#i wish you never made made me do those things for you.

[surielstea]

Embers Entwined

Pairing: Eris Vanserra x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader was one of the most affected by Beron’s rule, after his death Eris was crowned High Lord and Reader became his personal servant by extension, what happens when she begins to recognize Eris for his kindness and not his cruelty?

Warnings: Beron being a right asshole as usual, and some kissing (*gasp* the scandal!)

A.Note: Sorry it’s been forever!! This one took me awhile but I’m pretty happy with it. Hope you guys enjoy too! Some Azriel smut coming out in a few days also! 💋💋

Word count: 7.9k

The ball was decadent, far grander than in previous years, though I supposed tonight warranted the excess. A special occasion, one that carried far more meaning than the usual frivolous gatherings meant only to remind the rich of their own wealth.

Tonight, the Autumn Court celebrated the coronation of Eris Vanserra. More importantly to me, we celebrated Beron's death.

I would never say such a thing aloud, never give voice to the hatred that simmered in my veins. But I knew I was not alone in my sentiments. Most despised that wretched male—just not enough to ever act against him. Beron had been cruel, but only to those within his grasp. His wife. His sons. His staff. Me, in particular—his personal courtier.

It had been my duty to obey him without question, to smile and nod and endure, no matter what vile thing he asked of me. The words he'd spoken to me, the way he'd toyed with me, broken me, forced me into submission—I would never find peace after him. I knew that.

I stood against the wall of the ballroom, my hands clasped in front of me, a pleasant, vacant smile painted on my lips. The same as always. My black dress marked me as staff, distinguishing me from the nobles twirling beneath the golden glow of the chandeliers. It wasn't an ugly dress—not physically—but the symbolism it carried made my stomach churn.

I was meant to be invisible. To stand for hours, heels biting into my feet, lips aching from feigned delight, waiting. Always waiting for the High Lord's command. That was my place.

But tonight, for the first time at an event like this, someone spoke to me. Not just someone. The newly crowned High Lord.

"Do you not wish to dance?"

His voice was smoother than I expected, rich and effortless, as though the words required no thought. When I turned my head, Eris Vanserra stood before me, resplendent in his deep forest green attire, gold-threaded embroidery glinting beneath the chandeliers. Rings adorned his fingers, catching the light as he gestured vaguely toward the center of the ballroom.

I had known Eris Vanserra since I was a girl—back when my father served as Beron's personal courtier and I trained under him, shadowing his every move. In those early years, Eris and I spent countless hours in the kennels, where I had been sent to feed the hounds, and he had sought my company. Even then, I knew better than to refuse a Vanserra. But it hadn't felt like an order. Not when he spoke so passionately about his dogs, his amber eyes alight with something rare and unguarded.

I had listened, quietly captivated, as he ran his hands through thick fur, naming each hound like they were something precious, something his father could not tarnish. And though I rarely spoke, I knew he never minded.

But time had a way of reshaping things. Our duties grew heavier, our paths diverged, and whatever thread had once tied us together frayed beneath the weight of expectation. I often wondered if he remembered—the girl who once sat beside him in the straw-covered kennels, listening in rapt silence as he spoke of things he loved. Or if I had faded into nothing more than a ghost of his childhood, long forgotten.

I snapped back to the present when I realized my hesitation, startled by his presence, by his question. By him.

I glanced at him only briefly before averting my gaze. I had long since learned better than to expect kindness from the Vanserras, Eris or not. "I'm working, my lord," I answered smoothly, forcing the usual mask into place. "Besides, the late Lord Beron was always particular about the servantry enjoying themselves at these sorts of things."

A flicker of something crossed Eris's face at my words. Perhaps it was amusement, perhaps something else. I wasn't certain. Then, he did something I never would have expected. He extended his hand to me, palm up. A silent command. I stared at it, my heart stuttering.

Was this a trick? A test? Was he waiting for me to disobey so he could remind me of my place? "Well," he mused, tilting his head, "I'm not Beron, am I?"

I swallowed thickly, but I did not take his hand. His amber eyes gleamed as he studied me, something unreadable lurking beneath their molten depths. "You were my father's personal courtier, yes?"

"Correct, my lord."

"And now that he's gone, you're mine." A statement, not a question.

I nodded.

"And you're required to do as I say."

Another nod.

"Then take my hand." His voice was softer now, quieter. "Dance with me." My breath caught in my throat. I hesitated. Was he attempting to humiliate me?

I had seen what his brothers were capable of, how they had reveled in Beron's cruelty, how they had wielded it against others for their own entertainment. I had heard the stories about Eris—his ruthlessness, his ambition, his callous disregard for those beneath him. I had no reason to believe he was any different.

Yet something about the way he stood there, hand still outstretched, gaze unwavering, made my stomach tighten. He wasn't forcing me. He wasn't demanding. He was patient. I hated him for that. For making me doubt my own certainty.

But in the end, I had no choice. With a deep inhale, I placed my hand in his. His fingers curled around mine—warm, steady. Not gripping. But I knew better than to believe in illusions.

Eris Vanserra was his father's son. And I would never trust him.

The moment my hand settled in his, a hush seemed to fall over the space around us—not total silence, but a ripple in the atmosphere, a shift in attention that pressed against my skin like a physical thing.

They were watching. The nobles, the courtiers, the sycophants who had spent years learning to fear and obey Beron, and by extension, his eldest son. They watched, likely waiting for me to make a mistake, waiting to see what game Eris Vanserra was playing.

I was waiting, too. But if this was some cruel trick, he did not let it show.

Eris led me toward the dance floor with unhurried ease, his grip firm but not forceful. A reminder, perhaps, that I was following him willingly. I didn't know what unsettled me more—that he had given me a real choice, or that, despite knowing better, a part of me wanted to believe he truly meant no harm.

The moment we stepped onto the floor, the nearest dancers shifted subtly away, giving us space without making it obvious. No one wanted to be caught in the High Lord's wake, in whatever he was planning.

He turned to face me, releasing my hand only to settle one warm palm against my waist, the other clasping mine once more. I stiffened beneath his touch, the weight of it burning even through the fabric of my dress.

"Relax," he murmured, amusement curling through his tone. "It's a dance, not an execution."

I forced my muscles to remain neutral, my expression placid, though I could still feel the weight of a hundred gazes searing into me. "That remains to be seen."

His lips curved slightly. "If I wanted to make a spectacle of you, I'd have chosen something far more dramatic." He guided me into movement, a slow, fluid step that I had no choice but to follow. "But I much prefer this."

I nearly scoffed, but reeled in my tone, replacing it with a polite one. "Dancing?"

His gaze flickered down to mine, something unreadable within it. "Yes," he admitted, voice quieter now. "It's one of the few things I enjoy."

I arched a brow at him, skepticism bleeding into my tone. "Truly?"

"Truly." A small pause, then, "My mother taught me."

His hold on my waist remained steady, his movements effortless as he guided me through the waltz. "She used to say that knowing how to dance was just as important as knowing how to wield a blade. Both would assist me on a battle field."

I couldn't stop the flicker of surprise at his admission. Not because I doubted his mother's wisdom—if anything, I had always pitied the Lady of Autumn, the horrors she must have endured under Beron's rule—but because I had not expected Eris to share something so personal.

And yet, before I could decide how to respond, he added, "It was the one thing Beron couldn't take from me."

I swallowed, focusing on my movements, on the way his body angled just to keep me steady, to keep the dance seamless.

He was watching me closely, I could feel it. I hated that I could feel it.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, my voice quieter than before, as if the words might shatter between us.

His lips twitched, though there was something different in his expression now. A quiet sort of challenge. "Because you're expecting me to be my father."

I stiffened.

"I'm not," he continued, tone smooth, unwavering. "And I think you already know that."

I bit the inside of my cheek, forcing down the retort that sat at the edge of my tongue. I wanted to deny it.

Wanted to tell him he was wrong, that I had no reason to believe him, that I had no reason to trust him. That, after what I had endured, I had no space left in me for blind hope. But I couldn't. Because, for the first time, I allowed myself to see him—not the heir of Beron Vanserra, not the male who had stood by and done nothing while his father ruled with malice, but the High Lord before me now.

Eris Vanserra was dangerous, cunning, and far too quick-witted for his own good. But he was not his father. And as much as I hated it, as much as it made something twist deep in my chest—

He was also undeniably beautiful.

His russet hair gleamed beneath the chandelier light, his sharp, angular features like something carved from fine marble. And those eyes—deep amber, filled with fire and calculation, but not cruelty. Never cruelty. It unnerved me.

I averted my gaze, the pressure in my throat tightening. "I don't know anything."

His fingers flexed slightly against my waist, the only indication that he had caught the tremor in my voice.

"You will," he murmured, voice barely above a whisper. A promise.

I did not know whether it was a comfort or a threat. But I did know one thing—

The game, whatever it was, had only just begun.

As the waltz came to an end, Eris's grip on me loosened, but he did not immediately step away. His amber eyes remained locked onto mine, searching, calculating—always calculating.

I did not look away. I refused to.

Even as my heart pounded against my ribs, even as my throat tightened with the weight of memories that clawed at the back of my mind, I held his gaze.

He exhaled softly, something almost amused flickering in his expression before he lifted my hand, his touch lingering just enough to send a sharp jolt of awareness through me.

Then, with a deliberate slowness that sent heat curling in my gut, Eris pressed a kiss to the back of my hand.

A calculated move. A display of power.

And yet—his lips were warm. Gentle.

He let my hand slip from his grasp, stepping back with an air of ease, as though he had not just sent my already-frazzled mind into chaos.

"Thank you for the dance," he murmured, voice like silk and embers.

I said nothing. Because I couldn't. I simply bowed my head and turned away, ignoring the stares, the whispers that followed me as I slipped back into the shadows of the ballroom.

Eris Vanserra was dangerous. And not for the reasons I had always believed.

I had not been able to get him out of my head.

I hated it.

No matter how much I tried to shove the thoughts away—to remind myself of the horrors I had endured under Beron, of the way his sons had stood idly by for years, of the haunting whispers that surrounded Eris himself—I couldn't stop replaying that moment in my mind.

The warmth of his touch. The softness of his voice. The way he had looked at me, not with hatred, not with indifference, but with something else entirely.

It was a trick. Had to be. And yet, I found myself watching him more than I should have.

Every time he called for something, every time I had to be in his presence, I bowed low, just as I had always done for Beron. I kept my voice neutral, my head down, my routine unchanged.

As if nothing had changed at all. As if I had not danced with him. As if his hands had not burned against my skin. As if I had not spent the past few days wondering, against all reason, if perhaps he was not as evil as I had once believed.

I would not let myself believe it. Not when I had learned, time and time again, that kindness was a dangerous illusion.

So when one of the guards found me in the halls, stopping me with a clipped, "The High Lord is requesting you," a cold dread curled in my stomach.

Requesting me. Not a general summons for any courtiers. Not a task that could have been handled by anyone else. Me.

For a moment, I couldn't move. Memories crashed through me—memories of Beron's summons, of being called for with no warning, no explanation. Of standing before him, knowing what was coming but never being able to predict just how bad it would be.

My hands clenched at my sides. I swallowed hard, pushing down the panic, shoving it deep beneath layers of practiced control.

This was not Beron. I knew that. And yet, my body did not.

With carefully measured steps, I made my way to Eris's study, every inch of me wound tight.

My mind whispered warnings, my heart pounded against my ribs. I forced my hands to remain steady as I knocked once, then pushed the heavy wooden door open.

And there he was—seated behind a grand desk, amber eyes lifting to meet mine the second I entered.

Eris Vanserra, High Lord of Autumn.

And the male who, for reasons I could not begin to understand, had called for me.

I braced myself, preparing for whatever awaited me next. And prayed that I was not about to be proven a fool.

The door shut behind me with a soft thud, the sound too final, too reminiscent of a past I wanted to claw away from.

I stayed near the entrance, hands clasped in front of me, chin dipped ever so slightly—not meek, but neutral. Just as I had been trained to be.

Eris sat at his desk, one elbow braced on the armrest of his chair, fingers resting against his temple as he watched me. Not impatient. Not cruel. Just watching. Then, with that signature tilt of his head, he asked, "What's your name?"

I blinked. "My name?"

He arched a golden brow, the flickering candlelight making the sharp angles of his face seem all the more severe.

"I'd like to know who to call for to keep my company, so yes, your name."

Company. Was this a game? A test?

I studied him, searching for the trap, but found nothing except expectation.

I told him my name carefully, waiting for the moment his expression would shift, for him to sneer or mock or twist the knowledge into something mean.

But he only smiled slightly, a soft curve of his lips that felt almost out of place on a face like his.

Before I could think better of it, before I could convince myself to stay silent, I blurted, "Have you been lonely, my lord?"

Eris's head tilted further, amusement flashing in his amber eyes.

I stiffened immediately. "Forgive me for asking. That was incredibly impolite. I'm so—"

"I have." He cut me off smoothly, his voice quieter now, but no less firm.

I swallowed.

"I imagined being High Lord would be quite different," he mused, gaze flickering to the stacks of papers on his desk, the glowing hearth, the empty room around us. "Nevertheless, here we are." He nodded as if conceding something to himself.

My lips parted slightly, but I had nothing to say to that. Nothing that wouldn't cross a line I was still hesitant to even approach.

Instead, I dropped into another practiced bow. "Will that be all, my lord?"

His eyes snapped back to me, something unreadable stirring behind them.

"Eris," he corrected.

I hesitated.

"I am not my father," he said, voice quiet but edged with finality, as if he were daring me to argue. "Nor do I wish to become him. So please, call me Eris."

I nodded slowly. "...Well then, Lord Eris."

"Just Eris, my dear," he corrected again, leaning back slightly. "Like friends."

I didn't know what startled me more—that he wanted me to call him by his name, or that he had referred to me as a friend.

Still, I tried to ignore the warmth curling in my stomach as I forced myself to say, "Eris."

His lips twitched, something satisfied gleaming in his gaze. "Good girl."

The praise sent something unfamiliar down my spine, not in the way it had whenever Beron complimented me... this was different.

"Now come, get comfortable." He gestured toward the plush green chairs adjacent to his desk.

I stared at him. "You want me to sit?"

"Stand, lean, lay, I don't care." He waved a lazy hand. "Just relax."

"My lord—Eris," I corrected, still trying to wrap my mind around the strangeness of this entire interaction. "I don't get paid to... relax."

He smirked. "No, you get paid to follow my orders. And I am ordering you to get comfortable."

I stared at him for a long moment, my heart hammering in my chest as I tried to decipher the true meaning behind all of this.

But I saw no malice in his expression. No cruel intent. Just anticipation.

I swallowed and, slowly, I did as he said. I sat stiffly, hands clasped in my lap, my back straight as if Beron himself was still lurking behind me, waiting to scold me for stepping out of line.

Eris, however, did not acknowledge my rigid posture. He only let out a pleased hum, as if my mere presence was enough to meet whatever unspoken standard he had set for this moment. Then, with a flick of his wrist, he returned his focus to the parchment before him.

The only sounds in the room were the quiet scratching of his quill and the faint crackling of the candlelight.

I should have been grateful for the silence. It was better than savage words, better than commands meant to humiliate me. But instead, an odd tension settled in my chest, as if I were waiting for the real reason he'd called me here to be revealed.

Minutes passed. Then—

"You're staring," Eris murmured without looking up.

I blinked, feeling heat creep up my neck. "I am not."

His lips curved slightly, and he flipped to another parchment. "You are."

"I was merely looking in your direction." It was wrong of me to talk back, but something about him let my tongue a little looser, he didn't seem displeased by it in the slightest.

He hummed, unconvinced, dipping his quill back into ink. "And why, pray tell, were you looking in my direction?"

I hesitated. "...I was thinking."

Amber eyes flicked up from the page. "Dangerous habit."

That small smirk still played on his lips, but something about it was softer than usual, teasing rather than taunting.

I frowned, not ready for this interaction to feel comfortable, for me to feel comfortable. "I don't find it particularly dangerous."

"That's because you've never played with fire." He twirled the quill between his fingers before dragging the tip across the parchment again. "Not the kind that burns."

I scoffed. "You forget who I served before you."

He paused at that, glancing at me fully and my heart rate spiked. Too far, I'd gone too far, just a few words and the walls I built were crumbling before my very eyes.

Something unreadable flickered in his expression, but it was gone before I could place it. Instead, he dipped his head slightly, understanding the point. "Then I imagine you know better than most that fire, when wielded incorrectly, only ever destroys."

I stiffened, his words striking something deep within me.

Is that what I was? A thing destroyed? Is that what he saw when looking at me, or himself?

Eris exhaled, shifting his focus back to his work. "For what it's worth," he murmured, quieter now, "I don't intend to wield it incorrectly."

I studied him carefully, as I had done many times before, searching for the game, for the cruel edge I knew so well from his father.

But there was no trick. Only a High Lord—no, a male—focused on his work, offering me something I had never once been granted in Beron's court.

Peace.

I swallowed, forcing myself to look away, to ignore the unfamiliar warmth creeping into my bones.

Minutes passed again in silence, but this time, it didn't feel quite so heavy.

"I was serious, you know," Eris mused, not bothering to look up as he broke the quiet.

I frowned. "About what?"

"Keeping my company." He flipped to another document, signing something at the bottom. "I'd prefer your presence over my advisors any day. They're old and dull. You, at least, have some spirit."

I scoffed. "I think you are confusing obedience for spirit."

"Oh no, my dear." His lips curved in a knowing smirk. "You and I both know you're anything but obedient."

I bristled, opening my mouth to argue, but he held up a hand. "It's alright. I find it... refreshing."

I wasn't sure what unsettled me more—the implication, or the way my stomach twisted at his words. Beron preferred all the servantry to have a fiery spirit, which makes it more fun to break, but he never really could stomp my flames out, and now Eris was sparking the embers. It was dangerous, so dangerous.

Silence fell between us once more.

For a moment, I thought that would be the end of it. That I would sit there, a piece of furniture in this room while he worked, just as I had been in Beron's court.

But then, without looking away from his parchment, Eris murmured, "Tell me something, Fawn."

The way he said that nickname—so deliberate, like he was testing the way it felt on his tongue—sent something sharp down my spine.

"Tell you what?" I asked carefully.

He leaned back slightly, fingers steepled in thought. "Something real."

I hesitated. "That's vague."

"Intentionally so." He arched a brow. "Consider it a challenge."

I narrowed my eyes at him, but he only waited, watching me with that same expectant look, as if he truly wanted to hear something about me.

I exhaled. "I don't like the cold."

His lips twitched. "A courtier of Autumn who doesn't like the cold? Shocking, really." His voice was sarcastic, but something in his eyes told me he knew what I meant.

I shrugged, explaining anyway. "It reminds me of your father." The words left me before I could stop them, before I could think better of them.

Eris didn't flinch, but something in his expression shifted. "I hate the cold, too," he admitted after a beat.

I blinked, caught off guard by his honesty.

He returned his attention to the paper in front of him, but his next words were soft, almost contemplative.

"It's why I keep the fire going."

And despite everything I had come to know about Eris Vanserra—despite everything I feared—those words stayed with me long after I left his study that night.

It became routine.

Every evening, after the day's duties were done, I was summoned to Eris's study. At first, I had thought it was some kind of test, some trick to lull me into a false sense of security before he reminded me of my place. But the days passed, and the cruel words never came. The taunts never sharpened into something harsher.

Instead, I found myself sitting across from him as he worked, the fire crackling between us, filling the silence in ways neither of us felt the need to.

And I was learning things.

Not just about him—but about myself.

I learned that despite being raised under Beron's thumb, Eris did not rule with a hand of iron. He listened—to his advisors, to the reports of the court, to me, even. And when I spoke, he truly listened, as if my words meant something.

More recently I learned that he was—Gods help me—attractive.

That fact had been easy enough to ignore when I hated him, when I thought he was just another Beron in the making. But the more time I spent with him, the more I noticed things I shouldn't—like the sharp angles of his face, the golden hue of his eyes, the way his hands moved across parchment with effortless precision.

It was incredibly inappropriate.

He was a High Lord, for the Gods' sake. I was a mere servant. A courtier, yes, but still beneath him in every sense of the word.

But there were moments—subtle, fleeting—where I felt that he didn't see it that way.

Like when he'd catch me staring and smirk, as if he knew exactly where my thoughts had gone. Like when his fingers would brush against mine as he handed me a book, a touch so brief it might have been an accident, but my traitorous body knew better. Like when he said my name—not the way Beron used to, as if I were an object, a thing that existed for his whims, but as if I were someone worth hearing.

It was dangerous. He was dangerous. And yet, I kept returning to his study, night after night, drawn to him in ways I did not understand.

I was comfortable around him now. Too comfortable. And I wasn't sure if that terrified me or eased me more.

