#i would be much more confident and normal due to the way boys are socialised. and i wouldn't have this BITCHASS UGLY WRETCHED VAGINA

[binch-i-might-be]

alright that's it I'm bringing up my stupid unspecified vagina trauma in my next therapy session

[prettywordsyouleft]

Back To You // AIRFORCE7

Summary: When Mark approached you that fateful evening, it was because of a bet. However, the events that followed were because you had changed him.

Pairing: Mark Tuan x reader (ft. AIRFORCE7 aka GOT7)

Genre: 1940s era / pilot au / romance / fluff

Warnings: Due to the era it’s set in, this will contain minor war conflict in some of the stories. I will not be making the war-zone my main focus in this series however. 

A/N: Welcome to the first story in my AIRFORCE7 series! Today we’re starting with Mark and I really hope you like his introduction into this world.

Word count: 4884

This series will continue every Thursday until completed at 10am NZST. 

“You want me to do what?” Mark echoed, his drink not quite reaching his mouth. Placing it down and glancing at the two men sitting around the table with him, he grinned. “Are we only in the air force to exude our status on women?”

“Of course we are, ladies love a man in uniform,” BamBam enthused, nudging Mark beside him playfully. “We don’t come out to these events just to socialise with each other. We can do that during the day.”

“Don’t you want to have the joy of coming home to a waiting wife one day?” Jackson inquired and Mark looked at the fellow comrade, letting a small smile twist up his lips. His friend grinned. “You do! How are you going to find her then if your head is too busy up in the clouds?”

“We’re not really at the point in our careers to be looking for marriage just yet,” Mark mentioned, though his eyes did flitter around the club, watching a couple nearby slow dancing intimately. He finally took a sip of his drink, shaking his head softly. “We need to focus on training.”

“That’s during the day,” BamBam reiterated, rolling his eyes a little. “You’re one of the best pilots we have on our team anyway. Lieutenant Im is always praising you in training sessions.”

“That I am,” their leader’s voice suddenly entered the conversation, his warm smile greeting them all. He sat down in the empty chair with his drink and glanced around at the men. “What are we trying to convince Tuan of?”

“I propose a bet.”

Mark eyed Jackson carefully before shaking his head. “I’m not making a wager with you.”

“Why, don’t you like playing games?”

Jaebum grinned. “Don’t you all know, Tuan here is one of the gamers we have. Last year, he took on the entire cadet team in sports day and won against them all. You two transferred to our squadron afterwards and missed out on seeing him in all his glory. He’s really competitive.”

“I’m aware of how competitive he can be,” BamBam mentioned softly, his eyes darting away when Mark looked at him. Mark took another sip of his drink, smirking when he remembered the shrill of BamBam’s voice in his headset the other day when training together. However, BamBam nudged Mark again. “You should take Jackson up on his offer.”

Jackson smiled smugly. “You really should, but I doubt you’ll win this one.”

“Is that right?” Mark rebutted casually, a surge of curiosity taking control of his limbs. He stretched his hands in preparation, looking across the dance hall towards the billiards table and dart board. He was ready to play a game if Jackson really wanted to.

“Not that kind of game, soldier,” Jackson mused, pointing to the mass of people around them instead. “I bet you couldn’t secure yourself a date tonight.”

“Is that it?” Jaebum sighed, losing interest in Jackson’s attempts for entertainment. “Mark could get a date easily. It’s not just the men here who want the company of a lady. A lot of the people who come to these nights out are hoping to socialise with each other if you get what I mean.”

“I know that,” Jackson quipped, his grin drawing their leader back in. “I wasn’t meaning that he gets to choose who. We choose the lady; he has to secure the date.”

“What’s in it for me?”

BamBam started giggling. “Probably a good end to the night?”

Mark rolled his eyes as both BamBam and Jackson both fell into boyish fits of laughter, and he glanced helplessly over at Jaebum who merely shrugged. The leader then looked around the room, surveying the crowds for something. Mark gasped. “You better not assist in this, Im Jaebum.”

“Why not?”

“Lead us to someone good!” Jackson encouraged, his own dark gaze following Jaebum’s around the hall.

“I never agreed to this. And you still haven’t told me what the prize is.” Jackson slapped some money down on the table, and the three men all leaned in to see how much was there. Mark snapped his focus up to his friend incredulously. “You’re kidding!”

“You can thank me by making me your best man at your wedding.”

“You can’t turn this opportunity down,” Jaebum insisted, fisting the money and holding it up in Mark’s face. “You’re saving for that old house you liked not far from the base. You need to win this bet and then you’ll be able to reach that goal this year!”

“Don’t be so sure,” BamBam breathed, placing a hand on Mark’s shoulder. He laughed when his friend shrugged the hand off. “We know how good Mark is in the cockpit of a plane, but can he control that coc-”

“Are you going to put money in too?” Mark intervened and the younger man blinked, swallowing back the remainder of his sentence. “I’ll prove to you that it’s not just you and Jackson who can do well with ladies. Pick your girl, I’ll make it happen.”

Cheers sounded around the table and Mark folded his arms over his chest, feeling his heart beat faster. He wasn’t sure if it was from the surge of needing to prove them wrong or because he was concerned he’d talked himself up too much. Sure, he wasn’t incapable of getting the attention of the opposite sex. Jaebum was right, he had, when he wanted to, found a way to end up under the sheets with any woman he set his attention on. But that was from his own choosing. He didn’t really need to work hard with any of those girls, his charming smile was generally enough to lure them in.

This time though, it wasn’t to his own devices. He knew Jackson would choose someone Mark wouldn’t initially set his eyes upon. Jackson soon pointed to someone across the room. “What about her?”

“Are you blind, can’t you see the ring on her finger?” their leader said with a snort, cocking his head to the side and shooting Jackson a bored look. “Are you just going to throw your money away? Make it interesting, Wang.”

“Do we be mean? Choose someone really out of Mark’s tastes?” BamBam teased and Mark merely sat there, focusing on his drink for the next ten minutes as the three men discussed options. He flinched when the man beside him grabbed his arm and shook him roughly. “Her!”

Mark’s gaze shifted to where they were all staring, finding you sitting in the corner of the room. He hadn’t noticed you there all night long, but it was obvious you had been there for some time as you were further detached from the happenings around you, reading a battered copy of a book you held within your hands. He breathed out a sigh of relief upon seeing you, you appeared perfectly normal. He then looked at the three men all watching his reaction avidly, leaning towards him and waiting with bated breath to see whether he would play the game or not. Mark suffered a moment of hesitance, knowing that bets like these were immoral. You had feelings and he could possibly hurt you if you ever found out he was set up with you. That’s if you actually fell for him. His eyes fell upon the stack of money Jackson had placed down and sighed. That money could really help him set up his funds towards that home he had found. He already had almost enough to buy it but the money needed to make it liveable again would probably be more than the purchase price.

