#i wouldn't know how to describe my gender to myself let alone a medical professional.

[dykealloy]

sometimes you have doubts about your gender expression but the good news is sometimes you get your first government-issued notification about your upcoming cervical screening addressed to you with your full legal name and go through several stages of dysphoria

[astrojordan]

The "tomboy" stage described by cis women compared to dfab people who figured out they're trans later in life like me is very different too. I went through the same process of being a tomboy then desperately trying to fit in but it wasn't just my hair or my stomach or whatever, though that was part of it. My whole body and soul felt wrong and lost for reasons I didn't have the language for yet. It's very different for cis women who grew up alongside me, going through the same turmoil but eventually making peace with it.

Trying to be a tomboy felt good and liberating but I was frustrated I was never quite there because I was a girl. I hated being called a tomboy, I wanted to be a boy full stop. Trying to perform femininity to fit in after that felt wrong and made me dissociate a lot and stunted a lot of my emotional development because I didn't want to explore my feelings while I felt that way. There are so many other wordless ways that the dfab trans experience is different from the cis woman experience but I know I'm already wasting my time trying to explain it to you, and the trans folks I'm supporting will know what I mean even without the words. Because we know our lives in a way you never will. Also, realising I'm trans was not an escape for me. It's not an easy life or process at all. It's been the opposite of an escape from my body and life - I've had to put myself out to the world and change so much to get even a little acceptance. It has not been a happy retreat from femininity in any capacity and it wouldn't be for a scared kid either.

Also TERFs really like to assume that if a 13 year old with low self esteem finds out about being trans they'll instantly decide it's for them. Do you realise how hard it is being 13 and thinking you might be gay, let alone being trans? Both are hard but realising you're trans at an early age and transitioning in front of all your peers is incredibly scary sounding. No kid would want to face that social isolation and ostracisation unless they felt it was absolutely vital to and an accurate reflection of them - I don't think I would have done it. And there are medical professionals involved in the transition process for a good reason. I hate gate keeping doctors, but I appreciate good doctors who let trans health care be accessible while also helping questioning people figure out their feelings instead of jumping into things. Contrary to popular anti-trans belief, doctors don't just throw hormones at six year olds.

Also if you talk to a gender specialising doctor they'll probably tell you the exact same thing mine did: the number of people who begin transitioning then change their minds and regret it is extremely low. So low that my doctor (who is one of a tiny handful of gender specialising doctors in a 25km radius so gets tons of trans patients) could only recall one example from recent memory and it was someone pressured into stopping by a shitty partner. They later dumped the partner and resumed transition, good for them, goes to show how important it was to them that they made that choice. My doctor's patients are all ages, in case that wasn't blatantly obvious, so it includes many literal children who make that choice for themselves and happily never look back.

Kids are smarter than you give them credit for and your experiences with gender growing up are absolutely not universal. I can promise you wouldn't have identified as trans if you'd known about it, and to presume you know what dfab trans people go through growing up trying to fit in as girls is incredibly ignorant and rude. You aren't us so stop trying to speak for us.

Also it's impossible to "just let kids be kids" if we don't let them live as their true, authentic selves. If you want a kid to have a good childhood let them embrace themselves and take steps to be themselves and they'll be far happier. A child won't love their body if it doesn't feel like their body.

P. S. This post supports all trans people and their experiences growing up <3 I'm just focusing on dfab trans people because that's what op is harping on about and because it's personally relevant to me.

I am pretty sure that most girls go through the phase where they want to distance themselves from being a girl. I went through this in year 5 to 7. I hated pink because it was too girly. I wanted male friends and to play with the boys because I thought they were better than girls. I hated bands and artists that were primary listened to by girls. I stopped liking horses and liked to talk about defacing Barbie dolls. I no longer liked disney princesses and wanted to have nothing to do with dresses. I understood that being a "tomboy" was somehow better than being a girl.

Then in year 7-8 I had a change in perspective that lasted for almost until the end of my schooling career. God I so desperately wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be thin so so badly. When I realised I couldn't be I started to choose clothes I knew would "hide" my weight, my belly, my thighs. I hated my face because it was round and not pretty. All I saw were my imperfections. Once in year 10 I found a dress and I loved it. I thought it was really pretty and I liked how I looked in it. Or so I thought. I realised after looking in the mirror my belly wasn't flat. I still went to the social wearing that dress but I hated myself the whole night. I didn't start shaving until I was in year 10 (I don't any more) because I didn't realise it was something I "had" to do until someone mentioned it. I used to wear my hair in a pony tail, but then in a school photo I realised it made me look like a boy and so I stated wearing a side pony to combat, and make up for it. My daydreams would always start with me being thin and pretty. I didn't even want to be appealing to boys, I just wanted to be pretty.

I was semi feminist at this point but when I hit uni it was better. I wanted equality but that was as far as I thought. Now I have finally made some peace with myself. I wear what I want, even though I have days where I put something on and look in the mirror and thing "Not today" or I catch my reflection while walking and hate what I see.

I am so glad that the trans movement was not a thing when I was a kid. I have no clue where I would have ended up. But I do know this: girls are trapped by misogyny and patriarchy and it has such a harmful effect and the trans movement provides an escape for girls, women and even men. It's a problem as all it does is sweeps mysogeny and the harm of stereotypes under the rug. I grew out of the dysphoria I felt and most kids do (it's in the DSM). Kids will no longer have the chance to grow out of it, they will see the trans movement and be like ah that's me. I think I would have if I was a kid again now. Kids and adolescents are able to transition. They can access pubity blockers and binders and other things. They are kids. They are not mature enough yet to understand the social complexities of gender stereotypes and patriarchy. I know I didn't. I recognised that girls were not as good as boys but I didn't know why. I am worried about the generation of kids who will grow up surrounded by this; being told by the media, professionals and those close to them they were born wrong and they need invasive procedures to fix the defect. What happened to the rhetoric when we were fighting so hard for acceptance and against plastic surgery? You don't have to change anything about yourself, not your appearance or likes. You can be you and exist as you are. Where did it go?

Why is it so hard to recognise that dysphoria is a symptom of patriarchy and misogyny in society? Why is the immediate solution to make people conform into the boxes they "should" be in? Why can we not exist as simply people who were born the way we were ment to be? Instead of fighting and tearing down the bullshit society and the media is vomiting, it is being affirmed and people are being sorted back into thier boxes. Capatalism is deeply tied up with the trans movement, cooperate scum profit from people's vulnerability and as such they want it to continue. I feel like I have been running from gender my whole life and when it felt like we were finally getting somewhere, it all came back and crashed down around us. I don't want these categories and definitions to be reinforced. I think it will result in a rise in more confusion. There is no such things qualities which are inherently male or female. We are just people who are complex and will never fit only one definition.

I might be rambling at this point, but I just want kids to be able to exist as kids. I want people to be who they are. Maybe that's idealistic and naive of me.