#i write so many ... 'perceived difficult' woman

[elbiotipo]

I have a question and I hope it's not a bother ^^;

When writing fantasy that's not set on Earth, there are terms that you'd probably avoid because of certain things not existing in this fantasy setting.

At what point does this become too much for you personally? What's your opinion on, say, a fantasy character saying the word "lesbian"? I'm having a very difficult time deciding what words are and aren't "realistic" for a fantasy character to use.

I've seen people say things like "this character shouldn't say 'lesbian' because this fantasy world doesn't have the island of Lesbo!" But can't one argue that maybe this word is derived from a different island with a different name in this fantasy setting? Or that, of course, these characters aren't actually speaking English, and they're speaking their fantasy language and are thus using their language's version of "lesbian"?

And... if you try to avoid every instance of a word that is based off of an Earth location or Earth person or what have you, then you'd have to avoid your characters using terms such as "academic" "volcano" "bath" "copper" and so forth.

I'm sure some people want to be like Tolkien and go all out with their fantasy language, but I feel like for most writers, that's not the most realistic expectation...

Well, here you enter a discussion about translation I'm really not qualified to answer, but I'll try.

When I read something set in fantasy, I assume that the dialogue of the characters is in another language, and it's translated to my own language(s) (Spanish, English, insert your preferred real life language here) for the reader's convenience. Same with science fiction, because if you know how Old English or Old Spanish is, you KNOW that people simply won't be talking the same as us in the future. I love to read about how language evolves and interacts in a setting, but I don't really need to read it in a fictional language. So yes, for example, when someone in a fantasy novel says "salary", I don't need it to be related to the word "salt" necessarily, I understand what salary means. I just need to understand if wages in this setting make sense.

You get the question of which terms to use, and my answer is broadly, just real terms, unless it's something not found in our world. Then, you are operating as a translator for a world that doesn't exist, and you need to explain. I think you don't need to explain for example the word "Lesbian" or "Sapphic", but you would have to avoid referencing the real life island of Lesbos or Sapho herself, because she's a person from real history, what's she's doing there (I mean, she can do what she wants). But if you have, for example, a monster or an object that does not exist in our world, not even our world's mythology, yes, then you do need to use the specific term you created for that setting.

I also think that example with the word "lesbian" is really silly and... monolingual. Because, for one, the word "lesbian" in many languages is not related to the island of Lesbos at all. "Lesbian" means, broadly speaking, a woman who loves women, no matter the word in English, Spanish, Arab or Chinese. Now, the real question is not the origin of the word, but if that concept exists as such in your setting, how it is perceived, and so on. Because as you're no doubt aware, definitions about gender and sexuality (and one could argue our whole idea of gender and sexuality itself) have evolved and changed a lot across time and space. I think what those people mean by "don't use modern terms" is that characters in fantasy or historical fiction would not use the same concepts or language as us, this is true, but it doesn't mean they wouldn't have terms for it, and it might just happens that the term they use for that experience translates best as "lesbian".

Or it might not. Being cis and straight(ish) myself I only touch these topics tangentially, but there's plenty of people who have played with different concepts of sexuality and gender in science fiction, fantasy, and historical fiction. And yes, I do prefer in worldbuilding when the perspective about these topics, and in fact society itself, it's not that of a 21th century person, but actually something shaped by living in an entirely different world or historical context. That's where interesting stories, to me, happen.

Tolkien solved these problems in a way by framing his texts as a translation of older texts, and I think that's a very interesting way to do it, as long as you keep that frame in mind, it's not that he did it to be "lazy" like so many annoying people joke, he did it to make his text more real and richer. And regarding conlangs, my perspective is about the same. I don't need to read dialogue in conlangs, but I like to know they're there, and that some names in a story might make more sense and be enhanced by knowing them. Otherwise, I'm very happy to read something like "'Greetings, my friend', he said in Eastern Elvish." or "he switched from Rioplatense to Tandar", just an acknowledgment that linguistic diversity exists without making the reader translate. After all, you are the writer, you already did the translating for me, and I hope you did the right choice in showing which terms need to be unique and 'untranslated' so to say, and which are better expressed in plain language.

As for tone? That's on personal preference as a writer and a reader. I very much dislike when dialogue and writing feels "modern" in the sense that it seems pulled out of Twitter... but also, I really can't fault on style either if it works. I just want writing to feel... flowing, with good descriptions I can follow. I don't know if that makes sense.

[kaermorhenatnight]

Light in the shadows

Rolan smut, NSFW, minors don't interact, please 

Huge thanks to @commander-krios for proofreading and for all of the comments, suggestions and corrections! You’re amazing!

Rolan x fem!reader smut, Reader is one of the tiefling refugees from Elturel, afab, she/her. No y/n used. She's been friends with our favorite tiefling bachelor and decides to make her move during the tiefling party that they should have after act II. Tav appears and is gn (they/them)

CW | spoilers for acts I and II with mentions of violence, cursing, p in v, oral (m and f receiving), fingering, spells used for sex (including detect thoughts – consensually), Rolan's POV for a moment, biting and hickeys, tail play, Rolan is insecure about his body at first, dom Rolan, dirty talk, edging, Karlach x Shadowheart makes an appearance because I love them

Word count | 5,5k

Note: I tried to keep the spells as correct as possible (including components, duration and spell slots) because I am fun like that. If I messed something up about that please let me know! English is my second language so any tips and corrections about my writing are more than welcome! 

Read on Ao3 here

Enjoy!

It was a nightmare. All of it. If not for blood pouring down your temple, sharp pain in your side and pounding in your head, you could pretend it was all a bad dream, that you would soon wake up from. Saying the shadow-cursed land was unwelcoming would be an understatement, but the attack... The screams. Zevlor, the calm, brave, strong Zevlor, just froze. Cal, Lia, and many others were dragged away. Others were bleeding out in the dirt. Some of you tried to fight, Rolan yelled to fall back, protecting the kids with everything he had. If not for his well-aimed spells, and the fight Cal and Lia put up keeping the cultists busy, none of you would have made it to the unexpected sanctuary of Last Light Inn. 

Rolan took care of your wounds as best as he could. Despite your protests, he convinced the lovely cleric, Isobel, the woman responsible for the safety of the Inn, to come downstairs and lend some of her magic to help with your head injury. 

Even though he went to great lengths to ensure your comfort, you could see all of his thoughts were preoccupied with his siblings' kidnapping and his perceived guilt in their capture. He was drinking himself numb, screaming at the kids who were just trying their best to show gratitude for all he'd done. He even lashed out at Tav when they offered help. Luckily for all of you, Tav not only brought Cal and Lia back safe and sound, but they also found, saved, and sent back to the Inn a slightly tipsy Rolan, who had disappeared to rescue his family on his own without accepting any help.

He did apologize to Tav afterward and thanked them for saving his ass, but gods, you and his family had to force it out of him with threats of violence.

You weren't that close before. You were good friends with Lia back in Elturel. It’s how you met him the first time. You liked him. He was fun to be around, although you would never feed his ego by telling him that, or risk being mercilessly made fun of by Lia, by sharing it with her. He was smart and funny, even if a little snarky and grumpy. You thought it was only natural that the difficulty and stress of your current situation brought you closer together. It didn't mean anything. Although you couldn’t help noticing him not being that attentive towards anyone else after all of you got to safety and could tend to your wounds. But you didn't want to give yourself hope. You couldn't. Life was difficult enough without getting your heart broken if you let yourself believe he might feel about you how you feel about him.

Right?

After what you heard was a terrifying and exhausting battle, the curse devouring this land was finally lifted. The sky started clearing up. A small party sounded like a pleasant idea, not unlike the gathering you held at Tav's camp after they helped you back at the grove.

And now you sit here, wine bottle in hand, watching with glee as everyone laughs and dances, celebrating the victory and honoring the fallen. Tav told you the truth about Zevlor. You can't find it in you to be angry at him. Honestly, you are just happy he survived and escaped. 

Cal and Lia are on the other side of the room laughing, bothering Rolan about something. He lets out a frustrated groan, but the music of Alfira’s lute and the noise of conversation around them drown out what they are saying. You just look at them, smiling, happy to see them safe, happy to see Rolan relaxing in his own way, with his family by his side.

───  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ───

“Come on, she's been pining for you for so long. And she's not subtle about it either. How can you not see it?” Lia is a little too loud for Rolan's comfort but everyone around them doesn't seem to notice anyway, in the haze of celebration. “I mean, I know I'm pretty great, but she wasn't coming to visit so often just to see me.”

“That’s a lovely tale, but I would appreciate it if you stopped spinning it. You are seeing things that are not there.” 

“Gods, you are the dumbest smart person I know.” 

“Are you also gonna pretend,” Cal chimes in, “your tail doesn't sweep the floor like you're a godsdamned kitten when she's talking to you?”

Rolan groans, hiding his face in his hands, trying to feign annoyance, while his cheeks and ears burn.

The truth is he couldn't believe you'd ever even look at him. In his eyes, you were a strong warrior, someone who he had once seen kill two people with one swing of a sword. Powerful, strong, courageous. And he's just a scrawny wizard who keeps getting his ass kicked. While he appreciates his siblings' attempts to support him, the amount of faith they are putting in his chances is ridiculously unrealistic. 

He's going to try, one day, when he might have a chance. But he's not going to delude himself that he has it now.

───  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ───

“Unless you are casting a sending spell, I don't think he's gonna be able to read your mind.” Tav sits next to you and nudges your shoulder, pointing at Rolan with a quick nod. “I’m sure Cal and Lia, as happy as they are to be reunited with him, won't mind if you steal your boyfriend for an hour or two for some… relaxation… upstairs.”

What?

“What?”

“Hey, I know there's not much privacy on the road and this might be your last night under a solid roof for some time. I imagine it must be hard for couples to spend quality time together in such circumstances.” They don't sound like they're teasing. In fact, Tav sounds painfully sincere and supportive.

‘Couples’. 

‘Boyfriend’?

“I— I'm not… I mean… We…” You trip over your own words, not sure what to say. “We are not a couple.”

“Oh.” The surprise on their face is confusing you. Why would they think you are a couple? Were you that obvious with your crush that they just assumed this level of openly shown adoration must mean an established relationship? That would mean Rolan must see it too. What if he starts pushing you away, displeased with your feelings for him? “Well, apologies for assuming.” They rub the back of their neck, clearly embarrassed. “I just saw how attentive he was… and the way Cal and Lia were talking about you… Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It's alright, no apology needed.”

You sit in silence for a moment but it keeps bugging you.

“What did Cal and Lia say?”

“Well, how happy they are that Rolan and you ‘found each other’ and how ‘less unbearable’ he is when you're around… Like I said, I didn't know they meant friendship and it was rude of me to assume.”

Oh. 

