#i wish we'd been able to get a stream but i also do kind of think this was the perfect ending of that arc

[soulfireblue]

sorry i haven't been around btw; everything going down with the qsmp happened during tech week and performances for theatre, and then i had finals, but i've missed being around and hope everyone is doing well <3 super excited to see the egg admins and streamers staying in touch! that makes me so happy and i'm really glad we've gotten to witness that. i've missed everyone on tumblr too <3

[single-malt-scotch]

w the last of the episodes for the crossover rolling in i just wanted to write a mega long blog about my thoughts from the past two months of it!

well the last two months has certainly been a Lot more than i expected, after thinking i wasnt going to follow the crossover too hard. but i guess it was hard to avoid if i wanted to watch any new content from the people i typically watch so.... yeah, i mean i dont regret that nor did i dislike doing that-- the Empires server was certainly not my type of thing but i managed to find people i enjoyed watching, and has people got more comfortable i was more eager to see them play together anyways.

it seemed like the last two months were a bit chaotic in many ways though- its a shame some folk didnt get videos out due to being sick, but there was so much happening anyways i think i would have felt even more overwhelmed if there was much more happening already.

but anyways... on the specific sides of the crossover and what my take away has been...

I have come away from Empires with a few new subscriptions- primarily i expect to check in w people like fwhip and pixlriffs, i enjoyed their styles and the way they leaned a little less on in character banter and their live streams were things i popped into during all this. there are people i dont think ill watch consistently but i enjoyed their personalities a lot- mythicalsausage being one for sure, and there were definitely others i found very funny alongside other players too. overall it was great exposure, even if i dont expect myself to watch loads of new people now, i do look forward to potential collaborations.

For the first half of the crossover i really loved the concept of the hermit tower, and a giant collab between everyone was really great to see- my only gripe is that i wish we actually got to see some of the planning and discussion around the conclusion they came out. i think early on i mentioned collabs, and how in old smp i loved the live building/planning together. while i get a lot of that is cut for videos, i think wished we'd seen a bit of it in streams or something- most streams i watched (and i did catch a lot) had people on their lonesome when adding to the tower. despite that- its not to say it was a bad idea, it was fun see everyone make that monstrosity. Everyone meshed pretty well with the RPing side of the empires in a way that wasnt unnatural, and i liked seeing some folk get more into it as well. i know i tend to say i dont like "RP" in mcyt, but it just has to do w the audience intended, or their style. Empires has a variety of tone.... some ppl are very aimed at children, some not as much. so it just depends on who I want to deal with lol.

the timing of going back to HC was well timed because i was definitely at the point of wanting to see normal HC again. and while it felt shorter (even though it wasnt, exactly- maybe by a week) i have probably enjoyed it far more just because its the casual meta kind of smp i am used to. i liked that pretty much every empires person was able to drop the hard RP stuff during this period too- mostly lol. i mean in the sense that, even those who did were still very casual overall.

i think the second phase still suffered a bit from... lack of actual content regarding the village being built (which yes again, i know of the stuff that was on stream. but that still wasnt all of it), but coming to to xmas i can see many ppl are not able to squeeze in videos right now either. i feel the timing was good and bad-- fun holiday stuff to do in game, but also lots of IRL stuff, and also sick season...

regardless its been a wild two months to follow- it was exciting getting exposed to so much stuff i wouldnt normally look into. and i could just tell how much fun everyone was having, which made it all the more enjoyable.

[keefwho]

October 22 - 2024 Tuesday

10:57pm

5/10

I slept in for 30 minutes this morning because I woke up so tired. Then I super cleaned my shower and finally got my new curtain put in.

Instead of streaming today I hopped in VRchat while I worked. I stayed relatively focused, I did my warmup and finished the commission I was working on. Then I started the next one but ultimately I ended early because of finishing that drawing. I feel bad because I do wish I could do more. I make my schedule because I think it's what I should be able to handle but I usually don't do it all. Except for some weeks. It works in waves how much I get done. The thing is, if I HAD to do it all then I would, but most of it is optional. They are things I want to do in theory but am too tired for or maybe I've truly lost interest in certain ideas and I don't want to admit it. Clearly I am not being driven well enough. I also always factor in how much I try to save my energy for commissions because the last thing I wanna be is burnt out for work that is necessary. Maybe then I should forget about that and expend my energy wildly. Worth a shot.

I watched an episode of Invincible with RS today which was very nice, I think things are finally leveled out and normal between us. They were awhile before but now I think I'm sure of it. BR was right in this case, she said maybe in a year or two we'd be on better terms. I didn't think we'd actually ever talk again but here we are and it's all fine. I imagine very limited contact though. As I'm doing with everyone these days, I have to be wary of communicating on my own terms, especially with him. I doubt it'll be an issue but our problem was how unwilling I was to stand up for myself or what I wanted.

