#i wish i could spell out the sounds i'm making irl

[crxw1ey]

he looks so fucking stupid man. that gold tooth just peeking out like ouuh I know he thought he'd look so cool and badass with it but he just looks punchable. I need to kiss him all over his dumb idiot face.

[thana-topsy]

Fic Lines! Tag Game~

Thank you to @dirty-bosmer @kookaburra1701 @elfinismsarts @friend-of-giants @mareenavee @ehlnofeh and... anyone else who tagged me that I might have missed. It's been hectic irl for me, and I haven't gotten a chance to devote a lot of time to Tumblr Tings, but this seemed like a lot of fun.

I'm gonna try to pull from "Breathing Water" and "Liminal Bridges", since I'm currently working on the latter -- so I'll include some unpublished stuff from that as well!

The rules are to share:

A line from your fic that makes you laugh

“You’re in a mood,” Neloth declared through a chuckle. “And you’re distracting me. Which is not helpful, mind you.”  Teldryn leaned in a bit closer. “Is that a bad thing?” “Shoo. Away with you.” Neloth flapped a hand at him. “Let me do my work. Unless you had a terribly important reason for coming to find me.”  “Maybe I just missed you.”  “Yes, well, absence does make the heart grow fonder. So go away.”

(from Liminal Bridges) Neloth and Teldryn's banter makes me laugh a lot.

A line from your fic that makes you sad

“I do…” Neloth began, and Teldryn jumped ever so slightly. Neloth’s voice was so ragged that he felt a little startled himself, barely recognizing the sound. He cleared his throat. “I do… feel.” He twisted the stiff bedroll between his fingers. “I do.” Teldryn said nothing, continuing to look straight ahead.  “It’s just…” He didn’t know where he was going with this, but the words were clawing their way out of him, like some kind of sick, emaciated animal emerging from a cave. “I don’t think I… feel… correctly .”

(from Breathing Water)

A line from your fic you're proud of

For a long moment, all he could see was darkness. Then, the shimmering light of his spell began to catch the edges of shapes, vague and distant. Dozens of ships, scattered like the splintered bones of giants across the ocean floor.

(from Breathing Water)

A line from your fic you think could have been better

Neloth hadn't quite gotten used to the new way of things.

(from Liminal Bridges) I actually went in and altered this line to read: "Neloth had difficulty adapting to the new way of things." but I'm still not entirely satisfied with it. Bleh... best not overthink it too much, I reckon.

A line from your fic that makes you want to punch a character

“It’s not like you even teach me,” Talvas argued. “You just use me as a–a slave.”  “I’ve owned many slaves, my dear boy. If you view the meager work I assign to you as akin to slavery, then there’s no doubt you are just as weak as I previously anticipated. You would have found yourself in shackles had you lived in Morrowind not two hundred years ago.” He sneered, beginning to turn away. “But very well. Get out of my sight. Such spinelessness is unbefitting of anyone who wishes to carry on the legacy of House Telvanni.”

(from a yet-unpublished chapter of Liminal Bridges!) I want to punch Neloth often. It's why I love him so much.

A line from your fic that makes you go 'aww'

“Cold are you?”  “Damn you,” Neloth retorted, looping a leg around one of Teldryn’s. He was as hot as a furnace and Neloth groaned at the warmth, wriggling his frozen toes beneath Teldryn’s calves.  “Aye!” he yelped, trying to jerk away. “You have icicles for feet, you bloody frost troll!” “It’s your duty as my partner to warm my feet,” Neloth argued, tugging the covers up around his shoulders and shifting down to press himself against Teldryn’s side.  “Partner, is it?”  Neloth looked up, a flicker of panic catching in his chest. He’d said that, hadn’t he? Partner. Teldryn was looking down at him with soft eyes, the barest hint of a smirk playing at the corners of his lips.  Neloth cleared his throat. “Would you prefer a different term?”   “No.” Teldryn slid further beneath the covers, wrapping a warm arm around Neloth’s waist. “No, not at all. I… I like that.” He pulled their bodies together, no longer flinching away from Neloth’s cold feet. “And I certainly need to uphold my duties.”

(from Liminal Bridges)

A line from your fic that's full of symbolism

Neloth said nothing, chewing nervously at the side of his tongue as Teldryn slipped a hand beneath his linen undershirt, running a warm, smooth palm across his sides. What on Nirn had possessed him to say ‘partner’? It was supposed to have been harmless banter; their usual back-and-forth. Now, the future stretched before him in branching uncertainty, sprouting delicate buds of possibility that could so easily be clipped or stunted by the cold.

(from Liminal Bridges) A continuation from the scene that "makes me go 'aww'". Honestly it took a while to pick a snippet. I write in unintentional symbolism all the time, or so it's been pointed out to me lol. That, and I love metaphor.

A line from your fic that contains an Easter egg

“For now, we need to try to talk our way out of this. I don’t think I’ll be able to cast any time soon.”  Teldryn let out a low chuckle. “Well, luckily, that’s something I can do.” He unstrapped his bracer and pulled his right glove off. On his middle finger sat a glimmering ring – a moon and star. “I can be incredibly convincing.”

(from Breathing Water) The Moon and Star ring has a charisma boon -- it fortifies personality and speechcraft LMAO.

A line from your fic that's shocking

He looked down at his own body and a wave of sickness washed over him, coupled with the feeling that what he was seeing couldn’t possibly be real: a sword protruding from the center of his stomach.

(from Breathing Water)

A line from your fic you want to talk about more

Agatha huffed a laugh under her breath, removing an empty alembic and replacing it with a kettle on her alchemy workbench. “Your charisma is one of your greatest strengths, Mister Sero. You would make a good diplomat.” “I beg to differ,” he scoffed. “Look at all the good it did me in the First Era.”  A sudden coldness settled behind his breastbone at his own words. An odd slip-up. He’d taken great care throughout his life to separate himself from Nerevar. The phantom memories that came to him in dreams, the loyalties he couldn’t seem to shake, the opinions that seemed to spring from his head fully formed, as if crafted by decades of experience… No. It was the result of knowing his history—knowing Morrowind’s history. Teldryn Sero and Indoril Nerevar were not the same person. To imply otherwise was too frightening.

(from an unpublished future chapter of Liminal Bridges!)

The difference between past Topsy writing Breathing Water and current Topsy writing Liminal Bridges, is that I've actually PLAYED Morrowind now and have a lot more insight into the whole Nerevarine business. And I really wanted to dig a little harder into Teldryn's relationship with being the Nerevarine, specifically what that means for him psychologically. I know there are 100 different ways to spin the reincarnation, but I've settled on the shape of "He's literally just Nerevar".

I tag @vidvana @trickstarbrave @tkwritesdumbassassins @daedrabait and anyone else who wants to jump in and hasn't already been tagged!

[storyteller-kara]

Writing Questions

Thank you @valisilissa-koilos for the tag!

