#i want everyone to know that peter parker watches buzzfeed unsolved and that's canon

[wiener-soldiers]

unsolved - peter parker

summary: “it’s a gen-z thing” or weird shit happens if you’re an avenger

words: 2.4k

warnings: my weird stark!reader post-blip, everything if fine and dandy au (welcome to the latest installment of eliza tries to erase the events of endgame)

a/n: this is a shit post but make it content (i saw the screenshot of the post on insta and immediately thought of this)

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved…”

You and Peter don’t listen to the rest of Ryan’s introduction as you are cuddled on the large sectional in the Avengers’ Tower common room. A bowl of popcorn and bags of candy from the bodega down the street surround the two of you, limbs intertwined underneath one of the plush cashmere Pepper insisted on keeping nearby (because someone always ends up too tired to make it back to their rooms on movie nights). Peter absentmindedly pulled apart gummy worms before eating them while he watched you attempt to throw popcorn up in the air and catching it in your mouth while laying your head in his lap. Admittedly, every time you miss, which was more often than not, he stole the piece himself before popping it in his mouth. Every time he did so, you scrunched your nose in disgust.

“That’s gross,” you tell him flatly.

“What’s gross?”

“You eating gummy worms and popcorn at the same time.”

“…What?”

You throw another piece of popcorn up in the air, this time landing in your mouth, “It’s sweet gummy worms, and buttery crunchy popcorn. Does that not…confuse your Peter-tingle?”

He groans, “Stop finding excuses to say ‘Peter-tingle!’”

“Happy says it!”

“That’s not a valid excuse and you know it,” he says, annoyed but amusement still evident in his eyes. He leans down to press a soft kiss on your forehead.

You smile against his lips before you say, “Do you find it a little weird that I consider Happy my Uncle and he’s dating May while we are dating?”

He pulls away and frowns immediately, “You had to make it weird, didn’t you?”

“You never answered my question.”

Peter stares at your face for a second, letting the thought sit with him. After a few moments, he shudders. “Let’s not think about it too much, it’s slightly too Game of Thrones for my liking,” he says before grabbing the remote to turn the TV volume up, the sound of Shane and Ryan bickering getting louder in return.

The two of you turn your attention back to the Unsolved: Supernatural playlist. With the both of you getting Blipped, you’ve missed five years worth of Unsolved episodes, obviously skipping any about the Blip because it’s still a little fresh for both of you.

“Don’t you think it’s a little weird that this boy ran away the day his mother died? If anything, I’d stay with my family,” Shane says, obviously skeptically of Ryan’s theory of a little boy got abducted by aliens.

“But now you’re assuming that he ran away! Look, his dad says he ran out of the hospital room. Then, he followed him outside after a few minutes, but he was gone!” Ryan exclaims in return.

“What if he just… ran into the forest? Looking for Goatman or whatever they have out in Ohio.”

“Who’s this episode about again?” you say with your mouth full of popcorn.

“Uh,” Peter mutters before checking the video description, “a kid named Peter Quill. Disappeared in 1988, apparently abducted by aliens.”

“Hmm,” you say before swallowing the popcorn, “who knows, maybe it’s true? I mean you’ve been to space, we all know aliens are real. Seems possible.”

“But, is it plausible? I mean what do aliens want with some scrawny kid? If they wanted food, why didn’t they go to a big city?”

“What are you guys watching?” Tony Stark says from behind you, leaning against the back of the couch. He reaches down to grab a handful of popcorn and you scowl.

“Dad!” you say, “Get your own!”

“It’s a big damn bowl, you can share,” he snickers before patting Peter on the shoulder.

“There have literally been alien invasions on this Earth! How can you not say this one doesn’t make sense!” Ryan exclaims, turning towards Shane.

Your Dad lets out a delighted sound. “I love the panicked one,” Tony says, “he seems like a funny guy.”

“So, you’re a Boogara!” you say excitedly while Peter groans.

“Not another one! All you Starks are Boogaras, the world needs more Shaniacs.”

“How can you possibly say that you’ve met aliens.”

As if on cue, another picture of the missing boy shows on the screen. This time, Peter and Tony study his face while you throw pieces of popcorn at your Dad.