DS won a request today which led me to draw Ghoulia as a pony and that was very fun. I drew her well, like how I wish I'd always draw ponies. I think this is the case because I actually cared about the idea and character, my heart was in it. After that I finished up a personal piece that got me thinking about the kinds of things I draw for myself. It's weird because I almost never draw from the heart anymore and I didn't with this one either. But I did have fun. I tend to use my OC as the subject matter for drawing I know will be fun to make and that I know other people will enjoy because of the situation/quality. But I don't act out of a place of desire like I used to. I wish I did. Thats something I'd like to explore again. I've been thinking about the steps I need to take to open myself back up sexually and explore my interests. And who I could do that with. But before that I gotta figure out and be comfortable with whatever I enjoy right now. Channeling that into art might be powerful.

DS and I watched Clash of the Titans and it was a good movie. I had made popcorn as part of my lunch otherwise I would have made some for the movie.

[chimeracreations-art]

GOAT Report: January 2023

Going to try and start doing like little post month reports as each one goes on, just for a bit of funzys and also to keep ya'll in the loop. so i guess the first thing we talk about is the good stuff.

So what were some of the positive thing i think I'm pretty happy about that i did or started in January.

- well we one thing i think i can say so far is iv just been really happy and having a fun time creating videos on YouTube, started doing this last year in December with a video on one of the BattleTech novels iv read and since no one in my local group is reading the current book as they there are just gamers or are not in the current sluff as there reading though the dark age book atm and so i just wanted to get my thoughts out there and people have been digging it. it also help people find out what what about some stuff too as i talked about some of the Kickstarter info and what not. going to try an shoot for one video a mouth atm as i really like reading a book or sourcebook and talking bout and learning more about BattleTech lore as i get further and further into it.

- my general skill development and work on trying to make different kinds of stuff has been pretty good, as my last few YCH have been looking very very good to me. i feel extra proud of the mommies and cookies, Casual Jerk-day and Mobile Fursuits G-witch Stickers all came out, the lighting and shading on all these as well some cartooning and use of perspective and pose work all made me real happy, same with the tank and the aliens design wip too (will be working on those soon so expect some adopts in a bit). over all just real happy with the quality bump iv had with those bits of work.

Starting getting plans set up to start an etsy store were you can buy stickers and prints later this year.

- the last thing i think I'm real happy with is the launch of my patreon as iv got 2 cool folk over there and i feel real happy about it.

the neutral - my out put for this month was ok, i got all my YCH finished and most of my commission done but iv got a few left over private commissions that still need to be done along with a design com for a friend that'll be working on this month. alongside that i ended up grabbing a room for FWA which while good put a dent into my profits this month but hopeful will pay off later down the road and also be fun. what kinda stinks is i got an extra room for some people and since it was a rush get it now or no room and then we'd have to do the drive up stuff i got the rooms and the other two ended up not being able to make it so atm I'm debating and talking with some other friends who might be able to buy the room or cancel the extra room's reservation as I'll only lose 187 buck at that point instead of the 600 and some.

- kinda fail a bit on streaming recently as iv just been to tired or sleepy to stream, not the worst thing since streaming is something i do to try and give myself a specific date and time to play games and get my dumb brain to not be in uber work mode all the time.

- sleep schedule good back to poop again.

- beside those it just kinda been hating the weather here in Georgia atm, cold as shit and rainy, wish i could just sit outside for a bit just so i could have some place outside the house to relax for a bit but it awful to do that atm since it been so cold, hopefully thing will get a little tolerable this month were i can at least feel ok sitting outside with a jacket as i do like sitting in our backyard to eat lunch or try and watch thing instead of inside the house.

The bad or the things i need to work on.

- kinda was a lazy ass and took a bit to get the one of the appointment to start getting my teeth fixed so that kinda sucked but i got the first one set up and so hopefully I'll have the holes in my teeth looked at and then done up soon and fixed real soon.

- still not happy with not working to much on my own projects and just wanting to create more ME stuff as i go but i might do some thing to help with that and hopefully the patreon will as well. like my NSFW stuff is good if still in my opinion could be developed further (if i had the time every YCH and doodle would probably have a fucking background and nice lighting like the mommies and cookies one, casue fuck do i just want to develop some of the idea more and add to like the idea of the piece, some would still be just void background but still i want to put more time into individual pics.)

- looking at house/apartments has started and is good but thing are not looking the best atm with prices and then the cost of amenities, a few spots have gone down a little but everything that not in an area were people don't get murder and others a lot is a bit rough or hard to get even with roommate splitting the costs . so while I'm hopeful at looking at places and eventually moving out, they are sorta still pissing me off a bit and might result in me raising prices along with my want to just do more things for myself.

- the discord is taking way longer to get set up then i thought and mix that with most of my time be put towards come has delayed it way more than i wanted to but im going to try and get some time into making some progress on it but ATM i make an announcement when it be ready to open.

and that all my immediate thought on looking back on January not a bad month not an amazing month ether just simple fairy plain work-month basically.

also if you didn't see them or know about stuff here links to my YouTube and patreon

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6.....1HTbgxVMDLU1eA

[thepatronsaintoffilth]

Hi, newbie writer here.

How do you get passed the embarrassment of writing smut? Hell, I’m struggling to get over the embarrassment of writing, period (I’m a mega perfectionist and hate everything I do 😅)

Any advice?

