE cock really tired you out last night.

If you need to stay home, I’ll be glad to inform my cousin that you were simply not ready for my sexual prowess. Just let me know.

I won’t be back until late tonight, but I wouldn’t mind finding you sprawled out on the floor again. Or maybe on the table? My own personal feast, perhaps?

~Rhys

God, he was going to be even more insufferable, now, wasn’t he?

Feyre shook her head, unable to stop herself from snickering, and made herself some coffee and packed her lunch. Then she carefully made her way down the many flights of stairs. If she fell down the steps, Rhys would give her endless grief about not being able to walk the day after they had sex. She was not willing to endure that.

She was breathing hard by the time she made it to the landing and walked out the door, and the summer sun was already beating down on her. Her car was just around the corner, though, and then she would have sweet, sweet AC once more. 

“Feyre.” The voice stopped her in her tracks and stole the air from her already struggling lungs. All she wanted was for her feet to keep moving, but they were frozen in place. When she heard her name again, her body turned in spite of her better judgment. And there, not ten feet away from her, stood a tall, perfectly groomed man with a green sport coat and glossy blond hair. Feyre lifted her chin, determined not to let him see the anxiety that rattled in her bones.

“Tamlin.”

[vilandel]

Dearest Mother

Summary Nozel writes a letter to his beloved mother...

A/N I wrote this oneshot at a moment when I needed fluff. @kalolasfantasyworld, in case you need some fluff too right now... 💘

Ao3 link

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Dearest Mother

I know that it most probably seems foolish, to write a letter to someone who passed away. You left us almost 18 years ago and I’m very much aware that logically, you will never read this letter. But I can’t help myself but believe that somehow, those words will still reach you, that you will know what I’m going to tell you. I want to tell you those news so much and it seems like the best way to do so, despite how foolish it might be perceived.

Mother… I fell in love. Deeply and unconditionally. With the most wonderful woman in the world. It’s a shame that I can’t put into words, as much as I want, how incredible this blessing is.

I never thought it would ever happen to me. Even less that I would actually deserve it. Mother, I’ve made so many mistakes since you’ve been taken away from us and I’m so ashamed of it. You told me to be strong and I trained and worked so much for that. But you also told me to not forget to live my own life and that, I failed to do. I’m so sorry. I put myself under so much pressure and guilt, I genuinely thought that sacrificing myself for Nebra, Solid and Noelle, for the house of Silva, for the legacy you left behind, was the only way I could be able to follow. But I was wrong, even though everything was so complex and heavy back then, that I still don’t know how I could have find a right, a better way to move forward.

For years, it was like I was trapped in an endless winter. Everything in me was cold and masked, I was unable to hear my own screams for help. Regrets and guilt were like a cage, the pressure I was stupid enough to endure became like chains. I thought that protecting my siblings and everything so that I’m the only one to suffer was my duty and my fate. I started to be dangerously overwhelmed, but I was too stubborn to stop all by myself. But then, Vanessa came into my life…

She was like a rose that bloomed in my everlasting winter. A light piercing through the mist. She melted the cold in my soul and saved me from it. For the first time in my life, I wished something for myself. I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with Vanessa, but when I realized it, I was like overwhelmed with feelings and colours I forgot even existed.

It was still difficult, because of our different circles and our pasts. Vanessa is a witch and a member of the Black Bulls, a knight squad with a worse reputation than it should have. And she has a heavy past too. The Witch Queen foresaw that Vanessa would gain a spell that would allow her to have some control over Fate itself and put her in a cage in order to use that spell for herself. It is horrible, I couldn’t believe my ears when she told me her story for the first time. Without realizing, I promised myself that I would do anything so that she would never be in a cage again.

Vanessa is wonderful. She’s the opposite of me, with how she often laughs, with how carefree she is. Despite her past, she is one of the most joyful people I know, she cares deeply for others. Noelle is part of her squad and Vanessa took her in like an older sister, probably a better older sibling than I ever was. She also became good friends with Nebra and Solid came to accept her. She has a way with people I never saw before and is able to hug my deepest worries out.