The fire crackled behind him, casting golden light over the room as I sat at his desk, scanning over the trade agreements he had asked me to review. Eris stood in front of the hearth, a glass of whiskey in his hand, watching the flames with a contemplative expression.

"They're bleeding the smaller villages dry," I murmured, flipping to the next page. "The tariffs are nearly double what they should be."

Eris hummed in response, swirling the amber liquid in his glass. "And what do you suggest, fawn?" His voice was rich, edged with amusement.

I exhaled sharply through my nose, biting back a smile at the teasing lilt in his tone. "Lowering them would be a start."

He took a slow sip of whiskey, then turned, his gaze burning even hotter than the fire behind him. "Very well. Lower them."

I blinked. "Just like that?"

"Just like that." He smirked, as if amused by my surprise. "You have a sharp mind. It would be a waste not to use it."

A compliment. A genuine one.

I busied myself with the documents, ignoring the warmth that curled in my stomach. But before I could shift to the next matter, I felt it—him.

The space between us disappeared in a breath. Eris leaned over my shoulder, one hand bracing against the desk as he peered down at the papers with me.

His warmth seeped through the thin fabric of my dress, his scent—smoke, cedar, spice—curling around me, intoxicating. I stiffened, my fingers tightening around the quill.

"See?" His voice was softer now, smooth like velvet. "That wasn't so hard."

I swallowed, forcing my focus back to the parchment. "I assume the next set of reports won't be as easy."

His chuckle was low, deep. "Unfortunately, no."

We worked through the rest of it together, his proximity never wavering, his breath occasionally ghosting against my cheek as he murmured his thoughts. It should have been unbearable. It was unbearable. And yet, I didn't pull away.

Not even when he poured me a glass of whiskey.

I had refused at first, telling him I was technically working but he had simply raised an eyebrow and said, "I won't tell the high lord if you don't."

It burned going down, leaving warmth in its wake, emboldening me just enough to loosen the tight grip I always held on myself.

Perhaps that was why, when we finally leaned back in our chairs, the tension of duty momentarily relieved, I dared to meet his gaze with something close to ease.

"You're a better High Lord than I expected," I admitted, surprising myself with the honesty.

He turned his glass between his fingers, watching me over the rim. "High praise, coming from you."

I rolled my eyes, but the smallest of smiles played at my lips. "Don't let it go to your head."

"Too late," he quipped, grinning.

I shook my head, but I wasn't fast enough to hide the way my lips twitched in amusement.

Eris noticed. Of course, he did. And he leaned in slightly, eyes gleaming. "Careful, fawn. Keep looking at me like that, and I'll think you actually enjoy my company."

I should have ignored the remark. Should have cut the moment short, should have reminded myself that this was Eris, that I was his courtier and nothing more.

But the whiskey hummed in my blood, and I found myself tilting my chin up slightly, arching a brow.

"Who said I don't?"

His gaze darkened, a flicker of something wicked dancing in those golden eyes.

The air between us tightened, the tension shifting into something heavier, something dangerous.

And for the first time, I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to run from it.

The room was suffocating with heat—not just from the fire, but from him. From the way he looked at me, like he could see through every carefully placed wall I had built around myself.

I should have left. Should have bowed my head, murmured a polite good night, and returned to the servantry quarters where I belonged.

But I didn't.

Instead, I stayed, rooted in place, watching the way Eris's eyes flickered between my lips and my eyes. The tension stretched unbearably tight, wound so thin that one more word, one more breath, would surely snap it.

And then it did.

One moment, we were speaking, our words slow and softened by whiskey. The next—I was in his arms, and his mouth was on mine.

It was a collision, a wildfire consuming everything in its path.

His lips were searing, his hands gripping my waist as if he couldn't bear to let go, pulling me flush against him. I gasped into the kiss, and he took full advantage, deepening it, his tongue sweeping over mine in a way that made my knees threaten to buckle.

He groaned, low and guttural, and something inside me snapped.

I met his fervor with my own, fingers tangling in his hair, feeling the silk of it between my fingertips as he backed me into the desk. The papers we had worked so hard on crumpled beneath us, utterly forgotten.

He exhaled a quiet curse against my lips as his hands gripped my hips tighter, and I—I didn't stop him. I arched into him, into the warmth, the danger of it.

And then—it happened.

A tether snapped into place.

Invisible, undeniable, unyielding.

My entire body locked up as a force stronger than anything I had ever known latched onto my very soul. The bond—a mating bond—solidified between us like molten steel cooling into iron, a force so absolute it stole the air from my lungs.

No, no, no.

I stumbled back so fast I nearly tripped over my own feet, my hand flying to my lips as if I could erase what had just happened.

Eris reached for me, eyes wide, something dangerously close to awe written across his sharp features. "Wait—"

But I didn't.

I turned and ran.

I ignored the way his voice followed me, calling my name, ignored the way my heart thundered in my chest, the way my mind screamed at me that this was impossible, that it couldn't be real, that it shouldn't be real.

Because if it was—if it was real—then it meant I was bound to him. To him.

Not just the male who had been slipping under my skin, infiltrating the cold emptiness I had built to protect myself. But Beron's son. Beron's heir. A Vanserra. A High Lord.

By the time I reached the servantry quarters, my breaths were ragged, my hands shaking as I shoved my door closed behind me, locking it with trembling fingers.

I pressed my back against the wood, squeezing my eyes shut.

This couldn't be happening. It was a mistake. A trick. A cruel, cruel joke.

I was nothing.

A courtier, a servant.

I did not get to have mates.

And certainly not him.

I curled onto my cot, my hands gripping the fabric of my dress as if I could anchor myself back to reality. I forced my breathing to slow, willed myself to forget the feeling of his lips, the taste of whiskey on his tongue, the way his hands had fit so perfectly against my waist.

I did not sleep that night.

I had been avoiding him.

Days had passed, and I hadn't stepped foot in his study again. I hadn't so much as looked in his direction, even as the court whispered about me, about us, about the undeniable scent of a bond snapping into place.

They all knew.

I could feel their stares, the pity in some, the amusement in others. I knew what they thought—that it was only a matter of time before I bent, before I folded myself into the neat little role fate had carved out for me at Eris's side.

I refused.

I stayed tucked away, keeping to my duties, bowing as I always had when in his presence, keeping my head low, silent. I had done it for years under Beron. I could do it again.

Or at least, I thought I could.

The bond had other plans.

It had been clawing at me, a sick, twisting thing in my chest, gnawing at my ribs every time I kept my distance. The more I ignored it, the worse it became, a restless, aching pressure that built until my hands trembled with the need to do something—run to him, scream, sob. I didn't know which.

I was too caught up in my own mind, too focused on fighting the invisible thread tethering me to him, that I didn't notice the male approaching me until it was too late.

"You've been rather elusive, haven't you?"

I turned sharply, expecting him, expecting Eris—

But it wasn't him.

It was Kyden.

My stomach twisted.

Kyden Vanserra had always taken the most after Beron compared to the rest of his brothers, cruel for the sake of cruelty, sneering down at those he deemed beneath him. Which unfortunately included me.

His smirk was slow, predatory. "I almost mistook you for one of the nobility, standing there all stiff and proper. But then I remembered—you're just a servant, aren't you?"

I forced my body not to react, not to let the memories claw their way up my throat. He had that same look in his tawny eyes that Beron always had on one of the particularly hard days.

Kyden stepped closer, voice a lazy drawl. "And yet, despite your lowly position, you managed to ensnare a High Lord." His lips curled, eyes gleaming with something dark. "Or rather, the bond did. Funny, isn't it? How fate makes fools of us all."

I kept my chin high, my hands at my sides. I would not cower.

He leaned in, his breath brushing against my ear. "You reek of him."

I flinched. Kyden chuckled. "It's amusing, really. Eris, of all people, shackled to someone like you." His gaze flickered over me, assessing, and I knew that look—I had seen it before, a lifetime ago, picking apart my worth, deciding how best to use me.

"What do you think he'll do?" Kyden mused. "Surely, you don't believe he'll actually keep you. A High Lord's mate should be powerful, worthy." He tutted. "You are neither."

The words hit their mark, sinking into my skin like tiny blades, because deep down I knew he was right. This is why I've been avoiding Eris, avoiding having that confrontation that will only result in rejection and sorrow.

"I wonder," he continued, tilting his head, "how long it will take before he grows bored of you. Before he realizes you're nothing more than the same little courtier Beron used to—"

A deep, guttural snarl split the air.

And then Kyden was no longer in my space, no longer crowding me like a looming shadow.

Eris had him by the collar, dragging him back, his teeth bared in a vicious snarl beside his brother's throat.

"Say another word," Eris hissed, voice like fire crackling over dry wood, "and I will tear out your fucking tongue."

Kyden, to his credit, did not flinch. He only grinned. "Touched a nerve, did I?"

Eris's fingers tightened, the flames in the nearby sconces flaring wildly.

"Walk away, Kyden," Eris said, voice quieter now, deadlier. "I raised you better than this."

A beat of silence. Then Kyden huffed a laugh, shoving Eris off him with a roll of his shoulders.

"As you wish, brother." He turned to me, and there was something smug in his eyes, something knowing. "See you around, little courtier."

And then he was gone.

Eris exhaled harshly, running a hand through his hair before turning to me.

"Are you—"

I shook my head, stepping back. "Don't."

His jaw tensed.

I couldn't do this. Not here. Not now.

The hallway was silent except for the distant clatter of pots and the hushed murmurs of servants slipping past us, their eyes darting away the moment they caught sight of Eris. I could still feel the ghost of Kyden's words slithering over my skin, the way he had looked at me, spoken to me. But more than that—I could feel the weight of Eris's gaze, burning into me as if he were unraveling every thought in my head.

I didn't want to look at him. Didn't want to feel the way I did when he looked at me.

His amber eyes flickered with something unreadable, something heavy and tense. He hadn't moved since Kyden left, his hands clenched at his sides, as if he was still fighting the urge to chase his brother down and finish what he started.

The silence stretched, thick and suffocating. We stood nearly a yard away from each other in the servants' passages, the house was so vast that to get from place to place quicker in the manor there were secret paths to take. It was odd for the High Lord to even know about them.

I swallowed hard, then whispered, "Why are you here?"

Eris blinked, as if startled by the question. And then, with the ghost of a smirk, he drawled, "It's my house, isn't it?"

I narrowed my eyes. "You know what I mean."

More silence.

His smirk faded.

"I was looking for you," he admitted finally.

I stared at him, heart hammering against my ribs. "You could've called for me."

His expression darkened, and he took a step closer. "Would you have come?"

I said nothing.

He huffed a bitter laugh. "That's what I thought."

I clenched my hands into fists, nails biting into my palms. "It's my job, Eris," I whispered.

His jaw flexed. His fingers twitched—like he wanted to reach for me, wanted to touch me—but he didn't. Instead, he just stood there, looking more defeated than I'd ever imagined a Vanserra could.

"Can we go somewhere more private?" I asked, my voice quieter now, because we were standing a distance apart with maids and cooks scuttling silently past us, pretending they weren't listening, pretending they couldn't see the invisible string between us.

Eris studied me for a long moment, then nodded. Without another word, he turned on his heel, leading the way.

I followed.

The room he brought me to was small, tucked away in one of the unused wings of the estate. A study, maybe, or a reading room—the kind of place someone could go to disappear.

He shut the door behind me, and then we were alone.

Eris exhaled slowly, running a hand through his hair. "Are you alright?"

I let out a sharp, humorless laugh. "I don't know."

His jaw tightened. "Kyden—"

"I don't want to talk about Kyden."

He stared at me for a moment, then nodded. "Then talk to me about something else."

I let out a breath. "About what, Eris?"

He stepped closer, slow and careful, as if I were something fragile. "About why you've been avoiding me."

I scoffed. "You know why."

"I want to hear you say it."

I met his gaze, and the heat in his eyes sent a shiver down my spine. "Because this—" I gestured between us. "—isn't supposed to happen. Because you're a High Lord, and I'm a servant, and this bond—" I swallowed hard. "It's cruel."

Eris's expression was unreadable, but his fingers twitched again, and I wondered if he even realized he kept doing that—kept stopping himself from touching me. "You think the Mother is cruel?"

I hesitated. "I think fate is."

Eris exhaled through his nose, rubbing a hand over his jaw. "Do you hate it that much?"

I didn't answer.

Did I?

Hate was easy. Hate was something I understood, something I could hold onto. Hate had kept me alive under Beron's rule, had hardened me, protected me.

But this? This tether between us, this thing that hummed in my chest, that made my body ache to close the distance between us—

I didn't have a name for it. And that scared me more than anything.

Eris watched me carefully, as if searching for something in my expression. He let out another sigh and retreated, taking a seat on the small leather couch adjacent to the popping fireplace. I watched him silently, still standing by the door.

"I never wanted this either," he admitted, voice softer now. "I spent years ensuring I would never be bound to someone who could be used against me. And yet..." His lips quirked into something bitter. "Yet here we are."

My throat felt tight. "Do you hate it?"

His amber eyes burned. "No."

The breath I took was unsteady.

"You never answered?" he looked up at me.

I opened my mouth. Closed it. Shook my head. "I don't know."

Eris nodded once, as if that answer was enough.

Silence stretched between us again.

Finally, he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "You don't have to accept it," he said. "Not now. Not ever, if that's what you choose." He met my gaze, something like resignation flickering in his eyes. "But I won't apologize for it."

He wanted to keep it? Wanted me to accept it?

I swallowed against the lump in my throat.

He tilted his head, considering me. "So what now?"

I shook my head. "I don't know."

A slow, knowing smirk curved his lips. "That's twice now."

I scowled. "Shut up."

He chuckled. "I suppose I should be grateful I got anything out of you at all."

I rolled my eyes, but there was no bite to it.

Eris studied me again, quieter this time. "I meant what I said," he murmured. "I was looking for you."

I looked away. "I know."

Silence settled between us again, but it was different now. Less suffocating.

More dangerous.

Because I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep pretending I didn't want him to find me. I approached his side quietly and sat.

The leather couch was cool against my skin as I sank into it beside him, the silence between us thick with unspoken words. The bond thrummed like a second heartbeat, relentless and inescapable.

The son of the man I loathed most in this world was the one I was expected to love beyond reason.

Fate was a sick, twisted thing.

I sighed, tired of thinking, tired of fighting, tired of everything. Slowly, hesitantly, I tilted my head, letting it rest against his shoulder. His body stiffened for a fraction of a second before he relaxed, exhaling a breath I might've imagined.

It was enough for now.

"I'm High Lord," he said after a beat.

"Painfully aware," I murmured.

"Meaning—there are rules of the Autumn Court that I can... simply get rid of."

I huffed a soft, tired laugh. "You're a lord, not a king."

"Mm, true," he mused, tilting his head back against the couch, "but if Rhysand can bend the rules to marry his mate, so can I."

I hesitated. "His court is much more pliable. Autumn is notorious for its... old-fashioned ways."

"Well, the Autumn Court has a new High Lord." His voice was steady, sure. "Let's just hope I'm changing it for the better."

I smiled faintly, my eyes fluttering shut. "You are, 'Ris."

The name slipped out before I could think better of it, before I could remind myself that familiarity with him was dangerous.

His body went still beneath me.

Then, slowly, deliberately, he looked down at me, amber eyes burning with something I couldn't name.

We stared at each other for a long moment, really seeing each other.

And then, quietly, almost reverently, he murmured, "I'm going to kiss you now."

I nodded.

And then he did.

His lips pressed against mine, slow and deep, as if we had all the time in the world. As if the bond wasn't something to be feared but something to be savored. His hand lifted to my jaw, his thumb brushing over my cheekbone before sliding into my hair, tilting my face up, pressing deeper.

I sighed into him, gripping the front of his tunic as the bond pulsed between us, as the warmth of his body and the scent of campfire and rainy mornings wrapped around me like something familiar, something I could fall into.

It should have scared me.

But all I could do was kiss him back.

Eris pulled away just enough to rest his forehead against mine, his breath warm against my lips. My heart pounded, my thoughts a chaotic mess, but the bond hummed in quiet contentment—as if it had known all along that this was inevitable.

His fingers stayed tangled in my hair, his other hand still cupping my jaw, holding me there, keeping me grounded. "We'll figure this out," he murmured, voice low, steady. Sure.

I let out a slow breath, my hands still fisted in his tunic. "You make it sound so simple."

"It doesn't have to be complicated."

I swallowed hard, my mind already spinning with the realities of what this meant, what it could mean. But as I looked at him, at the quiet determination in his gaze, at the warmth that had nothing to do with the firelight flickering around us, I found myself wanting—just for a moment—to believe him.

So I nodded, just barely.

His lips brushed my temple, lingering there for a heartbeat before he leaned back, his hand finally slipping from my hair. "One step at a time, my dear."

I exhaled, my pulse still thrumming in my throat, and echoed, "One step at a time."

And maybe, just maybe, we'd find our way through this. Together.

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[mcflymemes]

AS SAID BY ASTARION ANCUNÍN *  assorted dialogue from baldur's gate 3

you are mine. no one can change that.

i wish... to drink. and be drunk.

you haven't earned the right to stare at me like that.

you could scream bloody murder out here and no one would ever know.

we should find a tavern and celebrate.

do my eyes deceive me? the gang really is all here.

i'd rather be the only dark power inside your body, if it's all the same to you.

you're cute, you know. in another life we might have been friends.

i don't hate you. because this is not you.

we just have to be vigilant. keep our wits about us.

you can try, but i will stop you.

do what you like. it's none of my concern.

i simply do not care.

we could do it, you know. we could rule the world.

i... i don't know what to say. thank you.

well that's just disgusting.

listen to me, damn it! i'm trying to save you, even if you're too stupid to see it.

believe what you want. i'm done with you.

you have no idea what i can do.

sounds like a delightful dinner plan. perhaps i'll join you.

forgiveness? you've never forgiven anything.

i don't need anyone to speak for me.

i don't owe you a damn thing.

don't worry. i'll keep watch tonight.

just don't ask me again.

is there anything else? any new and interesting ways you can waste my time?

i'll come to you tonight, when you're snugly wrapped in your bedroll and we can have a little privacy.

this time i'll make sure i'm quiet.

you're lucky i'm such an open-minded person.

why send anyone after me? i'm hardly a threat out here.

what are you waiting for? help me!

"you can do whatever you want" sounds terrifying, and it is, but there's opportunity in it, too.

i am so much more than what you made me.

hold very, very still.

i'm sorry, but could you excuse us a moment?

get out of my way. i'm in no mood to talk.

you didn't think i could do it? i'm hurt.

i appreciate your loyalty, darling, but i don't think you understand.

fair? nothing about this is fair.

i don't know who they are, but i have plenty of questions.

i'm glad to hear it.

i do believe you. i know you only did what you thought was best for me.

i just need some time to let it sink in.

you're so good to me.

safe? how can i ever be safe now?

well, hello. looking for a cuddle?

now that you're back with us, we need to have a talk.

how flattering. and disturbing.

please tell me this is important.

there's also gold, sex, revenge... quite the list, really. but failing any of those, i will always settle for shallow praise.

now just tell me i'm beautiful and we can call it a day.

i want to thank you.

you're a vision. and you're so much more than that.

this is all a game to you, isn't it?

for as long as i can remember, i've been used by others.

of course i was attracted to you. look at you, for goodness' sake!

i will forever remember what you did for me today.

that's what you've been waiting to hear, isn't it? that's what you want?

i have been waiting so long for you.

come, give yourself to me.

i'll take care of everything.

it's time to try living again.

i feel safe with you. seen.

we don't have to rush into anything tonight.

would it kill you to dispense a compliment?

looking for something?

honestly, you have no sense of fun.

i do appreciate your enthusiasm, but let's try to restrain ourselves a little.

would you like a tour? we can start with my tent, if you like.

everything was taken from me, too.

well, that could have gone better.

i don't know what you mean.

were you actually worried i was angry?

so what was it like? tell me everything.

i hope i'm not interrupting.

some day that soft heart of yours is going to be torn out of your chest.

what a party. we should do this again.

there you are. i've been waiting. waiting since the moment i set eyes on you. waiting to have you.

you've seen enough already.

i didn't want to lose control.

oh, don't be like that. not every problem has to be beaten to death, my dear.

wait! don't interrupt them!

let's not make trouble for some stranger.

my, this place is fun.

my past isn't exactly a happy story.

that was amazing.

it won't happen again. you have my word.

so many people need killing.

remember who saved you.

don't worry. i'm here.

