#i want to talk and rant without feeling like im making the world's worst apology video KJFDHKG i dont like having so many eyes on me

[peachade]

Writing Asks

thank u to sarah @soldouthaz, lily @theisolatedlily and late @tomlinvelvetfics for tagging me !!

1. describe how you first started writing and when you first posted

started in eighth grade after moving which fucked me up (i’m still to recover lmao) n i needed a distraction, reading had always helped but writing is what let me see what the root of my agony was. (im not trying to be pretentious i swear) i first started on wattpad (love hate relationship to this day) and beginning of lockdown this year gravitated to ao3 which has been my saving grace !!!

2. which of your characters do you typically resonate most closely with? do you base any characters off of yourself?

so far i’ve mostly written in louis’ pov. i’ve had to ask this question in the early stages — i resonate the closest to harry. most of my wips are harry centric for that reason. i mean, yes and no — i tend to take some part of me and fit it into the character but at the same time i don’t like seeing me on a page so yes and no.

3. where do you often find inspiration?

EVERYWHERE. mostly others’ stories be it in the way of songs, music, writing, art. usually it’s me coming across a vaguely aesthetic picture and my brain spitting out one or two random scenes and me trying to make that a story.

4. has quarantine helped or hindered your writing process?

both !!! i have new wips but also i lost a lot of motivation to do anything for a bit. school is sucking the soul out of me — it’s both easier and harder with it being online, the worst part is i can never truly feel like i’m getting a break from it. recently it’s been easier for me bc of the friends i made (ily all) it’s hindered a little bit bc i can’t go out and watch people and streetlights and the blur of cars and try to pour out that feeling into words and create something. at the same time it’s helped me gain more perspective on people and relationships which has been a massive help to writing in general.

5. do you listen to music/noise while you write or do you prefer silence?

depending on the number of classes i have/attend, my mental stability, the story and my sensitivity. i often can’t stand loud noises so there’s that but there is always some noise or the other so it’s never truly silent. i like it that way. sometimes i just play intense studying playlist on spotify and write, Lucida by Odin Sørlie and Haunted Heart by Dawn, Dawn, Dawn are my favourites.

6. what is your biggest writing pet peeve in your writing or in general?

excessive usage of the same word in mine. in general, i’m not a fan of stereotypical characters or romanticising harmful themes.

7. describe your ideal writing setup

2 am, in bed, music still ringing in my ears, three texts from my best friend about a story or about their day. under the blanket, the room smelling of chocolate or something sweet.

8. favorite time of day to write?

anytime but afternoon. those hours are for naps.

9. favorite genre to write + one you’d like to try writing in the future?

fiction? i’d love to write a fantasy au 👀

10. do you struggle with writer’s block? how do you typically overcome it?

yep yep. i just edit an old story or read my old works or other writers’ fics. i gave up trying to force myself into writing — i hated the end product and felt bad so.

11. what is the easiest part of your writing process and the most difficult?

probably the emotions? dialogue without a doubt — i dread writing it. it doesn’t come to me naturally. i can write lengths without dialogue tbh. also smut — it’s an eh eh aspect.

12. how do you come up with original characters? (if applicable)

my wonderful friends. they do dumb shit and i want to tell the world about their dumb shit so i make characters out of them.

13. what is your favorite and least favorite word?

as of now it is fucker — delightful word that one. least favourite is probably squelch — just no.

14. what is one thing about your writing that you’re really proud of and one thing you hope to continue working at?

the dreamy feeling i manage to write without a doubt !!!! dialogue and pacing. i don’t have the best dialogue or the pacing or the length for fics but i’m working on all of those !!

15. what work of yours has your favorite ‘verse/world building? how did you come up with it?

still a wip so i can’t tell you much except that it’s a proper treat. will write this once i’ve posted that fic !!

16. what font and size do you write in? single spaced or double?

*nervous laughter* the font changes from fic to fic — crush is comic sans, size 11. October was Lora, 11. Twisted in bedsheets is courier new, 11. stargazing is spectral, 11. so yeah — whatever the fic demands. single spaced !!!! except when i’m overwhelmed i do double spaces.

17. what is a typo(s) you find yourself making consistently?

I Cannot Type. if you think i can — congratulations you were fooled. autocorrect is the loml.

18. (if applicable) do you separate fic writing from fandom?

of course !!!! i basically do not exist out of my writing.

19. what emotion is your favorite to write? which is the most difficult?

pain, pining, longing. lust.

20. what is one thing you hope readers always take away from your works?

we’re all fucked up but we’re trying and trying sometimes is enough. you shouldn’t spend your life carved out around one person. it’s okay to ask for help and need a shoulder to lean on. i hope these come across in my future fics !!!!

21. what is the best and worst writing advice you’ve ever received?

bold of you to assume i’ve ever received advice.

22. which one of your works would you most want to see turned into a film/television show?

a new fic. will update the answer once that fic is out !!!!!

23. do you write scenes chronologically or out of order?

chronologically. i can’t do out of order. i do have a page full of scribbles but they are to tell me the order sjakmd.

24. how do you handle criticism?

if it’s constructive then well. no thick skin tbh. makes me feel as if i need validation from someone else on my art which isn’t necessary but my brain is wired to seek it and it’s a hassle.

25. what is the advice you would give to someone who is looking to start writing?

write everything you would want to read. write it bad, don’t worry about the quality. don’t worry about the audience. end of the day, it should be something you can turn to for comfort not something that makes you feel bad.

26. what kind of feedback on your work always makes your day?

people telling me they like my writing and it could take them out of this world for a few minutes !!!!!

27. which fic ‘verse of your own would you most like to exist in? which fic’s characters would you most like to befriend?

probably crush verse !!!! harry — his is probably the one character where i dump most of me in.

28. what do you always enjoy getting asks about/wish people would ask about more?

rant to me about anything. i enjoy talking. ask me about wips so i can take the little guilt and write more.

29. what has writing added to your life? how has it changed you?

it’s nice to let go and express things and create characters with a better situation than mine.

30. why do you write?

keep myself busy.

boost yourself + tags

1a. share the last sentence you wrote

No kissing. No flashbacks.

2a. describe the wip you’re most excited about

a little something i’m writing inspired by @brickredtoe’s art !!!!

3a. share the piece of dialogue from one of your works you’re most proud of

ok. well. from 5436 miles

“Or we could always add a trail of stars to one of those moons,” he replies, words dragged out, rolling around in his mouth.

He can see the glint in his eyes even behind his closed lids. Everything about Louis is inked and etched into every fiber of his being.

He would’ve kissed him, words pouring from his mouth into Harry’s, only half his.

He snorts. “And make it seem like the moon has a buttplug? No, thanks.”

4a. share the best first and last lines from your work(s)

both my published fics have circular endings.

5436 miles — Louis always had more stars in his eyes.

these tornadoes are for you — His heart beats in peace.

5a. link to the last fic you read.

sugary sweet by the immensely talented @soldouthaz

6a. link the last work you published

here

7a. link to your ao3 (if applicable)

wheeee

8a. someone that inspires you

taylor. she’s so so wonderful.

9a. a comfort fic/work that you’ve been grateful for this year

all of riv, sarah, ris and late’s fics. they’ve been so so comforting. Event Horizon by @mercurial-madhouse

10a. other writers that you’d like to tag!

@mercurial-madhouse @harryanthus are the only ones coming to mind atm. i’ve been up for too long apologies.