Mother, you have no idea how grateful I am to have Vanessa. With her, I feel like a better man, strong enough to move mountains with ease. If I could, I wouldn’t hesitate to give her the world. I know that our different classes will make our path difficult, you know how rumours and gossip works within royalty and nobility. And you also know how father is, what influence he has, what he is able to do to get what he wants. He would never accept that his son marries a witch, a marriage that would go against his ambitions. We both know that he won’t hesitate to hurt me and he would hurt Vanessa as well, but I can’t have that. I’m so afraid to put her in a cage again with my status and everything that goes with it, but at the same time, I refuse to give up on her. Vanessa is the woman I want to grow old with and I will fight for her. She will as well, she already proved it more than once. Vanessa is so brave and that is just one of the many things I love about her.

She loves to sing and would start humming at any occasion. I love listening to her. To be fair, I love everything about her. Her sleepy head and voice in the morning, how she makes fun of royal laws and rules, the way she braids my hair, the way she closes her eyes in happiness when she eats her favourite meals. Even her teasing – she calls me Little Eagle –, even her scolding and harsh words sometimes, every part of her is like the sun.

I could write more, so much more about how wonderful Vanessa is, but I fear won’t be enough to describe her to you. Mother, I almost don’t recognize myself when I’m with her. First, I thought I became a completely different person, but in the end, it wasn’t the case. Vanessa brought sides of me that were hidden for so long, so long that I ignore I had them in me. She helped me to open up, to accept that I can rely on others, to smile and laugh at the smallest, silliest things.

You once told me that I have a good heart. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to believe you, mother. But Vanessa told me this as well and thanks to her, I learned to finally believe it. To be fair, she didn’t let me choose. It is impossible to say no to a witch and live to tell the tale. At least, it’s what she always says to me and from my experience and what I witnessed, I have no reason to doubt her about that.

Oh mother, I wish you could be still here. I wish you could met Vanessa. I’m certain you would love her and I’m certain Vanessa would love you as well. She always ask me about you. Mother, I still miss you so much. For a long time, that feeling had been so unbearable. Now, it isn’t heavy and I can move forward, better than before. But I still wish you’ll be here, so I can partake this happiness with you. If you were, would you give Vanessa and me your blessing? Allow me to be certain about it, but I still feel like I had to ask.

We all miss you. My memories of you are all so precious, but are filled with sadness. It’s only recently joy joined that sadness when I remember you. I know that I was already fourteen when you passed away, almost old enough to have my own grimoire. But in reality, it was way too soon, I wasn’t ready to become head. I was still a child. Often, when I’m facing a difficult hardship, I still feel that fourteen year old boy inside of me who just lost his mother.

We had a terrible time after you were taken from us and some wounds will always leave a scar behind. But now, all four of us are better and stronger to move forward. You’ll be proud of Noelle, how far and powerful she became. Of Nebra, how she took father’s lesson to make things better and to help me dealing with the nobles. Of Solid, how he tries to become a better person and the efforts he puts it. I’m proud of all of them, of the Silver Eagles, of house Silva becoming more open and less a golden cage. and finally, I start to be a bit proud of myself as well.

Many of those things, Vanessa gave me the courage to do it and I hope I give her the same. I love her so much, mother. Our path is by far not over and there is still a stony way in front of us, but I know that we can win this fight and face the hardships together. I have no idea where this certainty comes from. But I think you would encourage me, like you always did. I’m sorry I took your words at heart so late, but thank you for everything you ever taught me.

I love you, mother.

Your oldest son Nozel Silva

♣♣♣

“Honey, you finished writing already?”

Nozel looked up, smiling at Vanessa who was lying lazily on his bed, wearing only his bathrobe. It was incredible how it looked better on her than on him. But he couldn’t really judge, he never wore his bathrobe more than two or three times in his life.

Her pose was almost seductive and Nozel couldn’t help but blush. He always blushed so easily around her. Nozel would have tried to fight it, but his blush always made Vanessa incredibly happy, so he didn’t have any reason to fight it back.

Nozel looked down at his letter. He still felt like he could tell more, how happy and grateful he was to love Vanessa, how he finally get a grip of himself… But at the same time, what he wrote seemed more than enough so that his mother would understand what he wanted to tell her.

In the end, writing this letter wasn’t as foolish as it seemed. It was incredibly soothing, indeed like a healing process. Maybe he would continue to write letters to his mother once in a while.

