#i was just thinking abt them and got too sucked in :')
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Little incomprehensible because I’m about to nap, but just got heartbroken over the thought of Donnie having his little shark plush (Genevieve?? Can’t remember what name you had said once but ik Donnie she/hers his things and gives them long ass names pfft) during CL. One of the boys like. Getting rid of her or tearing her when they trashed his room. It’s so small but like, I think it would’ve hurt. Especially with what happened to S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N., if Donnie’s the type to view stuffed animals as little friends you’re supposed to take care of. He tells himself that it’d just been a stupid toy, the same way his drone had been just one of his useless inventions, but he can’t help but feel that he failed. He failed to keep them safe. Uhmmm bonus points for the boys bringing Splinter the plush to him later while Donnie’s unconscious and recovering, and Splinter repairing and sewing up his baby boy’s stuffed shark. Extra bonus points if he didn’t realize Donnie still had it after all these years lol
UGHHHH things i would've added if i'd considered it back then because HRGHGHHGHHHHHHHHH :') there are actually two instances in cw of raph giving donnie one of his stuffies in a desperate attempt to comfort him (once in ch4, when he put him to bed, and once in 22) and the idea just made me think of that ....
it does make me think of all the things he must have lost though over the course of CL, and how many of those things they cant even get back/repair. especially when it comes to how many of his blueprints they destroyed. might've been month's worth of work at the very least
#ask#canary continuity#they can replace the item but they cant replace its sentimental value#which is extra horrible for donnie who does rely on objects for comfort like a LOT. and he's someone that needs familiarity#i think in an attempt to show that they go with gestures of giving things that mean a lot to *them*#trying to give the things that normally give them comfort because they're desperate for him to feel just a LITTLE like they do#it is mentioned in CL when they destroy his room that a lot of his jupiter jim merch got destroyed or stolen too and like :(#that is absolutely comfort media for him. possibly even a special interest. that SUCKS its utterly horrible#between this and the way that they make fun of him for expressing passion in the family meeting#i cant help but wonder how much this has destroyed his interest in something that he really loved. hurts to think abt
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God. The thing abt the uchiha is that. Yes. It was fucked up that no one trusted them and they got pushed further and further from the village center. However. They were also a clan of ninja cops with fucked up magical eyes that they supercharge by getting horrifically traumatized. So like. I also would not fucking trust them.
#like maybe its just that ive been too influenced my senju propaganda but i just think the uchiha as a clan kinda fucking suck#at least by the time we get to sasuke's dad leading things. they seemed fine when madara joined with the village#so its just that the resentment at feeling pushed out has risin by then. and maybe im not remembering things right but like Tobirama#made them the cops right? and they got pissed that they weren't given any political power but like u get so much fucking power as the polic#? and also it just seems like the worst fucking idea to put that all on one clan. like THE WORST job u could give to 1 clan of fucked up#eyeball freaks. and i can never tell if they r legitimately being prejudiced against but like they kida have good reason not to trust them#bc they were legit gonna overthrow the government. so like where did it start? i just kinda feel like they think theyre entitled to power#but r also intentionally standoffish to outsiders. but again maybe im just biased bc i dont like Sasukes dad and the nameless uchiha so muc#ugh. its too messy and its all built on the back of what may or may not have been a slight against them. and the rift just kept getting#wider. i mean knowing Tobirama it was probably a slight... but idk im not power hungry enough to understand y they got so mad abt it#konoha. the village in which everyone sucks and the children suffer.#naruto ramblings#naruto
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the romance in this game is making me bonkers, am i the only one that feels like the triggers aren't working. the scene i just got was really just
lucanis: i never wanted you to see me like that, rook
rook: (with the biggest wettest puppy dog eyes) it's okay, lucanis.... i'm here aren't i........ i Love You.
lucanis: (no reaction. goes straight into the next conversation topic)
thanks. my rook is killing herself after that one
#i complained abt this in the gc already but i have to do it here too#lucanis at the very least seemed into it on the very first coffee date#but otherwise him and davrin both have literally 0 reactions every time i flirt with them#bellara just goes 'awe :) that's cute' like seemingly oblivious im even flirting with her#neve thank god i actually got somewhere and i've got her first initial flirt pre lock in#and same with taash. at least they got flustered/bashful whenever i flirted with them#i know davrin and lucanis are meant to be slowburn but. giving them No Reaction At All sucks ass lmao#(also sorry i dont like harding so i havent flirted with her lol)#come on....the romance was meant to be the saving grace of this but it seems like that's not even going to happen#also fighting zara i was literally thinking. oh this is going to be the single naked person we see all game isn't it#i dont need to see full frontal but like. let's be real what are we all here for anyways#datv spoilers#da posting
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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some pride-themed stuff + random things to pad out the space lol. i do like these kind of pseudo-collage sketches....