[peach-pops]

anti-ships with my mutuals

there’s this fun trend going around where people will tag their mutuals and ship them with a character from hq/bnha and as sweet as it is, i decided to put a twist on it. i want to pair my mutuals with a hq boy (maybe bnha later if any of my mutuals wanna have one)that would be the most toxic combination/not mesh well with.

 this is all in good fun so dont come for me and if i tag you, don’t be shy, i wanna know who you think you wouldn’t mesh well with as well as your own mutuals ( im self centered so this is an invitation to do one for me whether it’s a real ship or a anti-ship ) 

@icejins & oikawa

 it pains me to write this cause the energy you two would have together could take down the whole world. you both are two confident baddies who know they’re cute but after a while, it would lowkey start to feel like you’re competing over things and one upping each other instead of supporting the other person. god, he’d give you the worst advice over things and if he tries to rant to you, i think your bluntness will just make him feel like you’re trying to be mean (hes the type where he needs to have things a bit sugarcoated sometimes) i don’t think ur the type to just be patient and willingly let volleyball be a priority over you like HUH? SOMETHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAT ME? TF IS THIS BULLSHIT - and i don’t mean you’re priority #2 like i think you’d fall around 4 maybe 5 like jeez thanks. i think you would say it doesn’t bother you but what’s the point in being in a relationship when he hardly makes time for you and it’s clear to him and you that volleyball will always be his first love. you have your own shit to do and focus on, imagine you don’t show up to one of his games and he makes you feel bad (what if you don’t feel bad? he’d be so hurt)  you’re pretty as hell and he’d just make you feel like arm candy - does he even know your favorite song? what makes you upset? hell, ask him what color your eyes are and this fool will have a stroke trying to remember. i also envision you two to be the type where if he pisses you off and you give him the silent treatment, he’s not gonna put his pride aside and apologize to you first and you’re stubborn in your ways so you’re not gonna give and it’ll go downhill from there. PLUS two bad knees doesn’t equal one good relationship, yall are already off on the wrong foot ha. if i can be even more honest, your ideal relationship with oikawa is like him being an older sibling where you both can check each other on yalls shit while still caring about one another. 

@kirislut & terushima 

look, this was hard cause ill ship you with anyone and it fits but terushima? you’re not into jerky guys, especially the ones who don’t take no for an answer. in all honesty, i dont even see how you two would ever start dating. he’s cute and you’ll give him that and sure, you love confident guys but there’s something about terushima that is cocky yet so unmotivating at the same time. you have your dreams and ambitions but he doesn’t really have a plan. it’s okay to not know what you want to do but you need someone who is motivated with goals and terushima could care less about the future, he lives in the now. you make him insecure - you’re accomplishing so much and instead of feeling like he’s dragging you down, he feels like you’re purposefully trying to leave him behind to rub it in his face. also again, we don’t know too much about terushima except that he’s a very spontaneous guy with a tongue piercing (jesus ur parents would have a field day with him). 

@goopyartiste & tsukishima

oh god this feels like an emotionally abusive relationship- you’re very sensitive, this isn’t news to anyone who knows you. tsuki is kinda a jerk and as much as i loved his character development, it doesn’t stray from the fact that he isn’t an emotionally available person- at least not enough to date you specifically. if you had a bad day and he doesn’t give you the amount of attention or doesn’t give helpful advice, you would take it to heart and 9/10 times would cause a tsunami of tears. and again, these aren’t necessarily bad traits but in a relationship if you’re clingy with him, he’s going to respond negatively- his relationship with yamaguchi would be the exact way he would treat you so you can’t expect special attention. he’ll introduce you as his friend and you’d be too shy to correct him - it feels like the whole relationship will just be you apologizing for tsuki’s words and actions to others and as much as i love you, you wouldn’t have a strong enough voice against him and his “jerkish” tendencies. HES LIKE IF YOU DATED UR PARENTS DFGHJK IM SORRY BUT THEY’RE SO MEAN! you need someone who would be emotionally/physically available for you 24/7 and someone who isn’t afraid to truly love you. get out while you can girl, go! for your mental sanity please. 

@shoutamajiki & bokuto

 i dont think this combo would be toxic but its REALLY hard for me to picture this in my head??? i know you can be silly sometimes nana but you’re pretty serious and your paths in life are just so different. hes so extroverted and you like to be a lil more reserved so someone is bound to be out of their comfort zone. you can be very patient with people but i think it would be tiring to date bokuto knowing you would have to be the emotionally stable one between the two of you. he’s so sweet and he’s genuinely a good person but you need a partner where they aren’t so dependent on you- someone who it’s okay if you guys don’t talk all day and then when you two do see each other, you just pick up where you left off. you’re not one to be tied down and be available 24/7 and he needs someone who he can feel secure with without feeling insecure himself. so this one again isn’t toxic but i cant imagine yall kissing or anything so dont come for me 

[gale-gentlepenguin]

hello!!! im sosososo sorry for asking i feel like this will be an annoyance,, but if you were to write the ultimate fix it fic for the entirety of ml, where would you start, or what would be a list of things you'd fix? im sorry sweetheart!

(No need to apologize I am happy for the ask)

I have been thinking about this idea a lot. Which episodes to fix, which ones to change, which ones to remove.

There is only one major change that needs to be implemented to fix 95% of ML is the change on the show’s perspective.

(This is gonna be a bit of a confusing rant and filled with Salt. but please bear with it)

Marinette is the main character of the show. She is a great protagonist. So naturally we see the world through her view most of the time.

All of her interactions, all of her opinions of other are what we as the vie viewer see. We only get to see the interactions of characters without Marinette present in 4 situations. 1st. when it is to set up an akuma. 2nd, an interaction of characters that Marinette is aware of happening in some capacity. 3rd. Developing a bit in regards to the plot or lore. 4th, Showing Adrien being sad because daddy is being an a**hole, talking about Ladybug or some minor establishing shot. I call this the Sprinkles of Adrien.

Now none of this is Marinette’s fault. It is fine for Marinette to be the star, fine for her to learn lessons, fine for her to make mistakes. It makes her all the more endearing, but it also puts unnecessary stress and development on her when it is not needed. This is on the writers. 

Adrien’s “Perfect” because Marinette sees him as such. It is awful because when you view someone as such. it means that you don’t believe they need to change.

This perspective the show gives makes it difficult for Adrien as a character to develop, because we rarely see Adrien’s reasoning and view on matters, which can make him come off even worse then he is.

He is either a side character written as a main character, or a main character written as a side character.

What makes this worse is that there are some occasions when we do get Adrien’s view we can see his flaws that would be great if they get addressed so he could get improved and be a better character. He is not a bad character, but the way that he is always put in the right regardless of the situation justifiably pisses people off.

Then there is chat noir, who does get called out more and shown as flawed, but the call outs are minimal and no where near enough. It is almost like Adrien and Chat noir are written as two different characters when they are the same person.

Now this only gets worse when you take into account the lore. The lore has the cat and Ladybug miraculous as this Yin and Yang symbolism. So the key here is balance. This puts the narrative in direct conflict with the core lore.

The show would be better if one of two things were done. The first option and my preferred is to have Adrien be the second main character with Episodes that center around him more (Solely around him. Like the ones that Marinette has.) and have him learn lessons from Marinette/ Ladybug. This would also help show how Good they Both are for each other. This give Marinette a break and allows development to demonstrate her giving good advice and lessons, like good partners do.

The second is simply cut his perspective out and make him a side character. Let Marinette’s be the only perspective, cut out all of the Adrien bits that aren’t necessary and Make Ladybug the only important figure. This would allow for an air of mystery about the other half. Ensure there is only one main perspective,  Adrien/ chat noir gets revealed more and more as Marinette learns.

I love Adrien’s character but hate how he is written at times. Saying he is perfect is bad for the show and bad for his character. Especially when his flaws are apparent. Saying he is perfect when his flaws are known is like saying there is no chance he will grow, which is one of the worst things that can be done to a character in a meta perspective.

This is the reason people ship Lukanette so much. Sure Luka is … (I don’t want this to be about my salt over this ship, so I will not say my list of complaints). Luka is demonstrated to Like Marinette, and supports her. He even had his akumatization be because she was getting harassed by that jerk music producing hack. (Which also helps to make Luka look even better). We only see Luka through Marinette’s perspective, so of course he is seen as perfect as well. The difference is that we don’t see any flaws that could use improvement and he is not as prominent so there is no anger that we have yet to see the negative. We don’t see how he acts outside of Marinette’s view. He could (this an extreme example and I do not believe this) be a guy who kicks puppies or he could be a guy or that volunteers at a soup kitchen (This one is likely true), both could be possible but these facts are outside the realm of understanding because we don’t know any more then Marinette does.

With Adrien, We do know more, we know because we get his thoughts and actions outside of Marinette’s view. And the Narrative takes his side in being in the right, or at least not being in the wrong as much as he should. (Copy cat showed him in the wrong, but he was not punished over it) while inversely (The chameleon has him in the right even though his advice is wrong.) 

The perspective and Narrative needs to put a more balanced view, have Adrien learn lessons, it will only help the love square in the long run.

Heck, if you want Adrien to teach Marinette lessons, then Have Ladybug teach chat noir lessons. Maybe inverse it, keep this balanced.

Fix the perspective and everything will fall into balance

[endless-array-of-tom]

Nightmares [loki oneshot]

Pairing: Loki x Reader; Loki x family (angst)

Genre: MAJOR FLUFF AND ANGST

Word Count: Around 2,000 words?