Nozel put his quill aside and stood up to join Vanessa on his bed.

“What were you writing? Squad stuff?” Vanessa asked as she cuddled against him, her head on his shoulder.

“No, it was more personal… A letter to my mother. I know that she’s long gone and won’t read it, but… I still like to think that it will reach her, somehow. It was soothing.”

“Then it is clearly something you needed, honey. What did you tell her?”

“That I fell in love with the most wonderful woman in the world and that I feel blessed to have her in my heart.”

“My, little Eagle, I love how poetic you become when you talk about me.”

Nozel just chuckled, placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head. Vanessa hummed, nuzzling more against his shoulder. Yes, he was truly blessed to have her in his life and he truly believed that in a way or another, his mother will learn about it.

I’m so happy for you, my sweet son. Cherish your time with her.

[bleachbleachbleach]

5/24 - 5/31/24

I've been having BIG emotions all week (about racecars; about getting to see best friends and old colleagues; about my life choices [for once, positively]; about multiple retirement parties and people I want to be when *I* grow up). And of course, about my Bleach blorbos. I haven't had time to actually write, due to needing/wanting to focus on life things, but I have spent a lot of time daydreaming different iterations of one particular scene, because I have also spent like 30 hours driving (and have either 8 or 12 to do today, depending on how the Great Construction Conspiracy goes) and what else am I going to do besides try not to get destroyed by white Silverados??

I do have a written version of this scene already, but I don't think I'll use it. It's from Hisagi's POV (in every iteration it is from Hisagi's POV), which is probably a dumb POV to do the scene from, but the other two characters involved can have their version of it in a few chapters, too. The problem with Hisagi's version, aside from him definitely third-wheeling it, is that Hisagi's relative lack of real context and his imagined context of the 92 other things he's thinking about mean that this one scene connects obliquely to like three other trains of thought that are... not really related but related in his mind. And some of them are in his chapter, and others are scattered across a bunch of other chapters as Things Hisagi Thought and Then Impulsively Shared, so that's a bit difficult to keep track of as I continue to change the scene.

I feel like the scene itself is probably only going to be like 7 actual lines, in the end, just because it's stuff I really like writing but am shy about sharing, so most of this is probably just for me. 🫣

Other thoughts:

-- I met a new guy at my old workplace whom I decided I do not like but who is definitely a Joe Shinigami. Like, I feel like he's Renji's dark double. He's very gregarious, and can tell a rollicking story (or thinks he can; he performs well, but it's maybe... too performed? too self-aware of how much character he is bringing to the plate? even as he's performing something self-deprecating?). He's a poet with the most jock energy I've ever encountered from a guy with an MFA. And, having participated in an MFA soccer league for multiple years (as a non-MFA interloper), I'm not saying that out of some misapprehension that poets can't also be jocks or vice versa. It's jock ENERGY specifically. I dunno, it's kinda like he'd LIKE to be Renji or was written to be Renji, and it's similar enough to be uncanny but wrong enough to be Wrong. And instead of really liking him in the way I really like Renji, I'm just like "Man, this guy sucks." XPP

I feel like this is probably someone that Kira definitely knows in the poetry circles and he's had this exact same review process about him.

-- I was at a dental appointment yesterday and my hygienist was talking about [American] football, which is something I know approximately three things about; but these three magic beans were enough to ignite her passion. She knew all the players by name and was describing the coaches and coaching style and their entire histories, and how much she liked and trusted this coach guy, and her enthusiasm was very lovely.

But because I am absolutely addled in the head with blorbo disease, during this entire football conversation my mind was running a backing track about how the way this woman knew and talked about JIM HARBAUGH was probably really similar to how people perceived AIZEN SOUSUKE pre-defection, and how even though we only see Hinamori struggle with feelings of ambivalence where Aizen is concerned and everyone else is straightforwardly angry/anti-Aizen, that's probably not actually true and Hinamori's feelings probably ARE echoed in many. Frankly probably in Hitsugaya, even though he's probably the most demonstratively anti-Aizen person anyone knows (depending on whether you were present for the Winter War or not; if you weren't then maybe you don't know anything). Because despite the fact that he seems fairly wary by nature and was rude about Aizen even when everyone thought Aizen was Good Guy Jim Harbaugh, I think Hitsugaya liked and trusted (/entrusted Aizen with) even more than even Hitsugaya thought Hitsugaya did. I'm basing this on exactly one panel in this essay I will--

"Man, the Lions did so well last season, didn't they!"

