#i was deleting resonance's old blog and i saw this post and it made me laugh so i figured i'd save it and repost it to keep it lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

endlessdelirium · 4 years ago

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Nothing to see here (or "We can't stop here. This is Bat Country!)

Hello from The Void! How did you get here? Well, I probably liked one of your posts, or I read something you posted that really resonated with me to the point that I broke my silence and actually responded (instead of just lurking like a creepy ghost). Or you're probably like a creepy ghost yourself and saw my username enough times or read one of my comments that made you wonder just who is this moron spouting off all this nonsense? Either way, you thought you'd check out my account and return the favor, or something, I really have no idea why you're here lol.

The thing is, I made this account years ago. I had a couple of irl friends who also had accounts, so I followed them plus a handful of other people from my interests back then. And it was great for awhile, until social media fatigue set in. This was nothing new. There'd be new social media sites that would be trendy for a time, and I'd be curious enough to try it for awhile, until I realize lol I'm not a very social person irl, why would I be better at it online? So I start losing interest until I eventually stop checking in. Even now, I am barely on any social media sites. I keep my Facebook account active because that's pretty much the only way people could get in touch with me if they don't have my number, and I'm on Reddit all the time but I barely post/comment there as well and just mostly lurk (like a creepy, creepy ghost wooohhh. Nah, but seriously, social anxiety is a real bitch!) Other than that, I practically have zero social media presence.

So I'm pretty much done with Tumblr... until Haikyuu dragged me back in. I can't really remember when I entered the fandom, I think I started watching sometime in late 2018 and I've been obsessing ever since. Reading the manga wasn't enough, I wanted more content. The Reddit sub was okay... for awhile. Eventually I wandered back into the wastelands of Twitter and Tumblr, all in my pursuit of extra Haikyuu juice. Yes, there's no point denying it, I'm pretty much an addict at this point. Stop judging me.

The thing is, I'm also incredibly lazy. I didn't see the point of creating new accounts when my old ones are still serviceable. For all intents and purposes, this account is pretty much dead. It's just, sometimes (okay, lots of times) I would scroll through Haikyuu tags and I would find something funny, insightful, pretty, interesting that I just have to like it (or is it hearting something? Sorry, I'm not really well versed in Tumblr lingo anymore) or leave a comment to show my appreciation. Which is all well and good, it's just lately a couple of people have been following my account, which isn't terrible per se, I just find it a bit weird since I haven't posted anything new in years. Really, the only thing I updated was my profile pic, since my account was supposed to be a personal one, and wasn't supposed to be dedicated to just a specific fandom so the pic I originally used was one of my irl head which is just... ick! I don't know what I was thinking. So I changed it because I didn't want to frighten anyone by manifesting my mug in their notifications, and really Hinata's head is infinitely better than my head so it can only be an improvement for my account.

Other than that, I pretty much left everything as is. I didn't have the heart to delete everything. In a way, it's kind of like a time capsule for me, still, I don't really recognize the me who made these posts anymore. I mean, I don't have amnesia or anything. I sorta remember them, but since they were made by a younger version of me, one with different interests and obsessions (I mean still share some of these things with this person, it's just a lot has changed as well, and I've since changed my opinion about some things) there's a sort of detachment as well. Which is why it feels like receiving a jolt of electricity everytime I get a new notification that someone has liked a picture or post. It's like "Huh?", I sort of remember the post, but also not really since it was litterally from years ago made by a younger and more naive me. "Okay, I guess?" is all I can say at the end.

So, what now? I still don't want delete my posts. Even though it kind of weirds me out now, I still like having it as a record. Like "Hey, this was ME! Wasn't I weird? I mean, I'm still weird, but in a slightly different way. Anyway, wasn't I a riot?" I also don't feel like making a new account. I still don't really consider myself active in these parts. I just like scrolling through my tags of interest (like a creepy stalker), liking awesome fan arts, and leaving a comment or two when I couldn't contain myself anymore and I just had to say something. I've also thought about re-blogging things sometimes, but I feel that would tip my account back into a semi-active state, and I don't feel like it just yet. Maybe in the future. For now I kinda like keeping my account as is, as a time capsule when I was still active here.

So, where does that leave you? I still don't really know why you're here, but you're welcome to have a look around. Just remember you're looking at an old account and it would help if you view it like a window to the past. I don't mind if you like anything, just know I only have vague memories of making any of those posts so I can't really discuss any of them now. If you're okay with all of that, then make yourself at home... or not, I'm not the boss of you lol.

Anyway, you're still here? And you read everything? Why? I mean, wow, what a trooper! I gotta reward you with something. You know what, here's a picture of Hinata. Did I draw it? Of course not, don't be silly! I like art, but unfortunately art doesn't like me so I can't draw to save my life. So this here's just regular manga panels of Hinata. But not just any Hinata, it's Third Year Hinata! Why? Why not? I see many itenerations of Hinata on Tumblr including Brazil Hinata, but for some reason I don't see Third Year Hinata get as much love on here. I don't really get it. He is so precious. So here he is!

Bonus: The Duality of Hinata

Thanks for stopping by. Have a nice day!

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btsybrkr · 5 years ago

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Here’s A List Of Things I Hate

I've reached something of a mental block recently when it comes to writing. I think it's because, despite sometimes coming off like I'm mocking things or just being a general smart-arse, I usually write about things I genuinely love. I love The Apprentice. I love Come Dine With Me. I love the idea that the Saturday night schedule, currently occupied on ITV1 by The Masked Singer - a horrifying cross between The Voice and a recurring nightmare I had between the ages of 6 and 8 - might one day be livened up by a post-apocalyptic The X Factor-style talent show in which we choose the next Prime Minister from a roster of Average Joe’s that just feel like giving it a bash.

I usually have lots to say about things I love, but recently, for some reason, I’m struggling to even think of anything that I love enough to write about. Maybe I’m being dragged down by the fact that this January alone seemed to last three long months, or perhaps because January itself included ‘Blue Monday’, the so-called ‘most miserable day of the year’. Maybe it's neither of things, maybe I’m just suffering from a bad case of The Realisation That We And Everything That We Do Are All, In The End, Meaningless, And That Every Day, We Are Collectively Hurtling Closer And Closer Towards The Endless Void And There Is Nothing That Any Of Us Can Do To Stop It. There's probably a snappier name for that, but you know what I mean. In any case, I’m just finding it much easier to think about things I hate recently.

Anyway, what do we do with these feelings of negativity to get rid of them once and for all? We express them. So, for anyone willing to read it, here’s a list of things I hate.

Stephen Mulhern

ITV mainstay Stephen Mulhern arguably belongs on television - not for any positive reason, just because it’s only the barrier of television between him and the viewer that allows him to appear as a cheerful friendly presence, rather than an insufferable know-it-all prick, whose repeated condescending glances to the camera during interviews with rejected Britain’s Got Talent contestants just wouldn’t fly in real life. I mean, really, imagine you were having a conversation with someone, and they reacted to something you said by looking off into the distance, à la Fleabag, with an expression that quite clearly reads “This person is an idiot!! Laugh, everyone!! Laugh at the idiot!!” You know what, Stephen? You’re the idiot. But I won’t laugh at you, because then you might think that you’re funny, and I’m just not having that.

Coleslaw

I saw a tweet years ago that said “what was the first person to milk a cow thinking?”, and honestly, it raises a very good question. I can only imagine that there was some perverted ulterior motives at play, for someone to not only milk the cow’s udders in the first place, but then to drink it, at a time when that just wasn’t done. They must have been a pretty nefarious character, it almost doesn’t bear thinking about. Instead, I’d like to question the motives of the even dodgier character who first looked at grated carrots, cabbage and onions, and thought ‘You know what might really tie these bland individual tastes together? Mayonnaise. A fuckload of it.’

You know what, though? It's not the existence of coleslaw that confuses me the most about it - it's the popularity of it. It has pride of place on the table at every family buffet, it’s disappointingly included in otherwise-appealing wraps in the Boots meal deal fridge, and it's an option on the menu in a shocking majority of takeaways, despite the fact that nobody has ever emerged, staggering and bleary-eyed from Walkabout at 3:30am and thought ‘I could absolutely murder some coleslaw’. Most annoying of all is the way some restaurants chuck a bit of paprika in the mix and use it as an excuse to rename it ‘POW POW GROOVY SLAW’, or something equally ridiculous. Why are we trying to sex up a bowl of vegetables covered in mayonnaise? I can't think of anything less sexy, and I don't particularly want to try.