Standing up, Mark stared at Jackson determinedly. “That money better not disappear, Wang.”

“Atta boy!” Jaebum hollered as Mark pushed away from the table, approaching you with as much confidence as he could muster.

You barely looked up at his approach, though a small frown creased up your forehead when he stopped in front of you. Sighing heavily, you placed a fabric bookmark in the novel you had been reading and glanced up. “Can I help you, soldier?”

“Yes ma’am,” he said with a smile. “Can I sit down?”

“I’d rather you stand,” you shot back, uneasy in his presence. Mark swallowed; he clearly hadn’t given you enough credit when he first looked your way.

He attempted to smile again. He needed you to at least humour him a little longer. “You see, my friends over there pointed out how lonely you seemed and without sounding like someone preying on you, they offered me a bet. Now, I’m willing to share half the winnings with you if you allow me to sit down here and chat with you all night long. I figure there isn’t anything to lose really. I could gain the company of a fine person such as yourself and you would gain something in return too. Before you think this is something that has to end in a private place, it’s not my intention to ask you to do such a thing with me. I’m just hoping you help this soldier save face in front of his lieutenant and friends, if you will.”

You stared up at Mark for some time after he finished speaking, your expression unreadable. He almost went to speak again, to thank you for not throwing your drink at him and bid you farewell, when you tilted your head to the side. “How do you know I’m such a fine person?”

“Well, you’re reading for one.”

“And reading automatically makes me someone of worth?”

Mark smiled, shaking his head. “It makes you different though.”

“How so?”

“Everyone else is dancing or drinking, and you’re over here in your own world. I didn’t notice you in the beginning, but now that I have, well I want to know more about what world you’re escaping to.”

“One without a war looming in the background for one,” you mentioned, a small smile tugging at your lips. “One without a need for soldiers or social events like this too.”

“Ouch,” he exclaimed playfully, clutching at his heart. “You don’t like pilots?”

“Now that would be wrong of me when my Daddy was one.”

“Was?”

“He died overseas a couple of years back. Unlike you, he was faced with the reality of war. I’m thankful we have a lot of young men such as yourself ready to fight for our freedom. I’m even grateful for your honesty. It’s why it’s tempting to accept your offer. And yet, Daddy always said to never trust a man with a plane.”

“And why’s that?” Mark questioned, pulling out the chair you hadn’t allowed him onto before and sat down. He was intrigued and you couldn’t help but watch him more intently.

“Because they always end up flying away.”

“Most fly back home too,” he said pointedly and you smiled wistfully. Mark pressed on with his counter-argument. “I know it’s not anything certain to trust in a pilot, especially with the talks of the war coming our way. But don’t you think that you’re missing out too? If the skies the limit, don’t you want to at least fly up there once and see what you could have?”

“And what makes you think I’m not happy with what I have?”

Mark grinned. “You’re reading of a world that isn’t here.”

You leaned around to glance at the three men Mark knew had to be watching your interaction with high interest. You smiled and then turned back to him. “I think we might have more to converse about, don’t you?”

Mark had completely forgotten about the bet as the night wore on. In fact, he was barely aware of the music blaring or the people buzzing in the background. All he could focus on was you. It was refreshing to meet someone he didn’t already know from being stationed here for over seven months now. He listened to your stories and shared his own, laughter flowing freely between you both as the early morning enclosed on the depths of the night.

He realised he did know you though. When you mentioned you worked in the bakery downtown, Mark was surprised. Even further when you told him you had been working there longer than he had been stationed here for.

“But I go there all the time!”

You smiled knowingly. “I know, and I’ve served you a plenty too.”

“Really? I would have noticed you,” Mark insisted and you laughed melodically, resting your head on your hand and staring at him. He watched you for a moment, reaching out and pushing a loose strand of hair away from your face. “I should have noticed you.”

“Should I be worried, soldier? You’re trying to win my heart over, aren’t you?”

He shook his head and smiled warmly. “Call me Mark, remember?”

“Your friends look ready to go, Mark,” you mentioned, looking over his shoulder again. He didn’t look behind though, still staring at you. It made you blush, fiddling with the corner of the book you had abandoned. “Do you need to go too?”

“Do you want to go?” he asked back and noticed how uneasy you were becoming. The night was ending and you were no doubt wondering if he would try to talk you into going home with him.

The bigger question was, he wondered what your answer would be if he attempted to.

“It is getting late,” you finally stated and Mark nodded. “But I’ve had a good time.”

“I’m glad you don’t see me as someone weird.”

“You are weird. You accepted a bet to come talk to someone you’ve never noticed before,” you pointed out with a smile and Mark hung his head dramatically. “But I am grateful for your company tonight, Mark.”

“Likewise.”

You got to your feet, and Mark helped you into your coat once in the lobby. You both loitered there, knowing that once you stepped out the front doors that things would be different regardless of where you slept. He didn’t know how to end the night, wanting to say something that would give you hope that he wasn’t just going to walk away now. But he felt tongue-tied the longer he stared at you. And when you moved quickly to peck him on the cheek, he was stunned. You were blushing when you pulled back. “I had a really good night, Mark. I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, wishing his body would come back down from the high he was feeling so he could stop you from leaving.

And then he realised why you had done what you had, the jostling from Jackson pulling Mark out of his stupor. “You sly fox!”

“Are you taking it slow with her then?” BamBam asked and Mark blinked rapidly as he looked at his friends.

Jaebum grinned. “Pay this man his money.”

Mark took a deep breath as he stood outside the bakery the very next morning, wondering if it was too early to try and see you. He hadn’t slept well; he couldn’t stop ruminating over everything that happened with you last night. And whilst he knew he was meant to be on the airbase this morning working with Jinyoung, another pilot on his team, on some modifications to his Mustang’s engine, he couldn’t help but deviate away from his lodgings towards town instead of the airbase. Now, standing outside your work, he was anxious, wondering if you had thought of him as well.

Taking a deep breath, he entered the store, smiling in greeting at the ladies behind the counter. One approached him. “You’re here early, soldier.”

“Wait, aren’t you the guy who kept Y/N company last night?” another asked and Mark nodded shyly. She clapped her hands together in glee. “Are you here to see her then?”