What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

My favorite idea I ever had would be my current WIP, The Fall Of Septhis. Out of all my stories I written in the past, this one is going to be my first finished novel. The idea at first was a small one for my bigger stories, until I expanded it more. Making it the first to come of many more down the line.

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?

I haven't been asked a ton of questions but one question I love and think about is the type of flower that represents my current WIP. I love the idea of having a certain flower that symbolizes something have the same idea to symbolize my story. Makes it feel more connected to our word even though it's fiction.

What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

My favorite part of being a writer is seeing how people take my writing and either ask questions or want more of it. To see people love my work and generally want me from a very small names writer makes me so happy. I love answering questions about my work it helps me expand on my own word more.

(I answer any questions lol)

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

My greatest motivation I would say are my friends. Such as @valisilissa-koilos and her wife. My irl friends and even the friends I also make online. For me to finally find people who support me with something I done on my own for years makes me always want to write more. Also music is a great motivation for me cause I can imagine so much from them.

What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

It would have to be from my old creative writing teacher, she told me there is no such thing as a bad idea. And that of you can dream about it, you can write it.

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

I wish I knew how tricky English actually was. Looking back and even now I'm still a bit bad at English. I used to make up so much words which weren't properly spelled right. If I understood English was so tricky, I think I would have a better handle on it.

What is your favorite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

That would have to be my very short story called His Eyes. It's a short story with two of my favorite characters who absolutely hate each other to the point that their fate is intertwining with their hate. Out of all the short small stories I made of them, this one is my favorite. (You can read it here)

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

I would have to say Zelos. He's one of those characters that even though they believe they're doing the right thing or in general believe something is right, nine times out of ten it's not. Sometimes I feel like he sounds like he's been brainwashed, other times I feel like certain things he's say is so dumb.

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

Young me: Did we ever publish those FNAF stories?

Older me: *light chuckle* No we didn't, but we made something even better.

Young me: So we still write?

Older me: Yes, we do. And we can finally call ourselves an author.

[bonesandthebees]

Internship is certainly going. I want to say going okay… I could be doing better but I kinda got unlucky with my internship spot and workload. This would be much easier to explain if I could just say what kinda of internship it is, but that kinda feels like too much details both for my current degree and the job I’ll be doing after. (Internet safety and all that). Anyway, what I can say is that anyone in the field irl pulls a face when they hear about my internship. The workload feels impossible, but somehow I’m doing it and I’m about half way through so *aggressively knocks on wood* it should be fine.

I do have a different internship in like a month or so and some other projects but those feel like child’s play compared to the current hell incarnate. So moral of the story: sometimes you just get to have a few mental breakdowns, pick yourself back up and go again the next day (again and again and again and again). It’s like that quote: [“It gets a little bit easier every day, but you have to keep doing it.”] or what’s the other one? [the only way out is through]. And then take plenty of breaks and do fun things even if it feels like you don’t have the time because that’s the only thing that’ll keep you going. The world is always more manageable after a good meal or a power nam or a 15 minute music break.

I’ve been blasting a lot of music based on moods, getting back into Dutch music because girl, I need to learn how to spell properly and every internship I have a song that gets me through. This one it’s ‘secret for the mad’ by Dodie. I’ve had to loop it over and over to get the motivation to try at times, to really let the words sink in, but it helps. So find a song to get you through when you need it.

Lastly, I’ve been meaning to say something about Him, but I just haven’t had the time and energy to write something coherent (aka I’m not using my 30 minutes of evening downtime that are just for me for this negative energy). Best thing is can say is that this is a good opportunity to get into new creators. Just have fun with it (hermitcraft season 10 has been getting be through this). Listen to new music. Try new things to fill the void. I’ve pruned all my playlists and social media follows and such and it felt like a fresh start. (Oh and learned your red flags people. People who don’t respect your boundaries (no matter how small) can be(come) very dangerous.)

My only issue now is that I can play since I saw Vienna and La Jolla on guitar (the picking patterns always smooth me), but now I’m not sure if I can keep doing that. I haven’t tried playing them. I feel like I should look at the lyrics first then decide. But I haven’t found any picking songs with the same soothing vibe, so I’ve been playing a bunch of my classical pieces and I really like playing the ‘romantic’ ones and for some reason the polkas and the blues? So again filling the void.

Anyway, thanks for all the well wishes. I’ve been missing you guys. This has been chaotic life updates with Spruce. I really need to start being productive now. So, bye!

-🌲

yeah of course don't say any details that would reveal too much info about you, but man that sounds stressful :( at least you'll switch to something else in a month?? I'm so sorry you're stuck in hell rn I hope you get through it alright!! make sure to take it easy when you can!! you're so right the world is so much easier to deal with after a power nap or a snack

oooo I haven't heard secret for the mad in a long time but I used to listen to dodie from time to time. I used to think of such angsty scenarios with my ships while listening to 'sick of losing soulmates'

also it's so real to have a song to help you get through shit like that. I'd say rn for me one of those songs is all american bitch by olivia rodrigo because I just have a lot of fun screaming it in the car. tested waters by loupe is a calmer one I've been listening to on repeat lately

you're right this is a great opportunity to get into new creators. I was already drifting to watching qsmp creators more often besides just phil and tubbo, but now I've been trying to tune into bagi and tina's streams if I have the time

definitely look at the lyrics first, but I feel like out of most of the ycgma songs since I saw vienna and la jolla are two of the 'safest' options you could pick for something like that. at least compared to your sister was right and losing face...

la jolla and since i saw vienna are both such pretty songs though. there's nothing wrong with playing those on your own guitar I'd say? it's not giving any money to him. but of course it's up to your own personal comfort.

good luck spruce!!! ty for checking in we all miss you over here!! <33

[misc-obeyme]

First of all, I love your Mc's name, Ciaran, it's unique, appealing, and has a certain charm to it. It's sweet and pretty, fitting a playful and troublemaker personality. Its sound is cute and attractive, and I love the fact that Ciaran is rebellious and carefree, making schemes with Satan and Belphie and not getting well with Lucifer at first.

His discipline ass can not handle disobedience, and most importantly, he can't even handle his own brothers, now he has to take care of another troublemaker. But deep down I think he would find Ciaran adorable. Meanwhile, Mammon would find them cool and as alwaus he would be their bitch, hjssjaha!

Literally you're Mc sounds like mine, same personality same style and I love it!

Ah, thank you, anon!

I came across the name Ciaran a long time ago and it just really stuck with me. I know the more common English spelling is Kieran but I just like the spelling of Ciaran better. And while it's a traditionally male name, I think it can still be used for a gender neutral non binary character. Plus, it just fits them, like you say!

I'm a very quiet and shy person irl, but I've always wanted to be rebellious and carefree. That's why Ciaran ended up that way, I think. It was partly because I wanted to create a character who was all the things I wished I could be, but also partly because I wanted a character who would butt heads with some of the canon characters.

I feel like everybody, especially the brothers, really love MC. And I wanted an MC character who was more volatile, who didn't get along with everybody at first. I wanted them to work harder for their friendships and for some them, their romantic relationships.

