#i truly cannot get over the line 'you thought someone might succumb to domination if it was clad in the form of salvation'

[beldaroot]

“magic and medicine, the scales keep a distorted peace.” - witch hat atelier chapter 59

[jillmckenzie1]

My Personal Emergency Evacuation

About a month ago, my hometown caught on fire. I exaggerate you not that Basalt, Colorado is beyond blessed to still be standing (and may all the Lake Christine firefighters have a special place in heaven for their tireless efforts).

Credit: Robert Parker, Lake Christine

It’s a rather surreal feeling to hear that some of your dearest friends are evacuating their homes in a place that you spent your entire childhood. It’s nearly impossible to not transplant yourself into such a scenario, and it was in this state of empathy that I had a very cathartic realization about my past attachment, and current detachment, from things.

For many years, I used possessions to feel something. I was in a toxic marriage in which I felt anything but loved. Physical touch was a distant part of our relationship. My ex-husband was more concerned about asserting his dominance over me than participating in a symbiotic partnership. But, money, we had money. So, buying things felt good. I could run my fingers over those things and know that they were real. I could put on new clothes and get compliments for those things being new.

My love language is “words of affirmation,” so on a very basic level, I needed those compliments. They were my life jacket in an abyss of deep, dark waters. As a single person, I spent the last three years in constant introspection around what it means to love and to be loved, both for humanity and for myself. I’ve come to a stark realization about the weight that I naturally put on words. I do not take them lightly. If you tell me something, I believe it to the core of my being, and while I’m terrible at accepting compliments, there is something about a compliment that tattoos itself into the soft spaces of my soul. So, words, yes, they are my kryptonite.

Hear me, future significant other. Don’t buy me flowers. They die (seriously, still evaluating how flowers are a sound financial investment). But, tell me I’m smart and pretty, and I’ll be wrapped around your finger.

Some backstory. I spent my 20’s as a high school English teacher and varsity basketball coach, which is (sadly) a rather thankless job. I cannot articulate in enough words what this career did for my personal growth, and I have endless respect for those who are committed to this work, but I was dying. I loved every single kid that ever graced my classroom (okay, there are a couple that I might use a different verb to describe), but even amidst that love, I was becoming a hollow version of myself. So, somewhere on the brink of 30-years-old, I realized that I needed to make choices to initiate change or succumb to living – and eventually dying – inside of my emptiness.

Professionally, I felt like I was living in a vacuum. Personally, I felt like I was living in a prison.

Ultimately, I gained the confidence to leave both the unfulfilling career and marriage (in that order). But, I held on to my love for things through both separations. Because, things give your fingers something to feel when your body is aching to believe that you are not the only person on the planet wallowing in heartbreak. 

To be honest, it’s been almost like an out-of-body experience to witness both my obsession with and separation from materialism.

I would argue that I subconsciously learned my way into this state, and that I have also subconsciously learned my way out. I grew up blessed to have access to all the things I ever really wanted, but I only moderately cared about acquiring more stuff. If anything, my obsessions stopped at getting the Jordan XI’s in pink snakeskin and the Adidas Copa Mundials.

When I met my (now) ex-husband, he repeatedly told me how I didn’t have enough style, that he would never want to be with someone who wasn’t into fashion. Yes, that should have been my first clue to abort. But, abort I did not. In my insecurity, I repeatedly believed that my worth was attached to those words. So, I tried endlessly to do enough to obtain this arbitrary status, never really understanding when the finish line would arrive, if at all. But, in the pursuit, I acquired things. So. Many. Things. And, without even realizing it, there I was, sitting in my stuff. Stuff that was making me feel worthy of being loved.

When I found myself living alone again, I slowly started to feel suffocated by my things. The more confident I became in my ability to stand alone, the less I needed a closet full of clothes to masque my lack of confidence.

When I moved from Boise to Sun Valley last winter, I naturally left all of my furniture behind, but I can still pinpoint a very strong connection to certain things to which I attached the pronoun “my.” When I made the decision to move into the Airstream, I became less interested in those things. And, three months into living in the Airstream, I now notice an

Credit: Robert Parker, Basalt, Colorado

even deeper lack of interest. In the process of my initial downsize, I distinctly remember wanting to keep all of my clothes and justifying a reason for nearly every piece of apparel. Yet, I currently wear the same outfits on repeat every week (and, quite frankly, I give zero fucks). Don’t get me wrong, I’m a total snob when it comes to my technical gear, and I really do have a reason for nearly every item that I own in that regard, but when it comes to my everyday life, give me ten pairs of black high-waisted lululemon leggings, some tank tops, and a couple hoodies, and I’m golden.

