#i understand this must be hard to live with tho but paradoxically i think you're being very fair merely by wondering if you're being unfair

[bloggingboutburgers]

hello there. i noticed you sometime give advice related to qprs so i thought i should go to you. you can ignore this though no worries

so i am in a qpr, but i am also non-partnering + am no longer connected to the queerplatonic label. if it were with anyone else, i wouldn't be in a qpr or any other kind of partnership. (i got into the qpr before i realized i was non-partnering)

while i am comfortable labeling our relationship as a qpr, i am worried that it's really one-sided and unfair? like i don't give enough care into our label, and i notice they talk about it way more than i do. it's like they enjoy the label way more than i do, and their partner should match the same energy. but i don't.

they say they're happy and fulfilled but idk. is it really right for me to be in a qpr if it's not something i actively want?

thank you for reading.

I think in a lot of ways, I can relate with you tbh – I hope that's OK to say.

I also didn't have any plans on getting any kind of partner before by queerplatonic partner offered the idea of a qpr, and I kind of went into it in a very shruggy anticlimatic way at first – which took them aback a fair bit. I also think if it weren't for them offering, and their orientations being so compatible with mine in what we're OK or not OK with, I may very well never have been in a qpr.

There's also some words they're comfortable with using that I'm not – notably the word "dating", which I always do a double-take on, even though for some reason I'm OK with the occasional word "date" to talk about our hangouts (I guess it's because I don't necessarily perceive it quite as romantic-coded since the word "playdate" is used for kids for instance? idk).

I also worry similarly at times that I'm not as comfortable with some words or labels as they are. But in fairness, I guess I've tried as much as I could to match their enthusiasm on a fair amount of things in my own way, to do them justice – well, I really shouldn't say "tried". It never felt like effort or a chore. And it never was to the point where I felt I had to bend my own personality or identity out of shape. A lot of the time it seems we're also both very happy to each take things at our own personal rhythms.

But also and most importantly... From what I can remember, whenever I bring up doubt, my partner also tells me they're happy and fulfilled – and if there's a problem, they'll bring it up – so I trust them. So... I guess I can only encourage you to do the same? The way I see it, as long as you're vibing with that person and with the relationship you have, however it's labelled, and as long as it doesn't feel like a chore, something uncomfortable, or something you're forcing yourself to bear with every day, I don't think you're being unfair, and I think you have every right. It doesn't have to be something you actively want, as long as it's something you like!

If you're just going through the motions and not comfortable with your situation and just putting up a front, though, that's a different story, it's not quite as fair to you or them and it could build resentment which could turn into something worse. But it doesn't have to be that way, and it could very well be that you're happy with what you have and just don't use the same words as your partner to describe your shared situation, and honestly, that's OK in my book, as long as it's OK with them as well! You're not expected to be the same person and process things the same way, as long as you each know how the other feels and are OK with that I think it's the most important, and it's plenty fair.