also a little (never to be finished) comic thing abt grimmons under read more. didn’t know where to put it bc i don’t want to make a seperate post for it. donut does pride in blood gulch, simmons is stealth and casually finds out grif is trans too
#rvb#red vs blue#kai#grif#locus#caboose#donut#church#mine#*23#i feel like simmons would try to be more stealth and 'emulate' masculinity due to issues whereas grif would be more casual n joke abt it#like grif is at that point where he's so comfortable with who he is that he doesn't care but simmons cant help seeking validation#he gets better later dw. but blood gulch simmons is an insecure suck up and we know it lol#ANYWAY. im not going to put a dissertation abt trans grimmons in the tags lol#i just put another night on mars lyrics there bc its been on my bgc playlist for ages n it came on so. <3#also caboose smeared all the colors on his face.probably caused a huge mess too and somehow got church to wear that shirt.#probably bc tex n tucker think its funny so they egged them both on abt it lol#i need to learn to reign in the tags but i cannot shut up. forgive me.
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I've been looking for this one au where Len basically becomes a mad scientist and turns his friends into robots one by one for a while now, and I'm beginning to realize that I just read through your blog while half asleep a few months back and mixed together my memories of your flower hivemind and composite au
this is very funny to me. i'm absolutely honored this blog's posts were enough to evil-farming-game an entire vocaloid au into your memories 😂
i can give you this doodle; it's composite au but i'm sure it'd fit very well with this theoretical mad scientist len au lololl
#ask#anonymous#this is ALSO funny to me bc of 'mad scientist' and 'flower hivemind au' in the same paragraph. it reminds me of an old scrapped idea#i had about where tf the flowers even came from in the first place but i ended up never doing anything w/ it#i've been thinking abt composite au though uag i want to do more w/ it... rip the unfinished refs and one google doc thing i have#shaking myself like ITS OKAY IF THE STORY KINDA SUCKS AT FIRST!! YOU NEED TO START SOMEWHERE#cus i mean i wouldve never gotten anywhere w/ Certain Things had i not started with the og shitty versions. which were SHIT#but its wild to think ~7 years later i transmogrified them into the things they are now. wack. makes me wonder what will happen#to stuff im making now later down the line if i go and revisit it. SO CONCLUSION YES BITCH GET OVER YOUR FUCKING ANXIETY#i think my other problem is i'd loveee to reveal it slowly with like art pieces comics etc but i dont got time for that 😔😔#CURSE WITH LITERALLY EVERYTHING I MAKE TBH not just fandom shit but original shit too. i need to get over myself#cause i do know respectfully not everyone has the skill/time/desire to pick apart things for symbolism so a clearer explanation#would prob be more accessible. and easier for ME TOO TO HAVE SHIT IN ONE FUCKING PLACE MAN. actually how i've been taking notes lately#sorry these are some longass fucking tags im talking to myself. just went into a new academic year w a lot of stress#so thinking abt my own crazy stories keeps me sane and makes me feel like i have control over at least SOME aspect of my life#anyways circling back mad scientist len sounds incredible lowkey though lmao. its always the stem lens 😔💔✌️#JK?? but i do joke abt composite au len partly going insane bc he's a biochem major essentially so yeah bitch i fucking get it 😭 no wonder#composite au#<- ??? putting that tag purely for organizational purposes
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man, you ever realize you needed to correct a small character detail to make it more accurate and then it peeves you off a lil 💀💀💀
#specifically I just swapped around the eye colors for my splatoon agent 4's heterochromia because APPARENTLY#red is pretty dark when grayscaled . and the reason i wanted to grayscale it in the first place was for whenever#i do a colorless doodle of them (grayscale values are fun)- but now 'm teased over the bday art i made of him cuz its inaccurate#ngl been beefin with his eyecolor a while but 'm just gonna try to stick with what i got- cant go changin it all willy nilly cuz it'll also#affect his brothers' appearances . i think a red and gray eye tho is a nifty color combo but then that makes me beef with hair design .#still not sure how im really gonna go about coloring splatoon OCs' hair cuz i like colored tips but also i tend to like#making it game accurate?? i think i just need to suck it up and do what i want forever (do colored tips even if theyre a lil harder)#i mention colored tips cuz originally they were a light blue . but i dont want TOO many different colors (i already have#yellow/red/gray on him so blue might be much) :( and like I could maybe just change the gray eye to blue but then???#it'll make his brother have the wrong eye color in the trans roblox drawing :( plus theres kind of a reason i made an eye red and the other#something plain (the contrast in colored appearance wise . plus my agent 4 is hella self conscious abt his looks) so its not#like i can really change it . augh im at a loss on what to do !! mm might just make it so that the colored tips go darker#rather than colored. HC that not all cephalopods have colored tips but rather it just fades darker and vice versa??#hhh the misery of character design sometimes#ash chats