Let's face it, coleslaw has long overstayed its welcome. It's the last stubborn hanger-on from the pages of stomach-churning 1970s dinner party cookbooks (probably found somewhere between the recipes for spinach and tuna pie and a boiled, unglazed joint of ham suspended in gelatine), and it's time we admitted that and stage a renaissance for the real king of the veg/mayo combo. Rise, Sir Potato Salad - your rule has begun.

Facebook

I recently deleted Facebook off my phone, and immediately noticed an improvement in the overall quality of my life. I promise I don’t mean this in the typical ‘phone bad, book good’ way that fake-’woke’ holier-than-thou characters preach about (usually on Facebook itself, ironically). I still happily waste away hours of my life on Twitter, and Instagram, the latter of which arguably has the most negative influence on my brain out of all the social networks. The thing with Facebook is that it doesn’t necessarily have a negative influence on my brain, so much as it has no influence on any part of me whatsoever. Facebook is a vacuum. It's completely, entirely pointless. In fact, it’s where ‘point’ itself goes to die.

Considering there’s probably no two Facebook users out there with the exact same friends list, I'm willing to bet that everybody’s News Feed looks eerily similar. Every scroll through is the same - a former workmate announcing a pregnancy, someone you forgot about from school sharing a vague, ‘deep’ quote about their hurt feelings, an elderly relative you didn't realise was racist until literally right now, when they began sharing posts from a page eloquently titled ‘MUSLIMS!! it is TIME to go HOME so we can have BRITAIN BACK’, or something along those lines. If you ever have nothing better to do - although, I'm sure there is always something, anything, better to do - just set a timer, open up Facebook, and see how long it takes before you come across a single thing that genuinely resonates with you in any positive way at all. I just redownloaded Facebook to try it for myself, and it took me 46 minutes.

Sound like a lie? Well, to be fair, it is. But there's more truth in that than almost anything you'll see on Facebook.

Those Slush Puppy Straws With Tiny Spoons On The End

Plastic straws are on their way out, and quite rightly. The Sea Turtle Conservancy estimate that around half the world’s sea turtles have ingested plastic, and straws are believed to have accounted for a lot of that. With everything you read or learn about the effect of straws on the environment, it's surprising that it's taken this long for us to do something about it.

With that said, it's not just the turtles that are benefitting from the rise of the paper straw - I'm pretty pleased about it as well. Why? Because using paper instead of plastic might mean that we stop manufacturing those evil straws with tiny spoons on the end of them.

Yes, evil. How many times have you been enjoying a Slush Puppy on a hot summer’s day, only to realise you can't get to the bits at the bottom of the cup, because your straw inexplicably has a spoon on the end of it. What's that for? A Slush Puppy is a drink, and spoons are for eating things with. “It's for eating the delicious bits of vaguely-flavoured ice after you've sucked up all the syrup”, you might say, but then why? Mojitos are made with crushed ice, but you wouldn't go up to the barman and go "excuse me, mate, you forgot to give me a spoon so I could eat all these delicious bits of vaguely-minty ice", would you?

Anyway, you can't suck up all the syrup in the first place when the bottom of your straw just isn't a straw. This a problem we usually solve by holding the cup above our mouths and giving the bottom of the cup a gentle tap, usually sending the rest of it falling out of the cup and all over your face, shirt, anywhere but your mouth, faster than you can say “I can't believe I’m 23 years old and writing an angry blog about straws with tiny spoons on the end”. Another solution we often resort to is turning the straw upside down, which, in my experience, always leads to cutting the roof of your mouth on the tiny spoon that you were never going to use in the first place. No wonder it took us so long to show a bit of sympathy for the turtles - we've been ignoring our own straw-related injuries for years, probably just because we think it makes us look hard.

As far as I'm concerned, spoons are for food, and straws are for liquids. That's why, whenever I order soup in a café, I always ask for a straw. Yes, I get looks from the other customers, but I'm sure they aren't looks of amusement or confusion - everyone else just wishes they'd thought of it first.

Ladybirds

Ladybirds aren't cute. They are not ‘nice’ bugs. They are beetles, in a quirky disguise, who can also fly. With all that in mind, why are we taught to like them? Why do people spot one land on your clothes, or in your hair, and cheerfully announce “oh, there’s a ladybird on you!”, as if you’ve somehow been chosen by the ladybird and should feel honoured. Get it off me now, because I don’t know what it’s going to do! Don’t tell me that it’s ‘harmless’ and that I’m ‘overreacting’. We thought that cigarettes were ‘harmless’ before the mid-60s, cheerfully puffing our way through life, with one in each hand at any given moment, as we watched our darling babies speak their first words, which were usually something along the lines of “alright, mate, 20 Sterling Dual, please” - but then we learned. We learned that they weren’t as harmless as we first thought. And believe me when I tell you that, one day, we’ll reach the same conclusion about ladybirds. Just as soon as we find out exactly what they’re planning.

In fact, where have they gone? I haven’t seen one for a good while. Surely, they’re holed up in a specially designed lair somewhere, millions of them, carefully planning their next move in their efforts to overthrow the human race. Planning and watching. We may not be able to see them, but I’m willing to bet they have eyes on us. You know when you’re alone and you get the feeling there’s something or someone else present? It’s ladybirds. I’m sure of it. We need to watch our backs.

I’m not really sure where my fear of ladybirds has come from. Perhaps it’s down to a dream I’ve been having at least three times a year since I was a teenager, in which I’m leaving my Nan’s house and spot a ladybird the size of a Golden Retriever out in the alleyway, just sitting there, still and silent. I run around the corner to one of my friend’s houses, to warn him of the arrival of our ladybird overlords, but the entire front of his house is covered in millions of the things. I shout his name, up at an open window, and he replies that he’s coming down to open the door to me, but when he does, it isn’t him at all - it’s just a 6ft tall ladybird. I usually wake up in a cold sweat at that point, but when I try to go back to sleep, I can feel them crawling all over me.

I know I sound insane, but I promise you, I’m not - I just don't trust them, and I think that’s understandable.

Hate

If there's one thing I hate more than all the above, it's the very concept of hate itself. I don't just mean in a political or universal sense - although, I do agree the world might be a far better place if we all just hated each other a little bit less - hate has an effect on all our personal lives, too.

I'm really trying to make the most of my early twenties, and that means conserving what little energy I have left after I'm done working, drinking, and crying - just the usual daily activities that we all partake in - to be a little more productive. I can't be using that energy up on hate. In fact, in a scientific study that I've literally just made up, it was found that feeling hatred for even one fifth of a second uses up three times as much mental and physical energy as smiling at sixteen angry strangers, half of which are making fists at you. You can't argue with those sorts of statistics.

Anyway, I'm hoping to return to talking about things that make me feel a little more positive next time, because, besides anything, it's just nice to be nice, isn't it?

Not to Stephen Mulhern, though. He needs to learn his lesson.

If you like seeing me talking shit, but would rather it wasn't so bloody long, you can follow me on twitter here.

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honeybeeofficial · 6 years ago

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here lies 904 words of funky gender uhhh Stuff. reflecting on age 15 ezra which doesn’t seem that long ago but apparently I was a completely different person

going through old blog content… hurts, a lot, and maybe wasn’t the greatest decision. but it does help put present things into perspective, so I guess I… don’t really regret that decision. I’m just kind of… sad

because as it turns out, watching your younger self still identify as your assigned gender is, like, not an easy or pleasant thing

and really, it’s not the jokes between NaNo friends about me being the token cishet, because those were always jokes, and they always joked about turning me queer, and after each stage of me coming out I’ve joked about ever having been the token cishet. it’s not that. it’s the blithe certainty with which I reblogged posts about womanhood, talked about femininity, existed as a girl. I think the worst ones I saw were posts where I was just going about my life and referred to myself with ‘she’ pronouns– one post read “[url at the time] is annoyed that she can write poems but not lyrics”– a sentiment that tbh still resonates with me, but 15-year-old me used the wrong pronouns because– of course she did. that was default, correct, there was no reason to do anything else. it’s the sincere anons who said I was doing a good job of being an ally. it’s the fact that this was just life for me, and life was girl.

