#i was head over heels in love with elliott and i was wethering the storm of my first gay.......whatever that was
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I can't remember if I cried 6 years ago when I got hurt the first time
#I don't think so#i had no idea#I'm trying to be phylosofical about this#like#how much I've grown since it happened#the five wonderful years of running around without having to worry too much about my knee#you know- new chapter same injury#a sort of callback to the basic essence of me#something about how you can't escape yourself and wherever you go there you are and how things change but maybe not really#something about how i have not learned my lessons and maybe this will be THE time i do#it's coming back to me in bits and pieces now#the shooting pain i felt the night right after i got injured and how it's not the same now which is kind of reassuring but eh#how unaware i was of what was about to happen to me#i was head over heels in love with elliott and i was wethering the storm of my first gay.......whatever that was#i was heartbroken and i had been sad for a while already#drinking alone in the fields at night or on my balcony after training#trying to push down all of the difficult things i didn't know how to process#not talking to anyone#i imagine myself curled up in a corner inside myself like a wounded animal listening to angry elliott songs#i remember when i stopped crying and the heat of summer started seeping through the floorboards and the gaps in the old ass windows#the songs i wrote that came so effortlessly and how i was always alone somehow#i don't remember where my roommates were and why they weren't there most of the time#i do remember how compulsively i would hode feom anyone though#how i drank and hopped around on one leg and i pined so hard for her because she had told me about how her legs would hurt too sometimes#there were random bursts of anguish that would strangle me at random times of the day#i wouldn't call them panic attacks#i remember how bright the colors looked- everything was so yellow and out of place in my eyes#what was even the point if i couldn't move#everything depended on how well i could perform for my dad or the girl i liked or whoever the fuck#i have always asked so much of my body and appreciated it so little for everything it gave me
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