[mykindofgeeky]

An Exhausting Review of The Wheel of Time

Apologies for the delay. Unfortunately round 2 of @fantasybooktournament ended right before my work week. On top of that Tears of the Kingdom and Gideon the Ninth have been consuming many of my waking hours outside of work. At this moment I am taking a break from both of my current obsessions to try and organize my thoughts about WoT. I will be providing a spoiler free TLDR followed by a more in depth review of the first four books.

SPOILER FREE TLDR:

The Good:

The Wheel of Time is an exceptionally well written high fantasy epic.

It utilizes its main cast well and most of them have satisfying narrative arcs.

The magic is unique and well thought out.

The women of the cast share just as many interesting personalities and skills as the men.

The series plays a lot with gender roles directly related to the magic system.

It has a lot to say about destiny and the heroes journey.

Several interesting mentor figures that all have just as many negative traits as positive ones.

A focus on one character's PTSD that is very believable and taken seriously by both the narrative and the characters around them.

A beautiful ending that still makes me cry when I think about it.

Brandon Sanderson

The Bad:

There are several villains that are sexual predators utilizing brainwashing, violence, and grooming to get their way. Jordan doesn't write sex scenes so none of the acts are recorded in the books but they are heavily implied.

There is exactly one trans woman character and she is a villain. She is also a sexual predator.

There is slavery in this series. It is done by one of the antagonist factions but it is not really resolved by the end of the series.

EXTREMELY LONG.

The insane amount of characters is a lot to keep track of. That said you don't NEED to know every character by name.

Major low point in the series that can be difficult to read due to a dramatic shift in narrative pacing. This starts in Book 5.

While the women are interesting they were still written by an old white guy. A lot of the "strong female characters" we have are described as overbearing, conniving, and arrogant.

The romance is often forced and the end of the series appears to be obsessed with pairing up all the characters without lovers.

Many of the characters have repeating physical habits as well as repeating experiences. Jordan will describe these things the same way over and over. There's a lot of fingering of blades, knuckling mustaches, yanking of braids, and adjusting of shawls.

Jordan clearly takes a lot of inspiration from Eastern faiths and cultures in both his magic system and the religion of the setting. He doesn't represent these things particularly well and it feels very Orientalist to me.

Brandon Sanderson

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

The Wheel of Time as a series is the absolute height of high fantasy epics in my opinion. It represents this sub-genre very well with nearly every trope of in the high fantasy tool box being utilized. That said it also carries many of the perceived negative aspects of the genre.

When I said this series was "very long" it is very much an understatement. The main series of books tops out at 4.4 MILLION words spread over 14 novels and 1 novella. It also has hundreds of characters with well over a hundred receiving a POV throughout the books. Yes that's right, this series has multiple characters sharing their perspectives.

The first three books I'm going to call "What if Robert Jordan wrote The Lord of the Rings?" These books are The Eye of the World, The Great Hunt, and The Dragon Reborn. Are these books direct rip offs of LotR? No absolutely not, but they do share a lot of the same structure. The fourth book The Shadow Rising is when things really get spicy.

***

The Eye of the World's primary purpose is to introduce important characters, set the narrative pacing of the series, and establish the setting.

It follows a group of youngsters from the village of Emond's Field; Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene, and Nynaeve. Several strangers come into the village for the Spring festival, Moiraine the Aes Sedai, Lan the Warder, and Thom the Gleeman. These characters serve as guides and mentors in the outside world later on. Shortly after this they are forced into a world of adventure after evil creatures called Trollocs attack their home.

The Eye of the World is a great opening to the series. It invites you into the setting and holds your hand through the first day before plunging you into the first night. The juxtaposition between the warm and gentle opening day and the horrifically violent night afterwards is a perfect synopsis of the two opposing forces of Light and Darkness.

It later lays the groundwork for the main characters' arcs that they will go through in the series while leaving room for doubt on if they will make it at all. There is also tons of foreshadowing not only within the book but also for the series as a whole. These are fun to piece together on a first read and even more fun to find on rereads.