[rebelssvy]

roommates ✧.*

ushijima x reader ੈ✩‧₊˚

⋆·˚ ༘ *

summary: ushi is your roommate and saw your phone with porn on it. creating an interesting relationship with you two. sex, smut, porn

i added twt links bc why not just to make it juicer lol

the worst thing to ever possibly happen, happened. while getting some cereal at one a.m, you had been scrolling on your own personally private twitter account. do you have porn on there? yes. do you actually watch it? yes. did you mean to leave it open on the counter top? no. not at all.

so to your horror as you ran to the pantry for some more cereal, you came back to the kitchen to find your your roomate, ushijima, standing right above your phone.

the action of him ease dropping isn’t what got you, he often snoops around your shared apartment. it was the audio you heard coming from it that made you jump out of your skin.

in the dead quiet of your dimly litted apartment, the audio of a girl getting absolutely railed by a man echoed.

“oh my god!” you scrambled, running over to your phone you shut it off. then threw it across the room it landing on the couch.

your hands instantly found your face, everything was burning up. ushi was normally a kind of awkward guy. not ever really saying much and when he did, it was always just kind of awkward.

did this stop you from having a crush on him? of course not. how could it? he was fucking huge. his muscles could make you pop from a hug. and he was also caring. even if he stuggled showing it. so you had no idea how he was about to handle this.

“you don’t have to be embarrassed y/n.” his voice prodded through the silence. it was deep, hushed. it wasn’t until a hand found your back that you looked up to him.

“i’m so so so sorry ushi!” you said turning to face him, putting your hands on his chest and burrying your head into his pecks. being touchy with him wasn’t abnormal. he just never really reciprocated it. that didn’t bother you.

“i’m… i’m just gonna go to bed.” you said before leaving your cereal on the counter, grabbing your phone and walking away.

that night you slept in horror. praying that he wouldn’t move out because of the action.

that night ushijima was more sexually frustrated then he had ever been.

✧.*

the next day when you two were at dinner, he brought up the situation from last night.

“god.. you don’t have to try to make me feel better. just forget about it.” you stood shaking your head. you two were out at a random restaurant about to leave when he asked you about it. you really wished he could just forget.

“you know y/n.. everyone watches porn.” he said it casually. tone unwavering. your eyes darted to his, attempting to read his emotions. to which you were met with a straight face.

the rest of the night you kept thinking about what that meant. does the ushijima wakatoshi watch porn? no way. i mean… there is no way right? in your head he could never be tempted. he’s too idk. perfect.

those words haunted you until you got home. every moment of silence between you lead back to the mental image you created.

finally walking through the door you decided to bring it up with him. you just didn’t know how.

he waked to his bedroom as you made you way to the kitchen for a drink. “hey ushi..?” you called out. he only responded when he walked back in with a changed, more casual outfit.

“yes y/n?” he replied finding a spot on your shared couch. instantly stretching he made himself comfortable as he flexed his biceps ever so subtlety. your eyes wandered to wear his shirt poked up. a flips of his happy trail peaked out. “do you have a question?” he said. your eyes snapped back to his face. you only nodded in reply.

going and sitting down next to him, sitting cris cross legged. as he faced forward his head turned to you. you were close, but not as close as you wished you were. so you opted to scoot closer to him. one of your knees now touching his thigh.

“earlier, i just can’t get it out of my mind… you said yk ‘everyone watches porn.’… and i was just wondering if like.. excuse me if im over stepping here but, if you watched.. porn?” your skin felt hot. like you were burning up. after you said it you wished you could take it back.

there was a long pause, and you swore you died and came back to life. just as you were about to excuse yourself to suffer an eternity of embarrassment, he responded.

“yes i watch porn.”

it was the answer you had longed for. craved and yearned. but now what? you asked him.. now what do you do?

“okay…” you said, hesitant. “i’m sorry. i don’t know what to say i’m so embarrassed oh my g-“ he stopped you mid sentence. cutting you off to say,

“want to see what i watch?” his tone was so casual that he never seemed more comfortable to talk to you. you couldn’t give him a verbal yes, so you shook your head yes instead.

you gasped as he moved his arm closer to you, only to grab his phone your thigh had been covering up. you watched intently, all nerves stood on end as he traveled to his notes app. you watched as he unlocked a hidden folder that revealed several links and notes under them. this was so ushijima. you thought to yourself.

“can i?” you asked while scooting closer to him. he flushed and shook his head yes. you scrolled through tens of links and notes beneath them like, ‘threesome two boys one girl.’ or ‘good creampie.’ it wasn’t out of the ordinary until one really caught your eye. it was a link, then labeled. ‘y/n.’ you gasped reading your name. then he caught on right away. obviously embarrassed he shut his phone off and didn’t say anything.

curiosity struck at your bones. what was that video? what did it have my name on it?

“can i.. can we maybe watch some of them..?” you leaned into him now bringing the phone back up to seversace level and unlocking it. he never said no. he shook his head yes before saying.

“let me explain-“ you cut him off, pressing a finger to his mouth before saying. “we will save that one for last how bout that…” you were now flirting with him. and he could tell. he shook his head yes once again as you scrolled through all the different links.

finally clicking on one you watched it with him side by side. you watched as a boyfriend penetrated his smaller girlfriend with his huge cock. you felt ushijima squirm next to you, obviously uncomfortable.

“fuck…” you said without realizing. your head whipped to his but he was already looking at you. and god.. he was so handsome. his lips parted slightly, glossed from his own saliva

“can i please kiss you?” he asked while dropping his hand and now holding your face. before giving him an answer you brought your face to his with passion. kissing him so intently. your lips molded around each others. it was hot. it was almost too much to handle. a line of saliva connected the two of you as you parted.

you picked up his phone and went back to scrolling. this time his hands were all over you, touching every part of your body. brushing over it of pinching at it, he needed to feel you.

you moaned as he brought his head to your neck and slurped at all your open skin. you watched videos that he had saved, making mental notes about how the women in them are. or what he was into like, two lovers forced to be quiet or how the girl in the video spread herself open to get finger fucked.

finally you made your way to the video with your name on it. ushijima had now brought his eyes back to you, nervous of what was about to happen. in silence you clicked on it. just to find a video of a girl with your body type and look getting absolutely pounded.

“i’ve never been fucked like that before…” you admitted, breaking the silence. you looked over to him. dropping the phone now.

“fuck y/n… i’m trying really hard right now to be a gentleman but your making it hard.” he dropped his head back before bringing a hand to his hair and messing with it.

“fuck that! just fuck me please oh my god!” you squealed out, shocked that you even said it. you smacked a hand over your mouth. but it was too late. ushijima had already taken you into his arms. carrying you into his room.

“i haven’t..” he started while throwing his clothes off, and undoing yours next, “been able to get you out of my mind. i need you so bad” he admitted now laying you down on the bed.

it was all happening too quickly. and yet his pace was awfully slow for you. fully naked you stared at him. he stared back at you.

finally his fingers trailed your asshole before finding your cunt. it was soaked already, ushijima was seeing stars. “fuck your so wet..” he groaned. “can i?” he asked for your consent.

“yes! ushi~just fuck me!” you moaned as his hand cupped your soft little cunt. he stood above you, spread your legs open and pressed his middle finger into your tight little hole. taking it out to draw circles on your clit. your back arched at all of his motions. you squirmed under his touch.

“god your so fucking tight. so fucking pretty.” he groaned before putting another finger into you. pumping it in and out of you at reckless pace.

“need more… i need your cock ushi..!” you moaned out grabbing at his length. you jerked him off a couple strokes before he pulled his fingers out of you and pushed them in your mouth.

you sucked your own juices off his digits. and oh my god, ushijima had never felt hotter. he felt like he was on fire.

now on the bed with you he threw your body around into a doggy position. your ass in the air. he waited seconds just looking at you before he positioned his cock near your hole.

as his fat tip sank its way further into your sobbing cunt, the more your pussy sucked him in. half way in and he thought he was going to cum. he pushed the feeling deep down into his soul. he needed to fuck you first.

“ushijimaaa~ fuck! ah-! your so fucking bi-i-g!” and with that moan of his name, he swore he heard wedding bells.

a new fuel fired his engine, as he pounded your wet cunt from behind. your arched your back further. the sensation was too much for you. the feeling of you stretching out around his fat cock. you could feel him everywhere.

your cream gathered at the base of his cock, it made his mind go hazy. pushing your farther into the bed, he rested more of his weight on you. slamming his cock in and out of you. your noises filled the room. the way you clenched around home you knew you were close.

“fuck you like that? cmon y/n.. cum around my fucking cock.” his words sent you over the edge. shaking and spasming beneath him you cursed out moans. saying ‘fuck ushi-! god i fucking love your dick ohmygod’ it wasn’t until his pace slowed slightly that you realized that he wasn’t stopping.

“i’ve been waiting to fuck uou for months baby. cmon gimmie a nother one cmon…” you watched all his composer slip away as he pounded your overstimulated body. flipping you on your front you got pounded face to face with him. his eyebrows furrowed. he was such a sight.

you felt your second orgasm approaching. he reached down to circle your creamy clit. as soon as he touched it pleasure ripped through you. your body lurching forward. you shook with the feeling.

“imcummingfu-c! god ushi~ your cock oh my god. fuck your so fucking good ah-!” you moaned, almost screaming him praise. he came on the spot. his cock filling you up with his seed. you felt him everywhere.

“god your so perfect. oh my god fuck y/n.” he said through grunts and groans. finally he fell next to you. kissing your sweaty body.

getting cereal at one am was the best thing you’ve ever done.

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:··:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:··:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

i missed writing about him so u know i had to do it

[jedi-bird]

So, I have lived in a house where we had to hide any evidence that we lived there, a house where we hid certain things, and a house currently where I value functionality over looks. Guess which one makes me happiest and actually makes my life easier?

I also used to be a custodian (fancy word for janitor but also meant I did a lot more than clean) at a very big theme park, and the rules there were basically "people cannot know we clean". And honestly, that one I agreed with. People are stupid at theme parks. They seem to forget common sense a lot and are only focused on fun and do the weirdest shit, so cleaning up around them always made me feel like a ninja who was challenged with being faster than they were.

Trash cans were hidden in plain sight. They were enclosed in decorative cases but were also placed so you never really had to go more than 20 to 30 feet to find one. And recycling cans were always next to them. We wiped them down constantly and should swap them out occasionally to fully scrub them out (the liners were switched out much more often and fully scrubbed and cleaned). The recycling was sorted out in the back by us, wearing puncture proof gloves up to our elbows, long plastic aprons, and face shields. I laugh every time Hell's Kitchen uses recycling day as a punishment because that was a daily chore for me and I loved it. And yes, half our recycling wasn't meant to go in those cans which is why we had to do it.

Cleaning supplies are kept behind the scenes away from the public. We would bring out what we needed as needed except for heavy equipment or things with cords unless an area was closed off. Why? Because the number of times I would be trying to clean things like vomit of the floors, while other workers were blocking it off, only to have people come barging in to stand right in the mess to ask me (the one wearing multiple gloves and wiping up what was essentially a biohazard) to take their picture. Yeah. I didn't get paid enough for that.

Restrooms were cleaned in plain sight without closing them, so you learned to just quietly fit in and not make eye contact (unless you felt like a showdown, which honestly was fun with certain people). You learned to dart quickly when a stall opened and block it off with the cart. You learned to have eyes in the back of your head so that you could stop people from picking things up off your cart. We were taught the safest ways to mop (one hand always on the top of the handle as a cap, because it was better to punch someone accidentally then to jam a wooden stake in their eye).

Most people never noticed us unless we stopped doing our jobs. So please thank you janitors because you'd be miserable without them.

That being said, at home I operate very differently. There is a small trash can in every room. Sometimes two. Each one of open and next to where my partner works or sits (I keep one next to me when I craft a well but that one moves around a bit). I wish I had room for a bigger one in the bathroom, but I don't so I just have to change it more often.

Cleaning supplies get stored by use. Daily items like paper towels, sanitizing wipes, and other frequently used items (depends on the room) are kept close at hand. In the bathroom, that's on a narrow shelf along the wall; kitchen is between the stove and the table in front of a cabinet; living room next to the front door. Supplies for deep cleaning are kept slightly out of sight. Not because I don't want people to know we live here but for safety reasons. Being raised by my grandparents, I'm very big on keeping walkways clear and surfaces to steady yourself with. So those are organized into carrying baskets by type of clean up and kept in the upstairs cabinet for the upstairs and on a shelf at the back of the kitchen for downstairs. Brooms and mops are hung on hooks from the walls behind the back door downstairs and in the cabinet upstairs (yes, I have double the supplies, because I'm more likely to clean if I don't have to keep going back and forth for things). There is a recycling can on each floor because it's easier and I refuse to sort trash here.

There is a sort of table near the front door for partner's things because they need them to be visible, and all their snacks and frequently used items are organized by use in open shelving. Our house in messy and that's okay; I'm in the process of making it an organized mess that we both can live with. But yeah, you know we live here and keep it functional. It's not revolutionary to keep trash cans in the open or bowls on tables for keys or tables by doors. It's just one person's version of normal and helpful. Honesty, just play around with storage ideas and see what works best for you in terms of use and happiness (and don't think you need to spend a lot of money, most of my things are repurposed in the beginning while I test things and sometimes never change).

On one hand, it's great to see people learn how to unfuck their living spaces. On the other hand, that stuff like "frequently used articles should be stored near where they're used" and "trash receptacles should be placed near activities that generate trash" are being received as radical ideas points to a serious knowledge transmission problem.

[blurry-lock]

SECRET ADMIRER

Another Valentine’s special fic with Shidou!!

Plot: Shidou is your secret admirer! but you don't seem to notice it...

What you need to know: high school au, gn reader, reader is clueless, fluff, slightly suggestive at the end and i think that’s it!

Wrd count: 1.6k

This was the 10th time you opened your locker and found a pink envelope with a letter inside accompanied by some heart-shaped chocolates. You’ve been receiving this mysterious and anonymous letters from what he called himself 'the love of your life' you didn’t have any clue who it was, it was getting you very curious and somewhat frustrated.

“Another one y/n?” Your best friend, Isagi said as he tilted his head and took a look at the letter in your hands.

You sighed and read the letter, it said something about he wishes you success in the upcoming exams and how he ‘didn’t care’ about a simple grade but he wished you a good grade anyway and how it was cute seeing you so clueless about his identity. “This guy is really something…”

Even though you were frustrated that you didn’t know his identity, you liked all those letters, they were very beautifully decorated with a lot of pink and they made you blush every time.

As you arrived to class and sat down, you started eating some of the chocolates your secret lover gave you.

“Oh? Who gave you those? Can i have one?” Your seatmate, Shidou Ryusei, an intimidating but interesting guy who you sometimes talk to, asked with his typical teasing smirk.

“No you can’t, someone special gave them to me…” You brought another chocolate to your mouth already starting to blush from your own words and how Shidou looked at you as his grin widened.

“Special? Didn’t know you had a significant other” Shidou was having so much fun with this, you were absolutely clueless about how he was the anonymous person sending gifts to you.

Why he did this? It wasn’t even because he was scared you wouldn’t like him back or too shy to tell you, no. His reasons were simple, he just like the thrill of it, he wanted to see how long this would last, he was hella confident you will like him, he is just feeling a bit silly and he didn't care how obvious he was being, yet you didn’t catch on his clues.

“I have a secret admirer…” you whispered to him, looking around if anyone heard that. “I hate this secret guy… but i really love him too, it's so frustrating.” You leaned on your seat and covered your face, letting out a frustrated groan.

You’re so blind… and cute Shidou thought, chuckling at your frustrations. “What if he never tells you who he is?” Isagi who sat in front you turned to look at you, slightly worried.

“No matter what it takes i’ll find him.” You nodded with a determined look, Shidou just staring fondly at you. Your mind so occupied about this you didn’t even notice how he looked at you. Isagi did notice, but choose to not say a word, chuckling to himself and turning back again wondering what Shidou was up to.

Before you returned home from your classes you decided to leave a note inside your locker, hoping your secret admirer once again left something there and noticed your note. The note was simple “how do you open my locker every time without a key? Can you even give me a clue about your identity?”

The next day you even got early to school, almost opening your locker with urge only to see he did write something and left more chocolates for you.

“I know a lot of things sweetheart and for the clue, figure it out yourself ;)” you stared at his words, written with the bright pink gel pen he always used and sighed at his answer, expecting something more, you took a glance at the hallway when you caught Shidou staring at you with his signature grin, he waved slightly before he walked away.

You turn away immediately and blushed, could it be...? You shook your head and leaned against your locker. He can’t be, an intimidating troublemaker like him writing a love letter? Definitely wasn’t him, it was just a coincidence he was staring at you or that’s what you said to yourself.

This time you tried something different, you pretended to leave and hid on some bushes near the school entrance, where you had a slight clear view of the lockers. As you were squatting, trying to look at the lockers you suddenly felt a presence behind you.

“What are you doing?” A familiar voice called you from behind, causing you to slightly flinch as you stood up rapidly.

“S-shidou?! Me? I’m just sitting by the grass you know…” you said nervously as you felt your cheeks starting to get hot and red. “What are you doing here?” You raised your eyebrow suspiciously at him.

“I just finished soccer practice and saw you hiding in the bushes.” Shidou chuckled and tilted his head, playing dumb. “Are you waiting for something? Or perhaps… someone?” He smirked, teasing you.

“Ah, i see…” you looked away embarrassed, yeah he wasn’t your secret admirer, all of this was just some weird coincidences, right? “I’m leaving now…”

You left, defeated in your attempt to know this guy’s identity. You decided to bake some mini cupcakes for him since he always gifted you chocolates, as you arrived the next day at school you entered the classroom and left the cupcakes on your desk, suddenly you noticed you left something in your locker and went to get it leaving the cupcakes there.

When you returned you saw Shidou eating one of the cupcakes, you widened your eyes and walked up to him. “Those are not yours! Why did you grab one?” You crossed your arms, glaring at him.

“It said it was for your secret admirer” he smirked and shrugged, finishing one of the cupcakes.

“Yeah, my secret admirer not Shidou Ryusei!” You huffed and sat in your place, slightly frustrated that Shidou ate one of the cupcakes, but somehow you couldn’t stay mad at him.

Shidou just chuckled and shook his head, finding it cute and amusing the fact you didn’t catch his words. Isagi who was already sitting on his place and heard the conversation just face palmed and shook his head, now it was clear as water, he had his suspicions about Shidou and this confirmed it, god how is my friend so stupid please help he thought.

“Was it good at least?” You sighed, looking around Shidou with a slight pout on your lips.

“Very~” He smirked and leaned closer to you, so close you could feel his breath fanning your face. “You should make some more for me.”

You blushed and were about to say something when you were interrupted by the teacher arriving to class, he reluctantly pulled away and gave you a wink before turning his head to the board. Your heart almost coming out of your chest from the sudden closeness, but the weird thing was you weren’t bothered by it; you were confused as you were thorn between your secret admirer and Shidou, it was stupid to you since you didn’t even know the mysterious guy.

As your mind wondered you glanced at Shidou, noticing he was writing what it seemed like…. Notes? Okay that’s weird, he never does that and he is writing with a PINK PEN?! That’s too many coincidences now.

“See something you like?” Shidou teased as he noticed you were glancing at him which you quickly looked away and pretended to write notes. This time you decided to do something risky, something slightly wrong.

You waited until lunch were everyone left the classroom and when you were sure no one was around you took a look at Shidou’s backpack, hoping to find a clue or something that confirmed to you he was the one sending you all those letters. As you were checking his backpack you hear the door of the classroom opening, you froze and your hands started to sweat.

You turned around slowly and saw Shidou standing there, expressionless while he was holding a pink envelope. “S-shidou I… it’s not how it looks let me explain!” You stuttered and looked at him with fear as he walked closer to you, still expressionless.

He walked dangerously close to you and suddenly grabbed your waist, slightly lifting you and sitting you in his desk. He stood between your legs, gripping your waist tightly and keeping you in place. Your brain malfunctioned at the sudden position you were now in, your face burned and you swore you felt your ears numbing and your vision becoming blurry.

“Searching in someone’s backpack is wrong, ya know?” He smirked as his lips almost brushed against yours.

“I know I-“ you didn’t have an excuse this time, so you just let out a shaky sigh. “I’m sorry Shidou, i just…”

“Wanted to know if I was your secret admirer?” He tilted his head and chuckled slightly. “Asking me wasn’t an option then?”

You chuckled nervously realizing how stupid you were. “Y-yeah… I guess I didn’t think of that…”

“You’re such a dork…” he flicked your forehead and gently grabbed your jaw, caressing your chin with his thumb. “And here I thought I was being very obvious.”

You widened your eyes at his words, recalling the interactions you had with him, all his flirty and pretty obvious comments, how were you so stupid? The realization hit you as you looked at him embarrassed.

“Did I surprise you? Expecting someone else?” He teased, still holding your jaw as his other hand drew circles on your hip.

“I think all this time I wished it was you…” You confessed shyly, making his grin widen.