Ciaran is not fond of authority and they really don't like being told what to do. They would find Lucifer annoying at best. He would constantly be irritating them and causing their anger to explode. But Ciaran also tends to feel bad about losing their temper. So while it takes some time, eventually Lucifer and Ciaran learn how to get along with each other. If I really wanted to, I could write their story in a way that would allow them to be in a romantic relationship, too. It'd be like a billion word slow burn though lol.

Mammon was kind of the one character that I felt actually would be friends with Ciaran almost instantly. They're a lot alike and I think they'd be thick as thieves (literally). Ciaran is totally the kind of person who would not only go along with Mammon's schemes, but have ideas for them, too.

The Anti Lucifer League is a little trickier because Ciaran has serious issues with Belphie for a while. But once they get past that, plus with Satan involved, I think they would be an important addition. Because Ciaran would love to prank Lucifer and probably has a lot of ridiculous ideas.

Anyway, I've been using writing about Ciaran as kind of a warm up for working on Arrie's story, so I've been writing a lot about Ciaran's relationship with the characters. I've thought about posting some of that writing, but I always chicken out lol.

I think it's great that our MCs are similar! I'm sure they'd be friends!

[killermediathread71]

LUNACID

I've known Kiras other works for a good long while and I respect their work when it comes to their atmasphere, sound and visual design, and so on but their games never grabbed me from a gameplay perspective. But being a big FROMSOFT head and getting into the KF series I was for sure interested in Lunacid. Having finishing it and getting all the endings I had a pretty fun time with it overall but its got a bunch of issues that hold it back in my eyes. A few big, but mostly minor. For minor stuff examples like as much as I really liked the soundtrack over half of it did not fit the game at all. And it really sticks out like a sore thumb. While not an issue technically not having a map isn't a bad thing someone whose terrible at directions like me needs one cause my ass got lost multiple times. Even KF1 had a map you can find and while the map wasn't that helpful in areas sure it could at least help where you've been or not. I don't think the weapon EXP system is bad but it is kind of annoying to slowly build it up. But its only for a handful of them and there's a few that have some neat gimmicks behind them so its not a major issue.

Stuff I actually didn't like though I think the game having no pause button is dumb. Considering you only have very limited slots to use and with how much swapping you tend to do switching weapons and spells mid combat will most likely get you killed and I think Kira making it that way brings it down a little. Some probably aren't bothered by that but it bugs me a lot. I also think the boss fights were kinda ass. Granted (at least in KF1) that applies to the games it was inspired by so it fits but they were not very enjoyable. At least there's only two. I'm still annoying the final boss soft locked itself and I had to redo the entire thing all over again. I don't hate the alternate endings but them being annoying obtuse just bugs me. "Oh but thats the point though!" I mean sure for ending B I'm not that bothered by (minus the bit where you need to wait for an actuall irl full moon or set your computer date to when one appears next cause thats extremely silly) but for ending CD there's (at least to my kownladge) no hint to find out how to get it. And ending E I think is just kinda dumb. Won't say what cause of spoilers but I don't think it should of been in the game. You can keep the last bit of it in but the main thing about it needs a big rework in my opinion. This is the longest post I've made yet and most of it is me complaining and being a piss baby lol. But I do mean it when I say the game is worth looking into if you're into FPS RPGs. It's not 100% King's Field and I do wish it was more of a slower game like it but Lunacid still does a lot of cool and fun/funny things with a great soundtrack and great atmasphere with a fun enough combat loop. Don't let my complaining and dumb bickering push you away from trying the game out.

[fates-theysband]

💖 have you ever been in love? are you in love rn?

🌹 what do you think are the most romantic flowers other than roses?

🍫 do you have a favorite chocolate or sweet?💗 how do you show you care? what do people do that makes you feel loved?

🕊 what do you think about marriage? how would you like to be proposed to?

🍰 what’s your favorite dessert to eat? do you have a favorite to make?💘 you would fall in love with someone who…

⚘💝💕

💫 do you get crushes easily? what makes you fall for someone?

🍓 what are you doing for valentine’s day? do you have any self care plans?

🍦 what are ten things you love about youself?

❣ red, pink, or purple? glitter or sequins? silk or velvet?

readmore for long

💖 have you ever been in love? are you in love rn?

i have been before! until...coming up on a year ago i was in a relationship (we broke it off, we just weren't compatible anymore). right now i am extremely taking it easy on irl romantic stuff. sort of a romantic gap year while i figure stuff out. i honestly am probably arospec in a real-life context.

🌹 what do you think are the most romantic flowers other than roses?

not to sound like a 2012 tumblr girlie (<- technically is a 2012 tumblr girlie) but sunflowers

🍫 do you have a favorite chocolate or sweet?

i love truffles so much. i've eaten two bags of them since february began.

💗 how do you show you care? what do people do that makes you feel loved?

i am a big physical affection person and also i just like...doing things for people. like YES i will watch your dog YES i will run to the store for you YES i will spot you some cash so you can eat after rent hits

i also feel super loved by just like...being known. i mentioned before that my bil sends me every tbh creature meme he finds. my brother sends me tma memes. my friends will send me everything related to cephalopods and skeletons they find. even my mom, as fraught as my relationship with her is, will send me things related to movies or bands she knows i like.

🕊 what do you think about marriage? how would you like to be proposed to?

my view on marriage is, at this current point in my life, similar to that of ms. whoopi goldberg: i don't want somebody in my house

seriously though...hghhh the thought stresses me out. commitment scary. if i actually did get to that point with someone i would NOT want a big showy proposal. nobody fucking look at me. take me somewhere romantic and/or significant to our relationship and propose to me there.

🍰 what’s your favorite dessert to eat? do you have a favorite to make?

i love love love cheesecake!!! i found frozen japanese-style cheesecakes at costco once (they're not at my location anymore but i still have one in my freezer) and those are fantastic. i like making various types of bread. my mom swears by my lemon bread but im not impressed with it and i think i do a better job with pumpkin bread (had a family friend polish off an entire loaf of it in like, two hours once).

💘 you would fall in love with someone who…

uh...i dont think i have a good answer for this one. not a huge amount of experience playing the field here.

⚘ what’s your have a type?

i super don't have one lol im a romantic wildcard. you don't know what i'm gonna do next and neither do i!

💝 what gift would you like to receive? what type do you like to give?

i can answer the ones i like giving more readily so ill start there. i like coming up with gifts i feel are practical based on the person's hobbies or interests or that remind me of them.

i really like getting handmade gifts. like my best friend is a very crafty person so she makes gifts for basically every occasion. and my bil made me those spell bottles i mentioned earlier. which reminds me, i gotta text him for the directions.

💕 vague about your crush or paterner?

well in an irl context i am the most single of pringles rn. How Ever...i sure do wish A CERTAIN SOMEONE was real right now so i could kiss him. on the mouth.

💫 do you get crushes easily? what makes you fall for someone?

i super do not. i have a long-held fantasy of feeling comfortable infodumping to someone who was genuinely interested in what i had to say so the day i can unleash the madness to the full extent it's over.