Peter furrows his eyebrow and lets out a confused sound. You frown, analyzing his face as the episode continues to play. His lips are pursed, and you look back up at your Dad and find that he is wearing a matching expression.

“What?” you ask, confused.

Your Dad crosses his arms, “He looks…familiar.”

Peter nods in agreement, “Yeah, I swear I’ve seen him somewhere. Normally I’m good with faces, but this…”

Tony stares for a little longer before shrugging and walking away while mumbling, “Must be my subconscious or something.”

You look back at Peter before he says, “No, but I have definitely seen him before…”

All you can give your boyfriend is a supportive smile before saying, “Maybe you saw a screencap on Instagram or something.”

He nods, unconvinced. He ignores it though, continuing the Buzzfeed Unsolved marathon.

Weeks later, you and Peter get in the car with Happy to drive to the Avengers’ Upstate facility. The both of you live in New York fulltime (you in the Avengers Tower with Pepper, your step-sister Morgan, and your Dad and Peter with May) but make weekly trips to the Upstate compound so Peter can train and you can spend time with your Avengers’ Aunts and Uncles. As your Dad often made quick trips from Upstate to New York throughout the week, the smaller Quinjet was already parked on the large lawn when Happy pulled into the facility.

As you and Peter exit the car and step inside, you notice a lot of employees frantically running around while a timer was being projected on a large wall across from you.

An engineer runs by, trying to type something on a tablet while glancing at the timer every few seconds.

“Excuse me?” Peter calls out to the woman, who stops abruptly, pushing the glasses up her nose.

“Oh, hello Mr. Parker and Miss. Stark. Your father is in the control room and was wondering what time you’d get here,” she says quickly.

You smile at her, “Thanks but…what’s going on?”

“You haven’t heard?” she asks, taken aback. She points at the timer being projected, “We received an astronomically broadcasted encrypted message from an alien vessel a few days ago. Based on the timestamp of the message and how long the message took to be picked up by our satellites, we predict the vessel to arrive like…now.”

“Who sent the message?” you ask.

“Thor.”

Peter whips his head around to face you, and you do the same. You stare at each other in shock. It had been years since you had last had contact with Thor. Since coming back from the Blip, you and Thor spoke for a brief second before he left. It had been more than a year since you saw him.

“Are… you sure?” you ask.

She nods, “He used a method specific to our communication systems, one that I doubt imposters would know to use effectively. And the message was encrypted with the language your father made for all encrypted Avengers messages. No one else has the key—”

“Except for Avengers,” Peter finishes.

“And like…Pepper,” you add.

You say thanks to the woman before running hand-in-hand to the control room. As soon as the door opens, you and Peter stumble inside. The large room on the highest floor of the building had floor-to-ceiling windows that made up two walls. Rows of people seated at monitors all monitored the vessel, which was already entering the Earth’s atmosphere. A wall-sized screen covered one of the walls, which showed a map of the vessel’s projected path beside the same timer projected downstairs.

Your Dad stood beside Steve who was standing beside Bruce who exchanged encrypted messages with the ship as it landed. Clint and Bucky stood in front of the window, looking up at the sky. Nat was seated at a computer beside them with Wanda, who were analyzing the specs of the ship. Sam, Vision, and Rhodey were all suited up outside, flying around the perimeter of the compound.

“Dad!” you say as you and Peter and approach.

Steve and Tony both turn around with stern looks before both of their faces soften at the sight of the two teenagers who weaseled their way into everyone’s hearts.

“Hey, kids. I’m assuming you heard,” your Dad says.

You nod frantically, “Are you sure it’s him?”

Bruce calls from behind them, still typing, “Like 98% sure, sweetheart. He was able to tell me about our…adventures in an alien gladiator ring, for the lack of a better explanation.”

“And the other 2%?”

“He keeps making Footloose references? And other 80s references in general.”

“They’re here,” Bucky calls out, staring wide-eyed with Clint at the window.

Everyone turns to face the window, watching an orange alien ship descend onto the lawn.

As everyone is distracted, you turn around and attempt to sneak out of the room to meet Thor when he exits the ship. Two steps later, someone significantly stronger than you picks you up. Your turn your head slightly and see Steve dragging you back beside Peter.

“Uncle Steve!”

