#i want to be either 30% more OR less self aware- i genuinely don't care on the direction

[queerlyhalloween]

i always called 'em "ear stretchers" and, like, people would USE the word "gauge" in front of me and I'd say "what're we gageing?" and everyone'd laugh because I'm telling a funny joke, but no 😭 being entirely genuine 😭

[dutyworn]

Wren full playthrough part 3. Notable mods for this part: LE1 Diversification Project, Saren Stages, Keepers Finders (full modlist linked under the readmore along with other generic information about this playthrough)

I timestapmed this a while ago so I have less commentary than usual for the self-roast etc because I can't remember shit. I do remember, though, that this part is a good example of the general "in-game isn't 1:1 to blog portrayal" what with exhausting a lot of the conversation options. I aim for this to be a "full" playthrough so like I'm recording the full Avina conversations, but a lot of that stuff... would probably be stuff that she either already knows or at the very least even if she likes to hear the facts from the actual people rather than the extranet (OK, Avina is a VI anyway but), she'd probably not stop to ask questions while being supposed to be rushing to the Council chambers XD See also she would never essentially brag at Avina for having an audience with the Council but that was one of the "Havu did not think the tone of that dialogue tree was that and clicked it anyway" times that happens way too much in this game.

Also? 100 percent I'm doing the Scan the Keepers quest for the money and the XP. Wren would... not fuck with that, and most likely report it to C-Sec. But I'm doing it because money and XP and also I like the little things the mod adds to it loool.

One more note, I don't think I had installed the mod that fixes mumbling NPCs yet for this part but I know I did sometime fairly early on. Paired with no subtitles this is not ideal but. Eh.

youtube playlist / tumblr masterpost (pending) (look for ; havu gaming tag for prev)

Highlights and timestamps:

00:00 Docking on the Citadel. Genuinely one of my favourite cinematics from the first game.

01:54 Talk with Udina and Anderson.

04:54 Chat with Embassy receptionist.

05:48 Chat with Embassy Avina.

10:40 Keeper, chat with Citadel Tower Avina.

15:03 Elevator chat: Ashley & Kaidan. Yes, I aim to record as many elevator chats with different squad combinations as I manage.

15:37 Meeting Garrus.

17:26 Council hearing.

20:15 Chat with Udina and Anderson.

27:27 Elevator chat: Ashley & Kaidan.

28:03 Scan the Keepers pt1, Chorban

30:40 Presidium Prophet pt1. A "I don't have enough reputation points for this dialogue, doing this later" moment.

33:33 Barla Von

General disclaimer: This is not meant to be a 1:1 to my roleplay portrayal, even if it can be used as a reference for choices and just as a general "people can watch this if they are interested/wanna know Wren/the game more" fun thing. In gameplay, I tend to exhaust dialogue options; for a lot of asking questions, Wren actually would already be aware of the answers so sometimes it's more about wanting to show the dialogue (for people not familiar with the game) and gaining XP, other times (mostly when conversing with people about their personal experiences) she asks about things she is aware of because she wants the story from the person themselves, and to show care. Also, gaming dynamics obviously have their limits.

I record everything. I edit out reduntant getting lost on the map (happens a lot more you'd expect), repeat dialogue, and/or speed through leveling up, modding equipment, etc. If I am reading something while playing, I keep the text in my edits for long enough for me to be able to read (I'm a slow reader). Stuff less relevant to the story, such as planet descriptions, I keep in the video but only very briefly so that the information is there and readable if the video is paused.

I mainly record for my own reference/screencapping etc. purposes. That's why there also are no subtitles, though I will record clips I specifically want to share with subtitles on.

You may use my videos freely for anything you wish, such as screencapping your muse if you play someone from the games etc.

I play with a galore of mods! Here's my list of mods I currently use in this playthrough for the first game.

I always include clickable timestamps on Youtube, if you want to watch, but want to skip some parts.

[satanfemme]

Same anon asking about DID. I’m really sorry if any of this is upsetting or offensive. I’m adjusted to the terms the people I know with DID use and it may not line up? Let me know if I said something wrong though! This is just for me because I like learning from people who have it rather than reading a report by someone who doesn’t have it, and though I know systems, everyone’s experiences are different. “You” may refer to whoever is out, the host, system as a whole, etc, whichever you feel like answering the question for.