🍓 what are you doing for valentine’s day? do you have any self care plans?

the answer to "what are you doing for valentine's day" is currently "probably my laundry 😔" bc that's an hour and a half round trip so it's an all day deal. the day before (since that's the common day off between me and my friends) i'm gonna go see my buddies and eat pizza and play some viddy games though.

🍦 what are ten things you love about youself?

i do think im like, actually funny and witty

i'm actually starting to like my writing.

i have fucking impeccable fashion sense.

i am starting to realize that oh, yeah, i can be cute.

i'm starting to grow a spine??? what the fuck??? new development but welcome

i do think i have a nice voice.

i hate myself a lot less than i did when i was younger

i used to like, wonder if i would ever be emotionally mature enough to be a person but i think i actually have been all along.

i like. believe myself now when i say i'm doing everything i can to be a good person and put good things into the world.

my taste in music is also impeccable.

❣ red, pink, or purple? glitter or sequins? silk or velvet?

Ourple, sequins especially if they're the flippy ones, i like both silk and velvet but if my nails accidentally graze against silk the wrong way i explode so velvet

[baddingtonbitch]

Do you have an opinion on Joy/Joy Forever by Jean Patou? I used to like Joy and had a few sample vials and I just blind-bought Joy Forever and am becoming concerned that on me it smells like The Phantom of the Opera, and not in a good way. Should I just layer it with something more bright and sweet?

unfortunately i haven't encountered or tried either but they sound pretty interesting. Joy Forever sounds really pretty and like something i would blind buy as well based on the notes but i think i know what you mean, i've taken a chance on ones before thinking they'd be sweeter but then something about the mix of florals feels a bit heavy/dusty/stuffy if that's what you mean by phantom of the opera lol. layering could definitely work, when i want to update or brighten something i try to find a bodyspray rather than a perfume because they're cheaper and usually simpler so there's less notes to potentially clash or overwhelm each other. i've got a few victoria's secret bodysprays i use exclusively for layering because they're cheap and strong and long lasting. they're a bit too simple or too sweet to wear on their own usually but they mix well. there's ones that are sort of single note ones like vanilla, amber, and coconut and i use those the most. i have a couple of the themed or named ones which are a little more layered themselves and i'm still trying to see what they work well with. like there's one called love spell that has a good kick of peach but too much other stuff going on, i'm looking for a simpler peach bodyspray or lotion to layer under Tresor because even though i do love it sometimes it feels a bit dry and heavy and the tobacco comes through more than i'd like and it feels a bit TOO vintage.

if i had joy forever i might try to find something to emphasise the peach or orange notes or even experiment with adding other citrus notes to see if they blend in, it might brighten it up a bit. but also if you don't like bodysprays or find them too cloying you could try looking for something from Demeter, they've got tons of really specific scents but are kind of known for not having the greatest longevity, complexity or projection which imo makes them a great layering library. i have a couple rollerball ones, fresh coffee, pistachio and ocean which i sometimes dab on over things they work with. i guess just accentuate the notes you like most of joy forever and supplement them or punch them up with other products and see if that balances out the ones you don't love. you could experiment with layering it with other full perfumes if you think all of their notes would play well together but it might take some trial and error. i've layered some things i totally thought would work and they absolutely didn't lol.

sorry for rambling so much! i hope at least some of this helps, i wish i knew what joy forever smelled like irl so i could give a bit more of an informed opinion lol. good luck and thank you for asking me! <3

[dreamdropsystemarchive]

😅 that's alright. It gets overwhelming when you have a lot of things you want to do. Magic is so cool, and doing it is too,irl or not! Thank you! I wish you guys luck too!

Oh! I have a couple of friends who do spells irl. I asked them a few questions, and I just need a few ingredients to be able do a spell! It's actually pretty exciting. It may take a while for us to be able to go to the store though... But I'll be able to do magic irl o-o

Omg, same.. I have major imposter syndrome. I always feel like my memories and illnesses are fabricated, so when someone invalidates me, it's really hard. I already think I'm delusional and crazy myself, so it always just makes things worse when someone treats me that way. I was told the same things as a kid, and learned to keep everything to myself. I'm trying to open up more and it's hard :( it really sucks.

I believe you guys are going through the things you say you are though! You guys aren't crazy or delusional.

I'm glad things are going well with the mental health team too! I hope they're understanding and nice and treating you guys well..

Wishing you guys luck! It's hard to stop hurting yourself when you do it to cope.. I get that too.. it's hard to restrict yourself from eating. It really sucks.. I end up eating until my tummy hurts if I restrict a lot. It's really hard. sending good vibes! 🌟

That's awesome though! Wigs really help you feel better about your body sometimes, cool clothes too. That's cool though! I hope they enjoy wearing the clothes when out!

I'm glad communication has gotten better too! It's very hard communicating, so anything that makes it easier is a big help. Unn sounds really cool!

That's awesome! I'm glad they were able to do that if it makes them happy! I'd be happy to listen if they want to talk about it :3 if Shane wants to talk about it too, I'll listen as well! I don't have any questions about BIID that I can think of... But I'll ask if I do :3

Yeah.. It's hard when your outward appearance doesn't match your internal one.. the most you can do is try to make it look as similar as you can and it's hard sometimes. I actually think about taking my eyes out a lot too.. I need my eyes to see, but they kinda suck..

I have bad eyesight too.. I hate having to wear glasses, but in my dreams and everything I don't have to. I'd prefer not to wear them, but then I wouldn't be able to see and that's low-key terrifying.

The voices really suck. It's especially sucky when they tell you to hurt someone else because you know what it's like to be hurt and would never do that to someone else :(

I'll try to be safe! You guys stay safe too 🥺

Oh! Sometimes I get my arm to fall asleep to pretend it's not there too.. it helps when you can't feel it. For my eye, I just close it and pretend it not there. Legs are pretty hard to get to fall asleep though.. at least for me, but it's definitely better than cutting parts off your body

I do that too! I have a few OCs with amputated limbs, wings, horns and stuff. You guys stay safe too! <3

Oh! Something I remembered just now is that when I was younger, I used to cut off the circulation to my arms and legs until they'd turn purple because I wanted my hands and feet to fall off. I don't do it anymore though.

I'm here for you guys too if you need to talk about something (: emotions are indeed hard.. being mentally ill sucks real bad too

Mm, my parents always make everything I tell them out to be an overreaction.. and invalidate me too.. :( they also won't allow me to see a therapist, or go anywhere really, and anywhere we go they force me to, but.. I've seen some online therapists? I'm not sure how good they'd be, but I think it's better than not having one at all? It really depends. I heard they don't vet online therapists so that's scary. And having read Melvina's Therapy, it's scary knowing I could have a bad therapist.

:/ sorry about that rant.. I'll try an online therapist? If they're free that is.. but I'll see what I can do. If anything seems weird or off, then I'll just get outta there.