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself, kid. Unless we know that it’s Thor and whoever he’s with isn’t a threat, the both of you are staying here,” he says sternly, looking to both you and Peter.

“But—”

“He’s right,” your Dad says before putting his EDITH glasses on. “If either of you gets hurt, Pepper and May will have my necks.”

You frown and sit down, and Peter follows suit, visibly upset he can’t see an alien spaceship up close. Bucky throws Steve his shield and the rest of the Avengers file out of the control room, leaving the rest of those cleared to work in the control room and two sulking teenagers in the room.

You and Peter roll towards the computer that Bruce was sitting it, which is now unoccupied.

“You think there are any games on here?” Peter asks suggestively as he logs back onto the computer.

“You’re kidding right?” you say, annoyed, “Of course there are games on here. This is Michael’s desk, there’s probably Galaga, or Minecraft if we’re lucky.”

Fortunately, there was indeed Minecraft and you and Peter spent half an hour exploring a world called ‘If Mike Was an Avenger.’ Peter even switched the game-mode to Creative and spent a solid five minutes spawning villagers and random animals in Michael’s house. After playing for a while, the two of you decided to continue your Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural playlist. You were on your third episode before your Dad came back, signaling that you could come to see Thor.

You followed him into the medical wing where you could see Thor seated on a medical bed with a group of people: some Avengers, another man you’ve never seen before, and a group of…beings that were definitely aliens.

As soon as you caught sight of him, you took off. You barreled into the room and launched yourself into Thor’s arms. Though caught off-guard, he lets out a hearty chuckle, standing up and spinning you in a circle. You laugh in delight as Peter and your Dad walk back into the room.

As soon as he sets you down you punch him in the torso. It was obviously not enough to even phase him, but he looks at you in shock.

“What was that for?” he asks, his heavy Asgardian accent coming through. You take a moment to glance at Thor. His hair was tied in a half-up bun while he wore dark pants and an athletic shirt (which probably belonged to Steve). He wasn’t as fit as he was when you first met him, but his beer-bod had gone away significantly.

You point a finger accusingly at him, “You left! Again! You can’t just keep disappearing and not tell us.”

“I’m truly sorry, Lady (Y/N),” Thor says, putting a hand on your shoulder. “I was assisting my new friends, who you may have recognized.” He gestures to the band of misfits scattered around the room; a giant green and veiny muscular man, a girl with antennas, a…racoon?, a tall tree who kept poking random things in the room, and a regular-looking man with styled side-burns that you didn’t know people in the 21st century still did.

“These are the Guardians of the Galaxy,” Thor says while nudging you, “and I’ve sort of become their leader.”

“You’re not our leader,” the human one says.

“Well, more like honorary—”

“No, not even. I’m the leader,”

“Yeah, sure you are,” the raccoon says and your eyes bulge out of your head slightly.

The man rolls his eyes and steps towards you, sticking out your hand to shake, “I’m Peter Quill, by the way.”

You immediately pull your hand from his and stare at his face. Peter pushes past Bruce and Bucky to stand beside you, analyzing his face. Instantaneously, all the puzzle pieces click.

“You’re—” you start, shocked.

“OH MY GOD. RYAN BERGARA WAS RIGHT,” Peter yells, whipping his face frantically around the room.

“What—” Quill starts before getting cut-off by you and Peter jumping up excitedly and yelling at him.

“You were abducted by aliens in 1988—”

“Outside of a hospital in Missouri—”

“Your Dad wanted to give you space so he waited a few minutes before he came out to find you—”

“But by the time you were already gone—”

“And everyone thought your case would remain—”

“Unsolved!”

Both you and Peter take a breath, looking at Peter for acknowledgment. He gives you a curt, bewildered nod in confirmation, sending you and Peter off into an excited frenzy. You immediately pull out your phone while Peter sits in front of the room’s desktop to pull up the Unsolved episode about Peter. The adults in your room look very confused, except for Tony. He smugly saunters to the center of the room and puts an arm around Peter’s shoulder as he types.

“It’s a Gen-Z thing,” he says, desperately trying to act like the Cool Dad.

Peter Quill takes a deep breath before sitting onto the nearest chair and rubbing a hand over his face. Apparently, he had missed a lot.