(it’s not just the gender thing, though that’s the biggest part of this. there was one post I’d reblogged at some point in late 2013 that read “reblog if you’re not asexual,” which just kinda startled me because I thought I’d identified as ace by then. and there were a lot of posts about autism and bisexuality and eating disorders and aromanticism and nonbinarism that just made me sad to see, because I know I was reblogging them entirely in support of my friends or the hypothetical audience and without even thinking about them in terms of myself. and if I had had a few more dots to connect, maybe things would have, at some point or in some way, been a little easier.)

there’s a part of me in 2019– especially when I’m back home, or with people I don’t know if I can ever come out to– that thinks well, maybe I am still woman-aligned enough that coming out doesn’t matter. but after today, I don’t… think I can think that way anymore, because seeing the ease with which I lived as a girl when I was 15 makes me deeply dysphoric in the way that– I’m a completely different person now. there is almost nothing about me that’s the same now. Seeing how carelessly I and my friends used ‘she’ pronouns to refer to me, even to some extent seeing how strongly I connected with the name I used to go by online (which remained my primary name up until just a few months ago!) makes me… just… I don’t know. there’s something kind of sickening about watching yourself misgender yourself and not think anything of it, and it’s somehow even worse when I consider the fact that it… wasn’t misgendering. that was just. me. I don’t think it would be entirely inaccurate to say that when I was younger, I was a girl. maybe not entirely accurate either, but there was a part of me that actually, genuinely connected with being a girl.

I remember one evening that I probably didn’t ever tell anyone about, because I was too afraid of the implications to even admit it– probably in 2013 or early 2014. I was wearing a green and white striped shirt, and I looked down at myself briefly while i was sweeping the kitchen floor and thought “what would it be like if my chest was flat?” and I immediately shut that down and dismissed it because I had enough ties to the lgbt+ community to know what thoughts like that might mean, and I was terrified of it for my own sake and because I had some… unusual baggage with transmasc people at the time. It’s not like that fear has changed an awful lot– I still keep most of my confusion and worrying about identity on a quiet sideblog that if anyone has ever found, they’ve had the decency to pretend they didn’t.

2013–14 was the main time I wanted to clean up. I noticed, anyway, that the last few months I trawled through today were harder to cast a broad net for things I could delete without double checking; so I may or may not continue, I don’t know. but if I do, it’s not… going to get easier. I know that even though I realized some things in October 2014, just a few months forward from where I left off today, I kept using mostly the same old pronouns, and holding onto the idea of being the same person, for a long time– partly out of uncertainty over my identity, but partly out of fear, and partly out of just trying to hold on to the ‘safe’ thing that was femininity and being able to still call myself a girl. Because as long as that still fit, I didn’t have to change anything, and I didn’t have to actually enter the scary world of being trans.

anyway. processing things. basically, watching myself be entirely and confidently a gender that I cannot be anymore just kinda sucked.

#hoooo boy that was. a lot #and i need. to sleep now #lamppost #i'd appreciate knowing who's read this– if you'd like if you read that'd be cool but it's like. you don't Have to

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doctorsupernova-archive · 6 years ago

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mostly i associate u with steven universe, and earthbound not that i know anything about it. another association with you is feeling like u would support my interests, and protect me from bitter/angry ppl on the internet.... since you reblog a lot of posts related to that, it seems. ^^ oh and I notice you like/reblog from me a lot, if that counts.

Aww, thank you so much, anon!

I’m really really glad I give off that vibe, since I know how much it sucks to have people vocally hate something you love. I’ve seen stuff like “cringe culture is dead!” and yet the moment your special interest isn’t something “cool” to like, those same people turn around and put you on blast. It’s disgusting! And it can really get you down if you’re not careful.

But you know what? Here’s a little nugget I’ve been refining over the years to protect myself from the maelstrom of negativity that is the internet:

The only person’s approval you need to love what you love is your own. If something sparks an emotion or resonates with you, then that experience is real and it’s a part of you - and nobody can take that away from you.

Part of this is because getting super attached to my fandoms and other interests is a part of my experience as an autistic person who gets special interests (and I imagine this applies to hyperfixations as well). That pure feeling of joy when I get invested in these stories and learn everything about a topic I can? I wouldn’t want to change that about myself even if I could. The other part is that I realized that everyone approaches things with different attitudes and expectations, and that other peoples’ shouldn’t affect my own.

What do I care if Other M is controversial? I didn’t approach the game with the same expectations that a lot of fans did, and Madeline and Melissa Bergman are two characters that I care about deeply - my many headcanons about where their stories might go helped me get through my awful bout with loneliness and depression in my freshman year of high school. Why should it matter if GoT is imperfect as an adaptation? I love bonding with my parents over discussions of the characters and speculation about the next season, and besides, why should a show’s merits as an adaptation of a book series I haven’t read matter to me, anyway? Nobody talks about THG anymore since it ended years ago? I remember it and still feel attached, so all those old emotions are still real to me and I can revisit them whenever I want. Barb was just a meme and nobody gives a shit about her anymore? Well, I do - as someone who’s felt disconnected from my peers throughout my life, she continues to be a major comfort character and source of catharsis for me, even if there won’t be any more canon content with her in it.

I could go on and on about my other forgotten or vocally hated interests (the Sonic series has so much personal meaning to me that it could get its own post), but you probably get the point.

I actually used to have a blurb about “we may not get along if you hate-blog interests xyz” on my about page, but I recently deleted it since it honestly doesn’t apply to me anymore. A lot of those posts you mentioned used to be about convincing myself that my special interests are okay, but I think everything finally clicked for me when I saw Steven’s fusion scene from “Change Your Mind”. Once I viewed myself with the lens I use to look at other people instead of the hypercritical one I use for myself, I realized - hey, this is a cool person I’d love to hug!

“I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me. I don’t need you to love me, I love me.”

So, that ends my little anecdote about how a scene from a cartoon helped me practice more mindfulness and made me realize how much I’ve grown as a person! Now, I mainly reblog those kinds of posts to help other people learn the same lesson that I have and make my corner of this website just a little warmer, a little less judgmental. Hearing that at least one of my followers has taken notice means a lot to me.

Oh, and if you ever want more advice or just someone to talk to about your own special interests, you can always send me an ask or a private message! I’m your dude

#peyton speaks #actually autistic #autistic acceptance #special interests #I feel like this belongs in those tags #Anonymous

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gyroshrike · 7 years ago

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To everyone who saw the Kalematsuba Call-Out Post

I’m not sure where to start, and my chest is getting kind of tight just trying to plan it in my head, so I’m just gonna try and start saying words and hope it comes together in the end.

Now, I’m absolutely not well known on this site, so you really have no reason to listen to me, but all I can do is speak from the heart and those of you who read this will have to decide whether what I say is worth anything.

Also, I’m not here to show you proof of anything. I can only share my opinions of and my experience with Kale and of these events in a way that I hope resonates with people who aren’t sure how to feel or who maybe jumped too quickly when faced with a call-out post.

I’ve been following Kalematsuba for two years, since he first made his current blog. Since then, this is the first I have ever been confronted with the idea that Kale has the past he does. And I know that’s the cue for a lot of you to claim he’s been keeping it a secret, but what I mean is, is that since I followed Kale I have seen nothing that alludes to him drawing anything other than wonderful, enjoyable, safe content and being anything other than a genuine, trustworthy human being.

I pride myself on having a pretty good bullshit detector and judge of character. When I meet someone, people who usually turn out to be negative or bad people I don’t want to associate with, I usually feel the vibes instantly. I listen to what people say, how they say things. I listen for those same vibes. Kale has never, EVER, not once, given me those vibes. I have never felt uncomfortable talking with him one on one, in a group setting, or as part of his audience.

Now, this not a post debating on whether or not what Kale did was wrong. I’m not here for that. Sexualizing children and child-like characters is bad. (I’m also not here to argue how ethical it is to age up child characters for the purpose of sexualizing them because that’s a whole other can of worms.)