And aww thank you! I really hope I'm a good sibling.. It's okay though. Late replies are fine. Y'all have a lot of stuff going on I'm sure.

I watched a lot of stuff actually! I watched some Onegai My Melody, Perfect Blue (I don't like the way they represented DID in it though..) Wordgirl, Arthur, Adventure Time, MLP, and some other stuff like The Rings System videos again.

Hmm, right now I'm listening to some music and kinda sorta daydreaming.. I'm doing kinda alright. Not feeling the best, but it's okay.

You're doing well Andy! Protecting is hard, but you're doing well I'd say!

I hope everything goes/went well though with the introductions! It sounds like things are very hard. Sending some good vibes ✨✨

-🌺

(also sorry for the mile long ask.. don't feel the need to answer right away. Your guy's mental health is much more important to me than some silly ask)

okay this is a lont ask ill try to keep the convo going for this

we hope the magic stuff goes well! we hope so too for us :)

imposter syndrome suck we get that

thank you for believing us. it means a lot.

we're sorey your parents do that. that really sucks. were also sorry you cant get therapy. when your older we hope you can reach out and get some. online therapy could work. a school counselor could work too. They couuld force your parents / strongy advice your parents to get you into therapy. were sorry you cannt get one though. we hope you can soon and get the help you need. were not professionals but we're here for support! but yes look into online therapy, IRL/online support groups, etc.

We've seen aww those but Perfect Blue wdk they had someone with DID in it? we never have looked into it. now we wanna watch.

what do you daydream about? a lot of us maladaptive daydream and have many paracoms and paras and its so much to keep track of especially with having a system, a polyfragmented system! makes it even harder!!

we're sorry youre not doing well, we arent either

yes Andy is a very good protector. theyre great.

we love your asks. we get overwhelmed when we get them but most of our asks are nice and kind and well meaning so :) we dont mind your aso even if they're hella long - Shane

[will-o-the-witch]

Hey! : ) Hope you're having a wonderful spring day!! I saved a particularly nice jar and I was wondering if you had any tips on how to use it. Not necessarily spells, but cool things you might do with a jar. I was thinking of making a miniworld in it (like a diorama kinda, where it looks like a place you could find irl, but everything is super tiny, if that makes sense) but I also worship Pan, so I'm not sure yet. Fav things to do with cool jars? : ) Thanks! Have a blessed day! : )

Hey there! This is a very fun question. :) So I have a small collection of cool-looking bottles that I save in case I get a nice opportunity to use them. A miniature scene sounds like a really cool idea! You could also make it a little wishing or blessing jar, writing either things you want to manifest or things you’re thankful for and collecting them, maybe alongside things like ticket stubs and fortune cookie fortunes! I’m probably about to get some lucky star origami paper to make a little star bottle and write little gratitude moments on them and collect them in a fancy bottle. It’s not really a proper “spell” but I’m hoping to sort of make it a beacon for good vibes. ^^ You could collect bits of dirt from meaningful places to have a sand jar-type thing with different layers! 

If you do canning or cooking at all, you could also use them for jams/jellies/sauces and things and just have that extra #aesthetic in your kitchen! Maybe also painting a picture on the inside of the jar, letting it dry, and THEN making a glitter jar out it so it has decorations inside? That’s all the ideas I have at the moment, but that sounds really cool and fun and I’m excited to see what you do with them! 

[shinichirosanosimp]

"the warmth of your warm skin against his cool fingertips" jo is once again rediscovering her temp kink 😶

this shibari description is absolutely *mwah* chefs kiss!!! I read it over and over again cuz it made me dizzy (in a good way 😵‍💫🥵)

"you're on display, like a butterfly mounted in a case, pinned in place for his pleasure" such a beautiful description ❤️ it makes me feel so dainty and pretty 😣🥰

"he pulls you closer with the knot at your sternum" IS GONNA MAKE ME GO FERAL plz manhandle me shin 🥺

"the world slow around you the second his thumb grazes your clit. the walls that surround you begin to spin, and the lights make your eyes ache" I'm literally under a spell rn 😍 im dizzy, im horny, im in love it's such a perfect description ❤❤

WIMPERING AND STRUGGLING AGAINST MY RESTRAINTS??? ASKSLFHSIENZJS I WANT IT SO BAD 😣 AND HE LIKES THE SOUND OF MY CRIES???? 🥴 SOAKED

"shhhh it's okay baby" and "you're doin' so good for me, aren't you?"!!!! *robot voice* praise kink activated 🤖🖲

IM LITERALLY SUCH A SUCKER FOR "good girl"!!! 😣😵‍💫🥺

"he can't withhold his desire much longer"????? HELP IM IN LOVE

"you nod with a desperation that only comes out when you're vulnerable like this." AAAAAAAAAA IM A GENUINE CLOWN™️ IRL BUT IM SUCH A FUCKING SUB ITS NOT FUNNY 😣😣 so this line done got me 😳

the cock to clit is so 🤌🤌🤌💋

"all tied up for him" I'm gonna faint 😵‍💫😫

"desperate for his cock and practically begging for more" THERES NO PRACTICALLY ABOUT IT PLZ SIR 🤲

ALSHSKAHXUSK DOMS MOANING! A1! TOP TIER! 😍

"your words hit him like a wave against rocks, flooding his mind with a euphoric bliss that spills over his body as he pushes you to the edge of your high" that is some of the prettiest fucking writing I've ever read 🥺

"fuck princess, you're-- so good for me... fuck" I'm melting 🥴😵‍💫

"Shin wishes he could stay here forever..." THE AFTERGLOW WAS CAPTURED PERFECTLY 🥺

AND MARKS LEFT BEHIND TO TOP IT ALL OFF??? AKDHXIDBSIXBDB I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH ITS AMAZING THANK YOU KC

— EXIST FOR LOVE

⨳ WARNINGS. shibari, fem!reader, soft!dom!shinichiro, creampie, shinichiro is soft and gentle and sweet <3 reader has nipple piercings

⨳ WORD COUNT. 2k

⨳ NOTE. with the recent chapters I finally got that burst of inspiration to write this commission for @shinichirosanosimp <3

SHINICHIRO’S HANDS fumble with the silky cords that drape across his legs— he’s nervous, and he wonders if you can tell from the beat of his heart and the way his chest rises and falls with his trepidation. but his nerves are the last thing you notice, especially when your body is on display for him, and the shiny metal of your piercings poke through the lacy fabric of your bra just enough to catch his eye.

he’s never failed to be flustered by you. he’s never failed to let his cheeks flush bright pink every time his eyes fall on your body as he admires the way the light hits your curves and the softness of your skin. if he could bury himself in your body for an eternity, he certainly would, but the shift of your thighs pressed together as you try to hide yourself from this trancelike gaze brings him back to reality.

