#i wouldn't survive this without the silly games on my phone

[spacelessbian]

I'm watching Section 31 and I have one thing to say: Michelle Yeoh, I am so sorry, I can't believe they've done this to you

[marshmallowprotection]

I have a feeling I've definitely sent a similar ask years ago but if so, I am once again in need of Suit sitting on my lap. He belongs there. Let me hold this silly man pleaseplleaspeasepllsleplea

That sour look on his face couldn't hide his true desires. You knew that as well as he did. As much as he tried to pretend he was some dangerous wildcat that could bite your hand off if he wanted to, he was far from it. He was more like a feral house cat that realized the inside of a house felt comfortable and cozy compared the streets—and decided the best thing to do would be to stick around for that.

He didn't always know how to interact with other people, but what Saeran couldn't deny was the yearning in his eyes for a soft place to lay his head. You knew he wanted to be taken care of, spoiled just as much as you spoiled Ray, but in a way that validated his comfort and personal boundaries. He didn't need a one-for-one remodel of what you shared with Ray, even if that was his only benchmark for gentle affection.

You wanted to give him something to affirm you cared about him just as much as you cared about Ray, and his idea of comfort didn't have to be the same as Ray's. He could have anything he wanted to feel so much better than he felt when he was alone in his office with nothing to do fester in his thoughts and wait for the Savior to harass him with more fruitless plans of destruction.

Which is how you ended up in this predicament.

With your outstretched hand beckoning him forward to join you at your desk. His wild eyes were exhausted, and even if he tried to tell you off and act as though he was put together, you knew he wasn't, and he knew you knew that. You didn't want him to play pretend in this room. You wanted him to stop pretending and unclench his jaw before he returned to the lion's den.

He wasn't a lion.

He was your house cat who had to fight like a lion to survive.

"Come on, Saeran," you said, patting your lap. You weren't logged into the messenger, so he wouldn't have to worry about that. You were on the only functioning game on your cell phone, a puzzle game of sorts that kept your mind busy and focused when you didn't want to spend the rest of your day finding the CCTV cameras or staring out into the courtyard.

He huffed. His eyes leaving yours as he glanced to the side, muttering under his breath, "No way."

"Well, I'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to do," you told him. "I figured I'd put the offer on the table. If you want to sit in my lap and relax for a little while, my offer stands. If you want to go back out there with the guards and cause a ruckus instead, I'm not going to stop you. You're the boss, Saeran."

You listened to him pout, grumble, and groan. You weren't going to make him uncomfortable. You knew the Savior did that to him quite enough already.

People put him in predicaments against his will. He had to do things whether he wanted to do them or not, and you weren't going to put yourself amongst those who pressured him. Even if he wasn't in his right mind at the moment, you wouldn't stoop as low as everyone else in his life did.

He needed to know somewhere in his terrified life was safe, and you’d decided long ago you’d do that for Ray, and now him, too.

Saeran deserved the opportunity to take matters in his own hands. If he wanted to do something, he could do it. You weren't going to push him one way or the other. Even if he couldn't believe that, even if he wanted to believe it but wasn't sure if he could, you knew better than to push him. If he wanted to do something, he would do it. He wasn't the type to mince his words. He did things differently than Ray did in that regard.

It took a moment of silence before he acted.

Wordlessly, he strode across the room and crammed himself into your lap without a second thought. You didn't scold him for moving so fast, instead, you scooted your chair back enough so he could get comfortable against your thighs. His legs hung over either side of the chair as he did so, and you noticed how his fingers twitched against your sides as he debated with himself with whether or not to wrap his arms around your torso.

His face was buried in your throat before you could ask him if there was anything you could do to make him more comfortable. He had something in his mind, though, since the quiet nuzzle of his forehead against your collarbone showed just how badly he yearned for those gentle touches he once "mocked".

"Can I touch you?"

He grunted a half-hearted response to give his consent.

So, giving him what he wanted, you wrapped one arm around his waist and the other tangled itself in his hair. He tensed up at first, but quickly melted as you brushed your lips against the side of his head. "I've got you, Saeran. You don't need to pretend when you're with me. We can stay like this as long as you want."

He would be safe here.

You wouldn't dare let them hurt him when he was in your arms.