The combat scenes are tense and you can really feel the Emond's Fielders panic contrasted with the wizened mentors calm. The social aspects of how the Aes Sedai fit into the world also provides plenty of tension. One of the main antagonistic forces in the series is introduced early on in Perrin and Egwene's travels and they are portrayed beautifully as the cruel bastards they are.

The ending is a little confusing, especially on a first read. Unfortunately Jordan seemed to have a bit of trouble writing around wanting the main antagonist to be in the book and for the main characters to think they've won in the end. It is a short and weird ending but most of the other books get much better endings.

***

The Great Hunt's job is to flesh out established villains and introduce new ones, flesh out some of the major factions, and provide more POVs on these weird ass situations. It primarily focuses on two storylines: "The Boys' No Good, Very Bad Day? Month? Year???" and "Little Witch Academia: Spy Game."

The Boys (Rand, Mat, and Perrin) are chasing down thieves who stole an important plot device called the Horn of Valere. They need this back because there is a concern that the horn could be used by the forces of evil to summon ghost heroes to fight for them. In addition they stole Mat's fucking drugs (an evil ass dagger from the first book) and now he's in withdrawal. The dagger is needed to break Mat's reliance on it.

The Girls (Egwene and Nynaeve; and new friends; Elayne and Min) are learning magic at the White Tower, home of the Aes Sedai. Egwene and Elayne are "Novices" together while Nynaeve has been allowed to become "Accepted" due to her being a bad bitch. Min is basically in a comfy jail cell and bored because she's not a witch. As they are learning magic they have been accidentally recruited into finding secret "Dark Friends" (followers of the main antagonist the Dark One) amongst the Aes Sedai.

Once again The Great Hunt does its job well. We get to learn much more about the world from several POVs. The White Tower is filled with political intrigue. The factions that have been introduced so far get a lot more development and the new ones are interesting. We see an introduction of several significant bad guys including the Seanchan who are really interesting.

At this point we have had a lot of growth with our main cast. They are still scared of conflict but they know how to defend themselves. They become more comfortable with the outside world some willingly some unwillingly. The mentor characters are starting to step away from being mentors which allows them to be more independent characters in their own right. That tenseness from the first book never really goes away. This book has a lot of twists that will have you on the edge of your seat.

The ending is far more comprehensible in The Great Hunt than The Eye of the World. It is extremely epic with an incredible three-way struggle that is referenced throughout the rest of the series.

***

The Dragon Reborn is our epic conclusion to Jordan's Lord of the Rings. Its job is to finish a lot of what was started, and develop our main cast further. It follows four groups of our cast to the city of Tear where The Dragon is to be Reborn: "The Al'Thor Identity (Crisis)," "Nanny Damodred: Manhunt," "Little Witch Academia: Spy Game pt. 2," and "The Guilt Trip."

Rand has been proclaimed the Dragon Reborn by Moiraine after the events of the second book. Rand is not a fan of this. He is so not a fan of it that he decides to try and speedrun this whole "Chosen One" thing. Of he skips to Tear by himself where he is supposed to claim a special sword that proves he's the Dragon Reborn. Reality literally bends around him on his way leaving a pretty clear path to follow.

Moiraine is not a fan of Rand going off leash and needs to chase him down. She takes Lan (who is basically glued to her ass anyway), Loial the Ogier (elves but thicc), and Perrin. He's pretty easy to follow since there's a Rand shaped hole left behind everywhere he goes. On the way Perrin makes two new friends; Gual the Aiel, and Faile (who are now both glued to Perrin's ass).

Nynaeve, Egwene, and Elayne are hunting more dark friend Aes Sedai after there was a theft and breakout of several of them from the White Tower. These dark friends stole several items of power and they must be retrieved. The girls are tracking them down disguised as Aes Sedai which is leading them to Tear unbeknownst to Rand and Moiraine.

Mat has been brought to the White Tower to be healed and separated from the dagger. In addition it is revealed that Mat is now connected to the Horn of Valere due to the events of the second book making him a very valuable asset to the White Tower. Mat nopes the fuck outta that and manages to escape after a lucky run of dicing and finding his old mentor Thom the Gleeman. After traveling to Caemlyn to deliver a letter, Mat becomes aware of a plot to murder Elayne. He knows that she's heading for Tear and decides to go after her.