“If she’s not busy,” he mentioned and watched as the ladies darted out the back, soon returning with a stunned you. He smiled warmly. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you echoed and then glanced at one of the ladies. “Is it alright Betty if I-”

“Of course!” she oozed, basically shoving you out towards Mark, where you awkwardly led him over to the park across the road.

You sat down on a bench and he followed suit, neither of you immediately talking. Finally, you said something. “What brings you here so early?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking of you,” he admitted and watched as your skin flushed with colour. “I hope I’m not intruding.”

“Well, I didn’t know what to expect since you only came over last night for the bet,” you mentioned softly, your eyes flashing suddenly. “Oh, did they pay up?”

Mark’s heart sunk a little at your renewed interest as he nodded. He had hoped you wanted to see him just as much. All the same, he reached into his pocket and held an envelope out to you. “As promised, here is your share from the cut.”

You took the envelope, staring at it momentarily before thrusting it back at him. You smiled. “You take it; I was never interested in the money.”

“No?” Mark stared at the envelope you had returned and then back at you. “Then why did you…?”

“You actually took the time to get to know me. At first, I was ready to send you on your way. I don’t exactly enjoy the social events as Betty and Lane always go there to end up in another bed for the night, in search of a husband. So, if I take a book with me, no one normally interrupts me. As soon as I see the ladies settle into the company of others and get a good look at who they will be going home with, I tend to go home myself.”

“You walk home alone?” he asked and you nodded. “Isn’t it dangerous?”

“No further than sitting out here with you, I’m sure.”

Mark grinned. “You think I’m dangerous?”

“Shall I remind you of why I don’t do pilots?” you teased and Mark laughed genuinely. You seem enamoured by the sound.

“So what do you do?”

You blushed so much that Mark couldn’t help but reach out and cup your warm cheek with his hand, the humour from the situation dissolving. “Would you be willing to make an exception to your rule? Date me, Y/N.”

“After one night?”

“Many don’t even wait a night,” he reminded and you shook your head, smiling all the same. “How long do I need to win you over? If you aren’t aware, I’m kind of competitive.”

You placed a hand on your hip and cocked your head to the side. “Oh, so like the bet, I’m a prize to be won?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Mark faltered and you giggled, standing back up and looking down at Mark. He shot you an earnest look. “One date, Y/N. Let me take you to dinner, or a movie, or dinner and a movie.”

“I’m not so sure,” you mentioned airily and wiped your hands on the apron around your waist. “And I best get back to work. Maybe I’ll see you around? Serve you even. I hope you’ll remember me.”

Mark grinned after you, knowing you weren’t going to give up on him either. He obviously needed to show you more of his interest and so for the next three weeks, he turned up at the bakery almost every day, during lunch and then to walk you home after your shift ended. And every time he arrived at your doorstep, you would smile at him and say the same thing over again, “I’ll see you around.”

Mark was starting to wonder if you even saw him as someone worth dating. He was highly attracted to you by now, your walks always full of conversation. You told him more about your life and he traded his own stories with you, swinging your hand lightly in his once you allowed him too. Had he been aware of your inner thoughts, he would have realised you were already classing these moments as dates. But Mark was fixated on the official announcement, waiting for you to tell him every day.

But it just didn’t come.

“You still chasing the skirt of that girl?” Jackson inquired and Mark glanced up from his breakfast before going back to eating. The man chuckled. “She must not be into you. What did you say to get her to kiss you on the cheek that night? Did you bribe her too?”

Mark smiled to himself but didn’t answer Jackson.

“There’s a new showing at the theatre this weekend,” Jinyoung mentioned from across the table and smiled at Mark. “Suggest it to her; I think it’s based off one of the books she reads.”

“How do you know about her?” BamBam questioned his fellow comrade and Jinyoung shrugged his shoulders, giving Mark a knowing look before going back to his meal. BamBam turned to Mark. “Are you talking more with him than us? We set you up with her!”

“Technically, since he’s not dating Y/N yet, we didn’t do anything,” Jackson mused and then tapped his spoon on Mark’s tray. “Okay Tuan, I will give you-”

“No,” he cut him off, smiling over at his friends. “No more bets, Y/N’s not a prize.”

It was raining by the time Mark left the base to go pick you up from work and so he borrowed Yugyeom’s, another teammate, car to collect you. He was early to pick you up and so he sat there listening to the radio, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel and waiting to see you appear. When you and the ladies finally stepped out and locked up the store, he tooted, pulling his upper body out of the window so you could see it was him. The girls all laughed, shoving you playfully.

“Where did you get the car from Mark?”

“Would you like a lift?” he offered and you grinned, looking at the girls who pushed you over to him. He jumped out of the car and dashed around to open the door for you, looking back at your friends. “It’s raining; don’t you want to come with us?”

“No, we have somewhere else to be,” Betty replied and Lane looked at her in confusion.

“We do?”

“We do,” Betty confirmed, grabbing your friend by the arm and waving you both off. Mark laughed gratefully at their sacrifice and then closed your door, hopping back in on his side.

He then glanced over at you, grinning as he shook off his wet hair. You whined. “Mark, you’re soaked!”

“I’m fine,” he assured, putting the car into gear and pulling away from the curb. He estimated the drive to be less than ten minutes and he sighed, wanting to prolong his time with you. An idea came to mind and he looked over at you when he stopped at the only set of lights in town. “Say, would you like to see something with me?”

“I haven’t said yes to dating you, Mark Tuan.”

“It’s not a date, I promise. I want to show you something special to me. Would you like to see?” he asked again and you nodded shyly. Mark grinned and changed course, heading to the lane that wasn’t too far away from the airbase. The houses here were much older than in town, the land having been developed from the farms that once dominated this area. He pulled up in the drive of one in particular, smiling as he looked out the screen at it.

You stared at the For Sale sign quietly before turning to Mark. “This is the place you told me about, right?”

“Yeah, this is my future home,” he mentioned softly, unable to hide the smile from his face. He settled into the chair and pointed to the grand farmhouse. Or at least, it would look that way once he was done with it. Mark explained everything he wanted to do to the exterior of the place and you listened intently, your gaze brightening the longer he told you of his plans.

“Can we go onto the property?” you asked and Mark nodded until he looked out at the rain falling again.

“Uh, I don’t have an umbrella with me. Are you okay with running over?”

You nodded excitedly and opened your door, leaping out and taking the overgrown track up to the house. Mark followed you, listening to your laughter until you were up on the veranda. You spun around and then shook off, spraying water bullets all over him.

