#i understand why people start hrt without telling anyone. my god it's so much easier and no one can try to convince you not to do it.

[non-un-topo]

See I would try to socially transition for a few years first, except no one refers to me as he/they

[aquarianlights]

I'm preaching to the choir here, but I'm gonna say it anyways.

Pants sizes. Jesus fucking christ.

I'm a transman, but I have not started HRT yet as my doctor doesn't think it is medically and psychologically safe for me (yet). That doesn't mean I don't wear men's clothing. However...the one thing I do wear a mixture of is female and male pants.

To get you guys in perspective, in guys pants. I'm a 28/30. And that's only because I can never find anything lower than 28. 28 is about maybe 2ish sizes too big for me. And 30 is too long. So really I'd be more of a 26/28. . .but that really doesn't happen. Hence why I usually shop in the little boys section. 28 is even almost impossible to find.

Yesterday I was in the mall doing some much needed pants shopping (I've had two pairs for about 2 years so I was finally able to get new ones). I, ofc, tried on an assortment of men's and women's pants.

Guess fucking what?

All the stores I go to are average. Not large, not small. I'm above average in size, probably bigger than most actually, but not enough to shop in the plus size section. But my number in boys jeans fit me that way, as stated above. Which is so nice because THEY’RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME... then I get to women's pants.......

One store, I'm a size 6. Another store, I'm a size 14. I can't even tell you all the number differences between that. And it just frustrates the hell out of me (and I'm sure everyone else). As someone who has struggled with anorexia since early childhood, fitting into a size 14 and being so comfortable in them that I just had to get them almost made me have a breakdown. I'm glad I got them coz they're comfortable af but. I've never been in the double digits until I started on antipsychotics. And even then, the highest I ever went was a size 10.

And I just don't understand..... I have a woman's hourglass figure. I have hips. Ridiculous hips. I hate them with a passion because it means I can never button the very last button on men's fitted shirts (like dress shirts) because they're made for people without hips. Obvs, HRT is gonna help with that but it could very well be a while with my current medical situation. I still have two weeks to wait on my arthritis and general rheumatoid blood work and I'm gonna have to get another draw for lupus very soon. And financially? Hrt is not a reality right now.

So what even.

And I'm trying to get a vest to go over a dress suit for suave business casual and what happens? All the fucking men's vests are ridiculously huge in the shoulder area and super wide in the chest area. Everything fits perfectly......except I'd have to get a seamstress to cinch the shoulders by maybe 3 inches and tighten the chest area by a few inches, too. I'm thoroughly frustrated and honestly a little distraught at sizing issues.

I fit an XL shirt in the little boys section, sometimes just an L. I go in to find fitted shirts and a vest in the men's section and I end up in a SM size. I have rarely been able to fit anything above an XSM in men's clothing. Normally I'm an XXSM in men's but that's hard to find. And women's shirts? I'm a medium (as long as I'm in the petite juniors section). Sometimes I have to up it to L, but there are some occasions where a SM is perfect (AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK).

I don't understand why we can't have universal MEASURED sizes.....like on men's jeans. It makes so much sense and makes everything so much easier. Why the actual fuck do we bother with all this other bullshit? ESPECIALLY in women's clothing. I feel so badly for girls, especially those suffering from EDs, who have to shop and go through what I do every time I shop for clothing. It's a little easier for me coz I shop mostly in the men’s department...but I remember when I was forced to be closeted and had to buy in the women's section and every goddamn shopping trip ended with me in a panic attack by the time I got to the car.

And I just wanted to put it out there.......you guys and gals and whomever inbetween..... your size does not define you. I have horrible anorexia that I am trying so hard to overcome and this sizing bullshit, especially in women's clothing, has fucked me up even worse than when I was a child. When I was in elementary school, I used to eat paper instead of food because I thought you had to eat "something" to exist but I thought eating food would make me fat since my parents were always poking at my tummy and reminding me over and over again that "you can't have that. You'll get fat." or "Are you really going to eat that? You just ate a whole bowl of macaroni yesterday. Why don't you wait until tomorrow." And that's not even including any societal pressures we ALL face.

I'm about 130lbs right now at 5'2". To put that in perspective for sizing.

To everyone who struggles with this..... I feel you. I'm there with you. I don't think I will ever stop being there. You are not alone. Sizing in America is fucked. Idk about other countries, but America is fucked in general so ofc sizing is FUCKED. But you know what?

You are fucking beautiful no matter what you wear. You are a goddess. A god. Whichever you're feeling. Or something inbetween. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are incredible and strong and courageous and you have the power to fucking destroy this pain that eats away at you telling you not to have that coffee from Starbucks this morning because of the calories and sugar content and whatever else.

Finding out I most likely have lupus or have some sort of major liver damage has made me think "You know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck America. Fuck sizing. Fuck trying to stave off all the sodium and calories and fat content and everything else on that label. Fuck reading every content label and scanning it with apps that promote ana and mia. Fuck that." This is coming from a boy who used to have his own pro-ana blog, btw. 

No. Don't fucking go there. Don't let this world and its sizing destroy you. Don't fucking let it. Don't. I'm crying as I'm typing this because I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to everyone else who needs to hear it.

You CAN go out of your house in the morning. You're not “too fat” to leave your apartment. You're not “too fat” to stay locked in your room all day because you feel you're too big to be seen in public. When I don't leave the house, that's the exact reason why. I cannot even TELL YOU how many opportunities in my life I have let slip by me because of that train of thought. "You're too fat and ugly to leave the house today. You need to lock yourself in your room and never be seen again." Don't. Fucking don't. Get out there. Wear what you want. Wear what makes you happy....what makes you comfortable... idc what size you are. Fat is not a bad word. It's not. And the media and society wants you to see it as such and internalize that and kill yourself over it.

Don't. Let. It. Win. Keep fucking fighting.

If you're not comfortable with your body, by all means, take steps to change it if it is medically and chemically possible. But don't risk your life over a number. Or many numbers. Fuck the scale. Fuck sizes. Fuck your self hatred because you're beautiful and I know you may not see that... but you are. Everyone is beautiful in so many different ways.

The quote I like to reference the most is something like: “Just because you don't find yourself attractive doesn't mean other people don't. You just may not be your own type.”

Those people staring at you? They’re admiring something on you. Most people don’t have the courage to just walk up to someone and tell them they’re staring at them because of this or that. Luckily, I don’t have anxiety issues so I can just go right up to people and be like “Yo, I’m so sorry if you saw me staring at you, but your hair is legit just mesmerizing. Like. I’m really sorry I was staring. It’s just so gorgeous. What dye did you use?” Most people can’t do that and I know. I’ve never dealt with anxiety myself, but I do deal with panic attacks and I cannot function at all if I’m having an internal or external panic attack (my attacks are purely physical, hence Panic Disorder and not any sort of anxiety spectrum). So I mean, I get it to an extent. But just know... most people don’t do what I do. They silently stare at you and try not to catch your eye because they’re ADMIRING SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. Ngl, not 100% of the time. . .but I’d say a good 98% of the time, that’s the case.

So you go out there. . .you be you. . .and you be fierce. Because you’re awesome, you’re gorgeous, and I believe in you. So many others do, too.

((I needed to write this for myself, but I guess I wanted to make it public for anyone else struggling. So. . .here. Coz I mean it.))