#i wanted to be free from the social stigma and yet these “supporters” reinforce it in a weird other direction

[aviancataclysm]

is there a way to like block/quit 99% of tumblr but stay very active on the 1% because i cant take it any more people are so fucking stupid

or do i practice internet abstinence where i avoid looking at my dash and use tumblr solely for one or two tags (geometry dash + other fandoms i post about such as unaliver drones and gravity farts + aspec stuff because im not touching the trans tags!!! i am not!! people are so extremely weird about it even if it's the supporting side)

[quietnqueer]

Does one HAVE to be born asexual or can one BECOME asexual? Some thoughts on the ‘attraction not action’ and related discourse.

There’s no proof that asexuality arises from biology. However, that doesn’t stop many ace-spec folk (including myself) from talking about our asexuality as something inborn, innate, immutable.  We are adamant that we can no more change our ace-ness than we can the colour of our skin.

When we speak about our asexuality in these terms, we’re trying to get across how real our orientation feels to us. Asexuality isn’t something we chose, it isn’t something we made up. And it doesn’t matter that there’s no ‘asexual gene’. We just know we’re ace.

Claiming our asexuality to be something innate to us, is our strongest weapon in a world which assumes that everyone wants sex and everyone experiences sexual attraction. When we say we were ‘born’ asexual, not only are we popping a pin in that ‘sex is essential to the human condition’ balloon, we are also demanding that asexual people be recognised, accepted, and protected, for we cannot ‘help’ what we are.

The most widely-accepted definition of an asexual person today - someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction - encourages this ‘essentialist’ discourse.  Asexuality 101 likes to make it very clear that being asexual has nothing to do with whether you actually have sex or not. Asexual is an orientation, something you just are.

I want to talk about some of the problems and limitations of this.

Firstly, it doesn’t allow for the fact that some people’s sexual orientation is fluid / can change over time. The idea that one is born asexual is so dominant in the ace community, that the voices of those who feel they ‘became’ asexual, or move in and out of asexuality, could get drowned out, or worse still, dismissed entirely. Do we accept that people can identify as asexual even if they’ve experienced strong sexual attraction before? Can people claim to be asexual if their lack of sexual attraction is something contingent, influenced by their external environment, rather than as something innate and immutable?

For this is another issue with the ‘born asexual’ rhetoric. It prohibits an exploration of how social and cultural forces also influence / intersect with our asexual identities and experiences.

Before I discovered I was asexual, I didn’t identify as anything - not straight not gay not bi. I was just nothing, a blank. However, the reason I didn’t identify as straight wasn’t because I knew I lacked sexual attraction towards men; it was because I was a radical feminist and rejecting heterosexuality went with the territory.

Yet even now, having realised I’m asexual, my feminist politics still ‘inform’ my (a)sexual identity. My feminism reinforces my asexuality, it allows me to revel in it that little bit more. It’s not just that I don’t experience sexual (or romantic) attraction towards men. I’m glad I don’t because it means I don’t have to try and reconcile my ‘grrr patriarchy!’ worldview with any squishy-squashy feelings I may have towards individual men - because I don’t experience those feelings.

                                                         [...]

I’m a feminist who has never been sexually attracted to men or been interested in forming a relationship with a man. However, what if a woman was attracted to men, but decided to stop pursuing sexual relationships with them because she believed to do so would compromise her feminist politics?  Could she claim to be ace?  Well, in the seventies, during the days of second-wave feminism, some women did identify as asexual on this basis.

The authors of ‘The Asexual Manifesto’, a feminist pamphlet published in 1972, wrote: “we reject any possibility of sex… [to] prevent ourselves from being sexually exploited and oppressed… For us, asexuality is a commitment to defy and ultimately destroy the baseless concepts, surrounding both sex and relationships, which support and perpetuate the patriarchy.”  [You can read the full manifesto here.] 

In stark contrast to today, the manifesto does not define asexuality as an innate orientation, but as a political identity, as an “efficient ‘alternative lifestyle’ for revolutionary women”. It argues a case for women to choose asexuality.

To choose to lead a life without sex is still a radical act, especially when that choice is informed by a feminist / queer politics, and regardless of whether you’re sexually attracted to others or not. Given that so much of what The Asexual Manifesto had to say about the sexual exploitation of women still applies today, I think there’s grounds for incorporating this definition / experience of asexuality within current ace discourse and to create space for people to claim asexuality as a purely political identity.

                                                           [...]

What difference does it make, what harm do we think it would do, if someone wants to identify as asexual because they - quite willingly and quite happily - lead a life devoid of sex/sexual relationships, even if they (whisper it) still find themselves sexually attracted to other people from time to time?

I think ace discourse today is a little too insistent on making a lack of sexual attraction the arbiter of asexual identity. Asexuality 101 likes to point out that being ace comes down to ‘attraction not action’ i.e. you can be asexual and still have sex, you can be asexual and even enjoy having sex. What makes one truly ace is that you don’t fancy the person you’re fucking.

Now, I’m not arguing here for celibacy to be used interchangeably with asexuality. However, I think the emphasis on ‘attraction’ over ‘action’ does exclude some people from potentially identifying/allying with the ace community. There are people who experience sexual attraction, but who don’t have sex, who are sex-repulsed / indifferent, and/or prioritise / prefer non-sexual relationships. These non-normative experiences / feelings around sex are bound to affect their everyday lives, in ways which asexual people may understand and be familiar with.

I potentially have more in common with a single woman who experiences sexual attraction but who lives a sex-free life, than I do with an asexual woman who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, but who’s married and has sex with her partner. Those who live a ‘single at heart’ / queer spinster life can still experience a lot of stigma, and this is the case regardless of whether they are sexually attracted to others or not. The lack of ‘action’ can give rise to just as much discrimination / judgement / weird looks as the lack of ‘attraction’. But this is what gets lost I think when so much ace discourse, indeed the very definition of asexuality itself, is so firmly rooted in asexuality being an innate, inborn orientation.

Can we allow for people to become asexual as well as to have been born asexual?

Must we insist that asexuality is something that resides in your head with nothing much to do with what goes on in your bed?

I want to give a massive hat-tip to Rotten Zucchinis’ blog series: ‘Notes on Neoliberalism, Homonormativy, and Ace Discourse’ which got me thinking along these lines and inspired this post. You should definitely check out the series here.

[ssdissatsifactionofdietculture]

Environment and Context

Diet culture is a huge force in what drives body dissatisfaction, as its center around the thin-ideal influences the ways in which women are represented (and objectified) in the media. While it may feel overwhelming to try to pin down the start of this thin-ideal and the start of dieting for weight loss purposes, both of these histories are actually rooted in the 19th century. As described in “The Inner Corset” by Laura Fraser, “Two of the most distinguished doctors of the age [the 1800s], George Beard and S. Weir Mitchell, believed that excessive thinness caused American women to succumb to a wide variety of nervous disorders and that a large number of fat cells was absolutely necessary to achieve a balanced personality. But when the plump figure fell from favor [Between the 1880s and 1920s], physicians found new theories to support the new fashion” (Fraser, 1997). In addition, the appreciation of the thin body was influenced greatly by the influx of immigrants into the US. As it became possible for people of lower incomes and social statuses to “become plump, being fat no longer was a sign of prestige. Well-to-do  Americans of northern European extraction wanted to be able to distinguish themselves, physically and racially, from stockier immigrants...status symbols flipped: it became chic to be thin and all too ordinary to be over-weight” (Fraser, 1997). Clearly, the body norms that we uphold can shift over the course of history, and with them the science that supports them. To reinforce this new thin-ideal of the 20th century, diets centered around weight loss (such as the “tapeworm diet” and the “Fletcherizing diet”) became popular. (Wdowik, 2017). 