“Well, now that my secret is out” he placed his hands on your thighs and pulled you closer to him. “I’m all yours~” he leaned closer, his lips almost on top of yours, he was so close to kissing you.

“y/n are you he- Oh.” Isagi who just entered the classroom froze and chuckled nervously. “I-i’m sorry, I’ll talk to you later” He smiled and gave you a thumbs up before leaving the classroom.

Shidou chuckled at your embarrassed face, removing a strand of hair from your face. “So… where were we?”

Another Valentine’s day special, hope you like it!! English is not my first language sorry for any mistakes

Any requests or ideas are appreciated and welcomed <3

[toonice113]

False god  ᥫ᭡  M.Barzal

Part two of three of my valentine's series

Part one: Paper rings - Q. Hughes

Part three: Lover - N.Hischier

Pairings: Mathew Barzal x fem!reader 

Genre: smut

Summary: your relationship has ever only existed for a few days at a time inside of the bedroom, that has never been a problem, but today? Today Mat has decided he doesn't want you to leave so soon.

Warnings: smut under the cut minors DO NOT INTERACT, p in v, unprotected sex (pls don’t do this, take care of yourselves), overstimulation, my first time writing smut

Word count: 1.6k

⋆˚࿔ tina's note 𝜗𝜚˚ Writing this note before i write the story to let yall know i have never written smut before so i apologize in advance. Update after writing it, this sucks i cringed at myself and im never writing smut again but oh well i had to at least try it once

When you had started this ‘relationship’ with Mat you knew it was not a conventional one. It began when you met in Italy at a family friend’s wedding you attended, Mat was there as a friend of the groom and things had escalated quickly, first with a drunken makeout session the night before the wedding and then with you two naked in bed after the wedding reception was over. One night became three and then you changed your flight back home to stay with him for a couple more days, days that were spent in between the sheets of his bed, hidden away in his hotel room instead of exploring the beautiful little town you were staying at.

Returning home you had expected the short escapade with Mat to dissolve and become nothing more than a memory, but flirty texts turned into facetime calls into Mat flying you to New York to see him, just like in Italy, your time was mainly spent naked under sheets savoring each other. It had been around a year now, and today you sat in his bed covered only by the white sheets while he stood by the window staring out to the city. “Why can’t you just change your flight?” He argued, his hair messy, his eyes not meeting yours 

“Because it’s my friend’s birthday and I would like to spend it with him” You said frowning, when you mentioned having to leave this afternoon while eating breakfast in bed you hadn’t expected Mat’s reaction to be this but as soon as you told him there was no way you were changing your flight to another day his mood soured

“Doesn’t he have other friends?” He scowled “Why does he need you to be there?” 

“He doesn’t need me to be there, I want to be there. You’re not listening to me right now” You fought back “Why do YOU need me to be here?” 

“Because I do” His response made you snort a laugh making him even more annoyed 

“Please, like there’s not other girls out there that could keep you entertained when I’m not around” He finally turns to look at you “People talk, I know what you get up to when I’m not here Mat” 

He walks towards you, his tall frame looming over you, he can’t help but think about how pretty you look down there and how much he wished your pretty lips were wrapped around his cock right now “Maybe I don’t want any of those other girls” he bends down and gives you a rough kiss, his hands tangling in your hair as he does “And maybe you should put that pretty mouth to work on something other than fighting me” 

Your hands slip through his exposed abs to the waistband of his sweatpants playing with it “‘M not the one fighting” You push the pants down before running one of your hands over the erection in his boxers looking up through your lashes at him “Because there’s no fight, I’m leaving later” not giving him a chance to say anything you finally relieve him of his underwear licking a stripe up his hard dick making him hiss and push you for more 

“Stop talking” He guides your lips to his tip and moans loudly when you put him in your mouth, using your hands to help you stroke what you can’t take “Yeah, just like that, look at you” You moan as a response to him pulling your hair “Bet birthday boy can’t give you this huh” One of his hands lets go of your hair, manhandling you until you’re on your fours, with the sheets no longer covering you his fingers slide down your pussy “So wet baby”

“Mat” You sigh out “Please, no teasing” 

“What do you want baby? Tell me” He teases brushing his fingers through your wet folds putting no pressure to alleviate your needs

“Your fingers, please” You plead, he pushes his cock back into your mouth and finally touches you the way he knows you like 

“Yeah? You wanna come on my fingers?” One of his fingers pushes inside of you making you moan, the vibrations feeling so good on his dick that he can’t help but moan with you “You’re doing so good pretty girl, just like that” he hums when you swirl your tongue around him pushing another finger inside of you and rubbing your clit with his thumb “You can take more than that though” His hand that is still tangled in your hair pushes your head down, you fight him pulling up “No, you can take it baby, I know you can take it” He can feel you pulsing on his fingers making him pick up his pace, your moans drowned by his dick in your mouth “Take it all and i’ll make you come” You shake your head as best as you can to tell him you can’t “No? Okay then” He pulls his fingers out of you making you whine at the loss of contact “You know what to do baby”

“You’re an asshole” You tell him coming up for air before taking him back in your mouth, Mat just chuckles knowing he’s about to get what he wants, relaxing your throat you do down, taking him deeper until you have taken him all 

“Oh yeah” Mat moans “See? I knew you could do it”  After making you come once with his fingers, Mat pushes you down until your back is on the mattress, he wipes your chin off and kisses you harshly before trailing a kiss down your chest until he’s by your hips kissing you there a couple times before his tongue finds your clit, alternating between sucking on it and kissing it

“Mmm Mat” You gasp, your hips pushing up but he holds them in place “Too much, can’t” 

He looks up at you, your hair messily sprung on his pillows, your cheeks flushed, your lips swollen “You taste too good, can’t stop baby, let me eat you out, please, you can take it, give me another one” Your nod is all he needs to go back to devouring you, using his fingers to help him and it doesn’t take long for your to release all over him, your overstimulation speeding up your orgasm

He comes back up with a smile on his face, his lips and chin glistering with your juices “God you’re too good” You tell him pulling him down into a kiss

“And we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet” He says reminding you of the erection that pokes at your stomach, he gives himself a few strokes before teasing your overstimulated pussy making you whine 

“I don’t think I can take another one” You tell him making his smile widen in cockiness, he knows you can come for him again, he’s tested you before 

“I need to remind you that I can give you a better time than whatever his name is can” His dick presses on your opening and even though you’re exhausted your body seems to disagree with you, your hips pushing up looking for more “Just one more and we can rest” 

The moan you let out when he burries himself deep into you has to be his new favorite sound, every time he’s with you he thinks there’s no way things can get better, but they do, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over how your body reacts to him, how your eyes roll back and your mouth parts, the sounds you make for him, and most importantly, the way your pussy feels so tight around his dick, his hands trail every curve of your body, taking his time especially with your tits as he pumps in and out, pinching your nipples before taking one in his mouth 

“Mat” You whine “‘M close, so close oh god” 

Mat moves to give your other nipple some attention never once interrupting the rhythm of his hips that clap against yours, you come not too long after, your legs curling around his middle, your orgasm triggers his and he finally releases your nipple to give you a kiss before sliding off of you making you hiss in discomfort as he does “Still wanna leave?” he asks laying next to you 

You scoff at him trying to get out of bed to go to the bathroom and clean yourself, but just sitting down is too much work, your body already beginning to ache not only from the three orgasms he gave you just now, but from the ones you shared last night as well, not wanting to show him how spent he’s left you you ignore your body moving to get up, but your legs tremble the second your feet touch the floor, and you know if you stand right now you’ll resemble baby bambi 

“What’s the matter baby, thinking about staying?” Mat laughs behind you getting up and putting his boxers on before walking into his bathroom leaving you sitting there staring at him in annoyance, he doesn’t take too long and when he comes back he has a warm towel in his hands, kneeling down in front of you and cleaning you, then picking you up bridal style and taking you with him to the bathroom sitting you in the toilet so you can pee 

“I’m still leaving” You point at him “Just maybe not tonight” You see his cocky smile thinking he’s won, and technically he has, but not for long because as soon as you’re back in bed, with clean underwear and one of his t-shirts covering you, you change your flight from this afternoon to tomorrow morning

[oldsoul007]

kiss me

grumpy!joel miller x reader

summary: Joel despises the superficiality of Valentine’s Day, and you, a hopeless romantic who adores love in all its forms, find your friendship tested when you spend Valentine’s week together as single friends, only to discover unexpected feelings that blur the line between friendship and love.

a/n: a little valentine story for yall 💞

joel miller masterlist

Valentine’s week was my favorite time of year. Everything felt lighter, softer—like the world was wrapped in a warm, pink haze. Even if most people thought it was cheesy, I loved it. Love letters, heart-shaped candies, couples holding hands—it made me believe that love, real love, was still out there.

Joel Miller didn’t share that belief.

“Don’t even start,” Joel grumbled the moment he picked up my call, his deep, tired voice crackling through the phone.

I grinned, curling up on my couch with a cup of coffee. “Start what?” I teased, already picturing the irritated look on his face. “I was just calling to check on my favorite Valentine’s Grinch.”

He let out a long sigh, and I bit back a laugh.

“What do you want, y/n?”

“Well,” I drew out the word, knowing exactly how much he’d hate what I was about to say. “We’re both single this year. Why don’t we spend Valentine’s week together?”

There was a beat of silence. I imagined him blinking in disbelief.

“You’re joking.”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” I insisted. “Movies, takeout, no pressure. And who knows? Maybe I’ll even convince you that love isn’t as terrible as you think it is.”

“Not happening,” he muttered, but I heard the faintest smile in his voice.

“Is that a yes?” I pressed, holding my breath.

Another long sigh, then—“Fine. But don’t expect me to wear anything pink.”

I laughed, my heart fluttering. “Deal.”

The next few days felt like walking a tightrope.

We spent almost every moment together, but never crossed the line. We did all the things couples do—late-night drives with music humming softly in the background, sharing breakfasts at the little diner on Main Street, walking through the park while I pointed out every couple holding hands just to watch Joel roll his eyes.

But neither of us said it. Neither of us dared to admit what was simmering beneath the surface.

“This is exhausting,” Joel muttered as we sat on a park bench, sipping coffee.

“What is?” I asked, smiling into my cup.

“All of this. People pretending for a week that they’re in love.”

I nudged his shoulder playfully. “Not everyone’s pretending, you know.”

He scoffed. “Name one couple that ain’t puttin’ on a show.”

I didn’t even have to think. “My grandparents.”

Joel raised an eyebrow.

“They’ve been together for 53 years,” I said softly, my smile turning wistful. “They met in college. My grandpa still brings her flowers every Friday. And she still laughs at all his bad jokes.”

Joel let out a low hum, like he wasn’t sure if he believed me.

“I’m not saying it’s common,” I added, reading his mind. “But just because it’s rare doesn’t mean it’s not real.”

He glanced at me then, his gaze lingering a little too long, a little too soft. My breath caught, but I looked away before my feelings betrayed me.

One afternoon, we ended up in the bookstore downtown, wandering through the aisles. Joel found himself in the history section, while I was drawn to the romance novels, of course.

“You’re really gonna read one of those?” he asked, leaning against the shelf with a teasing smirk.

“Yes, Joel,” I shot back, holding up a book with a dramatic cover. “It’s called escapism. You should try it sometime.”

“I’ll stick to the real world, thanks.”

“Where love doesn’t exist?” I teased.

“Exactly.”

I sighed dramatically, shaking my head. “You’re hopeless.”

As we walked out, I couldn’t help myself. I nodded toward an older couple sitting on a bench, their hands intertwined, lost in their own little world.

“Look at them,” I whispered. “Don’t tell me that’s not real.”

Joel followed my gaze, but said nothing. I wished I knew what he was thinking.

It started with a simple plan—cook dinner, keep things light, pretend my heart wasn’t on the verge of bursting every time Joel Miller looked at me.

I wasn’t exactly a gourmet chef, but I knew my way around a kitchen well enough to whip up something decent. Joel sat at the counter, watching me with an amused expression, a beer in hand.

“You sure you’re not gonna burn the place down?” he teased.

I shot him a playful glare. “I’m perfectly capable, thank you very much.”

He chuckled, leaning back in his chair like he didn’t have a care in the world. I, on the other hand, was trying not to melt under the weight of his gaze.

I turned on some music to fill the silence, letting the soft strum of a guitar filter through the room. And then it happened—one of my favorite love songs started playing. A soft, sweet melody that made my chest ache.

“Uh-oh,” Joel muttered, already sensing what was coming.

I grinned, turning to face him. “Dance with me.”

“Y/n…” he warned, shaking his head.

“Please?” I stretched out the word, giving him my best pleading eyes. “For me?”

He let out a long sigh, but when I reached out my hand, he took it without a fight.

His hand was warm as he pulled me close, his touch gentle despite the roughness of his calloused fingers. We swayed in my tiny kitchen, the smell of dinner forgotten, the music weaving around us like a secret only we knew.

“This is ridiculous,” he whispered, but there was a softness in his voice, in the way his hand rested on my waist.

“Maybe,” I whispered back, resting my head lightly on his shoulder. “But it’s nice, isn’t it?”

He didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to. I could feel it—the way his grip tightened ever so slightly, the way his breath hitched when I leaned in closer.

For a moment, it felt like we weren’t pretending anymore. Like the feelings we never spoke about were real, tangible.

When the song ended, Joel pulled back slowly, his eyes lingering on mine. The air between us crackled with something unspoken.

“Dinner’s gonna burn,” he muttered, clearing his throat as he stepped away.

I laughed softly, but my heart still ached.

Because even when we danced around our feelings, I knew the truth.

Valentine’s Day arrived quietly, the way it always did.

I felt like I was losing my grip. Every smile, every lingering glance, every time Joel’s hand brushed against mine felt like it was unraveling me.

When I opened my apartment door that morning to find Joel standing there—grumpy expression firmly in place—holding a small bouquet of wildflowers, I froze.

“Uh… these are for you,” he mumbled, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

I stared at the flowers, then at him, trying to process the fact that Joel Miller—the man who swore up and down that Valentine’s Day was nothing but a commercial scam—was holding flowers for me.

“Is this a joke?” I teased, even though my heart was racing.

“Do you want ‘em or not?” he grumbled, shoving them toward me.

I laughed softly, taking the bouquet from his hands. “They’re beautiful, Joel. Thank you.”

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just… you like this kinda thing. Figured you deserved somethin’ nice.”

My chest tightened at his words. Joel Miller, who claimed not to believe in love, had just done something more thoughtful than any grand gesture ever could be.

That night, we ended up back at my apartment, a bottle of wine between us, laughing over old memories.

“I don’t get it,” Joel said, leaning back on the couch, his voice quieter now. “You got your heart broken—bad—and you still believe in all this love stuff.”

I swallowed hard, the memory of my past relationship still a dull ache. “Because I know what it feels like to be loved, Joel. Even if it wasn’t forever. And I know what it feels like to be alone, too.”

He looked at me then, something unreadable in his eyes. “You’re not alone,” he whispered.

And for a moment, I let myself believe him.

The night felt endless, every moment stretching out between us like a question neither of us wanted to answer.

I could feel Joel beside me, the weight of his presence grounding me, but also unraveling me. The flowers he’d given me sat on the table, delicate and unexpected, just like him.

“Joel,” I whispered, barely able to hear my own voice over the pounding of my heart.

He turned to me, eyes darker than usual, something unreadable flickering in them.

I opened my mouth to say something—anything—but before I could, Joel was already moving.

His hand cupped my face, rough fingertips trailing along my jaw, and then his lips were on mine.

This wasn’t a tentative kiss. This wasn’t careful. This was Joel Miller finally giving in, finally letting go of every wall he had built around his heart.

His mouth pressed urgently against mine, and I melted into him, my hands gripping his shirt as if holding on for dear life. His other hand slid around my waist, pulling me closer until there was no space left between us.

I felt everything in that kiss—every unspoken word, every moment we’d danced around our feelings, every piece of him he’d kept hidden from the world.

When we broke apart, breathless, Joel rested his forehead against mine, his voice rough and low.

“I can’t fight it anymore,” he whispered. “I don’t want to.”

I swallowed hard, my heart aching in the best way. “Then don’t.”

He kissed me again, softer this time, but with the same intensity, the same longing that had always been there—waiting for us to finally stop pretending.

In that moment, I knew. Joel Miller didn’t just care for me.

He loved me.

[m1ssu2p1an0]

OMG HELLO!!! I have a request...

you dont have to do this if you dont want to! but basically, can you do PLATONIC awakened pure vanilla cookie comforting anxious/quiet!reader?

Things have been tough and honeslty I think we all need to cry into his arms and be comforted by him </3 fatherly pv hugs would be so soothing and could make anyone feel better,,,

Of course I can, my friend! I truly hope you feel better, we all love PV around here (Because gender isn’t specified, reader will be GN!) But I hope you enjoy it, and hope you feel better as well, only wish the best for you! <3

“I am here..”

Awakened PV & GN!Anxious/Quiet reader

To say you didn’t feel great was an utter understatement. It’s like you fallen ill. Ever since arriving to the kingdom, it’s like you couldn’t help but have sickening thoughts cloud your senses. The mere feeling that someone’s watching you and judging your every move gets so draining, even tiring.

Your behavior slipped past many as you just adjusting to everything around you and what’s ahead for you in the following days, but your actions didn’t seem to go unnoticed by the sweet cookie that had nothing but worries for you.

You were sat at a bench, looking into the water, sub-cautiously looking around as you let out a small huff that could pass as a sigh. The previously mentioned cookie had approached you unknowingly as it took you a bit to notice him. Looking to your left you see him facing what was ahead before turning to look at you, noticing your tensed posture and anxious actions.

“Well hello, my dear. I apologize for startling you, it truly wasn’t my intention..”

His voice was smooth like butter as it seemed to ease your worries a tad, your mind racing as you began to overthink before you were interrupted by his voice once more.

“What seems to be the matter? You always seem so.. scared.. is there anything wrong?”

His question overwhelmed you, causing you to cower away slightly, saying nothing. It was like there was a lump stuck in your throat, no matter what you did you couldn’t seem to escape it. You watched as he eased up, as if he was shrinking himself to look less intimidating, the bright light that seemed to emit from him dimming. Yet the warm feeling from it was still very evident. Your mouth opened but no words, causing you to hesitate as you shook your head.

“I really don’t try to pester, but just know I’ll be here as a shoulder to lean on, and even cry upon..”

Those simple words made your chest clench, your hand coming up to grasp right over your heart. It was pretty cheesy, yet nobody has ever tried to even attempt to ask if anything was wrong. But that was probably due to you being like a turtle in a shell. You’re always clammed up, too afraid to say or do something wrong. Just thinking about it brought you to tears as they slowly fell down. The sight caused him to worry, hesitantly getting closer, unsure if you were okay with it. But not seeing you move away, and instead lean in was practically a green light for him.

He placed his staff down, hands going up to, very carefully, hold you in his arms. His fingers ran through your hair in a soothing way as you softly mumbled small things, about how you felt, your worries, your fears. It was all too warm, like a parent’s hug after you fell and hurt your knee. It only made tears fall quicker.

“It’s okay, my child.. I’m right here..”

Small hiccups left your lips as your hold tightened around the king, his hold unwavering as well.

“There’s nothing to worry about, you’re safe here.. you are a blessed child of light, never let worries drag you to your lowest. Trust me, my child, I’ve been there before.. Now, when you’re ready to continue talking about how you feel, I’ll be here still. I’ll wait for you.”

I apologize if this was too short, or it wasn’t amazing :’(

I attempted to do it within the reach of my abilities, but I hope you still enjoyed it! I’ll never stop repeating this, but you are loved, nothing on earth will change that. There’s always someone who loves you, even when you don't realize it. You are infinite <3

[ani-iu]

[𝟏/𝟐] 𝐁𝐎𝐑𝐍 𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐃 | angel 𝐀𝐝𝐚𝐦 × female sinner 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 × 𝐕𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐨

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: You are a sinner in Hell, and you want to die—permanently. You own nothing, not even your soul, and struggle every day just to exist. That is why you view the annual exterminations as your only hope and the last pardon from God to sinners.

When the day comes and you lie down with an exorcist angel hovering above you, you accept your fate with a serene smile on your face. Finally, you will be free.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

But your executioner just had to be the first man himself.

Killing sinners when they want it is not as fun, which is why Adam presents you with a deal—your kind likes those, right? He will kill you, but only if you are willing to listen to him spill everything that is weighing on his soul. Dead tell no tales, and Adam really needs someone to talk to.

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬: angst; bittersweet ending; implied/referenced suicide; suicidal thoughts; implied/referenced rape/non-con; rape/non-con elements; drug use and addiction; self-image issues; canon-typical violence; explicit sexual content; dubious consent; unhealthy power dynamic expressed through cannibalism; religious imagery & symbolism; religious guilt; Adam being Adam; blood and gore; dead dove: do not eat. 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 7,6k.