Fast forward a few more months to the end of July, and when I heard that the Lake Christine Fire was endangering so many people and so many places that I love, I instinctively thought about what so many of my friends were going through who still call this place home. I wondered what it would be like for someone to have a finite amount of time to gather his or her most important material things, load them in the car, and evacuate to safety.

Then, it hit me. This is my current state of existence. I have managed to narrow down the most important things I own into the backseat of my Yukon (hello, snowboard gear) and 100 square feet of an aluminum travel trailer. Yes, I did it out of choice and without danger looming in the background. And, yes, I humbly admit that I had ample time to

Credit: Robert Parker, Lake Christine

evaluate these decisions. In no way can I begin to resonate with the fear that one would feel in a scenario defined by the words “emergency evacuation,” and I’ve had enough conversations with my hometown friends to realize that the terror is truly incomprehensible.

But, nonetheless, here I am. On the other side of my own relative emergency evacuation. Stripped down. With a closet that is probably one-sixteenth the size of my closet from five years ago. And more joy than I thought could possibly fit inside of one human heart.

What I was able to take away from this small sliver of consciousness was my detachment from something, or some things, that used to numb my reality. I had allowed myself to get to a place where I looked in the mirror only to see a shell of my own skin. Then, one morning I woke up to the most authentic version of my being. At some undefined moment. Without any premeditated goal. Unbeknownst to myself. Somewhere along the way, I had changed. Again. Or, back. And, the momentary self-awareness to my transformation allowed my spirit to exhale. My clenched hands relaxed. My shoulders softened. I realized that I could lose everything and feel like nothing less of a human. I, Stephanie Leigh Kemp, didn’t need any of that stuff anymore.

Things. They can be replaced. I love what I have and am lucky to have it, but I am detached from it carrying significant worth.

Extraordinary life experiences. Deep human connections. Honest words spoken from truthful tongues. These are the epicenter of the world that I want to create for myself.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/my-personal-emergency-evacuation/

[cloudcreampie]