As time has gone on, the thin-ideal has influenced how women are represented in the media. Generally, TV shows, movies, and ads primarily show us women in very slim bodies, and unfortunately, in many cases the women represented are sexualized or objectified. For example, The Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls shows that the “sexualization of women is particularly prominent in the world of advertising. In prime-time television commercials, for example, Lin (1997) demonstrated that women more often than men were shown in a state of undress, exhibited more “sexiness,” and were depicted as sexual objects  (9.2% of men vs. 20.8% of women)” (APA, 2007). As described in our previous post, sexualization and objectification can have serious consequences on girls’ and women’s health outcomes and their self image, and can push them more towards engaging in disordered habits for those with serious body dissatisfaction. Considering the fact that there is mainly one body type being represented on screen (a thin one), this gives off the message that people in larger bodies are not acceptable in the way that they look and that they need to slim down in order to be considered beautiful, thus pushing them to spend money on services or products that will make them them skinnier (diet pills, weight loss programs, diets, etc). 

Despite diet culture’s long history and the very real consequences that it can create for women, as of yet there have been no attempts by local state agencies in Oregon to try to limit the impacts of diet culture or the sexualization of women in the media to create a more inclusive, positive, and appropriate representation of women and girls. However, there are advocacy groups and organizations in Portland that are focused on repairing the harm done by diet culture and creating better options for those who have been impacted by weight stigma. For instance, one Portland based organization goes by the name of “Be Nourished.” Be Nourished was started in 2005 by Hilary Kinavey and Dana Sturtevant, and since its creation, Be Nourished staff have been dedicated to helping people heal from the damage done by body shame, eating disorders, cycles of dieting, weight stigma, and more. Be Nourished also focuses on using trauma informed approaches to help people recover, in addition to using fundamentals from intuitive eating and the Health at Every Size model. 

Another group in Portland dedicated to creating positive experiences for people in larger bodies who have been affected by diet culture and weight stigma is BigFatFunPDX. The organization “plans events and outings for the Fat-positive community. Each event aims to create a supportive environment where members can escape the weight of society, and feel free to be their authentic self” (BigFatFunPDX, 2018). BFFPDX hosts a number of different activities for participants, such as karaoke, game nights, “Fat Girls Hiking”, and more. Having organizations such as these ones helps chip away at diet culture’s power and empowers those who want to reclaim their bodies and create new mindsets centered around healing and finding community with others that have been impacted by the thin-ideal, diet culture, and the sexualization and objectification that we are so continuously exposed to. By starting this process of chipping away at diet culture, it brings us one step closer to having policies surrounding media representation and having more body inclusivity in the US. An additional bright spot is that in Michigan, weight discrimination is outlawed, and lawmakers in Massachusetts have actually “ introduced a bill that would make it illegal to discriminate on the basis of weight in that state” (Puhl, 2019). This means that there is hope for the future regarding weight discrimination, and I believe it is possible that more places might adopt this policy as well, giving the message that weight does not determine one’s worth or ability. 

Works Cited:

ANAD. (n.d.). Eating Disorder Statistics. Retrieved April 16, 2020, from https://anad.org/education-and-awareness/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

Fraser, L. “The Inner Corset - A Brief History of Fat in the United States.” The Fat Studies Reader, vol. 1, New York University, 2009, p. 13.

Wdowik, M. (2017, November 13). The long, strange history of dieting fads. Retrieved April 24, 2020, from https://source.colostate.edu/the-long-strange-history-of-dieting-fads/

About Be Nourished. (2020). Retrieved April 24, 2020, from https://benourished.org/about/

Joy, A. (2018). What is Big Fat Fun about? Retrieved April 24, 2020, from https://www.bigfatfunpdx.com/about 

Puhl, R. (2019, June 21). Weight Discrimination is Rampant. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/weight-discrimination-is-rampant-yet-in-most-places-its-still-legal/2019/06/21/f958613e-9394-11e9-b72d-d56510fa753e_story.html

[onedayatatimeblog]

Episode 1: “This Is It”

One Day at a Time

Alejandra Guzman

Key Characters in the Episode

↠ Penelope (MC): US Army Nurse Corps Veteran; single mother of two ↠ Elena: Penelope’s daughter  ↠ Alex: Penelope’s son ↠ Lydia: Penelope’s mother and Elena and Alex’s grandmother ↠ Schneider: Landlord and good friend of the Alvarez family ↠ Dr. Berkowitz: Penelope’s boss at work  

Episode Overview:

Penelope and Lydia try to convince Elena to have a traditional quinceañera to celebrate her 15th birthday and honor her Cuban roots (Wolfe, 2017). This conversation brings about many disagreements and perspectives on what the celebration represents. As the episode unfolds, topics about Cuban culture, expected gender roles, mental health stigma, military service, and immigration emerge. Although the family faces a series of complexities in life, as they seek to understand each other and their connection to certain things, the family realizes despite divergent viewpoints, their love and support for each other is most important. After constant debates between Elena, Penelope, and Lydia, a meaningful conversation between Elena and Penelope takes place. In which they reconcile, and afterwards Elena agrees to the have the celebration.

Race, Ethnicity, and Culture:

The entirety of the show is based on a Cuban American family’s experiences with aspects of life in America, therefore, ethnicity and culture, are continuously present. In this episode, conversations about Cuban culture are a main focus, as the family tries to convince Elena to celebrate her quinceañera. Particularly Lydia is concerned that their Cuban roots will be forgotten, as American culture dominates. In an argument about the quinceañera, Lydia says “you are throwing away your Cuban heritage” (Wolfe, 2017). The concept of heritage is very important to Lydia because it is part of the family’s identity. The comment suggests minorities in the US often struggle with keeping their roots, as children start to move away from them. Author Nadine Naber (2010) brings attention to this through an Arab lens. She writes about how transgressing parent expectations causes cultural loss, and the struggle immigrant generations face trying to strengthen cultural continuity, while adapting to American life (p. 76-77). So although heritage seems personally important to just Lydia, many immigrant families feel the same way.

This show does a good job at representing the Latinx community and the majority of the cast itself is Latinx. However, some stereotypes emerge and reinforce unrealistic ideas about the diverse ethnic groups under the umbrella term Latinx. A reinforced stereotype is that Latinx folks are loud, especially women.  In this episode, the family is noisy and Penelope and Lydia do dominate conversations as they speak loudly and freely. This draws the false belief that Latinx folks are loud and always ready to celebrate. Although I do not see it as a negative stereotype, it still influences what we think about Latinx folks, so when a person does not fit this expectation, they are seen as outsiders of the culture.Furthermore, since quinceañeras are a Latinx tradition that celebrate the transition into womanhood, many assume Latinas want one. However, as in Elena’s case many girls do not see it as an important life event, nor want want one. Whitney Pow (2012) addressed how these stereotypes can be harmful. She stated that the few portrayals of certain cultures in the media are often full of stereotypes, which turn into what people expect of that specific culture, which creates a form of identity erasure (p. 84). 

In this episode, the inclusion of Schneider highlights the power and privileges that come with race and even gender. In many instances, Schneider pitched in his opinion, without thinking about his position in the Alvarez family and the privilege of his culture. His presence brings attention to the unconscious implications of race. In one scene, Schneider seeks to have a conversation with Elena to convince her to have her quinceañera. Despite not having an understanding of the culture or history, he pitched in his opinion. In another scene, when Alex questions the family’s income, Schneider tries to step up to explain the situation. I think this comes to imply how white folks have privilege that makes them feel entitled to speak on behalf of things they have no personal connection to. Along with Schneider’s race, his gender also gives him privilege. And although he might not intend to come off as rude in these instances, the way he instantly interfered before Penelope could speak, shows how he unconsciously places himself in a higher position to her.