// wrath of god

𝐘ou were falling for a while—as if everything slowed down the moment you jumped.

At first, you had your eyes opened. The crisp late November air was cold but not unpleasant against your sweaty skin—invigorating even—and when you opened your mouth, it tasted of a faint hint of ice and stifling city pollution. You never felt so at peace as you did at that moment, so you allowed your tense body to surrender itself to gravity rather quickly and without much fight. 

It was only once you got closer to splattering against the pavement that you finally closed your eyes and, with a palpitating heart, braced yourself for the impact. But it never came.

You just kept falling.

And falling.

Delayed confrontation with your painful death not only confused you but also twisted your stomach in a suffocating swirl of anxiety-inducing inevitability and sick giddiness. Was this the moment I would see my life flash in front of me?

You wished—no—you needed to catch a vivid glimpse of your sun-drenched childhood days, unclouded by the passing of time. It wouldn’t have changed a thing. You already made your irreversible decision. However, it felt strange not to cry in this circumstance, and perhaps childhood nostalgia would have been able to squeeze a few drops out of you. 

To be honest, you didn’t know who you were trying to please with the waterworks, but after spending your entire life seeking approval from others, you wanted to end it the same way by showing off to the first responders your glossy, tear-stained cheeks while they scrape off your mangled body from the asphalt.

Yet, all you could think of was the ten-minute countdown toward the end, which played inside your mind on a taunting loop—ending the moment you hopped over the railing to your death and starting again the moment the door of the balcony clicked shut behind you.

Click.

Back pressed against the glass, you stand frozen in place for a moment, simply listening to the clamour of the city below. Icy snowflakes fall over your shoulders, creating a comforting blanket of pure white, but your body quickly melts it all away as if something as tainted as you didn’t deserve its biting solace.

You clutch your phone close to your chest like it is the only thing keeping you grounded at the moment.

Carefully and without loosening your deadly grip, you peel the device away until the screen senses your face and unlocks itself, presenting you with a lengthy list of contacts.

Thumb gliding over the wet screen as you scroll through hundreds of numbers brings you back to reality alongside a heavy feeling in your gut. You are reminded of just how useless the device is to you.

But your desperation has grown since the last time you contemplated reaching out for help. To the point you even consider setting aside any animosity you hold toward your mother. You could reach out to her, but, childishly, you have her contact listed under her name, and, well, her name turns out to be common enough to have three namesakes saved in your contacts, making it impossible to decide which one to call.

Yet, you don’t even try to call at least one of them. Your pride is stuck inside your throat—impossible to swallow. So you lock your phone and drop it into your coat pocket, substituting the device for a pack of cigarettes.

The filter sticks to your dry lips while you intensely watch the flame repeatedly lose the fight against the wind. Yet, with furrowed eyebrows, you refuse to let the fire die—rolling your thumb against the steel wheel of the lighter to spark it up again. 

And again.

The moment smoke hits the back of your throat, you release a sigh of contentment before taking a shaky lungful. All the tension leaves your body as you lean against the safety railing and shake the ash into the darkness below, watching it dance together with the falling snowflakes in one harmonious rhythm.

"Tempting, isn't it?"

So much for peace and quiet.

You push away from the edge and twist your body toward the devil himself.

You just had to get in his way, had to catch his predatory gaze from across the room after one of the fashion shows you were modelling at. As if any of this was even my choice. Nothing was. I didn't choose him, but he chose me—to drug, defile, and pass around his pretentious, disgusting buddies.

Said man is leaning against the doorway, his dark hair blending in with the night. He turns his head toward the railing you are leaning against and follows his suggestion with a mocking laugh. "It’s not like you would be missed. After all, you are still here."

He leaves you after that, not bothering to close the door behind him. He knows you will come back. You always do.

Flicking the butt of the cigarette, you watch it free fall and just disappear into the pitch-black abyss below—used and discarded. You still remember how light the filter felt in between your fingers. I bet its fall is light too—

You take a step back as if the wet phone in your pocket has finally short-circuited and electrocuted you.

I am loved, you tell yourself as you push your freezing hand into your pocket until your bony fingers curl around the cell phone.

You haven’t entertained the thought of jumping until now. That should show that this isn’t your doing; these aren’t your thoughts. He is the parasite that infected yet another aspect of your life.

Pulling out the device with shaking hands, you stare at an empty lock screen.

He is lying, trying to get a rise out of you, your racing mind supplies as your grip tightens.

The screen turns dark, and the phone stays silent. You hold it for a while longer—your phone as well as your breath.

The air you exhale comes out as a puffy cloud. You look up at the sky and the falling snowflakes. They cover your face in small blotches, their coldness lasting a moment like a small, calming kiss against your burning skin. Then they melt and roll down your face and down your neck into the inside of your shirt.

Daring a glance over the railing, you slowly become mesmerised by the serenity and tranquillity that darkness provides.

And you can’t help but believe him.

No one would notice if I just disappeared.

With that last thought, you finally hit the ground with a jarring slam. The impact knocked the remaining air out of your lungs, paralysing your body with the most overwhelming pain and making any kind of movement impossible for a short moment. A bloodcurdling scream pierced right through the ringing in your ears, and only when you felt your throat burn did you realise that the screaming belonged to you—not some kind of wounded animal.

Pain was the clearest indication that you were still alive, and fearing that you had somehow managed to survive your attempt, you opened your eyes only to be confronted with a reality that was even worse than that.

The air around you was heavy like lead, crushing your whole being to the ground and filling your lungs with sour and bitter fumes. Everything around you was drenched in red. It was as if you fell through the earth's crust all the way to its magmatic middle. The seemingly impossible scenario would have provided an explanation for the long fall and seemed much more plausible to you than what the pentagram above would imply.

However, before you could comprehend your current predicament to the full extent, the dainty silver cross that you always wore around your neck began to burn you through your clothing, causing you to grip it without a second thought and frantically tug on the chain to take it off. It scorched your palm, filling the air with the nauseatingly sweet smell of burnt flesh.

If asked, you wouldn’t have been able to say for certain how long it took for it to finally break—you still don’t know—you just remember the short-lived relief, which quickly got overshadowed by the heavy implication of the aftermath.

There was an ugly taste in the back of your throat as you watched in horror how the precious metal melted in front of your eyes, becoming so hot that the silver puddle turned red and blended in with the ground beneath your feet. You wanted to scream in horror, but all that left your throat was a pathetic whimper. 

Not only were you in Hell, but this gesture felt like the God you prayed to your whole life just slammed the door of His home right in front of your face.

At some point, you had managed to drag yourself into a nearby alley to get your bearings. But the moment your heavy head hit the wall, one of the back doors opened, and you saw a demon being tossed out, their bones cracking as they rolled down the steep flight of stairs, landing right by your feet.

That's how you met Isaac—a sinner whom you genuinely considered a friend, even though you sometimes wondered if he was real or merely a figment of your imagination, given how he made your afterlife a tiny bit more bearable. His optimism was infectious, yet you couldn't miss the way his smile always hinted at the regret he never fully expressed to you. But it wasn't like you divulged much about yourself either, as fear always held you back despite your longing for connection.

That’s who you were—a coward. And you stayed true to that title, remaining hidden in the shadows even while Isaac was being butchered by an angel from Heaven.

You physically couldn’t move. Instead, you attempted to justify your cowardice by reminding yourself how agonisingly painful regeneration is for sinners. If you also got hurt, no one else would take care of your friend, so you stayed in your hideout until the early hours of the morning when the flock of angels finally retreated back into the sky. 

Once you approached the scene, all you saw were the fleshy pieces scattered on the brimstone. If you hadn’t witnessed the slaughter for yourself, there would be no way for you to put a name to the innards that were left behind. 

You sat there, cradling the wet chunks of meat in your frail hold, until night fell. It wasn't until the end of the next day that it finally dawned on you that Isaac was not coming back. 

And for the first time since your arrival in Hell, you smiled.

In your despair, you had forgotten that when God closes the door, He opens a window. And as you hugged the rotting meat closer to yourself until the mince spilt out of your embrace, you thanked God—in the form of a little prayer murmured under your nose—for showing you that window of hope.

Since then, the only thing on your mind has been next year's extermination.

» » »

It was definitely suicide that earned you a one-way ticket to Hell, yet sometimes you can't help but wonder if it's modelling.

It's a stupid thought, and it’s not like it matters that much now anyway, but being stuck in Hell—a place where sinners endure repetitive and eternal punishment tailored to their sins—and doing the same thing you did in life... damn it, you just can’t help but wonder if that’s what got you here in the first place.

After all, it seems that everything went downhill in your life and afterlife once you signed your modelling contract—both times signing away your soul.

Even so, you wouldn’t have it any other way. Your eyes never squint when the stage lights cut you out from the surrounding darkness. And the rush you get—it’s almost worth everything unpleasant that comes with it. It’s your Achilles heel and the only thing you can still enjoy down here.

You also used to love the mirror and how it reflected your carefully crafted image, but now it mocks you. Your reflection is mostly blurry, and your features look so warped that it’s as if your mind can’t fully comprehend your new appearance. Guilt. Maybe this is your true punishment—not the eternal flames of Hell, but the torment of your own gaze.

So you meticulously navigate the house of mirrors that is Velvette’s studio, your head downturned in sorrow and shame like a wannabe penitent Mary Magdalene.

You conceal this weakness in character under the guise of being for others' eyes and not your own—a product of the Vees for the masses to consume. The self-effacing slogan is intriguing and seems to work for Velvette. You are a mannequin for her pretty clothes, and that’s it. She cares very little about your inner demons.

But nothing matters anymore, as you make your way down the hall for one last stop before you go to find yourself an empty spot somewhere in the streets. You doubt it will be difficult to do that. It shouldn't be crowded. Not tonight, at least.

For a year you suffered through Velevette’s verbal and physical abuse, avoided Vox’s reflective screen, and tried to stay away from Valentino. He was the most difficult of the Vees to avoid. And that is saying much, as even now—as you make your way down the hall—you keep pulling onto the silk lapels of your robe in a desperate attempt to hide your exposed skin from the blinking cameras seemingly at every corner.

You wanted to escape Valentino. You really did. But you were dependent on the overlord.

The pain from your fall never left you. It weighs on you like a heavy burden of sin. It’s Hell—you are supposed to suffer—yet coming to terms with it doesn’t make it better.

The drugs do. They placate the pain for a short while, but it all comes back sooner or later. Bit by bit, it returns slowly, like some sick joke. But it’s bearable at first, and it tricks you into thinking that you can manage it on your own. You don’t need the drugs. You don’t need him. However, then it comes back just as unbearable as it was before, and your resolve gets crushed, allowing Valentino to play a saviour again.

Your footsteps are quiet. The magenta carpeting below muffles the clicking sound your high heels make, and the further you venture away from Velvette’s side of the building, the sparser all the mirrors become and the higher your chin raises.

Finally, you come to a stop in front of the double door.

With your arms at your sides, you try to remind yourself of the shame you feel every time you leave his penthouse, that it’s not worth it. Valentino’s smoke made you retch, and his touch made you sick, but it all also reminded you of the time when you were alive. The most horrible parts of it, but for you—someone who is desperately clinging to the last remnants of their humanity—it was a comforting reminder.

You open the door to what can only be described as a sanctum of vanity. You step into Valentino’s carefully crafted reality, an empire built on charm and exploitation, bleeding hedonism from its every crevice. The air is clouded in a thick mist of smoke, hiding the true danger within. Yet even if you can’t see him, you can sense his presence and feel his invisible gaze undressing you from afar.

And suddenly your surroundings become insignificant.

"Ah, I was wondering if you would show your beautiful face tonight. Are you done playing hard to get?" A voice emerges somewhere from the thick, pink cloud of smoke. Valentino shifts from lying back on one of the opulent loveseats into a sitting position, legs spread apart, inviting. Coincidentally, he has also exchanged his usual attire for an old Hollywood-style robe, befitting his role as a film director, you suppose. It has flowing sleeves adorned with fluffy trim around the edges that Velvette would most likely describe as tacky and cheap-looking. "Come on, don’t keep me waiting, muñeca."

You don’t say anything as you step further into the room, the door closing shut behind you. Valentino already has you in his trap, ever since you took your first breath in this room. Your eyelids feel heavy until they drop to cover half of your irises, mirroring your body as you subserviently lower yourself onto your knees before the tall, hulking moth overlord and crawl closer to him.

You hear Valentino chuckle as he exhales another puff of smoke that caresses your skin with a featherlike softness and wraps around your ankles like chains, slowing down your movements by weighing down your limbs. The bliss you feel—as you inhale more of the vinaceous and just as intoxicating smoke—is overwhelming.

Your robe creeps up with every move, exposing your bare calves. Another move and it’s your thighs on display.

Valentino extends his hand to you like salvation—like a lifeline to which you can’t help but cling every single time, even if you say to yourself it’s the last time. Even if right now you feel utterly humiliated and disappointed with yourself.

Once he wraps his fingers around your wrist, he drags you like a ragdoll until you are kneeling between his spread-out knees. With your arm still in his bruising grasp, you support your weight on your free one, pressing your palm into a velveteen cushion beside his leg. Now that both of your hands are occupied, you lower your face towards his crotch, gazing up at him as you do.

As you are about to reach and lift the thin layer of his robe with your teeth, Valentino tugs your pliant body on top of his until you find your place in his lap instead. A startled gasp followed up by a little whine leaves your mouth—he caught you off guard, and the way he forcefully pulls you up hurts, but the little sound might as well be interpreted by the man as disappointment towards him taking away a sweet treat from you.

"Eager little thing you are." His tone is teasing and overlaid with his smooth, saccharine-sweet accent. But that is only the surface level. You can’t help but pick up a tinge of surprise in Valentino’s voice, like he is surprised by your audacity to try and avoid him and then attempt to suck his dick, the action that he regards as a prize rather than a torment to your jaw.

A shiver runs down your spine, and your empty stomach swirls with unease as all you can do is go along with whatever he has in store for you, even if it feels like being accompanied on a walk and seeing a guillotine at the end of the trail.

His lower set of arms brushes up and down along your thighs, eyes never leaving your body while you take that time to work on tugging and tearing at the silky fabric to expose more of your skin for his enjoyment, bearing it all to his hungry gaze. He hums in approval, moving his hands upwards from your thighs until his palms rest on your ass and hips, nudging you to get closer to him. 

Your knees tremble from the force and from having to support the weight of your body, so you sit down, feeling him already hard underneath the thin layer of his robe. You sigh, unable to suppress the involuntary throb between your legs which spurs you into grinding against Valentino just to feel some kind of relief for the itch you can’t seem to scratch on your own.

"I knew you would be back. There’s no way a little dependent slut like you could get away." His hands, still resting on your backside, take a firmer grip on the plump flesh, helping you move faster, harder. The friction sends pleasant tingles across your whole body, and you close your eyes, greedily enjoying the pleasure while it lasts, which you know won’t be long. You are so lost in it that you don’t even notice when one of Valentino’s hands from his upper set of arms roughly grabs you by your jaw, bringing your face in line with his. "Even if you try."

Valentino’s palm unassumingly rests on the column of your neck for a bit, until his grip tightens and he forcefully hoists you up till you are back on your knees. You roughly swallow down your answer and simply nod. If you weren’t Velvette’s prized model, Valentino would have snatched you for the studio a long time ago.

His lips stretch into a satisfied smirk, but it doesn’t bring you much comfort.

For a second your gaze flutters downwards, where you notice that his other hand has moved to grab his cock that already has beads of precum spilling to the surface of the tip. He smears it with his thumb and gives his whole length a few languid strokes with little amusement.

Finally, he lets go of your face and this time brings his bruising touch up to your waist while he aligns his tip with your dripping folds.

Valentino is not gentle, and he doesn’t waste time on anything apart from his own pleasure—pushing his cock inside you with no care for your comfort. The stretch, as your bruised inner walls try to accommodate him on such short notice and with no preparation, is excruciating.

You grab his shoulders and try to slow down the painful descent while taking deep breaths in order to relax your muscles before Valentino loses his patience.

Speaking of the man—he leans back to watch over the stiff, trembling mess that is you with a bored yet contemplative expression. One of his upper set of hands rests comfortably over the backrest of the loveseat, his fingers drumming against the velvet upholstery. The other brings the cigarette holder closer to his lips.

"I—ngh!" can’t is what you want to say but are unable to through gritted teeth. It was a mistake to come here, your inner voice screams at you, and you scream back, I know that!

Your cunt clenches around him as your body naturally tries to push him out of you, but then he blows another plume of the headily noxious smoke into your face and smirks as he watches how your pupils instantaneously dilate. 

What you inhale knocks down your defences and allows Valentino to forcefully thrust the rest of himself into you. All you can do is dig your nails into his shoulder blades and throw your head back in relief that the worst is over.

The force is a silent threat that you understand clearly, so before he gets angry, you pick yourself up on shaky legs and lower yourself down on his throbbing cock, adopting a pace you know he enjoys while bouncing through the pain.

Desperately searching for a way to take your mind off the situation, you peek over his shoulder at the window walls that provide you with the sprawling skyline of Pentagram City. But not for long.

As the sky behind the glass slowly turns into a slightly deeper and darker shade of vermilion, the outside vanishes, leaving you to stare at the reflection of the room, which makes Valentino’s penthouse look isolated and endless. 

You can see the outline of your figure reflected in the glass like your body is still there; you can feel it mounted on Valentino’s cock, but your consciousness is back there by the window, akin to a frigidly indifferent onlooker watching from a distance, judging.

The ache from the overlord’s bruising touch is gone, as is the excruciating pain lingering from your fall to damnation. You just feel numb.

The face of your reflection is a swirl of colour—a mix of your skin tone, the tint of your lips, and the hue of your irises—as if the image is so unrecognisable to your brain that it cannot even generate the most basic human features. You hardly remember what you look like as is; it would not matter if the reflection is accurate either way.

Valentino grabs you by the hair and brings your attention back to the present moment by aligning your face with his own. You could see yourself reflected in his glasses if not for the tears glossing over your vision.

Both of your lips are parted and inches away—his hot breath mixes with your own to the point you can taste the sickly sweet remnants of smoke on your tongue.

With half-lidded eyes, you pant out breathless little ah ah ah’s every time his hips meet with your own, and a little shudder accompanying his every exhale is the only indicator that he somewhat enjoys this and isn’t just doing it as a humiliating punishment.

Valentino is close. His thrusts have become more erratic, chasing after his own need for release.

You whimper when he lowers his head and, with hot lips, grazes the dewy skin pulled taut over your collarbone—not yet kissing it but close. Oh, so close. 

A girl can dream about a tender little kiss, and in a momentary lapse in judgement, you allow that possibility to hang heavy in the air like the cloying smell of sex as you tilt your head slightly sideways and lift your chin, leaving your neck vulnerable to him to do as he pleases.

But Valentino doesn’t do sweet little kisses, and if that well-known character quirk of his did not clue you in, then a gust of breath over your pulse point should have been a warning.

"Ah!"

Valentino sinks his teeth into the juncture where your neck and shoulder connect. The pleasant pressure in your lower stomach gets replaced with a sinking feeling as the sharp pain locks your whole body with excruciating pain.

He spills himself into your trembling body while you weakly push against him in an attempt to get away, but all it does is help him tear the chunk of meat and tendons out of your body.

Valentino growls into your open wound, and you stop resisting. His hot cum flowing down your legs is as uncomfortably hot as the bile rising up your throat.

You hear him loudly gulp down the bloody chunk and chuckle, "It doesn’t matter that I don’t own your soul on paper. You will always be mine. Even when this heals up," he licks a long stripe against the pulsing wound, making you gasp and squirm. The deceptively charming tone of his voice is gone just like that, replaced by one with a warning undertone exhaled right into the bloody injury. "There will always be a piece of you missing. Don’t make me wait for you next time."

Like a child hiding a broken vase before your parents even notice the glass shards, you smile at him, knowing that after tonight you will have nothing to worry about. You could make any promise; it won’t matter.

You exhale contentedly, "I won’t, Valentino. Never."

Valentino hums, stroking your upper arm with soft, sensual caresses, none the wiser to your plans. The unusual gentleness, alongside lightheadedness from blood loss and rhythmic throbbing in your neck, begins to slowly lull you to sleep. Your eyelids grow heavier with every touch that Valentino spares you, and unconsciously you begin to negotiate with yourself, only for a little bit… I will close my eyes for a moment… Hell knows I deserve it—

Doubtful that sinners have guardian angels, but unable to explain the sudden need to meet Valentino’s palpably piercing gaze in any other way, you cannot do anything but thank God that you do before you succumb to the temptation of sleep.