“Y/N! You’re wet!” he cried like you had earlier and laughed with you, before opening the door. You gasped and Mark encouraged you over. “I know the guy selling this place, it’s okay.”

“But it wasn’t locked,” you said and Mark held up the key he had used. “I didn’t see you use it!”

“I’m a soldier, I have quick reflexes,” he teased, ushering you inside. Despite the dim lighting, you were both able to see your way around easily enough. Mark continued running through his renovation ideas with you and was surprised when you started offering your own.

“A dining table should go here, right in the heart of the kitchen. And you should knock this wall out so the laughter of the living area can be shared within this space as well. This house needs laughter.”

Mark leaned against the wall as you walked around the space, sharing your envisions as you moved about. He couldn’t stop staring at you though, seeing everything you were saying but with you in it.

Laughing with you, cooking with you, children running around you both. It was crazy, he hadn’t known you that long and yet it was so easy to want all of that with you. And when you finished talking, he could see a similar desire building within your gaze. You smiled and came back to his side. “Well, what do you think?”

“Will you go on that date with me this weekend?” he asked and you blinked at the change in topic. Mark reached forward to hold you affectionately. “I need you to say yes to me.”

“Why?”

“I can’t envision all that you said without you involved in it too.”

You smiled, nodding lightly. “You can pick me up at seven.”

But Mark didn’t make it to the date as planned. Instead, he was up in the skies, deployed that morning with the rest of the AIRFORCE7 squadron to gather Intel. He didn’t even have time to call you before heading out, orders were made and the planes instantly up in the air. As he navigated through the sunset, he thought over how he would have been just turning up now to pick you up. He wondered what you would have worn for him and smiled to himself the longer he imagined it. And then he sighed, hoping you would hear from some of the other ladies in town about their mission.

Mark prayed you weren’t waiting by the window for him to turn up all night.

He continued to think of you until he needed to focus on his mission at hand, successfully heading to his coordinates and collecting the data the air force required from him and the rest of his team. After refuelling at an allied airfield, they returned home, flying throughout the next day. He had barely landed on the runway and pulled his Mustang into position near the aircraft hangars when he noticed that you were waiting for him. Mark had to blink multiple times to ensure he wasn’t just wishing you were there to greet him, and he scrambled out of the cockpit, leaping down to the ground and approaching you with haste. He was worried you would disappear right when he reached your side.

Instead, you shot him a stern look. “You’re late.”

“You’re here,” he murmured and you nodded. “Why are you… how did you know when I’d come back?”

“I have a friend who works in the radio tower. When I realised you weren’t coming, I rang in to ask of you. They didn’t tell me details but they did confirm you had flown away from me, pilot.”

“I came back though, didn’t I?” he pointed out as he took you in his arms and you tried to bite back your smile. “I came back to you.”

“You better promise you’re going to keep coming back too,” you told him before stretching up to place a chaste kiss on his lips. Settling back onto your heels you smiled. “We have a house to renovate together.”

Mark scooped you up in another kiss, this time unleashing the passion that had built up from seeing you waiting for him. He held you tightly, kissing you without any regard as to who was around you both. Finally, when he pulled away, he winced sheepishly. “I have to go into debriefing. Can you wait a little longer for me?”

“I’m not sure,” you said, holding onto his shirt as you regained some of your composure. “Maybe I should just meet you there.”

“Where?”

You smiled. “For our date. Or are you going to stand me up again?”

“No ma’am,” he answered, kissing you again tenderly. “I’ll be there.”

_________________

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[ruby-stones-blog1]

Mentions of: @domschreave and @sera-chamberlaine

It comes in waves, I close my eyes, hold my breath and let it bury me.

Smiling at every aestheticly pleasing object in my vision and adrenalin and serotonin floating my bloodstream, I skip trough the halls. Making pirouettes along the way, strolling on pointe and restraining myself from jumping into the air. My pace getting slower as I reach my room, carefully turning the knob and opening the door before entering. My maids greet me with pleasant smiles, while excitingly waiting to hear every single detail about my short interview with the prince today. I sigh and try to keep my fading smile plastered onto my face. “So how did it go, Lady Ruby?”, Aurelia asks with an excited giggle following her question. “Is he as handsome as everyone says he is?”, Radia squeaks.

“Just let me sit down first, I am still a bit dizzy”, I comment a bit overwhelmed and let myself glide onto the floor, smoothing out any creases in my bright yellow day dress. “Do you want some water, Lady Ruby?”, the petite brunette, Luna, asks with a worried expression clouding her face. I just simply nod as a response, trying to calm myself down while exhaling deeply. Don’t throw up Rubes, you don’t want to ruin that lovely carpet. Luna hands me a little shiny glass cup of ice cold water, little drops running down the side of the coquille, wetting my slighlty shaking fingers. With a lot of effort I manage to bring it to my lips, letting the water glide down my aching throat, wetting my mouth and cooling my lungs. I sit up straight and take another deep breath before taking an other small slip of the cold wet. Radia takes the fragile jar out of my shaking grip while stroking my back. “It’s okay, Lady Ruby. Everything will be fine”, I shake my head while feeling my blood pressure growing and growing, even though serotonin left my body a long time ago. Anxiety keeps creeping up my body, numbing every inch of it, taking control. “Shall I get you some medication?”, Radia speaks up again, having no idea what to do with my fragile and messed up mind. I slowly shake my head and get out a simple demand with my shaking and scratchy voice: “I just need some time alone.” “But Miss, we can’t just (…)”, Aurelia starts of her complain while worryingly eyeing me. “It’s fine Aurelia, I just need some time for myself. And I am pretty sure you’ve got something better to do then watching me wheep”, I try to laugh to lighten the mood which only comes out as a scratchy cough. “Are you sure with that?”, Luna asks suspicious, bitting her nails while studying my expression. “Yes, I am very sure”, I state, not backing down. Luna nods and is the first one to quietly leave the room, Radia and Aurelia following her lead with a longing glaze at my fragile silhouette.

After the door falls shut, the first sob is escaping my rough throat, making an inhuman sound an ripping through the walls. Salty tears start streaming down my face, dissolving my makeup and creating an ongoing waterfall along my neck. Wet dark spots appear on my delecate dress, ruining it’s stunningly fabric. How could I’ve been so stupid (…), so stupid to believe I could make it. Why did I even try? Why didn’t I just stay home? I sob again at the thought of home and regret ever betraying father. I should have listened to him! I will be eliminated in a few hours and got no where to go. Mum won’t take me back without a promising husband, so where will I live? Gosh, I would never survive on my own and if I get kicked out now, my career will be over as fast as I can say Guacamole. An other sob rips trough the air, making the walls shiver while tears are now wetting the floor beneath me. I rest my head onto the cold floor while small needy sounds are escaping my mouth.