[leftalpacavoid]

Pls I can't live without time twins content- where's the fica KDIXKWJIGIDJS (take your time writings a bitch)

Dw pookie your request is in my drafts with a little hcs in it I want it to make it longer so you won't be unsatisfied with the results (I'M TRYING and dying— 🙏) 😭

(I'll do a short one.)

✦ Krux sighs in relief for ONCE that his brother is dating a human being than whatever nonsense he found attracted of 🙏

✦ Not that Acronix would mind, he's an absolute cheeky mf that would try to flirt with you 24/7 and bro would do it again (this is the ♾️th TIME.) His flirting is terrible as hell but luckily you are tolerant of this behavior (shows that he's comfortable with you.)

✦ Would match pfp's with you, are you lonely that you wanna match on social media? Bro would agree (Can someone please match with me tho— *gets dragged in a guillotine execution*) and would stalk your profile for "interesting" information but in truth he tries to get you know more of what you liked or your preferences.

✦ Would use brain rot humor on you, you CANNOT ESCAPE IT. "You're so sigma" "Babygirl" "Pookie" "My Skibidi Rizzler" SHUT UPPPPP. But you love it anyway.

✦ His love language is physical affection bro would be holding your hand all the time, gives you cheek kisses and WILL dip you to piss krux off— he loves hugging you from behind when you are just feeling vulnerable or just straight up jump on your back for a surprise taunt and would not let go, Not comfortable with touching? He'll hold your hand, always.

✦ Depressed? No problem when he's here. He'd hugged you tight but not enough that you'd suffocate— Would cuddle the heck out of you until you feel better, you don't feel better at all? Bro would do ANYTHING you want if you want something to do, Sleep? Y'all would just be snuggling on the bed/couch with him playing games while being attentive to you at the same time if you need something, you cried? He'd be the big spoon the whole night.

✦ Protective, PROTECTIVE ASF. He'll scare them away or just straight up start chasing him with a timeblade for messing with his lover (They did not survived) and acts chill once you guys got home.

✦ You know how attractive he is with the mask on? No? Nobody gets the gist? Okay. Make sure to pull it down and kiss him with the mask on and he'll be shocked and slowly would kiss you back and if you kept going,,,, people would wonder why is time suddenly going forward TOO FAST— I'll stop.

✦ He's the definition of a golden retriever and a ram, impulsive and silly. And if you are either nonchalant nor just tired of life, then you guys would be a golden retriever x black cat typa dynamic.

✦ Insecure? No honey he'd love any part of you at all. Scars? He'll trace it if you let him, anything else about your appearance? Bro wouldn't mind if you had a different body type because he knows that it's a flaw of yours, but he sees it as unique and would be down bad for you, what about your height? He'll tease you but if it really hits then he'd stop.

✦ Would be either to have you show him all recent technology, he'd be eager to discover new things. If you gave him a gaming phone/tablet (which you earned it) on his birthday, suddenly that's his favorite phone all the time. (Krux trying not to tweak because it's like you're corrupting him with these new discoveries but that's cringe he'd just roll his eyes instead, JUST NOT IN FRONT OF HIM.)

✦ Yapping, Lots of Yapping. He Yaps, You Yap Back, but if you're more of a listener then congratulations you've assigned yourself a deal for the next 40 years (what?) You two would listen to each other back and fourth and the more it happens the more he's happy that someone listens to him—

✦ Communicating boundaries is a must. Sometimes he either gets too overbearing or too arrogant, so make sure to just say no at this point and he'd back off if he's being too much. You're his anchor that can keep his impulsiveness in check.

✦ A little bit on the sides of acts of service when he's feeling in a good mood, he'd do stuff for you like for example he'd carry stuff that's too heavy— even if it's just a small as a hand bag (Simp-) and of course, protecting you is his biggest thing, (He'd probably do the way when he's in front of maya when he's fighting against Ray in the flashbacks) you want extra? He's already behind the person, and proceeds to commit Time Punch on them— Yes.

✦ he's stronk. Get me? He'd have no shame carrying you bridal style. He'd be happy that you rely on him when it's comes to being physical. Doesn't matter if you can handle yourself, he had an instinct driven by feeling proud that he helped you in some way.