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ended up splurging on good watercolors when i went out of town and like whyyyyy did i do that lol this is still just as impossible as it was with the cheap supplies
#I RLY DONT GET IT....it turns out hot press paper just does not make it look like anything at all but cold press is#too textured to get lines on#i see videos where ppl use a rly good amt of water (obvs) to the point where it sits on the page until it dries but both papers i have#(baohong and arches) either suck it all up immediately OR immediately buckle and warp as if i was painting on printer paper jesus christ#dont even get me started on um blending colors on paper bc that just does not happen#igts so crazy. + if i finally do get the paint onto the page after fighting then it doesn't even look like watercolor 😭#i want it to look like watercolor thats why i got them....#talkys#anyway i was abt to justify it with ''oh well if i didnt buy them i would have continued thinking about them forever so#that must mean something'' untrue 🫶 i got more lino supplies like a year ago and never used them.#i got gouache a few months ago and have not touched it.#although thats because I lack a creative nature bc i do like gouache...i jst dk what to make. in any medium
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second night of not being able to fall asleep since the new semester started. now im remembering why i stopped taking my adhd meds
#look im a fan of staying up late when it's done voluntarily but this is NOT voluntary#i need to get actual sleep bc i need to actually use my brain for school shit tomorrow and i only got like 2 hours of sleep last night#does my body care about that tho? noooo absolutely not no sleep for you for the rest of your life#even the benadryl isn't working anymore and I've already had 150mg#i need one of those chloroform soaked rags they use in movies when knocking someone out to kidnap them#just. im not fucking doing anything. this would be a much better use of my time if i used it to actually do shit like homework#but nooo i was too tired and wanted to go to sleep early but the sleep never came and the task is firmly stuck in tomorrow mode#and i don't even wanna do the tasks bc i never wanna do anything ever except when i take my adhd meds#but when i do take the meds i can't fall asleep. fucking fantastic#in the words of laura jane grace: i need a week long cocaine binge#wait that would probably make my sleeplessness worse tho nevermind#just. i thought this shit was supposed to be addictive. i just keep not wanting to take them#like the opposite of compulsive redosing or something#ugh ykw maybe i should just try fighting fire with fire#just keep going with the meds to see how long it takes until the lack of sleep is enough to overpower the insomnia#maybe i just need to be harder on myself. stop thinking about what i do or don't want#bc i keep getting stuck in this cycle where i try to find a way to convince myself why i should do a task#but end up only thinking of how i absolutely do not want to do the task#and decide to try being more constructive by asking myself what i do want#only to find that the one single thing i want is just to Not#and coming to the inevitable conclusion that i really just need to kill myself#except that's also a task i need to do that takes energy and i don't rlly wanna do that either so that's one bright side ig#ugh i hate this i hate complaining like if you don't like something abt the situation then fucking do something about it or suck it up#and here i am. doing neither.#i swear i need to be put down like a dog. where's that post abt getting into puppy play so you can be euthanized#welp. i guess it's a good thing i got a therapist before the semester started. he's gonna be in for a shock#mine#vent
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even though i really love what hrt is doing to me it has made me so self conscious because i know my body is changing more visibly now and i don't like the idea that people who know me very well will be able to see that. i just hate the idea of people looking at me. and i worry that the people i care about will like me less the more they look at me because i'm ugly