Gender & Sexuality: 

In this episode, the implication is that the main characters are all cisgender. However, as the show progresses, representation of gender and sexuality diversifies. At the moment, there is a balance of male and female characters, which all seem to speak evenly. Although, the narrative is more focused on Penelope, as she is centered as the single mother dealing with the complexities of life, family, and culture. In this particular episode, many gender stereotypes emerge to reinforce ideas about gendered expectations, but also many are challenged, which demonstrates the awareness of the cast. 

In the beginning, a patient at Penelope’s work sees a picture of her in an army uniform, and assumes it was a Halloween costume. This largely implies that society has not fully accepted women in military services, as it is seen as a male dominated sphere. In a later scene, a particular stereotype that stood out is the one about boys growing up to be the man of the house, when a father is absent. Alex is only a middle schooler, yet he feels he needs to grow up to be the family provider. This norm exists in many cultures, but it is very prevalent in Latinx culture because it ties into the idea of machismo. It brings a sense of manliness and pride to be able to protect and provide for your family. A way that Penelope defies this stereotype is by demonstrating that women can be providers too. She is a single working mother, and provides most of the family’s income. Penelope also raises her kids against expected gender roles. In one instance she asks both Alex and Elena to help in the kitchen, instead of reinforcing the idea that cooking and cleaning are a woman's job.

Towards the end, Elena is surprised to find out her mother has feminist views, and Penelope’s response is “I can assemble a rifle in thirteen seconds. I’m a total badass” (Wolfe, 2017). This expresses how feminist are stereotyped to be loud, obnoxious, man haters, for the abolishment of patriarchy. Which is mainly born from liberal and social feminism, as these currently have more outward expressions (Kirk, 2020, p. 9). This erases the reality, that feminist fight to address various issues and in many ways. It also suggests that to be a feminist one is suppose to be a certain way. For instance, Elena’s feminism is never questioned because of her open expressions and appearance. In regards to sexuality, Latina women are often hyper-sexualized and exoticized in the media. This is problematic because it reinforces the idea that women of color do not fit Western beauty ideals, and only certain aspects of them are desired. Whitney Pow (2012) addresses this “exoticization” as causing harm because it presents certain communities as unable to assimilate, which is untrue (p. 84). In this show, Elena is portrayed as a nerdy feminist that dresses tomboyish, which breaks away from this hyper-sexualization of Latinas, allowing her to assimilate. However, it can still be harmful because it portrays the message that if a woman of color does not seem exotic, she is not desired.

Subtle Remarks With Larger Political Implications:

Within this episode, topics brought up seem as if only relevant to some characters due to context, however, many remarks have larger implications. For instance, Penelope is prescribed antidepressants to help with her depression and PTSD from being deployed in Afghanistan. However, she is hesitant to take them because “Cubans suffer in silence” and she does not want her mother to think she is a drug addict. Later on when Lydia sees Penelope about to take the antidepressants, she says “you don’t need drugs, you need your husband” (Wolfe, 2017). This scene implies the stigma around mental illness, particularly in the Latinx community. Speaking from a Latinx perspective, often times older generations have a hard time understanding mental health, and are quick to label people as weak for resorting to taking medications. Furthermore, saying that Penelope needs her husband also implies that women need men. Lydia goes on to justify that Penelope’s husband is doing the right thing, by leaving to earn money as the provider. Although a subtle remark, it reinforces the idea that women rely on men and basically a man is all they need, as he will provide.

In another scene, Elena pretends to be her grandmother to demonstrate Lydias view on the quinceañera. Elena proceeds to say “I worked so hard to give you an opportunity in this land of the free and home of the brave” (Wolfe). This subtle remark draws attention to immigration. Lydia herself immigrated from Cuba to the US, to have a better future.  The comment suggests how often individuals who face undesirable conditions in their home country, look to the US as a place of opportunities. During the end, Penelope also admits the main reason for wanting Elena to have a quinceañera was because she wanted people to say “look at the amazing single mom pulling it all together by herself” (Wolfe, 2017). Although specific to Penelope, this is an undertone of how a lot of women feel the need to prove themselves. Specifically, single mothers feel the need to go above and beyond, apart from doing a two-person job alone, just to receive some simple acceptance and validation for their efforts.

References:

Kirk, G., & Okazawa-Rey, M. (2020). Untangling the “F”-word. In Gendered Lives: Intersectional perspectives (7th ed., pp. 2-17). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Naber, N. (2010). Decolonizing Culture: Beyond Orientalist and Anti-Orientalist Feminisms.In Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (7th ed., pp. 76-83). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Pow, W. (2012). That’s Not Who I Am: Calling Out and Challenging Stereotypes of Asian Americans. In Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (7th ed., pp. 84-88). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Wolfe, D. (Staff Writer), & Hochman, S. (Co-Producer). (2017, January 6). This Is It (Season 1, Episode 1) [TV series episode]. In N. Lear & B. Miller (Executive Producers), One Day at a Time. Netflix.

[scifimagpie]

Censorship and 'Censorship': Who Gets to Speak?

Hello hello!

In the increasingly surreal absurdist comedy that is current international politics, the issue of free speech has been awfully prevalent. With the new development of sensitivity readers and an outsized backlash to their existence, as well as cries of outrage over the cancellation of Milo Yiannopoulos' book contract, a lot of people have taken these as 'attacks' on free speech. Meanwhile, Beauty and the Beast is being banned from certain theatres because the character Le Fou will be openly gay.

There will be people who say that these actions are on par. Neil Gaiman, who I love and respect, wrote an essay to that effect about nine years ago.

There was a time when I would have agreed with that essay, because after all, who does get to speak? Is there really a difference between public censorship and government censorship? Is refusal of a business to deal with an individual really censorship at all?

The thing is, all taboo or unpopular comments are not created equally. The people who would like to have the freedom, or 'freedom' to support violence and harassment against others are eager to make the claim that they're doing so for the sake of provocation, but it's funny how they never stand up for, say, the gay or 'ethnic' people who are also saying socially unacceptable things.

"Censorship" versus lack of support

Censorship refers to the practice of an official, government-led organization removing or culling content for the sake of a moral agenda. Refusal to allow a speaker or publish a book due to protesting is not government censorship, it's a decision for the sake of consumers. That's well-trodden ground and I don't plan on tramping it into smoothness yet again. Rather, I'd like to focus on the real issue - that all 'unacceptable' speech, as I'm going to call it, is not created equally and does not come from equally supported, safely-positioned, societally enshrined sources.

Who's the target?

For a long time, the broad left and the liberal segments of the right have grappled with the idea that people want to voice and discuss things that aren't socially rewarded. Sometimes these things are simple, like, 'black people are treated badly', and sometimes these things are basically underage teen girl porn by famous authors.

There's a certain idea that's been prevalent since the 90s; namely, that offending people is automatically good or moral in some way. In television, from my understanding, there's a weird attitude of equality in terms of who is allowed to be targeted for offensive jokes, which gives the inaccurate idea that all groups have equal weight in choosing targets. With this idea, offending everyone is fine, even moral, because it 'makes people think' or 'shakes them up'.

But pretending that all ugly speech is created equally is a fallacy that has allowed the proliferation of hate speech and violence of various kinds. It comes from the same idea that everyone is born with the same opportunities and advantages, when that simply isn't the case. Black people in the USA die four years earlier than white people, Trans people experience disproportionate rates of mental illness and violence, leading to a shockingly low life-expectancy - roughly age thirty. Simply being born or developing a particular set of circumstances has a drastic effect on people's lives.

It's an ugly but empirically proveable fact that being a woman subjects one to greater risks of sexual violence and limits career advancement, that being transgender has the same results but multiplied, that being disabled in any way results in a lower lifespan, that being a sex worker carries both danger and stigma, and that being a person of colour, or fitting into intersections of any of these groups, has a magnified effect of inequality. I haven't cited every one of these ideas to avoid turning my post into link soup, but it's not hard to find support for them.

