#i thought i was getting better turns out i'm just hypomanic again

[cloudy-em]

realizing i feel "better" on my new mood stabilizer not because it works but because it just hasn't gotten to the right dosage yet

[haptureratch]

Being on wellbutrin (WHEN IT'S NOT TAKING YEARS OFF MY LIFE BY MEGA MARIO STAR RAINBOW RAVE BOOSTING MY ANXIETY) is so funny

Like I'm reading an old idea for a fanfic in my Samsung notes and lighting up punching the bed because DAMN THAT'S SUCH A WILD GOOD IDEA AND I -SEE- WHAT YOU DID THERE

Like.

Chill you goofy hypomanic binch XD

I'm comforted by the fact that these sleepless nights will end eventually because the psych plan has shifted to bringing my anxiety down and letting me sleep. I guess I can kind of enjoy extra verve now that I'm not thinking about the implications of it, and knowing that it got as bad as it would and the professional said "no worse". And that there's no work in a few hours (huge relief bc I obviously can't stay home while trialing meds but they do have the ability to impact work). But this is still soooo not normal lol. It's almost 2am. I was so ready for bed and then nope I started singing again and here we are. It's the music and the singing that fire me the fuck up lately.

I hope I'm okay when it's out of my system. I feel okay now. I feel lighter in some ways (heavier in others like my headache and tight carotids and EVEN MORE hyperactive startle response and reflexes). I feel the self-amusement side of me is turned up. I'm better at writing (that TORRENTIAL MESS I wrote on....Sunday? No one is allowed to read it unless they are a mentally ill girlie on the internet. Y'all are allowed. Y'all will understand.) I feel more at ease around people and non-autistic (conversation just comes, I don't care if I'm doing it wrong I just do it). Life around me tastes good (instead of .... what's a word .. jarring? I thrive off the vibrancy and possibility. I see the lights and I want to explore where they lead. IS THIS HOW HE LIVES???? Like a stabilized form of this?? FuKc)

I think this med just takes everything I already am and heightens it. Deepens it. Maybe I'm prone to insomnia and it's just so much worse. I do have a natural rhythm of getting fatigued and my body is ready for bed but if I stay up through that I get a second wind. That's kinda what's happening on this med just INTENSELY so. And music is my shit, I feel it so deeply. It moves me. I love it.

I'm so chatty.

I ted talk all by myself but, again, this med cranks it up quite a bit. I'll need to share the positives of this med with my psych so maybe she can get me something with a similar mechanism or like....she'll do her double board certified thing and COOK.

I'm glad I was able to accept my mom needing to go home. The first instinct was to feel abandoned and scared but something in me got brave and accepted it.

Is this all divine timing? Is the med at some kind of level that's helping me (but, again, taking years off my life by stealing me from my sleep) and I was able to polish off the fear veneer [[I swear to god I'm cooking so hard .. note to self go absolutely OFF on wellbutrin, get deliciously hypomanic, and write a BOOK MY DUDE]] -- anyway, am I going through a period of growth right now?

Side thought: if I already worked through my touch issues with Amy and had all those epiphanies, why am I still struggling with issues under that umbrella? I went back to being weird and feral about touch which is a basic human need. I didn't incorporate daily platonic touch. I didn't connect with others. I can think back to that bedroom in Galveston and I THOUGHT I had my whole life laid out in front of me and I saw it and understood it. But here I am. I'm not drowning in grief over it currently, I am just genuinely curious. Why did I forget it all over time and just revert back? Not to attack myself but to GENUINELY WONDER

Oh thank god I might be getting a wave of sleepiness

HA HAAA nevermind beech we back.

Maybe this experience can make me braver. Look at that. PAUL RUDD MEME LOOKATUS. I trialed a med and had super difficult relationship stuff and got into a bad physical state (weight/nutrition) AND went to work and did the work. Wow. I should be proud. I survived a difficult med trial along with all that. I wish that alone, that realization, could cure this core nagging negative thought that I am too weak to make it.

I just get so caught in that feeling of extreme anxiety. There are stronger words to say but my mind is slowing and my eyes are growing heavy

Sleep please take me

Carry me off and steal me for 10 solid hours

No I had to get up and use the restroom. And that gabapentin... I FELT THAT. Swaying around searching for ANY HINT OF PROPRIOCEPTION to maneuver myself to my bathroom. Meds are a fun experiment when they aren't terrifying. It's interesting to feel the science in your own body. Brings the reading and the research to life. Real kinesthetic learner style type shit.

No, yeah. This staying up because I have a stream of thoughts isn't outside the realm of expected Jess. I've done this with my creative writing. And read over it a million times late into the night trying to perfect it. But I think the medical response is still back off that med. Hypomania can still be bad for you even when it feels good. I need to be able to sleep. I wonder if this is just a reflection of how unstructured I am outside of work. Wait. Oh my god. OH MY GOD THIS IS JUST LIKE WHAT I DEALT WITH IN MED SCHOOL. REBECCA TRIED TO GET ME TO STRUCTURE MY DAY AROUND STUDYING AND HOBBIES AND I DIDN'T.

Oh my lord, my sweet lord this must get solved.

I'm glad Rilley got me into handling it mode. Instead of backing away in fear mode. I don't think I'd be doing all this life analysis now had we not had the hard talk earlier. I love and trust her so much. She is truly an incredible individual. She would make the absolute best therapist. She's basically there, she's so close. Fill her up with some training and I swear to god she'd blaze to the top.

[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need            

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never.  Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey.  I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as  well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it.  However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across.  As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.