#i think once i get out of college i'll at least rekindle my non-academic love for it. hopefully

[oflgtfol]

i am still kinda deeply sorrowful over how i spent so long expecting to get a phd in astronomy and be a professional scientist living out my dreams being an astrophysicist and its always going to be something i mourn i think but on the other hand i am truly so fucking done with math, and physics, and school, and life in general, that its kinda like god. good riddance. get me out of here. maybe its the mental illness talking and i'll regret it when i recover but also having been in astronomy in the professional academic environment now i truly do think i would spend the rest of my life miserable if i did ever go further, and it really was something i had to get this close to to realize that, because yknow being a 12 year old in middle school watching space documentaries on tv doesn't reveal much about the blood sweat and tears that goes into academia, so i cant really get mad at myself for only cutting my losses this far into it, because i had to get this far into it to realize it wasnt for me anyway. but now i have no idea what im doing wtih my life because i straight up spent my entire life since i was 12 adamant i was going to be an astrophysicist for realsies and now i have nothing else going for me. ✌️