#i was diagnosed with clinical depression in late march last year lol

[itsthehcgforme]

I want to give you a little background about my history and how its correlates with my weight gain and losses. I’ll keep it as short and digestible as possible, considering managing my weight, body dysmorphia and EDs have been a pretty prominent part of my life since the tender age of 6. I’ll stick to the last two years. Let’s talk about 2019 This year was a wild ride. I was working a job I hated in communications, I was studying for what seemed like no reason at all. I had a terrible relationship with my family. At that point I was very much still in wounded child, victim mode, and I want to say to some degree depressed (I take diagnoses pretty seriously -so I want to state that at no point was I clinically diagnosed, but I could tell something was off - but let’s tackle that topic in another post). It was incredibly hard to make drastic changes to turn my life around at that point. When things feel disastrous and out of my control, I self soothe by binge eating. When there are feelings that I just don’t want to feel anymore, I binge eat. When I’m uncomfortable, I binge eat. I’m sure you get it. In January I was definitely still in ‘New Year New Me’ mode and DID catch myself mid binge-out, and corrected that as soon as I could. By mid February, by the grace of ??? WHOMEVER - I was forced to make pretty life altering decisions. I dropped out of University, quit my job, became a flight attendant for a Canadian airline, moved out of my family home and to the city with a woman who I figured might’ve been the love of my life, maybe three months after meeting her. Just a recipe for a disaster. Ironically, by mid-summer of 2019 I was the happiest I had ever been. I was in love with my lady, I was living la vida loca travelling all of Europe and the South, enjoying city life with all of my queer friends, new and old. I seemed to have everything in control. But whew… the happy weight y’all! Ironically I wasn’t binging to mask unpleasantries, but between the many dinner dates with my lady at the time, dinners and drinks with my friends in the city, the uber eats, crew meals at work. I packed on the weight like nobodies business. By October, I came to the conclusion that my relationship with my body, with eating and with my lady all weren’t serving me. On some real prodigal son shit, I moved back in with my family which was terrible for my mental health, but I didn’t really have any other choice. Summer flying season had settled and most junior flight attendants work on an on call basis in the fall and winter months. Meaning, I would be “home” for the majority of the winter. I spent my days at the gym and working as an Uber Eats courier, just anything to avoid being at home. I missed freedom, I missed the city. By December I was dead set into working out and swimming regularly. I had stacked up some money, paid some debts and was coming up with a master plan on what my next steps would be. For my independence, my weight, my love life and so on. 

2020 started off incredible. Still living in the burbs with the rents, but I had found some other things to live for. I was fit and active, built up some confidence during my newfound and RARE single-hood. I was out there and dating. Discovering and rediscovering myself and the things I loved. I had picked up a sub-contract and was able to do a lot more winter flying around Canada. I was going on lots of fun dates with cuties in the city and out of province, I was making decent money. And then, like a brick, COVID-19 hit and the pandemic began. Late February, I found myself in Cuba on a 16hr layover with one of my favourite co-workers. She’s an instagram certified bad bitch, so you already know we were on the beach 10AM, full face, hair done, taking pictures. It was freezing. I became incredibly sick the next day. We were working out of a small airport in New Brunswick. I had to call in sick for the middle of the pairing. Little did I know because of that call I would be quarantined in my Moncton hotel room until the end of March. Let’s be clear, at no point did I ever test positive for COVID, but because this was the point where Canada started taking the virus seriously, it took a few weeks before I could even get medical attention. In that time, I had developed other health complications due to my initial sickness and lack of access to healthcare or proper medication. The hotel staff were really kind to me, they brought me unlimited room service, though the options were quite limited (and not the healthiest), I didn’t have the physical or mental strength to continue exercising. Between the lack of exercise, the increase in unhealthy food, the loss of control and the feelings of impending doom - I started putting on more weight. Let’s just fast forward through 2020 cause it turned out to be kind of a shit show and isn’t worth spending too much time on. I get released and get to go home, just to find out that I’d been laid off from my job as a flight attendant indefinitely due to covid. I leave home again because I can’t take it anymore. I have no excuse to leave home since we’re on lockdown. I have no gym, no space to breathe, no outlets. I move out of my family home for sanity sake into a house in the city with two girls who were at first glance really cool, but 6 months in realized I couldn’t stay there. Between trying to control my life, sabotaging my romantic relationships, emotional manipulation, drug issues and the list goes on, I had to leave for my own good. December comes, I’m living on my own in a small Toronto apartment. I’m safe, sane(ish) and satisfied. I have two wonderful partners, I have furniture, I have peace, I’m completely BROKE LOL. Here comes the happy weight. 