The terror in that moment is greater than exhaustion. You quickly scramble to your feet, swaying to the sides like a sapling trying its best to hold up against the wind. 

Your arms are shaking and going numb; you can’t even feel the piece of clothing in your hands. A thin layer of fresh skin has already stretched over the wound at the base of your neck, but as you tug your robe back onto your shoulders, the thin layer rips, blinding you with pain until the black spots in your vision grow bigger.

Gentle, the man is not, and still knowing this, you almost fell for the trap. All this time, he has seen through you and almost ensnared you. Shame on you for thinking yourself to be wiser.

Valentino hasn’t made a move to drag you back. He… just smiles, while one of his many arms is twirling the cigarette holder between long, dexterous fingers. The fresh smoke hits your nose, and you feel your mouth start watering.

You don’t play with untamed fire for any longer than you already have, quickly making your way on wobbly legs towards the door. It slams shut with a resounding thud, but not before Valentino’s mocking purr slips through the crack and hits you on the way out.

"Better hurry, muñeca."

Hyperventilating, you stumble into a wall. The stale smell of smoke permeates the air even outside Valentino’s room in the hallway. There’s a taste of bile in the back of your throat as you feel it coming up, but all you can do is lean your forehead against the wall, close your eyes, and ride it out without, hopefully, regurgitating the stomach acids on the carpet.

With an exhale, you will yourself to open your eyes, afraid of falling asleep. Not here, not now.

Your wounded arm hangs limp beside you as the drops of viscous blood drip from the tips of your fingers onto the carpeting below.

Finally, you push yourself to stand straight, and with an ungainly walk, you exit the tower.

You look back only once.

Lost in a trance-like daze, you don't know how long you wandered the streets or when you managed to doze off in the spot you ultimately decided to pick as your final resting place. When you jump awake, all you know is that you eventually did.

The first of seven loud, steely bell rings echoes through the air, symbolising the start of the extermination. It is soon followed by the second and the third one.

In the rubble and decay left over from the last extermination, desperate sinners get ready for a new one—scrambling to hide against the inevitable.

Feeling indifferent towards their plight, you hug your knees closer to your chest, take out your last cigarette, and press the tip against the ground to light it. You take the first puff and close your eyes, exhaling the acrid smoke through your nose with a shaky breath as another loud chime rings through the air and sends a shiver down your spine.

You are ready to die, your inner voice tries to placate you as you subconsciously dig your heels into the ground with an overwhelming want to flee. You never wanted to die—not in life, nor the after. All you wish is for the pain to finally stop. And if this is what it’s going to take…

Another inhale.

You flick the ash, some of it falling on the tip of your stiletto. You don’t bother brushing it away. Instead, you raise your gaze to take in your surroundings and can't help but feel something swirling inside your stomach. Is that... longing?

Not for Hell, that’s for sure, but rather resurfacing memories that this part of the Pride Ring brings to the forefront of your mind. You are in the industrial area of Pentagram City, nestled somewhere behind the Carmine factories. Maybe it’s weird to find nostalgia in concrete, but as you remember yourself, you were always the sentimental type, especially before dying. And looking at the sculptural, dilapidated buildings—that are only good at serving a functional purpose—reminds you of your home before you got swept up in the fake glamour of the fashion world.

Concrete’s grey colour gives off a cold feeling to many, but you harbour a different kind of sentiment towards monochrome structures. You rarely visited your childhood home after your career as a model kicked off, so the memories you have of it are saturated with the dreamlike wonder of a curious child whose mind worked tirelessly to supply colour to even the most drab parts of suburbia.

And in her youthful eyes, the concrete was never cold—not in colour, and most definitely not in feeling.

Be it the sunset, painting the walls of a concrete-panelled five-storey apartment building in the warmest of colours, or your little self trying to climb on top of the concrete tunnels at the playground that had been exposed to the sun all day—your palms firmly pressed against the warm, rough surface as you pushed yourself upward, straining to lift your body on top, and painfully scraping your bare knees until they were stained with warm blood and throbbed with hot pain. To you, the concrete was warm and felt like home.

Until it didn’t.

You grew, and the oversaturated lens through which you used to gaze at life began fading out into an all-consuming fog of depressing grey. You wanted more from the miserable existence, chased unreachable dreams and that childhood high, substituting the lack of colour in your life with artificial big city lights.

Simultaneously, your ambitions got bigger, but no accomplishment could replicate the youthful optimism you once had, and no drug could synthesise it. 

You pursued the unattainable until you burnt out.

Casting your gaze at the filter between your fingers, you are taken out of your contemplative haze by another ring of the bell. You have gotten so lost in your own thoughts that you are unsure if it’s the fifth or the seventh ring.

Cries of murder have become white noise after two years of living in literal Hell, but these screams now are different. Sinners yell for others of their kind to hide, and at first, only the distant echoes of their desperation reach you. That is until the nearest sinner to you blocks your line of vision and screams into your face.

"Don’t just sit there! Hide—"

Just like that, an angelic steel-edged axe, bearing a close resemblance to a musical instrument, cuts the sinner obliquely through. His mouth doesn’t have time to even have time to close properly as the top half of his body is already sliding off to the ground before he can finish the sentence. His lower half follows soon after and crumbles down in the same spot he once stood.

Slimy, black intestines, like live eels, slither near your feet, angrily hissing at you as the hot ground underneath sizzles them. You attempt to dodge them with your feet, letting out a petrified squeal as one of them bursts open and the fountain of blood sprays along your skin and the silk fabric of your robe.

That last ring of the bell you heard a second ago was indeed the last one.

The sinner is no longer blocking your view, but before you can take a good look at who dealt them their final blow, you are being kicked in your chest, causing you to tumble backwards and your head to hit the ground with a sickening crack. Your eyes snap shut from the force and pain. And you keep them that way.

Your ears prickle at the sound of sandy gravel crunching underneath his steps until you feel the heavy-duty combat boot press into your chest cavity with a weight and hardness akin to that of metal.

Exorcist angels, like true bringers of death, pierce the congealed blood skies with their scythe-like wings in unparalleled grace and speed. Monochrome in their colour scheme reminds you of a more hellish version of a common swift. They are small yet lethal, but the angel on you, digging his boot into your barely covered skin, is bigger and heavier and, most importantly—set on making the punishing pain last.

Just your luck.

You try to breathe, but the pressure on your ribcage constricts your chest. The feeling is soon followed up by a sickening crack. And you couldn’t be happier. You have never felt as close to salvation as you did in this moment. The pain is almost euphoric. 

Then, you feel the cold lick of the angel's blade against your neck, merely ghosting your skin. You arch your back in an absolutely sinful manner so the sharp silver edge of his weapon would glide against your skin, inviting him to slice it through.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

You open your eyes to look at the demonic face of an angel, hm… ironic.

He doesn’t suit his surroundings. Be it the incandescence of a halo above his head, casting a saintly shine over him, or the soft pastel colour palette of his robes sticking out amidst the eternally burning inferno, like the whiteness of Heaven in the bloody sky.

Even the red blood of the sinner, running down his weapon and dripping near the angel’s feet, doesn’t seem to ruin his sanctimonious image. Filthy—yes, as it stains the pristine visage of something sacred, but spilt righteously.

The angel’s pitiless eyes glint like his unfurled, golden wings.

"Are you deaf?"

His voice is spiced with mockery, like an action of spitting on someone but expressed with words.

"No, I heard you. I’m just wondering why you haven’t killed me yet."

He looks at you and blinks twice, assessing the situation.

Then he gets up from you. 

You hungrily inhale lungfuls of sulphuric air once the pressure lifts from your chest. Gasping, you scramble to reach out for him, cutting the pads of your fingers against the sharp blade of his axe. No— NO!

Without mercy, he swats your hand away with so much force that it numbly dangles beside you, but that’s when you try again with your other one. This one he grabs in his firm hold, applying pressure until your bones scream for you to surrender. As if you care about anything that happens to your ugly sinner body. You welcome pain.

He keeps you at arm's length like a flea-infested mongrel, but his words are as clear as if he had somehow gotten inside your head and screamed them into your mind.

"Bitch, you just had to ruin it for me! It’s no fun if you want it!"

You don't manage to say anything. You just open your mouth, gathering words. Not the first time I’ve heard those words from a man. There’s a pang in your chest. You have managed to ruin this not only for yourself but for others.

You are so insignificant, even killing you is not worth it.

"Sorry."

"Huh?"

"Please… I just want peace." Eternal peace.

The holographic mouth curls into an ugly snarl as he growls a wordless, ‘How dare you want something, and how dare you expect me to oblige?'

That was not the right thing to say.

The angel tugs you closer till you lose your balance and fall face-first into him, but before you can collide with his stomach, he manhandles you, grabbing you by the jaw. Your head is firmly tilted, forcing your gaze to meet his. His hand feels huge; long fingers envelop the entirety of the right side of your face while his thumb is jabbed into your cheek on the left, pushing the tender flesh inwards until it painfully smushes against the sharp edges of your molars and draws blood. His palm covers your mouth and nose, not allowing you to breathe. One squeeze of his hand and he could crush your head like a rotten fruit that has gone soft.

Instinctively, your body’s natural reaction is to grab your executioner by the wrist to stop him from causing you more harm. However, before your fingers can make contact with his inky skin, you quickly withdraw and forcefully drop your hand beside you, digging your nails into your fleshy thigh and tensing the muscles in your jaw. You will endure this—anything—if only it means that you will be free.

But that does not mean that this is not excruciating. It takes a lot for you to cry, yet the searing pain from his rough touch is enough to wet your eyelashes. You feel the stinging in your eyes, and as much as you don’t want to break down, you can’t keep the tears at bay. 

So you cry.

Embarrassment ignites your cheeks as you feel the droplets wet your cheeks. The tears pool in the arch where his index finger and thumb connect, but it doesn’t repulse him away from you. Instead, it seems to pique his interest as he loosens his grip, allowing the salty droplets to roll down your skin.

Then he smears the liquid across your skin.

Time stands still in that moment. The screaming around you fades into nothing, replaced by the pounding of your heart inside your ears.

Adam was very much looking forward to this year’s extermination. 

His self-pity and feelings of loneliness have flared up these days, and not even a quick fuck with a beautiful winner did it for him anymore. So what better way to rid himself of misery than by glutting his soul with merciless slaughter?

Adam was a hunter all his life. At a time when the earth was bare and there was little to entertain himself with other than the pleasures of the flesh, chasing wildlife was as much a means to get food as it was a source of entertainment.

And habits are difficult to quit.

Zoomorphic amalgamations replaced wild animals in the afterlife—both more or less the same, but admittedly, humans warped by sin were much more fun to hunt and butcher because of their human-like cognition. They were the ultimate prey. 

As soon as Adam descended from Heaven, he swung his axe, slicing through the first deformed sinner with little thought or care put towards the action. He needed to get it out of his system, and fast.

Then why wasn’t he feeling better?

Deep down he knew that he really needed to talk to someone. His reflection in the mirror wasn’t cutting it anymore after millennia. But he could not trust anyone enough to open up. Who could fault him for that? Every time he dared to open his heart, he got played.

He would never repeat the same mistake.

But then the sinner crumbled to the ground, revealing you.

Adam was taken aback at first. You didn’t look the part.

And that made him livid. Was his mind messing with him?

He felt the anger boiling in his veins as he kicked you to the ground. Feeling the impact against his foot when it collided with your body, hearing your bones crack, and smelling your blood only reiterated that he was not hallucinating. You were real.

And on top of everything—you wished for death.

Who, or more precisely, what, were you?

He watched you struggle in his grasp like a fish that he plucked out of water with his bare hands.

When he saw those tears rolling down your cheeks, he couldn’t help but feel that surge of authority flow through him. That’s how you were supposed to look from the very first second of you two crossing paths—trembling, crying, and pleading to spare your life. Now you weren’t so brave, shaking like the last yellow leaf, barely holding up against the autumn wind. Pathetic.

But as the first teardrop finally travelled the short distance from your eyes towards the sharp edge of your jaw and unceremoniously fell between you two, the damned ground let out a hiss as if sprayed with holy water, leaving Adam to stand there wide-eyed. No, it couldn’t be—

His wet thumb glided across your cheek with precision as, with each stroke, he hoped to remove more and more makeup, but all he did was knead the dewy skin.

The angel’s face glitches, and that’s when he suddenly lets go of you, allowing you to free fall back to the ground.

"Okay, listen, here’s the deal. I hate giving sinners what they want, and death, well, it’s usually not their kink. But! I’m feeling generous and seeing how embarrassingly desperate you are—I have one condition." His voice takes a different tone, leaving you noticeably confused at the suddenness. "Listen to me vent, and I will slit your throat at the end."

On the ground, you prop yourself up on your elbows and look at him with your jaw slack. Splayed out with your legs bent at the knees, you stare at Adam unblinking.

After a moment of silence, you hide your face in your palm and mumble to yourself. "I really hit my head hard..."

"Whore," he warns, and your head snaps in his direction. You tug on the lapels of your robe, which, after everything that happened, barely covered your breasts, defiantly crossing your legs with furrowed eyebrows. "I will put a mark on you so no exorcist’s blade would ever touch your suicidal ass, and then you will spend the rest of your miserable existence—"

You contort your face into a forced smile.

"I will do it."

[seasidefallenangel]

𓆩♡𓆪 good men die too, i'd rather be with you 𓆩♡𓆪

valentine's day headcanons ft; kanata yatonokami, tenn kujo, sunday, nagi seishiro

notes: fluff, bit suggestive in tenn's

༄ kanata yatonokami:

✣ it’d be a lie to say he’s ever held something so commercial as valentine’s day in high regard. all the overpriced stuff in stores and seeing an onslaught of affection in public made him roll his eyes at best and sick to his stomach at worst.

✣ even after dating you, he’s still not that big of a fan. honestly, he wasn’t even planning on doing much of anything but nayuta nearly crucified him for that idea. 

✣ (nayuta thinks it’s a miracle kanata even has a partner with how unromantic he is.)

✣ gritting his teeth and bearing it, he takes you out to a more laid-back restaurant in hopes that you’ll like it. something on the high end scale would just be uncomfortable and out of place for him, but if you had really insisted he would do it for you.

✣ it’s so cute to see him obviously flustered yet trying to be on his best behavior for you. he’d normally tell you off for acting so smug and lovesick around him but he figures this is the one day he can let you get away with it.

⁀➷ “ugh, can you just… nevermind. don’t expect this all the time. you’re lucky i love you. no shit i said it outloud. you think i’d be doing all this if i didn’t?”

༄ tenn kujo:

✣ obviously trigger’s angel is able to woo his partner. what kind of idol would he be if he didn’t devote every piece of himself into satisfying you?

✣ as much as he’d love to take you out for the holiday, it’d just be too risky. sure he could wear a disguise but he feels as if that takes away from the intimacy of the holiday.

✣ so, the next best thing is to have a catered dinner at his house. how he got aya and kujo to leave is a mystery, but evidently it worked.

✣ everything about him is practiced and perfect, to the point where you tell him it’s okay to be a little more relaxed. it’s not that he’s trying to put up a front, it’s just that he’s so in love with you he doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

✣ at his core, tenn is a giver - to the point where he’d sacrifice his own wellbeing just to see your smile. there’s nothing he values more than making you happy, and it’s evident with every kiss he gives you, setting your heart ablaze as he takes you to his bedroom.

⁀➷ “i’m relieved everything went well. i wish i could’ve taken you on a traditional date, though. maybe sometime in the future? before we get married at least. … obviously i’m marrying you.”

༄ sunday:

✣ the (former) oak family head is no slouch. even if he’s never formally been in a relationship, he was raised right and knows how to treat you. 

✣ granted, the astral express isn’t exactly the ideal location. he’d much prefer to wine and dine, giving you only the best the cosmos have to offer. unfortunately, he’s also kind of broke after the events of penacony and his defecting, so an in-house date it is.

✣ that doesn’t mean it’s any less special than a traditional night out ; in fact, he puts twice the amount of effort into it. from perfecting a meal filled with your favorite dishes, to paying march and stelle to pick up some drinks and gifts on one of their rest stops.

✣ that of course is then curbed by dan heng giving sunday the most distressed look he’s ever seen, because why would anyone trust those two with a task like that? dan heng then takes it upon himself to get the proper gifts instead of the caterpillar farm suggested by stelle.

✣ the upside to the express is that the view is second to none. throughout dinner, sunday’s wings are fluttering a mile a minute as he watches you admire the stars and swirling galaxies that pass by. he can’t be bothered to look out the window when the most ethereal view is sitting across from him.

⁀➷ “can you look at me once more, dearest? no, nothing’s wrong. i just want to imprint this into my memory. if you had told me even a year ago i’d have you in my arms, i’d have assumed it was a terrible joke. i’m simply grateful the aeon’s have led us together.”

༄ nagi seishiro:

✣ reo is easily the most stressed out person in this scenario. for as sweet and clingy nagi is towards you, that boy is romantically dense. he figures he can get you a candy bar and call it a day, and reo is on the urge of strangling him for even suggesting it.

✣ flowers! gifts! chocolate! jewelry! fancy dinner! reo is trying to hammer in some more ideas into nagi’s brain and nagi’s expression grows more and more bored with every word. he even insists that he knows his partner and all of that stuff would probably overwhelm you (and make you think nagi had been kidnapped and brainwashed.)

✣ they compromise in the end. reo uses some connections to have a chef prepare dinner at nagi’s apartment and nagi gets off his lazy ass to buy you some flowers and a box of chocolate. for all his whining about existing being a hassle, he does listen to you pretty intently. he knows you think roses on valentine’s day is a bit too cliche, so he opts to get you something like a mixed bouquet with ranunculuses, dailies, and lily of the valley’s.

✣ it’s sweet and very nagi. even in his own way, he’s able to show how much he adores you. you’re the only thing worth putting effort into in his eyes - all he demands is that you smother him in cuddles afterward.

⁀➷ “i told reo everything would be fine… why does he worry so much? i really like you, so i’m not gonna mess it up. everything is less annoying with you around. … did i say something weird?”

[kingmaxstatic]

Goodmorning, Goodbye and Goodnight: A Post About Farewells.

... How do you break away from something or a piece of yourself for so long? Or at the very least, do so in the public eye?

Let's not beat around the bush.

I'm not happy in the Sonic fandom at the moment.

(More below the post)

So let me make this PERFECTLY CLEAR I have not fallen out of love for Sonic. I still adore Sonic and I will more than continue to enjoy it!

But I'm unsure if that enjoyment can really be.. public.. for the time being.

For a while I've always couldn't help but notice that the fandom is a bundle of bickerers. Makes sense. Most of us here are ND and VERY opinionated!

But this all came to ahead when I was watching a video about Amy Rose. And as I watched, as interested as I was. A video dissecting her current writing I realized something...

I was fucking miserable!

Why do I CARE so much about other people's opinions about something I enjoy? Even if I cringe at that one bumblecast clip of Ian saying "he wishes he could redesign Amy".

Even IF I understand the concern.

I still LOVE Modern Amy! I was letting this video give me insight, yes but it also made me feel guilt for even LIKING IDW's take on Amy (and IDW in general).

Infact guilt is something I've felt A LOT in the fandom.

Shit man, Starline is my FAVORITE character in sonic, period. But it feels like both the fandom (and the writers, to an extent) want to guilt you into not liking him.

That liking him is some moral failing on YOUR part? (Literally Ignoring the fact we've literally had a few years to grow attached pre-imposter syndrome and that he didn't just magically appear post-Chao Race Arc)

Yes, Starline sucks. Yes, he (in canon) used two random mobians for cyborg stuff. I know this. He's still an enjoyable character and I don't excuse his canon actions. It's even why in my own canon of him Imposter syndrome isn't canon.

I'm tired of the stress, man. I'm tired of not enjoying Starline. I haven't been able to properly enjoy him in a wile.

For my birthday I actually bought a Bad Guys physical copy!

And I have not touched it at all.

The stress of keeping up with this fandom has actually caused me literal anxiety shivers. I don't have fun any more. There's just.. too much discourse.

And I think it's best for me if I take a step back from it. At least.

So.. What Happens Now?

Well! What happens now is that I take a public step back from the fandom! Like I said I still very much enjoy Sonic.. I just don't think that enjoyment will be AS public any more. Gush about it with friends! Play the games! Draw art.. For Myself!

This doesn't mean I won't be keeping a close eye on my sonic moots (you haven't gotten rid of me JUST yet!) but it does mean I'll probably start blocking tags. Taking some breathing room. Finding that love for Sonic again on my OWN time. Be a lil selfish with it!

I still love and adore my ocs (and they'll still be around on Toyhouse and Art Fight!) But their stories are mine to share.. and sometimes I can just.. not share them!

What happens to this Blog?