Screaming Daisies 🌼

[Short story: October 1, 2015] Bad names, that is what people always call me; bad names. I do not understand. I am not a result; I am an occurrence, an event unto myself. I am an enigma, a physical epitome, but I do nothing. You blame me anyway, and I let you. What is that? Do I remember the boy? The one with raven hair and soft features? How could I not?  It was his eyes that lured me, that piercing electric-blue shade; luminous and beautiful. He was a bitter soul, pale like his skin, cold like his eyes. I found him just after sunset, in a basement with a single window for a light source, in a house with a well designed façade filled with flowers, mostly daisies. A classic black Pontiac Firebird 1977 was parked by the driveway, which only meant that his father was home. “We’re here again. Always in the dark”, the boy, Lee says, with forced optimism. “We’re like germs. We thrive in the dark”, a response.  Lee laughs, “Cal, you are such a nerd,” a light knee slap. “What gave me away, the glasses or the braces?” he asks. “Neither, it’s your floppy brown hair”, Lee winks and chuckles. Slumped to the floor in silence, the sliver of light hitting Lee’s face; his mood changes. “I’m sick of this, Cal. When will dad ever let me be? I’m tired of him telling me what to do all the time; how to feel, how to react. I’m seventeen. I’m entitled to primary freedom”, Lee sighs, a hopeless sigh. The boy is troubled, angry at his father’s domineering ways. “After mom died, he wanted me to be like him: heartless and indifferent, but I’m not like that. Unlike him, I actually care about peoples’ feelings, mental states, and pent-up emotions. I want to give justice to the just. I want to be a lawyer too, just not his kind.” A rustle, “That does not give him the right to keep you in here, Lee. No one has the right to shut you in here like this”, then the sound of bitter sobbing. “Shh, Shh”, a whisper, then intertwined fingers, “Dry those eyes, Lee. We’ll get you out of here.Put this night’s great business into my dispatch.” Lee sniffs, his voice, cracked, “What do you mean?” “Act one, scene six, lines seventy-nine to eighty. You remember Macbeth in junior year, right? How we wanted to join the school play but your dad wouldn’t let us?” he asks. “Yeah, of course”, Lee nods, “Why?” “Well, this is our chance”, a glint of mischief in his eyes. “I’m not following”, Lee says, confused as ever, biting his lip as he does when he is nervous. “I say we play Macbeth and kill King Duncan”, says a smirk on red lips. “Kill dad?! Cal, don’t you think that’s ridiculously over-the-top?” Lee asks anxiously.  “Lee, Lee. Listen, okay? I’m sick of never getting out of here. I care about you, I do. I cannot bear seeing you like this anymore. Why won’t you let me do this for you?” trepidation, silence. “You really care?” Lee sniffs again, eyes filled with tears, “I thought no one cared anymore.” “Yes, I do, believe me. Let’s do this”, he pleads, a palm caressing a cheek. Lee shivered as if a cold gust of wind has hit him. “I believe you, Cal, and I care about you too”, Lee says, “But he’s my dad, if we should fail-“ “We fail? But screw your courage to the sticking place and we’ll not fail. Act one scene seven, lines sixty-nine to seventy”, says a devilish grin. “False face must hide what the false heart doth know, Act one scene seven, lines ninety-five to ninety-six”, another deep sigh. “Okay, let’s do it.” Lee gives in, unsure but steadfast. The boy exits through the window; he ends up on the lawn, bathed in moonlight. He opens the front door covertly, like a secret agent, a wicked 007. He stealthily makes his way to the kitchen, grabbing a Messermeister Meridian 9-Inch Chef’s Knife and glances at his reflection on the large hallway mirror. He heads upstairs to the study where his father stays, reviewing cases and plotting the downfall of corporations until the wee hours. I can recall how even his soul had quite a temper, rage-red, and hot as iron; quite the opposite of Lee’s mom. She was pastel, lilac and subtle as a violet in the wind. When she died, the goodness in Lee’s dad followed suit. Lee peeked, half his face visible through the crack in the door. His palms were sweaty, his pulse quickened, his lips suddenly ravenously dry, the knife he wielded, shaking. “Come on, Lee. Do it”, a voice echoes, “Do it.” Lee moves with manic, anomalous speed; opening the door fully, grabbing his dad from behind and lacerating his throat, grazing his Omohyoid muscle, leaving him with no time to even struggle. Lee’s dad gags on his hot blood and falls from his swivel chair clutching his throat, and faces his attacker. His eyes are full of fury and shock when they meet with Lee’s, and he takes a last draw of breath, then succumbs. For a moment, Lee thought he saw regret and compassion. “You did it, Lee.”  Lee faces left and then looks back at his dad, then realizes the horror of the situation. “Cal, what have I done? I have done the deed”, Lee looks around to see the gore on the walls and on the carpet, petrified. “Go get some water and wash this filthy witness from your hand, act two scene-” he starts, but is cut off. “Stop, Cal. I killed my dad!” Lee screams in disbelief, and suddenly quiets. “You- You put me up to this”, Lee points the blade at him. “You don’t really care about me; you’ve just made my life a living hell,” Lee’s voice is hoarse, raw with wrath, “You made me kill my dad!” A shake of the head, “Tsk, tsk, tsk. Lee, oh Lee. Why do you think you named me Calvary? I didn’t make you kill your dad, that was what you wanted, and now you have to live with it.”  Lee lunges to strike and freezes when he realizes that the blade had done nothing. “Trying to kill the only person who understands you, huh? That’s how you thank me?” chuckles, “you can’t kill me. I’m you.” Lee stands there, wide-eyed and incredulous, “What do you-“ “I’m you alter ego, a split personality. You created me so that someone would accompany you in your lonely head. Did you really think someone would want to be with you? Come on, Lee. Wake up to the real world”, demonic laughter. Lee stares at the knife in his hand, “No, impossible”, he says, and blacks out. The blue-eyed boy wakes up before dawn in the pitch-black obscureness of the basement, drenched in cold sweat. He looks around and guffaws like a madman, “It’s all a dream, I’m not crazy,” he takes a breath, “Whew.” When he gets a hold on himself, he drags himself to the spot where the single beam of light is and terror surges through him when he sees the blood on his clothes, on his hands, on the floor. His attention quickly shifts to the corner, “Hello, Lee. You don’t really think this is a dream, do you?” he asks slyly. Lee fondled for the knife on the ground, bolted to the door and found it unlocked. He stopped to see if someone was following, and ran up the stairs. Lee’s left foot looked like it was being pulled down but I saw no one tugging at it. Lee managed to scramble out the door but he tripped on the steps, impaling himself with the knife. At that moment, I sought to see the world through different eyes. “I will not yield-”, he said to himself, smirking, looking up at the sunrise, the knife embedded in his chest cavity, profusely bleeding. He dies there just like his father, blue eyes open; his blood splattered on the innocent flowers, where The Serpent lay beneath, rejoicing. I never truly understood why he would always talk to himself, especially in that basement, as if he was talking to someone else, an imaginary friend perhaps. I thought at first he might have been talking to me, Life. But, I realized that no one could talk to me, being unseen and imperceptible as I am.  I have lived longer than this world, than any of you. I have witnessed many abhorrent events throughout my existence, but the story of this boy, out of everything, has haunted me till this day. He was a divine soul, then corrupted, and fallen like so many others.  I loved him, sympathized with his every affliction, rejoiced at his triumphs, and pitied his unhealthy obsession with freedom; his deadly ambition. It almost enough to drive me to my limits and bring him back, but I cannot interfere with human activity, that is not my decision to make. After all, I am but a subservient, an apprentice, a temp. This is all I have left to say: Lee, my old friend, deserved better than to have lived and died the way he did. I now reside in the house that tortured him, to remind me of his story, and to tend to the screaming flowers. I have kept his copy of the play, Macbeth and have found that they have both died gruesomely for the things they valued most. I want him to know that if I ever did have a heart, it has long been buried with him. The End