✦ Although yes, he may have a thing for feisty type but it's actually kind of different, He isn't the type to lead relationships like it's always him all the time. You both are equals, unlike those who are loud nor too extreme, something in him draws him to you as you are more like a calm in the storm that blocks every noises outside, and the way he realized, people like you don't come around often. And that is very rare. So stay with him now 🙏

✦ Being in a relationship with him had some quirks and ups and downs, his brother Krux, who does not exactly prove of you that early because he's not used to his brother giving attention to someone else considering that they are both on the same side of camaraderie. But if you prove your worth that you are capable for acronix and you can handle him well, he'll have a quiet respect. Although just a little melancholic because it's like he's watching his little brother growing up, now he's basically your older brother in law if you married acronix—

✦ Ohh don't get me started, there's a lot more. You'd Accidentally meet the Vermillion anyway. Fate would make it happen anyways (￢‿￢ ). You'd meet the trio of their general, machia, blunk, raggmunk, Machia doesn't react but she respects that you'd manage to tame that simping fool who is down bad for her before and now simped on you instead, Blunk on the other hand, wouldn't react much but he's intrigued because you looked new and he's like "Is this our boss's new spouse/husband?" He gets wacked in the head by Machia, Raggmunk doesn't care. And thinks it's funny cuz bro their boss is supposed to be intimidating but one got in a relationship? He'd snicker quietly. (Although tbh you won't have much of an important role BUT if YOU DATED KRUX IN THE OTHER HAND—jk. Y'all should ask for it lol.)

✦ Acronix would be pulling you away from them cuz first he does NOT want any ridiculous things happening to you that'll get you in harm soooo he keeps you away from their base and spends time outside with you instead. (He don't wanna make krux mad as well—)

✦ Aside from those, Acronix isn't exactly used to being vulnerable to another but he'll tell you one day. And it'll definitely take time for him tell his vulnerabilities and what had happened to him from the time vortex, if you managed to break you'll be the only one and his brother could know about it, and those moments are special. (Better treat him right.)

✦ Trust me, he'll stay. He won't let you carry the burden alone. He loves you, he may not express it obviously but in quiet moments when you are vulnerable, those moments when you feel like you don't wanna be in the world anymore, you can't take it, you don't feel good enough—he'd hold you back from it and he's not losing you this early. Be the reason why he's happy to wake up and seeing you beside him, be the reason why he's always looking at you like he's the most luckiest guy ever in the world, be the reason why he is thinking about you when he's away and is excited to go back to you, and if that's all gone? It will all feel very empty without you.

✦ Be patient with him, You and him are both lucky to have each other. Being there together, and it'll be worth it in the end.

✦ Him as a boyfriend is wholesome and weirdly adorable, You'll definitely play an important role if the time twins legacy would continue further. (Master Wu wouldn't be very happy about that—)

✦ 9/10. Thanks you for reading ^^

Bonus: Krux version? Well it depends if someone asked for that. 🥰

©lefalpacavoid 2025.

[bleepblopbloop56]

The Murder In The Dressing Room

Chapter 9

Mostly unedited.

Warnings: blood, major character death, guns.

For an update on the situation read this post

"He's so tiny…" Logan laughed lightly, watching as Patton's little hand wrapped around his pinkie, not even closing all the way around it. He tried to pull in his hand to his mouth before Logan tutted and pushed a pacifier in instead. The news that he now had a real human child still hadn’t fully sunk in yet. He was properly accommodated, of course- the apartment was stuffed with cribs, bottles, pacifiers, toys, baby clothes (including Patton’s current light blue onesie dotted with little white cupcakes- which, as a police officer, Logan could say with authority was illegally cute), and diapers galore- but that didn't make it any less terrifying. 

"He looks like a baby doll," Virgil commented, playing with his toes. Patton squealed and drooled around his pacifier.

"He is rather perfect, don't you think?" Logan giggled. A lot had happened in the last few months. Roman had cheated on him, his best friend had died giving birth and he’d had to fight to adopt her child as soon as possible… but now he was here, holding Patton in his home for the first time. 