Overall this is my favorite book of the first three. Its a more complicated plot but its easy enough to follow and every time the POV switches you get excited to learn more about that part of the story. This is the beginning of Rand's "madness" which is a side effect of being the Dragon Reborn as well as being a male witch and I enjoy how its written. You really feel for Rand as he acts like a cornered animal with nothing to lose. Perrin's interactions with his two new companions are fun with Gual being a fast friend who gives good advice and Faile being a compelling romantic interest with an acid tongue. I really enjoy how Perrin really appreciates Faile's beauty over time as he gets to know her. That said they kinda fall for each other really fast out of nowhere. Although they are probably one of the more interesting couples in the series. The girls have a fun roadtrip down to Tear with lots of new characters introduced. They aren't as prominent in this book but once they get to Tear they get to do a lot of cool shit. Mat's roadtrip with Thom is a fun reflection of their trip together in the first book with a far more competent Mat and a Thom who sees Mat as more of a man. We also get to see Mat's intelligence shine in this book which is great because he was more of a side character in the first two books.

The ending is a chaotic mess but in a fun way. All of these characters are smashing into each other by coincidence and foiling each others plans, rescuing each other from danger, and of course getting into arguments. There isn't really a big antagonist in this ending but it doesn't detract from the book at all.

***

OK NOW WE ARE GETTING SPICY! This is where the series really starts to shine bright!

The Shadow Rising is widely considered to be one of the best novels in the whole series. Personally it is my favorite fantasy novel hands down! The Shadow Rising is trying to do many things here but primarily it is: expanding the scope of the setting, circling back to previous plot points/details, increasing our main cast's influence on the world.

The Shadow Rising is the longest book for a reason. It is covering many, many storylines at the same time but I'm going to try and narrow it down. Primarily I'm going to focus on four groups: "Al'Thor of the Three-Fold Land," "Back to the Shire," "Little Witch Academia: Spy Game pt.3," and "How to Stage a Coup: Paint It Red."

Rand has been reading. This is a mistake. He decides that he must go to the Aiel Waste in order to become their chosen one, the Car'a'carn, The Chief of Chiefs. He is joined by Mat, Egwene, Moiraine, and his Aiel allies. During their journeys they are forced to discover more about themselves. Egwene goes to desert witch bootcamp. Mat gets a fancy spear and a new hat. Honestly, everything is coming up Al'Thor so far.

Perrin is worried about Emond's Field and decides to go back home and make sure everything is ok. He is joined by Gaul, Loial, Faile, and two additional Aiel Bain and Chiad who have taken a liking to Faile. They show up to the Two Rivers being invaded by Trollocs and the White Cloaks (who are chasing Perrin). Perrin and friends rally the Two Rivers to fight against both invaders.

Nynaeve, Elayne, Thom, and a new friend from the last book Juilin are still trying to smoke out the dark friend Aes Sedai. They track the traitors to Tanchico and begin searching the city. They end up finding more than they bargained for.

Min is continuing to be an endlessly annoyed guest of the White Tower. She is being used as a spy by the Amyrlin Seat (head of the White Tower) but she soon finds herself in a dangerous situation. Elaida the Red Sister is attempting a coup to claim the Amyrlin Seat for herself. Min manages to fine Siuan (the original Amyrlin) and Leane (her right hand woman) but they are both powerless and can no longer do magic. As they are escaping they also collect the dangerous criminal and False Dragon, Logain.

This is what we were waiting for. This is the true first chapter of the series. Everything up to know has been a prologue in my mind. We get serious character development, expansion of the setting, violence, romance, and so much more magic. If you want to read this series but don't think you'll finish it I BEG OF YOU read to this book. The Aiel are so goddamn cool and their culture is really interesting. The magic fights are getting more intense with them being narrated almost like sword fights. The politics within the White Tower and the Two Rivers is really cool. The drama in the Two Rivers with Perrin is so intense! I just can't praise this book enough.

I think I have to leave it there this is already too damn long. I really hope you give this series a chance and see if it is for you. Happy reading everyone!