Who gets to say what?

The problem comes from the fact that some people are used to hearing certain things on a regular basis, and some experience disproportionate harm from these things. A black woman listening to a "n---" joke from a fellow black comedian may experience commiseration in the context of talking about a shared experience. The same joke from a white comedian plays into historic and present inequalities, and even if it's intended in a friendly way, can reinforce those inequalities.

With that in mind, considering the audience targeted by a certain piece of art is essential to deciding on whether or not to support that art's expression. The time has come for us to choose which 'free speech' we're going to support, and I personally plan to use the audience and targets to determine the people I'm going to stand behind. The idea of 'punching up' compared to 'punching down' is unquestionably vital here. Sometimes intersectional nuances can make it difficult to choose a side, and in those cases, a full-force attack is less necessary than a careful, mediated conversation. But in a lot of situations, the people experiencing blocks and resistance tend to be those disempowered by social circumstances.

"But everyone protests things!" comes the counter-argument. "We need to be able to say awful things just in case..."

In Canada, as well as many other countries, hate speech is punishable by law and considered separately from other forms of free speech and self-expression. In the US, that is not the case, and it's because of a refusal to acknowledge that saying ugly things about people who can be harmed by them is different than annoying people.

It's really worth considering why it's so important to demonstrate one's freedoms by vocalizing aggression or violence towards others. Since white people and men in general tend to be protected by social structures and the way laws are enforced, it's vital to realise that things that hurt our feelings seldom hurt us in ways that leave a lasting impact. Feelings do matter, but in the context of violence and poverty, refusing to be criticized because it's annoying seems awfully greedy.

What does this mean for writers?

Those of us who create content play a role in creating culture itself. Instead of being upset about sensitivity readers, it's better to embrace them and appreciate their role in helping us improve our fiction and ensure its fairness. Sure, there will be times when an issue is nuanced and sticky and effects a couple of groups of people on the sharp end of prejudice, or when people from the same group have multiple differing opinions on content. For example, Asian people are divided over Madame Butterfly and Miss Saigon, which provide casting opportunities but reinforce prejudiced ideas. While it's seldom possible to please everyone, doing the best to satisfy most people, or at least the important people, is generally advisable.

As for situations where portraying a troubled or troubling character is 'part of a story', it's important to think about one's own 'artistic integrity' in the context of the social world we live in. Where have your ideas about this character come from? Art can feel like magic sometimes, but treating it as an uncritiqueable sacred cow both cheapens its quality and lets creators get away with not challenging themselves or their beliefs. At the end of the day, it's not easy to strive for equality, but it's the right thing to do in so many ways - and that's why I support some forms of challenging media and art, and refuse to support others. Milo Yiannopoulos can get phuqued.

***

Thanks for returning to the nest. Leave a comment and say hi! I want to hear from you. Keep up with the new releases by getting on the mailing list. Buy my books on Amazon, and keep up with me on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and the original blog. This is the one and only SciFiMagpie, over and out!

[andrewdburton]

My $3500 Tiny House, Explained

Meet “Timothy”, the new tinyhouse-style conference room at MMM HQ.

One of the nicest new trends of recent years is really the revival and rebranding of something very old: the smaller dwelling.

Over the last few months, I have built just such a structure, and it has turned out to be a rather cool experience. In fact, I’m typing this article for you from within its productive new confines.

Technically, it’s just a fancy shed. But it is functioning as a freestanding office building, a sanctuary, and would even make a pretty fine little dwelling for one person, if you were to squeeze in the necessary plumbing. It’s a joyful place to spend time, and yet it only took a moderate amount of work and less than $3500 of cash to create it.

The experience has been so satisfying and empowering, that it has  reminded me how much we rich folk are overdoing the whole housing thing.

The latest and most distant Las Vegas Suburbs – still expanding (actual screenshot from Google Maps)

For decades, we have been cranking up household size and amenities in response to increasing productivity and wealth. In the 1940s, the typical US household had four people sharing 1000 square feet, or the equivalent of one large garage bay of space per person. Nowadays, new homes average around 2600 square feet and house only three people, which means each person floats around in almost triple the space. We have also started placing these dwellings in bigger expanses of blank grass and/or asphalt, which separate us further from the people and places we like to visit.

The funny part of all this is that we prioritize size over quality. Houses are sold by the square foot and the bedroom and the bathroom, rather than the more important things like how much daylight the windows let in or how well the spaces all fit together. And we settle for the shittiest of locations, buying houses so far from amenities that we depend on a 4000 pound motorized wheelchair just to go pick up a few salad ingredients.

Meanwhile, smaller houses and mobile and manufactured homes have continued to exist, but they have sprouted an undesireable stigma: those things are only for poor people, so if you can afford it you should get yourself a large, detached house.

My Tinyhouse Dreaming

Ever since my teenage years, I have dreamed of casual, communal living. 1992 still ranks as possibly the Best Summer Of My Life, because my brother and I lived a leisurely existence in the utopian garden-and-forest expanse of our Mom’s half acre backyard complete with swimming pool, fire pit, and pop-up tent trailer.

We lived at the center of small, historic town, with very little for teenagers to do in the summer besides find a way to get beer, and find somewhere to drink it so we could play cards and make jokes and if we were really lucky, find romance. And in these conditions, Mum’s backyard came to the rescue of our whole social group.

People would show up in the morning and just linger and come and go all day, swimming in the pool, grilling up lunches and dinners, playing cards at night or watching movies in the impromptu movie theater I had set up in the old detached garage. There were last-minute multi-person sleepovers every weekend. Leftover spicy bratwurst for breakfast cooked over an open fire in the morning. The fond memories from this early-nineties teen utopia live on in all of us*. So naturally, I have wanted to find ways to recreate that carefree feeling ever since.

According to people who actually study this stuff, the key to a really happy community and warmer friendships seems to be unplanned social interactions: you need to run into people unexpectedly every day, and then do fun stuff with them. To facilitate this, you need to live close enough together that you encounter one another when out for your morning stroll. Smaller, cheaper housing is the key to this, as well as a key to spending a lot less money on isolating yourself from potential new friends.

Weecasa resort (image credit Weecasa)

Need a few real-life examples? Right next to me in Lyons, Colorado, someone (I wish it were me!) thought up the idea of creating a resort out of tinyhouses called WeeCasa. Consuming less space than just the parking lot of a normal hotel, they have a beautiful and now highly popular enclave where the srooms rent for $150-$200+ per night.

Two friends of mine just bought a pair of adjoining renovated cabooses (cabeese?) in a Wisconsin beach town, with plans to create the same thing: a combination of a pleasant and walkable lifestyle with fewer material strings attached, and a stream of rental income when they’re not there.

Another friend built her own tiny house on a flat trailer platform, and has since gone on to live in a beautiful downtown neighborhood, both car-free and mortgage-free except for a small parking fee paid for stationing it in her friend’s back driveway. The monetary impact of making such a bold housing move for even a few years of your youth, is big enough to put you ahead for a lifetime.

Even my neighbourhood of “old-town Longmont” has recently inflated to the point of tiny starter home selling for $500k, for the same reason: people really want walkable, sociable places to live and house size is less important than location. While I’m in favor of this philosophy, I’m not in favor of anyone having to spend $500,000 for a shitty, uninsulated, unrenovated house. So we need a greater supply of smaller, closer dwellings to meet this higher demand.

But that’s all big picture stuff. The real story of this article is a small one – a single 120 square foot structure in the back of one of my own properties right here in downtown Longmont, CO. So let’s get down to it.

The Tinyhouse Conference Room

An interior view of our new workspace.