Warning: Starts off with some major angst stuff... I warned you

A/N: I’m off hiatus for a bit, and decided that I would be attempting to continue series and finish up/publish the requests that I got from a lot of people. I apologize for being on hiatus for so long, honestly I wasn’t expecting to be out this long. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the requested oneshot!

Summary: Loki has a nightmare, and goes to the reader to comfort him.

     Loki’s gaze wandered to the fields of flowers, staring at the weeping willow by the small shimmering lake. Seeing the small figures playing around, his eyes glimmered. Running through the grassy fields, his arms extended forward.

     “Mom! Thor! Odin!” Loki yelled, his pace began to quicken as they turned their heads. A sudden rumbling made Loki’s eyes widen, he gazed at his family.

     “Run! Go!” Loki screamed, his family only smiled and turned, unaware of what was going on around them. The ground shook again, knocking Loki off of his feet. He attempted to stand again, but the quaking of the ground underneath him was too strong. Tears pricked Loki’s eyes as he crawled, his family only a few yards from him.

     The world split into two. The giant hole was right behind his family, their panicked expressions made Loki’s stomach turn.

     His father was the first to fall. Loki clenched his jaw tightly, slowly attempting to stand up. He didn’t know why there was a small feeling of regret when his father fell, but he wasn’t as important to him as the two others-- who seemed too horrified to move. His knees were buckling beneath him--but he ignored his aching body.

     His brother and mother began to lose their balance. Loki’s vision was soon clouded, as his breaths began to come uneasy. Leaping outward, he grabbed his mother’s and brother’s hand as they began to fall, holding them as his life depended on it. The veins in his arms popped instantly, a rush of adrenaline coursing through his body as he stared at them.

     “I can’t go…” his brother muttered,“... not like this.” Loki’s arms were trembling, his body slowly starting to slip into the hole. Loki’s mother, Frigga, gazed at him, tears forming in her eyes.

     “Honey. Let us go.” Loki shook his head furiously, biting his lower lip. He soon tasted a metallic fluid but refused to think about anything else.

     “I-I c-can’t,” Loki croaked out. “I’ll lose you. I’ll save you. I can do it.” Loki’s arms burned; his whole body began to feel like it was set ablaze. He couldn’t lose them. They were all he had left in this cruel world-- as much as he refused to believe it, pushing them away every chance he got. The truth was now revealed in the worst case scenario. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut.

     “Look at me, brother.” His brother rasped, Loki complied. The first thing he saw was his brother’s icy blue eyes, and how they were filled with sorrow. Loki’s never saw that look on his brother’s face.

     They were always filled with hope.

     Joy...

     Happiness...

     Faith...

     “Loki…” his brother trailed on. “I want you to know… that I love you. I really do. I want you to know that--no matter what, I’ll still keep my promise to you. I’ll watch over you, I’ll protect you. But I need you to be strong.” Loki began to wail, he didn’t want to hear the ending, he shook his head frantically.

     “No. Don’t finish it. I don’t want to hear-”

     “Loki. I want you, to let us go. Live your life that you dreamed of Loki, you think I didn’t see the journals you secretly kept in your chambers?

     “Do what you want Loki. Mother, father, and I--we’ll watch over you from above. And when the time is right--we’ll become a family again. But that won’t happen for a very long time.” Loki stared at his brother’s eyes, seeing the small tears drip down.

     His brother didn’t cry. Because he was strong… so the fact that he was now…

     “Loki, sweetie.” His mother interjected, she brought her other hand up to touch his cheek, Loki tilted his head to her hand, feeling the warmth emitting from it. Tears brimmed from the corners of his eyes.

     “You’ll do great things, never forget that. No matter what anyone says, what anyone might do--you trust your own instincts. We’ll be beside you through your journey, and we’ll help you guide you to your happy ending.

     “I love you, my son. But it’s time for your family to go.” Her grip on his hand began to loosen, Loki panicked.

     “NO! You can’t do this to me! I don’t want you to leave! Don’t leave me! I’ll be able to help! We’ll all be safe-”

     “Loki. Ever since you were little, you despised the word ‘goodbye’, so let’s just say we’ll see you later. Far from now. But we’ll see you eventually. Remember that.” His brother said, loosening his grip as well. Loki’s eyes flooded with tears, tightening his grip on their wrists.

     “You’re not leaving me alone! I can’t be alone! I-I-I won’t be able to h-handle it. Who’s going to teach me to do things? Tell me to take risks? Who am I supposed to look to when I-I’m vulnerable. I-I can’t do this. I want to come with you.” Loki blurted.

     “You’ll do remarkable things without us. Good people who care for you will guide you--and you’ll have great allies along the way. Trust me, Loki.” His mother said reassuringly. Her grip loosened more. “I love you.” His brother’s grip loosened as well.

     “Do well, little brother. Remember--there’s nothing you can’t accomplish.”

     Loki’s mind went blank. The ringing in his ears multiplied, uncontrollably shaking.

     They were gone.

     Loki gasped, jolting from his position in the bed. He grabbed an old mirror; his tear-stained face was disgusting. He looked at the mirror again, seeing the little boy with onyx bangs covering his eyes, his smile brighter than the sun itself. And beside him, were his two parents and elder brother, holding hands with one another. He threw the mirror across the room, hearing it shatter against the wall. He grabbed his tunic, squeezing it tightly.

     He couldn’t breathe.

     His hair stuck to his forehead, he scoffed. He hated his onyx hair. It reminded him too much of them. He checked the time, realizing that he wouldn’t be able to get any shut-eye before his day began.

     His feet moved on their own. Making their way off into the bathroom sink, he twisted the handle, watching the water pour into the drain. He cupped his hands, letting the water fill them--the cold temperature making him feel more empty. He brought the water to his face, letting the cold feeling spread. He turned off the sink and ruffled his hair. He looked up, staring at his reflection.

     “Remember--there’s nothing you can’t accomplish.”

     “But I couldn’t save you.” Loki breathed out. “If I was able to accomplish anything, I wouldn’t feel so broken inside. I would’ve been able to save you, to hold you all.” He stared at his reflection, his bottom lip trembling. “I would’ve been able, to tell you all how much I appreciated you. But I was too selfish to admit that I did.”

     “If I could accomplish anything--I should’ve told you all I loved you. Even when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to see you all for a long time. I could’ve even tell them ‘I love you’ back.”

     Staring at the picture frame, he frowned at the old memory.

     “I’ll see you later, mother.” He muttered, leaving his chambers… “because you never liked goodbyes.”

     He blamed himself for his mother’s death, although he hated to admit it. If he wasn’t corrupted in such ways and shown the bloody monster to the staircase-- she would still be alive-- supporting her idiotic son. His mother was someone truly there for him, and someone that would stick along with him while his father would rant about Thor’s excellence.

     He made his way out of his room, his feet moving on their own. He moved through the empty streets of New York, the flashing lights reminding him of his nightmare.

     Slowly trudging up the driveway, he noticed it began to drizzle slightly. Hearing the rain, he smiled and looked up to the sky.

     He paused his movements, letting the rain fall onto his body.

     “Loki! What are you doing?” A voice interrupted his thoughts, one that seemed extremely worried. Loki opened his eyes, face-to-face with a cross figure.

     “What did I tell you about standing in the rain? Get inside for crying out loud!” The figure bickered, pushing Loki into their house. Slamming the door shut, the figure sighed.

     “I have a change of clothes for you, from the last time you were here.” Loki nodded his head, silent. The figure immediately picked this up but decided not to ask right away.

     “I’ll make us a cup of tea while you change-- after, we can talk about it. Is that all right?” The figure asked, cupping Loki’s cheek. Ice cold.

     Loki nodded, grabbing the change of clothes and made his way to the bathroom.

     “Thank you, (Y/N),” Loki whispered, kissing the top of (Y/N)’s forehead. (Y/N) hummed in response, making their way to the kitchen.

     When Loki arrived in the kitchen, (Y/N) had set the kettle down on their dining table, pouring the hot liquid into two teacups. Turning their attention to Loki, they grinned sadly.

     “Have a seat, Loki. I have all night.” Loki nodded and sat in his chair, grasping the teacup gently. Taking a sip of the sweet substance, he stared at (Y/N).