Kale fully acknowledges what he did. When the news broke out in the personal discord channel he mods for his followers he admitted immediately to anyone who didn’t already know the situation:

“for the sake of transparency, I DID used to draw femboy art and "shota" like characters..but it was never about drawing "cp" it was so i could cope with being an effeminate boy..and then people sarted commissioning me for that type of work and it got way grosser than i ever intended it to”

For people who are construing was Kale said in a post he made earlier, then deleted, it wasn’t about sexualizing children in order to cope with dysphoria. That was not what he meant. He was referring to drawing effeminate boys, “effeminate boy” being how Kale felt at the time. It wasn’t about an attraction to the characters he drew. He saw himself in his art. These effeminate boys were representation of him to varying degrees. Unfortunately, what happened is this expressed itself using a very shota style and characters that were originally created to be underage.

That being said, Kale himself admits that it got out of hand. He is not denying he did something bad. He’s not denying the unhealthiness of the situation.

A follower who experienced this with Kale also added this about the people who would commission artwork from Kale:

[ALL SCREENCAPS ARE STAMPED WITH HST TIME ZONE]

“Kale was groomed into their incredibly posessive circle he tried to escape and they threatened to hurt him [and] eventually they finally lost interest”

Kale said nothing of this and did not ask to be defended. This was said unprompted. This is not meant to excuse Kale, but to perhaps give a little bit more insight into the context of the situation. He talks about it fully here.

All of the screencaps are from Kale’s discord, which was the first discord I ever joined and Kale always made it very clear that it was a safe place and had little tolerance for bullshit or anything that made any of his followers feel unsafe. Kale’s discord is now the standard I hold other discord channels to. They need to be safe, healthy, supportive places.

“I've been dealing with an actual dangerous procontact pedophile, but tumblr goes after the savior who rescued me”

“heres the thing of it. i have been a victim of pedophiles. these people are sick and horrible. YOU kale are no pedophile. i get a vibe from those sickos but you make me feel okay, your aura is safety. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON WITH A HUGE HEART whome i respect and care about, as i do everyone i know. i will support you 100% and thats that”

“Coming out of the woodwork here to just say: Nobody likes who they were 5 years ago, you know who I was 5 years ago? A 14 year old girl who shipped my male classmates for the sake of seeing "hot Yaoi" I made and laughed at rape jokes, I contributed to the "women suck" stereotypes put out by a bunch of teenage boys

Four years ago I pushed away friends I loved dearly for the sake of saving face with a "good artist" I admired, I regret it immensely, but my mindset from 4 years ago was different from what it is now. I used to judge who I become friends with based on their artistic ability alone

Three years ago I made a post that got really popular about the "jock/nerd soulmates" trope, I was the originater and romanticized an abusive trope bc I thought it was a good idea, I was 16, now I realize what a mistake that was and I've learned the error of my ways

TL;DR: Tumblr fucking sucks, it's a toxic place, and people will jump at any thread of drama they possibly can if it means they can unravel someone being successful in a way they can only dream of being

Kale, whether you were into shouta art or not doesn't matter, what matters is that you've moved past it, you're done with it, that's not the person you are now and you've grown as a person Your past mistakes do not define you and what you've accomplished, the things you've learned do.What you've made here, all the art, your own community, your freaking comic that a lot of people are onboard with, that's what's amazing and incredible and you should be proud of itYou are better than this, you are better than who you were 5 years ago, and if these holier-than-thou internet teenagers can't even try to understand that people can change, then they don't matter. They're not worth your time, your tears, or your work”

These screencaps are just from today. These don’t even begin to cover the time and time again that people have found support and comfort and a healthy environment in Kale’s discord from many a number of things not limited to: mental illness, abuse, traumatic experiences, suicide, and even gentler more mundane things like life and art advice.

Another point I would like to make about the validity of Kale’s character. In the call-out post posted today (August 21st, 2017), all OP does is link to their previously made call-out post (August 21st, 2015). There is no added material, no new art, nothing, to attest to any continued behavior or art that could reflect negatively on Kale. Which to me, implies that Kale has so soundly changed as a person and what he features in his art, that OP didn’t have anything else to say about him. Mind you, the original post is 2 years old and Kale shut down his pixiv and patreon years ago.

Kale himself said that:

“i literally havent drawn an ounce of that stuff in 4 years”

OP is not bringing anything new to the table. Nothing has changed from 2015 to 2017.

And if anyone receives hate mail from someone claiming to be a supporter of Kale, they are not from Kale’s inner circle and did not get is permission to do so. We within the personal discord agree that this situation will be met only with calmness and positive support for Kale. Anyone attacking Call-Out OP or their supporters is acting on their own or is a fake with the intention of further defaming Kale.

WHY I IMPLORE YOU TO KEEP SUPPORTING KALE

He is creating 1989nk to for trans and nb youth like him, who, from dysphoria and a lack of representation, may will seek out media or express themselves in ways that are unsafe or unhealthy.

He does not want what he experienced to happen to other trans and nb youth. That’s why 1989nk has such obvious trans colors on the front. He wants potential trans readers to see it, read it, and feel validated, safe, and represented.

I truly believe anyone who really looks into Kale’s current work, how he feels for 1989nk, the heart and soul he’s put into it, would see the kind of person he is.

Look, when I’m with my friends, I’ll be the first person to lean over and say something is problematic, makes me uncomfortable, or might be unhealthy. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I never, ever stick my nose into tumblr discourse. So, if I’m sitting here addressing you all like this, it’s because I wholeheartedly believe in this person with everything I have.

I believe in Kale. I trust Kale. I wouldn’t follow him or support his work if I didn’t.

But then again, you have no reason to trust me. You may have to look and decide for yourself.

#kalematsuba #kalechippu #discourse #misinformation correction #sweethearts of 1989 #putting this is that tag #because the original call out post was posted in it #okay to reblog #if this made you think or reconsider AT ALL #please reblog #especially if you reblogged the call out post #navi notes #suicide mention #abuse mention #long post

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katalyna-rose · 7 years ago

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I'm curious as to what you think Solas saw in the Fade with the fear demons. I haven't really seen anything depicting what he could have seen/experienced and I'm curious as to what you think- also what Lyna would see, if she was also taken into the Fade for some reason PS that post you made about tumblr not giving writers enough credit is the major reason I'm hesitant about creating my own blog to post stuff :/ love ur writing though and I'm trying to find the courage to post my stuff somewhere!

I assume your question is inspired by my piece about Hawke in the Fade?

It’s a really good question! I think that, in order to answer it, we have to look at every negative aspect of Solas that we know.

We know that he is guilt-ridden, that he essentially blames himself for an apocalypse. We know that he is afraid of dying alone, as the Fade tells us. We know that he is planning to destroy the known world. Knowing that, I think that most of what Solas sees is accusation.

This accusation can take many, many forms. He may see the faces of people he knew, people he killed directly or indirectly. He may see the abstract idea of the world he killed and the world that replaced it, also doomed through his actions. I think that by the time we reach this point in the game, he’s started to realize that these people around him are real and valid. regardless of his relationship with the Inquisitor, so he likely sees the accusation from the people around him. He probably sees a Dalish Inquisitor finding out that he is Fen’Harel and a thousand ways in which that knowledge might affect them, particularly if the Dalish Inquisitor is someone he respects or loves. I think he might see the possibility of battles to come and pain inflicted on the innocent because of his choices. And once the Nightmare speaks to him and tells him that everything he loves and hopes for will turn to ashes, he sees all this battle and strife and agony and accusation that amounts to nothing at all. He sees this pain he will cause be for nothing, his hopes shattered on the ground. I wonder if he saw his shattered orb there in Nightmare’s realm. That would, after all, mean that giving it to Corypheus, causing this whole mess, was pointless. The shattered orb means that he is foolish and he failed and he caused untold misery to thousands of people and himself for nothing. He also sees the very end, whatever form it might take, and himself kneeling in an ocean of blood that he spilled as he drew his final breaths, no one and nothing around except endless blood and pain and corpses and he is alone with it all. All the agony and the fighting that resulted only in pain, if he failed or if he succeeded, either way he is alone at the end of it all. And perhaps that very loneliness, that empty aether at the end of his endless days, makes all the pain that came before it seem unimportant, pointless even. Maybe that image of his final breaths, drawn alone on a field of corpses both old and new, might drive him closer to the people around him. Maybe they could be there with him at the end. Maybe he wouldn’t have to be alone if he allowed romanced Lavellan closer, closer, and tell her the truth, let her in. Maybe that fear, and the avoidance of it coming true, is more important than his guilt and the accusation and his goals. Maybe…

As for Lyna, she would see her mother succumb to the despair that almost claimed her when her father died. She would see her mage mother and her Keeper taken by demons and twisted, ruined, taken from her in the cruelest way possible. She would see her clan, the people she grew up with, torn and trampled by the rest of the world. She would see her people ground into the dust until they are no more. She would see the last of their culture, their society, stolen from them. She would see the mages of her clan and every Dalish mage she’s ever known bound and chained by the Chantry for their gift of magic, a gift that they cannot choose. Since she did In Hushed Whispers and recruited the mages as allies, she would see that Blighted future in which Corypheus wins and she dies. She would see that gleaming of red lyrium around the faces of the ones she loves most, their voices broken with the poison. She would hear them scream for her help, quieter and quieter as they lose hope. In all honesty, she would see Solas leave her as every lover before him has, bored of her or tired of her unwillingness to settle or intimidated by her, or even because he’s realized that he deserves someone better than her. Lyna learns a lot of her self-worth during her time with the Inquisition and her inner circle, but before that she never thought much of herself. Those old fears would rise again and she would see them, too.