Keep reading

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Nancy

Rio: You know Rio: If you like, I could sleep with Mr. Tomlinson Rio: Take the heat and shine off you all in one, just ask Nancy: It's a kind offer Nancy: But it's not gonna fix any of the important stuff Nancy: And it's not like you deserve any of what would come from that unholy union Rio: Okay, you could give me names of the worst offenders and I'll sort them out Rio: not in similar fashion to teach, of course Rio: How are you really though, babe? Stupid question but gotta come Nancy: You can't take on half the school, Rio Nancy: If it was that easy I'd still be in London Nancy: Maybe it's a stupid question but I've only got an obvious answer so Rio: Sure I can Rio: Ain't my first rodeo Rio: Is there anything of actual use I can do to make everything not totally shit or? Nancy: Don't be nice to me Nancy: I can't handle it Nancy: And I just re-applied my make-up Rio: You ain't wronged me Rio: along with half the School, like but they LOVE taking shit personal when 10 minutes ago it was Quinn who? Rio: And we've all put our waterproof to the test before Nancy: If it was just her I wouldn't be thinking about leaving Nancy: Tristan literally has half the school on his side and it's not like I can blame him Rio: It's just insecurity Rio: 'cos you're not a total sadcase like the kids she usually works with, can't pick on them for loving on his Ma or swinging at her whatever Rio: he's just taking out his blatant issues about it 'cos he ain't had the chance before Nancy: Am I not? What would you call me? Nancy: Yeah, bit like how I was with his dad Nancy: At least he's got real issues, I've got...imaginary emotions? Or something Rio: Hmm Rio: I might throw hopeless romantic at you if I'm feeling really savage Rio: Nah, they ain't imaginary Rio: How much easier if they were Nancy: Hopeless is right Nancy: But I doubt either Sian or Quinn would call me romantic Nancy: Well, they weren't real. None of it was Rio: Not the fantasy in your head but the feelings were Rio: you can try and discredit them if it helps but in my experience, usually a pointless exercise Rio: but painful enough to feel somewhat fitting of a punishment, right? a start, at the very least Nancy: Ouch. Calling it a fantasy sounds....yeah let's not Nancy: I know you've got a point, that I should have let you make earlier Nancy: God, how did I let myself end up here Nancy: What the hell Rio: Sorry, as if the world wasn't ready to burst your bubble, like Rio: Shit happens Rio: You can't control it Rio: Arguably could've controlled it enough to not get to that point but I ain't got room or desire to judge too harshly Nancy: It's fine, I've heard worse from the world Nancy: I can though. I had been Nancy: Or so I thought Rio: 'Til you didn't Rio: exactly Rio: It's done now, the rumour mill will do it's thing, then you'll be free to deal with the actual mess in your head Nancy: It's his fault Nancy: The prick Nancy: I wouldn't have lost control if he didn't first Rio: Yeah Rio: She sounds devious Rio: Why her, like Nancy: He hates me and so does she Nancy: Match made, like Rio: He doesn't hate you, babe Rio: He's just an idiot Nancy: Okay, he hasn't forgiven me then Nancy: Point is, he's mad at me Rio: At least you've got reason to be mad at him now too, yeah? Rio: Fair fight Nancy: Like I need a reason, he didn't have one Rio: Yeah, not how he sees it though Rio: maybe you can get it all out there now Nancy: He sees things to suit him Nancy: Always has Nancy: Everything about her was right there for him to see before I left and after Rio: Yeah, it's fucked up Nancy: I shouldn't have to spell it out to him, he was right there Rio: I know Rio: I don't think it's like that Rio: like it's still shitty Rio: but it's not like, love Rio: he ain't like that, if nothing else, thank fuck, yeah Nancy: It doesn't make me feel any better Nancy: There's always girls around him, he didn't need to get with her Nancy: All their friends remember, they tagged me, so he can't have forgotten what she's like and everything she did Rio: He looked wasted Rio: in her photos Nancy: Lesbian or not, I know if he was that wasted he wouldn't have been able to get it up for her Nancy: It's not an excuse Rio: Let's not think about the logisitics Rio: it's not personal, physical reactions Nancy: You can say that, it doesn't matter to you Nancy: If he's so mad at me for moving to Dublin he shouldn't sleep with one of the main reasons why I had to Rio: Have you said this to him yet? Nancy: Fuck no Nancy: And I'm not going to Nancy: He knows what she did, he didn't stop it, whatever I didn't ask him to, but he still had a front row seat Nancy: She made sure everyone did Rio: Wouldn't it make you feel better, to rip him a new one? Nancy: Not really Nancy: I've tried enough times before Nancy: And she's the least of my worries now that half this school hates me and the other half loves me in a way I don't want, ever Rio: I can hear the threesome offers from here Rio: Ugh Nancy: Like, I get it, I'm a cliche, let me list the ways for you but then go away Rio: Keeps your inbox fun and fresh, I guess? Rio: Is it gonna be hate or love, know the feeling Nancy: I haven't even asked how you are! Nancy: Letting myself down in all the ways Rio: Oh God, same old, same old, no need to depress yourself further Nancy: Not to be like my brother and his (lack of) coping mechanisms yet again, but can we go out? Nancy: I'm over being staring at my walls or my phone crying or trying not to Rio: 'Course Rio: you're allowed to drown your sorrows at least 3 more times 'fore I'm calling you out on the parallels Rio: Anywhere with cheap drinks and GRL POWER bops? Nancy: Anywhere that my haters won't be Nancy: Because now I've called them haters which is the WORST thing Rio: 😂 Rio: May as well call 'em motivators whilst you're at it and be done with it Nancy: Sounded like a soundbite from my mum's mouth Nancy: That's the last straw. I wanna die Rio: Not before you've got a 'round in Nancy: If you come and help me not look how I feel then I'll owe you so many drinks Nancy: You'll be able to get as drunk as Buster, fuck everything up too Rio: I do owe you for the time I shamelessly stole your wardrobe so Nancy: You're literally trying to remind me and I still don't remember Nancy: So you're fine Rio: Still omw Rio: I've rocked many a makeover in my time, though it's been a while since any of 'em but Grace would let me 😂 Nancy: I have no energy to fight you Nancy: And can't look worse than I do right now Nancy: The bar is low low low Rio: Slap some cucumbers on those puffy eyes Nancy: Excuse me mum I need to take those from your water really quick, babe Nancy: 👌 Rio: When plain old water just ain't hydrating enough Nancy: @ my dehydrated but still crying self Rio: Dry it up, babe Rio: Gotta at least arrive at the club semi put together Nancy: Are they gonna let me in? Nancy: I can't do any more humiliation today Rio: Of course, you're nearly 18 anyway Rio: they let Indie in, you're fine Nancy: Tell it to Sian Nancy: And the powers that be so they don't sack her Rio: 😑 Nancy: If we're going out you need to work on your poker face Rio: I'm sorry but I'm not gonna cry for her, babe Nancy: You sound like the rumor mill Nancy: none of this is her fault Rio: Mm, she could've done more about it Nancy: She didn't know about it, what could she do? Rio: You reckon? Rio: She's a married woman and you probably weren't that subtle Nancy: You're talking to me not my brother Nancy: I can be subtle Nancy: I've had years of practice Rio: Not with love and shit Rio: No offence but you know it's true Nancy: Yes with love and shit Nancy: She didn't know until I wanted her to Rio: Okay Nancy: You don't believe me, do you? Rio: No but there's no need to push the issue Rio: you can't know either way now Rio: but they won't sack her Nancy: You should Nancy: You say I can't, but I do know, 'cause I've been over every moment in my head Nancy: I wish she did know, before, and she felt the same as I do but that's not gonna happen Rio: Yeah, and every time you go over it, the memory changes Rio: Sorry but you're not a trusted source on this Rio: especially 'cos you still wish that Nancy: I know Nancy: I can't just stop loving her Nancy: Everyone wants me to, even her, but I don't know how to Rio: Yeah Rio: Time, that's about all that'll do it Rio: or someone else Nancy: Did time work for you? 