     “I presume you’re here because the incident occurred again?” Loki nodded slowly in response; (Y/N)’s eyes widened, setting his/her cup down on the saucer. Loki stared at the ground, hearing a chair scrape against the floor. Two hands grasped his, making Loki stare at the figure.

     (Y/N) smiled softly, sitting on Loki’s lap. Wrapping his/her arms around Loki’s torso, [s]he buried his/her face in Loki’s neck, inhaling his scent softly. Rubbing his lower back in small, calming circles, they began to hum softly.

     Loki wrapped his arms around her/him as well, listening to their voice. The silence of the atmosphere soothed him, his breathing beginning to get closer.

     (Y/N) removed themselves from Loki minutes later, leading him to their bed.

     Making their way out of the room, Loki grasped his/her hand tightly.

     “Don’t leave me too,” he pleadingly spoke out. (Y/N) inhaled deeply, tucking herself/himself into bed beside Loki.

     “I won’t Loki, you know I won’t.” Loki frowned at (Y/N)’s statement; would she be around him… and for how long?

     Loki wrapped his arms around (Y/N) tightly, his demeanor changed completely when he was down and depressed.

     In the morning, he knew that he would be back to being a sarcastic know-it-all, teasing his lover to the brink of exhaustion; but in moments like this, he knew he could depend on (Y/N).

     (Y/N) knew that Loki was someone who needed a lot of comforts, he had experienced so much as a child, and not to mention his life overall. And (Y/N) wanted to there for him, not out of pity, but as a sign of commitment; that he/she cared for Loki so dearly, that they were willing to embrace Loki’s differences, and help him overcome his demons he had troubles dealing with.

     It wasn’t hard either. Loki didn’t like to converse about it-- unless he was completely distraught, the sheer touch of someone he cared for around him, was enough to comfort him in the toughest times he faced nowadays.

     You stared at Loki’s sleeping figure, sighing to yourself. No matter how much he did, or what he did, you still loved him; even after all the damn things, he put you through.

     Grabbing your phone, you quickly messaged Tony.

[13:02] FYI, I’m going to be with Loki for a while, so don’t send the damn Avengers like you did last time.

[13:10] All right, thanks (Y/N).

     Shutting off your phone, you smiled and cuddled closer next to Loki. You loved him, everything about him made you feel like you were soaring. And you would do anything to make him feel happy and know that he had a place in the world.

     Your eyelids began to drop slowly, losing consciousness.

...

     What you didn’t know-- was that something bigger was about to emerge from the unknown, and test your limits…

thank you, next request should be up soon!

[thenamesseven]

Warnings: Angst

“Sun Hee?”

The tone of his voice told you the call was really unexpected or an unwanted one, the confusion on his features told you your first option was the right one. However, there was a soft tension you could see in Jinyoung’s body that gave away that whoever was calling was a bother to your husband.

Jinyoung, genuinely surprised about finding his phone in your hand, looked at you faking confusion, his body growing tense as he stared at Sun Hee’s name on his phone’s screen. His mind had stopped working as soon as he had heard her name coming out of your lips, he had always been really careful with you using his phone or with him leaving any trace of Sun Hee in his stuff. Jinyoung simply couldn’t believe he had made such a stupid mistake, what was he going to say now? Would you believe him?

“She is a dancer that is having trouble with the choreography of our new song” He blurted out before he could even think about what he was saying once again. 

“Why is she calling you though?” You asked purely confused, you weren’t accusing Jinyoung of anything you just didn’t understand what was going on. With only a towel hanging low on his hips Jinyoung walked down the corridor and stood next to you pulling up his hand so you could give him back his phone.

“Let’s find out” He picked up the call as soon as you handed him the phone. Jinyoung didn’t walk away to talk, in fact, he sat down on the chair you’ve been sitting on five seconds ago “Watch those pancakes babe, I don’t want our kitchen to burn” He told you with a boyish smile and a playful wink that washed away any uneasy feelings you got when you saw another female’s name on his phone.

You weren’t the type to get easily jealous but sometimes Jinyoung got too much attention from other females and you, being the hormonal pregnant mess you were right now, were a bit too sensitive about that. As you turned around to face the mix of pancakes and the hot pan that was ready to start cooking your breakfast you heard Jinyoung swearing under his breath, probably not really feeling like dealing with whatever business he had with that dancer. Jinyoung, on the other hand, was trying really hard to not start shouting at Sun Hee as soon as he heard her voice on the other side of the line.

“Hey Sun Hee, can I help you?” He asked politely, he kept his eyes on your back as he watched you cook. He felt a tight feeling on his chest, if lying to your face hurt, talking with the woman who used to be his lover hurt even more. Actually, Jinyoung felt like if somebody had taken his heart out of his body and squeezed as hard as they could “Can you be quick? It’s my free day and I have some warm pancakes waiting for me” Jinyoung was trying to tell Sun Hee that he was at home without you noticing.

“Don’t be rude Jinyoung” You scolded him, looking back before returning your attention to the pancakes that were almost done. Carefully, you placed them on a plate before pouring some more pancake mix on the pan.

“Pancakes for breakfast, how sweet” Sun Hee mocked being sarcastic, Jinyoung could imagine her rolling her eyes “Are you free this afternoon? Can you come over?” She asked eagerly

“I told you guys I was going to take my day off today” Jinyoung sighed running his fingers through his wet hair “Can’t it wait?”

“Babe you know I can’t, I really need you” Jinyoung’s eyes moved up to your figure quickly, relief washing over him when he saw you hadn’t heard her needy words.

“I will, fine” He finally accepted sighing “It will only take 30 minutes though, I need to talk about a couple of things with you, later” Before Sun Hee could say anything else he hung up and tossed his phone on the table

Kind of surprised about his passive agressive gesture you turned around forgetting about the pancakes momentarily to give him your undivided attention. “You have to return to work later?” You asked with a sad smile, knowing your husband was tired but wasn’t able to rest for an entire day made you feel bad for him.

“Yeah. Jaebum wants to discuss something with some of the dancers” Jinyoung lied looking down at his phone before he stood up to return to the bedroom and finally get dressed.

“Jaebum?” You asked kind of confused, frowning a little “Then why did that girl call you?”

“Because Jaebum was talking with the main choreographer so he asked Sun Hee if she could start calling people”

“I didn’t know you guys were so close with your back up dancers” Even though the words that left your lips sounded kind of like an accusation, it wasn’t. You were genuinely confused about you not having recognize this before. In fact, you thought this was the first time Jinyoung was talking about their back up dancers with you.

“What are you saying (Y/N)?” Jinyoung looked at you, suddenly getting defensive for some reason. Your frown only became deeper, why was he acting that way all of sudden?

“I’m just confused” You replied honestly, making Jinyoung scoff, he was seriously getting mad out of nowhere 

“There is nothing to be confused about” Jinyoung said looking into your eyes “She just called me since Jabum is busy to tell me that I have to go to the studio this afternoon” Sighing he turned around and walked down the hall shaking his head.

“Fine, I’m sorry” You apologized still not having an idea of what you could have said to make him so mad “I didn't mean to make you mad”

Times like this made you wish your boyfriend wasn't idol. You knew Jinyoung loved music and that he was happy being a singer but the way he became stressed whenever a comeback was near was kind of frustrating, it was extremely tiring to be tip toeing around him for days. At least, that's the only reason you could think of to explain the way he was behaving recently, the stress and the way he sometimes snaps out of nowhere was normal on a comeback period.

That's why you couldn't be mad at him. Thanks to Jinyoung you had the life you always wanted, you owed him so much.

How genuine of you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Come oooon, it will be fun!" Yugyeom insisted for the umpteenth time "I promise you we are not that busy (Y/N), we wouldn't be inviting you if we didn't have time"

The guys were thinking about having a movie marathon at the dorms after dinner. Willing to get you out of your place, Yugyeom came up with the idea of inviting you over and since the rest of the members were okay with it he called you as soon as he had a chance.

"I can't watch horror movies, it's bad for the twins if Im stressed or something like that" You half lied, watching scary movies wasn't going to affect your pregnancy but you really didn't feel like going out tonight. You had this uneasy feeling on your chest that wasn't letting you relax and it was certaintly annoying how you couldn't figure out what was bothering you "I'm just not in a good mood today"

Yugyeom's smile fell from his lips when he heard your words, his mind instantly went to Jinyoung's situation "Did anything happen?" He asked quietly, playing with the hem of his hoodie.