Ah, about the post… I almost deleted it as soon as it went up. I thought people would be upset with me for it. But instead it seems to resonate with a lot of people, which is rather depressing. But I would add that between writers there is quite a bit of solidarity. We know that people who don’t write don’t value us as much as we deserve so we value each other. Every writer that I’ve interacted with on tumblr has been like that! We support each other as much as we can, even though so many of us are just like you and scared or shy and hesitant to put ourselves out there. A lot of people come out of their shells when they see that a friend or someone that they like or admire is having trouble. I’ve seen it a lot! We, as writers, support each other as much as we can. And that’s really a beautiful thing!

EDIT:I realized that your wording of Lyna in the Fade suggests that you might not be talking about canon Lyna... She is my Inquisitor, but I have a couple AUs where she is not. Were you talking about Lyna in Ménage à Trois? Because that would be an entirely different answer because her history is entirely different.

#kat replies #solas #lyna lavellan #the fade #here lies the abyss #solas meta

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otp-is-at-it-again · 8 years ago

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11 Questions

Rules: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given to you by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people I was tagged by @crookedlovestory ! Thanks so much for tagging me! I love answering questions aha ♪( ´▽｀) Emily's Questions: 1. what tv show are you currently bingeing? who are your favorite characters? Um I'm not watching anything currently cause I'm on vacation, but the last show I binge watched was the Flash. I'd have to say my fav characters are between Barry, Iris, and Cisco. Barry cause he's cute and dorky at times, Iris because of her determination and friendly nature, and Cisco because of the puns :^) and overall that he can play both the clown and show everyone up with a scientific explanation for happenings 2. what is your guilty pleasure? Russel Stouffer eggs hhhh. I only get them if they go on sale, around the holidays, and even then it's not always easy so get my favorite flavors (because they sell out quick when cheap enough). My favorites are red velvet, truffle, and coconut cream. 3. what’s your biggest character flaw? (just being me in general) Um I'd have to say my depression is probably the biggest flaw I have currently. It comes up when people (my parents) yell at me, because I'm trying my best but even that never seems to be good enough. And when I get into that state I shut down physically, and mentally loop on the negatives on how useless I am as a person. It usually also comes up when I'm in a stressful situation, for ex when I'm overloaded with school and social and home problems at the same time. Though recently I've noticed I get it at random times now too, so idk. I just go along with it at this point. 4. did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? what were they like? what was their name? Ha.. Yeah I had an imaginary friend, when I was a little on the older side of childhood (middle school), though there's kind of a backstory to him. I was ahead of the curve with relationships amongst my friends, starting as early as 5th grade (compared to most who started in 7th or 8th). But the ones I had at the time sucked because the guy got bored or stopped caring or was too far away for anything to happen. I tried to move onto other guys, but when I tried to ask them out (yes I was /that/ kind of person) I always got rejected. Of course to my friends I played it off as no big deal, but each time I got rejected, each time after I asked a guy out he would ignore me like I wasn't even there despite us having classes together, it got to me and wore me down. So to compensate I guess my overactive imagination came up with the "perfect guy" so I wouldn't have to worry about being rejected any more, because he would always be there for me.. His name was Marcus. He's Japanese/White mix, about 6 feet tall with a slight muscular build. I used to have trouble sleeping at night because of the insecurities that built up after the rejections, after seeing my other friends have successful relationships so easily despite how much effort I put into starting my own and being shot down.. But in those times- again my overactive imagination came into play- I felt a presence on me that I manifested into Marcus, so that I could imagine someone being there with me, someone who could comfort me and make me feel like everything would be okay. For a while that helped, but it got out of control pretty quickly. Into high school I stopped imagining things like that, or having dreams about him and I, where I could experience a healthy relationship. At that point I gave up on trying to have a relationship, and figured it would be easier just to fill in that spot on Facebook so people would stop bugging me about finding someone. So I made a Facebook account under his name, Marcus Takahashi (I deleted the actual account, but I made a fictional character page that a lot of people have begun to like recently ?) and made it look like we were in a relationship. What I didn't expect was my mother-like friends to come on and start asking a bunch of questions like 'how did you two meet?' and 'where are you from?' and other informational stuff that I didn't want to answer so suddenly.. so I just knocked it off and told people it was just a joke. After that I ditched the idea of Marcus as my imaginary friend and adopted him more an an original character. So he's still around, it's just the context of his character is different now. 5. if you could tell your past self anything, what would it be? Don't fret so much over relationships. That is by far the most destructive thing you can do so early in life (at least speaking from my past experiences). If you express interest in someone and they don't put as much effort as you do into maintaining the relationship, drop them right then and there. It isn't worth the emotional and mental stress of blaming yourself for things you're not even at fault at. Just focus on the friendships you have and things will work out fine in the end. 6. what’s your favorite flower? why? ohh hmm. I think the plumeria would be one of my favorites. My grandma used to have a yellow plant in her backyard, near her pool, and I always thought it was the prettiest thing.. And as I got older and my family and I took walks around the neighborhood, I noticed a lot of people had them in their yards in a bunch of different colors. I think nowadays my favorite one of that species is the pink plumeria because it looks and smells really nice. 7. recommend one of your favorite books. what is it about? why do you recommend it? Boy oh boy. I have a lot of favorite books, but recently my favorite has been Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. The pov from the main character is nerdy and dorky, but relatable a lot of the time. Plus it has a bunch of old, obscure video game references which is pretty cool. I grew up with the games mentioned in the book, so it's kinda nostalgic reading about them. Totally would suggest others to read it. 8. what is a quote that has resonated with you? why is it important to you? Okay this is going to sound kinda stupid compared to all those inspirational quotes out there, but I really like this quote I found in a fan fiction, where the character says, "my sexual desires can be equated to the thirst of a camel". It was a pretty bad fanfiction (not really bad, just too cheesy even for my taste) but I thought that quote was absolutely perfect. Even after I dropped reading it, I kept a screenshot from that for the last three years because it's pretty accurate for me. I joke about it a lot with my boyfriend (which makes him cry a bit but it's still pretty funny). 9. what’s your favorite emoji? Hm. I think 👌🏼 or ✌🏼 would be my favorite ones because I use it a lot in my twitter posts. Like I'll update with something and be like 'this cool thing happened to me dudes 👌🏼👌🏼' or whatever. And I use the peace sign a lot irl so they're pretty useful. 10. what’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had? *inhales* boi I have a bunch of weird dreams haha.. Um I think one of the weirder ones was from when I was younger.. It was the tail end of elementary school and I had a crush on these three boys that were best friends. I had a dream where I found them at Soak City, but it was super distorted (because almost all my dream places are). So we stood at the top of the colored slides and instead of being their normal height, they were probably 3-4 times that, and on rickety stilts instead. Of course one of the guys told me is was okay to slide down the red slide, so I made a jump for it (scary af). We went on another ride after that (I forget which) and then I followed the guys to the log ride. The guys went in, but I got sidetracked because I saw a cat in the planters next to the entrance. I went over to pet the cat and next thing I know there's a bunch of them surrounding me and meowing. I thought that was awesome at first cause I love cats, but next thing I know they're all scratching me and I kept flinging them off me because I was freaking out. I ended up backing into this room which turned into a distorted version of Chuck E. Cheese. The cats were gone, and I was at the entrance standing in front of an attendant. She said I was a special customer so I got a bunch of free tokens and some food, but at one point I got sidetracked again when exploring. I guess I found the entrance to the employee lounge, which was a maze, and went in because I wanted to see if I could find the end. Turns out an employee found me and asked what I was doing, so I fibbed and said I was looking for the bathroom. They escorted me out, and I ended up in this place that looked like a gift shop with stuffed animals and random toys on shelves. And I think the dream ended there. Pretty weird lol 11. which planet is your favorite and why? Hmm I think Jupiter is pretty cool because it's gaseous and has a bunch of different swirling colors on its surface, plus since it's so large it has a bunch of moons in its gravitational pull (and I think moons are neat). Though speaking in terms of connection to Roman mythology, I also like Neptune because of its relation to the god of the sea heh. I'm not going to do the questions because I already did them on my other blog ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ My main blog is @turqouiseorange if my other followers here want to check that out. Thank you again Emily for the tag <3 Even though I already did this and tagged you from my main, I answered your questions here because I thought they were really interesting and fun! Nice way to end the day heh ╰(*´︶`*)╯