With a soft noise my door cracks open, I slowly look up and see a dark beauty who I can identify as Lady Seraphine, standing in the doorway. “Why are you crying like that?”, confidence radiating of her flawless skin. With a confused expression I only manage to bring out a little “Huuhh?” sound. “You’re on the floor, crying like a little child. Why?”, she asks in a demanding voice, closing the door. “I fucked up”, I manager to say with a sniffled sound. She sighs and makes here way towards me, siting down on the edge of my large princess bed. “What did you do?” I take one last breath before starting to ramble with in a whiny voice: “Like for the first half I didn’t even talk and then he asked me what I did for fun”, I start sobbing again, trying to remember every thing that went wrong during the interview, “and bare in my mind I rarely do anything for fun and then I said something and he thought it was boring and then I asked him if he could love someone like me who doesn’t even know themselves.” I sniffed a bit before I add: “I am such an idiot.” Sera stares at me with a confused and anoyed look, still sitting on the bed above me. “W-wait hold up girl, about who are we talking here?”, she groans, “you got to make yourself more clear.” I slighlty nod while stating that I am complaining about my interview with Price Dominic. “Ah right the interview, I’m sure you didn’t screw that up”, she states, confident in here words. But how can she know? “ I am pretty sure that I am the first one to be eliminated. He probably thinks that I am way to weird for him”, I state, burying myself in self-loathing. “Oh come on, you can’t be that bad. I bet some out there were weirder than you.” “Are you sure?”, I ask still sniffeling a bit. “You have to drop the insecurity girl, it won’t bring you anywhere.” She is right, but I’ll never as confident as her. I mean, how could I with that lack of social skills. “But how do I do that Sera?”, I ask like a little girl trying to learn to tie her shoelaces into a proper knot. “Of course I am sure”, she proudly comments before commanding: “First of all get up from that floor and wipe your tears away, don’t cry over a boy.” I do what she says and take a seat next to her on my light pink duvet, whipping away the salty tears still leaking from my watery eyes. “Good, second don’t worry too much about what you say. If you show you don’t care and have trust in your words you already come over much more confident”, she states trying to encourage me to be myself. Can I even be me, without knowing who my true self is? The same doubt came up at the end of my interview, ruining it for once and forever.

“But I don’t know how to properly socialise so how will I appear more confident if I am not capable of holding proper conversations”, I bring up my doubts from earlier, clearly stating my weaknesses. I definitely shouldn’t be that open towards a complete stranger. Only god knows what she will do with these information, maybe even feeding it to the press, trying to ruin my calm and collected representation. But I have a feeling that she is clearly different, maybe even as misunderstood and mistreated as me. We would share the same dispair. “I think you need to get out of your shell more, be bold, go to people and talk to them. Be more… like me.” Be bold, I repeat in my head, be bold.

“I don’t think it’s possible to be just like you… But I’d like to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. But how exactly do I do that?” “By really just going for it, doing things you wouldn’t do normally. What is something you won’t do usually?” Gosh that’s such a hard question. Nearly everything I have experienced in the last 48 hours and which I am experiencing right now, is at least a bit unfamiliar to me. “Applying to the selection was already one of it”, I laugh a bit at that very obvious answer, “but I normally do everything my parents ask me to do, so…. Maybe I wouldn’t eat chocolate or throw knifes normally?” I should definitely try one of these the next few days, okay, maybe not the last one. “I get that.. but that is exactly what you need to do then. Eat all the chocolate that you want, talk to people, throw knives at them”, she states with a small sad smile gracing her lips. After realising what she said she coughs a bit while adding a “sorry not at them of course”, who h makes me giggle. “I should definitely try that. But do chocolate and pizza actually taste that good as everyone says they do?” “You’ll have to find out for yourself, honey.” “But what if it tastes so good I can’t stop eating?”, I moan a bit due to her sketchy and teasing answer. “Then you keep eating, so what?”, she shrugs her shoulders and stares at me with an innocent expression gracing her beautifull painted features. “But thenI’ll ruin my body”, I whine while pouty lips are distorting my face, making me look like an immature six year old schoolgirl. “I thought we, as dancers, had some sort of discipline?”, Sera wonders while raising an eyebrow. She is right, we do have a lot of discipline, but I actually planned on throwing it all out of the window during the course of the selection. “We do. Maybe I can control myself with the chocolate”, I sigh while realising that no tears are running down my face. My pulse has finally calmed down a bit and Dom’s face isn’t clouding my messy head anymore. “You better do, it would be a waste of your body.”

I massage my soar hands, finally feeling the blood running trough my veins again, banishing the numbness which took over my fragile body way to long. “You are right. Maybe just a tiny bit of chocolate. I can manage that”, I agree with her while nodding, still making out the dizziness located in my chaotic head. “See”, she states while getting up again, smoothing out her dress and looking towards the door, “you’re all good.” “Thank you Sera”, I state gratefully while taking her small figure into my embrace, giving her a loving hug. I inhale slowly, being glad that I still know the rough basics of showing emotion through simple, everyday actions. I deeply sigh as I realise that I don’t even know when I last hugged someone. It could have been years ago. “No problem, but you have to do it on your own now girl”, she gladly accepts the hug. Slowly I take a step back, trying not to let the sadness take over again, and state while nodding: “I promise Sera. I am a big girl.” A genuine smile is gracing my lips, happiness and warmth is floating my body, a tingly feeling is spreading through my veins. She rolls her eyes again and smiles lightly before mentioning: “I got something for you, as a farewell gift.” A farewell gift? Is she already leaving? No, that can’t be. She hasn’t had her interview yet and I doubt that Prince Dom would eliminate a beauty like her right away. She hands me a little flask and calmy remarks: “Give it to Dominic, when he is annoying you, or when you’re married.” With narrowed eyes I inspect the shiny little flask and wonder what liquid is filling up this coquille. I nod slightly, while tugging it under my pillow: “Thank you sera, I will give it to him if the time comes.” “Good”, she states while looking in the mirror and touching up her dark brown silky hair, “I got to go now, remember my words okay? Be bold girl, you got it.“

Be bold.