Yugyeom felt bad everytime he had to lie to you, it was extremely difficult to not tell you everything he thought your husband was doing but like Jaebum said, it wasn't his relationship and things could backfire on him. What if he told you and you, for some reason, ended up thinking he was just jealous and wanted to break your relationship? What if you thought he was the bad guy instead of Jinyoung? He didn't have the right to tell you what was going on but he was 100% sure that lying to you wasn't the right option either.

"No it's just" He heard you sighing, Yugyeom could easily tell you were upset "Jinyoung is usually so grumpy, you know? He has these mood swings that are driving me crazy, anything I say triggers him and he gets mad out of nowhere" Even though you were speaking fast to hide how weak your voice sounded Yugyeom noticed it "I just want you guys to make your comeback already, get over all the performances you all have to do because then, the normal Jinyoung will be back"

"It will all be okay silly" Yugyeom told you with a sad smile on his lips "You'll see how everything goes back to how it used to be soon, we're under a lot of pressure now and we sometimes are unable to control our tiredness and stress" Honestly, he was feeling like the worst person in the world for defending Jinyoung but if that's what he had to do to calm you down, he would do it as much as you needed it.

"Yeah, I really needed to hear that, thanks" You let out a relieved breath, leaning back your head against the couch, silently waving your hand to Jinyoung who kissed your cheek before heading out of the apartment. Thanks God he hadn't been paying attention to your conversation, Jinyoung seemed to not like the fact that Yugyeon listened to you rant about your problems whenever you needed it.

"Now get dressed, grab your coat and in five minutes there will be a car there to pick you up" This time Yugyeom wasn't asking you to join, he was ordering you to go to the dorms "We have a bunch of chocolate, popcorn and ice cream waiting for you here and we'll also order some pizza"

"Aaaaaaalright, but make it ten minutes, I have to shower"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time you were standing outside of the dorm the idea of coming to simply spend some time with the guys didn't seem that bad. Alone at your place, you would have only been sitting down upset thinking about what could you have done wrong this morning to make Jinyoung so upset. He didn't talk to you since that conversation and that made you slightly dissapointed because you loved talking with him about random stuff when he was at home, the both of you never ran out of things to talk about.

Sighing you shook your head "I came here to have fun not to be pouting" You muttered to yourself right before you knocked on their door.

As if he had been waiting for you to knock, Youngjae opened it, quickly smiling when his eyes met yours "(Y/N)! Get inside, it's so cold today!" He reached out and grabbed your hand, gently pulling you into the entrance. "Give me your coat, I'll hang it" With a silent thanks you handed Youngjae the coat and walked inside quietly, it wasn't your first time in the dorms but it sure felt weird to be there without Jinyoung.

"Wow, you're so fat!" Bambam's genuinely surprised comment made you laugh softly, Mark who was standing next to him hit the back of his head.

"Wow, you're such an idiot!" He muttered, mocking the tone Bambam used

"I didn't mean it in a bad way though" Bambam pouted "You know that right? It's just she's so...Her and now she's so...Huge"

"Of course she is huge, there are two kids in there Bambam" Jackson appeared by your side, placing a bowl of popcorn infront of you so you could grab some "How are you?" He asked sweetly, Jackson could be the loudest yet the sweetest person in the world.

"I'm alright" You shrugged "My feet sometimes get swollen and it kind of hurts when they move around" You explained resting your hand on your belly "But nothing I can't deal with"

"They move?" Bambam looked confused

"Want to feel it? They are moving now"

"Can I too?" Jackson looked at you with puppy eyes, it was just impossible you could say no to him when he was looking at you like that.

You nodded quietly taking Jackson and Bambam's hands to place them down on your stomach, exactly on the places you knew they would be able to feel your twins moving around. As you said, the two of them moved making both males scream like if they had been watching the scariest movie in the world.

"That's so creepy!" Bambam shouted terrified, Youngjae and Mark were on the floor laughing.

"It feels like, when you watch those alien movies and you see them having little aliens inside-"

"We are not aliens!" You replied trying to sound offended, just joking around.

"You definitely are!" Bambam still looked shocked, you couldn't help but laugh too.

"What's so funny huh?"

Yugyeom and Jaebum joined your conversation. At first you were just looking at their reaction while Mark and Youngjae explained what happened but then, Jinyoung's words echoed in your mind.

"Jaebum wants to discuss something with some of the dancers”

Wasn't Jaebum supposed to be in the same meeting as Jinyoung? Why was he infront of you then?

"I thought Jinyoung would come with you" Youngjae commented looking down at you, your frown deepened even more.

"Didn't you had a meeting with him?" You asked looking at Jaebum confused, Jinyoung couldn't have lied to you right?

"A meeting?" Jackson frowned looking at you too

"Ah, Jinyoung wanted to discuss some stuff with me" Jaebum cleared his throat, not being able to come up with something that would explain his absence

"Tell her, she won't be mad" Yugyeom forced him, trying to act as if he knew what Jaebum was talking about.

"What is going on?" Bambam asked, saying your thoughts outloud.

"Jinyoung is in a meeting with JYP" Jaebum didn't know what he was talking about but that was the first excuse he had come up with "He wants to rest some months after you give birth to be there for you" He reached up to scratch the back part of his neck nervously "He doesn't want to leave you alone with two babies, specially the first months when you are trying to get use to it, you know?"

"He wants to what?" Mark frowned

"That would make sense actually" Jackson shrugged walking away to sit down on the carpet that had lots of pillows and blankets on it.

"Why didn't he tell me?" You didn't know how to feel. On one hand you were kind of happy because stopping his job for a period of time to help you get use to having two babies was a really sweet thing but, on the other hand, why hadn't he talked about this with you first?

"Stop" Yugyeom poked your forehead smiling, You didn't notice how it didn't reach his eyes though "You came here to relax not to get even more stressed so let's watch that movie now"

"You're kind of bossy today, aren't you?" You asked jokingly, letting all the guys pull you away from the door and into the living room where they had reunited all the pillows and blankets that were in the dorm.

"Shut up or I won't share my popcorn with you" Yugyeom and you took one side of the couch, Jaebum sat next to him and the other three guys got on the carpeted floor.

The atmosphere was really nice, they all treated you like if you were part of their family even if your husband wasn't around.

Although no matter how much you tried to focus on the movie and the silly comments Bambam and Yugyeom made, your mind kept drifting towards Jinyoung and the secret he had kept from you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Too far away from the dorms, wearing sun glasses and a hat that covered most of his face Jinyoung was standing infront of Sun Hee's apartment. He had rang the bell two seconds ago and he was now waiting for the female to let him inside.

Suddenly the door swung open and without giving him a chance to say anything, Sun Hee gripped Jinyoung's hoodie and pulled him into her apartment. However, when she leaned in to press her lips against his, Jinyoung turned his face not wanting to kiss her.

"Jinyoung, what the fuck?" Sun Hee frowned, clearly offended by his gesture. She moved away from him, giving the male some space as she awaited for an answer.

Jinyoung slipped his hands inside his pant pockets and let out a soft sigh. He walked into the living room, slowly turning around to face her. When Jinyoung's eyes met her lips, the words in hus mind got easily out.

"Sit down, we have to talk about us"

[lunabeaner]

you are not a bother! i love seeing your content in my dash! 💕

hnnngbh thank you, but that’s not what my doubts tell me.  I’m glad you like the memes I post and such, but the reason why i rarely post my art and writing is because i never feel like i can be as cool as all the other people around me.

I feel like a failure compared to the people who left me and the people who i know. 

I remember being used by all of 10 of my ex friends and they never really cared for the stuff i liked. Just how i paid attention to them and praised them. So all the stuff i loved to share of mine with them was probably trash compared to them. They were so much better than me, and still are. I miss them so much fkmfmkfd

Then all the irl people I knew who left me. I always wonder what I did wrong. why my elementry school friends never wanted to get in contact with me again after i got homeschooled in the 5th grade. The one best friend i had who moved away without a goodbye, her mom cut off any contact with anyone. my other friend who i saw at my cousins weddings didn’t dare talk to me at the last wedding or even say hi…  made me feel awful…

my friend from when I was 16? Cut contact with me for no reason. Her sister who i became friends with recently? Doesn’t bother to talk to me but she’ll talk to another girl who’s always constantly boy hungry with all the other guys i know. 