"Uh oh, is Detective Grey getting all emotional?" he giggled, tickling Patton lightly. "You hear that? Dadda's getting all emotional over you! Your dadda looovesssss yooooou!" he baby talked, punctuating each sentence with a tickle. Patton kicked his little legs the best he could in fits of giggles.

"He loves you so much Patton! He's gonna be the best dad in the whole world!"

��

“Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up,” Logan chanted as if it would actually do something as he shot down the road. He had barely had enough time to shout out directions and get his gear before racing down the street like his life depended on it. If Logan had his way, he'd make the forty minute drive in ten or crash trying.

“Yellow?” Emile's typical greeting was as cheerful as ever, despite the obvious grogginess in his voice. That was what he got for being an old man who went to bed at 6 o’clock. 

“Patton- where is he?” Logan demanded, taking a turn a little too fast and sliding off the road for a moment before straightening out, mumbling obscenities under his breath all the while. How many traffic laws was he breaking? What would he do if he came across another car on the road? Did it even matter? 

“He's in the living room- Logan, what's wrong?” he started sounding more conscious, a hint of concern creeping into his voice. “Are you okay?”

“Go check on him right now," Logan ordered, “and don't let him leave your sight until I tell you its safe.” Another car swerved around him, nearly hitting him. Distantly, Emile could hear a horn honking and Logan shouting curses in return. 

“Logan what's happening?” He shuffled on a robe, pulling himself up and towards the door. A quick peek into the living room verified that the toddler was sleeping peacefully on the baby bed Emile had managed to stuff in his car while picking Patton up. As if he could sense Emile’s gaze, Patton sputtered a bit before rolling over, the picture of peace. “He's fine, fast asleep, but Logan, are you okay?” 

“Go get him. Now. Don't let him out of your sight until I say so, okay?” There was only hesitant silence from the phone. “Okay?!” 

"Okay," Emile whispered back softly. He picked Patton up with shaking hands, shushing him when he started to wake up. But it was to no avail: despite his best efforts, Patton started to cry on the walk back to Emile’s room. "Logan," he pleaded, "just tell me what's going on."

Hearing the sound of Patton's voice made him slow down significantly. Getting killed in a car crash would only hurt Patton; besides, if Logan was going to die, that son of a bitch would have to kill him himself. Logan wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of doing it without putting in the work. 

"There's been a threat... I can't come get him until we know the suspect is in police custody." Logan faltered, his attempt at a neutral voice failing, and he had to clear his throat before continuing. "They got Remy… my partner. We have a significant lead, but that's all I can say. This is all going to be over soon." He didn't mention that by "lead" he meant "I know who killed them and I'm currently speeding to his house to either kill him or get killed."

"What does that mean?" Emile put down Patton on his bed, rubbing his hand through his hair to get him back to sleep. His brother had always told him everything, and him evading the question like this was enough to make him feel as if the world was ending. Logan didn't lie, and he didn't avoid questions. No matter what you asked him, Logan would respond quickly and honestly, even if that answer was I don't know. 

"Someone’s made a threat on Patton's life," he said quietly, pointedly not vocalizing "and mine as well.'' "I need you to double check your doors and windows for me, make sure everything's secure, and call 911 if you hear anything at all, okay?" 

The other end was silent as Emile struggled to think of a response.

"Please be safe" he settled on. Logan nodded, mumbling an "I will" before hanging up, grip on the wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. 

"Roman?!" Logan screamed. Distantly, Logan wondered what his colleagues would think if they saw him like this, wild-eyed and hoarse from shouting and breaking down doors in a house he didn’t have a permit to enter. He wasn't clearing rooms, he didn't have his gun in his hand; he was just ransacking the place in a blind panic. All of it went against protocol, and right now he couldn’t care less. "Roman, where are you?!"

His mind jumped back to the text he'd gotten right after he had found Remy’s body. Logan had been standing in his office- the room he worked in nearly every day, defiled by the blood of one of his closest friends- when his phone chimed. He could only stare dully at the words flashing there. 'I can't do this, I'm going home,' they read, and for a second Logan wondered if this was it- if he was going to lose Roman as quickly as he’d gotten him back.

But that hadn’t been Roman. It couldn't have been. Logan wouldn't believe it. And the only thing worse than the idea of Roman leaving was the idea that Roman had left because he was in trouble- that Ethan had gotten to Roman before he could.