“I will live your advice Sera. Thanks for that”, I affirm her plea and present her a last genuine smile. I fumble with my hands, still feeling the warmth returning to my limbs. She winks at me before heading to the dark brown wooden door, walking out with a “I’ll miss you Rubes.”

I stare at the closed door for a couple of seconds thinking about her last words, wondering if they confirmed my assumptions, before I shrug it off and stand up with weak knees and make my way to my grand white desk. With gleaming eyes, I stare at my complexion and my slightly ruined make up. I could make a panda competition with this look. With an easy flick of my wrist, I grab a makeup wipe and gently rub off the remaining face paint clogging my pores. After moisturizing my now clean face, I try to imitate a few steps my maids taught me this morning while Zuzu was warming up her voice. First I shall use primer, than put on some matching foundation with a brush, after that I should apply concealer, powder and a little bit of eyeshadow and add blush for some rosy cheeks. The finishing touches consist of a simple eyeliner without a wringe, or whatever they call it, a bit of nude lipstick and then I am done. I proudly view my finished makeup and am definitely very pleased with the results. It’s definitely not the best, but I am still learning, it’s definitely better than the make up I used to apply at competitions and much better than the mess my face was before. With one last sip of water, I make my way to the closet and choose one of the already finished evening gowns and let it glide over my smooth skin. A blood red gown is now gracing my complexion, creating contrast against my dark skin, while making my red cheeks stand out as well. I twirl around and admire my dress floating in the hair, while discerning my figure from different angles. My hair is still in a pretty updo from earlier this evening, revealing my prominent collarbones and round shoulders. I nod towards my complexion in the mirror, a proud and confident smile appearing on my lips, now I can be bold.

[its-lifestyle]

The American Psychiatry Association merging of four autism diagnoses into one umbrella diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) in 2013 has not gone down well with consultant psychiatrist Dr Subash Kumar Pillai.

He says, “How autism is diagnosed now is very inclusive. If you follow the book, the prevalence of ASD has just shot up because so many things are now included that are not necessarily an issue.

“Before, a child has ASD traits if he doesn’t speak or doesn’t speak much, has repetitive behaviour or doesn’t socialise.

“What’s the big deal? The important thing is that the child can talk.

“The ones that speak late will eventually speak. They may not be great socialisers and may have repetitive behaviour – as a layperson, we would call them nerds, but now, we label them autistic.”

The important factor, Dr Subash feels, is the environment children are brought up in.

“At a very young age, there is a lot parents can do to improve the child’s environment and skills.

“We have to get parents to understand that not talking below a certain age is not necessarily a problem. A quiet person will find a quiet interest and be happy.”

If a child has some ASD traits and cannot talk after five or six years, or was speaking a little before stopping, then further investigations are warranted.

“If you don’t manage the problem early, most of these kids will be bullied and taunted in regular school for being ‘different’.

“Oftentimes, the environment doesn’t work out because these non-sociable children like to ask non-related questions or ask at the wrong time.

“If you put six physicists in a room along with one singer, who is the odd one out?

“In my book, there is no normal as normal depends on the environment,” opines Dr Subash.

The psychiatrist sees a lot of undiagnosed older teenagers and adults with ASD, who were not given the nurturing environment they needed and now exhibit signs of depression and anxiety, as well as have relationship problems and anger management issues.

Those diagnosed as ASD often have high IQ (intelligence quotient), but low EQ (emotional quotient).

Dr Subash believes that children with autism just look at things differently, which is quite normal. — IZZRAFIQ ALIAS/The Star

“There is this imbalance. A lot of them may not be geniuses, but they just look at things differently,” he says, citing a former five-year-old patient who could rattle off every brand and serial number of vacuum cleaners in the market.

He recalls, “When I was in Year Four, we used to draw aeroplanes in class, but one boy would only draw sports shoes. He was different and probably became a shoe designer.

“So maybe, in order to be a designer, you need to be an introvert? These are not abnormalities, but gifts that you don’t know how to use when young.

“Sadly, parents and teachers see it as a problem because the norm is for every boy to draw aeroplanes or play football.

“Why not chess or archery? A nerd is often an introvert, but so are most doctors!”

Famous people with ASD include scientist and mathematician Albert Einstein, actor Dan Aykroyd, musician Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, artist Michelangelo, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates, and creator of Nintendo’s Pokémon Satoshi Tajiri.

Naturally, if these “different” kids are not managed well in childhood, they will have plenty of problems as an adult.

Persons with ASD, which is more prevalent in men, can have a normal married life, but their partner may find some issues later.

For example, the autistic man may continue collecting figurines, may not want to go out or to strictly stick to routine.

The wife may come to deem him as boring, leading to marital conflict.

“So these ‘nerds’ come to me. They have enough social skills to have a relationship, but often, their partners don’t understand.

“Initially, the wife may have thought introverts are safe and stable as a life partner, but after a while, she realises he is too predictable.

“If you let it go, the husband ends up becoming more routinised (staying in their comfort zone) and the wife has to take care of everything.

“They’re very good at work, but where EQ is involved, such as looking after children, they’re not good.

“I have to teach them that routine is not important and they must change.

“In adults, this is difficult as it is already ingrained, hence, the relationship with the therapist is important,” explains Dr Subash.

If the problem persists and the autistic adult is pushed hard enough, he may feel trapped, burst out in anger and become psychotic if not treated with anti-depressants.

Suicide is possible, but not common.

“If they have been labelled as autistic, it becomes a bigger problem as an adult because they have low self-confidence.

“I usually don’t tell them they are autistic as it’s not necessary. People who fall in this spectrum are ‘experts’; they want things their way.

“A layperson may think they are stubborn, but they are not,” he asserts.

Dr Subash’s advice to improve their social skills: encourage activities in solo sports (archery, chess, etc), music and art.

When there is no team effort, they don’t feel overwhelmed. They will excel due to their ability to focus and be detail-oriented.

from Family – Star2.com http://bit.ly/2VA5mDE

[taperjeangirl11-blog]

It wasn’t really like a lightbulb moment for me, discovering I was ill. Perhaps I was always aware something was wrong but pushed it to the side. See, I thought it was normal. Feeling as if everybody is staring at you or talking about you, being constantly paranoid, having low self worth and believing you’re not worthy of anything good happening, not being able to answer the door or the phone unless I knew who the person was, staying in bed all day because you can’t face to do anything, crying so much it felt like my heart was about to rip out my chest and getting into a panicked state. The smallest of tasks such as going for a shower or brushing my teeth being seen as huge a task as climbing Everest. And although I had made big plans for the future, I knew realistically I would never carry these out. All because of my depression and anxiety.