So here we are, 2021. The gyms still aren’t open. I’ve definitely eaten enough frozen pizzas and wine to scare me into thinking I’m pregnant (not pregnant, just fat LOL). I’ve exercised on and off, some low-intensity-HIIT and other things. But nothing strenuous enough to make any drastic changes. My partners seem to both be into my happy weight, considering they both have histories dating bigger women. Considering they both eat gluten-free diets and are pretty much healthy, they probably don’t suspect a problems. But young people are usually pretty naive and self centred (don’t @ me. You know to some degree I’m right. Its also why I don’t have a tendency to date young people). At this point I’m unhappy, despite everything. Weights up, hormones feel out of whack, my guts in a rut and my emotions feel out of my control. I’m giving HCG another try in efforts to regulate my weight, my hormones, my gut and regain control. Its not my first rodeo and its why I’m back on the HCG diet wave again. We’ll see where it takes me. Wish me luck.

[idosurveystovent]

5.

Do you feel comfortable wearing tube tops? nope, plus now that my upper arms are disgustingly huge, I'm scared they will get to flapping around and ill fly away

Has something someone said today annoyed you? yeah, more like anything anyone said today. I'm fucking tired

Can you hear the crickets chirping at night? yes

Do you like listening to new music, or just sticking to your favorites? favorites

So far, where have you been on vacation?

Cozumel, cali, gulf shores, Colorado, Utah, south Carolina...there is more, I just can’t think of them

Did you ever feel that there was something you couldn’t tell anyone? I'm sure

Do you tend to gossip, even if you don’t mean it to cause harm? ugh, I am terrible about it. we have a real problem with it at work and I am just as bad as everyone else. sooner or later, they will be gossiping about me and it will be my feelings that will be hurt

When was the last time you were bitten by a bug? idk...last summer?

Have you ever gotten your hair permed? yeah, when I was young. My mom made me do it

When was the last time you were in the wilderness?  well I went into a cave in a natural forest last weekend so...

Do you have a pair of sunglasses that are worth over $200? fuck no, I haven’t kept up with a pair of sunglasses for more than 2 weeks, ever. 

Would you ever go on a trip to Europe? sure

Are you brave when it comes to trying new foods? more now that I am with seth than I was before. He has definitely made me more adventurous when it comes to food

When was the last time you saw your significant other? right now

Is there a friend that you can always go to for advice? eh, not really. bad thing about having a small (nonexistent) circle of friends...the only person I care enough to be mad at is Seth...the only person I have to talk to is...Seth. lol

Have you ever been to a town/place where the people were just creepy? fucking atlanta

What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven in a car? like 115 mph or so

If you see a piano, are you tempted to go over and play a little something? nope, never learned piano at all

Is there someone you know who bakes amazing sweets? not a big fan of sweets so....

Are you ashamed of your singing voice? I can’t sing for shit, but ashamed? hell no, I will belt out those tunes all day long

Has anyone teased you with the “K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song? not in like 25 years

Have you ever had a dream where you could understand a foreign language? nope

What time is it where you are? 7:17 PM

Do you have anything important to do tomorrow? nope, and if anyone expects me to do anything besides lay in my king size bed with ALL the pillow, with Netflix, hulu and youtube, they can kiss my ass

Have you ever owned a beanbag chair? I have

If you own a laptop, do you have a case for it? don’t have one

What was the last movie you purchased on DVD? I have no earthly idea...haven’t bought a DVD in years and years

Are you a fan of retro things? I don’t have a sense of style

Do you do your own laundry? yep. 

Have you ever used pastels? don’t guess so

Is there a song you’re listening to at the moment? nope.

Would you be considered to be knowledgeable about World War 2? not really. I wasn’t really interested in history, unfortunately 

Have you ever been in possession of a hundred dollar bill? at one point in time

Is there one food you cannot give up, even though you know it’s unhealthy? chocolate and peanut covered salted caramel peanut butter cookies

Will you bother having a party for your next birthday? and just go ahead and tell me who the fuck would come? lol

If you’re with someone right now, do you think it will last? its made it 4 1/2 years so far. I think we have both given up and settled because who the fuck wants to do the dating bullshit in your thirties

Who was the last person you flipped off? couldn’t tell ya

Do you currently have a job? yes.