“I see,” you say and turn to look around the room. No matter how hard you try you can't not think about it. You would think the two of you were a couple if you heard them speak like that. It spreads warmth in your chest knowing Rolan's siblings see your influence on him that way. Your thoughts might be too obvious in your expression because Tav nudges you again.

“You wouldn't mind that though, huh?”

Your skin is naturally red. Usually, it’s hard to see blush on your face, but now you are convinced a blind person would notice.

“Don't be embarrassed. There’s enough darkness in the world to be negative about, some love here and there is what truly makes everything worth it.” They smile at you with encouragement. “And… he has been staring at you throughout our entire conversation.”

You look up and the moment Rolan's eyes meet yours he looks away, his face slightly darker.

“I know it's not my business and far be it from me to mingle in your love life… but it's rare to have a moment of peace like this. Go talk to him, enjoy the celebrations.” They get up and wander off to talk to other people. After all, they're the hero of the hour everyone wants a piece of. Again.

And…they're right. You probably won't try to make a move, but you can't let your confused heart stop you from spending time with your friends. Especially after all you've been through. As soon as you walk up, Lia puts her arm around you and hugs you.

“I thought you were gonna sulk there alone forever! Is your head acting up again?” she points at the almost-healed wound on your temple. 

“Oh no, I can barely feel it.” 

You smile. It's nice. Cal is leaning against the wall, wine bottle in hand. Lia is holding you with her arm around your shoulders. 

You start with small talk, but in your current situation, weather and gossip don't really hold up. But as soon as Lia mentions the upcoming threat of the Absolute army, Cal steps in.

“We can discuss it tomorrow. And the day after that. Today, let's talk about nice things. Like Rolan finally getting that big boy job in Baldur's Gate.”

Up until now, you tried not to pay too much attention to Rolan, being very self-aware of your gestures, but now you can do it unsuspiciously. There is something in the way he is leaning against the table, in his relaxed posture, in the lazy smile, that is making you melt a little.  

“Oh yes, it almost makes me want to treat you with more respect,” Lia laughs, poking Rolan in the ribs with her finger. “The Great Wizard Rolan of Elturel!”

“Ha… ha… love the respect.” Rolan rolls his eyes and straightens his robe where she wrinkled it slightly. You can't help but follow his hands’ movement with your eyes, wishing to feel them on your skin. 

What is wrong with you? You are trying to have a conversation and your mind just wanders off into territories you would prefer not to explore in a room full of people.

“I did say ‘almost’.”

Your eyes meet Rolan's again. He smiles, almost shyly, and his cheeks darken. You fight the urge to look away. Maybe thanks to Tav's encouragement, maybe because of the wine, you hold his gaze and return the smile. 

“Well, look at that,” Cal says loudly and hurriedly finishes the wine in his bottle. It takes him a few chugs, too many to be fully comfortable. “My wine is finished. Lia, wanna go get some more?” He gives his sister a look that you cannot fully decipher before they both walk away, leaving you and Rolan alone. You move to stand next to him, taking Cal’s place by the wall.

“It's good to see you feeling better,” he says, shifting ever so slightly like he's trying to stand closer to you. 

“I could say the same thing about you.” You catch yourself moving closer. “You were a wreck without these two.” 

“They're… they're family.” He looks down, his fingers clench on the edge of the table, and his brow furrows. Even after everything, he still blames himself.

“I know.” You give his hand a sympathetic squeeze and his entire body tenses. Oh shit. Did you overstep a boundary? “Sorry,” you mumble, panic taking over your body as you move your hand away, trying to take a step back, but Rolan reaches out to you quickly and takes your hand in his. 

“No! No, it's… thank you.”

He doesn't let go. You are only holding hands but it feels more intimate than anything you've ever done with anyone. Gods, you want him. You want to be close, to hug him, kiss him. You want to let him know how much you care, how dear he is to you. And if not now, then when? If he doesn't reciprocate, so be it. You are adults. Your friendship can survive a moment of embarrassment.

You take a step towards him, put your free hand on his chest, and press a kiss against his lips. You brace yourself for rejection as you start to pull away, but he doesn't let you. He puts his hand on your cheek and pulls you back in. 

Kissing him feels right. Like his lips were made to be on yours. Like his hands belonged on the curves of your waist.

You are careful at first. Just relishing in the softness of the gesture. But when he parts his lips and you feel the warm flash of his tongue on your bottom lip, you are gone. Your hands find the front of his robes to pull him even closer. For a moment, you forget where you are but a heavy arm falling on your shoulder painfully reminds you.

“You two should get a room.”

You turn, letting go of Rolan in panic, but when you see the smiling, heavily intoxicated face of Karlach, you relax. “Get it? Cause we're in an Inn!” She laughs joyfully, swaying on her feet, and then wanders off, not even trying to walk in a straight line. 

“Ugh, they are going to be so obnoxious about being right.” Rolan rubs the bridge of his nose.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, Cal and Lia were trying to convince me… uh— that you…” he pauses and all of his confidence leaves him. But you are starting to understand and it makes your hearts flutter.

“I like you, if that's what you're getting at.” You spare him the embarrassment. “I really like you, Rolan.”

“Well, I gathered that.” He smirks and touches his mouth. “Do you… want to go upstairs?” He glances at Karlach who is now wrapping her arms around Shadowheart. “To ‘get a room’?”

You laugh and grab his hand. 

“Sure, I'd love to.”

He pulls you behind him towards the stairs. “Have fun!” Lia says to you as you pass her by, and Rolan cringes, avoiding her gaze. 

As soon as you leave everyone's line of sight, Rolan turns and takes your face in his hands.

“If I had known…” He is so gentle, fingers barely grazing your skin. His eyes wander around your face, drinking you in. “I wanted to wait until we got to Baldur's Gate and I became a wizard's apprentice and… when I'd finally be somebody… I would ask if you'd allow me to court you.” 

“Rolan, what are you talking about?” You place your hands on his. “You don't need validation from some stuck-up jerk in his stupid tower to be somebody.”

“Actually, the Ramazith Tower is quite impress—”

“I adore you,” you interrupt. “You. Not what you can do or what you can become.” 

You feel dizzy. He's so close. 

He kisses you again. Slowly. Purposefully. His tail wraps around your leg and pulls you even closer. You whimper as the tip, you're not sure if it's accidental or not, strokes the inside of your thigh. Rolan pauses for a split second before repeating the motion, this time definitely on purpose.

“Fuck— Rolan… I'm sure there's an empty room here somewhere,” you whisper, leaning your forehead against his shoulder. “I— Someone will hear us.”

“Well, if you can't stay quiet…” You can almost hear his smug smile before you feel his tail loosening its grip, getting more freedom of movement to climb up your leg and grind against your cunt.

You press your face into his chest in a desperate attempt to muffle a moan that is forced from your throat. He steadies you with a firm grip on your waist but doesn't stop.

You can't talk, you can't think, you can barely breathe. He has you wrapped around his finger and he hasn't even taken your clothes off yet. Every stroke brings you closer to release and makes it harder not to cry out in pleasure. You muster all of your self-control to grab his tail and move it away from you. 

“Let’s find a room,” you say, voice hoarse. “So I can get you out of these robes and make you see stars.”

He swallows hard and tugs on your arm to lead you to a door in the corner. The door seems stuck at first, but one strong push gets it open. The room is not in the best state, most of the furniture is broken and scattered across the floor. The bed, except for dust and a few broken pieces of wood on top, is holding together pretty well though. A quick spell and a flick of his wrist from Rolan cleans the sheets enough for them to be almost presentable and even smell like lavender and vanilla. Flames appear on the candles that are still left on the walls.

“There are some advantages to bedding a wizard,” he says with a confident smile. 

“I can't wait to learn what the others are.” 

He places one hand on your cheek, pulling you into another kiss, and the other hand travels down until it stops between your legs. Him palming you through your leggings is enough to make you whimper. When he starts moving, his fingers circling your clit, your knees buckle underneath you and if Rolan didn't catch you, wrapping his arm around your waist and anchoring you against his chest, you might have fallen.

Even through the fabric, with movement restricted by both of your bodies pressing against each other, he brings you achingly close to release.

“Rolan… I— Gods…” Your breath is reduced to huffs and whimpers. He eagerly muffles them with a kiss so hungry and sloppy, it's all tongue and teeth clashing. 

“Let go,” he whispers, breaking the kiss and letting you come up for air. “I've waited so long to see you come undone in my arms.”

 As aroused as you are, the dry friction of the fabric becomes a little uncomfortable. You can't think of anything other than how much you want to get rid of all the clothing that separates you from Rolan right now.

“Take off your clothes then,” you say, shifting a little to move away from his touch. “And fuck me into tomorrow.”

You think you see his jaw tense up a little, but can't be certain in the dim light. 

He leads you towards the bed and sits next to you, helping you get rid of your clothes, but when you gently tug on the hem of his robe he nudges your hand away.

“What's wrong?” This time you are sure something is bothering him.

“It's nothing,” he assures you, but his posture and tone of voice betray him.

“If you don't want to do this, you don't have to… I mean, obviously, you don't have to, but… I mean— I don't want you to feel pressured.” 

“It's not that. I… really want this with you. I promise I will make you feel good.” He looks down and whispers to himself. “I just don't want you to see me.”

You know there's a lot of insecurities under Rolan's confident facade. He acts arrogant to hide how unsure of his abilities he is. He worries that Cal and Lia not being his blood means they don't see him as real family. He doesn't believe he is worth something in your eyes, or anyone else’s, until he proves himself in the city. 

Despite all of that, you would never assume he felt insecure about his body. You always thought he would consider any focus on the physical appearance beneath him.

“Rolan... why?”

“I'm not exactly the… physical-prowess type. I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed with what you see.”

“I could never be disappointed with you. With anything about you.” You tangle your fingers with his and place a kiss on the back of his hand. “You can read me.”

“What?”

“Detect my thoughts. At any point, you can look into my mind. No need to warn me or even ask. Just look.”

You are scared. Scared that your feelings are going to overwhelm him, that they would be more than he is in for. But he needs to see for himself the way you feel about him.

“Are you serious?”

“Deadly.”

Rolan stares at you for a moment, wrestling with his thoughts, before leading your hand toward the clasp at the front of his robe. 

With shaking fingers, you help him out of his robes and then the shirt underneath. You want to memorize every inch of his skin you uncover. You want to kiss every part of him. Feel every part of him. You slide off the bed and settle between his legs. He watches you wide-eyed as you unbutton his pants and pull his cock out. 

You start slowly, licking the tip  before moving up and down the shaft. Rolan lets out a ragged breath, clutching at the sheets. When you suck the tip into your mouth, he whimpers softly. But it's not enough. For you anyway. You want to feel him hit the back of your throat. Choke on him until tears stream down your cheeks. You want him to completely ruin you. 

