#i wouldn't consider myself activly suicidal right now

[hollyhomburg]

(tw: breif talk of suicidal stuff/depression/self-harm, past sexual assault, venting) My life is so stressful right now and like- it's activating the [redacted bad thoughts that arise whenever I want an easy way out of heavy life events] my brother home and shit, and my grandparents are talking about redoing my whole house so that they can live in our basement so that they can avoid living in my aunt's house- who has a completely done basement just because my grandmother doesn't like how my uncle talks to her. That's literally the only reason.

and they don't have any money, and my mom and my brother only have a little bit and my grandfather has my brother believing some of this like- extravagant shit that they're going to do with our house which is basically tare it apart and redo it for nearly half a million dollars which is just- so untheasable and ridiculous and they just yell at anyone who calls them ridiculous and it's so fucking frustrating to deal with a bunch of men who really have no common sense.

and as much as I know my house is a piece of shit it is also my home that I've lived in for my entire life and my brother keeps saying that because I don't own it and I'm living with my mom I have no say in what happens to it and like the layout of the rooms and- fuck.

my sister and I were talking about it and I was getting overwhelmed this weekend and like- I literally had an intrusive thought that became an intrusive word out my mouth sort of situation and I just said like "yeah I need to die already" when I meant to say, "I need to move out already" and she looked really shocked but she didn't say anything and we just kinda glossed over the moment and moved on.

As much as I want to live on my own and be a fully-fledged human being, i know I couldn't cope with having no support system right now. and the only way i'd be able to move out is if i went to another country where like- the cost of living was cheaper, and while I do wanna go teach in South Korea, I really do, but the last time i lived there like- things weren't as good as I always make them out to be like

i know i romanticize the fuck out of the time i lived there- but literally the first week i bought a razor and was like internally "if i feel like i can't go home i won't make it home" and of course, alot of things changed and my life didn't suck as much by the time i actually left. I met my soulmate and i really became myself, But i still almost threw myself off a fucking bridge when i lived there and was raped and drugged by two separate men.

i really feel like now, especially with how things are in the world, i don't want to live away from my mom like She might be shitty to me sometimes but she really is the only person who loves me at all besides my one friend. and my brother is making me feel like I have no right to the home we've both lived in our whole lives. and I have no way to buy into the house even if I wanted too- which I'm not sure I do

i mean, i was raped and abused and sexually assaulted here too. i still shower in the same bathroom where I had to clean up my own blood after trying to kill myself. I want the house to be redone and I want things to change I just don't want it to happen this way, i don't want to feel pushed out of my own home before i can stand on my own two feet and like- what am i even trying to do with my life anyway.