What was the last movie that was unable to capture your interest? most of them

Have you heard of the Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers? nope

Do you have something to do, that you would rather not do? most things lol. work especially

Are you, in any way, feeling hopeless right now? I'm clinically depressed so, like, yeah, but the meds help some

Is there someone you just need to call and talk to? nah.

Are you one of those people who can eat anything and not gain a pound? bahaha yeah right

Are you nails painted at the moment? nope

Is there a song you’ve been listening to lately on repeat? nope

Do you know who you’re planning to ask to your grad prom? that was like 11 years ago

When was the last time you went shopping? Tuesday night

Is there anyone who did something absolutely hilarious today? can’t think of anything off the top of my head

Are you having one of those days where you feel unattractive? every day

Do you like hot dogs? no

Do you ever get bored of your music collection and get new songs? not really

Have you ever bought a designer purse? no, but my mom bought me a knock off Michael Kors in Mexico a couple years ago

What’s the limit on how much you would pay for a shirt? yeah, like 35 bucks

Would you ever like to see the Walk of Fame? went there my junior year 

Is it currently humid where you are? fuck its the worst. especially since I have hyperhidrosis (self diagnosed)

Have you been in any sort of physical pain today? no

Have you ever heard of the German movie Das Boot? nope

Who were the last people you hung out with? seth

Has someone ever called you “obnoxious”? probably. they obviously didn’t know me very well. ;)

Most commonly, do you obey rules, or break them? idk, I am a good person, I don’t commit crimes other than like smoking weed. speeding in my car...that's about it

Do you like making funny faces in pictures? no. I hate pictures

Is there something you look back on and go “I can’t believe I did that”? there are lots of things that I regret in my life

Are you good at offering advice? I try. a lot of people at work come to me for advice; as a matter of fact, one girl just told me earlier this week that shealways came to me for advice because I gave advice that was common sense and what was the right thing to do and not something like “just pray about it”

When was the last time you had to resort to a map? I use google maps on my phone any time I am going somewhere new

Your significant other: have you told them you love them lately? I don’t know that I have told him today...maybe when I left this morning for work but I don’t remember. I'm sure I have told him in the last few days anyways

What was the last thing to confuse you? I can't remember

How many different colors have you dyed your hair? red, black, blonde highlights, platinum blonde all over (that was a huge mistake) 

Do you know someone who always spells “bored” like “board”? nope, I wouldn’t talk to them 

Are you wearing make up right now? whatever is left over from 4 AM 

Is there a phrase that you use a lot? probably but nothing comes to mind

Are you old enough to vote? yes.

Do you have a favorite pair of earrings? no, my ears are gauged out to 2, but ive not found a good pair of earrings that I love yet

Have you ever been to Disneyworld/Disneyland? disneyland

Have you dated someone more than twice? yes

Are you a fan of Keira Knightley? don’t know who that is

Have you ever resorted to alcohol to make you feel better? yep

Do you own a full-length mirror? bahaha funny story about that...no I don’t

Do you ever go on PerezHilton.com to get all the celeb gossip? sure don’t. don't keep up with celebs

Have you heard about Mel Gibson’s rant/freakout? the time he got caught saying the N word?

Do you wish your bedroom was bigger? yes.

Are you aware of the significance of the date April 14th, 1912? titanic sunk

Do you ever just lay back and watch the stars? um no

Lately have you had much time to relax? again, I have worked 10 days straight, so no. but I plan to change that starting tonight

Did anything important/changing happen to you in March 2009? nope

Have you ever felt like a “new person”? don't guess so

Do you own any expensive jewellry? just my engagement ring

What size is your TV? 50 inch and 32 inch

Do you occasionally creep on people on Facebook? yup. I am notorious for it

Has there been someone in your life that just wouldn’t leave you alone? no.

Do you hate to use public bathrooms? nah, gotta go when you gotta go

Would you consider yourself to be loyal? too loyal

Do you find most remixes of songs to be good or bad? usually they are shit

Write something to someone who means a lot to you: Seth, you are everything to me. Husband, father, and best friend. I owe you everything for saving my life 4 years ago. I didn’t know that I could love someone so much until I met you. I love you.