What kind of language do you have a problem with/prefer? Things like “personalities” over “alters”, using “insane” as slang but not an insult, describing it as multiple personality disorder, addressing you as multiple people without talking about the system as a whole, or any other words you might have opinions about.

How often do you switch alters and how often are you aware of it? Are you distressed by it ever? How many are in your system? Do you want to talk about any of them or describe them? Do you have any specific triggers that may cause a switch?

This question might be a little much, but do you know how old your body was when the personalities started developing? Do you get seizures? Any other things you wish people knew about DID or experiences you want to share?

Thanks! Take your time with answering, if you answer at all. Stay safe :)

(sorry in advanced if any of this comes across as overly formal or dismissive; I prommy I'm not insulted by anything u said I just don't have the energy to be super friendly rn cause I just got off work hdfgf)

I prefer the term "alter" above anything else, but language is highly subjective so that's just my opinion. I'm indifferent to calling alters "parts" or "self states" (you'll notice I tend to use that language in more medical discussions of DID/OSDD). and imo I kinda hate the label "personalities" for alters as that's more so based in outdated ideas of the disorder (we aren't "multiple personalities" of one person, we're different self states of one mind and in the grey area between being separate vs. the same).

on that note, the disorder hasn't been called "multiple personality disorder" since, like, over 20 years ago now iirc. so if someone with DID self identifies as having "MPD" due to getting their diagnosis 30 or 40 years ago, that's fine by me, that's valid. but tbh I can't think of any other situation where "MPD" is used to talk about DID in the present and I'm not like "hey! ew!" about it.

9 times out of 10 I don't care about words like "insane" or "crazy", tho there's definitely cases in which using them to insult someone fucking sucks. but if ur just like "wow this traffic is crazy" I genuinely couldn't care less.

some people like being addressed as being multiple (some online spaces even normalize the use of "yous" to be clear you're addressing someone as plural), meanwhile some people only want to be addressed as singular no matter what. personally I think it makes more sense one way or the other in specific contexts, but ultimately idc either way

idk how often we switch currently, cause stress and weed makes system communication/awareness more difficult (and we are both stressed and also a stoner rn, so....). if I wanted to I could make an educated guess, but I don't really feel like it. hfghf

the thing about "how old was the body when alters developed" is that according to the most up-to-date understanding of DID, that's not exactly how it works actually! it used to be thought that there was one "original" personality, and that the rest developed later, but the current theory is that the initial alters develop simultaneously in early childhood (ie, there is no one original personality!). basically what they think is: when everyone is a toddler, they don't have a real set "identity" the way adults do, and rather have different self states (like "happy self", "angry self", "hungry self"). in normal development, as you get older you develop a more solid identity, and these parts naturally integrate into one "self" by the time you're 8 or 9 or so. but if you experience repeated trauma, those parts don't integrate correctly, and rather they begin developing more depth separately (ie: the "happy self" might develop into the host, "sad self" develops into a trauma holder, "angry self" into a protector, etc, each with their own sense of identity and their own personal opinions/emotions). and ofc once ur older-than-a-child brain is still continually un-integrated like this, ur system has the ability to further split, but this is just like. a TLDR on the formation of DID as I personally understand it.

if u want to do further reading/research, I have a public google docs DID/OSDD library here -> https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1u1xobTNUw58x3MiftURLsz1ZlfwBO7O3?usp=sharing there's like, research papers and articles and books about it in there, have fun

[topicprinter]