Logan froze at the sound of the front door slamming behind him, the noise cutting through even Logan’s shouts. He had known, at the back of his mind, that he was being unforgivably reckless. He had entered Ethan's territory disregarding the fact that he had proven himself more intelligent and capable than any criminal he faced before. But he had still thought that he would get farther than a few rooms into the house before being caught.

And now he was going to die.

"God, this is so fucking sad," a voice hissed, the telltale noise of a gun cocking behind him far too close for comfort. "You couldn't just stay put, could you? I was JUST about to go find you, and now I have to worry about fucking blood stains on my white carpet…"

Logan whipped around, only to freeze again at the sight of the barrel of a gun in his face, Ethan behind the trigger. Ethan kicked him in the stomach before he could reach for his gun, knocking him to the floor. Logan wheezed, desperately trying to regain his breath and get back up, but Ethan loomed over him, pressing his gun to Logan's forehead. 

Logan braced himself. He'd been a detective for a long time- he knew what was coming next.

But Ethan only made a tutting noise, wagging his finger disapprovingly. "Silly little detective…" he laughed. "If you behave, I might just kill you the easy way! Let's not make this harder than it has to be…" He traced the gun down Logan's face, the cold metal gazing his eye and cheek before landing on his lips. "Well, let's see how well you roll over for me. Why don't you give it a kiss, huh?" The look in his eyes dared Logan to say no. Like he wanted to see how long he could drag out his little game before either he or Logan snapped.

It would be beyond degrading to kiss the gun that would most likely end him, to look his killer in the eyes when he was on his knees. But between the choice of humiliation and survival… Logan puckered his lips and lightly kissed the gun. If he could just keep Ethan distracted until backup arrived everything would be okay, it had to be… 

"Good boy!" The sick feeling in Logan's gut only worsened at Ethan's tone- it was as if he was talking to a dog who had successfully performed a trick rather than a human being he was threatening to murder. "Good boys get treats! You know what your treat is?!" He spoke in high trills, happy hisses filled with poison. Logan noticed Dee had scale tattoos crawling up his arm, starting presumably from underneath his yellow glove. "Your treat is a quick and easy death! Do try to keep it down, we don't want the noise to scare Roman. " Dee traced the gun around his face again before pressing it against his temple. He pushed Logan's head gently with the gun, moving until his cheek pressed against the wall, and Logan could tell instinctively that this time Dee wouldn’t hold back.

"Wait!" Logan shouted, the refrain keep him distracted, keep him distracted running through his head. "I want to have another… treat." Over the blood thundering in his ears, a thought reverberated in his head, slamming like a wave against his brain again and again: This is the lowest moment of my life.

Ethan perked up, happy his little toy was playing his game so easily, but the suspicious glint in his eyes told Logan he didn't have long to talk.

"Let me say goodbye to Roman.." The words ached in his chest. Logan knew he had to play up the pathetic factor to get Ethan to humor him, but they came out too honest and real for him to convince himself it was all for show. Somewhere behind the desperation, it was a legitimate request. 

Ethan hesitated like he was thinking about it, clicking his tongue a few times in thought. "I don't know if you've been that good" he said slowly. "I think I'd rather just kill you!" He smiled, and Logan suddenly thought back to the brief personality profile that had been pulled together on him when Roman was deemed a suspect. Everything about Ethan seemed to point to a perfectly friendly, if slightly closed-off, man with a clean record and plenty of friendly acquaintances. Nothing to suggest someone like this..

Logan was out of options, out of time, and he decided if he could just drag this out, just long enough to keep roman alive.. If he could just llay into what ethan wanted from him...

Put on a show… 

He hunched his shoulders and began to cry.

"Please," he begged, hoping that Ethan would enjoy seeing Logan in pain enough to let the scene last longer. Maybe not long enough for Logan to come out of this alive, but long enough for the cops to arrive, long enough to save Roman… "I know I took him from you-" appealing to him directly- "and I know that you're angry, but please… Just let me see him one last time." 