[alienation2016-blog]

New Post has been published on Alienation

New Post has been published on https://alienation.biz/the-2011-us-economy-things-are-looking-up/

The 2011 US Economy: Things Are Looking Up!

As we mirror again on 2010 and contemplate what lies in advance for the U.S. Economic system in 2011. There is not any scarcity of optimism with the aid of Wallstreet analyst and economist that the U.S. Economy will maintain to enlarge and recover in 2011. This optimism comes along with improving financial signs which have been on the upswing for a number of months. As a result of the higher monetary news, the Dow Jones Industrial Average recently closed at the very best tiers considering that June 25, 2008. Some of the high-quality financial news consists of; increasing bank lending, decrease “preliminary” unemployment coverage claims, growing long lasting items orders, increasing U.S. Exports, and accelerated retail and vehicle sales. One of the most encouraging and crucial portions of suitable news is the growth in client spending.

The significance of Consumer Spending:

The economy is measured with the aid of GDP (Gross Domestic Product). GDP is described as the entire marketplace value of all very last goods and offerings produced in a country (in a given 12 months) same to the full patron, funding and authorities spending, plus the value of exports minus the value of imports. The United States has the biggest GDP of any u . S . A . At about $14.75 trillion greenbacks. Historically, the GDP growth fee has been at approximately 2.5-three% in keeping with 12 months. Some analyst speculate that U.S. GDP ought to grow with the aid of as tons as three-3.5% in 2011. The increased projections in 2011 U.S. GDP growth is in part a end result of renewed spending by way of purchasers. Consumer spending debts for approximately 65-70% of GDP. In December 2008, client spending went all the way down to $nine.Nine trillion bucks from over $10.2 trillion dollars (6 months earlier). A record issued closing month (12/23/10) placed customer spending at $10.Fifty two trillion bucks. This is excellent information for the stock market as well as the economy! Simultaneously, even as consumers have been curbing spending in 2008, they started paying down debt. Total patron debt (revolving and non-revolving) reduced from $2.6 trillion in 2008 to about $2.4 trillion in December 2010. The federal authorities realizes how vital patron spending is to economic increase. So tons that in December 2010, the President and Congress agreed to reduce the worker part of FICA (payroll tax) for 2011 from 6.2% to four.2%. Employees ought to at once see a bottom line boom in their paychecks. The government hopes the pay increase could be spent inside the financial system, rather than paying down consumer debt. As a result of accelerated purchaser spending got here will increase in retail save income, vehicle sales, income tax receipts (for states that have sales taxes). The Commerce Department pronounced in December 2010 that retail sales at stores starting from vehicle sellers to grocers rose 7.9% from a year ago and usual sales passed their pre-recession peak. While maximum economist are downplaying the chance of a double-dip recession, no one could deny there are some “headwinds” in front of U.S. Economic growth. Those pitfalls include the European debt crisis, high oil expenses, stagnant real property market, and excessive unemployment.