SHIT MAN! I'll still be around! I probably just won't be posting in the sonic tag any time soon. I'm in OTHER fandoms right now (Nicktoons, Crash, Etc) If you like my writing and my art In THIS fandom surely you'll enjoy it in others!/pos

Even if those fandoms are more.. obscure to say the least? This Blog, at it's core, has always been ABOUT multifandom stuff and It feels like it's finally returning to that!

Nature is healing! KingMaxStatic is finally posting about WEIRD fandoms only 3 people know about again!!

What Happens To Starvoltz?

Though not an as.. urgent question. It's one I feel has held a lot of weight, at least to me. I know people are GENUINELY such big fans of Starvoltz and I think it's been the ONE BIG THING keeping me back from making me step back from the fandom...

So... I'm killing both Starline and Voltz off..../j (I would never)

I still LOVE and ADORE Starline and Voltz! They mean the world to me (and even the MOON to me!) But over the course of the past few months I've felt a nagging GUILT about them.. and I don't want to feel that anymore. I want to ADORE Starvoltz like I used to...

and In order for me to do that I GOTTA step back.

If you wanna get a lil cute about it, you can think about it like the two going on a honey moon or a vacation!

If you've made it thus far.. thank you. Genuinely. Thank you for understanding! I hope you understand. I love sonic, I will always love sonic. But I need my own space to love Sonic.

I suppose maybe like the main character I need to be free.

Free like the wind.

[evilbookworm]

Sending a take as a way of burning some goddamn sage for your blog lol, these milkmaids are sending meeeee

I am a gay man and I am telling you (milkmaids) right now, as has been said many times by many of us (bylers and generally sensible queers)

MEN DO NOT JUST LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT. In reference to the van scene and, well, just about every moment that Mike looks at Will. Will aside, since he's gay canon, Mike mirrors those same expression and at times is even more extreme in his drawn out, longing looks

This "making eyes" at someone is how gay people famously find their kind and especially find someone who's into them. Not only do we never (or rarely, I don't know the whole show off my head) see Mike have heart-to-hearts with Dustin or Lucas like he does with Will--Mike NEVER looks at them like he does Will.

And I will be fair, it is not since parts of S1 and some of S2 that we see Mike look at El like that. The thing is though: it's complicated, and the body of analysis is massive and I'm too long winded to bring it all up again. But yes, Mike had some longing looks of sorts with El, but consider her subtextual resemblance to Will, the fact she straight up looks like a boy most of the time, and that they are indeed fucking 12.

I had a huuuge crush on a girl in elementary school. Here's the rub: she was a major tomboy and I loved that about her. Funny, right? I liked so many things about her and she also looked a lot like a boy. And like Mike I would get upset and feel rejected when she was with other friends or didn't want to hang out with me anymore. Sounds familiar...because that's how Mike gets around Will

*Breathes* I just can't with these people coming to you with their blatant heterosexual-spiced ignorance for what the show presents to us. They legit are seeing what they want to see and disregarding the actions of the actors. A reminder, friends: this is a television show, a visual medium, you must watch the actors as much as, or more than, you listen to them.

I made a post once about how shipping is fine and it is fine to ship mileven on the basis of classical shipping. I say how Byler is a ship, sure, but it now a prediction and an actual analysis of the damn show. It's an "oh, this isn't some cute thing I wish would happen...this is like actually probably gonna happen."

They'll tell us we're just doing the same thing as them. "Seeing what we want to see." I don't scorn emotional responses because we are human after all, but it is so telling how upset some of them get when we very clearly present the hard facts about Mike's queer experience (alongside a CANON GAY BOY). Because, like us, they want their ship to be real, but I cannot help but see that their stomachs turn at the thought of their fave being a fag.

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE MILKVANS IN THE BACK!!!!

[persepinas]

I first joined the IWTV fandom 3 years after my father has passed away from a cancer that stole him away in 6 months, close to 7 months of fighting. He fought to stay with us. He fought because he didn't want to leave. He fought because he loved us more than he wanted to let go despite suffering so much.

After he passed away, I found myself reading and watching everything having to do with death. I had rewatched the entire series of Six Feet Under, Dead like Me and a few more shows about death. I had rewatched Buffy. I needed to connect to death. I needed to see grief and loss.

Then IWTV magically appeared before my eyes one day when I logged into my barely used Tumblr account. I was intrigued and excited. I had forgotten a new adaption was being made and I managed to get into the show by the time episode 3 of season 1 had aired. I watched and devoured every second and fell (fatally hehe) in love with this adaption and the characters and the way they showed death and grief. I was able to connect. It helped me along with my healing journey.

Once I began to write one of my fanfictions, Suckerpunch, I wrote out grief and loss and what it was like to live life while losing someone you loved. What it was like to miss them but continue to live every single day. How some days were normal and then others the grief would hit so hard you could barely breathe. How grief isn't linear. How the loss of those you love never truly leaves. You simply learn to live without them.

Writing was a large part of my healing. Writing Suckerpunch specifically helped me so much and I have talked about it before but it makes me feel like I did something good when others will read it and tell me they were moved or it helped them or anything similar to that. At least, for one moment in time, I did something, wrote something that could matter even if it was an alternate universe all human fic about the vampires Lestat and Louis.

But being in the IWTV fandom helped more. Meeting people I connected with helped. I was able to really find some beautiful souls and I was even able to meet them in person and go on vacation with some of them. So many beautiful memories. So much laughter. So many minutes lived.

And even on that trip, I took my father with me. I felt him in every step I took. I wished I could show him all the things I saw. I was there in father's day and I wished he were there for me to simply embrace and say I love you.

And it's why right now, six years after losing him, I sit here and I wonder what it would have been like had I not found this fandom and community. I do believe I'd have been so much lonlier. I do know for sure id have never returned to writing after such a long hiatus. I believe I wouldn't be this deep into my journey of understanding death and what it is like to grieve if it wasn't for IWTV and for The Vampire Chronicles as well.

Do you know what it means to be loved by death is a question asked and yes, I do know, and as painful as it is, it is the most beautiful sort of love as well because it goes on forever and never leaves. It is endless. It is eternal.

I love you, Papa.

[keepingitformyself]

but i am flesh and blood (and this flesh has needs)

A/N: THE GIRLS ARE BACK!!!!!

synopsis: if it wasn’t for the crash, you wouldn’t have ever known of the quiet thing that bubbled for you inside of lottie matthews. the worst part, you can’t decide if it would’ve been better if you never knew at all.

word count: 5.4k

pairings: lottie matthews x reader

genre: typical lottie matthews as a cannibalistic cult leader behavior.

warnings: cult themes, cannibalism, dark behavior

MASTERLIST

please do not repost my work anywhere for any reason at all. if you do see this happen to any of my stories, please let me know. thank you x.

lottie had always been the careful kind. she knew how to mask things well, how to give just enough before pulling away. but the softness she carried around you was constant, ever-present. maybe you never noticed it at the time. to be fair, she did always try to be subtle.

she had this quiet, unspoken thing for you. nothing overtly showy, very casual. it wasn’t ever meant to be obvious.

but she’d ask questions about your favorite things, in a way that felt like she was trying to understand you. she’d laugh at your jokes with a little more enthusiasm, but it was always very below the surface.

lottie would have never done anything about it. maybe. she liked having control over it in the ways she could control it. though she’d wish sometimes for you to see it first. to see her for what she felt. but you never did.

so, if she did like you, you probably wouldn’t have known it. maybe you were just too busy with your own feelings to ever pick it up.

she just always seemed otherworldly to you. you play for the same team, sure. but she was on a completely different status. lottie was rich, gorgeous, popular, and a star athlete….and you were just… you.

even when you knew lottie didn’t care much about those things. that popularity was the last thing on her mind, and that she only ever really cared about was playing some damn good soccer.

so yes, maybe you did have a quiet longing for lottie matthews. maybe it was admiration. maybe you were a little embarrassed about it. but it’s not like you’d ever do anything about it. you were perfectly content in keeping her in the little bubble you created just for her in your head.

the truth is, lottie had always been different with you. in a way that never came off too strong. in a way that was easy to miss.

it was in the way she’d stay up with you on bus rides home from a game out of town. how when you were once stuck in a rainstorm together and your clothes were soaked through, how she pulled you under a bus stop to keep you out of the rain. then how she wordlessly laid her sweater over your shoulders. like she’d give you everything she had without hesitation.

you just never saw it. you weren’t meant to.

and maybe lottie would have never confessed to you had the crash never happened. had you all made it to nationals and made it back home safely. lottie would have probably let it build, what she had for you. maybe she’d try to learn what do with what she felt for you.

maybe, lottie had convinced herself that what she already had with you was enough for her.

but that was before.

that pull she would come to acknowledge, the one that could only ever exist out there. in the wilderness. would be the thing that makes everything slip.

now, everything has changed.

the crash changed everything.

without any structure of your old world, the rules, the fear of what things should be, lottie doesn’t care. because out there, in the wilderness she doesn’t have to be subtle, she doesn’t have to hold back.

because out there, what was stopping her?

pre-crash, you always thought lottie was kind of a strange thing, but it was never in a super off-putting way. maybe more nuanced, as if she had something to hide. she was just too kind, too quiet for the average rich popular athlete at wiskayok. though, you suppose maybe that’s your fault for stereotyping.

but maybe you were right in your speculation.

within the first week in the wilderness she’s constantly wandering off, she sneaks up on you when you’re out scavenging, and sometimes you catch her thinking too hard as if something was in her mind speaking to her.

the team calls her weird, to quit talking if she isn’t gonna say anything helpful. especially taissa, who’s constantly firing down anything lottie has to say or everytime she mentions having a ‘bad feeling.’

and in a way, you do feel really bad, but lottie’s strange comments only make you more scared. you do try, in some way, to reassure lottie that everything is fine. you tell her with a encouraging smile that she’s just stressed and her mind is just making up falsities from having little to no food in her system.

but unbeknownst you, you have no idea of the war that’s been going on in lottie’s head. that she’s frightened over the fact that she only packed enough medication for a weekend. that she’s long since ran out. and that she’s already starting to feel the psychological withdrawal of no longer having anything to ground her.

especially after the incident in the cabin attic. when she banged her head on the glass window, then giggled to herself as she gripped shauna’s arm. whispering something to her about how, “it’s in you already.”

what it is? you don’t really know.

but it fucking scared you.

you see the small change in lottie shortly after she goes to laura lee for help. she seems in a way more tamed, or at least more comfortable with whatever situation she was having.

it doesn’t last very long though.

not after everyone witnesses laura lee’s fatal death in how the planes flames swallowed her whole. the plane in which she planned to get everyone the help they needed with.

a part of you can’t help but think that it all felt sort of like an omen. like a sign.

lottie is awfully quiet that night, everyone sort of is. you find her by the lake in the evening, not having had moved since witnessing laura lee’s brutal ending.

you approach her where she’s sitting with her knees to her chest. her head makes a slight turn to acknowledge you, but she doesn’t say a word.

“…lottie?”

her mouth opens and closes but she never says anything. you figure she’s still in shock, so you wait patiently beside her until she does say something.

“it didn’t want her to leave,” she whispers, you almost don’t hear it.

you turn to her, questioning, “what?”

she finally looks at you, and you see just how scared she is.

“it didn’t want us to leave.” and you really don’t want to, but you believe her.

she exhales, her hands start to tremble, and you don’t even think before you try to reach for her. she clings to you immediately.

in any other context lottie might’ve enjoyed the way your arms circled around her. but all she can think about now is how the one person who was helping her tame this thing inside of her is gone. and how she’s now having to fight it alone.

after that, lottie starts changing in a ways she doesn’t try to hide anymore.

you don’t mind it, not really, but she’s so intense. she’s already intense about everything, but especially about you.

things start slow with her. but she’s very much there. you think you feel her or you feel something. either way it’s slow moving, like a small buzz behind your ear.

she gifts you weird little artifacts she finds, coddles you, makes sure you’re well fed even when she’s not. and even when you tell the others you’re gonna go down to the lake for some fresh air, she’s immediately at her feet suggesting she comes with you.

you don’t know how to tell her no. you don’t want to. especially with the look she gives you. so, you just smile and nod. and it’s not like spending time with lottie is bad. in fact, she’s in such a good mood. and you like lottie in a good mood.

she’s pulling you through the wilderness, leading you both, constantly looking back at you with a smile on her face. and you can’t help but think, that even under such circumstances, lottie is quite ethereal. that she’s still untouchable in a way that makes your chest tighten.

so, you spend a whole afternoon at the lake. you try not to think too much of the effect lottie has on you when she strips down to just her undergarments. quietly exchanging looks with you as she does.

then there’s this moment between you.

you both just float in the middle of the lake, everything is quiet except for the occasional ripple of movement in the water.

then you feel it, feel her stare on you.

you’re looking off into the distance when you catch her eyes, already locked on you. lottie doesn’t look away.

you feel your stomach do a little flip. “what?” you ask, trying to laugh off the awkwardness creeping up your back.

she doesn’t answer. she just keeps looking, a smile growing slow and knowing as she stares. like she’s waiting for something.

you don’t know what to do. you feel the heat creep up to your ears, so you giggle, shaking your head at her. then she laughs too, soft at first until it grows into something that rings through the trees.

then one night, as everyone was busy with their own conversation, and as the fire crackled low, you could feel her eyes on you. the light casting shadows on her face. and in some ways, maybe you still see pieces of her old self showing.

lottie doesn’t say anything for a long moment. then when she does it’s soft, unsure.

“i didn’t think we’d end up here.”

you don’t say anything. not at first. unsure of what she meant. maybe she meant the crash, or maybe something else entirely.

lottie shifts in her seat, her movements slow, deliberate. she wasn’t coming off too strong, not yet. but she was there, just close enough for you to feel the pull. there was something in the way she looked at you. almost predatory, but gentle. like she was waiting for you to take the first step, to invite her in.

“you’ve changed,” you said mostly to yourself, but she heard it.

“have i?” her voice is soft, almost teasing, and yet there’s an edge to it. a low hum. “maybe we all have. or maybe i’m just showing you who i really am.”

her lips twitched, and you could swear she wasn’t smiling. but there was something in the way her gaze lingered on you that made your heart beat a little faster.

and then the events of doomcoming happen.

the thing with travis happens. you, like everyone else was pulled into the madness, the hunger. the wild energy of the moment. the thing that consumed you all.

you’d become something completely different. or you almost did. it scared you in a way, but felt so freeing. like nothing had mattered except the raw, primal need that was in everyone.

you weren’t immune to it at all. not as much as you would’ve like to had been. it wasn’t even about travis in those moments. it was about what everyone had almost done. what you had almost become.

when lottie kisses travis, you don’t know what to think. but you know immediately, that it isn’t some kiss of affection, or lust, or longing. it was something purely primal.

he was just a vessel to whatever she was trying to get a hold of. a conduit. a way to touch that part of herself that was fueled by the hunger and dark energy that has defined her since the crash.

it happens so quickly even then. and even when it happens her gaze finds yours. almost something like an apology, you think. but you know there was something more to it.

but the fear still twisted in your gut. because how does one explain what happened that night? how do you say you all got high on shrooms and nearly ate travis to bits?

in that moment you thank god for natalie disrupting when she did. for fighting shauna off before she cut travis up. before lottie could encourage her.

you don’t know how to face her after that.

not when the power she had over herself and over you was terrifying.

lottie never says anything about the kiss with travis. she doesn’t explain it, doesn’t justify it. instead, she shows you.

she finds you the night after doomcoming. when the night has settled over the cabin, and everyone has mostly gone to bed. you’re sitting in front of the fireplace, you don’t flinch when you feel her sit next to you.

“you’re quiet,” her voice is low, just above a whisper.

“mmm nothing to say.”

you don’t ever look to face her, but you feel her watching you. not just watching, more measuring, knowing.

all she does is hum in reply before she shifts closer to you, until you feel the heat of her body against yours.

she doesn’t need to say anything, because in a way you know. whatever fucked up dynamic has been created between you is enough for you to know.

because the way she’s with you is different.

different in a way you don’t know how to justify, and you know it’s not good, but you also know it’s all you really have.

and you know lottie, maybe not this version of her but you know enough to know that she wouldn’t actually hurt you.

not if she’s coming in to check up on you over some stupid kiss with a guy.

everything comes like a wave when it comes to lottie. it hits you hard, and you never really know what to expect.

two days later, lottie officially confesses to you.

you’re sitting by the porch as you stare off into the trees, quietly thinking of everything you don’t understand. you hear shauna in the distance cutting up rations of the bear-sacrifice. you think things couldn’t be shittier, but at least there’s food to eat.

you don’t hear lottie walk up, but you felt her the moment she stepped outside. like the pull that you can’t explain, the one that has kept you from fully staying away from her. you glance over and see her standing there for a moment before she lowers herself beside you on the porch.

you meet her eyes, and there’s something different in them. not the wild hunger you’ve grown used to, not that primal need you’ve felt too many times to ignore, but something quieter, almost hesitant.

it’s like she’s holding back a part of herself, unsure of how much to give or what exactly she’s trying to say.

she stays silent for a while. it’s like she’s waiting for permission to speak or maybe just a sign to know you’re ready for what she’s about to say.

like she’s trying to make this conversation something that’s real, and not just the aftermath of something that swallowed you whole.

she looks unsure, as if she’s even allowed to feel what she feels, unsure if she should even be able to ask for what she really wants.

if she’s earned the right to be soft with you in this way.

it’s like she’s realized how much she’s messed everything up, but still, desperately wanting, to make it right. to make this, whatever “this” is, something that doesn’t have to be another instinct to survive.

she glances at you again, switching between glancing at the ground and you. you don’t look at her until you hear her speak.

“i never really knew how badly i wanted to know you.” she whispered, her voice dipping lower, softer. she looked off to the side, as if looking at you would make her take back her words and go back inside. “not just know you, but…” her words trailed off but the implication of her words weren’t lost on you.

the following days she lingers near you, always close, always watching. lottie always lingered and watched though, but it felt different now.

there was something intoxicating about it. about her. the tilt of her head, studying you under that gaze of hers. like some divine creature was before her. something to be worshipped.

and then with that hunger in her eyes. raw and overwhelming. it made your breath hitch in your throat, and made you wonder how much of the girl you once knew still remained beneath the one she had become.

you’re conflicted on whether you should let her in or continue to give her a wider berth. but you no longer know where that line even is.

she’s whispering to herself all the time, staring off into the darkness of the wilderness. likes she’s become a vessel to something no one really understands. and it freaks you out. it freaks everyone out.

it doesn’t help that everyone is so hungry. that everyone is so moody because they’re hungry. you feel like your stomach is constantly trying to eat itself. and there’s a point when you find the remaining bones of a rat carcass behind some of the drawers, you almost consider chewing on it.

natalie and travis go out hunting nearly everyday. but their luck remains low when everyone starts to realize the winter is coming, and most animals are starting to go into hibernation.

when jackie dies, you cry. you start to feel yourself unravel. like you’ve just lost another piece of yourself and you don’t know how much more you can take. but when lottie tells you, “it wasn’t meant to be. she was always meant to stay here.” you babble into her shoulder, even if you know it’s wrong, you nod anyway.

you let her hold you as she leads you somewhere into the woods, as she presses her cold fingers into your temple, and you let her murmur something holy into your skin.

then when you get back to the cabin you hold shauna as the aftermath of the death of her best friend settles. you let her grieve for two months.

and then you all decide to eat jackie taylor.

weeks later, you follow lottie out one night. when everyone in the cabin is in a deep sleep, a night where you’re just on the brink of succumbing but never do. you knew lottie was still up, you could feel how her eyes would drift from you and to the window looking outside.

when you hear her quietly sneak out through the door you wait a few moments before following her out.

you shiver as soon as you step out. immediately wrapping your arms around yourself to conserve any warmth.

and you find lottie staring at the sky, the trees, everything. as if something unseen was looking back at her. she hadn’t looked at you yet, but you knew she knew you were there. maybe that was her plan all along? to have you follow her out here.

you walk until you land right next to her, following her eyes to whatever is ahead. and maybe you feel whatever she’s seeing too. maybe you feel the way it’s demanding to be seen. but you’re not sure it’s something you’re entirely afraid of anymore.

“you can feel it too, can’t you?” she says, her voice low. she wasn’t talking about how cold it was outside, she was talking about something else.

“i’ve been feeling it,” she continued, unable to tear her eyes away from whatever is ahead of her. “i don’t know how to stop it.”

and you don’t know why you even say what you say, “you don’t need to stop it.” and you don’t know what you even mean when you say it.

maybe because a part of you felt safe knowing lottie seemed fine with letting it in. that maybe it was okay to give in.

lottie smiled then, but it wasn’t shy, it was a smile that didn’t entirely feel like her. it was too confident, too knowing. her hands brushed against yours, just a touch, but it felt like being lit on fire. and then lottie was closer, a lot closer, her face just inches from yours.