Your hands wander, stroking his thighs and then his stomach. Tracing the infernal ridges, you relish in the softness of his flesh as you dip your head down until your nose brushes his navel. Your throat contracts around his cock and gods, you love the sounds that he makes. 

When you pull away briefly, only to dive right back onto his cock, Rolan shifts slightly and you hear shuffling of fabric where his discarded robe lies next to him, as he pulls a piece of copper from a pocket. Then he whispers words of a spell and you feel tingling in your head. You look up. Rolan's eyes are set on yours. 

You allow him in your mind. Let him see everything. All the lust and yearning. How you try so hard to burn the view in front of you into your memory forever. The view of his chest raising with heavy breaths as you continue to suck his cock; Muscles in his forearms flexing under prominent veins; His soft stomach you want to lick and kiss and leave bite marks on. He was scared of undressing because his body is not built like a brick house but gods, and now also Rolan, know it's not what you want, not what you need. Every single part of his body sends shivers of lust through you. You want him, need him, in every way possible.

You drag your tongue against the side of his cock. You can feel his presence in your head fading as his focus falters and then completely disappears when you suck in your cheeks and take his whole length again. Tears form in the corners of your eyes in reaction to the gag.

Rolan caresses your cheek, pulling you away and wiping your tears with his thumb. 

“I— Wow.” He helps you up and pulls onto his lap. He's holding you close, one hand gently scratching your back and the other gripping your thigh, his face awestruck as he stares into your eyes.

You hoped hearing your thoughts would put Rolan's mind at ease, but it did so much more than that. You can see a sudden surge of confidence that you didn't expect, even in him. He roughly grabs you and pushes you down on the bed, caging you with his arms. 

“I am going to make you beg for me.” His voice is almost a growl in his throat. He lowers himself and without any further hesitation, dives down your body, his tongue pressing flat against your clit.

It's so much better than anything you imagined, and you imagined a lot. Every lick, every flick of his tongue sends a burning hot jolt of pleasure from your cunt through your entire body to the tips of your fingers and toes. You dig your nails into the sheets, trying to ground yourself. You buck your hips, begging for more friction, more pleasure, more.

You feel the tingling in your mind again and let him in immediately. 

The coil in your stomach is getting tighter and tighter and you can feel that if he keeps going like that it will soon snap. That's when he stops. Raises his head and looks at you, smug and a little mischievous. He knows what he did. 

“Rolan, what the fuck?”

“You need to be patient. I will take care of you, I promise. But I want to take my time.” Before you respond, his head is back between your legs. The spell connecting you fades, but he doesn't need it anymore to know when you are close. He listened to the change in the pitch of your moans. The slight difference in the way your body tenses. And he's always been a quick learner. 

The buildup is even faster this time, and again, he brings you painfully close to release before stopping. 

“You're mean,” you whimper, tears now streaming down your face.

“A little.” He chuckles but goes back to work immediately after he sees your muscles relax a bit. His grip on your thighs is unyielding, holding you in place so he can devour you. 

You can feel your orgasm approaching again and you don't think you can take the teasing anymore. You reach down and grab Rolan's horn, holding to it like a lifeline. “Rolan, please… I can't— Let me finish… Please…” Your legs are shaking, your body burns. You feel like you're going to die if he pulls away now.

He doesn't. When he can see how close you are, this time he just looks up to watch as you cum on his tongue, keeping the pressure and tempo going as you ride out your orgasm. He only stops when you push him away, high in the afterglow. 

“Hells, Rolan…”

“Told you I was gonna make you beg.”

“You fucking asshole,” you laugh, grabbing his hand and urging him to lie next to you. He complies, clumsily kicking his shoes and trousers off, cleaning his face that's still dripping with your slick with a quick spell. His cock is now digging into your thigh and he's littering your neck and shoulders with kisses. Gentle at first, then harder, with more teeth, leaving marks. You expected this possessiveness from him yet it still surprises you a little. He pulls your leg to rest around his hip. His tongue is soothing the bites and bruises he has left on your skin.

“Do you want to continue?” He raises his head and bucks his hips involuntarily, grinding against you.

“Fuck yes.” 

You turn to him fully, wrapping your arm around him and pulling him closer. His lips, kiss bruised, are back on yours. You flip him on his back, straddling him, his cock between your folds, the tip hitting your clit as you start rocking your hips.

His grip on your thighs is strong, desperate. He guides your movement, pressing his head back into the pillow. 

“Ride me,” he pleads, his nails digging deeper into the flesh of your legs. And how can you refuse, when he's asking so nicely?

You shift to press the tip of his cock against your entrance and then sit down taking him in one swift motion. He thoroughly prepared you with his mouth but the stretch still steals the breath from your lungs. 

“Hells,” you sigh, stilling for a moment to adjust to him. 

He whispers your name with a reverence usually reserved only for the gods. Then he whispers something else. A spell. And you feel a gentle pressure of the mage hand at your clit. You start rocking your hips and his cock starts pressing deliciously against all the right spots inside of you. He has to recast the mage hand every other minute but he does it without any delay, the moment it would disappear, it appears again, as if he's counting the seconds to make sure your pleasure never falters.

“Rolan, you fill me so well.” You don't even think about it, the words just spill from your mouth. But they don't go unnoticed. You can see Rolan's eyes darken as something changes in him. He grabs you roughly again and rolls over to be on top of you. The slow rolling of your hips is replaced by his thrusts. The first two are restrained, but then he picks up the pace. He steadies himself on his elbows, chest pressed against yours, breathing heavily in the crook of your neck.

“Say it again,” he groans into your ear. His voice is low, lustful. A demanding hunger, that mirrors your own.

“You make me feel so good— Gods…” Your sentence is cut short by a moan Rolan pulls from you, his mage hand steadily circling your clit. “I never want to stop doing this. You fuck me so well, Rolan.”

The sounds he is making are animalistic. His movement becomes erratic and soon you can feel him twitching, spilling into you. The warmth of his seed fills you and the sweet honey of his incomprehensible praises tickles your neck. The mage hand seems to flicker for a moment as Rolan's climax overwhelms him, but he quickly gets his bearings and the steady pressure on your clit is back. His cock is slowly softening as he pulls out, shifting to kneel between your thighs. You can feel his seed spilling out of you as your muscles contract and relax, grieving the loss of his cock. Rolan looks between your legs like he's hypnotized for a moment. Droplets of sweat are glistening on his chest, his hair is in disarray. He is so fucking handsome.

When you feel Rolan's fingers circle your entrance and then, carefully minding his claws, sink into you, the tension inside comes close to snapping again. Your back arches as you're inching closer and closer to release and then when it overflows you, your vision blurs, your whole body tenses and soon you are gently pushing Rolan's hand away, overstimulated.

As he pulls his fingers out, he casts a spell and you feel his seed disappear and your thighs and his fingers are clean and dry again. It puts your mind at ease, not having to worry about any surprises in a few months.

“I don't think I could ever get tired of that view.” Rolan cocks his head slightly, his gaze caressing your body. His tail wraps around your calf.

“Well, I could never get tired of presenting it to you.” You let out a breathless laugh, collecting yourself. You sit up and place a quick kiss on his lips. It feels almost out of place, the gentleness of it, after what you just did. Slowly both of you start putting your clothes on between the kisses and you want to ask if he would like to stay here or go back downstairs, but you don't get that chance.

The door opens with a thump as it hits the wall and two people stumble inside not even noticing you at first, their limbs tangled, their lips joined. You wouldn't even recognize them if not for blue flames engulfing the tall figure of Karlach accompanied by Shadowheart. Good for her. You see a flash when Dancing Lights is cast. 

“Oh shit, sorry.” Karlach laughs, when she finally notices you, one arm around Shadowheart, the other rubbing the back of her neck. You can hear Rolan behind you struggling to put his robe over his shirt and trousers faster. 

“Don't worry, we were just checking out.” You can't help but laugh. Normally the situation would be mortifyingly embarrassing but right now your heart feels so light you can't find it in yourself to be anything other than joyful. You grab Rolan's hand as he finishes tightening the last clasp on his robe, and pull him towards the door, grabbing your jacket from the floor on your way out. “Have fun!” You manage to say before the door shuts behind you. The muffled noises you hear from inside the room tell you they definitely were planning on having fun even without your encouragement.

“Well,” Rolan clears his throat, trying to regain the scraps of his dignity. “That's a less-than-ideal ending to our evening. But I'm sure there are many more evenings to come.” It's not a statement, not really. It's a question. And even though he's smiling, you can see a hint of panic and insecurity in his eyes. You grab his hand. It feels so nice to be able to do that.

“Of course. You are not getting rid of me that easily.” 

His smile of relief could melt even the coldest heart of stone.

[juvnvalen]

I am eating your writing because it's so good- can i ask for a ToothFairy yandere profile? Thank you if you decide to do this!!

This is super ooc, but that's okay, because i am baller. And thank you! :3 I have so many requests I need to do lol Also! Added a few characters to my write for list (changeling :3) Pairing: Tooth Fairy x GN Reader TW: Mentions of non-consensual touching, Kidnapping, NSFW, ooc behavior, and Yandere themes. Credits for template: @/Cinnamonest

♡What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Tooth Fairy is very deceiving with how she approaches courting you, she’s able to keep her sparks of jealousy to herself for the most part, preferring to go about charming you as any average person would. It’s difficult to look past her gentle demeanor, she’s skilled at keeping her true intentions hidden from you.

She has a tendency to stalk you, whether the two of you are in a relationship won’t sway her to stop either, she prefers to keep a watchful eye on you. Chances are you won’t ever know of her trips to your bedroom late at night to observe you, her lips only daring to occasional graze, not daring to wake you. ♡How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

She’ll try her best to hold out on taking, but if all her attempts to sway your heart fail, or she decides allowing you roam free is too much of a risk to your safety she’ll just take you. ♡How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Escaping her is difficult, but it’s far from impossible. She tries her best to keep you under her watch, but she’s a busy woman. While she’s away with her work she makes sure to keep you bound in place, your ankle firmly chained to the bed with little slack. Tooth Fairy makes sure you receive ample punishment for any escape attempts, dishing out both physical and mental discipline for any escape attempts. ♡How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Tooth Fairy is smart, chances are she won’t fall for any attempts to deceive her, she easily sees through your lies. ♡How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Tooth Fairy wants a normal domestic life with you, but since she can’t have that she’ll settle for as close as she can get. She’s happy to provide you with any requested items, as long as they aren’t a harm to you, as long as you keep up your good behavior. She is content to provide freedom to an extent, of course you aren’t allowed out of your restraints when she isn’t there to watch you, but otherwise you’ll be allowed to roam free in your shared home. Supervised walks outside are about as far as she’d allow for outdoor activity, most of the time your confined to the space you both share. ♡What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Tooth Fairy doesn’t expect much from you, as you aren’t with her of your own will, but she does want basic respect from you. She expects you to clean up any messes you make, though she rarely enforced the rule. Any mean words or physical threats towards her will be met with the silent treatment, although it is less of a punishment and more of her pouting.