'Cause been there tried the second option already Rio: 'Course Rio: heals all wounds don't you know Nancy: I can't say I do know that yet Nancy: I'm still angry and hurt about Chloe and Buster so Rio: That's allowed Rio: got a decent amount of time left on both before people are eye-rolling Nancy: You think? It's been years since I left Nancy: I should be over it Rio: Nah Rio: she's still the same bitch Rio: why should you try and be above it Nancy: 'Cause I came here to change Nancy: So I shouldn't be the same bitch Nancy: It's pathetic, right? Rio: No, 'cos you weren't the bitch to begin with Rio: You don't need to change Nancy: if the alternative is this Nancy: i want to Nancy: I hate this Rio: Okay Rio: How do you wanna be? Rio: Let's make it happen Nancy: where to start, like Rio: You tell me, babe Nancy: My extensive wardrobe doesn't include a chastity belt so I'm gonna need more self control Nancy: Any ideas? Nancy: Not an app for building that as far as I know Rio: Hmm, idk Rio: could get yourself on tinder, the awfulness of people looking for a quick hookup will do wonders for your sex drive Nancy: Lord Nancy: That's a scarily good idea Nancy: Anywhere where straight guys exist in numbers Rio: The club will be the IRL embodiment so tonight is your lucky night Nancy: Luck isn't on my side lately but i've got nothing to lose Rio: That's the spirit Rio: Might as well put all your chips down now Nancy: Keep my phone for me later? Drunk dialing Quinn at the end isn't gonna work out the way it did at the start Rio: Not yet anyway Rio: Time, yeah? Rio: You take mine, swapsies Nancy: Likely not ever Nancy: You didn't see her Nancy: But sure, your phone camera gets me Rio: Never say never Rio: unless it's your married teacher Nancy: Don't give me undeserved hope Rio: I dunno Rio: It's not like you were married, you know Rio: or you properly cheated Nancy: Yeah but that's only because I didn't have the chance Nancy: I was still thinking about Sian most of the time Nancy: That's gotta hurt Rio: Bit insulting, yeah Rio: I wouldn't go back but maybe she liked you Rio: Either way, don't think there's anything you can do to make ammends rn so Nancy: She told me she liked me Nancy: And because I'm the worst human I didn't stop it Rio: Hardly Nancy: You're too nice to kick me when I'm down Rio: I ain't Rio: And I ain't above using someone for my own shit, not many are Nancy: I'm just as bad as him Nancy: Fucking twinning Rio: Different sins Rio: If you're gonna make like him, try not to give a shit about it, right? Take the perks with it Nancy: If only Nancy: At least he didn't like Chloe and use her anyway Nancy: That's just me and what I'm looking for in a girlfriend Rio: Oh, babe Rio: what a mess Nancy: Help me Nancy: Should I just go back to London or? Rio: Hmm, I don't know Rio: It'd maybe hurt less to not see either of them Rio: but you'd be more alone Rio: but, either way, it's a year and you're out of both Nancy: I don't know either Nancy: I wanna see them both so much and that's why I shouldn't be near either of them, right? Nancy: But June will murder me if I leave and I'll murder Buster if I have to share a house with him all the time again Nancy: Summer was Nancy: Oh God Rio: You're not a monster, you're allowed to feel that Rio: You aren't going to do anything else, the mistakes have been made, you're on learning time Rio: I can't really see London working, to be honest Rio: It'd be a step back, more than all...this Nancy: Yeah. I don't love it there. Closer to being at home here by far Nancy: I know I'm just scared to stay Nancy: But I need to girl up and stick it out, like Rio: Yeah Rio: We're all here Rio: that's a good % of the school pop so fuck it Nancy: 😂 real Nancy: be on your way faster 'cause whatever is closest or coldest in this fridge is being opened now Rio: 👍 Rio: Had to sort my own self but I'm in my car Rio: not looking a total state now, welcome Nancy: teach me how to make cocktails so I can make new friends? Rio: Ooh Rio: Fun Rio: Grandad gonna be pissed off but deal, old man Nancy: sorry but I need the gays to protect me now, granddad I can't wait for you to come over and be fabulous Rio: I'll invite some of my gay friends if you want Rio: not a hoe you out vibe Nancy: They'll back right off when they sense my 💔 so bring whoever you want Rio: See who's about and up for it Rio: first though, some tlc Nancy: If you bring a boy you like I'll promise not to gag Nancy: Or cry Rio: Trust, there are no boys making me gag or cry atm Nancy: Gross Rio: 😂 Nancy: And I assume disappointing? �� Is that the goal, penis so big it almost kills you or? Rio: Oh honey 😏 Rio: I don't believe for a sec you're so 💔 that you're ready for the lowdown on the d Nancy: Trying to talk about you and your interests since I haven't shut up about me Rio: Sweet Rio: Maybe when I'm drunker myself I'll tell you all about it Nancy: Yeah? Nancy: So there's stuff to tell Nancy: Knew it Rio: Nahhhhhhh Rio: Not my own personal penis Rio: just the basics Nancy: Like basic teenage boys from your street or Ann Summer's basic range? Nancy: Either way, do better if I have to live through you Rio: Damn Rio: Pressure weren't real enough already, like 😜 Rio: Ma like, where's those grandkids @ Nancy: Like she wouldn't come at me with the same question Rio: We're all slacking Rio: for shame Nancy: Wait until she hears about my celibacy Nancy: Sorry auntie Nancy: I gotta do what I gotta do Rio: 'til you 👀 some cuties in the cloob Nancy: I'm giving myself to god Nancy: she's a babe Nancy: full nun mode activated Rio: You talking about Ariana Grande? Nancy: Never Nancy: I've got enough drama in my life without fancying a straight celeb Rio: Celebs don't count Rio: ask anyone, free pass, like Rio: off chance she's out in dubo tonight Nancy: It's 🌈 icons or nothing Nancy: But it's nothing, obviously Nancy: feel free to hit her up yourself though Rio: Picky Rio: I'm good tho, not really my type either Nancy: I could make a bunny joke but we don't need to get back into the Ann Summer's shelves Rio: Don't we? Rio: Celibacy ain't gon' be easy babe Nancy: I've done it before Nancy: First girlfriend, remember Rio: Pringle rules Nancy: Never say that again Nancy: Touches too much of a nerve, which in itself sounds dirty so Rio: 😂 Nancy: Don't laugh at me Nancy: Why did I have to ruin my life? Nancy: 😭 Rio: You had to know, yeah? Nancy: But I should've known anyway Rio: You'd always have a what if Nancy: Yeah but I've just swapped one for another 'cause now Quinn's a what if instead Rio: She's a has been now Rio: in the nicest possible way Nancy: Ouch Rio: Not a never ever though Nancy: Safe to assume Nancy: I wouldn't have me back Rio: Yeah but you're living up to your name rep rn Nancy: ? Rio: A negative Nancy Rio: sure that's not old Nancy: I was going on the McKenna part and I was like, how insulting is this gonna get? Rio: Too real for tonight Nancy: Too real for this month Rio: I'll allow it Nancy: Oh god, I'm gonna have to change all my birthday plans Nancy: Don't let me think about that Rio: Yeah, don't Rio: we'll sort something Rio: but I'm here Rio: pour me a drink and lemme in Nancy: 👌👌 Nancy: Excuse mum and dad's scowls Rio: 😬 Rio: Should I move my car lads Nancy: Back to the 24 and away from my bad influence I'm sure they'd say right now Nancy: not a direct quote Rio: I'll chat 'em round Rio: parents love me Nancy: 😏 Rio: Rude! Nancy: Hey, I'm preparing you for the kind of quality banter you'll have to get used to hearing if you hang around me Rio: Alright, the craic starts here Rio: deal with it, 'rents Nancy: 💚🍀