“you don’t have to be afraid of it,” she whispered. “you don’t have to be afraid of me.” and you do believe her, in some messed up way you do.

“i won’t take unless you give.” she whispers against your lips.

you feel her fingertips brushing your jaw slowly. her eyes switching between your lips and your eyes. but there’s something about the way she looks at you, like she already knows the answer, or maybe it’s the fact that you do want this. that in ways you can’t explain, you crave her.

then she kisses you, and you let her.

and it’s soft and slow at first. but lottie feels no hesitation once you’ve already given her the go. her hand slides to the back of your neck, deepening the kiss. and as her lips move against yours you wonder why it took so long for you to let this happen. when it felt this good.

when she pulls away, lottie doesn’t go very far. she presses her forehead against yours, as she stares at you through her eyelashes. her breath hitting your lips as she exhales out. the smile on her face is unmistakable. you kiss her again.

after that lottie realizes you’re more malleable to her influence. more than you’d like to admit. you tell yourself nothing will change. that you won’t lose yourself in the way lottie has.

because it’s scary. it looks unhealthy and not real. like all it is, is some brief relief from how horrible everything is.

but lottie is damn good at persuading you. with her comforting touches, and hushed whispers, the way she looks at you. primal and unabashedly. she tells you things that don’t completely make sense. the whispers of “it” and how it wants you, that it “wants us.” in her words.

then she starts to persuade you, making you choose to follow her path, that “it” shows her things. she doesn’t explicitly say it but you know she means you.

but you feel it too. in a way that’s both frightening yet calming all the same. and you feel it in the way lottie touches you. because everything is so cold, in the middle of nowhere, in the winter. and all you can think of when she holds you is how warm she is. how you don’t mind anything as long as you stay here with her.

and then maybe you do let her in. maybe you do let her consume you. because jesus, you’re so hungry, so desperate, and hanging on to any last bit of hope you can find. and lottie is basically offering that to you with a hand held out.

so you let her. because you need something too. something that doesn’t just feel like some instinct to survive but also something that feels like it’s an escape from the instinct to survive. but maybe they’re the same thing when it comes to lottie. but maybe you don’t care.

sometimes you still feel like yourself though, sometimes you feel that old part of you creep out. you notice it when lottie doesn’t entirely feel like lottie. when she says things, in a way that don’t entirely feel like her. when she acts in ways the old lottie wouldn’t. but you agree. you smile and nod and agree.

because when has she ever been wrong?

because hasn’t she kept you safe?

and when she kisses you, when she pulls you into her arms, you don’t think about wanting to pull away.

you stopped wanting to.

one day you realize you don’t even question her anymore. you don’t even think about what any of it means before you act. before you follow along like some loyal servant.

when she beckons you into the woods to follow her, you listen. you sit with her in the snow, and listen to the trees, the wind, and when she asks, “do you feel it?”

you do.

even if you don’t.

because she does.

and isn’t that enough?

maybe lottie did feel bad. she does. she felt horrible for how much she’s changed you. she convinced herself it’s all been in the name of keeping you safe. because it is. that’s how it was always meant to be. but the thing inside her didn’t stop there.

it was thrilled with how you looked at her. how you believed her. how you believed in her. and lottie, god that’s all lottie has wanted. for you to see her for what she felt.

sometimes when it’s quiet, when the snow has stilled, she’ll look over at you and see glimpses of the girl she’s crushed on since junior year. the girl who thought superstitions were stupid, the girl who humbled natalie when she got too cocky, the girl who she would willingly give her jacket to if it were raining.

she imagines what it would’ve been like to really know that version of you that hasn’t existed in so long. she wonders if or when this whole thing is over if you’d ever get a semblance of your old self back. if you’d ever let her stick around to see it.

by the time lottie asks you something you haven’t thought of in a while, you’re already too deep in.

“do you ever wonder?” her voice quiet, the fire from the chimney crackled in the background. “what would have happened if the plane didn’t crash?”

it’s not meant to be a trick question. she just needs to know if you’ve felt it. if you’ve ever ached for something you never got the chance to have, like she has.

and the hard truth is, you haven’t in months. because it’s been so long, and thinking of anything outside this place hurts you.

so you say, “i think i used to.” as you stare off into the space as if there was some distant memory being shown to you. then you turn to look at her, “do you?”

it surprises you when she says she does, “i do.” lottie nods. “but then i stop. i realize it wouldn’t change anything by thinking about it.”

“what do you hope would be different?” you ask her. you’re sitting close, the way you always do now. knees brushing, hands only inches apart.

lottie shrugs, and reaches for your hand to rub. a quiet telling of how she truly doesn’t know what a softer version of all of this would be like. if it would even happen. “i would just hope this...that we would’ve found each other either way.”

her fingers lace through yours, her grip gentle. “maybe it would’ve been different,” she continues, “softer, easier…but you’d still be you. and i’d still be me.”

it’s not supposed to be a demand. the way lottie says it. just a thing she feels. a truth given freely. a hope that maybe there’s a version of you both where your luck could have been kinder. where you both weren’t something carved out by the wilderness, something that wasn’t forged out of desperation and survival. another version of you where it could have been a choice.

lottie watches you, she feels the weight of your hand in hers, the heat of you beside her. she has you now, that’s enough right?

but lottie wonders, she wonders of a life where the plane had landed safely, went to nationals, won or lost, then came home.

a life where she could have courted you the way you deserved, where you’d kiss her drunkenly at parties. where the only thing you had to worry about was high school graduation and how you’d make it work if you were gonna do long distance.

something that could have unraveled naturally, soft, innocent. through stolen glances and shy confessions, rather than in the existence of blood and fear.

she looks at you again, then laughs, then you look at her. she finds it all ironic, that she’s silently grieving a life that won’t even happen.

lottie wont tell you why she laughed. you don’t deserve that. she doesn’t want to make you sad. it’s not fair. not when it’s something that isn’t real. this is real.

her hands find your face. they’re surprisingly warm, you find yourself thinking.

“i love you,” she says instead. it’s the first time she’s said it. your mouth opens slightly. lottie knows immediately what it looks like. like something built from hunger and fear. in desperation.

but it’s not.

she continues before you can start, “i love you not because i have to.” her voice is steady. “not because you keep me sane.”

her thumbs brush over your cheekbones, tracing the shape of you, like she’s trying to memorize you by touch.

“if we had never crashed, if we were just—” she exhales, shaking her head, “if things were normal, it wouldn’t have changed anything. i still would’ve loved you. you have to know that.”

and lottie probably sounds insane. (what’s new?) maybe it’s naive, maybe even delusional. but somehow, it’s the one thing that has felt real to her, the one thing that feels certain.

because it isn’t like she hasn’t thought it over a million times in her head. she’s imagined a version where she had told you earlier, where the plane still would have crashed. the only difference is that maybe she would have had a little more time to be with you in a way that was just yours.

but the wilderness…the wilderness would have still bound you together, would have still tangled you up in something inescapable. it was merely the thing that ensured you were fated.

so if the plane hadn’t crashed? if the choice had been there? if she had gotten to love you the way you both deserved?

of course, it still would have happened.

because if it was meant to be in this version, in a life shaped by tragedy, then why wouldn’t it be meant to be in one where things were soft? where things were right?

before lottie could muster up the courage to tell you any of this, before she could even move, before you can even say you love her back. there’s a crackling sound heard, a sharp heat felt amongst the cold.

first there’s the smell of smoke.

then someone screams.

lottie and you both turn, the cabin is burning.

flames consume the walls, swallowing the only place that has kept them alive, the last place that has ever felt like a shelter to them, a home. everything is too quick for them to comprehend. too fast for them to even mourn the fact that the cabin was burning.

but you’re next to her. alive. breathing. and when lottie turns to you she waits for the devastation to hit, but it never does. at least not in the way she expects.

maybe the cabin was never going to last forever. maybe nothing ever does. maybe the only thing that really matters is what remains once everything else is gone.

and what remains is you.

lottie reaches for you, her hand wrapped in yours grounding her in the only thing that has felt real. the only thing that still exists in this moment, untouched by fire and ruin.

in the middle of the chaos, in the middle of the freezing cold, while everyone watches in horror as the flames completely swallow the cabin, you finally say it.

“i love you.”

it’s quiet, but certain. like it’s been your truth waiting to be spoken. lottie’s breath catches.

it shouldn’t matter. it felt selfish that this was the only thing lottie seemed to care about in the moment, but she didn’t care. even if their world was quite literally going up in flames. but it does. god, it does.

lottie exhales, squeezing your hand in hers as she brings her forehead to yours. despite every fucked up thing happening around them, you both manage to muster up a smile.

“i love you, too.”

and maybe one day when everything is better, when the wilderness isn’t something that weighs on you. when hunger is the last thing on your mind, maybe she’d tell you all about it. about the life she imagined, the one that could have been. the happier ending, with a choice.

but not tonight.

tonight the only thing that matters is making it through another night.

and then one more, and then another. until the spring comes.

[quiet-night-sky-writers-blog]

Bittersweet

Pairing: Marc Spector x fem!Reader

Rating: 18+

Word count: 1.6k

Summary: often events that are supposed to be joyful cause us to have ambivalent feelings. A small story about the bittersweet day of your and Marc's chuppah (Jewish wedding ceremony).

Warnings: Marc's being anxious, mention of mental health issues, tiny mention of sex, hurt/comfort.

Author's note: reader isn't necessarily Jewish, she can profess any religion or no religion at all. I have a headcanon that Marc is religious at heart and his origin is important to him, so reader might have agreed to have this ceremony for him.

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You're standing in front of a large mirror, leisurely getting into your wedding dress. It's quite simple and modest, but very elegant - you're happy with your choice.

The sound of approaching footsteps makes you smile. Custom dictated that the bride and groom should spend some time apart before getting married, but you both didn't welcome the thought of separation:  you already were often away from each other when Marc went on missions that could sometimes last a whole week.

Feeling the weightless touch of his fingertips on your naked lower back, you close your eyes. Marc starts doing up the buttons of your dress; it turns out to be not so easy, because he's rather nervous - his trembling hands betray him, but he doesn't give up. When he finally manages his task, his gaze meets yours in the reflection.

You're stunningly beautiful, and in your shining eyes, which are looking at him now, there's so much love that his heart sinks.

- I still can't believe that today I'm marrying you, - he says barely audibly, - I'm a lucky son of a bitch.

- Well, - you purr, leaning your back against his chest; his strong arms wrap around your waist, - I'm marrying the best man in the world today, so I know exactly how you feel.

Your words put on his face one of those rare smiles you love so much, and you warmly smile back at him.

As you continue your preparations, you examine the contents of your jewellery box; out of the corner of your eye, you notice Marc lingering by the mirror, adjusting his kippah.

- Can't pin it properly... - he mumbles in response to your unspoken question.

- Will you let me help you? - you offer gingerly.

The man sits down on the edge of the bed. You find a pair of invisible hairpins and carefully attach the headdress to his hair.

- That's it, - you gently brushed a stray strand from his forehead and cradled his face in your warm palms. Marc, looking up at you, darkens a little again. Anxiety clutched at your throat.

- My love, what is it? - he shakes his head.

- Are you really sure? That... that you want this.

You sink down on his knee.

- I've never been so sure of anything. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, - after a little silence, you add, - I love you. You know that, right?

After a moment's hesitation, Marc nods. You gently press your lips to his.

You decided that you would confine yourself only to the ceremony in the synagogue. It wasn't that Marc insisted: this man would have granted any wish you had. But you knew that if you decided to have a lavish celebration with family and friends, he just wouldn't have anyone to invite. And, besides, large crowds made him almost physically uncomfortable.

Marc was deeply worried that you were losing something very important because of him, but in fact, you were not the least bit upset by this option - this day was to belong to just the two of you, and that was beautiful.

Finally it happens. You patiently wait while the ketubah, the marriage contract, is signed. Marc lowers the veil, that was previously pulled back, over your face; you know how much meaning there is in this seemingly simple gesture: it is as if he is promising to always protect and defend you from all the bad things in the world. In the synagogue courtyard, under the open sky, you stand under the chuppah. The rabbi pronounces a blessing over a glass of wine, from which each of the two of you takes a sip afterwards. Your almost-husband puts a ring on your index finger. The sheva brachot, the seven wedding blessings, are recited.

When the ceremony is over, you two have a brief moment of privacy in the designated room, where has been prepared a simple repast.

- Come here, - Marc exhales, dragging you along with him and closing the door. He cups your face with his palms and greedily kisses you.

- My love, - you whisper against his lips, - I realise there are no wedding vows here. I just want to tell you something.

Slightly pulling away, Marc intently looks into your eyes.

- I know you're not an ordinary person. And I know that sometimes you think you're hard to love. That you don't deserve anything good. But... I hope you know that, and I want you to remember that always. I love you. With all my heart. And loving you is as natural to me as breathing. I will always love you. Until my last sigh. I promise you that. You deserve the whole world. And every day of my life I will do my best to make you happy.

Marc is keeping silent, not moving and practically not breathing. He is trying to realise these words, to feel them, to accept them with every cell of his body, with every corner of his soul. You see the moisture glistening in the corners of his eyes, and your heart melts. You kiss him again.

When you get home, it's like Marc's going crazy. He kisses you fiercely, almost roughly, literally ripping your wedding dress off in spurts.

- I need you. Now, - he growls muffledly.

In the next moment you already find yourself in bed.

- I need you, - he repeats, his hot breath scorching your neck. Three of his fingers are already moving rhythmically inside you as his palm presses against your swollen clit. You arch your back and spread your legs wider.

- I'm here, - you moan, running your fingers through his pitch-black curls, - I'm yours.

He rarely fucks you really harshly; it's usually when his emotions are literally tearing him apart from the inside out, and he just needs to give them some kind of outlet. You know that. And, oddly enough, that's exactly what's happening right now.

An excruciatingly intense orgasm overtakes you embarrassingly quickly. Marc follows you, filling you to the brim, drops his head on your chest and stills, seeming to calm down at last.

Coming round a little, you affectionately stroke his shoulders and back. He lifts his head and meets your gaze.

- Are you okay? - you two ask in unison.

- I'm great, - you give him a warm smile, - and you? You were so nervous today...

Marc frowns.

- Damn... it's so obvious?

Of course it's obvious, but you don't want to upset him any worse.

- My love, I can feel you after all, - you answer softly.

In the middle of the night you wake up because you feel that Marc is no longer next to you.

He's sitting on the edge of the mattress, slouching and dropping his head. Snuggling against his strong, broad back, you kiss his shoulder.

- Hey... what is it?

- Bad dream.

Taking a deep breath, you finally ask him the question that's bothering you so much.

- Why is our wedding so stressful for you?

- Sorry... Just don't think... I don't...

- My love, - you stop him, - you don't need to apologise or make excuses for your feelings. I just want to understand.

Marc remains silent for a few moments, gathering his thoughts so he can produce something more coherent this time, and then he utters, trying to make his voice sound as calm as possible.

- I knew I wanted to be with you from the beginning. That I wanted you to be mine. I'm not scared of marriage, damn, I desired it more than anything in the world. I bought an engagement ring for you six months ago, and all this time I've dreamed of putting it on your finger. The only thing I'm terrified of is losing you. I'm afraid I'll screw up and you'll leave me. Afraid that something bad will happen to you and I won't be able to protect you. That's what happened in the dream. I... I couldn't…

Your heart clenches painfully in your chest. You know where his fears come from. You know how traumatised he is. At times like these, you feel his pain as your own, and you're overcome with despair at the realisation that there is little you can do to help, because you are not living in a fairy tale where love conquers all; you understand that someone so deeply wounded needs professional help to heal.

And yet love, your love is so necessary for him. And it's necessary for him to know that you won't leave him.

- There are things I could never forgive. Infidelity, abuse, or something else just as horrible. But I believe that nothing like that will ever happen in our relationship. And I believe that you will always protect me if the need arises. You are my shelter from all the adversity in this world. I feel so calm, so safe, when you are around... And I'm so grateful to you for that.

Marc turns his head and looks at you attentively.

- I'm here, Marc. I'm with you. And I'm not going anywhere.

He gently takes your hand in his and kisses the back of your palm.

- I love you so much... - he whispers; you hear the carefully concealed break in his voice, and you embrace him tighter, resting your head on his shoulder.

- I know, my love.

Silence envelops the two of you for a few moments, only the gusts of wind outside the window can be heard: it, as well as your husband, cannot calm down on this cloudy, chilly night.

- Will you be able to fall asleep now? - your fingertips stroke the back of his neck, burrowing into his thick, pitch-black curls and gently massaging his occiput - you know it relaxes him.

Clasping his eyes in pleasure, Marc keeps silent for a moment, and then sighs.

- I'll try.

━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ❖ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━

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[storiesbyjes2g]

3.218 Giving me life

The next day, I made a point to get up extra early so we wouldn't have another frantic mad-dash out the door. That kind of stress isn't good for anyone. I took a long, hot shower, did my hair, and put thought into my outfit vs. just grabbing something. I went to get Desi up, but as always, she had already beaten me to it. She was playing in her room, so I left her to make breakfast. We enjoyed a nice, slow morning, just like in the old days, but something troubled me. I had another nightmare. This time aliens abducted me, and they did all kinds of experiments on me while I was still conscious; it was terrible. I know it's natural to have lingering stress after a traumatic event, but the trouble I felt didn't seem related to the fire. The heaviness around me felt more unsettled than fear or panic. Deep down, waaaay in the crevices of my subconscience, I knew what plagued me, but I hadn't allowed myself to address it. The fire trauma was just the mechanism used to get my attention, and now, with all these nightmares haunting me, I can't ignore it. I kept telling myself I wasn't ready and stuffed those thoughts in the farthest parts of my mind, but I should have known they would come back to bite me. I need to visit the cemetery.

The groundskeeper threw away all the flowers and candles we had left at each visit; that's how long it had been. I was so ashamed at the sight. Their name plates were all dusty, and my grandparents' were barely legible from being covered in dirt. I knelt in front of Mama and wiped away the dust.

"I'm sorry, Mama. I didn't think I was ready to see you, so I kept putting it off. But days turned to weeks, and weeks into months, and here I am."

"So many things remind me of you, and I can't stand it. But I love it too. You're unforgettable, not that anyone could ever forget their mother. I don't know what I'm saying... Desiree is so big now. We had a fire at our house, and she's still pretty rattled, so I don't think bringing her here will be a good idea right now, but as soon as she's ready, I will."

"Less' kids are great. A little rambunctious, but great. And she's excellent with them, too. You would be so proud of her. I bought a duplex in San Sequoia so she could live next door. It's been great. I'm doing what you asked: taking care of my sister."

"Long time ago, you told me to find someone who fits into my life who I can't live without. Every day, Sophia shows me how there is no one else in this world who could have given me such a wonderful life. I may have had a lot of insecurities about relationships early on, but I never forgot what you told me. I always thanked Dad and gave him credit for getting me from a boy to a man, but I never gave you credit for giving me a framework to guide me. So...yeah. Thanks."

"It looks like it's gonna rain soon, so I guess I'll get out of here. Hopefully, you'll be able to see this before it goes out. I'm lighting a candle, so you'll know I was here. I love you, Mama, and I wish you could see how wonderful my life is. We've had lots of challenges, but I wouldn't trade any of it. I miss you. I'll see you soon."

I stood there in silence, remembering our good times and feeling grateful for the wisdom my parents bestowed upon me. An odd surge of energy coursed through my body, and I knew for sure this visit was what I'd been needing. The truth behind my procrastination is simple: I didn't want to feel broken again. Grieving my parents, especially Mama, drained me, and I felt like I would never be whole again. I hated that feeling and didn't want to experience it again. But standing there, holding that candle, thinking about my beautiful mother gave me life.

I put down the candle and started to leave. Just before I reached the exit, I heard, "Wait! I'm here!"

"Me too," another echoed voice said.

Both of them?? What are the odds?

All at once, I was a little kid again, happy and excited about hanging out with his parents. Mama wanted to know about the duplex, so I started from the very beginning with Dub moving to San Sequoia and buying his house. I rambled on and on about that, and the money tree, and our vacations, and Desi getting into yoga, and my SimTube channel... I felt like Chi Chi had possessed me, ha ha. Talking to them again filled me with such delight.

I thought hearing about everything they missed might upset them, but my life events elated them. I swear, with every story I told, Mama got more and more pumped up. By the time I was done, she was squealing with excitement. I guess when you live a full life like she did, you don't feel like you're missing out when you die. You just cheer on everyone as you watch them grow. That's a life lesson right there.

"I'm so proud of you," Dad said.

Hearing those words again healed my soul. I tend to think I live right and make good decisions, but receiving affirmation that I'm on the right track never gets old. I'm really glad I came.