Escape attempts are one of the only reasons she’d actually punish you, rather than any physical punishments, she just restricts your privileges and increases her security measures. ♡How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

She normally doesn’t like to bother with rivals, but if they are a threat to you she won’t hold back on removing them from the equation. ♡How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

Tooth Fairy is difficult to upset to the point of anger, but if you do manage it’s nothing more than her locking herself away in a room to rant her frustrations on the furniture for a little while. ♡Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

She sees you as an equal to her in some ways, but she can’t help but infantilize you when it comes to your ability to protect yourself. ♡How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

She desperately wants her love for you to be reciprocated to some extent, she won’t try to force you to have feelings for her, but she will try to gain your affection as best she can. ♡General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Tooth Fairy won't verbally announce her want for sex from you, but it’s easy to tell when she’s in the mood by her touchy demeanor. Sometimes it seems like she can’t keep her hands off of you, her hands constantly touching you in some way, whether it be a hand on your hip, shoulder, or the small of your back she’s almost always in contact with you.

She has a decently high sex drive, though she’s happy to stave her cravings off with her own two hands. ♡How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

She’s not forceful at all, she wants your first time together to be sweet and consensual. Occasionally on nights where she’s observing you in your slumber, she can’t help her hands wandering to places they shouldn’t, of course never further than sensual rubbing and soft groping. ♡What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

She’s not exactly vanilla, but she won’t attempt to fulfill anything too crazy unless you offer. Somnophilia is one of her main ones, she adores how peaceful you look as you rest and she can’t keep her hands off your lovely body. ♡What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

She doesn’t have a favorite part of your body, she just loves all of you so much.

♡♡

[sleepynegress]

HELLO! I'm sorry you've been getting idiotic anonymous people being rude about Uhura. I saw your lovely post about her and it made me happy to see that people appreciate her! She is so much more than lots of fandom pretends. Also I high-key agree that Karl Urban absolutely nailed his performance of Bones. It was so dead on!!! Zoe's Uhura was lovely too but as you say, sharper around the edges, and personally I felt her relationship with Spock was very sweet but difficult initially for me because I really get stressed when one person doesn't get the emotional needs of another. So their really gentle scenes made me SO happy when they finally happened. The warmth and gentleness shone through and won me over entirely. Zoe played sharp with just enough warmth. But I still love Nichelle's too. Uhura is great! Anyway didnt have a huge point here just happy that you also love her and call people out LOL

The main issue is the misogynoir and perhaps TERF leanings against the most recent player in the part, Celia Rose Gooding. She is non-binary and goes by she/they pronouns. She also has a short close-cropped style which beautifully frames her face. The troll is hyper-fixated on attacking that, disparaging her presentation of femininity using coded language to imply aggression or masculinity. This is extra backward because, of the three players who took on Uhura, she has the darkest skin tone, has the fullest lips and a wide nose bridge, and her hair is the only one not in a straightened or processed style (which is fine for an option BTW). All of these things together are rare aesthetics for a Black woman, and appropriate, especially for an sub-Saharan African woman's character presentation, especially in a futuristic sci-fi mainstream iconic franchise, like Star Trek and so important for young people to see as normalized femininity. I think of Lupita Nyong'o talking about the effect Alek Wek had on her...just being there as this South Sudanese supermodel, with very dark skin and short natural hair...

Celia Rose is the particular target this troll has framed as their "fanhood", with thinly veiled insults and backhanded "compliments" that keep dogwhistling in their posts with various account names.

As for Zoe's Uhura, that professionalism and sharpness, when it came to her abilities and focus on her studies was an obvious intentional writing choice to stave off the very criticisms *she still got* because of the misogynoir of that era...

People were accusing her of coercing Spock into her ship assignment and even assaulting him(!).

That mess never makes sense, but hating Black women for existing or having what we are perceived as not "deserving" is sadly an old tradition (see those who make a hobby out of hating Megan Markle). And now, I see people praising the OG Uhura, Nichelle, for aspects of her character that were actually forms of limitations on her because of production bigotry...i.e. the forced interracial kiss, that people constantly cite as some forward thing w/o the context that it was forced because the implication was that no one in her crew would willingly kiss a Black person. IOW, aliens assaulting them for their entertainment was the lesser evil and more palatable to white audiences than someone choosing to love on Uhura (and I would add *especially* someone white, because even showing Black affection and love in that time was a rare thing, and her episode showing some yearning towards an old love showed no physical affection between them either). Anyway, all that to bring it right back around to ALL the Uhuras are great. And the weird microaggressions, macroaggressions, hatred, and attempts to shove them into a particular box are misogynoir; a microcosm of the kind of bullshit too many Black women go through on the regular just for existing.

Celia is a Rose and I hope she shines, gets loved on, has friends (including some Black ones) who are genuinely concerned for her well-being and actually help her when she's in need.

P.S. I missed this reading way too fast before but this bit is sus IMO Zoe's Uhura was lovely too but as you say, sharper around the edges, and personally I felt her relationship with Spock was very sweet but difficult initially for me because I really get stressed when one person doesn't get the emotional needs of another. If you meant Spock not reading Uhura? Then yeah, I agree. If you mean Uhura not reading Spock?? I can't walk with you there because Spock literally almost hindered Uhura's career and got her on an exploded ship(!) because of his emotional bias and almost killed Kirk on the bridge because he was not managing his emotions well. Meanwhile Uhura read him well enough to provide some comfort after the loss of his mother.

[melonteee]

Hello!!! I love your videos, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a question, but I’m really interested in what you think about this.

I’m writing a series of fantasy novels which has been in the works for about five years, so it’s a pretty significant project for me and kind of has my heart in a constant choke-hold.

Initially, I really struggled to understand my protagonist. She was like a complete stranger, chipped off from a bit of myself as all characters are. I knew she was bold, joyful, stubborn and would do anything for her friends, but she always seemed to be missing something fundamental.

Anyway, then I kind of figured out that I want her to be like Luffy. But Luffy is, as you know, far from a simple character, and honestly I don’t quite know how to base my protagonist off him without accidentally writing a female Luffy or missing out key aspects of Luffy’s character that would give my protagonist that ‘Luffyness’ that is just so incredible.

So really my question is: What is key to Luffy’s character, but more specifically, what are some traits that can be replicated to make a character feel Luffy-like without just being Luffy?

I really hope if you decide to answer this one you find it interesting to think about! I think we need more characters like Luffy and I want to be part of that.

Thank you!!

Boundless optimism is one trait Luffy has, but that's not just Luffy, it's a very shonen trait. But I've found Luffy differs because his boundless optimism comes from the fact he doesn't like thinking about anything, and he will actively not think to stop bad thoughts from swarming him.

His smile is the main one! No matter what, and no matter why, Luffy has a smile on his face! The only time he drops his smile is when he is enraged, such as the Drum Island scene where he's holding Dr Hiriluk's flag. Luffy's anger feels powerful because we know, without a doubt, Luffy is ANGRY. But these moments are used sparingly, otherwise the effect is gone.

Luffy's selfishness is a big one, he will do anything he wants no matter what anyone says. If you want a character to be like Luffy, they essentially have to work on automatic instinct of "I want this, I will get this." The reason this works for Luffy is because he finds a way out of the trouble he causes, ie getting imprisoned in Wano only led to him meeting new friends and growing further - even though that wasn't part of the plan. Luffy can make the most of any situation.

A major one is Luffy wearing is heart on his sleeve, to the point it's so difficult to have any sort of miscommunication with Luffy. He's honest and earnest, he physically cannot lie to save his life, and he will tell you what he thinks of you straight up. But, Luffy's view of a person can and will change, and he'll tell you when THAT happens too. He doesn't look down on nor up at anyone, and this stops Luffy from seeming conceited or annoying.

Luffy's strengths are also his flaws, hence why he collapses upon Ace's death, because his optimism and 'everything will work out' attitude didn't work. The second a bad thing happens, he cracks, and he cannot help but lose control of himself due to unbearable grief that he keeps bottled up. The same thing happened when Kuma vanished all the Strawhats in Sabaody and Luffy entirely broke down.

Good luck on your novels! But I will say, another difference is that Luffy is a man - of course. While there's no difference in genders or sexes as human beings, and while I wish everyone could be written on the same level, there's still a difference in how one is perceived depending on societal pressures and restraints. For example, Nami was told by Bellemere that "girls need to be strong too," showing us that Nami goes against the status quo of One Piece's world by not being a passive woman. These are reasons why I connect to Nami personally, and why many female fans love Nami and her character.

My advice is think about the societal structures of your world, who's on top and who's on the bottom, and if that will effect your main character in terms of struggles she may face or trials she must go through!

[vilandel]

Dearest Mother

Summary Nozel writes a letter to his beloved mother...

A/N I wrote this oneshot at a moment when I needed fluff. @kalolasfantasyworld, in case you need some fluff too right now... 💘

Ao3 link

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Dearest Mother

I know that it most probably seems foolish, to write a letter to someone who passed away. You left us almost 18 years ago and I’m very much aware that logically, you will never read this letter. But I can’t help myself but believe that somehow, those words will still reach you, that you will know what I’m going to tell you. I want to tell you those news so much and it seems like the best way to do so, despite how foolish it might be perceived.

Mother… I fell in love. Deeply and unconditionally. With the most wonderful woman in the world. It’s a shame that I can’t put into words, as much as I want, how incredible this blessing is.

I never thought it would ever happen to me. Even less that I would actually deserve it. Mother, I’ve made so many mistakes since you’ve been taken away from us and I’m so ashamed of it. You told me to be strong and I trained and worked so much for that. But you also told me to not forget to live my own life and that, I failed to do. I’m so sorry. I put myself under so much pressure and guilt, I genuinely thought that sacrificing myself for Nebra, Solid and Noelle, for the house of Silva, for the legacy you left behind, was the only way I could be able to follow. But I was wrong, even though everything was so complex and heavy back then, that I still don’t know how I could have find a right, a better way to move forward.

For years, it was like I was trapped in an endless winter. Everything in me was cold and masked, I was unable to hear my own screams for help. Regrets and guilt were like a cage, the pressure I was stupid enough to endure became like chains. I thought that protecting my siblings and everything so that I’m the only one to suffer was my duty and my fate. I started to be dangerously overwhelmed, but I was too stubborn to stop all by myself. But then, Vanessa came into my life…

She was like a rose that bloomed in my everlasting winter. A light piercing through the mist. She melted the cold in my soul and saved me from it. For the first time in my life, I wished something for myself. I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with Vanessa, but when I realized it, I was like overwhelmed with feelings and colours I forgot even existed.