I'm going to answer both (writing in general and writing smut in particular) at kind of the same time, because a lot of the principles for getting around self-consciousness and embarrassment with writing applies to ALL writing, smut or otherwise. I will add a few things toward the end about erotica specifically though.

the short, boring, oversimplified (but correct) answer: Practice, practice, practice.

the expanded version:

Seriously, get into the habit of writing A LOT and CONSISTENTLY and SHIT-ILY until you wear down the part of your brain that's worried about getting it perfect on the first, second or 12th try.

This isn't just necessary for mining good work out of raw material, its essential to getting past self-consciousness and having fun with the process. Because once you start having fun with it, you'll stop holding yourself back. Which leads to writing more, which leads to better writing, on and on; it's an upward spiral, a virtuous cycle.

I have a notebook that I handwrite my ideas and rough passages and stuff in, and I write in pen. I do that for a specific reason: It puts me in the habit of crossing and scratching things out and not being able to take back what I say in the form of erasing with a pencil or a blinking cursor in a word doc.

That really, really helped me get over my own perfectionism because once I learned to stop expecting so much from myself in the drafting and pre-writing stage, the rest of the creative process really opened up for me. Once I let my writing be "ugly", imperfect, stream-of-consciousness chicken scratch, it felt more like play than work. That's the key.

Also: write for YOURSELF first, then worry about making it fit for others. You're going to be your first reader, your first fan, and its YOUR life, subconscious, interests and desires that are going to shape what you make. I'm so serious about this. No one - and I mean, NO ONE - reads and rereads my own work more than I do and that's because I write the kind of things I wish I could see more of and I enjoy giving myself exactly what I want.

Plus on a practical level, you're going revise and edit and rewrite a lot (depending on how you define your work's "readiness" for others to see it), so its essential to enjoy what you're making because you're going to be spending SO much time with it. No one but you is entitled to ever see your first drafts, so don't be afraid to get weird with it.

These are some books I highly recommend that not only go into the creative process, but also the mentality and emotional parts of being a writer: embarrassment, perfectionism, society's influence on us, how we struggle with the creative process because it differs so wildly from how we're taught to behave normally, the reasons WHY we write, etc, etc.

(And I'm only going to recommend these two, not because they're best, be-all end-all books on the subject, but because if I recommended everything I wanted to, we'd be here all damn day)

Immediate Fiction by Jerry Cleaver The Courage to Write by Ralph Keyes

Writing smut: This one's a little trickier.

I'm a very sexual person, have been for as long as I can remember, so I've gravitated towards erotic fiction (even before I should have been looking at that). And I tend to befriend others who feel the same way, so I'm used to not only writing about wild shit, I talk about it constantly as well. All that has given me an advantage because I'm pretty shameless.

Having said that, I was raised in a quasi-religious (don't ask) household, in the deep South as a closeted person so I'm no stranger to shame, guilt and self-disgust, as well as the self consciousness that comes with it. The cheat code for this is to eroticize the pain, turn it into a weapon for you instead of against you. It's hard to explain, but I wrote about it ... somewhere (can't find the damn link on my blog, I'll get back to you on this one)

Apart from all the advice above, I would say immerse yourself in erotic fiction and associate with others who do too. Get to know your likes and wants, seek out that kind of material and get a feel for how different writers describe and phrase things. This, in addition to writing more in general, should help you find your voice.

ALSO, ONE LAST THING (god this ask is a mess, I hope you got something from this)

As far as hating everything you do, that's totally part of the process. It sucks, but don't make it suck more by feeling guilty about it; it's natural. I know for me personally, I get to a point in my editing process where I hate everything I'm looking at, I feel like a fraud and I've tricked everyone into thinking I'm a real writer and I should just trash it all.

Aaaaand that's when I know its almost ready to post! Everything's going according to plan!

(... writing is a very weird process, if you take nothing else from all this word vomit, at least take that to heart)

Good luck and godspeed

- M.

[ibuki-loves-you]

Killed for a Hopeful Future (Nagito Komaeda x Reader)

Warnings: Angst, mentions of suicide, domestic stuff, detailed descriptions of murder, mentions of v/mit, potential spoilers???

Mod Ibuki: Another piece me and @call-me-ko worked on together! Execution based off this fan-made one! I hope you enjoy!

Sobs were all that could be heard throughout the small cottage.

Heavy, distraught sobs.

Nagito sat in his bed, the bed Y/N often accompanied him in. Heavy sobs racked his body. He doesn't think he's cried this hard in his entire life.

His love, his world, was gone.

It was like they were taken right out from under him.

One gunshot wound to the chest and bruises around their neck. Their leg looked broken, probably from the fall.

Y/N's body was hung from the door of strawberry house and dropped all the way to grape house's floor. Blood was everywhere due to the gunshot wound.

When Nagito saw, he thought he was going to die himself. No one told him that they were the victim. They just said they didn't know who it was yet.

He didn't get to say goodbye

He didn't get to tell them that he loved them.

He didn't-

"Nagito!" Fuyuhiko yelled. Nagito swung his head around, glaring at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Nagito stated. Fuyuhiko stayed quiet. "Simple question. Is it really that hard to answer?" He snapped. Fuyuhiko didn't say anything. Kazuichi shakily sighed. "W-We didn't want to make you panic."