“You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyways.” - The Eye of the World

[boxofbonesfic]

Thank you for calling out the whiteness when it comes to how the reader is written. As a long time reader of fics in the fandom and Asian woman it was always exciting to find new writers who were POC especially if they were Asian bc I'd hope that maybe the reader would be written as an Asian person making the stories more submersive for me anyways. I mean it would also excite me when the character is written as BIPOC in general and small details like their tanned skin etc was written mainly bc we still live in a society where whiteness is everything. It is perceived as the most beautiful at times and in some cultures what they strive for. So when fic writers specifically write the reader as a person of colour and describe how beautiful their skin is or how beautiful their hair is for me it's a way to deconstruct those toxic ideas of whiteness being the end all be all. Especially in the marvel fandom where a majority of the characters are white.

I understand that some writers just wanna make it general and that's cool too, but I think it's very important to acknowledge that there is a perceived whiteness when the main character is written, it's evident especially when people have moodboards for a fic and it's all white women in the pictures.

I think people who have replied to you need to understand that what you have expressed is very much valid, and there are readers out here who find it difficult to relate or even connect to some of the stories other writers have written bc of the way they have written the main characters. E.g. when they make the reader a sibling of Steve or Bucky.

whiteness is not neutral OR default. and i’m not going to stop saying it. you’re welcome, i’m just trying to fight back against the culture that ejected so many of my amazing peers—i know at least 4 authors of color who have deactivated in the last year because of the racism in fandom, and it makes me literally sick.

i just want them, and others, to know that they deserve space. and they deserve NON-RACIST space.

❤️

[bebepac]

One Year Has Passed

In case you were wondering what depression can look like.  It can look exactly like this.

Cheslie Corrinne Kryst  

April 28, 1991 - January 30, 2022

It can also look like this:

And.... it can also look like this....

But what I’ve come to realize, which has made me take a step back from social media  platforms in general since her passing is something that she had mentioned before.  “Social media is a highlight reel.”  

I would say I can’t believe a year has passed since she made the choice to leave this world, but I can, because I felt various levels of grief throughout it.  I followed her avidly on social media on several different platforms. I perceived her to be happy, and funny, goofy, constantly with a smile on her face.  I also perceived her to be kind, intelligent, goal oriented, ambitious, and a powerhouse of a woman, that had many many skill sets, and a wide knowledge base. Which is only a few of the reasons I had picked her to become my face claim for my Riley in most of my stories when I started writing on the fandom.  I looked up to her as a minority woman from my home state, and she had accomplished so much in her 30 years walking this earth.  

You can show what you perceive to be the “best of you” to the world and can be struggling with so much more under the surface. She talked once on a post about how many pictures they had taken before they decided on the one to post that made her look “flawless.” 

We put so much pressure on ourselves to make an effort to be what we perceive to be “perfect.”  Some of those pressures are societal, feeling you have to conform to a certain standard of “beauty”  or “professionalism”  even racial norms, what it means to be “Black” or a minority navigating this world, or simply being a person navigating this world.

For this, I say, we must have more grace with ourselves.  The things we say to ourselves in our minds, we would never say to our best friends.  So why do we feel it’s ok to say those negative things about our selves?  

We must stop being our own worst critic.  We have to love ourselves more.  Have those conversations not only with the people that look to be visibly struggling but those that look perfectly fine.  People are leaving this world by their own choice at an alarming rate. We have to have those conversations with each other that are difficult. 

Because I don’t want to lose someone else, I care about this way.  

No, I didn’t know Cheslie personally, I wish I had, and over 3 years, I created a world here for her in my stories I created, and I feel like I knew her, and I still miss her.  Seeing all the tributes come across social media for her, by family, friends, and fans, shows the impact she had on the world, and the legacy she will have. I really do hope that she found the peace she was looking for, even though selfishly I still wish she was still here in physical presence.  

Every person that we lose this way, is one too many.  

[pelagicmoon]

yesterday i met a dragonfly named God ///

6/23/24 sunday

“To write is to objectify dreams, to create an outer world as a material reward [?] of our nature as creators.”