#about me #kai speaks #I love these asks #I wish people would do this more often with me #on any blog of mine #I always get so happy when people ask me stuff

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thecrookedgavel · 5 years ago

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out.

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it.

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts.

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing.

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way.

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her.

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago.

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode.

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle.

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal.

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears.

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could.

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though.

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either.

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before.

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

#queer #lgbtpride #visualart #podcast #transisbeautiful

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latestnews2018-blog · 7 years ago

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There Were Zero Things Better This Week Than These Grandma Twins

New Post has been published on https://latestnews2018.com/there-were-zero-things-better-this-week-than-these-grandma-twins/

There Were Zero Things Better This Week Than These Grandma Twins

Welcome to Good Stuff, HuffPost’s weekly recommendation series devoted to the least bad things on and off the internet.

The best thing I saw this week was this photo of two old women I’m going to assume are twins because they look exactly the same and are wearing matching pink outfits. If I’m wrong, sue me.

Why do I like it? I don’t know. I just do. Maybe it’s been a so-so week, but I can’t think of anything else that has brought me more joy. Look at their outfits! The shirts! The glasses! The hair! Are those called shorts or pants? Who cares! I love them!

My colleague Ashley Feinberg described this photo as “fucked up,” claiming “there’s no way you get to 80 and still keep buying matching outfits with your twin without something being extremely fucked up.” She is wrong. Sometimes two cute twins (presumably) are just two cute twins (presumably).

Do you know these twins? I would like to interview them. Thanks. ― Maxwell Strachan

Jonathan Chait’s BOFA Tweet

Twitter

On July 12, in the year of our Lord 2018, at 10:51 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, persecuted white man Jonathan Chait tweeted three perfect words: “What is BOFA?”

BOFA, as any self-hating internet user knows, is “bofa deez nuts.” It is the “What’s ‘updog’” prank, only vastly stupider and consequently infinitely funnier whenever an unsuspecting target takes the bait. Jonathan Chait took the bait, and the result was more beautiful than any of us could have ever hoped to deserve.

Jonathan Chait, however, deleted his tweet — the tweet in which he asked, “What is BOFA?” — and deprived us of our constitutional right to dunk on Jonathan Chait. Just one more example of illiberal deplatforming from the radical left.

Anyway, congratulations to the remarkably damp Jonathan Chait on giving brief, beautiful life to a perfect tweet. We should all be so lucky. ― Ashley Feinberg

Sweet Soccer Boys Sharing Gentle Hugs

ALEXANDER NEMENOV via Getty Images

This week I wanted to recommend hate-watching (or more like “confused-watching”) Fox’s nightly special “World Cup Tonight,” but my editor made me turn it into a standalone blog.

Instead, I will recommend a more healing aspect of the World Cup spectacle: watching the beautiful boys of soccer comfort and celebrate with each other through emotional embraces. Jezebel’s Sheena Raza Faisal saluted these loving clinches in a very on-point post that features not quite enough images of man hugs ― check the comments for more, especially England manager Gareth Southgate soothing Colombia’s Mateus Uribe after Uribe missed a crucial penalty kick in a shootout against England.

Boy, it sure is dusty in here, etc., etc. ― Claire Fallon

Glynnis MacNicol’s New Book

Illustration: HuffPost/Photo: Simon and Schuster

After hearing Glynnis MacNicol talk about her new memoir, Nobody Tells You This, at the Strand in New York City, I’ve had this one sentence stuck in my head. When asked about the plight of unmarried, childless women and our society’s treatment of them as somehow other or incomplete, MacNicol hit back with a statement that resonates with me still: “We look at women as a problem in need of a solution.”

In her book, MacNicol draws attention to the ways strangers feel they have a right to women’s bodies and lives in service of the ultimate goal, motherhood. The shame around it all, the general lack of freedom or agency, is really frightening. Although I have yet to read Nobody Tells You This, I’m excited to. And I’m ready to recommend it as a refreshing take on what life can be like for women who choose not to do what is expected of them. ― Anna Krakowsky

The Birth Of Kulture

Kulture ❤️❤️anything else woulda been basic 💁🏽‍♀️💁🏽‍♀️💁🏽‍♀️Okrrrrr

— iamcardib (@iamcardib) July 12, 2018

Cardi B had the baby and her name is Kulture with a K. That’s self-explanatory Good Stuff. ― Julia Craven

When June Smacked The Shit Out Of Commander Waterford On “The Handmaid’s Tale”

In a moment when it feels like terrible men are trying to whittle away women’s rights on a near-daily basis, sometimes you just really want to see a lady righteously smack the shit out of a dude who deserves it. Enter the “Handmaid’s Tale” finale!

June (Elisabeth Moss), who has spent two seasons being psychologically tortured, raped and belittled by Commander Fred Waterford (Joseph Fiennes) ― a man who desperately wants to be powerful and desperately wants the approval of women he knows are better than him ― finally stops bottling up her rage and lets him have it, right across the face. I could watch this GIF on repeat for the next two years. ― Emma Gray

England’s Loss

WATCH: Mario Mandzukic scores the game winning goal in extra time to put Croatia in its first ever World Cup Final. #ENGCRO #WorldCup pic.twitter.com/dnRpjSNPHo

— Jurado (@JuradoNYC) July 11, 2018

It’s not coming home. LOL. ― Travis Waldron

The Enya Song In “Eighth Grade”

You know a movie’s good when an Enya song pops up in a pivotal scene. But even without “Orinoco Flow,” Bo Burnham’s “Eighth Grade” would be an indie masterpiece ― one you should definitely, totally, run to the theater to see.

It follows “Most Quiet” superlative winner Kayla (Elsie Fisher) during her last week of eighth grade, as she tries to come to grips with her social anxiety and lackluster lifestyle before high school. Behind her phone, she’s confident, even funny. But in real life, Kayla is quiet, a loner. Burnham allows viewers to study her every move in a tech-obsessed world while contemplating their own adolescent memories. It’s beautiful, raw and utterly sweet. ― Leigh Blickley

Megan Amram’s Emmy-Nominated Web Series

vimeo

Please watch “An Emmy for Megan,” a hilarious and weirdly poetic exercise in doing the bare minimum, while remaining utterly extra. The concept is simple: Writer Megan Amram, best known for her work on “The Good Place” and Twitter, decides she reeeeally wants to win an Emmy Award. (It’s her favorite award!) So at the last minute, she decides to write, direct and star in a short web series about making a short web series to win an Emmy.

The six episodes, under 10 minutes each and created in the week leading up to the submissions deadline, use the constraints of the Emmy requirements like forms of meter and verse. There are tears and tantrums and alcohol-fused meltdowns and even a surprise MUTINY along the short (so short) way.

Amram’s feat is not only hilarious but effective. On Thursday, the series was nominated for two Emmys: Outstanding Actress in a Short-Form Comedy or Drama Series and Outstanding Short-Form Comedy or Drama Series. Don’t sleep on the most inspiring tale of our time. ― Priscilla Frank

A Podcast About A Cult

When I was a kid, my best friend’s name was Robin, which was kind of weird because my mom’s childhood best friend’s name was Robin. The difference between my Robin and my mother’s Robin (aside from their being entirely separate humans) was that the latter ended up in a “Wild Wild Country”-ish cult.