Nagito scoffed. "A little late for that, isn't it?"

Nagito investigated your body himself. He didn't trust anyone. You were loved by everyone here, and yet you still died. It didn't add up.

Bing Bong Bing Bong

Bing Bong Bing Bong

"Nagito... it's time for the trial." Hajime mumbled apologetically. Nagito nodded slowly.

"Give me a minute..." He responded. "Of course." Hajime said softly, moving to the elevator.

Nagito dropped to his knees in front of them. Tears started streaming down his face.

"Who did this? Angel...who did this to you?" He mumbled, stroking Y/N's head. "I promise...your killer will get what they deserve." Nagito placed a kiss on their forehead.

He began making his way towards the elevator.

Justice would be served

"The murder occurred at around 5:30 am." Hajime started.

"The murder weapon was a noose found at the scene, but they also had a wound in their chest. I think a gunshot. That could be the cause of death as well." Chiaki added.

"It was the cause of death." Nagito interrupted. "How else could they have fallen?"

"Fallen...?" Chiaki asked. Nagito scoffed.

"I'm not looking to play games this trial. I want to know the blackened as soon as I possibly can so let me tell you this so you can put everything together." Nagito said angrily.

"Strawberry house and grape house are connected. It's an elevator. Y/N died beforehand via gunshot. That means the killer went to the Final Dead Room. I would know because I went there. The elevator won't move if a living thing is detected. It moved because they were dead already. The killer tied a noose around their neck and tied the other end to the doorknob. Then, they activated the elevator. Eventually, Y/N would fall because that's how gravity works. Now, figure out who killed them." Nagito snapped. He explained the murder in perfect detail, no flaw.

With Nagito's explanation, soon enough they found the killer.

"Gundham...why did you do it?" Hajime asked, a solemn expression painted onto his features. 

Gundham stood silent. After a moment, he took a breath.

"We had a plan." He muttered. "Please explain." Hajime requested, taking a few glances at a fuming Nagito.

"Y/N and I agreed that we would allow all of you to escape at the expense of our lives. I completed the Final Dead Room, and we planned the murder from there." Gundham started.

"We wanted you to survive. Y/N didn't go down without a fight, nor did I. I request you remember that." Gundham looked towards Nagito. He dug through his pocket and pulled out a key. He walked over to Nagito and held it out.

"It is the key to their cottage. I didn't know if you had one or not, either or I assumed they'd want you to have it." Nagito took the key silently.

"I don't expect forgiveness, nor do I want it. But one thing I want you all to carry from mine and Y/N's demise is that you must always fight. Do not go down without one."

With that, Gundham was dragged to his execution.

And that's how he ended up in his room clutching a piece of your clothing while he bawled his eyes out.

Bing Bong Bing Bong

Bing Bong Bing Bong

"Please make your way to Jabberwock Park! Not attending will result in immediate death! See you soon! Puhuhuhuhu~"

Nagito looked at the monitor. Should he even attend? He didn't care whether he died or not.

After contemplation he decided to go. He dried his eyes and placed your belonging neatly on his bed. Nagito made his way out the door and to Jabberwock Park.

Upon arrival, everyone gave him pitied stares. He looked horrible, worse than he usually did, and he knew that.

"Are you alright?" Chiaki spoke. Nagito looked at her and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"No, not really. But you shouldn't worry! I'll be fine." That was a lie, even he didn't believe it.

"Allow me to introduce the new motive. Future visions!" Monokuma announced. Everyone rolled their eyes.

"We aren't gonna do that shit!" Fuyuhiko screamed. "Yeah, like we'd believe it!" Nekomaru hollered after. Nagito stayed silent.

Future visions? He didn't believe in any of that, but it's worth a look, right?

When everyone left Jabberwock Park, mainly out of anger towards Monokuma, Nagito looked at the vision motive.

A character select button appeared on a screen that seemingly came out of nowhere. He selected himself. A video began to load.

"Alright, let's go see baba." Nagito cooed. He took his daughter's hands and gently pulled her to her feet. The baby giggled in response.

"Ready? One step at a time." Nagito looked up at Y/N. They sat on the other side of the living room, smiling at the two. Nagito gave them a bright smile. With small steps of his own, he guided their daughter in Y/N's direction.

Their child shook their hands from Nagito's. Nagito let go and smiled, keeping close behind her.

Y/N opened their arms and their daughter stumbled into them. Nagito hurried over with a wide smile.

"You did it, baby! I'm so proud of you!" Nagito cheered. His daughter crawled out of Y/N's arms and into his. She rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"And you say she isn't a daddy's girl." Y/N teased. Nagito smiled and kissed his daughter's cheek over and over, earning a giggle in response.

"Yeah, I guess I see where you're coming from." Nagito leaned forward and gave you a kiss.

"I love you, angel." "I love you too, Nagi."

Nagito stared at the screen with a mix of horror and awe. He moved his hands towards his pale face and rubbed his temples. He took his hand and selected Y/N’s character.

“Daddy! Higher!” His daughter giggled, gripping the chains of the swing. Nagito chuckled

“A little higher, okay?” Nagito compromised. She giggled and nodded. “Okay daddy!”