-The Book of Disquiet, Fernando Pessoa

the more i tell it to people the more i become a heretic because by making this a story i’m confining the sky and the mountains and the nightfall to my own cage like i’m running some sort of freak show. the desire to write is the nefarious drive to possess.

andrew and i were walking in a certain part of the catskills we had been visiting. in a group who had decided to hike up a mountain nearby, it was only the two of us that decided to track back to the lodge when it began darkening. the sun was disappearing. the air was cold because of the altitude. there was the looming threat of bears.

we had already made our way down the mountain and now we trod upon a roughish road that wound pretty thinly. our phones picked up no service. along our way, sparsely, stood houses that seemed to be getting strangled by the sun’s afterglow. by god the sky was so open and so pink, like some perfect fruit.

at about this time i had noticed an insect by my side. many insects had already been hailing (or had it been dust) towards my body and it was difficult to resist the temptation to wipe my arm through the air. but at the same time i’d started to recognize that we humans were closest to these insects in our fundamental tininess of our individual influences on the great world. this insect, though, whom i’ll call a dragonfly because that’s one of the only insect names i know, had appeared a couple paces back, and instead of flying off haphazardly was staying with me. i found this odd and pointed it out to andrew.

as we continued, we approached a husk of a cabin on the left side of the road. ominously behind it and nearly sinking into a stream was a shed that was spray-painted with a message that read something like “fish for sale, on demand”. apparently andrew saw an old couple watching television in the house, although i saw nothing of the kind.

i heard later that he had been considering knocking on their door for some sort of help or direction. as he was doing so, i had reminded him a second time (it had already been about ten minutes of walking) that the dragonfly was still with us. i mentioned that this little insect was escorting us down the road. now apparently the cabin he was looking at had this morbid aura, and although i didn’t really think about it at that time, i’ll believe him. he told me that the second time, he really took account of the dragonfly, and retrospectively that this dragonfly had urged him past the cabin.

we got back to the lodge eventually, partially due to the help of a woman with a young child and a dog, who had passed us by in her car and turned back to ask where we were going.

and yet i feel like our “safety” from that supposedly unwelcoming cabin was only the materialistic way our human minds could perceive the benevolence this dragonfly had bestowed on us. if i were to even come close to truly respecting the dragonfly with human words, i’d use the word “mother”. maybe someone will tell me it was just a mosquito that was looking to feed off of us. no matter– it is already an honor that somebody decided to join us. i really felt as if i was in some type of heaven and that i did not belong there. i am fortunate to have been not only spared by the things there, but also placed under their care.

i often say that there are two types of people: secular people and asecular people. secular people love things. asecular people don’t really love because things, including their own bodies, seem too small for them to scrutinize, except when it’s when love is without direction and surrounds them like the air or something. i felt surrounded evenly and uncompromisingly with that love that time i met the dragonfly. every time i swat at an insect on my leg, i am sinning. i should be happy that somebody loves me that much.

take me home, country roads

[bengiyo]

Mood Indigo (2019) Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

Last time, we picked up with our prequel as remembered from Kido and Kijima remembering from a bar. Both were in a difficult position when they met at a class reunion and have decided to cohabitate. Kido offered Kijima an opportunity to write erotica, but Kijima initially refused. There’s a sadness to this story that is making me moody, and has partly-delayed my resumption…and there’s just a lot of stuff airing right now.

Thankfully I have watched the first show, and know that any overt sex shown at the beginning of an episode is likely a scene from one of his books.

Fascinating that Rio so quickly began to appreciate the craft of the genre.

Episode 2: Begging the Forgotten Time

The match scene was pretty stylish.

Kijima having issues with his anti-intellectual father is not a surprise.

Okay…I really hate realistic vomit.

“No more drinking.” Well we know that didn’t fly.

I do like them considering the reality that working in erotic fiction might be perceived as sleazy to a potential spouse’s parents.

Part of the fun of prequels is knowing end points and being fascinated by the journey. We know Kido will stay with his company, and we know Kijima is going to keep writing novels. Now the question isn’t really whether he gets the book from this retiring author, but rather what Kijima spending time with him does to the two of them.

Ah, the old man was hoping for a horny young woman to mess around with.

I really hope Kijima fucks this old man.

Is this man really playing out the “This guy is fuckable, but I don’t want to fuck him myself. Someone come fuck this guy for me,” post??

Now, I knew these two have definitely fucked at least twice, but I was not expecting it to be to titillate a pervy old man to get a book from him.

So many fluids this episode! I’m absolutely fascinated by these two remaining close since Kido later has a family with someone.