It was still difficult, because of our different circles and our pasts. Vanessa is a witch and a member of the Black Bulls, a knight squad with a worse reputation than it should have. And she has a heavy past too. The Witch Queen foresaw that Vanessa would gain a spell that would allow her to have some control over Fate itself and put her in a cage in order to use that spell for herself. It is horrible, I couldn’t believe my ears when she told me her story for the first time. Without realizing, I promised myself that I would do anything so that she would never be in a cage again.

Vanessa is wonderful. She’s the opposite of me, with how she often laughs, with how carefree she is. Despite her past, she is one of the most joyful people I know, she cares deeply for others. Noelle is part of her squad and Vanessa took her in like an older sister, probably a better older sibling than I ever was. She also became good friends with Nebra and Solid came to accept her. She has a way with people I never saw before and is able to hug my deepest worries out.

Mother, you have no idea how grateful I am to have Vanessa. With her, I feel like a better man, strong enough to move mountains with ease. If I could, I wouldn’t hesitate to give her the world. I know that our different classes will make our path difficult, you know how rumours and gossip works within royalty and nobility. And you also know how father is, what influence he has, what he is able to do to get what he wants. He would never accept that his son marries a witch, a marriage that would go against his ambitions. We both know that he won’t hesitate to hurt me and he would hurt Vanessa as well, but I can’t have that. I’m so afraid to put her in a cage again with my status and everything that goes with it, but at the same time, I refuse to give up on her. Vanessa is the woman I want to grow old with and I will fight for her. She will as well, she already proved it more than once. Vanessa is so brave and that is just one of the many things I love about her.

She loves to sing and would start humming at any occasion. I love listening to her. To be fair, I love everything about her. Her sleepy head and voice in the morning, how she makes fun of royal laws and rules, the way she braids my hair, the way she closes her eyes in happiness when she eats her favourite meals. Even her teasing – she calls me Little Eagle –, even her scolding and harsh words sometimes, every part of her is like the sun.

I could write more, so much more about how wonderful Vanessa is, but I fear won’t be enough to describe her to you. Mother, I almost don’t recognize myself when I’m with her. First, I thought I became a completely different person, but in the end, it wasn’t the case. Vanessa brought sides of me that were hidden for so long, so long that I ignore I had them in me. She helped me to open up, to accept that I can rely on others, to smile and laugh at the smallest, silliest things.

You once told me that I have a good heart. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to believe you, mother. But Vanessa told me this as well and thanks to her, I learned to finally believe it. To be fair, she didn’t let me choose. It is impossible to say no to a witch and live to tell the tale. At least, it’s what she always says to me and from my experience and what I witnessed, I have no reason to doubt her about that.

Oh mother, I wish you could be still here. I wish you could met Vanessa. I’m certain you would love her and I’m certain Vanessa would love you as well. She always ask me about you. Mother, I still miss you so much. For a long time, that feeling had been so unbearable. Now, it isn’t heavy and I can move forward, better than before. But I still wish you’ll be here, so I can partake this happiness with you. If you were, would you give Vanessa and me your blessing? Allow me to be certain about it, but I still feel like I had to ask.

We all miss you. My memories of you are all so precious, but are filled with sadness. It’s only recently joy joined that sadness when I remember you. I know that I was already fourteen when you passed away, almost old enough to have my own grimoire. But in reality, it was way too soon, I wasn’t ready to become head. I was still a child. Often, when I’m facing a difficult hardship, I still feel that fourteen year old boy inside of me who just lost his mother.

We had a terrible time after you were taken from us and some wounds will always leave a scar behind. But now, all four of us are better and stronger to move forward. You’ll be proud of Noelle, how far and powerful she became. Of Nebra, how she took father’s lesson to make things better and to help me dealing with the nobles. Of Solid, how he tries to become a better person and the efforts he puts it. I’m proud of all of them, of the Silver Eagles, of house Silva becoming more open and less a golden cage. and finally, I start to be a bit proud of myself as well.

Many of those things, Vanessa gave me the courage to do it and I hope I give her the same. I love her so much, mother. Our path is by far not over and there is still a stony way in front of us, but I know that we can win this fight and face the hardships together. I have no idea where this certainty comes from. But I think you would encourage me, like you always did. I’m sorry I took your words at heart so late, but thank you for everything you ever taught me.

I love you, mother.

Your oldest son Nozel Silva

♣♣♣

“Honey, you finished writing already?”

Nozel looked up, smiling at Vanessa who was lying lazily on his bed, wearing only his bathrobe. It was incredible how it looked better on her than on him. But he couldn’t really judge, he never wore his bathrobe more than two or three times in his life.

Her pose was almost seductive and Nozel couldn’t help but blush. He always blushed so easily around her. Nozel would have tried to fight it, but his blush always made Vanessa incredibly happy, so he didn’t have any reason to fight it back.

Nozel looked down at his letter. He still felt like he could tell more, how happy and grateful he was to love Vanessa, how he finally get a grip of himself… But at the same time, what he wrote seemed more than enough so that his mother would understand what he wanted to tell her.

In the end, writing this letter wasn’t as foolish as it seemed. It was incredibly soothing, indeed like a healing process. Maybe he would continue to write letters to his mother once in a while.

Nozel put his quill aside and stood up to join Vanessa on his bed.

“What were you writing? Squad stuff?” Vanessa asked as she cuddled against him, her head on his shoulder.

“No, it was more personal… A letter to my mother. I know that she’s long gone and won’t read it, but… I still like to think that it will reach her, somehow. It was soothing.”

“Then it is clearly something you needed, honey. What did you tell her?”

“That I fell in love with the most wonderful woman in the world and that I feel blessed to have her in my heart.”

“My, little Eagle, I love how poetic you become when you talk about me.”

Nozel just chuckled, placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head. Vanessa hummed, nuzzling more against his shoulder. Yes, he was truly blessed to have her in his life and he truly believed that in a way or another, his mother will learn about it.

I’m so happy for you, my sweet son. Cherish your time with her.

[bleachbleachbleach]

5/24 - 5/31/24

I've been having BIG emotions all week (about racecars; about getting to see best friends and old colleagues; about my life choices [for once, positively]; about multiple retirement parties and people I want to be when *I* grow up). And of course, about my Bleach blorbos. I haven't had time to actually write, due to needing/wanting to focus on life things, but I have spent a lot of time daydreaming different iterations of one particular scene, because I have also spent like 30 hours driving (and have either 8 or 12 to do today, depending on how the Great Construction Conspiracy goes) and what else am I going to do besides try not to get destroyed by white Silverados??

I do have a written version of this scene already, but I don't think I'll use it. It's from Hisagi's POV (in every iteration it is from Hisagi's POV), which is probably a dumb POV to do the scene from, but the other two characters involved can have their version of it in a few chapters, too. The problem with Hisagi's version, aside from him definitely third-wheeling it, is that Hisagi's relative lack of real context and his imagined context of the 92 other things he's thinking about mean that this one scene connects obliquely to like three other trains of thought that are... not really related but related in his mind. And some of them are in his chapter, and others are scattered across a bunch of other chapters as Things Hisagi Thought and Then Impulsively Shared, so that's a bit difficult to keep track of as I continue to change the scene.

I feel like the scene itself is probably only going to be like 7 actual lines, in the end, just because it's stuff I really like writing but am shy about sharing, so most of this is probably just for me. 🫣

Other thoughts:

-- I met a new guy at my old workplace whom I decided I do not like but who is definitely a Joe Shinigami. Like, I feel like he's Renji's dark double. He's very gregarious, and can tell a rollicking story (or thinks he can; he performs well, but it's maybe... too performed? too self-aware of how much character he is bringing to the plate? even as he's performing something self-deprecating?). He's a poet with the most jock energy I've ever encountered from a guy with an MFA. And, having participated in an MFA soccer league for multiple years (as a non-MFA interloper), I'm not saying that out of some misapprehension that poets can't also be jocks or vice versa. It's jock ENERGY specifically. I dunno, it's kinda like he'd LIKE to be Renji or was written to be Renji, and it's similar enough to be uncanny but wrong enough to be Wrong. And instead of really liking him in the way I really like Renji, I'm just like "Man, this guy sucks." XPP

I feel like this is probably someone that Kira definitely knows in the poetry circles and he's had this exact same review process about him.

-- I was at a dental appointment yesterday and my hygienist was talking about [American] football, which is something I know approximately three things about; but these three magic beans were enough to ignite her passion. She knew all the players by name and was describing the coaches and coaching style and their entire histories, and how much she liked and trusted this coach guy, and her enthusiasm was very lovely.

But because I am absolutely addled in the head with blorbo disease, during this entire football conversation my mind was running a backing track about how the way this woman knew and talked about JIM HARBAUGH was probably really similar to how people perceived AIZEN SOUSUKE pre-defection, and how even though we only see Hinamori struggle with feelings of ambivalence where Aizen is concerned and everyone else is straightforwardly angry/anti-Aizen, that's probably not actually true and Hinamori's feelings probably ARE echoed in many. Frankly probably in Hitsugaya, even though he's probably the most demonstratively anti-Aizen person anyone knows (depending on whether you were present for the Winter War or not; if you weren't then maybe you don't know anything). Because despite the fact that he seems fairly wary by nature and was rude about Aizen even when everyone thought Aizen was Good Guy Jim Harbaugh, I think Hitsugaya liked and trusted (/entrusted Aizen with) even more than even Hitsugaya thought Hitsugaya did. I'm basing this on exactly one panel in this essay I will--

"Man, the Lions did so well last season, didn't they!"

[sitehound]

Gumi is an extremely imposing person. She does her best not to be rude nor impolite but she's definitely a case of being the sort where you can't fully remove the former delinquent from her. Even despite the policing accolades, the academic achievements, she's an incredibly gruff and assertive personality.

This choice was complimentary and meant to juxtapose her against Hotaru, who does everything in his power to minimize himself for others.

Gumi is very specifically inspired by the loose cannon, bastard detective trope. This is an image often wielded by men in media. Men get the luxury of being the difficult, but ultimately brilliant genius who have unorthodox methods but gets the job done. When this trope is given to women, I've never liked it just because of how it's handled? It usually has unnecessary emasculating comments about the dick size of their colleagues and how she doesn't have a dick but if she did it'd be SO much bigger blah blah blah.

I wanted to create a character who occupied this unquestioned space of competence and confidence without necessarily being too Hashtag Girl Boss Lean In, Ladies! In my efforts to avert that, Gumi is someone who does try to be polite and mindful of others, but is also exceedingly stubborn and won't listen to the counsel of others if her detective instincts push her a certain way.

I discuss my horror inspirations with Hotaru a lot. In horror games, it's the women who are unarmed where their objective is to just survive and not be taken advantage of. I'm reminded of Bioshock Infinite where Elizabeth, in Burial at Sea, can't even use a shotgun the way the earlier male protagonist of the game could; it's too heavy for her, she can't keep as much ammunition in it.