His shoulders were heaving now, real tears falling to the ground. It wasn't just Roman he was crying about- it was all of them. All of the innocent lives taken simply because they knew the wrong people, caught in a spider web of murders only because they had offered a home to Roman or a helping hand to Logan. He cried for how he had screamed and broke things after finding Virgil in the bedroom until he heard the sirens approaching his apartment. How he'd pulled Roman away from his brother, lying in a pool of red, the one and only time Remus had ever been quiet. How he had said goodbye to Thomas one day and then hadn't visited him again until he had been murdered. How not even an hour before now he had seen his partner, his friend, Remy sitting where he did so often, coffee cold on the desk and glasses broken on the floor. How Patton could be next, and by association Emile.

And Ethan laughed.

"Oh, alright!" he giggled, high-pitched and manic. He pushed Logan's chin up with his gun to look at him. "No need to look so pathetic, little detective! This'll be good for Roman, to see you die." 

Logan moved to stand up, but Ethan leaned down and grabbed his hair, shoving him back down. 

"Nuh-uh-uh!" Ehtan chirped, bringing the gun up to Logan’s forehead again and pressing down. "Be a good little boy and crawl for me?”

Logan froze, his thoughts from before echoing. But he had no way out, and they both knew it. Ethan grinned like a hunter watching their prey walk into a trap. "Come on, let’s go." 

It couldn't have been comfortable for Ethan to pull Logan forward through the whole house, but for the pleasure of humiliating his victim, it was worth it. He dragged Logan all the way to the back of the house until they reached a door so small Logan probably would’ve skipped it while searching for Roman. He flipped open the lock and turned the light on one-handedly before starting down the stairs, allowing Logan to walk while keeping a firm grip on his hair.

"Logan?" Roman's voice was scratchy from crying, but it flooded with disbelief, wonder, hope- until he registered who Logan was with. "Ethan, what are you doing, let him go!" he yelled, scrambling to his feet.

Ethan shoved Logan to his feet, sauntering forward to Roman. "Little Detective Grey here cracked the case, and this is his reward! He wanted to say goodbye to his precious little baby." The fake pout in his voice was somehow more disrespectful than anything he'd done so far. Roman's lip trembled heavily, crying despite having no more tears. 

"But I followed the rules!" he pleaded. "I didn't run or yell or call anyone- Ethan, I'm sorry, I'll be good- I followed the rules, please! Please, don't hurt him-" He clutched onto Ethan's shirt, shaking enough to match his stuttering, but Ethan just shoved him off forcefully.

"This is for your own good, Roman," he sneered. "You have sixty seconds to say goodbye. Play nice, boys," He let go of Logan's hair and let him lurch for Roman, like a dog being let off their leash.

"Fifty-eight! Fifty-seven!" Roman began to sob as the countdown started, loud and He started counting down loudly, Logan hushed the apologies and sobs from Roman, trying to get him to quieten down for long enough to hatch a plan. 

"Roman, listen to me, he'll be watching my hands. I need you to grab my gun and when I say go I need you to use it," he mumbled quickly in his ear. He was trembling himself despite trying to keep things together for Roman. "It's loaded- all you have to do is pull the trigger, okay?"

"Logan-" he sobbed, hand fighting Logan's as he led it down and on top of the gun. 

"It's gonna be okay, Roman… I love you," he said quietly, in the background he could tell they were running out of time by Dee's counting, his numbers getting faster and more gleeful as he counted down. 

"I love you too," Roman said through sobs, gun fully slid out of the holster and now in his hand. 

"Ready?" Logan asked. Five seconds left…

"3…  2… 1," Logan counted down alongside Dee, jumping out of the way of Roman as he pulled up the gun and pointed it towards Ethan's chest. 

It was as if time slowed down to make a frozen tableau- Logan slamming into the hard floor, Roman's shaking hands pulling the trigger, Ethan's expression dropping as he was forced to face the consequences of his actions for the very first time. The noise of the gun was deafening within the small basement, ringing in their ears for what felt like hours after it went off.

One shot, straight to the chest, and Ethan was done, flung backwards by the impact.

Roman dropped the gun after he hit him, flinching at the crash of it hitting the floor and wrapping his arms around himself. 

He looked down at the man in front of him, not dead yet but not alive either. In that state of being where Roman assumes you see your life flash before his eyes. Roman wondered what he saw... 