My mom told me the story of her friend’s descent into Cult Town, U.S.A., and the teen girl power rescue mission that boldly extricated her a million times. Everything about it fascinated me. For a while, I actually thought it was a cosmic inevitability that my Robin would end up in a cult from which I’d need to liberate her. Anyway, she didn’t. But “The Gateway” is a good podcast about a cult. ― Katherine Brooks

Road Trip Music

Over the past few years, there’s been renewed interest in the work of John Fahey, the instrumentalist who put American primitive guitar on the map. As the genre has surged in popularity, acolytes and like-minded explorers have come out of the woodwork. Specialty labels have reissued private-press recordings that had long since gone out of print. It seems as though every town had an uncelebrated devotee of these obscure, mystical tunings. Worshipful but questioning, celestial and homespun, primitive guitar uses repetition and drone to access the pleasures and enlightenment of devotional music.

In April, Fahey’s hometown of Takoma Park, Maryland (just outside D.C.), honored the genre he helped create with a multiday festival. Lauding his work, it also shone a light on others who followed a similar path, devoting years to decoding the light and limber picking of Mississippi John Hurt and replicating the primal thump of Reverend Gary Davis. It was only fitting that one of this generation’s best pickers showed up ― Marisa Anderson, a guitarist based in the Pacific Northwest.

Anderson recently released a new album, “Cloud Corner,” which should be her breakthrough. She does something that I think most Fahey followers miss. She captures his melancholy, favoring mood as much as speed and technique. Her songs put you in places and moments. One song off an earlier album, she has said, is a tribute to her favorite swimming hole in Kentucky.

The new record lands on weightier subjects like the Syrian refugee crisis while other tunes process Tuareg-style playing through her fuzzy, electric style. But mostly, the songs ring clear, notes hushed or plucked pure. The album is meant for one of the few modes of escape where we can all still worship in peace: the road trip. ― Jason Cherkis

And Finally, The Women Of Color Who Dominated The Emmy Noms

Noam Galai via Getty Images

Sandra Oh was nominated for her role in “Killing Eve.”

This week in Good Stuff for me was the plethora of amazingly talented women of color who got Emmy nominations for best and supporting actress, including Sandra Oh (the first Asian woman to be nominated for lead actress in a drama), Tracee Ellis Ross, Issa Rae, Zazie Beetz, Letitia Wright and my queen Thandie Newton. ― Zeba Blay

Get last week’s Good Stuff here.

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blackpjensen · 7 years ago

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Portfolio Pictures Worth One Thousand Words And Millions Of Dollars

Our society is bombarded with images. In the 1970s, the average American saw 500 advertisements a day. In 2017, that number has increased tenfold. And that’s merely commercial advertisements, not to mention all the cat pics and selfies.

Our brains can only absorb so much. In order to prioritize limited memory space, information is subconsciously sorted and many of these images are discarded.

The old saying goes that “a picture’s worth one thousand words.” But when a prospective client sees your company’s images, will the first word in their brain be “meh…,” triggering the mental garbage disposal?

Stock photos of green lawns that are obviously not in their area — DELETE.

Another typical patio with a half pallet of pavers sitting nearby on the dug-up lawn — DELETE.

Blurry, underexposed landscape lighting shots — DELETE.

The green industry is the seen industry. Prospects are analyzing our work, our trucks, our people and every other possible image they can feed to their subconscious to make an informed decision about how you can help them accomplish their goals.

Too close to see

Images are powerful. And conversely, they can also become completely useless. Since your prospect’s brain can only retain so much, anything that doesn’t clearly stand out gets discarded as advertising noise. The status quo won’t do. Only the exceptional, extraordinary and unique will be etched into their conscious.

Sometimes, we need to take a step back. Don’t just follow what you see most of your peers doing. In fact, look outside of the green industry. Think about other extremely successful companies. Are they using professional photography? Then, why aren’t you?

But yet, the overwhelming majority of green industry companies are still doing the following:

Having busy team members shoot pictures on smartphones.

Dabbling with apps and software to filter and edit photos.

Buying a nice camera and expecting it to deliver the same results as a pro.

Using frequently used stock photos. (Seriously, you’re all using the same photos.)

Hiring professionals who don’t have experience working with lawn and landscape photography.

Take your own advice

You tell your prospective clients this all the time: “You get what you pay for.” Why would you not take your own advice?

Have you ever wanted to say, “Mr. Customer, put down the shovel and hedge shears. Trust me to get you what you’re really hoping for?”

Well, Mr. Landscaper, put down the tripod and take your finger off the shutter button. Do what you do best, and understand in order to be truly memorable you can’t afford to look like an amateur or a company that’s cutting corners to save money.

You may not think your prospects will pick up on it, but they will. Or at least when they see your competitor that invests in exceptional professional photography, they will notice the stark contrast.

Lessons from insightful, prosperous companies

The Landscape Leadership team looks at about 20 to 30 lawn and landscape companies’ websites each week. Every now and then, a few stand out in an instant. I went to a couple of these innovative industry leaders to ask them to share their insights about how using professional photography has changed their businesses.

Jarod Hynson and his team at Earth, Turf, & Wood in Denver, Pennsylvania, specializes in high-end residential landscape design and installation. Take a trip over to their website and you’ll instantly see that this company’s work is anything but typical.

As a business owner, Hynson tried his best to capture images of his projects when he could. However, after a hardscape manufacturer asked him to provide some images for their upcoming catalog, he realized that he had not gotten the shots as often as he should. Plus, he was concerned his novice photography skills might not be worthy of the national stage.

The manufacturer provided a professional photographer to shoot a few of their projects. Upon seeing the contrast in the end result, Hynson was convinced. “I told my team, ‘Wait a minute, we’re missing something pretty big here.’ I had thought our images were pretty good, but there was no comparison.”

Hynson understood that using that same professional each year for a consistent look would be one of the best things he’s ever done to help grow his business over the next 10 years. “We budget $6,000 to $9,000 every year for photography to shoot about three to four projects. That’s a drop in the bucket for a multimillion dollar company.” He also adds that even if companies aren’t performing at that level, they could choose to shoot at least one project and it would be money well spent.

Understanding that people, lighting and the finishing staging touches mean the world, Hynson states, “Our images make you want to walk into the setting. They call you into that backyard. If they don’t, we have failed at what we do. We have to capture those images – the family get-togethers, the memories – in those spaces.”

But homeowners aren’t the only targets for these visual marketing assets. Commercial landscape companies like Level Green Landscaping in Upper Marlboro, Maryland, make it a regular part of their budget to include the services of a professional photographer.

Michael Mayberry, CTO for the $15 million company, says their leadership team came to the realization that using a professional photographer on a regular basis was vital to their success. “In order to show prospective clients what we can do, we needed to have detailed, crisp, pro-quality images,” he says.

Mayberry adds that these images have a tremendous impact on commercial property managers when they use their robust website to validate them as a potential service provider. The company utilizes photography to illustrate detailed case studies, blog post images and various website content for lead generation and recruitment purposes. “You may be great, but if your website doesn’t show that well, you’re out of luck,” he says.

Each year, Level Green Landscaping has been allocating several thousands of dollars for new visual content. Using a green industry- specific photographer has made a world of difference in the end result.

“It’s not just a matter of pulling up on a site and having someone snap some pictures.” The pro and Mayberry go over a detailed creative brief prior to their multiple-day shoot each year. The locations are planned, the sites are prepped, and there are contingency plans if the weather isn’t ideal.

Mayberry is emphatic about using someone who understands the landscape industry. Items such as crews utilizing the proper protective equipment, how light interacts with landscape materials and exteriors of buildings, down to taking images from creative vantage points like balconies or even laying on the ground, are all details that a pro naturally considers.

The continued success of professional photography has influenced Mayberry to have a strong stance on the matter. “If you haven’t spent much on professional photos, you may have to invest more in the beginning until you have a good library of images,” he shares. “Or you may have to choose to ramp up your efforts each year. And don’t take all of your pictures at the same time of year. You want to be able to show all of the services you provide, throughout all of the seasons.”