I always knew I felt different from when I was a young age. I remember confiding in my uncle and told him I felt weird and different from everybody; I felt as if everybody was staring at me while I walked in the school gates. He told me he understood me and that it was normal, everybody felt like that. So I shrugged it off. However, I would suffer some childhood traumas. When I was around 8 years old, while my mum was at work, I was looked after by my gran, grandpa and my uncle who lived with them. My uncle was an alcoholic and suffered from mental health problems himself. I remember one night, it was a Sunday because I had school in the morning, as I was completing my homework, my Uncle came through to the livingroom. He had his top and off and had slashed his torso, while blood was dripping down him. I remember being sick that night and then being sent to stay with my auntie. I was too young to understand back then but I knew it wasn’t right. My uncle passed away 2 years later and I took it hard. Being 10 years old and at such a fragile age, suffering a big loss affects you in a way you would never think. At school, things were also going very badly. My best friend at the time, was not a very nice person. She would bully others because of their appearance or anything else she seen as an insecurity. I never seen anything wrong with it because I knew she was my best friend, why would she be nasty? So therefore I was joining in too. I still to this day feel awful for it and is one of the reasons I beat myself up. However one day, my best friend turned against me too which spiralled another whole bad episode for me. I would be scared to leave school early incase I got abused, I would hate going to school altogether because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, however I put up with it because I was scared I was going to be excluded from my social circle. It was at this point I started to learn the true cruelities of life…. I remember thinking I don’t want to be part of this life anymore if this is how it is going to be. A thought still to this day that I carry. Life can be vicious and I really do question what the point is. It would be so much easier not being here and escaping it, hopefully going to a better place. I try not to think like that though, although it is difficult when faced with another challenge.

High school then started, and so did my anxiety. Growing up I had never really been afraid to mix with other people or struggled to make friends, however when I started high school, I really really started to care what people thought of me. I remember one day me and my friends were playing when a girl commented “those girls think they’re all it”. Nothing major – I know. But that really struck me and from then I would only wear trousers, minimal make-up, no jewellery and my hair would always be tied up. I was scared to make an effort incase people thought that I was trying to impress others, I also struggled socially. I realised I was different from the other girls. While girls my age were getting their first kisses and gushing over One Direction and experimenting with make-up, I stuck with my very quiet and loyal group of friends, obsessed over The Cure and would get panicky around boys. I couldn’t see a way out of it. I felt awful looking back, it was probably some of the worst years of my life and I never realised how unwell I was, mentally. However, as I got older, I slowly but surely got more confident in my own skin. I made a new group of friends and started experimenting for the first time. I wore more make-up to school, wore my hair down, a skirt, tried my first cigarette, had sex for the first time, started to drink a lot. I’m not proud of it looking back now, but I felt like I had to go through this stage in order to realise who I was. I then met my boyfriend when I was 15 years old and fell in love. I seen a future with this guy and put my trust in him, I remembering feeling so happy and somewhat privileged seeing as how he was seen as one of the most hottest guys in my years.. he wanted me. It didn’t make sense to me. Things were going really well, until one day he started acting weird with me. He wouldn’t reply to my texts, he would ignore me, we seen less of each other due to timetable clashes, I remember feeling at a low point. It inevitably came to an end when I realised he had been messaging other girls. My heart sunk and my confidence hit an all time low. I felt worthless, however he had a hold on me. Our on/off relationship continued for about 6 months when I discovered he had slept with someone else. That was the end for me. I remember I felt like the ground fell beneath my feet that day, and questioned how someone that I loved could do that to me? I know now it sounds naïve and we were so young but when I love someone, that’s it.. no doubt about it and I give my all. Feeling the way I did about my self, I didn’t feel worthy at all anymore and decided that I didn’t care – it seemed easier to not care and that way you don’t get hurt, because I was fed up of getting hurt. Hurt by those who supposedly loved me, I grew tired of everything. I started drinking more, I started smoking again and slept around. Not proud of it now but I realise now it was my coping strategy – he hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him back. As I grew into my late teens and left school, not much changed. Mentally, I would have awful days and I found a way to numb the pain – alcohol. See, you don’t really think about anything when you’re drunk and distracted by others. You don’t think about the shit going on around you or what has happened in the past, in fact you don’t think about anything at all. I suppose I got used to the feeling of being numb, it was better than feeling anything. A quick summary of the following years – I went to university, and I hate it. It makes my anxiety boil up to the point I’ve only recently been able to go to the library, but only if I sit next to a door and it’s not a packed area. I struggle to socialise, I hardly ever go in and I struggle with my concentration. Yet, I’m stubborn minded in the fact that I am going to complete it. I’m not going to let my illnesses control me. It’s easier said than done though. As mentioned before, I’ve made all these big plans; go on to do a post-grad, travel, do more activities, however I know in reality I’ll stay in bed for the remainder of my days because that’s the easiest thing to do – shut away the world. My mental illnesses have also brought on physical illnesses also, the stress that I was suffering is said to have caused my gastritis – a stomach condition where the acid attacks your stomach lining. Also, I sleep all the time. It doesn’t matter if I sleep 12 hours during the night, I’m guaranteed to have to go for a 2 hour nap during the day or otherwise I will be exhausted. I don’t look after myself – I’m ashamed to say it but my personal hygiene isn’t always up to scratch, I rarely get dressed and don’t look after myself like other 21 year olds do. I wish I was another 21 year old.

Recently, my grandfather suffered a heart attack. He’s 87 now and is not very well. Without him, I know I will crumble. It’s inevitable, I know however the thought make me feels panicky and ill. I don’t know how I’ll cope. So much so that this happening lead to me deferring my exams. It wasn’t my choice exactly, I got recommended to after I suffered an anxiety attack in university 2 hours before my exam – I convinced myself I left my straighteners on even though I knew I hadn’t, struggled to concentrate and then panicked about everything. I never wanted university to get involved with my business, because I guess I seen that as failing… However, I know now it’s okay to ask for help. I’ve been suffering in silence for years now without any support and now I’m receiving it. I’m now on a course of anti-depressants, signed up for counselling and also receiving support from the university. So before you may judge someone for “being lazy” or rude or even judging them, please think twice… mental health is just as damaging as any other illness.

[lovehealthlaugther-blog]

Break Ups </3

Most people at the end of break ups curl into a ball and die inside.

Yes I did this. 

Yes I also did this with multiple large amounts of chocolate and tissues at my disposal. 