And I often think of Silent Hill 3 with Heather and the violation of her bodily autonomy being a source of horror. Same with Haunting Ground. It was that which inspired Hotaru, essentially putting him into the role of the vulnerable maiden and what that means in a society that values masculinity.

Gumi, on the other hand, is given the power we would traditionally associate with the male protagonist. Which is to say, she is given the luxury of being armed. With female horror protagonists, there tends to be more of a stealth element or, as I've said, the horror of loss of autonomy.

That is not the case with Gumi. I think "this trope, but the other gender with no changes" can be lazy or poor writing. So for Gumi, a lot of her imposing height and demeanor influences how she is perceived. I think Gumi is attractive, but when one weighs her against the Japanese beauty standards imposed onto women, as well as the expected behaviors of women, she is directly against it.

Gumi, by definition, is meant to occupy space and voice in a way that is not afforded to women, but especially not in relation to the fetishistic perceptions of East Asian women as needing to be small, demure, quiet, and submissive.

The fact that Gumi is so viscerally unpleasant is a form of rebellion against control. This does, in fact, isolate her from her peers and gives many people a negative impression of her. Policing is a male-dominated field and Gumi experienced a lot of misogyny and sexual harassment which ultimately drove her out of the force, as well as realizing the oppression that went into being a police officer for a nation with a 99% conviction rate.

I got a bit off track here, but it's all to say that the difference between Hotaru and Gumi is that Hotaru is the type of horror protagonist we often see in women, where their autonomy is at stake and their means of defending themselves and strength are very limited. Whereas Tsugumi Mochida walks into the fog with a gun and has the quick thinking and strength we often seen attributed to male protagonists.

When I say, I write Gumi like "what if a man were a woman", it's not to take these traits from one spectrum to another with zero changes without acknowledging socialization. It is more to say, I am examining what a woman must do in order to have these traits, how they are perceived with them, and what refusal to adhere to conventional performances of femininity does to a woman, how it ostracizes her.

This is also not addressing the fact that I portray Gumi as autistic in a culture which is very heavy on implied meanings in daily conversation. So not only does Gumi deal with the othering inherent to being a woman, but as well as an autistic women, as well as a queer woman who has decentered the importance of men in her life.

I have no interest in making Gumi a man-hating portrayal, I don't think that's fundamentally helpful writing and it leans too hard into "I'm not like other girls! I'm better!" Gumi isn't meant to not be like the other girls, she is meant to be othered and different, but capable of finding love and community in other women, as well as men.

Anyways this is long as fuck but feminism is genuinely my passion and I am constantly thinking about women's portrayal in media as well as society. I could say so much more but this is like. A Gumi primer because I really didn't go into the importance of her queerness and autism and what these traits mean for women in her circumstances.

[pelagicmoon]

yesterday i met a dragonfly named God ///

6/23/24 sunday

“To write is to objectify dreams, to create an outer world as a material reward [?] of our nature as creators.”

-The Book of Disquiet, Fernando Pessoa

the more i tell it to people the more i become a heretic because by making this a story i’m confining the sky and the mountains and the nightfall to my own cage like i’m running some sort of freak show. the desire to write is the nefarious drive to possess.

andrew and i were walking in a certain part of the catskills we had been visiting. in a group who had decided to hike up a mountain nearby, it was only the two of us that decided to track back to the lodge when it began darkening. the sun was disappearing. the air was cold because of the altitude. there was the looming threat of bears.

we had already made our way down the mountain and now we trod upon a roughish road that wound pretty thinly. our phones picked up no service. along our way, sparsely, stood houses that seemed to be getting strangled by the sun’s afterglow. by god the sky was so open and so pink, like some perfect fruit.

at about this time i had noticed an insect by my side. many insects had already been hailing (or had it been dust) towards my body and it was difficult to resist the temptation to wipe my arm through the air. but at the same time i’d started to recognize that we humans were closest to these insects in our fundamental tininess of our individual influences on the great world. this insect, though, whom i’ll call a dragonfly because that’s one of the only insect names i know, had appeared a couple paces back, and instead of flying off haphazardly was staying with me. i found this odd and pointed it out to andrew.

as we continued, we approached a husk of a cabin on the left side of the road. ominously behind it and nearly sinking into a stream was a shed that was spray-painted with a message that read something like “fish for sale, on demand”. apparently andrew saw an old couple watching television in the house, although i saw nothing of the kind.

i heard later that he had been considering knocking on their door for some sort of help or direction. as he was doing so, i had reminded him a second time (it had already been about ten minutes of walking) that the dragonfly was still with us. i mentioned that this little insect was escorting us down the road. now apparently the cabin he was looking at had this morbid aura, and although i didn’t really think about it at that time, i’ll believe him. he told me that the second time, he really took account of the dragonfly, and retrospectively that this dragonfly had urged him past the cabin.

we got back to the lodge eventually, partially due to the help of a woman with a young child and a dog, who had passed us by in her car and turned back to ask where we were going.

and yet i feel like our “safety” from that supposedly unwelcoming cabin was only the materialistic way our human minds could perceive the benevolence this dragonfly had bestowed on us. if i were to even come close to truly respecting the dragonfly with human words, i’d use the word “mother”. maybe someone will tell me it was just a mosquito that was looking to feed off of us. no matter– it is already an honor that somebody decided to join us. i really felt as if i was in some type of heaven and that i did not belong there. i am fortunate to have been not only spared by the things there, but also placed under their care.

i often say that there are two types of people: secular people and asecular people. secular people love things. asecular people don’t really love because things, including their own bodies, seem too small for them to scrutinize, except when it’s when love is without direction and surrounds them like the air or something. i felt surrounded evenly and uncompromisingly with that love that time i met the dragonfly. every time i swat at an insect on my leg, i am sinning. i should be happy that somebody loves me that much.

take me home, country roads

[bengiyo]

Mood Indigo (2019) Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

Last time, we picked up with our prequel as remembered from Kido and Kijima remembering from a bar. Both were in a difficult position when they met at a class reunion and have decided to cohabitate. Kido offered Kijima an opportunity to write erotica, but Kijima initially refused. There’s a sadness to this story that is making me moody, and has partly-delayed my resumption…and there’s just a lot of stuff airing right now.

Thankfully I have watched the first show, and know that any overt sex shown at the beginning of an episode is likely a scene from one of his books.

Fascinating that Rio so quickly began to appreciate the craft of the genre.

Episode 2: Begging the Forgotten Time

The match scene was pretty stylish.

Kijima having issues with his anti-intellectual father is not a surprise.

Okay…I really hate realistic vomit.

“No more drinking.” Well we know that didn’t fly.

I do like them considering the reality that working in erotic fiction might be perceived as sleazy to a potential spouse’s parents.

Part of the fun of prequels is knowing end points and being fascinated by the journey. We know Kido will stay with his company, and we know Kijima is going to keep writing novels. Now the question isn’t really whether he gets the book from this retiring author, but rather what Kijima spending time with him does to the two of them.

Ah, the old man was hoping for a horny young woman to mess around with.

I really hope Kijima fucks this old man.

Is this man really playing out the “This guy is fuckable, but I don’t want to fuck him myself. Someone come fuck this guy for me,” post??

Now, I knew these two have definitely fucked at least twice, but I was not expecting it to be to titillate a pervy old man to get a book from him.

So many fluids this episode! I’m absolutely fascinated by these two remaining close since Kido later has a family with someone.

[divinekangaroo]

Fav season of peaky? Why..

Best gal for Tommy? Why..

Is death the best end for Tommy? Why..

Thank you 😊

Fav season of peaky?

Season 5, season 6 close second, because of Themes.

In an interesting outcome, S5 is better for what then happens in S6. Tommy's experiencing the emotional/moral trauma/consequences of the deferred traumas of all his other seasons' worth of activity by S5 and yet still pushing forward, because it's all he knows how to do (all about action) and it's what he thinks needs to be done (do good things that can only be done by a 'bad' man because of what/how he has to do it), and the ego aspect is thinking only he is capable of doing it and what that then means for him/everyone around him; putting himself into an even worse pressure cooker (British politics stretching into global impacts) for which he is blatantly unprepared and honestly, feels like he's floundering, compounded by the class/sexual/political/ethnic attacks imposed by Mosley all in one aristocratically snarly package? So interesting. The dynamic between him (good man doing bad things for good reasons and perceived as a bad man) and Mosley (framed as evil and righteous and all things accepted by British culture as proper) is insane. That sense of creators creating a situational pressure cooker and watching to wait for it to go bang...

I do struggle to rate the plotline in S5 / S6 - so many coincidences, so much happenstance, so many things that even on detailed rewatch and script reading and headscratching I grapple with. But thematically wow. S1, S2 and S3 were better written/plotted, S4 felt like huge amounts of fun and was dramatically and visually great, but S5 and S6 for thematic emphasis.

Best gal for Tommy?

IE, who would be the most healthful? Jessie Eden. Ironic how it ended with her, because that was the one relationship where I was like, this woman who, in and of her characterisation only, is someone who could work with him as a partner and who would recognise and navigate his traumas without adding to them or taking them on her own shoulders. Everyone else, there were huge swings and roundabouts in power dynamics, blame, self blame etc. If he'd married Jessie between S4 and S5, he might have actually been equipped for S5's confrontations. Although that would have created a very different story XD.

I do love watching/writing Tommy x Lizzie for multiple reasons, and I do think there is love and care there, but they have a conflicted and complicated relationship which makes it difficult to say "this is best for Tommy".

I don't believe May would have been good long term for reasons explained before. May also wasn't love, it was just...fun. And sex, and interest. I don't think May could have ever accepted who he was. And I don't believe Grace would have been good long term because Tommy immediately put her on the most insane pedestal, and I think he was too immature to recognise that; I imagine they would have divorced, or similar to my thoughts on May, he would have had a diifferent kind of (and much earlier) breakdown through forcing himself into a mould he didn't fit into. And I know there's this thing about "only you see me" with Grace after he beat a man to death; but that was one act only, his violence, and it was a reachout to balance Grace's own violent act which was also scaring her right then. But that didn't get anywhere near his lying, his deceiving, his dealing - in S3 it was immediately obvious Grace was unaware of the extent of what Tommy does for business; I think it was represented that he did definitely love her, but he was also putting on a front for her no matter that line or his love, and I think that would have backfired at some point.

Is death the best end for Tommy?

Nope. Get old, live, suffer, live, learn, go to prison, still have to live, actually change, actually grow, etc. Also more storylines if he lives!

Plot and theme wise, I think it would be SUCH a cop out to have him die in any closing movie. There's nothing very appealing about this idea of repentence through death-sacrifice. There's also too much religious connotation to that to be of purpose with who Tommy's character is, slipping into a saint's martyrdom or a jesus-like sacrifice feels too easy.