Current unemployment scenario:

The cutting-edge unemployment price stands at 9.4%, decreased from nine.Eight% in December 2010. Prior to the recession unemployment stood at approximately 4.2%. While reductions inside the unemployment fee are commonly appropriate, the latest reduction passed off because human beings became discouraged and stopped seeking out paintings. When this happens the ones individuals are not counted in the unemployment price. There are presently about 14.4 million human beings officially unemployed, however the real unemployed range is in the direction of 25.6 million human beings. High unemployment is glaringly an anchor on the financial system. There are currently approximately 311 million humans within the U.S. In order to keep up with populace boom and decrease unemployment to pre-recession degrees the economy desires to create about 200,000 jobs in keeping with month. In 2010, the financial system created on common approximately ninety four,000 jobs in step with month. Obviously, this is better than dropping jobs every month however it isn’t top enough to sell a healthful and colourful economic system. Economist are looking ahead to extended task boom sooner or later in 2011. While time will inform whether or now not 2011 lives up to all of the optimism, there’s no question that the U.S. Economy has survived the brink of catastrophe. But let us take into account that after the economic system is returned on “firm footing,” the U.S. Desires to deal with the developing National Debt, which is in excess of $14 trillion greenbacks.

  Is the Economy Getting Better Or Worse?

  Many humans are watching and hoping for this very volatile economy to enhance. Some assets are reporting that there seems to be little flickers of wish that the economic system has turned the corner. Some speculators think that the economy is enhancing at the same time as others say that we are headed for some other decline.

I like being tremendous. But being effective does no longer change matters which might be outdoor of my manage. I might definitely like to see the economy turn round and for matters to development in a wonderful route. But what has an impact on and control do I have over our national economy and the worldwide economy?

Many humans today are hoping and praying for things to improve; so am I. On the alternative hand, there are individuals who, because of the effect of the financial system on their lives, are determined for something to happen very soon. An improvement within the economic system may be outdoor of our control, however there’s something that you can manage. Too many people pass over that option.

I can not manipulate taxes, are you able to? I cannot control unemployment and inflation, can you? I cannot control the out of manage government spending, can you? (Well, I wager I can solid my vote towards the big spenders, but there may be no guarantee the next man or woman in workplace might not do the equal things.)

So what can someone do? Are we to simply sit down here ready and hoping for things to get higher? And if there is some other decline, then what? Or, is there some thing that we’ve got absolute manage over right now? Yes, there’s.

It is continually in my electricity to change my personal life regardless of the economic system and governmental constraints. I fully take into account that occasionally the ones matters may make it extra difficult, but I am still in control of my own lifestyles and hence, I manipulate my personal destiny. I can change who I am.

No, this isn’t always just a few exceptional high-quality thinking verbiage to make one experience excellent. This isn’t ignoring the records by using pronouncing, “Just be fine and the whole lot will be best.” This is the way to live above the instances and conditions you are surrounded with.

What a wonderful issue God gave to each man or women: loose will. Every one folks has it. We each have the liberty to pick the thoughts that we assume. But few sincerely realize how effective those thoughts can be, and how lifestyles converting they truly are.

Scores of people wait and desire that the economic system will improve. Many have turned out to be afraid of what’s going to manifest to them if matters worsen. But they placed forth no attempt to change their very own lives no matter what’s coming or not coming.

Others have succumbed to the placement that if matters do get worse, then the authorities will simply have to attend to all of us. How naïve can human beings be? How have so many people been duped into looking to the government to provide for their lives?

But some humans have diagnosed, understood, and taken movement on the one thing that can be modified. By converting it, they know that it’ll sincerely alternate their life, regardless of the condition and conditions. They keep in mind that their dominant thoughts determine their life.

You can name it the Law of Attraction, or the Law of Vibration, or any range of catchy terms. Almost every self help e book or direction will in a few form or some other say that you exchange your external occasions by first changing your internal thinking. It is a regulation of the universe that works for every body.

The Bible clearly states, “As he thinks in his coronary heart, so is he.” The reality is that until you change your inner thinking, you will constantly be managed by using external circumstances. God gave each folk the free will to do that.

Day by way of day, no matter what goes on around us, we will consciously and deliberately construct a mindset for the things we do need in lifestyles. We can paint a image in our own minds of who God says that we are, and what He says that we are able to have. There aren’t any recession disclaimers for the guarantees of God.

The Bible says that out of our own heart are the troubles of our existence. So, as we build that picture of who we’re, and build what God has promised to us into our hearts, we can then appearance to God for His steering and course, and now not be afraid to take action. Instead of ready to peer what happens, with God’s assist we will decide to make things take place.