#i wanted to make a reader that wasnt perfect and deserved antipathy

[paimonial-rage]

antipathy - kaeya

leftovers from the [random writing event]

You knew it from the moment you were presented before him as a new knight trainee. It was evident within him from the narrowing of his star-pointed eye to the quirk at the corner of his lips. Despite standing in the third row far from the front, it was as if he could sense your presence in an instant. You immediately shrunk under his gaze.

He hated you.

Though he could hide it well, it was ever present as he led you all into training. When you lagged out of breath at the end of the crowd, he did not stop for you. Though he aided others and provided instruction to those struggling to put up their tents, he had no help for you. And then those jokes about deceit and betrayal he shared around the campfire. Was he trying to dig the knife of guilt even deeper into your back?

The worst part was that you deserved it. You deserved his disdain. If you didn’t let fear of disownment convince you to follow through with your mother’s underhanded schemes, perhaps he would smile at you as he had in the past. You knew it was wrong. But when push came to shove, you didn’t speak up when given the chance and soon your lies were revealed before the crowd. 

Your parents abandoned you at the first chance they got, claiming you let your supposed obsession over becoming the next Ragnvindr matriarch convince you to act as you did. But when their involvement was brought to light, they turned to blaming each other. In the end, your family became disgraced amongst the nobles of Mondstadt, thus losing their connections and prestige. 

It was the following years after that finally made you see your parents in a new light. Instead of changing their ways for the better as you hoped, your parents sunk even further into corruption in an attempt to regain their status and riches. How they even tried to rope you into it, sending you to various galas to create connections and setting up various scandalous incidents to secure you a spouse. It all was so shameful. Embarrassing.

How odd it was that you feared disownment so greatly in the past, for one day, you suddenly broke. Gathering the few jewels you had left, you left the family home you lived in since childhood and moved into a small studio in the south of the city. Vowing to change, you did the first thing you could think of and signed up to be a knight. It was foolish and short-sighted, you knew, but how else could you atone?

But meeting Kaeya again for the first time… your heart twisted with shame. You wanted to give up. You wanted nothing more than to leave and return home. You should’ve known it well. Becoming a knight was too good for you. You were nothing but the same scum as your parents. 

So it was a wonder how, despite consistently lagging at the back of the group, you found yourself going to training everyday. You were not a knight. You were not a fighter. You wanted to give up. And still yet, there you were pulling yourself out of bed every day. ‘Tomorrow,’ you found yourself saying, ‘you would turn in your sword tomorrow.’

How despaired you were when that day never came. Even during the last test before knighthood where you were beaten to the ground during sparring and struggling at the back of the group during the march, there you were always pulling yourself back up to your feet. And when you were passed and entered probation, nothing could damper the joy you felt in your chest, even when you knew you didn’t deserve it.

And you really didn’t, you knew that well. You were merely wearing the mask of a knight, desperately trying to convince yourself that if you wore it well, it would replace the filth you were beneath. In the back of your mind, you knew it would come back one day to bite you. More than anything, you were the child of your parents. You were watered by the same polluted stream as them. But surely it wouldn’t come so soon, right? You could convince yourself you were living free.

And it was like that for a bit. Probation was much easier than the sessions as a trainee knight. The short expeditions around Mondstadt were refreshing, as were the patrols made around the city. Some nights you were up late while others in the hot of the sun. The knights, being the rowdy bunch they were, didn’t know your past and warmed up to you quickly. They were your friends. For the first time in your life, living was… it was nice. Warm. Wonderful. 

And then it ended. 

It happened during a debriefing before your squadron. 

Before the crowd the Cavalry Captain spoke of how the reconnaissance team dug up a covert drug operation taking place between the Fatui and some of the people of Mondstadt. It was all run of the mill as he was speaking of it, but when he mentioned a man being spotted of the same hair color and height as your brother, your blood began to run cold. Surely your family didn’t fall that far, did they?

The moment you were freed that evening, it was to the family home you went. And just as you feared the most, there in the storehouses in the back were the drugs spoken about not hours before. It was easy, too easy. Of course your family didn’t have the smarts nor foresight to hide them better. But before you could leave to report your findings, there your brother was waiting for you at the door. 