Plus, they've now effectively done a death (and subverted) in S2 (brilliant), S5 and S6 (very good for very different reasons to S2), substituted Arthur's death in S4, and had a few representations of 'little death' in S3, so if they repeated that? Like how many ways can they do this?

I mean, repentence through death has always itched at me though, because he doesn't seem repentent? He does have a sense of wanting to balance bad acts with good, but he doesn't exactly regret those bad acts...only their consequences if they bounce back at him.

I suppose I could buy into a cool shock-value death sequence if he dies through pure incidental mischance in the first fifteen minutes of the movie and the rest is about how his brothers/family have to pull their shit together for revenge, but not a death-as-repentence sequence.

[dhul-qarnayn]

Deep Sea Creatures

Its only after you do the [controversial action] then leave it for the sake of ---- that I interpret as being used for purposes of encouragement to seek out that which could substitute for what was perceived as a loss

but what about if you don't participate in the controversial action in the first place, for that same reason, is that of value to the humans? It is of value to the Creator we are told in the Qur'an the reward for leaving off . I believe it of more value for the person and maybe that person alone.

to speak about things that might encourage man to forgo x for a greater purpose. - in certain cases a spiritual gratification and connection beyond this world. Could also be Out of Love --so not exactly a "giving up" …It hurts to write a word I do not vocalize.

There are those special humans who through intellectual and heart discovery --find it on their own..and others who watch what the well known do in relation to what they now leave off… I'm not able to conclude that sharing what one leaves off is encouraging to others on a general level.

I experienced derision from both genders at a certain stage of life though nothing physically, I could tell, changed, an opportunity arose decades later that would have been a public response to those insults. It ended up answering something of much more value.

When I signed my K, I added 3 no clauses ---all 3 were of which I would be best suited [lol] for. Butt, "accidents" got through to me.

What is encouraging to me as a Believer, is that I was at Major crossroads - at that time, there was no excitement even when I accepted work, for this, I knew immediately what I wanted for my life when the opportunity came.

we have a prayer - what I received was beyond tailored to what I needed to know about myself and what I needed to do.

Focusing in on one aspect of this is difficult.

What was it?

Before it went diverse, pre-"inclusion" - a sports publication features a once a year edition for swim- made an offer.

I had purchased this 1x many years ago because of a basketball edition and was vaguely aware that this aspect of edition even existed as I was being offered, if you asked me prior - in my mind, this feature was throwing a bone to the ladies in the form of a "sales catalog?" ( i never opened one) that featured women aspiring to be athletic in some way. I would not be able to reconcile if asked why a woman would purchase it and never considered men did.

Oddly enough the model --around a decade prior, invited me to a celebration of her being on the cover. I was sad to miss out on her friendship --I was just coming off the most challenging year of my life. I hadn't even made the connection 1. what her celebration was for or 2. that when my time came-years later... it would be at the second most challenging time---how interesting-- at that 2nd low pt, where no person 'of regard' or invitation to - came but I was frozen, I was floored and busted.

Praise the Lord, Those times are over.

What prompted me to recall this {screen shot souvenirs of it occasionally circulate my home screen --hard copy is probably headed to the dungeon/scrapbooked which is no longer needed) is I noticed there was some discussion of what else is being uncovered now in terms of conversion - an exploration of what makes someone so steadfast and committed in times of disaster.

There are lots of conversions being featured now, celebrities, other faiths, in what they fully participated in but THEN left off...and that interesting case of those researching it for fact, then being subsumed. Probably not unlike those during 9 eleven. As Muslims - nothing to be happy about because those best situated should be generating more invitation person to person rather than making it difficult for those but who possess rare faculties and blessings to reach it on their own ---only after such tragedy.

So it seems like a search for the truth is uncovered during pain not during joy. One is not prompted to know oneself during periods of ease. I feel that derivation fully enhances moments of joy when they do happen and in fact sustain them for longer periods with a longer history of "pain" if properly directed.

It helped with the derision… Next year will be a decade later and it is a case where I know and experience my inner world with something else …all that was the generosity of time and pain.

even getting me into a position to hear such words…

would be impossible for most.

There are many things between us that gives me quiet amusement --even what happened today. I don't even recognize x until someone points it out.

I feel almost guilty in experiencing. It try not to get off on it - at all.

I want to add about who else I did it for but I can't.

I want to scream it -

[foxymoxynoona]

I may not be following the flow of your new fanfics, because I like to wait for them to accumulate. But one thing I want to say is that I constantly read the "older" ones and I'll give you a personal account, it's about the lonely blue egg jk! I know it wasn't the point of your fic, but as the story progressed and reached the end, when we started to observe Jungkook's dynamic with her mother, I related intensely. Growing up as a fat girl and having a thin mother, it was very difficult to please her, the desires and projections she unloaded on me distorted my view of many things in my life, especially love relationships, until I came to my senses and matured. Seeing his desperation to please and be accepted struck a chord I hadn't even remembered. I wanted to hug this baby penguin and tell him that there was never anything wrong with him, that he was loved and that the woman who had him would be very proud of him for being who he is. I never let myself be blinded by my mother's standards, but I know that deep down I wanted to prove something to her, at least to have the satisfaction of "see, I did it". again, I know that our couple's context wasn't that, but I just wanted to point that out because I love the way my mind can wander with your writing, it's like the gears in my brain work and lead me to a conclusion, I guess that's why mental health professionals have to read so much.

analyzing the behavior of the characters more calmly, I venture to say that the love language of this jk, would be words of affirmation, am I wrong?

(like, what he likes to receive)

I think you're right about his love language! And I think Rana's may be acts of service, though certainly physical affection is core for her/them too.

Thank you for telling me some of your story and I'm so sorry you've dealt with that --I too was not physically what my parents had hoped for and grew up with that pain, though when I've talked to my mom as an adult about it she was shocked to hear how i felt and then immediately said things just like it, and I realized she was as much a victim of those expectations as I was. It's a hard road to learn to love yourself despite how others perceive you and I really admire your success that! I am still a work in progress but go to great lengths to make sure the cycle doesn't get repeated for my kiddos, and that's helped me more too!

I really try to draw deep when I write my stories and I'm touched that you could connect with that part of it. Thank you for reading it!

[kannra21]

you’ve got this nasty habit of starting arguments with useless, baseless facts and then pretend to be all high and mighty even though none of what you said makes sense. You trying to be “badass” and “ending” people will never not be funny. you just look stupid.

this is the second time you’re doing this after the whole misogyny incident.

Eh I think you're the one who's stupid enough to come to my blog and write nonsense, accusing me of something that's absolutely not true simply bc you're not seeing the bigger picture and you're lacking critical thinking. Plus every statement I've made was backed up by evidence. You won't aknowledge it bc reality doesn't align with your frame of thinking and you're emotional.

Woman side of the fandom is very hypocritical. You can have a hoe phase and expect men not to care about your past. But when a man (in this case Gojo) does the exact same thing your feelings get hurt? Hypocrisy.

Now that you've touched the topic, no, I'm not a misogynist. I'm a woman so it doesn't make sense. I just don't support hookup culture that's so normalized nowadays. Plus men get insecure if you've slept with multiple partners bc he will never satisfy you. You had so much experience, what if some other dude you've slept with fucked u better than him? You keep comparing him with everyone you've ever been with. And if a man truly loves you he wants to be the only one who can satisfy you. The benefit goes both ways. And couples who have active sexual life are much happier, bc you're obsessed with each other. You can't be obsessed with your man if he can't fuck you correctly. You can't keep thinking about Adrian while Nate fucks you. Women with experience are difficult to please. And if he can't please you he feels less of a man.

Like, he wants you to be happy and he wants to be the only one who can give you this happiness. Why do you think men like watching their woman's face when doing the deal? Bc they care about how you feel. And it feeds their male ego if he's the only one who can make you feel this good. You're his woman. Nobody can have you. And this possessiveness and dominance makes a man so hot. And confident and secure too. It sounds primal and funny and "haha men are such cavemen" but be honest with yourself, you like it too.

I agree that he had a fboy phase but he's not a cheater. People need to understand the difference between the two. Gojo is absolutely loyal in a relationship, but he never found his girl. Bc he never got a chance at being intimate with someone on serious terms. He never formed a bond with anyone bc he knows that deep inside he's broken. And that he's lacking in many ways. He has a lousy personality. He said so himself in ch11. Plus he's the ethical type and he's not playing with anyone's feelings. I believe that Gojo is kind and he knows that love is a very serious thing, TMMTS ch1. So at least he's openly casual ab it, nobody's feelings get hurt and everyone is happy.

Since men have this hormone called testosterone and their drives are often much higher than women's (this is smtng we girls don't rly understand bc we don't need it as much as they do), there's a certain factor called "male ego". He can't jack off. It's embarrassing and humiliating. Bc of the "post nut syndrome" and the way you feel like a loser etc. etc. Like ok, women perceive it as a pleasurable experience, but with men it's not the same. They feel guilt. Bc there's no mental stimulus, like woman's praise and gratitude. When a man can make a woman happy he feels like a king, like an achiever, like he did something. He feels like THE man, he's on top of the world, he matters. He's her hero. There's a phrase "happy wife, happy life". Woman gives importance to a man. Without women, men often times feel useless or unimportant. Unfulfilled. Men will pick a real woman over a hand any day. Bc if you're a man, you know you have ultimately made it in life if you managed to become the epitome of a woman's desire. Especially in their peak years when boys simply can't help themselves.

He's a hero and a protector.

And Gojo happens to be handsome enough that he can afford it. What's stopping him? He can make so many girls happy and it would feed his male ego (like a mutual agreement). I mean, you can't have a massive cock down there and not do anything with it. That would be a shame and a wasted potential.

Idk I think it would be sad if he never felt a woman's touch before. V cards are for losers if you're a man. And I agree with the belief that a man appears more attractive when desired by other women. It gives him attractiveness boost. The more testosterone the manly the man. And every girl likes a manly man.

But I believe that he gave up his hoe phase when all this became old to him, when this hormonal craze stopped. And he realized that nobody will love him on a personal level. So he just stopped. Now he's an adult in his late 20s, he cares ab the safety of their world and other more important things. He's more serious, more mature and more experienced. He can confidently wife up someone. He can be a provider and a protector.

But he can't bc he's a bit messed up inside and he needs therapy first. I can fix him tho

[sanii-333]

New & Struggling Author!!

I have just joined tumblr! For....HuaLian purposes, but after cavorting about, flitting from post to post like a seasoned Quora user, I feel compelled to post about this dilemma.

I'm aware, I'm aware,

It's overzealous to think about the fame of your own thought-child, before you even decide to conceive it.

But I cannot help but think about an issue, that issue being how one of the somewhat present villains in my novel may be perceived!

It irks me, that future readers may feel as if she and one of the protagonists she antagonizes would be a "shippable" couple....purely on the basis that she is a woman.