I don't want the title to sound like I'm attempting to write some epic series. I'm more surprised than anything that the first post was so well received. I think subconsciously I hoped it would sink and that I would have scratched my itch.As it does seem to be helping a few of though and I did say I'd keep writing if it helped, I feel the need for at least a couple more posts and I'll hopefully take the time to answer some of the comments individually on the previous one.​To continue then, here is a 'Don't- Do- Don't' sandwich to keep the positive and negative even.I'm certainly not bashing on entrepreneurship, far from it. I really do think everyone that has the desire in them should start something- I'm just really concerned for others that feel they have to start something in the way and with the aim that other people are telling them to.​I've jotted down 4 more Don'ts and a handful of Do's here. As I mentioned in my previous post on here- I personally think that by scaling back your ambitions and intentions, focussing on the tiniest actions and letting go of too much need for a return on your efforts you are far more likely to either do something a little worthwhile that you can benefit from or even surpass these humble goals with something closer to your unrealistic goal than you would otherwise.​Apologies in advance again if I hit anyone too close to the bone and please bear in mind that I have probably been there.​(Side note: On browsing through yesterdays comments I think there are some people that could do with a 30 or 60 day detox from self help. Don't tell yourself you're quitting them forever- just swinging the control in the relationship with your books and authors back in your favour)​Two More Don't Do's for the Day.So yesterday I touched on the Don't Do's of 'Aiming for the Stars', 'Looking for too much advice', 'Desperation towards starting a business/ Lack of patience' and 'Overthinking'.I genuinely think if you avoid them you'll do better than not. To build on them and go a little deeper here's what I have maybe done and didn't work or have closely observed in the people in my circle (ie happy, decently off, mostly non millionaires although there are a few).​Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously (or be too hippy confident)I don't know what it is with us when we start out on this journey but I think it's the innocent care free child inside us hiding from this new scary creature we're trying to mould ourself into.Depending on who your'e copying, you may naturally start to try and emulate them. Most stereotypical famous entrepreneurs (not all btw) are either quite aggressive/ arrogant or quite 'know it all-ey'. From what I recall anyway.They're either strutting and yelling and power shaking the soul out of people or they're trying to come across as some type of hippy wizard who just 'knows' everything and can see round corners.Again, to compare that to the people I personally know- they are far more ordinary than any of the personalities- they're far less intense barring a bit of good old enthusiasm.I can't quite think of how to describe the ones I know but one thing that covers it is that they are all great to socialise with and good at parties, I can imagine the ones I haven't been to a party with are also.I don't mean they are the life and soul by any means- some of them are found with me in the kitchen or corner- what I mean is that they'll talk about varying and interesting things, will bang out a few dad jokes or take the p!ss out of others and themselves.They like a laugh an most of them did before they made it.Every single one of them has a pretty involving hobby/ interest outside fo their work or business (I've now written a list/ mind map of these people to help me write about them!) and I wouldn't describe a single one of them as intense or preachy.Actually come to think of it- I believe deep down that a lot of them come across as being aware how lucky and possibly average they are.This was a big realisation I came to myself prior to 'doing well' and I now feel better in myself with this opinion.- Lighten up, chill out, put more effort into your hobbies and outside interests (or get one), laugh; and enjoy life a bit more.​Dont try to find Opportunity Everywhere- Don't Think of everything as a potential business.Bear with me on this one.​A few years ago, after harassing my health service for several years prior to get me in front of a shrink to diagnose me with the Adult ADHD I 'knew' I had, I was finally aloud to go in for some tests- the lovely Indian lady doctor told me the reason I kept getting into a funk of lack of focus, indecision and spiralling 'anxiety' (which has similar symptoms- more on this later) was partly due to the fact that I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (and partly due to the fact that I was sadly desperate for success- she knew!)I was told by her to get a blue light and try mindfulness. Of course I took that as 'become a meditation teacher who's not into the woo woo and open a centre' and 'start a specialised website that provides advice to sufferers of SAD and sells blue lights etc'.I then went home, looked up all the keyword search volumes and started to analyse the competition- I felt sick when I realised the lo and behold someone had beaten me to it... by at least 20 years. The keywords were really competitive and it just wasn't worth it.I begrudgingly bought a light from the top result and when it came I think I kinda hoped it was crap.These last few winters I've actually used the blue light in the mornings and feel far better this time of year than I ever remember.I know that many of us that are naturally drawn to entrepreneurship are problem solvers, opportunity grabbers and make things betterers but we only have so much creative energy and decision making juice in us each day.By looking at every damn object or service we come across as something that we 'could get into', it drains our radar and puts everything into the same swamp of ideas.I think it's better to be more of a disregarder- again Im sure that the people I know know this.I've personally found that the businesses that have happened for me were a bit like with me and my wife. The first few encounters were random, meaningless events... we spent a little time together and took things slowly with no agenda. Then without even realising it we were in love and then married with children.