"I'm sorry..." He cried, jerking away when Logan touched him, hitting the wall and closing his eyes, sobbing as hard as when he had seen remus, shaking like he had been dunked in ice water and left in the arctic, and breathing as if he never would again. 

A door above them bursted open police shouting and flashlights searching every room. "DOWN HERE!" Logan called, flashlights shining in his face when they reached the basement door. Roman raised his hands above his head, now a murderer no better than Ethan.

Taglist

@cataclysm-al @knightinsoftpastels @intruality-fusion @katie-the-noble-fangirl @whizzie72 @grayson-22 @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing @winterwonderland7669 @missieluvsmurder @sign-from-god-complex @dragonindigo245 @angryfanboyscreaming @ninja-wizard101 @sombraookami @crystalistrappedintheinternet @imtooaromanticforthis @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @dragon-hair @satanblessi @spookilyfingergunsoutofexistence @skruffy901 @selectivereality @nonbeenary-enbee @imbasicallyshakespear @cats-vetal-miking-vomit @incoherentfangirl @oofmood @nonbinary-pineapple @royalnerd829 @idontgiveafuckaboutshit @magma-llama @chumo-cookie

[brodymeetsworld]

This Christmas.

When I was a little girl, Christmas was my favorite holiday of the year. My grandmother would cook for days in preparation for the entire family( 6 grown children, 10 plus grandchildren) to gather around the table together (or the infamous kids table.) It was one of the only times of the year I was able see my extended family, and I soaked up every second of the time we had together. I have so many memories from learning how to cook with my Grandma, Aunts, and my oldest cousin Erin. To watching football in the living room with everyone including Granddaddy snoozing in “his chair”, to secretly learning how to play the card game “bullshit” (at a very young age I might add lol) with all of the cousins on the back enclosed porch. We would always end our evening the same way, after dinner we would sing the “Happy Birthday” song to Jesus, and because my little brother and I were the babies of the family, we usually got to blow out the candles on the cake. Afterwards, most of us would attend Christmas eve candlelight service at the Monterey Methodist Church. I didn’t get to go to Church very often, so these services were so special and beautiful to me. Those memories are some of the best memories of my childhood. 

After my grandparents passed away, the glue that held our extended family together dissolved. Everyone decided to host their own families for the holidays, and no longer wanted the financial or time burden to feed and host twenty-thirty family members. It saddens my soul to never see my aunts, uncles, or cousins anymore. The only way we see each other and communicate now is through social media or phone calls. One big portion of our family even moved half way across the country to Missouri, so the chances of seeing them anytime soon are slim. I truly haven’t felt the magic of Christmas since Christmas in Monterey, and that was 15 years ago.

After I met and married my husband, and when I became a mom, at the age of 26 and again at 27, I thought that magic would suddenly just appear again! Wrong, if anything, Christmas was harder all around. Not only did my two babies want nothing to do with Santa Clause, or the presents my husband and I worked so hard to buy, wrap, put together, but they were determined to destroy all of our decorations, including 3 separate artificial trees. I was completely emotionally and physically drained the first two Christmas’s with our children. I always just threw it off as of well this is life with two under two, or two under three. It never occurred to me, that one of my children may have special needs.

Fast forward to today, this will be my 30th Christmas. This will be my boys 4th and 5th Christmas. This year they have finally left our beautiful tree alone, and most of the presents underneath it as well. They both love to sing Christmas songs, and watch the snow fall on the ground. Our favorite thing to do right now is make Christmas crafts, and go searching for Christmas lights at night in the car. The proof of them growing and learning is obvious this year, and it brings so much joy to my heart. We also started going to church this year. What brought us to church was learning about our oldest son, Brody, diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder over Easter weekend this past year. 