Nearing its one year anniversary, the “MMM-HQ” coworking space has been a lot of fun to run so far. It has been a mixture of quiet workdays, heavy workouts, evening events, and occasional classes and markets. (We have about 55 members and are looking for a few more, so if you happen to live in Longmont click the link above.)

But with only one big room as our indoor space, some members have felt the pinch of needing a quiet place to do longer conference calls or client meetings.  So the plan has always been to build a couple of new spaces, and at last I have one of them mostly finished. And I made a point of documenting the whole process so I could share any ideas and lessons learned with you.

What goes into a Tinyhouse?

As with any big construction project, I started with a spreadsheet of steps and materials.

Here’s the complete list of steps and materials. You can click for viewing or download an .ods version for tweaking.

To save time, I tried to think ahead and get everything in one order **- most lumber shops will do free or cheap delivery on large orders like this.  Of course, I ended up only partially successful and had to go back for missed objects, but I added those to my spreadsheet so your order can be more complete than mine.

At this point, it was just a matter of putting it all together, an effort which took me about 120 hours (three standard weeks) of work, spread out very casually over the past three months. Most of the work is standard house framing stuff, but just for fun we can step through it in rapidfire style right here.

The Super Simple Insulated Floor

Normally when building a small house, you’d dig a hole and pour a reinforced slab of concrete, as I did for the larger and fancier studio building at my main house. But in this case, the goal was fast, cheap and simple. So I just raked out a level patch of crushed gravel, compacted it with my rusty homemade welded compactor tool (“La Cruz”), and then started laying out pressure treated 2×6 lumber.

Here’s the 12×10 floor platform. Note the little support rails which allowed me to tightly fit in the foil-coated foam insulation between the joists. Most joints are done with simple 3.25″ galvanized framing nails, but I added Simpson corner brackets on the insides of the outermost joists for more strength.

Framing

Once I had those floor joists super square and level (hammering in stone shims under corners and joists as needed), I added a layer of standard 3/4″ OSB subfloor and nailed it down judiciously with the framing nailer to ensure a very rigid base. Then started to make the walls.

I used the floor as a convenient work platform for building the four walls. I built them flat and even added the 1/2″ exterior sheathing in advance, then tilted them up with the help of a friend or two. This method makes for heavier lifting but higher quality, because you get a perfectly straight and square wall almost guaranteed. Plus, it saves time because sheathing is a fussier job to do on an already-installed wall.

Once all four walls were set up and locked in place, I created the roof frame, which is really just a rather large wall. I did this on the ground, but had to compromise and skip the pre-sheathing step even though it would yield better quality, because we needed to keep it light enough to lift. If I had really strong friends or a telescoping forklift like real framing companies have, doing it all on the ground would have been a big win.

Framing and roofing.

A Metal Roof (of course)

I wanted a relatively flat-looking roof, so I cut wedge-shaped 2x4s and nailed them to the tops of the roof rafters before adding sheathing. This results in a slope of only 2%, but with a careful underlayment job and the seamless nature of metal roof sheets when compared to shingles, I have found it is nicely watertight. If in doubt, you can add more slope or use a rubber EPDM roof. The other advantages of metal: longer lifespan, lighter weight, and better protection from summer heat.

Insulation and Siding

Various wall layers revealed, insulation, lights, super frugal wood floor!

On top of those handy pre-sheathed walls,  I added 1″ foil-covered foamboard, then some stained cedar fenceboards to create the reddish exterior you see in these pictures. Although the cedar gets quite a few compliments, it was an experiment I wouldn’t repeat: the boards expand and contract in changing weather and leave visible gaps at times. Next time, I’ll use more wavy metal siding, or something prefinished with an interlocking tongue and groove profile.

Electrical was done exactly the same way you’d wire up a normal house, with outlets and switches in AC Romex-style wiring. But on a tinyhouse like this, you might choose to have it all terminate at a male outdoor receptacle on an exterior wall like an RV or camp trailer, so you can run the whole thing from a good extension cord.

Insulation was just basic batts in this case, but you can use spray foam for even better performance.  I drywalled everything using standard 1/2″ “lightrock” wallboard, hoping to keep the structure weight down in general, in case this thing ever needs to be moved with a forklift.

For lighting, I used these LED lights I found at Amazon at $4.20 per fixture.

The bare drywall stage – one of so much promise.

The Final Touches – Interior Trim, Furniture and Climate Control

At this stage in the construction story, I had something that looked like any other ready-to-finish example of modern house construction, and it was such a happy and familiar feeling. It’s a blank canvas but also a very solid one upon which you can create anything – an office, a bedroom, music studio, living room. Or if you’ve got the pipes for it, a kitchen or even a bathroom with a fancy shower.

Normally by this stage in building a house, you’ve spent at least $100 per square foot, so you can imagine the pleasantly Mustachian feeling I got when I arrived here at about $22.

So to keep the frugal trend going with the floor, I decided to try just smooth sanding the raw OSB with a good belt sander and clearcoating it with this really tough floor urethane. It came out looking pleasant, and is very durable and mud/gravel resistant. But I found the sanding was a slow process – throwing in a basic but attractive engineered wood floor at under $2 per square foot is probably a better idea next time at only slightly higher cost, unless you are building a big enough space to justify renting a real floor sander.

I made my own trim and window jambs by buying three 4×8 sheets of 3/4″ MDF and slicing them up on the table saw. Like the floor, this adds a bit of labor, but the benefit is you can get nice beefy trim in whatever dimensions you like (and even throw in some matching custom shelving and built-in cabinetry!) and save a couple hundred dollars per room.

The portable air conditioner occupies only one shelf.

For furniture, I picked out a mixture of stuff I already had, an Ikea desk frame from Craigslist, and a nifty chairside table from a local big box store.

Finally, I added some simple but effective climate control by just throwing a low cost portable AC from amazon up on the shelf (it vents through a 6″ hole I cut to the exterior). In the winter, I’ll just stash that little air conditioner somewhere and replace it with a silent oil-filled electric radiator for heat.

By plugging either of these machines into a wifi-controlled electrical outlet, I can even control the heating and cooling from anywhere using an app on my phone, as I already do for the various patio lights and ventilation fans I have in my life.

So do YOU want a Tiny House?

The real point of this article is just to share the idea that small structures can be very useful for many things. They are quicker and cheaper than creating a traditional house or building an addition onto one. They may allow you to have a guest house or home office or even an AirBnb rental in space that was formerly just a water-sucking part of your back lawn. Many cities allow you to place small things like this in your yard without requiring a building permit. And if you have the skills to build these things, you can even create an instantly profitable business cranking them out to satisfy the strong demand.

As for me, I’m hooked – later this year I’ll build a second one of these things here at MMM-HQ. And perhaps I’ll even get a chance to help someone build yet another in a tropical seaside location this winter, as part of my ongoing “Carpentourism” habit.

Happy downsizing!

—

*except my Mum, who still regrets letting so many teenagers run free and attract the ire of the older neighbors and occasionally the police department. Sorry Mom..  but also, thank you so much!

** I also took advantage of the large chunk of spending for a tiny bit of “travel hacking“, picking up an Amex Platinum card that gives me about $1000 of cash/travel credits only if I can spend $5000 within the first three months. For travel hackers, timing the acquisition of a new rewards card to coincide with a chunk of planned spending can be a useful way to squeeze the travel budget into an existing renovation budget.

    from Finance http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2018/06/30/tinyhouse/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[damonbation]

My $3500 Tiny House, Explained

Meet “Timothy”, the new tinyhouse-style conference room at MMM HQ.

One of the nicest new trends of recent years is really the revival and rebranding of something very old: the smaller dwelling.