- The opportunity will come if you let it and you'll just know when you know.​Time for some Do Do's(Stop it Chandler!)Finally, some things that can be done!Like I said, I think having a business is great, has made me a better person and has made me a good bit better off. I genuinely attribute a large part of my 'average' success and subsequent happiness to things I stopped doing rather than new habits that I formed but here are a couple of things I and those I observe do/did and may be worth trying yourself.​When you stop fantasising, researching and frantically flicking through motivational books & videos, you're left with some space that needs filling.I already mentioned hobbies and interests, but I'll cover that after what I think should head up the list.​Spend time with other peopleI haven't called it family or friends etc as I don't want to marginalise anyone who doesn't have them. I don't want to brag but I am lucky in this sense- if you're not so, I genuinely think you can do something about that.I also appreciate that people may be shy, be introverted and/or have social anxiety.I still think that its really important that you spend more time with the people you like spending time with or go out and find some. I guess it doesn't matter if they are online even- just spend time chatting and getting to know others more intimately... and remember, not too serious yeah.Have a laugh, get drunk, go fu shi up, go bowling, play frisbee, walk/ hike, play pool, fish, shoot, dance, knit... whatever..... with other people. More importantly make sure its people your'e not trying to sell to, buy from or otherwise advance yourself in business/ finance.Also, when things get going in your business life, don't bore these people with ita) It usually is boring andb) they like you cos you're who you are- not what you are.​Worthwhile wastes of time- AKA Hobbies and interestsYep, I know I'm beating this drum to death- trust me, its important.If you're the active sort, go and do something physical, just drop the goals and the aims etc, especially if you're into bodybuilding or running etc. Swing on some bars or look up calisthenics if you want to use your muscles. Take a look at woodwork, building heavy things or something like that.Try not to replace your addiction to being an entrepreneur/ wantrepreneur with another addiction though.You're just killing a bit of time and giving yourself something to take your mind off of things. Using your body and mind for something other than 'trying to succeed'.Remember- no outcomes. You're doing what the soft headed teacher told you at school about just taking part and not winning.Although I like video games, I don't like to feeling I get after sitting down in front of screen for too long so I can't play them. I do love movies and gripping documentaries so probably watch about an hour a day and film or two at the weekends after the kids are in bed (usually with beer/ wine and snacks).A few years ago I would be sat the on my laptop or iPad 'looking things up'. I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy a few hours in the evening to watch a film. Jeez- what a waste.I've taken to building things and renovating my house- it's coming along quite well, I'm really improving my DIY skills and am amassing a fine array of tools. I've built a shed out the back, moved the kitchen from one end of the house to the other- according to the mortgage broker I've added nearly 50k to the value of my house.... what's important though is that I've really really enjoyed it. I have plans for many other things and am learning CAD (which I should know being in engineering anyway but this time its for fun) and am watching several CNC routers on eBay to further the fun.I also love growing and cooking food- not trying to be a masterchef or thinking about opening a restaurant- Just messing about with flavours and/or following recipes to the letter and switching off.This post isn't about me though- I just hope it's a decent example.The others I know are into motorbikes, following sport, also building things, also food and cooking, art/ painting/ drawing, animals etc etc- Find out what what floats your boat and go do some. Tie it in with other people for added enjoyment but also give yourself a bit of 'me time'.​Right- some businessey stuff.​Give yourself timeOkay, a kind of a reiteration here but as before.. bear with me.Take a step back and if needs be take some real time off of thinking about starting if you haven't done so yet. If you are in business and are feeling disillusioned, give yourself a bit of a break- systemise and consolidate a few things and try and get yourself on a plateau.​Of all the self-help and motivational things I hate most and feel are the most damaging- it's the 'It's only too late if you don't start now', 'Quit your job', 'Drop out of college' crap.If you want to start a business and get started, you would be far far better doing it small and part time alongside a job.I know you're tired on an evening and just can't get your brain to do something- I've been there.You're not thinking small enough yet, you're too caught up in whether you will be wasting time on something without an eventual payoff for it or whether it's worth it and will lead to the fast track of being a millionaire or more.Seriously, give yourself some space- take the next few weeks/ months to just enjoy doing nothing and then when you're ready- Start Really Small.If you're not sure what business to start- keep doing nothing. Stop resisting the real world- it will be there along with all it's wonderful opportunities when you come back to it. You'll hopefully be more realistic and willing to be a shade more mediocre when you come back.If you hate your job or someone in it, the next ones for you.