Y/N smiled from next to Nagito, watching as he booped her nose every time the swing came towards him.

“Baba! Look how high I’m going!” Their daughter called. Y/N giggled and nodded.

“I see! You’re almost as tall as me and daddy from up there!” Y/N said, a smile gracing their features. Nagito nodded in agreement, a huge smile on his face. He turned his head to face his lover.

“Look how happy she is.” He mumbled, chuckling everytime she giggled.

“Daddy keep pushing me!” She said when he stopped for a moment. Nagito laughed and continued pushing the swing.

“She really is such a happy kid.” Y/N smiled throughout their sentence. Nagito wrapped one arm around Y/N’s waist and used the other to push the swing.

That was his future? Or would’ve been?

Nagito put his forehead against the screen and started crying again.

He couldn’t help but feel selfish because he wanted that more than anything.

Soon enough his tears turned to crazed wheezes, laughter shaking his body.

Hope and despair mixed in his eyes once again. He had nothing to lose…

So why not get himself killed? Or better yet get them killed. It's all their fault after all, Y/N did nothing to them yet they had to die.

Bing Bong Bing Bong

Bing Bong Bing Bong

“A body has been discovered! Please make your way to the warehouse on the fifth island!”

Everyone dropped what they were doing and made their way to the warehouse next to the factory while Nagito took his time. Everything went according to plan. Now all he had to do was wait. Whether he survived the trial or not didn’t matter much to him, since one way or another he would die.

Suicide or execution was the question now.

“The victim is Nekomaru Nidai, the Ultimate Team Manager. The murder weapon is unknown, but definitely a tool of some sorts as he was taken apart.” Hajime started. 

“Trip wire was found at the scene.” Kazuichi added. “So we can assume that was definitely used, especially since he has scratched on his ankles. Well, as scratched as metal can be.”

“Killer probably pressed the power button after using the trip wire, right?” Fuyuhiko questioned. Hajime nodded. “Most likely.”

Sonia put a finger to her chin. “So what you are saying is the killer used tripwire, and then powered Nekomaru off?” Hajime nodded again.

“Who would want to kill Nekomaru? He was so kind to us all.” Akane muttered. “I can’t answer that, I wish I could. But for now all we can do is find his killer.” And with that the trial was officially underway.

“So this is how it happened.” Hajime started. “Nekomaru was lured to the factory’s warehouse by an anonymous letter. He assumed whoever it was he would be able to handle, so he expected a fight. What he didn’t expect was tripwire a few feet away from the door. With his height, I wouldn’t expect him to see it either. Nor would I expect it myself. After Nekomaru fell into the tripwire, his head slammed into the floor, causing him to be weakened for a moment. It may not have been a long moment, but it was enough for the killer to rush into action and press his power button on the back of his neck. When the power button was pressed and Nekomaru was officially powered off, the killer took him apart using a variety of tools found at the market. This explains the mess of oil we found. The killer scattered his parts all around the warehouse and factory, thus leading to us having to find the parts and put them together for investigation.”

Hajime turned to the podium across from his.

“Isn’t that right, Nagito Komaeda? The Ultimate Lucky Student…”

Nagito smiled that crazed grin of his. His eyes were swirling with hope and despair once again.

“Yep! You are absolutely right!” He laughed. Hajime winced while Akane banged on her podium in sheer anger.

“Why, Nagito?” Hajime asked. Nagito continued to laugh. “Isn’t it obvious? I wanted to die!” He said as if it was nothing. Akane growled. “So why didn’t you kill yourself!?” Nagito’s laughs died down, his emotions doing a complete 180.

“Because I wanted to kill you all as well.” He said simply. Everyone looked as if they’d seen a ghost.

“W-What?” Hajime whispered. “Did I stutter? You guys were the reason Y/N died! Y-You took them away from me!” Nagito screamed. He dropped to his knees behind his podium, sobs beginning to consume him once again.

“I-I could’ve had a life with them...We w-would’ve been happy a-and I w-would’ve had a d-daughter.” Nagito mumbled weakly. “I just want Y/N...I-I want to see Y/N. P-Please just kill me already.” He pleaded.

Everyone looked at him with a mixture of sadness, pity, and fear.

“Who am I to disobey?” Monokuma said. “W-Wait, we need to talk more! We have more questions, bastard!” Fuyuhiko cursed. Monokuma ignored him. Nagito continued sobbing and clutching his podium.

“Let’s give it everything we’ve got! It’s punishment time!”

Nagito was set up straight, strapped to a wheel similar to one you’d see on a gameshow. Every section other than him was either Monomi or Monokuma.

Monokuma spun the wheel, causing him to start spinning with it.

It landed on Monomi.

Monokuma spun the wheel again. A wave of nausea hitting Nagito like a truck as his head began pounding.

It landed on Monokuma.

The wheel was spun once again. Nagito laid cursing his luck as he began throwing up in his mouth from the constant motion sickness.

The torture continued for nearly 15 minutes. A vicious cycle of spinning and choking on his own vomit.

Monokuma spun one last time, the wheel finally landing on Nagito. He smiled, elated that the torture was finally over.