Over the last few months, I have built just such a structure, and it has turned out to be a rather cool experience. In fact, I’m typing this article for you from within its productive new confines.

Technically, it’s just a fancy shed. But it is functioning as a freestanding office building, a sanctuary, and would even make a pretty fine little dwelling for one person, if you were to squeeze in the necessary plumbing. It’s a joyful place to spend time, and yet it only took a moderate amount of work and less than $3500 of cash to create it.

The experience has been so satisfying and empowering, that it has  reminded me how much we rich folk are overdoing the whole housing thing.

The latest and most distant Las Vegas Suburbs – still expanding (actual screenshot from Google Maps)

For decades, we have been cranking up household size and amenities in response to increasing productivity and wealth. In the 1940s, the typical US household had four people sharing 1000 square feet, or the equivalent of one large garage bay of space per person. Nowadays, new homes average around 2600 square feet and house only three people, which means each person floats around in almost triple the space. We have also started placing these dwellings in bigger expanses of blank grass and/or asphalt, which separate us further from the people and places we like to visit.

The funny part of all this is that we prioritize size over quality. Houses are sold by the square foot and the bedroom and the bathroom, rather than the more important things like how much daylight the windows let in or how well the spaces all fit together. And we settle for the shittiest of locations, buying houses so far from amenities that we depend on a 4000 pound motorized wheelchair just to go pick up a few salad ingredients.

Meanwhile, smaller houses and mobile and manufactured homes have continued to exist, but they have sprouted an undesireable stigma: those things are only for poor people, so if you can afford it you should get yourself a large, detached house.

My Tinyhouse Dreaming

Ever since my teenage years, I have dreamed of casual, communal living. 1992 still ranks as possibly the Best Summer Of My Life, because my brother and I lived a leisurely existence in the utopian garden-and-forest expanse of our Mom’s half acre backyard complete with swimming pool, fire pit, and pop-up tent trailer.

We lived at the center of small, historic town, with very little for teenagers to do in the summer besides find a way to get beer, and find somewhere to drink it so we could play cards and make jokes and if we were really lucky, find romance. And in these conditions, Mum’s backyard came to the rescue of our whole social group.

People would show up in the morning and just linger and come and go all day, swimming in the pool, grilling up lunches and dinners, playing cards at night or watching movies in the impromptu movie theater I had set up in the old detached garage. There were last-minute multi-person sleepovers every weekend. Leftover spicy bratwurst for breakfast cooked over an open fire in the morning. The fond memories from this early-nineties teen utopia live on in all of us*. So naturally, I have wanted to find ways to recreate that carefree feeling ever since.

According to people who actually study this stuff, the key to a really happy community and warmer friendships seems to be unplanned social interactions: you need to run into people unexpectedly every day, and then do fun stuff with them. To facilitate this, you need to live close enough together that you encounter one another when out for your morning stroll. Smaller, cheaper housing is the key to this, as well as a key to spending a lot less money on isolating yourself from potential new friends.

Weecasa resort (image credit Weecasa)

Need a few real-life examples? Right next to me in Lyons, Colorado, someone (I wish it were me!) thought up the idea of creating a resort out of tinyhouses called WeeCasa. Consuming less space than just the parking lot of a normal hotel, they have a beautiful and now highly popular enclave where the srooms rent for $150-$200+ per night.

Two friends of mine just bought a pair of adjoining renovated cabooses (cabeese?) in a Wisconsin beach town, with plans to create the same thing: a combination of a pleasant and walkable lifestyle with fewer material strings attached, and a stream of rental income when they’re not there.

Another friend built her own tiny house on a flat trailer platform, and has since gone on to live in a beautiful downtown neighborhood, both car-free and mortgage-free except for a small parking fee paid for stationing it in her friend’s back driveway. The monetary impact of making such a bold housing move for even a few years of your youth, is big enough to put you ahead for a lifetime.

Even my neighbourhood of “old-town Longmont” has recently inflated to the point of tiny starter home selling for $500k, for the same reason: people really want walkable, sociable places to live and house size is less important than location. While I’m in favor of this philosophy, I’m not in favor of anyone having to spend $500,000 for a shitty, uninsulated, unrenovated house. So we need a greater supply of smaller, closer dwellings to meet this higher demand.

But that’s all big picture stuff. The real story of this article is a small one – a single 120 square foot structure in the back of one of my own properties right here in downtown Longmont, CO. So let’s get down to it.

The Tinyhouse Conference Room

An interior view of our new workspace.

Nearing its one year anniversary, the “MMM-HQ” coworking space has been a lot of fun to run so far. It has been a mixture of quiet workdays, heavy workouts, evening events, and occasional classes and markets. (We have about 55 members and are looking for a few more, so if you happen to live in Longmont click the link above.)

But with only one big room as our indoor space, some members have felt the pinch of needing a quiet place to do longer conference calls or client meetings.  So the plan has always been to build a couple of new spaces, and at last I have one of them mostly finished. And I made a point of documenting the whole process so I could share any ideas and lessons learned with you.

What goes into a Tinyhouse?

As with any big construction project, I started with a spreadsheet of steps and materials.

Here’s the complete list of steps and materials. You can click for viewing or download an .ods version for tweaking.

To save time, I tried to think ahead and get everything in one order **- most lumber shops will do free or cheap delivery on large orders like this.  Of course, I ended up only partially successful and had to go back for missed objects, but I added those to my spreadsheet so your order can be more complete than mine.

At this point, it was just a matter of putting it all together, an effort which took me about 120 hours (three standard weeks) of work, spread out very casually over the past three months. Most of the work is standard house framing stuff, but just for fun we can step through it in rapidfire style right here.

The Super Simple Insulated Floor

Normally when building a small house, you’d dig a hole and pour a reinforced slab of concrete, as I did for the larger and fancier studio building at my main house. But in this case, the goal was fast, cheap and simple. So I just raked out a level patch of crushed gravel, compacted it with my rusty homemade welded compactor tool (“La Cruz”), and then started laying out pressure treated 2×6 lumber.

Here’s the 12×10 floor platform. Note the little support rails which allowed me to tightly fit in the foil-coated foam insulation between the joists. Most joints are done with simple 3.25″ galvanized framing nails, but I added Simpson corner brackets on the insides of the outermost joists for more strength.

Framing

Once I had those floor joists super square and level (hammering in stone shims under corners and joists as needed), I added a layer of standard 3/4″ OSB subfloor and nailed it down judiciously with the framing nailer to ensure a very rigid base. Then started to make the walls.

I used the floor as a convenient work platform for building the four walls. I built them flat and even added the 1/2″ exterior sheathing in advance, then tilted them up with the help of a friend or two. This method makes for heavier lifting but higher quality, because you get a perfectly straight and square wall almost guaranteed. Plus, it saves time because sheathing is a fussier job to do on an already-installed wall.

Once all four walls were set up and locked in place, I created the roof frame, which is really just a rather large wall. I did this on the ground, but had to compromise and skip the pre-sheathing step even though it would yield better quality, because we needed to keep it light enough to lift. If I had really strong friends or a telescoping forklift like real framing companies have, doing it all on the ground would have been a big win.

Framing and roofing.

A Metal Roof (of course)

I wanted a relatively flat-looking roof, so I cut wedge-shaped 2x4s and nailed them to the tops of the roof rafters before adding sheathing. This results in a slope of only 2%, but with a careful underlayment job and the seamless nature of metal roof sheets when compared to shingles, I have found it is nicely watertight. If in doubt, you can add more slope or use a rubber EPDM roof. The other advantages of metal: longer lifespan, lighter weight, and better protection from summer heat.

Insulation and Siding

Various wall layers revealed, insulation, lights, super frugal wood floor!