[pffbts]

baby koala, it took me hours to finally come here and write this message. differently from the first time we talked, right now I don't feel nervous... it's just that I want to help, want to comfort you somehow, want to show that it can get better. unfortunately, I'm not good with words and I tend to be pretty pessimistic; for you, because you have done a lot for me through letters and sweet messages, I will try. please read carefully to what I have to say. 💞💐🌷🌱🐰🐻

++ my heart is broken right now and I really feel like crying in front of everyone; I'm upset with your father, disappointed with your mother and my heart is aching because of you... I'm worried, your well-being means THE WORLD to me and knowing that you feel like THAT just- fucking hurts. I want you to know that, baby, your mother is completely wrong and I'm awfully sorry you have to deal with all this shit...+  but, princess, as someone who is going through the same situation (the difference is in terms of time: 12 years here), I beg you to don't give a fuck to what she says to you. come on, don't look at me like that... 😔 I know what you're thinking and I also know that what I said sounded pretty dumb HOWEVER I promise you that it works. I'm completely destroyed, I cannot sleep, I was fired, my life is a mess, I'm out of medicine and therapy, + I know that they're kind of guilty too but... what our fathers did... God, it's too much, too fucking much. I'm not asking you to understand your mother, but to stop listening to her rude words because, princess, I promise you that she doesn't want to hurt you. 😔 my mother says that I'm "just like him" and although I'm asexual and ain't dating anyone, whenever I go out or do something she doesn't agree with, she immediately says that I look/sound/act like him + ㅡ the liar, the cheater, the abuser, the violent, the arrogant, the shitty man who used to be her husband. you know, it took me a lot to understand that she's fucking broken and that I have nothing to do about it but since I'm in the middle of this fucking hurricane, I need to listen and deal with things that hurt me so so so bad; lately, I've been focusing on my studies, on my health, on the smallest aspects of like that are important to me.+  you should do the same... I'm awfully sorry if I sound bossy, okay? I just think that this is the only thing you can do in a situation like this. you're too precious, koala writer. 🐨 you're brave and strong and amazing and even if your heart is aching, you just keep running this blog and putting a smile in my face everyday ㅡ just check your followers numbers and you'll see the amount of people who are daily positively affected by your words.+ you're FUCKING BRAVE! I admire you so so so much more now that I know a bit of your story and I wish everyone irl could do the same; you deserve to be loved and taken cared of. I'm awfully sorry people don't cherish your company more and don't walk on your shoes just a bit so you can rest for a while. I'm sorry I'm just a random person on the Internet, I wish I could do so much more for you... I'm sure one day you'll be so so so happy, so so so content with life!!! 💞+ the only effective thing we can do for the ones we like, especially when we're not physically close ㅡ to take care of you and wipe off your tears; I'll ask Him to hold you in His arms and give you strength to keep going. 🌷 you don't have to answer this huge message if you don't feel comfy enough... I hope you don't think I'm pathetic and stupid, I also hope my "advice" can be useful... cry if you need to, scream and shout as well, it's okay. thank you, once again, for being alive. 🍓🐨

first of all, you`re wrong honey. did you really think i`m not going to return this long, this beautiful long spell of cold shower that`s comforting my entirety out in the public for everyone to see? you really thought like that? you`re so pessimistic, i see it. also, now i feel guilty of throwing that childish fit out to you like that. i`m sorry you are seeing me like this and i`m sorry to every one of you who are seeing me like this. 

second of all, whatever you said i kind of relate to. i understand why my mother is acting like this, i understand everything. the only thing is that whenever things go haywire inside her, she puts up a storm upon me, throwing accusations and hurtful words at me. sometimes i don`t say anything, i stay quiet but sometimes when she goes on to call me “just like him”, i kind of lose my shit. because i try to make her understand that my mental health has been dysfunctional for a long time and no one can specifically cure it. she needs to understand that, i was 10 years old when i saw everything and she was 42 (there`s vast difference), i`ve been going to the insides of courts, police stations, administrative offices, i`ve been knowledge of my father`s illegal extra-marital relationship, his excess daily alcoholic consumption. i`ve been told in school at such tender age that your father is a bastard, so you`re a bastard too (my father is very well-known paediatric specialist here i.e he`s a child specialist doctor, ironic right?) that your father sleeps around with different women, so you`re a whore too. someone told me that i`ve a brother too but all throughout my life i was the only child. 

i`m disappointed with her too. but i understand i`m at fault too. my mood swings are out of range. i am silent in my real life. i don`t talk much. my vocal tone is rough. i snap a lot when i`m not in a particular mood. i don`t like being dominated. i prefer to keep my personal space, people around me don`t give me that because i`m still young and i don`t have any right to say that i`ve a personal space too. by the way, i`m 19.

but it`s okay, whatever you said about focusing on my studies, writings and entrance exams, yes i`m doing exactly that. i`m not a very bright student thanks to my family situations. i don`t exactly like studying. anyways, that`s another topic. what i`m saying is that - thank you for this advice. don`t worry i`m alive and fine. maybe mother will not talk to me for a while (she didn`t make dinner last night, so i made ramen for myself) and she won`t talk to me in her regular tone but i`m fine with it. it`s kind of a regular thing for me.

i just hope she would stop comparing me to people, maybe that`s when i`ll find a way to smile freely.