But I felt so much better doing the simplest of things. I thought it rather extraordinary, that after so many nights dwelling and crying into my pillow, I was actually happy after doing a small everyday thing that otherwise I would of took for granted.

My simple thing today was seeing my nieces. 

I felt so low but after seeing them I felt as though my woes were lighter and my heart was smiling. 

Family can be a strength. Although many people have different strengths, mine is absolutely family. 

When the naïve-thought-impossible event happened the first person I ran to was my mum for comfort. I remember half stumbling into the living room, my broken heart on my sleeve and I reached out through almost infant-mother instinct for emotional aid. 

Family is a gift and I will treasure it always.

Sorry I went off on a tangent there, but these ‘simple things’ giving you strength during a break up is highly important. Even brushing your hair or eating a substantial meal can help so much when your feeling emotionally drained. People can sometimes not understand how an emotionally draining event can have an impact on your body. 

Some changes I experienced through emotional stress:

1) Lack of appetite

2) Lack of sleep

3) Stress acne/eczema

4) Low self-esteem

5) Thoughts of self-harm 

6) Depressive/angry mood swings

7) Worsened immune system (more colds and feeling ill)

8) Nausea and headaches

9) Overthinking past situations

10) Pushing important people away

11) Losing interest in things that I used to enjoy

I know many people are like ‘you’ll get over it don’t be a drama queen’ and ‘time will heal you he didn’t deserve you anyway’. Like my previous post, this highlights people rushing the emotional process one takes to get over a devastating event.

Although to other people a break up is hardly deemed to be a ‘devastating event of significance’ it is however significant to you. Especially if it was a particularly serious relationship that took up most of your life and energy. Also there are the circumstances around which the break up was centred�� that other people may not understand, and also how deeply you felt about that person. 

You cannot ‘just’ get over this person.

Referring again to my previous post, it takes time to get over something that affected you so deeply your whole perception possibly not only on love but on the world has changed. 

It changed how I trusted people, how I first view people, it knocked my confidence, it removed my naivety and innocence. Of course I have had other break ups, two others to be exact, but being IN love is an entirely different matter.

You felt when you were with them that they were the one, that they were your future, you were the happiest you’ve ever been and have never felt more secure. With the others I felt none of that. It felt more mature and therefore new and deep and I fell so deeply in love with this individual.

But then it happens. The break up.

And everything, as I’ve said, changes. 

The slow and steady crawl to salvation seems a long and painful one, but I promise you if you take your time and do what's best for your mental and physical wellbeing you will thank yourself for embarking on that long journey. 

My long journey started just under a week ago, and being surrounded by people I love and doing the things I love has helped enormously. I promise you, sitting in your room (as much as you think that will help) will not in fact help. By not taking control of your life, such as going to work as normal, looking after yourself and socialising will actually make you feel worse.

How? You ask. Can anything make me feel more worse than I am right now?

The answer for me was quite simply that if you can’t try and normalise your life, how can you move on? Sitting in your pit eating Ben and Jerrie’s cookie dough ice cream, in three day old pyjama bottoms and a sweatshirt that has vague Spaghetti Bolognese stains on it (Yes I’m disgusting I know I was still grieving) and not washing yourself is not exactly going to make you feel any better is it?

Yes ‘grieve’ the loss of your short lived love, but you can’t grieve forever. 

I have tried to create a series of stages for the process of getting over a break up:

1) GRIEVING (Try a month)

Try to not grieve for more than 3-4 weeks. This stage is the most extreme stage for emotional distress, from the day you break up. You MUST still go to work and do the most IMPORTANT jobs like laundry, washing up...etc. But you are allowed to cry and break apart at any time you want to, and take things in your stride. If you want to watch a whole box set with a load of chocolate DO IT.

DO NOT be ashamed.

2) UNDERSTANDING (No set time)

In this stage it is kind of like dwelling, but dwelling more on how YOU feel and how YOU think. Disregard what the other person has said and how THEY feel.

There is no set time for this, this could possibly last until the day you suddenly wake up and think ‘you know what I’m over that, that’s old news’ and realistically that seems like a lifetime away I’m not going to lie. But...

*Think about how you felt in the relationship. Was it worth it? How did they make me feel? Would I let them back into my life again as a friend? How close were we? What did they do that benefitted me? How did they treat me? What did my friends and family think of them?

**Once these personal questions have been addressed think about the relationship as a whole. Think about how it would of fit into your life plan, for example: would a long distance relationship have worked in like five years time for me? 

***Lastly, understand that even though you feel these awful emotions now you’ve survived possibly worse things than this and other break ups, if you can get through those you can get through this. 

3) SEEKING (Three-six months)

This is the nicest stage I must admit. This is predominantly about finding new hobbies and interests and trying to expand your social network and circle, seeking new opportunities and ways to develop a sense of security and to help to create a new and fresher you. This will be a hard thing to do when your feeling crappy, but going to groups and trying to seek fresher ideas will make you feel as though your taking control of your life and creating a new one without them present in it.

MAKE NEW MEMORIES!

4) DISPELLING (No set time)

This again like the UNDERSTANDING stage has no set time limit. Removing them fully from your life and trying to move on is no easy task. This is why this is the hardest stage. I mean removing anything you possess that they've bought you or holds any link to them. REMOVE IT. 

I still have my ex’s hoodie, and as pathetic as it sounds it hurts to remove it from my wardrobe and throw it in a bin or give it back to them because I still want them in my life as more than friends. 

This is why I’m not in this stage yet. 

5) MOVING ON (No set time limit)

The fourth stage is very hard, but this one due to the previous stages is made slightly easier. There is no set time limit as everyone’s finality to their past can still take some time. 

By GRIEVING, UNDERSTANDING, SEEKING and DISPELLING this stage should be a breath of fresh air. 

All you have to do is agree never to look back and to no longer hope they come back into your life. It is like a wave goodbye. 

More like a final gesture. A stamp. As the fourth stage should of done the hard parts for you. 

You can allow yourself to be sad, but try and shake it off and be hopeful for the future.

6) NORMALITY

You have finally reached the stage where you are absolutely 100% not fussed with/about them. They can have a new girl/boy for all you care. You might possibly have a beefcake by then. 

*wink* *wink*

According to this creation I am still in the grieving stage, but I am hopeful that things will better. This list is simply a guide, it may work for me but not necessarily for you, the human brain and emotions are very complex and not everyone deals with things in the same way. 

Remember when life gives us lemons...make lemonade!

Love you all. Goodnight!