On top of those handy pre-sheathed walls,  I added 1″ foil-covered foamboard, then some stained cedar fenceboards to create the reddish exterior you see in these pictures. Although the cedar gets quite a few compliments, it was an experiment I wouldn’t repeat: the boards expand and contract in changing weather and leave visible gaps at times. Next time, I’ll use more wavy metal siding, or something prefinished with an interlocking tongue and groove profile.

Electrical was done exactly the same way you’d wire up a normal house, with outlets and switches in AC Romex-style wiring. But on a tinyhouse like this, you might choose to have it all terminate at a male outdoor receptacle on an exterior wall like an RV or camp trailer, so you can run the whole thing from a good extension cord.

Insulation was just basic batts in this case, but you can use spray foam for even better performance.  I drywalled everything using standard 1/2″ “lightrock” wallboard, hoping to keep the structure weight down in general, in case this thing ever needs to be moved with a forklift.

For lighting, I used these LED lights I found at Amazon at $4.20 per fixture.

The bare drywall stage – one of so much promise.

The Final Touches – Interior Trim, Furniture and Climate Control

At this stage in the construction story, I had something that looked like any other ready-to-finish example of modern house construction, and it was such a happy and familiar feeling. It’s a blank canvas but also a very solid one upon which you can create anything – an office, a bedroom, music studio, living room. Or if you’ve got the pipes for it, a kitchen or even a bathroom with a fancy shower.

Normally by this stage in building a house, you’ve spent at least $100 per square foot, so you can imagine the pleasantly Mustachian feeling I got when I arrived here at about $22.

So to keep the frugal trend going with the floor, I decided to try just smooth sanding the raw OSB with a good belt sander and clearcoating it with this really tough floor urethane. It came out looking pleasant, and is very durable and mud/gravel resistant. But I found the sanding was a slow process – throwing in a basic but attractive engineered wood floor at under $2 per square foot is probably a better idea next time at only slightly higher cost, unless you are building a big enough space to justify renting a real floor sander.

I made my own trim and window jambs by buying three 4×8 sheets of 3/4″ MDF and slicing them up on the table saw. Like the floor, this adds a bit of labor, but the benefit is you can get nice beefy trim in whatever dimensions you like (and even throw in some matching custom shelving and built-in cabinetry!) and save a couple hundred dollars per room.

The portable air conditioner occupies only one shelf.

For furniture, I picked out a mixture of stuff I already had, an Ikea desk frame from Craigslist, and a nifty chairside table from a local big box store.

Finally, I added some simple but effective climate control by just throwing a low cost portable AC from amazon up on the shelf (it vents through a 6″ hole I cut to the exterior). In the winter, I’ll just stash that little air conditioner somewhere and replace it with a silent oil-filled electric radiator for heat.

By plugging either of these machines into a wifi-controlled electrical outlet, I can even control the heating and cooling from anywhere using an app on my phone, as I already do for the various patio lights and ventilation fans I have in my life.

So do YOU want a Tiny House?

The real point of this article is just to share the idea that small structures can be very useful for many things. They are quicker and cheaper than creating a traditional house or building an addition onto one. They may allow you to have a guest house or home office or even an AirBnb rental in space that was formerly just a water-sucking part of your back lawn. Many cities allow you to place small things like this in your yard without requiring a building permit. And if you have the skills to build these things, you can even create an instantly profitable business cranking them out to satisfy the strong demand.

As for me, I’m hooked – later this year I’ll build a second one of these things here at MMM-HQ. And perhaps I’ll even get a chance to help someone build yet another in a tropical seaside location this winter, as part of my ongoing “Carpentourism” habit.

Happy downsizing!

—

*except my Mum, who still regrets letting so many teenagers run free and attract the ire of the older neighbors and occasionally the police department. Sorry Mom..  but also, thank you so much!

** I also took advantage of the large chunk of spending for a tiny bit of “travel hacking“, picking up an Amex Platinum card that gives me about $1000 of cash/travel credits only if I can spend $5000 within the first three months. For travel hackers, timing the acquisition of a new rewards card to coincide with a chunk of planned spending can be a useful way to squeeze the travel budget into an existing renovation budget.

    from Money 101 http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2018/06/30/tinyhouse/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[2centsofsilver]