Seeing the big picture

The value of using professionally shot images in your marketing efforts is extremely impactful. And finding the right professional will help you to maximize a regular investment and develop a long-term strategy to build a library of useful visual assets as you scale your company.

Successfully creating and leveraging visual content in your marketing requires a deliberate and systematic approach only a pro can bring to the table. Without it, photography will be unmemorable and more pictures of just another lawn or landscape.

With so many of your competitors missing the mark with subpar images, you have an incredible opportunity to connect with your audience on a much deeper level. Budget for professional photography on an annual basis. Put a lot of thought into which types of images your company needs. Spend the time looking for a pro who has experience capturing images that will resonate with your specific audience.

That’s how to be remembered, and how to make your pictures worth a thousand words and millions of dollars.

The post Portfolio Pictures Worth One Thousand Words And Millions Of Dollars appeared first on Turf.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 8 years ago

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i feel upset today because there is a continual expectation for me to put myself out for other people and get next to nothing in return as they ask for everything. and if i ask for something, it just goes ignored.

i’m tired of my work being devalued. i’m tired of people just taking it for granted and using it to their own benefit. i felt nothing but anxiety and animosity at the last show our group put on because i was knowingly bullied on more than one occasion by another member and then forced to put on a show with them - and was even questioned why i might pull out my art.

i was going to perform at this event. but as the weeks passed i realized i was putting in more work than anyone else and when i asked for certain things, they were ignored or put off. and yet there was an expectation for me to complete something for them ‘asap’. this made performing for the first time really devalued. like sure, i worked hard to create the event but why? what was the purpose of this? it was never to bring anyone together, it was never to showcase anything but the organizers themselves and the lack of good promotion means the likelihood of selling something at a venue not known for after hours shows and not joining our marketing is pretty low.

i am 27 years old now. i have no fucking desire to put on shitty teen shows that are half assed thrown together with a bunch of my friends. thats not what this is about for me - it lacks a certain amount of organization and class. it lacks a curation in performers. i thought i might be the worst one - and that’d be okay. they cant all be winners. but now it’s just open mic - and if i really wanted to perform at a open mic, i’d go to a real one. if i’m going to do a large amount of the work - outside of meeting with the owner one time and putting up 5 flyers on street poles - i want the results to be worth the work i put in. and IMO it’s not. it’s mediocre and thrown together.

and i feel a personal insult about this because of how much work i put intothe group itself. ive dedicated time on a semi regular basis to all the admin work, the promotion, keeping social media active, posting new submissions, fielding a majority of the questions and i’m not asking for praise - i’m asking for people to respect the work i’ve done. don’t come in and draw on it with magic marker and tell me its acceptable quality when theres folks painting in oils. i dedicated time to create an entity that could be used and harnessed; i ask for the quality of our output to match whats already there.

and i think it’s asinine that i would hve to argue doing better than average. if this is just a hobby or random activity for you - fine. it’s not serious. you’re not serious. none of this matters. but it was presented as serious. it was presented as a showcase of people’s craft. there is no effort into making it somewhere one would wnt to be. we’re all going for the ~decor. we print posters because we want to see our name on a poster in the street - not becuse we’re really advertising an event. it was acceptable that the only people in attendance would be the performers and a few of their friends. acceptable!! that’s an unsuccessful house party, in my opinion.

you know whats missing locally? proper use of social media to network between people. it’s impossible to find other artists in the area unless you scour through obscure hashtags. but yet theres dozens and dozens if not hundreds of artists in the local area. this means you get stuck in one influence and within that influence you may be chastised for going against the “norm” of their influence. instead of new ideas being welcomed, they’re constantly turned down or argued against.

i’ve met all of the people i know through facebook and instagram in my art world. thats a very powerful tool.i know models who only book through instagram. and ive had arguements about the use of hashtags. as if theyre not relevant.

i’m tired of questioning what i know. tht honestly gives me the most anxiety. and its not like im tired of questioning what i do - its healthy to question your actions - but what i know and believe makes me feel unsure of myself and the skills i have. i have had experience working in the creative industries since i was 17, freelancing. and i have a wide variety of skills in graphic design, retouching photos, photography of models & landscapes & products, glamour modeling & product modeling (of which i’ve done for dozens of photographers in the local area), web design & blogging + knowlege of e-commerce platforms, wordpress, seo, promotion & marketing both online & offline, i’ve sold crafts online for almost four years and switched my primary creative tool from artisan crafts to trditional & figure art that i studied & practiced extensively for over two years, i have skills in copywriting & journalism, i have a handle on the basic laws of creative works & how they can be used, basic knowledge in building & selling a brand, communicating with clients & customers (of which i’ve had no complaints in regards to my communication - ive had complaints about shipping because post offices are not so nice), creating organized file systems which can be used by multiple people -- i have paid my dues. i am still growing, absolutely. i am not the best at any of the above things i listed. i could be even better. i could spend two hours today on one of these skills and be better than i am right now. i can always be better.

but just because i can be better doesnt take away from what i know now, what i have learned, what i have studied - like i took the time to study and read up on research and marketing & promotion techniques. a good portion of my first shop was spent reading about how to sell stuff, not so much making stuff to sell. as i did not realize at the time how much work went into being successful online. and i did not realize until my shop closed how i had taken that skill for granted - because i had done all that work & effort, it was able to pull in a few sales a month with little to no effort now. if i worked harder, maybe i couldve been even better.

i also (un)willingly have worked full time as an artist and only an artist for at least two years. this is the “luxury” ive been allowed in life even though i am the definition of starving artist. i didnt have it as a part time job or hobby - it was something i did every single day and i marketed & promoted for hours a day. an acquaintance of mine upon hearing of my mental state now told me that i had gone so hard for so long - and i kind of appreciated that he saw that on the outside. that someone could see that i actully did work incredibly hard. that i was dedicated.. that i AM dedicated.

i’m not saying any of this makes me better thn anyone else or knowing more - it just means i’m experienced. i am very very experienced in not only practicing a craft but marketing that craft to sell, displaying that craft in it’s best light, knowing the best places to sell. i also work in quality over quantity. i am not interested in doing 9 - 10 shows a year. i’m not interested in shitting out 5 - 7 paintings at a time. it means before i touch anything to paper or canvas or wood - i’ve thought about it. i’ve really, really thought about it. i didnt just sit down and throw paint on the canvas. i couldve been thinking of this image for days before i do it. or the craft itself - my bone jewelry came because i absolutely neded to make a necklace out of fish bones i found and they needed vials attached. why? i dont know. but it just needed to be.

when i started the group, i asked about names. i didnt choose a name or dictate the name. i was given a suggestion by someone i actually dont like at all and was given a reson for why he felt it was a good suggestion and i agreed because business-wise it was a good suggestion. i respected that he hd different ideas and experiences that shaped that suggestion that i did not have. i learned through it that i should expand my reach - both in my personal creative life and my ‘business’ creative life.

my ~partner was disappointed i wasn’t going to perform. i could tell it was frustrating and dissappointing to him because i think he thought it wouldve been good for me and that i would hopefully find something in it that would bring me something. and through his disappointment he told me that it wasn’t totally right to drop out of something you planned to do or that peopl expected you to be at.

but i’d like to turn that around - my partner is someone who also puts himself out for others on a regular basis. and for a long, long, long time he was fucked around and fucked over by many people. an old friend came to his door and asked to borrow money and he allowed him to despite knowing he might be a drug addict now. he had no obligation to this person but it was like since he was asked, he should. and i think if he lerned to say no, or learned to walk away from an unhealthy situation, he would be happier as well. i’ve learned first hand the benefit of walking away from something toxic. and you will feel misplaced guilt for a bit, i feel some guilt now but it’s for the best.

i try to think how i can change my perspective on it but i cannot. i wold not walk down the street if this was held in the local gallery, nevermind 20km away. like once i took myself out as a performer i realized i wouldnt even want to go. i dont want to see anyone perform but my partner; who will already be subdued because of the venue. ive been completely taken out of the organization of the event - despite having been continually involved in the promotion and a few conversations since the lst one where i said i didnt want to keep doing this. so ive deleted my advertisement efforts online andi’m just halting any further promotion on my part of this event. i’m 97% sure i’m personally not even going to go. i no longer ant to see half of the people there on a personal level so it’s not even worth going to to hang out and i dont care about displaying my art.

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