Before he could blink, copious amounts of spears fired towards him. Out of many, only three struck him.

Two in each of his legs, and one in his chest.

As he slowly bled to death, all he could think about was one thing.

He was going to see them again.

[roseyserpents]

“I Love You”

Summary: love wasn't supposed to be a part of you and Sweet Pea

Warnings: like two swear words

Word count: 1,492

A/N: this is based of I Love You by Billie Eilish. I wrote this in literally an hour so don't blame me if it's bad

The concept of loving someone had always scared you both. That's why neither of you had been in a real relationship. That's also why you and Sweet Pea had become friends. You knew nothing would happen because catching feelings just wasn't something you did. It wasn't that either of you were cold, or you didn't love your friends, but loving somebody with other feelings involved and being in a relationship didn't work for either of you. So the entirely platonic relationship between the two of you was the safest bet. You'd known Sweet Pea since seventh grade and you'd been best friends ever since, nothing more ever even being a thought.

It's not true

Tell me I've been lied to

Crying isn't like you

What the hell did I do?

Never been the type to

Let someone see right through

There was a four day weekend due to teacher work days, so you and Sweet Pea took the opportunity to pack up a truck with blankets and pillows and food and head to one of the camp sights on the edge of Sweet Water River for a camping trip. You'd gotten there at sunset and set up everything at your sight including string lights you'd insisted on bringing, of course making Sweet Pea hang them up because he could reach the highest branches. The next day was spent with the two of you swimming and laughing, making food and just relaxing in your time off from school with each other.

The day went by fast, and it was now the second night at camp, both of you lying on a blanket next to a tree by the river. A pillow sat under your head as you stared at the sky freckled with twinkling stars up above and you talked quietly to Sweet Pea as if not to destroy the peacefulness of the night. After about a half hour of small words though you'd noticed your conversation was almost entirely one-sided. Confused, you propped yourself up on your elbow and are shocked into silence at what you see. He doesn't meet your eye, keeping his gaze set on the stars as you stare into his eyes. They practically mirrored the sky, dark and twinkling but instead of with beautiful stars there were sad tears pooling in them. A few had slipped down his cheeks leaving behind streams that glimmered in the warm light from the string lights set up a few feet away. He was bitting his lip probably to muffle a cry that was trying to escape with the tears.

"Pea?" You finally say, lying your hand on his arm. His eyes squeeze shut at your touch, another tear rolling down his cheeks and onto the fabric of the blanket. You were worried. Scared, even. No one had ever seen the Sweet Pea cry, not even you or Fangs or Toni. He didn't let people see what was happening behind the scenes in his head because he put on the act of being big and tough. There was a heavy door for say blocking anyone from getting a glimpse, but here he was, all of his emotions clear as day for you to see. Why was he crying all of a sudden? Did you do something? Say something?

Maybe won't you take it back

Say you were tryna make me laugh

And nothing has to change today

You didn't mean to say "I love you"

I love you and I don't want to

"What's wrong?" You ask as he opens his eyes. He doesn't reply right away, staying painfully silent for another minute though it feels like an eternity before he finally answers.

"I love you." He says, voice hoarse from crying. "I love you and I don't want to."

It's as if everything around you freezes and goes silent. It feels like a hand had gripped your heart and squeezed forcing you to go still. Love. That word scared the shit out of both of you, so why did he say it? That was the promise with your friendship, that neither of you would catch feelings because that wasn't what you did. Maybe in a few seconds he would start laughing and say it was a joke, take back the word that couldn't be possible. Nothing between you has to change, you just stay close friends and the L word never happened. But a minute passed, then two, and then five and he didn't say anything. He didn't take it back, he just stared at the stars that watched the turning point in your relationship with silent watchful gazes.

"No you don't." You said in a whisper mostly to yourself rather than him. "You can't."

"That's what I thought." He says with a small, sad smile.

You stare at him in more stunned silence. He loved you. Love. He had to have been lying. Love was scary and messy and it wasn't what you two had. It couldn't be.

Up all night on another red eye

I wish we never learned to fly

Maybe we should just try

To tell ourselves a good lie

I didn't mean to make you cry

"I thought about it awhile. I wondered why I felt butterflies every time I saw you or every time you laughed or smiled at me. And then it just popped into my head. When I realized what it was I cried for the first time in years. I wished we'd never gotten close enough for it to happen." Sweet Pea says, glancing at you every now and then, but he wasn't able to watch your reaction. He didn't want to see you trying to break away from him. Like he knew you probably were, fleeing from his confessions.

"Maybe... Maybe we can just pretend you don't." You say, small hope in your voice. "Nothing has to change, we just have to lie to ourselves. I don't want you to cry over me."

The smile that you gave me

Even when you felt like dying

Sweet Pea smiles. He smiles even though everything around you, the warm comfortable friendship you'd built with trust and care and kindness and memories came crashing down. He sits up like you and stares at his lap for a moment leaving you to think about that smile. He smiled at you even though you were crushing him. He probably felt like dying for loving his best friend in a way best friends shouldn't, but he still gave you a smile to try to make you feel better. The simple smile confirmed his words much to your worst fears that he was in love with you. What did you do? How did you make this happen? Could you go back and change something and make it so this didn't happen?