7/16/17

Major Realizations While High Last Night- Dear Self, You were given the unique opportunity to experience the journey of life for itself; an experimental journey. That’s the intended product in itself. You are on an incessantly driven back-stage path, seeking something you’ve been constantly unable to attain through reaching out to people - both new and old - both friends and professionals, trained to love, trained to help - You have ‘fucked up’ countless friendships just by needing help during times of crises. A close friend recently suggested how fucked up that is in itself- ‘Why is Katie still not getting the help she’s seeking?’ She referenced the Catch 22: Having crisis, reach out to friend for help, too much dependence on friend, friend backs off, this worries Katie, Katie fears abandonment, now Katie is worrying, on top of original crisis, making desperate attempts to save a friendship or relationship, or just digging a very deep hole by constantly trying to ‘fix’ situations that may or may not have happened yet or ended negatively. Now that Katie is working triple time on getting through her crisis, seeking help for her crisis, and desperately trying to save a crumbling friendship, the friend keeps straying, and Katie keeps reaching out for help, still not getting help for original crisis, getting worse and worse, severely depressed and anxious saving a friendship just because she needed emotional support to begin with. She suddenly is conquering multiple heavy battles at once, followed by the inevitable loss of either a very good solid friend, or a potentially good friend, who Katie trusted. While high, you had the unique opportunity to evaluate yourself with precise clarity. For a moment on the kayak in the middle of the lake at night, you sat back and wondered, “What am I seeking exactly?” This was met with very deep and comprehensive internal dialogue between high self, real self, deep self, surface level self, sane self, insane self, etc. You came to the consensus that what you’re seeking is a space needing to be filled: a gratification in some way, but of what? A void, emptiness, hole of isolation needing to be filled, loved, or satisfied. What would/does that satisfaction involve or include? What would qualify, assuming you got it? -Physical contact: A touch, basic hug from a friend, sex, massage, holding of the hand when scared, a pat on the back for doing a good job, physical reassurance, the idea of a friend actually ‘rescuing’ you during an emotional breakdown by holding/soothing you actually happening in real life- actually coming true, not just something you envision and wish for, reinforced by the constant ongoing lack thereof -Real life or written, deep conversation with a close friend (or any person who you feel connected to emotionally; someone you feel similar to or who you can trust); a conversation touching on heavy topics such as purpose of life, fear of death, how to be a person, how to function in society, and verbal reassurance that things will be okay, that you’re okay -People/friends who won’t (don’t want to and have no intentions of) leaving you. Not because you’re desperate and holding on, but because they actually want to get to  know everything you are. A closeness that forms and remains. A reciprocal relationship. Someone willing to commit to kindness and acceptance of you as someone who struggles sometimes with life, especially the social aspects of life. Someone who sees the good in you for MORE than your depression, more than your anxiety, more than your mental health disorders. They see your interests, your passions, your desire to help others in every way you can, your desire to make a true difference in this world and fight for social justice every waking hour, an artist who cares about people and life and abstract concepts and potential, a friend willing to be there for anyone and offer shared support. -Proof that dreams come true and goals can be attained. Seeing progress to foster motivation to keep going. Examples: Fitness/nutrition for the weightloss dream, conquering social phobia, becoming a published author, teaching at the front of a room, dancing, biking, jogging, kayaking, finding and being the TRUE you shamelessly and confidently, swirling in the sunlight like a gypsy with a free soul and spirit. You want proof in some way that you are capable of attaining these things. If you see it working and others are helping you, you are more inclined to continue. -External pride from friends and family; the validation that you are a good person trying hard in this world and conquering obstacles day in and day out. Just someone saying “I’m really proud of you,” means the world. It feels good. The reassurance that you are meeting expectations and doing ok according to… according to what? (Hmm.) This leads me onto the big thoughts and realizations on the lake… I thought to myself, “What are you seeking, Katie?” met with “Gratification” met with “Instant Gratification,” followed by an interesting question I’ve never asked myself before: “Why instant? Why does that gratification need to come immediately?”  This led me down a new train of thoughts involving life as an experience, not a final result I’m trying to get to asap. It led me to thoughts involving friendships taking time to develop. It led me to thoughts on letting go of the fear of abandonment, and instead, letting in the possibility of people really liking you for who you are, mental disorder or no mental disorder. It led me toward an internal battle though, about whether I should continue to expose my mental disorders to people at all, or hide them, in an effort for people to see other parts of me and want to know me because they think those other parts of me are cool and worth it (because I think they are). But the battle is… me firmly believing in reduction of mental health stigma/marginalization, etc. in my passion and line of social work, that fight for justice and understanding and education of mental health, normalizing dialogue, and promoting awareness of diversity. So I don’t actually believe in hiding them and encourage others to open up if they’re comfortable doing so. In other words, I would be betraying what I strongly believe and am working toward for others. Additionally, I argued in my head that good true friends should love me no matter what and that I shouldn’t need to hide my mental health struggles in efforts to make or keep friends. I personally don’t really trust people who say they’ve never experienced anxiety or can’t relate to mental health disorders in any capacity, whether from personal experience or just a core/basic understanding of its common existence. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that. They are rare, but I’ve encountered them. I’m never comfortable and it doesn’t end up working out. So why would I want to conform to someone I personally wouldn’t seek out in a friend? In my head I battled various voices of all the different parts of me mixed with my conscience, which has always sort of stood alone, but been there for me it seems. Bickering thoughts such as, “Just stop opening up to people. No one wants to hear about it. No one appreciates you being so needy. No one actually likes you and you’re a huge failure at life. But you have to be yourself! People will and can like you with or without mental illness. But you also have so many other parts of you. Expose those parts and only those parts. Don’t let anyone see your mental illness ever, especially when you move. You have to make friends. You need to, you want to. BUT THE PROBLEM IS: You fucking STRUGGLE making friends BECAUSE you have social anxiety disorder and depression. These struggles are embedded into your day to day life, choices, behaviors, cognitive processes, social exchanges, goals, and identity searching. Your problems aren’t YOU, but they are a part of you, so zipping your lips and forcing yourself to not show them is not only impossible, but also sheer misery; a real kind of hell, thus fostering continued awful depression.  This entire thought process was happening simultaneously next to me being high on a kayak in the middle of a dark lake at night with 2 new, amazing friends. I kept drifting away and battling poor inhibition control in being able to filter my speech. This is how I described it to G. I woke up in an extremely comfortable bed overlooking the lake and I was subtly crying soft tears.  9:14am “I had a million life realizations and moments when high that made me happy, but I woke up teary eyed and still am. I’m borderline crying if I let myself right now. Life is so hard every single day all day. It’s too hard. Being high, life isn’t hard, it’s easy. People are nice to you and take care of you. And they make sure you’re okay. And if you’re not and you open your mouth and say something neither of you judged me or left. Whereas I’m constantly fucking up everything in my daily life with my friends. Whenever I open my mouth I ruin everything with everyone. No one likes me or wants anything to do with me, but when I was high I felt like it was ok if I was sad or scared and could voice it and it was met with a positive response. That just doesn’t happen in my normal life ever.All I do is annoy everyone and they constantly leave. And it’s also just hard, like life is hard. Like why should I be struggling so much in normal life when I can just glide? It was peaceful on the lake. A happiness I’ve never experienced. Didn’t know it could be that good, and since it can, can’t I just do this all the time to experience the ease and appreciation for it? Like what would really be wrong with that? The only thing is I could easily mess up when high because I found it EXTREMELY hard to hold everything in. I really wanted to just pour everything out but you guys would have thought I was crazy like everyone else in waking life. I felt like I was in heaven and Ferris reminded me of Sunshine. And I felt like even if I died it would be ok since last night I slipped away and things were ok. But now I’m back and it’s too hard. If there’s a way to achieve that level of peace and bliss in regular life, I want in. But I don’t know how to attain that? Is it really a bad problem to have…? Like I get that society says it is and we aren’t supposed to be high all the time, but can’t we just convert the world to be easy like this? Like why aren’t we allowed to. Why are we forced to legit suffer. If life has potential to be easy then why are we like forced to put ourselves through misery day in and day out? I wouldn’t be able to be productive though or even want to be. Like I’m just talking we glide through life without all the stupid shit we have to do. Like why are we expected to do so much shit? I don’t want to go to U of M anymore, I sorta just want to do this. I’m worried I now will want to all the time.” I then went to a fun dog show with G and when I drove back to Kzoo I had more realizations and messaged them to her at 5:17pm. “I feel like I need to be high all the time. Cried on the way home slightly, so many realizations. Like freaking out bad about Ann Arbor and life and friends.” G: “It will be alright. And you shouldn’t. I think if you had done more you might have had more of a panic attack. You were getting kind of melancholy. I can see how you could easily go into panic attack territory if you were with the wrong people.”  Me: “Yeah, I actually was thinking about and analyzing this the entire drive home. It’s just so interesting. I’m curious how I seemed to you guys like how I came off? Was I melancholy more than just towards the end talking about L? I remember that.  The people I did it with in the past I believe were in it for themselves and pissed when they realized it wasn’t gonna be a good time. And didn’t know how to calm me the hell down besides telling me to knock it off which made it worse. I really appreciated and enjoyed doing it with you and J. Like I felt really safe and protected. Like what was I doing and how did I seem? Really really curious if it was how I actually felt. Because I was holding a lot in. It was really interesting, a constant struggle actually. Like I really want to try and explain this to either you or J if you’re open to it, but I don’t want to be annoying.” G: “You seemed slightly on edge for parts of it, but not too bad. Also the only ‘weird’ things you were doing were asking if you were being weird haha, everything else was all in your head :)” Me: “What do you mean by on edge? :Lmao. That’s funny. I kept feeling like I was about to annoy people even if I attempted to speak.” G: “Like on the edge of starting to panic. I know what you mean. The worst part about that is worrying too much about being annoying ends up being more annoying than just talking haha. I have totally been there.” Me: “But I had no control/ability to not want to say things. Like I kept having really fucking strong ass urges to talk a LOT. But I kept telling myself, ‘If you do that, you will lose friends because no one wants to hear about the shit you have to say or they’ll think you’re worth less’ and every single time I had something to say/wanted to say something.. it was something driven by panic. Like every single time and it was a constant need to talk. And I’m shocked that I was able to completely zip my lips and not let myself talk because that is so hard to do when I’m high. But I knew the type of things I’d start doing and saying. I have a tendency to always vocalize how I’m feeling about shit and I really wanted to vocalize things happening in my head or all around me or what I was scared ofbecause I totally was scared. But anytime I started talking, I immediately sounded like I was someone no one would ever want anything to do with. And time felt off, like really strange. So I had no idea how long I’d been talking about or thinking about any one thing. And I also didn’t know what I was doing a lot of the time. Like I felt aware, but also felt dead? Or completely out of it? So I was never sure what I was doing and was scared I’d intentionally go drown myselfbecause I accidentally didn’t know what the hell was happening.  So if I opened my mouth to talk about something, I had no idea if you wanted to even hear about it, how long I’d been talking about it, whether I was decreasing the chances of holding you as friends, because I wasn’t sure if I’d been doing it for hours or a normal amount of time or not at all. And in my head I just kept 

Continue quoting Talk ABOUT night & being accepted. Simultaneously happening next to me drifting Zipping lips Back to point: seeking What you seek is seeking you.