You see, my husband and I always knew Brody was special, but we had no idea how special he really was. We were first time parents, and when Bentley came along just 14 months after his brother, we entered survival mode and did our very best. Looking back, I think Brody started showing signs of Autism shortly after his brother came into the world, around 16 months old. I was in denial for a long time, as well as my husband. I can remember looking back and thinking how hard it was in the beginning with both boys, and I never thought of the hard times as Brody being “abnormal”. I always blamed myself for “not being a good enough parent”, and that’s why he is crying all the time. Or “I’m not a good cook, that's why he won’t eat any of the meals I make for him”. And the one I really truly believed, “I guess I don’t talk to him enough and that's why he won’t speak”. All of these things would torment me every day, and all I could do was vent to my husband or his pediatrician. I even took him to see a ENT doctor determined because he had so many ear infections as a baby, maybe he had a hearing problem. It wasn’t until a close family member kept Brody over night that Autism even crossed our radar. Bless her heart too, she tried to tell me, but instead of accepting help, I was angry with her. The first time I reached out for help with our children and my biggest fear was being confirmed.(crazy when I think back, I really was scared of this diagnosis) I was so deep in denial there was nothing she could have done at that time that wouldn't have upset me. It took a toll on our relationship, and I regret the time we lost together over it.

Before we even received Brody’s diagnosis, we enrolled him into the special needs pre school in our county. He qualified right away, and he started right after his third birthday. He went from speaking one word sentences, to three to four word sentences in a year and half time so far, and most importantly he can communicate his needs and wants. His eating has improved, and we have a list of foods he will eat as oppose to 4 things total. Brody will dance with us down the hallway, and sing silly songs for us. He knows how to say please and thank you, I’ve been told by his teachers he is showing empathy to his classmates, and he can finally say “I love you, mommy” or “I love you, daddy” without signing them to us at the same time. All of these things are so bittersweet for us, because there was a time not too long ago we weren’t sure they were even a possibility. 

Easter 2019 comes, we receive our sons test results in the mail. If you’ve never read ADOS results before, they can be a bit confusing. My husband and I read the results, googled our sons comparison score of “4″, and thought he was on the severe end of the spectrum. It wasn’t until the next day did we find out we were wrong, Brody is in fact on the mild end of the spectrum. But the night before was rough, we both cried and cried. Why did we cry? I really don't know the answer to that question. When you receive a diagnosis for your child, no matter the diagnosis, a part of you inside just breaks into a million pieces. I can’t speak for my husband on this, but I know for myself, as a mom, I blamed myself for a long time. I spent so much time trying to think back through out my pregnancy with Brody what I could have done wrong. I think back through out his infancy what could have went wrong, “what did I do, what did I do that made him different.” The end of the school year was coming, and we have a yearly IEP meeting with all of Brody’s team members. In that meeting, the school psychologist who tested Brody, told us it was imperative for Brody to constantly be put into small social circles. She recommended t-ball, soccer, church, birthday parties, etc. So that is exactly what we did. Brody wasn’t old enough to enroll into sports in our county yet, so we accepted every single birthday party invite, and focused on finding a Church family.

We had several invites to different churches in our community, but because I myself hadn’t been to church in over 15 years, I was a nervous wreck deciding which church to attend. Going anywhere, by yourself (my husband works A LOT), with two rowdy boys is hard. It’s 10x harder when you have a child with Autism. I knew I had to get over my fears of my sons meltdowns, and do this not only for my sons social interaction sake, but also so our children could learn about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I always wanted to learn about the Lord when I was growing up, but no body ever wanted to wake up sunday morning to attend a church service with me. In fact, the only times I ever attended church was during Christmas or if I stayed the night with one of my friends whose family attended. Now its my turn, it’s my duty as a mother, and as a daughter of the King, to teach my children his word and of his sacrifice for all of us. 

I choose our church family, Redeeming Grace Outreach Worship Center. The boys and I go almost every sunday. Both boys wake up excited to go to church, and really enjoy singing and dancing for the Lord. After a bit of a transitioning period in the beginning, Brody will finally go to the nursery without mama having to be there too. I am finally able to read the bible and worship God and take something away from each and every service, and that truly has been a game changer in our life as a family. 

So for my 30th Christmas this year, this will be by far my best Christmas yet. Its been a year of ups and downs, a year of believing in miracles (Ezekiel Rhett), a year of building our faith, and a year of learning acceptance. Our son is exactly who he is supposed to be, and he was made in the eyes of our father. Through him, I’m learning exactly who I’m supposed to be too. God has a purpose for each and everyone of us, and our mighty King makes no mistakes. This Christmas will be magical because we made it that way.

#autismawareness #autismacceptance