Instead of treating you with sneers and berating you for leaving the family home, upon his face was a grin. How perfect that you came home when you did. If you didn’t, he would have visited you himself. After all, how fortuitous it was for the family that you became a knight. By sidling up to the Grand Master, you could gain all the knowledge your family needed to avoid the knights’ notice with his illicit business dealings. 

When you tried to back away, however, he became enraged. After all your family did for you, were you going to abandon them when they finally had the chance to rise again? Sure you had been running with the knights for a few months, but did you really think doing so would change you? After all, the same blood that ran through your family ran through you. Nothing you did would change that. With a sigh, your brother shook his head. It was about time you gave up on that foolish dream.

So when your brother held his hand out for you to join him, you froze still. And when he told you to give in and listen to him, tears filled your eyes. Was it really true? Was a filthy scheming noble all you would ever be? 

“N-No,” you finally got out, hands shaking as you pulled out your sword. “This is wrong. I… I am one of the Knights of Favonius. I stand on the side of the people of Mondstadt. A-And if you choose to stand in the way of that, I will not hesitate to bring you down.”

You must have been quite the sight as you stood there shaking as tears fell from your eyes, for your brother laughed. As he snapped his fingers, his lips curled into a grin as thugs began to step out from behind the building surrounding you. 

“That’s a shame, First. Not that I’m surprised. You always were the disappointment of the family.” Turning around, he then snapped his fingers once more. “Boys, take care of them.”

Your heart dropped into your stomach as the thugs began to close in. Taking steps back, you waved your sword in front of you in an effort to keep them back. Was this it? Was this penance for always following along with your family’s schemes? If so, this was what you deserved, wasn’t it? Your eyes shut in shame. What a fool you were to think you could ever change. 

But before they could lay their hands on you, a loud shout cried out. Then came the sound of footsteps, many of them. Eyes shooting open, you gasped to see your brother apprehended upon the ground as your fellow knights swarmed the thugs. 

“First!? Did you actually lead them here? How dare you do this to your family!” Your brother cursed as he tried to wrestle himself free from the person holding him down. “You betrayed us. How could you!?”

But before you could respond, another voice answered, “They ‘betrayed’ you? No, I’d say you betrayed them. All they wanted was to live peacefully while the rest of you forced them to obey.”

You jumped when a hand suddenly fell upon your head patting it gently. Then, with the grace of a swan, the Calvary Captain then took his place before you. As he gazed at your brother, he shook his head and sighed. “Really, you have no one to blame but yourselves. You were the ones that pushed them to this point, after all.”

As your brother was dragged away kicking and screaming, there you stood before Captain Kaeya, your shoulders drawn and your hands shaking. Sure, he may have stood up for you, but that didn’t mean he fully believed you. You saw the way he used to look at you. But what could you say? 

“Captain Kaeya, I–”

He laughed.

“Oh, there’s no reason to be looking like that, First. Someone will think I scolded you. Surely you don’t want Lisa to scold me, do you?” he asked with a laugh. 

But his words did not bring assurance. Shame bubbled in your stomach.

“Should I turn in my sword tomorrow? Now that my role is done and all, I mean,” you managed to get out. 

If you had been looking up at him, you would have seen his eye widen in surprise. 

“What do you mean?”

You did your best to stand without drawing your shoulders in or gripping your scabbard tightly to assuage your nervousness. 

“You accepted me into the knights to find the perpetrators behind the drug smuggling incident. That’s why you followed me this evening, right? If not to catch me in the act, to catch my family.” Your shoulders dropped that time. 

“Wait,” he began as he held a hand out. “I may have followed you, but it was only for your safety. I had no doubt that you would stand firm against your family.”

You shook your head. 

“There’s no need to lie to me, Captain Kaeya. I know you don’t trust me after what I did to your brother.”

He sighed. 

“When you first applied for the knights, I admit I had my reservations. But not even I can deny the dedication I saw. And then after hearing more about your family from Eula, I…” You then felt a hand on your shoulder. “You’ve been going through a lot this whole time. I’m… sorry for taking so long to realize that.”

Your shoulders drew even more in as tears filled your eyes. 

“You’ll be a great knight, First,” he said with a kind smile. “You’re more than your family will ever be. You have to believe that.”

You nodded, sniffling as tears fell down your cheeks. He laughed.

“Oh dear, now Lisa will really scold me. Let’s head back to the headquarters. How does hot cocoa sound? I’m sure the Spark Knight will want a cup too.”

You nodded once more and followed him back to the place you belonged.