My friend since I was 14? she never really talks to me. I feel used.. And when i invite her to things she’s always busy, and one time she just,, didn’t show up after she said she would.. and she’s way cooler than me. Her art is great, her ideas are great, she’s  got tons of friends.. she gets to go places.. like, cool. I see you’re at a convention instead of coming to the convention you said you’d come with me weeks before. Apologizing over it? YO U EVEN REMEMBERED?? that’s cool. i know you had to go because you have a great art table and such… she’s always got these cool clothes and her boyfriend and mom cosplay with her and support her.. I’m jealous, yeah, but i feel like when she compliments me and talks to me im just not as cool as she is… it’s just a feeling i have.. and i don’t want to loose her because im tired of loosing the people around me. 

I’m constantly feeling like im not good enough. and when people say such nice things to me. when they say they love me, I feel deep down, maybe if they do, I’ll end up disapointing them one day.. and they’ll leave me.

My mom supports my f/o love, but then she shuts me down about it, and tells me to wake up to reality. that i should know better than that. She probably still considers me to be that weird 14 year old kid who cried because a fake boyfriend she made up wasn’t real to her one night.

I feel neglected. even when the people around me hold me close to them. like i’ll never be what they wanted. I feel like i’m a nobody. i’m just the background character of a show no one would pay attention to and eventually gets killed off by the writer or forgotten. 

and the worst part that got these feelings triggered today is bc I saw spoilers to the avengers movie and told my brother who loves the franchise and he got super ticked off so i feel like the worst human being in the world. I don’t even know why i said it jhnhjs

and my dad said something insensitive about animals so I also got peeved off. ijdsndsjdfn sorry for ranting, fdjsdfjn i hope you didn’t actually have to read through this nightmare because i could rant on about my ex online friends and the time i actually was in love with a someone as well as they liked me but i was too scared to do so so i lost them romanticlly but got to be their friend till they became my ex friend too but i’ll shut up now. i don’t need to rant about stupid stuff to make people hate me bhgdds

[janiedean]

That's why I said worst country and im thinking EVERY Americans are very retarded. Remind me, who the fuck is in the white house again? A fucking celebrity star that MOST AMERICANS doubted years ago who wouldn't be a fucking president and would make a bad president which appears to be the case now and people voted for him??????????? Seriously, fuck Americans and perhaps maybe they should die if they do not pay more attention to the bad shit going on

Because I don’t think it’s even an excuse no more that I don’t want to hear about the badshit in the world because that shit is more depressing which is true but that does not justify them sitting there ass about it and doing nothing while they are playing games or posting something about cats!!!!!!!! Maybe everyone should throw the depressing shit in their faces as fuck them, they don’t care? Then everyone around the world don’t care about you And America fucking sucks more than China and other countries that they considered bad. Without looking at the positives and why you could argue that they are “better” than the US has even if these countries do not have something like the First Amendment. I apologize with this rant I’m going on but do you see where I’m coming from what this?

…. no, I don’t.

all right, I debated not answering this, but since I have a feeling some of y’all aren’t really catching the drift of my political opinions, I’m gonna go at it:

first: please do avoid calling people retarded - it’s not nice, it’s not funny, you can use any other damned word that doesn’t have the connotations that specific one has, and honestly, if I’m discussing a country where thanks to classism and a shitty educational system they have forty-three million people who can’t read and write because their teachers couldn’t be arsed to make sure they actually learned, you going and saying they’re *retarded* is really fucking shitty, end of question, so if we really need to have this conversation chill the fuck out and drop that tone because I’m not here to insult people like that especially if talking about people who might have not gotten an education because their teachers/peers thought they were ****retarded**** with a bunch of ***s;

second: okay, and berlusconi was elected in italy thrice and berlusconi OWNED the televisions that started the reality genre in italy along with gossip newspapers and shit so he was basically trump except less whacked (AND IF I’M SAYING THAT…), so what, now I’ll call **retarded** everyone else who’s voted berlusconi? or the current italian government made of utter incompetents or racists? trump is shit but I’m the least person who can go and laugh about it COMING FROM THE COUNTRY WHERE PEOPLE VOTED HIS EQUIVALENT THRICE and now voted pretty much the same;

third: actually trump didn’t get the popular vote and the percentage in which he made enough to win was…. poor white people who didn’t finish high school/barely finished high school. who most likely live in areas where no one has given a fuck about sky-high unemployment since at least the beginning of the eighties. ‘scuse me I’m not gonna judge people who fell for it when they didn’t get an education and he was an outsider promising them to change things (which ofc he won’t do but they can’t know), but never mind;

fourth: trump got 62,984,828 votes. hillary got 65,853,514. now, the US have an esteemed population of 328,355,612. if we take out trump’s voters, we have 265,370,784 people. now, according to you, TWO MILLION SIXTY FIVE PEOPLE SHOULD DIE BECAUSE OF HOW THE OTHERS HAVE VOTED? like, are you listening to yourself? because that’s fucking ridiculous, period;

fifth: I highly doubt most americans are on the internet posting pictures of cats;

sixth: americans on tumblr/on the internet are in 90% of the cases privileged people who have no clue of how the non-privileged people’s lives work or they wouldn’t be assuming that all trump voters voted for him because they have boner for neonazism, but judging the entire population by their online presence isn’t exactly fair;

seventh: man, I think, idk, NORTH KOREA is fairly worse than the US are (also pls just call them US, AMERICA IS THE ENTIRE CONTINENT idc for how it’s referred to in english IT’S UNITED STATES gdi), same as idk, eritrea, south sudan, every damned dictatorship refugees flee from, most likely syria these days, and a lot of other places, including china, because I mean AT LEAST IN THE US YOU DON’T HAVE RESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS and shit like that like man if according to you the first amendment is not enough to make someplace way better automatically than dictatorships/autocracies, well, congrats but really fucking not. without free speech you don’t have a democratic country, period, and no one wants dictatorships. ffs;

eight: I’m all for us-criticizing (and criticizing tumblr’s us centrism) but in no way shape or form I am ever going to go like ‘all americans suck they should die’ because a) that’s not how it works, b) judging an entire population is always wrong period, c) a lot of those americans who voted trump and so on are actually victims of the system which sucks, d) I actually don’t hate americans as like, actual people, I hate us centrism and how the us meddle with about everyone else and destabilize entire areas and then OPS WE HAVE TERRORISTS ARE WE SURPRISED, but I don’t hate them and I don’t hate the US as a whole because again, as I’ve said a countless number of times, there’s been excellent stuff that came from the US and excellent people who came from there and writing off 325 million people because of politics especially when it comes to trump who has been elected in this specific political climate is just downright asinine;

finally: I didn’t write off americans as a lost cause when they voted bush jr the second time (the first was a fraud and we all know it), at this point I think I can afford to not do it for trump.

to finish it all off: I don’t know if it was clear, but just in case, the fact that I’m US critical doesn’t mean I hate the US as a whole and the fact that I’m a leftist doesn’t mean that I have to automatically think everyone who votes where I don’t or wouldn’t is an idiot and believe me my current government is making me test that every day but I managed to not do it yet, so can you, and the fact that I think the american left is centrist/that tumblr left is a joke, and the fact that I don’t think all trump voters MUST be evil doesn’t mean I actually like trump or that I’m not a leftist.

and I’m not having any political related discussion in those terms. ALL MUSLIMS SHOULD DIE was the point that I had to hear from neofascists/the equivalent of your alt-right people when I was in middle school post sept. 11th and I didn’t think it was a great argument, and all americans should die is the exact same matter.

tldr: if you want to discuss this like a civil person who can actually do things rationally fine, if not please find someone else to rant at because I don’t appreciate this kind of language/tone. thanks.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

asks (19)

Anonymous said: Hey can you do something like Bruce reacting to Jason's death? Or just dealing with it in general (I'm feeling awfully sad)

Ahhh I get that you probably want new material, but I don’t have the time for it just now, so I’m just gonna link to all the sad Bruce and Jason content. I hope you feel better! Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help :///

The fic about Bruce right after Jason died

The fic from Under the Red Hood

The fic with Tim as Robin

The fic where Jason gets injured

Generalized angst with a Bruce and Jason section

Anonymous said: Your new list of punishable offenses really, really improved my day

I’m so glad! We all need a lil help, you know?

@thephilosophersapprentice said: Headcanon that Dick uses those relaxing videos from youtube to get Tim to fall asleep

Sleep?? He doesn’t know her (what videos tho hmu)

Anonymous said: Have you done your torts reading yet? Should I poke you? I believe in you!