​Figure out how to Tolerate Yourself and OthersAnd by others, I also mean other things.I actually think it's rare that we actually hate our jobs.I think it's more likely that we hate the fact that we are there.Whether it's because we feel too good for the job and it's inherent shortcomings or we can't really believe that we are on the same pay scale and worthiness as some of the dumb@sses we share our workplace with- we are really hating our belonging to that situation more than anything else.In order to move, and again this is the direct result of conversations with some of the successful people I know, we have to transcend the situation.Yes, we work alongside some horrible/ stupid/ pedantic/ lowly/ very special (not good special) people and hence in the eye of our colleagues and society we are on the same level as them.I feel for you and if we met I would quite possibly agree that you are better than them. Feeling bad about it isn't going to help you though so you must transcend.I'm not quite sure how the universe or its evolutionary system works (sorry Abrahamic religion people) but I think it's kind of a promotion system.I'd bet that the fish that made it onto the shore and grew legs were the descendants of the better of the fishes- I just don't think evolution created reptiles from the offspring of really crap fish- like 'Hey youre terrible at swimming and eating other smaller fish- you should try being a lizard".I think then, that it's kinda the same in society and as I said, in particular with my self made friends. Quite a few of them actually got into their present business by the way of an opportunity presented to them by being good at their previous jobs.It's similar to me as well. I ended with my 'day business' as I turned myself round and decided to start working hard at what I was doing and putting the troggs to the back of my mind.It got noticed and I was given several pay rises, I then ended up on the radar of my friends dad who owned his own business and asked me to run a project for him. 4 years later I'm flying and have invested in several other ventures/ people since.- Transcend and overcome the drudgery of what you are doing now while you are still there.Move on when its time and you're ready.​SystemisationI've decided to make this a separate post as it really covers too much for an already far too long post- I'll let you know when this is up fully but for now....Turn everything you do into a system.When you do eventually get going, think of every single step as something you might have to do again. Make a game out of making things into a system. Using either a basic paper notepad/ filing system or one of the free or built in word processors or spreadsheets, make a list of the things you are doing.It will speed up any rework, it will make you better at remembering things and it may force you into trimming wasted activities out of your day.You might feel silly writing down "Spend 4 hours browsing r/Entrepreneur" followed by "Watch 10 random guru videos back to back- but only halfway because they haven't given me the missing secret yet and the search must continue hastily"I promise I'll add more to this in the week but for now- Think 'Systemise It'.​The last couple of Dont'sI hope the majority of these items being dont's doesn't put you off- I do think you can do it if you get realistic and start being easier on yourself. Avoid things is easier than doing things and yields similar results. You don't have to run the 8 miles if you don't eat the extra donut (You can have one though!).A couple more things to avoid.Apps and online servicesTalking about what you're doing/ going to do.Apps and ServicesAny time spent looking at organisational, project management, CRM, email management, keyword/ adword, accounting, team comms etc etc etc apps, that you don't currently have a pressing need for is a complete waste of time.Especially if you are just starting out- by the time you need one the market will have changed and you will have to look though them all again.Trust me...been there and done that.Again, by all means have a browse. If you start evaluating them and heaven forbid buy any, you are fantasising and feeding your delusional side.Pen and paper works fine if not better than most apps. Particularly for a one man band or small team.​TalkingThe last but not be ignored thing I have noticed in others and has turned my life around since I stopped, is the ability to work on my stuff in silence and to keep one's counsel in general.If you need to tell people what you are doing, I think you are giving yourself some kind of reward internally. If you're getting the reward from telling your friends, family or colleagues- you won't feel the need to get the reward from selling or creating something when you finally get started.Bigging Up your business may have the same effect. You may not need to take it to the next level or wrap it up into a more passive income with the work being done by others if your ego is already getting it's hit.Secondly, it increases the anxiety towards the fact that you must be doing something right now. If you've told people you're going to move on from this situation and become a millionaire, your mind will be frantically looking towards things to do to make this happen.Until your opportunity has come along or you are ready for one, this could manifest itself in more addiction to the non worthy activities we've already been through.- Keep quiet until you get started.- When you do get started, continue being quiet about it.- If you're already in business, quieten up a bit.​​That wraps this one up and again I hope some of you find something useful.​​​​​​​