We fall apart as it gets dark

I'm in your arms in Central Park

There's nothing you could do or say

I can't escape the way, I love you

I don't want to, but I love you

You pull Sweet Pea into a hug, his arms immediately wrapping around you as he buries his face in the crook of your neck, warm tears slipping down onto your shoulder. He shuddered against you as he held you tighter, his arms giving you a gentle squeeze. You fall apart against each other and try not to focus on it as your bond does the same. Somehow you knew there was nothing you could do or say that could change the way he felt or how it happened. You knew he couldn't just unlove someone because that's what scared you both most about love, how strong it was. You can't escape it and you can't change it. It has the power to destroy friendships and bonds and turn the closest of people into awkward strangers. You don't have control over love because it chooses itself who it associates itself with, and leaves those people to watch hopelessly as they fall into love. Maybe that's why it's called falling. You fall into love because as soon as you slip even if it's only a little bit you go tumbling down the hill, beating yourself up and tearing yourself apart as you go while trying not to let them see. Sweet Pea slipped and now you were seeing him at the bottom from the top, seeing him torn and tears staining his cheeks.

And suddenly, it happens all at once. A small slip and then butterflies. They swarm into your stomach and heart, their wings clouding your thoughts as you physically feel yourself tumbling down an imaginary hill. Twigs and rocks cut and poke at your heart as it speeds up its once even beating. Every where Sweet Peas body touched yours felt hot and clammy, your mind shutting down and setting off distress signals. It projects one more clear thought before going dark, leaving you frozen in fear.

You love him.

Taglist: @batfam16

[creativemorningsdublin-blog]

Meet our Musician: ROE

Meet our Musician: ROE

Our musician for the month of April is ROE. Devastatingly sincere and relatable, ROE is a songwriter that pours her heart into every word that she writes. Her work spills truths from her own life, and from speculations on the planet on which we exist. Hailing from Derry, NI, ROE left college before finishing to travel the world playing festivals and to focus on writing songs that felt real. Her 2020 EP ‘Things We Don’t Talk About’ saw ROE cross 1 million streams on Spotify and is the culmination of 4 years of relentless writing, releasing and touring as a completely independent artist.

We sat down with ROE to talk about all things creative.

What does our monthly theme of procrastination mean to you? Procrastination is, for me, taking time away from something that you love just to make it better. I'm one for procrastinating all the time and then whenever I finally sit down to do something it works out really well because I've taken that time away. People perceive it as a negative thing, but I think that having that time is important.

What do you find most challenging about the creative process?

Probably the hardest thing for me is actually taking the time to sit down and write and keep going with this thing that I love. This is my career but also, it's therapy for me; sitting down and writing and knowing that it's good for my head. So whenever I procrastinate I know that I'm procrastinating because I can feel it in my brain.

You've quite a close-knit team, I love that you guys are all friends and that's such a big part of who you are as an artist. So is the solo time where it's just you in your room, writing, is that where you find committing to doing that most difficult?

Yeah because there's nobody there to push you on to do it, you’re literally relying on yourself to do this thing and you know that it's going to take maybe an hour or whatever. And I’ve started this technique where you put a timer on your phone for 15 minutes to do something and that's been very helpful. I know that it's only a tiny section of time that I have to do the task for and then you end up doing it for far longer because you're really into it.

But whenever I have the team around me, I feel the buzz. Whenever they’re around you and everybody is kind of gearing towards the same goal really. It brings you out of your shell as well, because when you're having the craic with people and you're all thinking about the same thing and they’re all like-minded and just want to get the best out of everything that you do. Especially whenever it’s my own stuff, because everything I write is written by me and it's kind of my baby, so it's nice having people around that make you kind of think that OK, I'm an actual professional musician. And they're just there to support you the whole way and I love that.

Is there any experience in particular that you've been reminiscing about? You know those moments that you live in?

Yeah, we were on tour just before lockdown happened up here. Literally just got back home in time and we had the show down in Dublin in Whelan’s Main Room and before that, we'd sold out upstairs and that night was just insane, and it was crazy because we were literally on stage and then we had to go back home up to Derry.

It was just a complete rush the whole night and it was just the best craic and I miss the connection with people. I miss the whole buzz after the show and just talking to people after the show and just chatting to people about their own experiences.

This whole point in life just feels so surreal because everybody’s taken a pause in everything that they do, especially in the creative sector and it's one of those professions that are really tied into your personal life as well. We were chatting about how like most of my friends, if not all of my friends, are involved in the music scene or the creative scene in some way. And I miss that being at a show with them so much and I miss just the thrill of being on stage and being able to perform my songs with people.

Do you think that mental health is the main message in your songs that will keep cropping up and is what’s really important to you or are there other themes that you’ve started to bring into your writing over the past year?

For me, writing is really personal. It's kind of like a diary, a scary diary, but I use writing as a form of therapy, so everything that I write is very much linked to my mental health and the things that I go through, and people really close to me go through. And it’s a way of getting these thoughts out of my head without having to talk about it because I am the worst person, as much as I sing about it, I'm really bad at talking about my mental health and actually opening up to people.