I've seen this countless times, with female abusers portrayed by the media. They're romanticized, their torment taken as some sort of erotic display of dominance. Many users are very desperate for a "strong female character" or they want a "dominant female" character so they may intentionally or unintentionally take in a female abuser, simply on the basis that they look conventionally attractive. I want to give male victims of statutory rape a responsible and hopefully empowering representation...but I'm afraid that part of my future would-be fandom (gosh that sounds so silly to say) would end up sexualizing this and glorifying her behavior while shipping her to her younger victim.

While the answer to this moral quandary may just be laying off the screen time for a bit and focusing on writing, every time I do write, I end up thinking about this possibility when characterizing her, and it disgusts me to a great amount. So and so I have a difficult time writing and I find myself succumbing to trepidation.

Does anyone have any tips?

[terranoctis]

Favorites of February

I got to enjoy some rather strong stories this month. They're not listed in this post, but I had more short films to watch this month than I did previous month, by nature of me being busier with family coming from out of town and then going on a trip. I have to say--it's wild to try and watch a short film at 3am right before you go to sleep because it's the only time you have to yourself in a house full of people. However, oddly enough, I think I watched more feature-length films this month that I liked a ton, more so than last month. I've managed another month! It's getting more difficult to slim down favorite selections from each category because there's so many good songs and stories out there. There's honestly a novel and a few other movies I thought about including as well, but this list of favorites is long enough as it is. As before, spoiler warnings with a few of my thoughts:

Films:

Anatomy of a Fall (2023) I can see why this film was nominated for Best Picture (notably it also won the Palme D'Or at Cannes, which is quite prestigious when you consider previous winners like Parasite). It's perhaps one of the best-written films and directed films I've had the chance to see this year, and provokes quite a bit of thinking into the human condition and how we perceive an individual in the microcosm of something like a death and suspected murder. The movie itself centers on whether a woman had involvement in her husband's death from a fall or not, but the film notably is more concerned with how it affects the various people about, like her son and her life in the center of the trial as well as the scrutiny everyone else has on them. I think this is one of the few movies that my words kind of inadequately fail to address how smart and good this film is. Sandra Huller is a tour de force in this film. That being said--I will say the way the court system is portrayed in this film is a little comical. I'm sure I don't know a thing about the French justice system--but in what world are people constantly allowed to interject during a cross-examination?

American Fiction (2023) I don't know if it will win, but I truly hope American Fiction wins for best Adapted Screenplay this year. I have one more film I need to see in the adapted screenplay category of those nominated for the Oscars, but I would say this one in particular was my favorite screenplay so far. Granted, I have not read the source material so I can't attest to how faithfully it adapts the novel Erasure, but as a film, I thought it was quite well-written. It's a film that focuses on how writing presents itself and the concept of embracing stereotypes in order to sell a book. I think it was particularly witty in its approach. Jeffrey Wright does a great job in his role. I kind of loved this movie in particular because it's about how language is used and depicted to sell--and the irony of having to sell out who you are in order to be something others think you are for.

Spirited Away: Live on Stage (2022) It's strange how this stage play feels more true to its source material, the wonderful Spirited Away film from Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli, than all live film adaptations I can recall at the moment that I've seen of other animated films. The stage play embraces the strange spirits you see in the colorful world of Spirited Away and wholeheartedly delves into how stagecraft works. In contrast to how films embrace some visual effects, the stage play embraces wholeheartedly the audience's capability to experience a live stage play constructed of so many people working to perform. You kind of marvel at Kaonashi being made of several dancers shrouded in black. You giggle and watch in awe the various puppeteers who act the roles of the spirt creatures. You feel everything in the way Chihiro acts and the moving music from Joe Hisaishi. It's one of the best plays I've seen.

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2021) I wanted to see this film when it came out a few years back, but for one reason or another, didn't have a chance to. I am honestly so happy I got to see it this month. It's a strange little film, a hybrid live / stop-motion animated film about a shell named Marcel and a man named Dean who films a mockumentary about Marcel's life. It's in some ways a slice of life film, though there is the through arc of Marcel's search for his family. The film is one of the most charming films I've ever seen and I couldn't help smiling when I was watching it. It's a film that illustrates community and connection in such a charmingly absurd way. It's a film that probably will be one of my feel-good films for years to come.

The Piano (1993) This is perhaps one of the best shot period films I've ever seen. There are beautiful shots in its cinematography, both in a wide landscape context and framed shots of mundane things like her portrait or a cup of tea. Its premise is strong too, with a mute female lead named Ada and a precocious young daughter moving to an island with her new husband and some local natives and a local farmer. There are some questionable choices in narrative: woman falls in love with man who tries to bargain with her into sleeping with him by holding her piano hostage. However, in this story, it's also one of the few choices Ada has made for herself and you can slightly forgive this plot choice in the face of the lack of agency she has in the overall context of story. Ada being mute adds a layer of complexity to this, but in many ways, Ada's story is also the story of any woman during this time subject to male's whims. It's quite telling her only sense of joy and independence is her love for her piano--and the film shows tragically quite how much her surroundings can take that away from her. Even the only love she has for a man is in relation to her piano. The piano is truly the vessel of her agency and the film beautifully illustrates all this. Sometimes even when agency has been taken from us though, we find it again in other kinds of places (and pianos) and try to live. I'm not sure I liked the ending, but I do like that it didn't have to end in her death, I think. So many times we've had that tragic Anna Karenina death that I don't necessarily want it every time a woman is forced to lose her agency and her love.

Song of the Sea (2014) As someone who has personally been into Irish/Celtic folklore and seen the artwork for Song of the Sea for years, I've always wanted to see this film. Having now seen it, it's perhaps one of my favorite animated films ever. It sort of brings the same kind of joy and wonder to my heart that Spirited Away did the first time I saw it. I'm certain the animation, music, and the story being steeped in that folklore puts it on a higher notch for me than it should, so I will admit I'm biased, but even so, I just sort of loved this film in the way I loved certain older fantasy novels as a child. It's like knowing that it's not going to be the best book for everyone else and it's not even technically the best animation out there for its time, but somehow it's just the book I want to read. So I loved it. Lisa Hannigan has also been a voice I've been listening to for years and I was pleasantly surprised to hear her in the film's soundtrack. The film also sort of had a personal connection for me, as a younger sister to one older brother. We don't always get along, but there's that kind of sibling affection that perseveres regardless-- as it does in this film.

Twelfth Night, performed at the Globe (2012) Twelfth Night holds a special place in my heart for being my first Shakespeare play and how it handles fluidity in gender roles and the romances depicted. This in particular was a fantastic performance that kept most true the comedic timing and staging I imagined Shakespeare envisioned during his time. TN being performed in the historic Globe theatre and having an all-male cast adds a layer of callback to the past where Shakespeare plays were staged with all men. Mark Rylance as Olivia is perhaps one of the funniest actors I've seen in a more traditionally-styled play--and yet it's also something I wasn't sure exactly if I liked. In my reading of the play, I always envisioned Olivia as a more reserved woman (with intelligence level to Viola's), even if there is comedy in her accidentally being besotted with Viola. Rylance's depiction brings Olivia to a whole new level of laughter (with impeccable comedic timing), but his performance also in some ways shifts Olivia to a shrill and impetuous woman in love. However, that's drama--there are only so much words on a page will do in acting. In the end, an actor brings the character to life--and I both liked and disliked how Olivia was brought to life. Nonetheless, this was a fantastic live performance that had me laughing the way I imagined a crowd of Shakespearean times had.

Literature

"An Oresteia: Agamemnon by Aiskhylos, Elektra by Sophokles, Orestes by Euripides", translated by Anne Carson I think tumblr users will know this translation in particular because it's the infamous lines Orestes and Pylades share with one another in the form of "I'll take care of you / It's rotten work / Not to me. Not if it's you." That line is still fantastic in the context of the play. That being said, I did think Elektra was the most interesting to me of the three plays. Elektra's words could be haunting and beautiful in some scenes. Anne's translation of the plays does a great job of making these Greek tragedies much more accessible to a contemporary audience, and she makes it more poetic. I read Orestes in a seemingly more literal translation prior to reading her translation, and she does a good job of making the words breathe and fun to read by comparison. I'm not an Ancient Greek scholar, however, so I cannot attest to how accurate her translations are. Fun aside to this is that I am watching a very intriguing performance, done with masks and drums, of all the plays of the Oresteia which I hope to finish sometime this year. There are three plays in the Oresteia traditionally, and in total, the trilogy of plays is five hours long. It should be noted the stage play's Oresteia notably differs from Carson's selection for Oresteia, since I believe it's all from Euripides whereas Carson selects from different playwrights for her collection.

"Circe" by Madeleine Miller So this month was clearly my Greek tragedy/mythology month. I finally took the time to read and finish this! I loved her other novel "The Song of Achilles" and knew I wanted to read this too. It's easy to compare the two since they're written by the same author, but they are also very different in themes and execution. If TSOA is about profound love for one person and the focus on a hero from one beside him, then Circe focuses more on loving your mortality and the experiences that come with it as the person experiencing it directly. It's a story that namely brings voice to a character in a margin of the Odyssey and other Greek tales. Miller continues to enamor me with how she writes. I shifted between reading it directly from a copy of the novel my friend gifted to me and listening to the audiobook of it, which gave me both experiences of the prose--and they were both good, in my opinion. It is a tad long-winded at times, but I still enjoyed it.

Music

"Give Me Love," Jessie Reid Her voice and the instrumentals in this track are beautiful and haunting at the same time. It's a song I find myself listening to on cold mornings and walks.

"Bottle Rocket," Jimi Somewhere I first heard this in Anyone But You and though the film was an alright film (enjoyable, but not the best rom-com out there), this song in particular sold the dramatic climax of the film. Its piano riff is one of the most memorable I've heard in a song in awhile.

"Too Much," girl in red So... as a pansexual/bi woman, I have heard of girl in red, but have not quite listened to her songs. I heard this new track while looking for new songs though and it kind of made me fall in love with her? It's a song right up my alley and perfectly encapsulates in lyrics the way someone you love can make you feel so small.

"lavender," JVKE (feat. Pink Sweat$) Happened to hear this song on a new release playlist and I rather like the music. Lyrically it's not quite that strong, but somehow the music and the layering of his voice in the track's production makes me keep listening to this song. I'm interested in hearing more of his songs in the future. He has some pretty good songs. Special shoutout as well to JVKE's Golden Hour, which I first listened to this month and should be on this list as well--but I didn't want to drag my list out.

"Amhrán Na Farraige", Lisa Hannigan There are several variations of this particular song, with and without singing, but I am particularly fond of the song being sung in Irish. The song is from a fantastic soundtrack written by Bruno Coulais and Kila for Song of the Sea, sung in this instance by Lisa Hannigan, whom I have loved listening to since I was in high school. It's such a beautiful song for a lovely, charming film.