#i wish i wasn't so fucking worthless. only ever barely keepin my head above water. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kindacreepy-kindaugly · 9 months ago

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I mean I'm not goin back to him I'm not(!!!) but at this point I got no idea why

Literally just screaming into the fucking void

He already broke me to the point where all the shit he's said are my only core beliefs n even if I try to shut down the voice in my head repeatin it all I still believe every damn word

So no matter how long I cut him off for it's always there just the same. But no one else can always be there to make it go away. W/ him I at least go from a total waste of oxygen to the one thing I'll ever be any good for. It's an upgrade I can almost live with.

So what's the point? What do I or anyone gain from me stayin away?

I've been tryin so fucking hard n it's just not getting any easier. I don't know where to put all this fucking self loathing, I can't keep pouring it onto other people. I always need to keep so damn much inside n some of it still spills out n that's already bordering on too much. I don't wanna be a burden. I know everyone is, to some extent, but not like this. Not all the time. Plus they have something to give in return, I only have things no one else wants, just Val's happy to take em if offered.

I still feel the pull all the fucking time. It's like the chain he used to have around my neck but I know he's not doin the pulling, he doesn't care if he has me or not anymore. It's all me now. I'm the one who keeps wanting to go back. The rational part of me is screaming no cause I know he'll just hurt me n find new ways to cut even deeper but. What's left that he hasn't already done?

Maybe this time he'll make the feelings n the noise go away. Maybe this time he'll make it all quiet.

#i know i can't expect anyone else to save me that's something i'm supposed to do myself but #what if i can't? i don't know how to #best i've managed is a somewhat stable daily life but that relies on practically zero triggers n i don't actually get anything done ever #there's no progress. none. it's just me drowning out the noise w/ distractions n booze #everyone i see struggling w/ this shit that's made actual progress has made it w/ the type of healing experiences i can't seem to find #n cause it's all just pseudomemories n shit we can't really even unpack it in therapy cause it doesn't rly get to the real causes #it's always just 'have you had experiences in real life where someone made you feel like this?'#i don't know!! we don't have our actual trauma memories!!!#i just. i wish i didn't need so goddamn much more than what's reasonable to ask of anyone.#i wish i wasn't wired so completely fucking wrong i can't have those needs met #i wish i wasn't so fucking worthless. only ever barely keepin my head above water.#i tried to list any skills/positive traits/things i like about myself n the only thing i could come up w/ is i give great head #n i guess the way i'll let you act out any fucked up fantasy on me if you don't mind that i cry or dissociate #but i don't have anythin else to give. my body's all i have to offer n it's not even a very good one anymore #i still wish someone would use it. make me feel like i still have a use. give me some way to make up for even fucking existing #i guess i was doin some good back when i still let val take all his aggressions out on me so he had an outlet aside from doll #i'd be ok w/ him just usin me but he's always so fucking cruel about it.#i really really really wanna cut but he'd be so fucking angry i'm scared of what he'd do #i just. can't someone just fucking use me. do whatever you want to my body n tell me i'm not a waste of space cause i make you feel good #tell me i'm a good boy #spdrvent

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