I did it that day but regrettably there is new torts reading every day :///

Anonymous said: I read the thing about Damian liking plants, and I'm just imagining him and Poison Ivy talking about their favorite plants and like, having a full-on discussion about plants

Selina says it’s “good for them both” and “vaguely cute” but honestly? Makes Bruce nervous

Anonymous said: JOSS WHEDON IS NO LONGER DIRECTING BATGIRL!!!! I am screaming with joy!!

Ahhhhhh it was just a rumor but I WISH

Anonymous said: Hi, I just read through like, all of your Damian hc's and I also read the one about him giving people thoughtful gifts and then I cried for a while. Thank you

One of my favorites! He’s a good kid

Anonymous said: Hey, gotta question. How old is Jason? I had a friend ask me and I wasn't sure.

Really hard to say on that one :/

My personal guess would be somewhere in the 19-22 range in the n52/rebirth, maybe 25ish in the preboot

Anonymous said: Have you read Worlds Apart by Fernandidilly_yo??? They just updated it and it is SO good, I think you would enjoy it. :)))

I haven’t, but I’ll give it a look :)

@giotanner said: Thank you very much for reblog my art (Tim Drake -inktober). This means a lot for me, 'cause I love your blog and always I follow it. Have a nice day!

It was a beautiful picture!

Anonymous said: what did you like about justice league tho ///

Spoilers below

I liked seeing Ben Affleck’s Batman and Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman on screen, acting like friends. I loved new-Barry and new-Arthur and new-Victor (especially Victor), especially when he called Bruce an asshole?? Iconic

I’ll be the first to admit that the movie had substantial problems, but here’s the thing: I just genuinely enjoy watching the characters I love on the big screen. The movie made me happy, and that’s all I really care about just now.

Anonymous said: hey mom, can i rant a lil? i am.... disappointed after watching justice league. i mean, i loved the new characters but coming out of the theatres i felt.. icky??? something just didnt sit well with me - the movie was too.... altered i guess is the only word i can think of right now. it didnt feel right. the tone was too light too different (forced?) for me too but thats just me. idk i just... im just upset right now. what did you think?

I’m really sorry you felt that way! I know what you’re talking about, and I’m sorry it ruined the movie for you

@batfightart said: I am so so so so so so so so sorry to hear what you have been going through with this "friend" of yours. That is truly despicable of him to disrespect what you have already told him about yourself and attempt to pursue a relationship despite it. And it's especially terrible since he's your partner for a class and that you share so many friends. Please feel free to vent to us anytime you need, we all love you so much and care for your well-being. I don't know if there is anything I can do, (1/2)

batfightart said: (2/2) but please let me know if I can help in any way or if you need anything. Please remember that you are so loved and that you are VALID as you are. We all appreciate you so much on here, and just want to give you support. I'll be thinking about you and wishing for the best for you. Thank you for sharing with us. We are here for you <3

Honestly this was.... exactly what I needed to hear a few days ago. Thank you so much for your support :’)

@justhavingfun123 said: I understand a bit of what you going through. I've had something similar happen with a guy; he thought he was "the exception". But just because he's friends with your friends doesn't mean you have to distance yourself from them, it might seem like to right thing to do(I've done it before), but stick to your friends. He'll hopefully see he was cruel in the end, and you need friend at a time like this. Hope everything will turn out good in the end and love your work ✨

My friends have been super supportive, which is really great because I don’t think I could have made it through this week without them. Sorry about your shitty experience with that guy :///

@12freddofrogs said: : ( That thing with the girlfriend-zone sounds horrible. I'm really sorry for you having to go through it. I wish I could give you advice or help, but all I can do is offer a virtual hug and prayers. I'm sure it will work out, but it sucks right now, and that's what hurts.

Hug and prayers both greatly appreciated <3

Anonymous said: In regards to your personal distress: you are valid. What you want and don't want is valid. I don't know the full extent of the situation, but if you can take a few precautions then tell him to back the f off, do so. I hope that that will help you feel better(?) about the situation.

I really needed that, anon

Anonymous said: God I’m so sorry that this guy has been playing you that fucking SUCKS and you did NOTHING wrong and we’re very different people but I know the feeling of just feeling so violated over being touched and it’s just the worst UGH I hope this guy fucks off forever and things go back to being good and happy

It was really bad for a couple of days, honestly. I still get all shivery and gross when I think about it, but I’m getting better

Anonymous said: I hope everything works out for you. I wish you the best!!!!

It’s been rough. Haley and I talked to him about it yesterday, because before that, he didn’t know that I was onto him. I made an outline and everything, and I practiced the speech a bunch of times. I made it through the whole thing without breaking down or losing my temper, and he just sort of.... sat there for awhile, until Haley made him apologize. 

It was a really good apology. He said that he had justified the whole thing to himself, but now he understood that his actions were wrong, and he was sorry that he hurt me. I think it was genuine. He was visibly upset when he found out I’d been having panic attacks about it. 

On the one hand, I don’t think he’s a threat to me anymore. He won’t pull that shit again. On the other hand, we aren't talking to each other anymore, and he’s avoiding me. In all honesty, I appreciate that, but even though I know I shouldn’t, I feel guilty for hurting him.

Haley said that he cried a lot after I left. I know that doesn’t change anything. No matter how genuine his feelings towards me are, they don’t excuse his behavior. He manipulated me, and even if it was for honest-to-God-Disney-princess-True-Love, he had no excuse to violate my trust or my autonomy like that. 

I still feel guilty. I’m actively repressing the urge to call and see if he’s okay. I’m not gonna do it, but the urge is there. 

It’s just been.... a week. I don’t know, guys. I’m struggling. 

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

12 | The color Topaz

May 20th 1994

"Will a man rob God?"

Rev. Dr. Titus E. Tobias. He was a man of few words but not at all without that stringy charisma that could weave into your conscious like a fat snake. Rev. Tobias could ease your thoughts and insecurities all the while, swindling your pocket book with his cocaine words.

"Will a man rob God?"

Could he? Could a man really rob God? Even if he could, that wouldn't be the worst thing about him and that certainly wasn't even one of the worst things Rev. ever did. If there was anything I learned at New Direction Missionary Baptist Church, I knew that man had many flaws. And my biggest flaw...was that Rev. Dr. Titus E. Tobias...was my dad.

"Today, we just reached our quota." He ranted after service was over and we were seated comfortably within the spacious walls of his office. Well...at least I was comfortable.

"Really? And what quota might that be, dad?" I answered dryly.

"We made fifty thousand dolla's today, son. Fifty!"

My eyes took a chance at lurching up at the sky, asking for guidance from the heavens. Dad was so absorbed with the quota, I was almost positive nothing would bother him at this point.

"Some of this shit's going in y'all trust funds. But, you bess believe we going out tonight."

I shook my head.

In the spring of '94, I had just turned seventeen years old. You could say I'd reached an influential time period in my life. My cerebral cortex heightened around this time similar to my penis in the mornings , which frightened and excited me more often than not.

But, I had realized that my daddy's profession was more of a business in which he devoted his life to. The older I'd gotten, the more he felt inclined to share his inquiries with me. He had a motive. He had a motive and a desire.

"One day, this'll be you."

"Dad...I don't want to do this."

He pursed his lips.

"One day you will." He said, waving off my claims. "I'm teaching you all this now so-"

"I won't use any of this later, dad. I told you...I don't want it."

"...I see..." he marveled.

Not many times had I seen the non superficiality of my parents, let alone my father. But, there was a twinkle in his eye. By the smell of him I could tell he wasn't completely intoxicated. He was here- all the way live. He heard every watery second of it.

"Well...what do you want?" He asked.

"...ion know, dad."

He nodded his head, as if he understood everything I was trying to communicate.

"You're seventeen. You bout to be grown in a minute...we just need to figure out what we're up to." He suggested.

Principally, my father understood what I was trying to say. He placed his hand onto my shoulder, declaring his plans for me.

"We'll talk to some people. I don't care what you do...but you need to make some money. And I know how to get you there."

"That's great, dad." I agreed. Money was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to get as far away from Mississippi as possible. I didn't know what I wanted but I most certainly didn't want whatever the hell this was.

Especially because of the coterminous perspiring events

"Pastor Tobias...you asked me to pick something up for my auntie?"

A small burnt sienna figure with hair as long as a lake; tamed and well kept, peered over at us boldly among the door.