So I think if I can do that in a way that helps other people as well as it helps me. That's the aim for me. You know it's just to connect with people and have a little bit of hope because all of these songs that I write, they might have really sad topics behind them or themes behind them, but I get to do what I love because of them. I get to connect with people, I get to talk to people and get to make friendships and it came from all of these mental health songs that I've written about. It makes me realise how important it is to talk about these things, especially if you have the strength to.

I still get terrified before I go on stage because I know that I'm pouring my heart out on stage in front of all these people and I have no idea how it's going to go each night, but it's really important to me to keep spreading that message of: It's OK to have mental health issues. Everybody has some form of mental health issues. Nobody is perfect and it feels like a very human thing to communicate. I don't understand why there's such a stigma around it.

How do you feel about the narrative that if you write music, you don’t need therapy, that the music is therapy and is cathartic?

I think if you need help, get help. Your music isn't going to suffer because your mental health is getting better, and I think that's really important for people to understand.

There's this narrative of a tortured artist and you have to be suffering to make good art, and there's no logic in that. There's no reason why you can't better your mental health and feel happier and still write really good songs.

If you need help, get help. Your music isn't more important than your own mental state.

This year loads of people have been learning new coping mechanisms… are there any rituals that you do before stage or daily?

It's something that I'm working on. I've been reading into it a lot more. There's this book called Sound Advice that I've absolutely been loving and it's about creating rituals, especially with your bandmates, because you need a connection before you go on stage, that's why people play ball games or silly word games before they go on stage, to get that connection and bring the best onto the stage.

But before all this, I definitely took maybe 5 minutes before I went on stage and just didn't talk to anybody. I'd kind of take the time for myself because of the nature of the songs. I had to be in the right mindset to go sing them before, without breaking down onstage.

It's talked about all the time, how exercise helps your brain, and so I've started running and doing yoga a lot more and not for any physical benefits. But just because I know that it's going to help me in the long term and my brain.

What habits do you think you've had to unlearn over the last few years?

Finding my voice was difficult. We're in the middle of recording my album and this time I've taken the reins a little bit and realise that I like having a hand in everything in every aspect of my music. So, I'm definitely a lot more assertive than what I was, maybe three or four years ago whenever I was just starting out. And it is something that you learn – that you have a voice. And you're allowed to use it, even if you're young.

Some of the youngest people in this industry are the ones with the most inspirational ideas.

Always remember that you have a voice and you're allowed to have that creative expression and guide your own music like it's your music, so don't let anybody else take charge of it.

You put up a post recently saying that you were really excited about your new tunes and how they were really different... in what way are you excited about them being different?

They’re very true to what the songs are about. It’s shown in my writing how I’ve evolved as an artist. Practice makes everything better, so I'm really proud of these songs and I'm really excited about them. The whole mental health thing has carried over a whole lot and I'm glad that it has and I don't think I'll ever step away from talking about things like that.

There's been so much talk about how the music industry needs to step up, and I think it's really important to talk about these things ... what do you wish people knew about being a musician that isn't always visible or obvious?

All of the hours that go into and everything that goes into behind the music. Whenever people hear your music, it's a finished product. It's all shiny and bright and they don't realise how much has gone into the thought, the artwork or the production or the videos and all that aspect of it as well.

I think it's really hard to see music as a nine to five because you always end up coming up with ideas and the best ideas that I have always come at like two in the morning whenever I'm going to sleep, and I have to roll over and write them in my notes app or else I won't remember them in the morning.

Is there anything else you would say about your new tunes?

I’m being very mysterious at the minute! We’re working away trying to get everything done for my debut album and it’s the first time that I've had so much space to sit with every aspect of a project without shows in between. I want it to be something special to me and I think putting in the time into it is making that real.

What do you hope for the music industry going forward, what changes would you want to see?

That it’s more of a gender-neutral environment, especially when it comes to radio because I think everybody has seen the disparity when it comes to Irish radio at the minute. I want to see more opportunities for women in the music industry that aren't token, that you're not the only woman on the line-up.

Also more transparency. There’s a lack of transparency when it comes to a lot of the industry stuff and I know my manager, Liam, he's been great at the minute because he's started this Instagram page all about the industry and everything you need to know about labels, publishers. Everybody seems to keep to themselves and I wish that there was less of this competitive nature. There's room for everybody to get the opportunities that they deserve and there shouldn't be this need to be better than somebody, because we're all in this.

I want it to feel like more of a community than competition. I feel like if there was a worldwide community of musicians and everybody in the music industry was helping each other, that would be the day.

I think if it was more accessible and more open to young artists, people wouldn't be as scared or feel as if they need somebody else to know all this stuff. They wouldn't be taken advantage of. There needs to be more education when it comes to that, especially when it comes to the younger artists.

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You can check out ROE's music here.

[weddingreception9316-blog]

17 Superstars We'd Love To Recruit For Our Wedding Hall Team

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Wedding Reception Poll Of The Day

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9 Ted Talks That Anyone Working In Wedding Hall Should Watch

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3 Reasons Your Wedding Venues Is Broken (And How To Fix It)

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10 Things Most People Don't Know About Outdoor Wedding Venues

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