#some of my mum's family keep calling me fat now bc of the t weight gain as well which is irritating to me#1) i'm still clinically underweight according to the doctor 2) so fucking what if i was. why is it my problem that you're archaic#if you think being fat is bad that's like. fully your problem. that's on you. grow up and get a grip#and also i'm already hyper aware of the fact that my body has changed. i don't need you to keep drawing attention to it#it's frustrating because like. i WANT to gain weight. i feel way better abt how i look and i feel like i'm more attractive#but they keep making me feel guilty for it and like everyone is silently noticing and judging me for it#it's like. the whole time you've known me i've been miserable and consistently trying to off myself#i also spent my ENTIRE childhood and teen years taking care of my siblings + grandmother bc you guys couldn't be arsed#and now i'm finally doing something for myself that is making me way happier and you can't let me have that#i still have to see them regularly because they're living with my grandmother who i am obligated to visit#partly because she's ill and partly because i'm the one who does all her chores that she can't do anymore#because you guessed it. the family members living with her just sit around doing fuck all so i have to do it all instead#and last weekend i spent five hours raking leaves + moving bricks so when i came back in i was starving#and AS SOON as i started eating my (fake)auntie was like. girl you eat too much.#BROTHER ?????????? suck my fat cock ??? leave me alone ?????????#being so Out in the real world vs being so insanely Closeted in front of my family is so ew#it reminds me of being a closeted teenager living at home feeling like i was constantly harbouring this embarrassing evil secret#when really i'm just putting gel on my arm every day and eating five packets of ramen in one sitting#when i'm in queer spaces / on my own / having sex i feel so good abt myself i don't have an ounce of dysphoria#and then i go home and it's like oh. i'm actually the most disgusting evil creature on this planet and i deserve death#whatever. trans people and lesbians think i'm hot and i got mad head game so who gives a fuck
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hi what is wrong with me
#I don’t even know what exactly I am Processing#but boy am I processing something#like was I really That Affected by stupid internet artist drama#to this day#like#what unhealed part of me#like I ugh#I think this is maybe just another tism experience#ever since fuckin Girl Scouts and elementary school#I’ve always been Too Cool to care about being in the in group like that’s so fucking shallow and stupid#but then also I suck at feeling like I belong in literally almost any space#so ummmmmmmmmmmmm#I guess maybe sometimes I get stuck in that wanting to belong and fit in feeling#but I don’t want to do it in the stupid shallow way#I want to find a place where I belong because I’m me#and I think I get triggered and stupid and annoyed when I see fake ass shallow toxic ass hoes living it up being in The Clique or whatever#like why them and not me#what the fuck tumblr tag venting really does make you think so introspectively#like idc abt being in groups where everyone’s just fucking stupid and mean#but when there are people who are cool and nice and chill in them#I get so much FOMO#like they hang around them bc they are cool and chill and nice but they’re not cool and chill and nice themselves#and I get annoYYYEEDDD#I’m not even feeling entitled to getting attention from cool and chill and nice people it’s just that like#sometimes it feels so slippery and wobbly trying to even coordinate hanging out with people you want to regularly#what am I even talking about though really#I think I really am just annoyed and triggered by deep seated pay attention to me and make me feel valued issues#maybe it is an entitlement issue in a way lmao#like I don’t expect attention from everyone ever but also I deserve attention I never got from my parents and does anyone ever tell you how#to like deal with that once you’re an adult like what the actual fuck
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oh yeah. the reason why i decided to reread tbhk (and thus it was able to hit me like a truck this time around) was actually not bc of mitsukou going canon but actually bc i maybe accidentally started a tbhk book club w my kids at work and wanted to check the contents of it justttt in case before i put the books in their hands
#tl;dr i have this one 4th grade boy who's a total weeb and knows that i'm the only one in this town who's more into japanese media than him#so he pesters me abt it every time he sees me. and the thing abt this kid is that he gets bored easily and if he does he turns into a#complete menace. now a couple weeks ago. he shows up at the program w one piece volume one and spends the entire time he's there peacefully#reading and not causing any problems on purpose. my coworker owen (the one who climbed onto the roof) and i were shocked and in awe of how#peaceful he was being and came to the conclusion that he NEEDS to have a manga volume in his hands at all times. few minutes later.