"Why...yes. Yes I did." Smiled my father. "Elijah!" He called, now with a diplomatic tone.

"Tend to your mother, will you?" He handed me the keys. At seventeen this was a joy. I still hadn't gotten my license yet.

"Can we get something to eat?"

"Do whatever your heart prefers. And hey...remember what I told you."

"You got it, dad."

I was almost halfway out of the door when I heard my fathers voice. Usually, if all the times my father talked, I barely heard him. However, this time his voice inclined me. The way it sauntered and creeped like the young girls river hair. It reeked, just before he locked the door behind him.

"Hello...Aaliyah..."

☾

Elijah

The store was packed but I didn't mind. A smile threatened its way to my lips every second that transpired. Not because of the sky...not because of the sun...but because of that wild woman...Sanaa.

Everything seemed alright to me.

The funky ass smells in the grocery store, the ugly ass people; I was happier than them and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed feeling a spark in my chest when I remembered, she's in my bed waiting for me.

I can't even begin to announce the events last night. It was more than pleasure. That woman had the vagina of an ocean. It was strong and dainty. It could get rough and melodic when you wanted it to. It was better than any cleanse you've ever done. Her body was a Honduran retreat and I needed healing.

My thoughts lead me astray as I placed the breakfast items on the counter.

The woman smiled at me.

At the sight of her lips, I thought of Sanaa's...when they wrapped perfectly around me.

The woman flipped her hair and again, I thought of Sanaa. The way I yanked her wild roots, lifting her beautiful face to reach my lips. So I could touch, lick, and satisfy every succulent moment of her.

I clenched my bottom lip, hoping not to expose my manhood in public.

"26.69..." she dragged, smoothing her lipgloss with her lips.

I gave her my card, still preoccupied with my explicit thoughts.

"Thanks, shorty. Im sure my wife will appreciate your ringing me up. Ya know...she's waiting on me."

_______________

"Baby..."

My voice, crystalized with passion, phonated through my house.

Somehow, it felt empty. Somehow it felt full. There was something about it that seemed awry.

"Baby? Where you at?"

"Right here, honey."

Sanaa's voice didn't sibilate through my ear. It didn't wrap its arms around me or allay me into its sumptuous trap.

Instead, Esther's writ rang into the open glass bottles that lie on the counter tops.

"...What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Is that any way to speak to your wife, my son?"

"...mom?"

"Well, hello...don't look so surprised, darling. I told you I would be coming to see you...I think you owe your wife an apology."

I stared blankly at my true wife, agitated at my mothers unwanted glance. Esther picked up on this, nervously conjuring an excuse to pacify the old hag amongst us.

"Mama...he was just looking out for me...ever since the big news he doesn't want to see me up on my feet. He's real protective of me."

"What news?" I asked, now totally focused on her words.

She teetered, fiddling with the ends of her hair.

"I let mama in." She finally voiced.

"She did. We all are here...except your sister. Lord only knows where that girl could be." My mother breathed, as if she had been on her feet all day before collapsing on the love seat.

"Why are you here, mother?"

"We need somewhere to stay before we buy a house...like I bought this one."

My mothers voice beamed tawdrily and urgently, moving the earth like she did when were kids. Except, this time she wasn't turning her machine gun weapon like eyes towards anyone else but me, which was an aberration.

The silence in the air hushed everyone up and, once again, it took all of me not to charge at her.

Esther, the incisive soul she was, grabbed my arm and excused us into the day room.

"Look...I know this is a big deal for you, your family and I popping up into your life all of a sudden like this, but you've got to get a grip." She hissed. "We are still married."

"...bullshit." snorted. "You left me for that punk ass gardener nigga. Remember?"

She shook her head.

"We're playing a game, Elijah...since we can't stand up to mama...we have to play the game. She's the one who controls the gold. And he who controls the gold rules the world."

"Bullshit, once again. My daddy is the one who gave me this life, not her."

She shook her head again, resting her eyes, insistent on her plea.

"Who do you think makes out his checks, Elijah? Hmm? She does. She does everything. You might not want to make her angry."

"You're not my mother." I gritted silently, pointing at her chest.

"And I don't want to be. But she is. So play the game."

She grabbed my finger, twisting it lightly. There was a twinkle in the tenor of voice. She was scared. Like me, she didn't exactly know what she wanted. She was given a chance to survive the only way she knew how. Unlike me, she knew how to put on an air and survive on her own. She was what men liked to call a woman. She deserved a man that didn't need her.

"Oh, and Elijah..."

"What?" I asked, growing more annoyed at the thought of my mothers beggared attention span and also wondering if Sanaa was somewhere hidden upstairs.

"Im pregnant..."

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

[bpdfoxmulder]

im isolating myself but like. its not like anyone cares like someone maybe does a little bit but like. lets see. im gonna rant a looot under the cut im sorry

best friend abandoned me months ago an di still think abt her every fucking single day and i never got closure and it. hurts like hell

the first irl friend i had made in like......... idk years?? decided to leave me behind and it hit me so fucking hard tht i almost killed myself (after attempting very recently)

other best friend is not having the best of times even tho they said it got a bit better  in their last text but like i cant ansdwer them bc 1. if i open whatsapp i think abt my irl friend who left me and like the fucking idiot i am i go rereading our last conersation when she told me we shouldnt be friends anymore. 2. im so sos o scared theyll leave me too im like. i cant do it i cant i wnat to disappear and the only ways i can do tht is isolating mysekf abd killing myself haha im so fucked also i mthe worst friend in the world but i just cant

friend who said she was gonna be there for me and after i told her not to ignore me esp after i attempted suiide bc im v fragile................ well she ignored me for TEN days like. do u know how fucking long that is TEN DAYS like our last convo was “i gotta go to class brb ily” “ily2!” and theb. she never was “right back” lmao instead she didnt message me for t e n days abd now shes like i havent forgotten abt u i promise LIKE UHM OKAY U KNOW I HAVE BPD. u know i was abandoned by my best friend. u know i attempted suicide. but ALRIGHT IM JUST SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE U WERENT IGNORING ME im just supposed not to feel betrayed and ignored and fuckignf abandoned. lmao sure. so ofc im ignoring her too.

other friend is checking on me every day which is. nice even tho theyre doing it mostly bc they cant handle people close to them dying so. they dont want me to kms bc of that. idk i think theyre great but??? i dont trust them??? bc all my friends always leave me so why shouldnt they leave me too U K NOW lmao

other friend messaged me some days ago to check on me and like. tbh hes always been so kind to me and he doesnt deserve me ignoring him like AT ALL i feel like complete shit doing it but. again. cant trust him. also my brains like “yeah sure he checked on u but he doesnt seem too worried that u havent answered so does he REALKY care or is he actually secretly relieved that he doesnt have to put up with u??”

my therapist. jesus. i feel like she hates me. i bailed on her for 2 weeks ib a row and im, having LOTS of trouble trusting her and i told her and like. i know she cares but... she must be so fucking tired of me like i called her the day my irl friend left me and she tried to caln me down but i just kept saying “i cant i canbt i cant” so she told me to go to the hospital and i did but like. yesterday i didnt manage to call her when i was bad and i relapsed and i feel like killing myself every day and i cry and stay in bed all day every day and i just. cant trust her so i dont call her and i feel guilty but idk what to do

talking abt going to the hospital. my mum was the one who took me there. she talked to my therapist who i suppose told her my life was in danger or smth and.... god. my mum was so angry. she kept screaming at me things like there are kids who dont have food there are ppl who dont have their arms anymore and u feel bad?? and like... i told her i felt abandoned and she was like there are people without their family you have us and u have the courage to ssay u feel abandoned?? she told me i cant always react like this and i couldnt explain tht i cant control my reaction like later she was like u think i dont have problems? and i tried to tell her that i know she does but she doesnt have an illness like i do that makes me react in a certain way to things that to her seem managable in healthy ways. but she doesnt understand bpd she doesnt understand mental illness. and she said such mean things abt my therapist so did my father they were like why do u talk to her she just damages u shes bad for u stuffvlike that and.. tbh i donteven remember all the mean things my mum yelled at me and even if she kind of apologized i still feel very guilty and just. bad

in conclusion. i cant trust anyone. i want to kill myself every day but i dont even have to energy to leave my bed. im isolating myself so no one else can hurt me. and now im gonna cry myself to sleep bci wont be able to avoid thinking abt all the things that remind me of the friends who left me