#he finishes reading and isn't bored yet so he decides to go talk to me abt manga. specifically he starts pestering me abt what shonen i've#read despite the fact that i am a shoujo reader and told him that. but he knows i've read kuroshitsuji bc he previously asked me abt what#the worst anime i've ever watched is and i will never not take an excuse to drag the adaptation. and he figures that if i've read kuro i've#probably read more. and so i mention tbhk and he asks more abt it bc of the name involving toilets and him being a 4th grade boy so i give#brief overview and he wants to read it. and i come up with a scheme to make him peaceful AND to give him something to talk to me abt which#isn't 'i know you've read more shonen manga' 'let me gacha on your phone' or 'i saw an ad for rent a gf. thought it was lame. and now want#you to tell me how it sucks bc i assume you know everything abt every animanga ever' (<does unfortunately know too much abt rent a gf bc i'#a bit of a nosy bastard and watched the mother's basement video). so i offered to bring it in bc i own physicals of the whole series and of#as previously mentioned. gave it a quick reread in advance just in case. and got hit by it. hard. i love you tbhk almost as much as i love#when ppl get into things through me. honestly i think getting to live vicariously through him might be one of the main reasons it got me#this time around and not as much the first time (still loved it the first time though). flash forward a little while. one of the 3rd grade#girls is like. really into reading. and also macabre things. like ghosts. and she has two books from the school library. and has had the#same two books from the school library for over a week. she reads quickly and finished them both in under a day and is now bored out of her#mind rereading them. she asks to read the books i've been letting the other kid read. now there are two of them#romeo.txt
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me to me: girl. girl don't fucking do it OUR COMPUTER STORAGE SPACE. AND WE'RE PROBABLY NEVER GONNA ACTUALLY USE THEM GIRL. GIRL!!! me: but... free software... its free......
#delete later#take a grand fucking guess as to what this is abt (vsynth shit. AGAIN)#though i will say ive been thinking abt getting ren'py again. i used to have it on my old computer#and i got rpg maker xp(? i think) on steam for sale once (before it was given away for free im MADDD) and then never installed it rip#now is not the time to talk abt that stuff tho this is about ✨vocal synthesis programs ✨. love how that SOUNDS professional but NO. WEEB#help girl we've gotten like 5 new utaus in the last few days. GIRL THATS TOO MANY. GIRL YOU SUCK AT USING OPENUTAU GIRLLL#and the devil whispering in my ear says i should fuck around w/ neutrino. bc i also just realized its free. but NOOO NOO#girl. 3 vsynth programs is ENOUGH. GIT FUCKING GOOD AT USING AT LEAST ONE OF THEM BEFORE GETTING MORE GIRL. STOP THIS MADNESS#editing spreadsheet of vsynths i have (yes i keep that embarassing ik) and i realized i dont actually have THAT many?#its more or so that the lists get blown up bc of alternate vbs. like how rin & len technically have 4 each (english + 3 jpn appends)#so those take up 8 spaces on vb list. and SIX KAZEHIKIS. THAT IS TOO MANY. i need to nerf them but ughhh i feel so bad lmfao#i might nerf injection eventually since i dont really use him but i have reason for keeping the others... esp placebo#i LOVEEE his placebo vb im so happy i got it lmfao. WHERES UR FUCKING RAGEEEEEE. let that boy be ANGRY#i have important shit to be working on but noooo im locked inside my mind again going crazy abt stupid vsynth shit GODDD SAVE ME
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i get soo mad every time a new hydro character gets announced or leaked and it's not a hydro claymore lmao. idk what part of my neurotype i can blame this on but it drives me up the fucking walls that it's been this long and it's now the ONLY weapon/element combo unaccounted for
#like im not going about my day seething or anything but it is most certainly my gut reaction#would a hydro claymore suck ass to play well yes probably. not the fucking point#we're really leaving the nation of hydro without one huh#i like freminet as a character but i cant think abt him too long or i get mad. HE SHOULDVE BEEN HYDRO!!!!!!#genshin impact#aphelion.txt#hydro claymore#plsplsplsplspls just let me make things symmetrical ok. pls#once i get done building sayu and yaoyao in a minute here i'll have a fully built character of#Every single combo that exists. even tho some of them are kinda useless. cuz it pleases me#i highly doubt anyone at mhy is putting that much thought into it but i almost feel atp they are withholding hydro claymore out of spite#'Lee the whitewashing. the whitewashing.' yeah no im mad abt that too#i know they will never fix that thouhg#what is stopping them from releasing hydro claymore? nothing. fucking nothing#i have got to stop making posts that im definitely gonna delete 2hrs later#Every time i mald and whine on this blog is a limited edition special. eat it up while you can
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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